 Welcome to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes. This podcast was created to provide you the information and tools Doc Snipes gives her clients so that you too can start living happier. Our website, docsknipes.com, has even more resources, videos, and handouts, and even interactive sessions with Doc Snipes to help you apply what you learn. Go to docsknipes.com to learn more. Hi, everybody, and welcome to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery. Today, we're going to be talking about gaining confidence in relationships. We're going to start out by looking at what causes abandonment issues, how abandonment or rejection impacts the person and leads to later anxiety in relationships, what the grieving process is for relationships, what causes insecurity in relationships. And then finally, we're going to get to what you can do to feel more secure. So what is abandonment? You know, how do all these issues come up? Well, physical abandonment occurs when there's a lack of physical conditions necessary for thriving. Now, that doesn't mean surviving. That means thriving. As children, you know, we can have the basic needs met, a roof over our head, we're not starving to death. But if we are not receiving the conditions we need to thrive, it can feel like rejection or abandonment from our caregiver. Physical disappearance. And this is especially true when the abandonment issues happen in early childhood. Young children think dichotomously. It's all or nothing good or bad and egocentrically. It's all about them. So if a parent goes away, they don't understand why. A lot of times children will think it's something they did. Even if you try to explain it to them and they say, yeah, I get it. They may not really get it. So it's important to reiterate these things. And parents can disappear for a variety of reasons or caregivers. Death, you know, obviously that that's one that happens. If they go to jail, if they take a job where they travel a lot or maybe they're in the military and they get deployed for 18 months or just choice. They wake up one morning, walk out and never come back. So physical disappearance can have an impact on children. Now, it doesn't mean that people can't grow up healthy in military families or if a parent passes away, but it's really important to make sure that the remaining caregiver is very attentive to the child's needs. And if the parent is still alive, you know, in the case of anything other than death, that the parent reaches out whenever possible, whether it's through letters or through phone calls, anything to reach out and connect with that child. So the child knows that they're important. Emotional abandonment occurs when parents don't provide the emotional conditions and the emotional environment necessary for healthy development. You know, when parents aren't emotionally available, they're depressed, they're anxious, they're stressed out, you know, they're just, they're not there. They get up, they get the kids ready for school, get them out to school. At the end of the day, they pick them up, feed them and then, you know, tell them to go play until bedtime because they just don't have the emotional energy to even focus on attending to the child. Then the child may start wondering, you know, why? Why isn't mom wanting to spend any time with me? Why isn't dad, you know, out here playing with me in the sandbox or whatever the case may be? So the child, again, may take it personally. If they're really young, you know, elementary school and younger, children can take it personally and think, I did something. It's about me. You know, he must not like playing with me. So it's important for us to be authentic with our children. Yes, there are going to be days that we have had a rough day at the office and we just don't have it in us. But it's at that point we need to tell the child, you know, mommy had a rough day at the office and I just, I don't have it in me to play today. I'll watch you play or, you know, try to make, create a win-win. So the child knows that you're interested, but you're just really, really tired, propose something else that maybe you could do, like watch a movie together that wouldn't require, you know, creativity and all that kind of stuff that, that play sometimes does. So suggesting those things. When children are abandoned, though, emotionally or physically, they often grow up believing that the world's an unsafe place. Their primary caregivers, the ones that were responsible for them in the world, didn't love them enough to pay attention. They couldn't please their primary caregivers. They couldn't make their primary caregivers happy. Remember children at this age think they can control other people and think that everything is they're doing. So if the primary caregivers are, you know, clinically depressed and unhappy all the time, children may think that it's their job to try to make that person happy. It's important that we set boundaries with the children and let them know that, you know, they may not understand the nitty-gritty of depression, but let them understand that when you feel bad, it's not because of them. It's because of something going on with you, adult stuff, maybe. Other acts of abandonment can occur if a child can't live up to the expectations of their parents. Oftentimes, these expectations are unrealistic and not age appropriate. So expecting them, you know, to, well, age appropriate, I guess, it would be expecting your child to be the star pitcher on his little league team. And if the child doesn't do it, being frustrated all the time and always laying into him. I used to see that a lot when we lived at a house by the park and parents were just ruthless with their children. And these were, this was T-ball. This wasn't even, you know, baseball where they were trying to get a scholarship. So it's important that children feel like they can meet your expectations. Children are held responsible for other people's behavior. Maybe they're consistently blamed for the actions and feelings of their parent. So the child is blamed for daddy being angry. The child is blamed for big brother, you know, getting in trouble for something. The child gets blamed for things that they didn't do. So they feel like it's not safe. Nobody has their back and disapproval towards children that's aimed at their entire being rather than a particular behavior can be really harmful. Because children already think, you know, in all or none terms. So when you say, you're a bad boy or you're a bad girl, that tells the child, I'm bad, not the behavior I did was bad. I'm good, you know, most of the time I'm good, but that was a really poor choice. So we want to try to change our behaviors. But if you experience that when you were growing up, especially when you were young, you probably internalized that as I'm not a good person. Well, if I'm not a good person, then maybe I don't deserve love. And maybe people won't want to be in relationships with me. Maybe, you know, people are going to abandon me because I'm unworthy. So these are the messages that children start getting in their head from the time they're knee high to a grasshopper. Now they can have, you can have great parents and great upbringing and you can experience abandonment in other relationships. You can experience abandonment from your best friends, for example. And in children, BFFs are very, very crucial. So if your best friend suddenly just turns on you, then that can be taken very personally. And the person and the child may have difficulty trusting and wanting to get into another relationship, another friendship with somebody else. When people feel abandoned, they often feel like they need to hide a part of themselves because it's not OK or they're just not good enough. So the child learns this when he or she gets the message that it's not OK to make a mistake. You know, you screw up, I'm going to yell at you and you're a bad person and I'm going to leave you, I'm going to, you know, all these other things. I'm going to send you off to military school, whatever the threat is. It's not OK to show feelings. Being told the way you feel is not true, can be really harmful to children. So if they get upset about something and the parent says something like you have nothing to cry about and if you don't stop crying, I'll really give you something to cry about, you know, we probably, most of us heard that when we were growing up at one time or another or that didn't really hurt or you've got nothing to be angry about. So if the child's emotions are constantly invalidated or if they're told it's not OK to show feelings, you know, don't cry here. Don't don't be happy. Don't whatever it is, you're just supposed to be seen and not heard. Then the child can feel like it's not OK to have emotions. It's not OK to have needs. It's another message that comes from experiences of abandonment because sometimes children feel like, well, if I wasn't as needy, maybe this person wouldn't have left. So the child gets this message when to them, it appears that everybody else's needs are more important than theirs. So mom and dad are paying attention to the older kid, the younger kid, the, you know, the troubled kid and juniors just kind of sitting there going, I got an A today, I didn't get sent home from school. But since juniors not making waves, junior may not get the attention that everybody else does and he needs attention. So that can be translated in juniors mind to, you know, maybe they don't love me as much and it's not OK to have successes. Now, this one is a little confusing to think about. But just think about it this way. If accomplishments are not acknowledged or if they're discounted, then children aren't going to want to do them anymore. If they get an A on their paper and the parent goes, well, that's OK. You could have gotten an A plus or if they get on to the track team, but the parent goes, well, that's good, but you could have become team captain, you know, if it's always a yes, but then the child is going to feel like it's not worth trying, that their good and their best is never good enough. And if your best is not good enough, then that means you may experience rejection and people may leave you. So all of these things can lead people in relationships, whether it's with their primary caregivers, their best friend or romantic relationships can lead people to experience feelings of abandonment. So what is the grief process? Relationships end. They do. It's just a fact of life. Not all, but, you know, a lot of times relationships end. So the first thing is shattering and I use the acronym swirl. Shattering is when the relationship breaks up. All of a sudden your world just came crashing down like a vase against the wall. Withdrawal as time goes on. And this is that initial period when it just hurts like crazy. The more time goes on right after that break up, the more aware you become of all the needs that your partner was meeting, all the things that you used to get do together. You can't watch a television program or go somewhere or do something without thinking about that person. And it could be your romantic partner or your best friend or sometimes even your parent, but we're going to kind of move on to adult relationships here. Internalizing the person, you know, we'll start feeling bad and then internalizing the rejection going, why did this happen? And a lot of times, especially if we've been abandoned in the past or if we have some insecurities in our relationships, we start blaming ourselves instead of going, let's look at the big scheme of things. We start wondering why did this person leave me instead of, you know, what may be going on with that person that ended the relationship. The person feels like they're not bad. They're not good. They're not lovable. They feel isolated, insecure and preoccupied with if only regrets. So this is the real depression phase. Then you move on into rage and this is when the person attempts to reverse the rejection by refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship and surges with rage. They get angry. They're like, I'm going to get even. I'm going to show you. Now some people get angry in a pretty benign way. Other people can get angry in pretty aggressive, illegal ways. So it's important to understand what your style is and figure out how to rein that in. The more insecure a person is, often the more dramatic their rage reaction is. The person may have spurts of anger that are displaced onto their friends and family. You just don't understand or why are you bothering me? You know, can't you see how much I'm hurting? So the person is really angry. They're angry at themselves. They're angry that they couldn't control the other person. They're angry because they think, you know, I must not have been good enough. They're angry at the other person for leaving. They're just angry at everything right now. So once they move past that, anger helps them externalize their pain. You know, start getting it out there. It's kind of like the pus that you get out of an infected wound. You know, get that out of there. It hurts and it spews, but once it gets out, you start feeling better. And this is the lifting phase. Gradually, as you become more involved in this new chapter of your life, you can start lifting from your depression. And I use a form of therapy called narrative therapy with a lot of my clients who are dealing with grief issues. And I suggest to them to think about their life like they're writing a book or a screenplay or a mini series. And when something like this happens, this is the close of the chapter or the cliffhanger for the season. And they've got to figure out, all right, this happened, you know, for whatever reason, this is how this script was written. What am I going to do in the next chapter or the next season? How can I write this? So the protagonist, me, can be as successful and happy as possible. What can I do? How do I want to use this person's energy in the story to help them emerge victorious? And it can be a true-to-life narrative or it can be something that's a little bit more fictional. But I want the person to start envisioning their main character surviving and thriving despite this ending of this relationship, despite this character leaving the screenplay. Characteristics of abandoners. Well, the first thing to remember is sometimes relationships end because of the abandoner. They got issues and it may not have anything to do with the abandonee. Now, generally there's a little bit on both sides, but there are some people who, for whatever reason, you know, probably a lot of the ones we already covered, were abandoned themselves and have a lot of anxiety in relationships. And there are some theories of relationships called attachment theories that try to explain this, but we're just going to focus on characteristics of abandoners for this presentation. A lot of times abandoners have been abandoned themselves either physically or emotionally. And, you know, I'm thinking of sometimes kids who grew up, you know, with everything given to them, you know, they may have grown up in a great household where mom and dad were there. They had a nanny taking care of them. Everything was given to them. But their emotional needs were never met. So they felt abandoned. They felt like they could never do enough to make that parent proud to actually get attention. If they made a mistake, the parent would monetarily fix it. And that can have an impact, even though it sounds like a great life, it can have an impact on the person's sense of self. You know, they don't feel as worthy. They feel like, you know, I'm a screw up, but my parents are always going to get me out of it. Or, you know, I got all of these accomplishments because people were trying to impress my dad to get him to donate a wing to the hospital or whatever the case may be. So they feel abandoned. They may have a need for power or to be in control. So they're always the dumper. They don't want to feel like they've been rejected. So they always find a way and it could be starting fights or it could just be one day going, you know what, this ain't working, toodles, but they want to be the one to take the action because it makes them feel more in control and less like they were rejected. They may have an unwillingness to let walls down. You know, they're just frozen solid. They will smile. They will do things with you. But as far as any kind of genuine connection, it's not going to happen. They're not willing to risk experiencing that hurt again. And they may be seeking you to fill a void. Their inability to commit is not about you, but some personal needs of their own. So maybe they just want somebody to do stuff with. So that's a void you're feeling. Maybe they want somebody to eat dinner with or to clean the house or whatever it is that you do to fill the void. Not an emotional void, but to fill some sort of practical void that they have. And, you know, when you feel that, then a lot of times, again, there's not that emotional connection within the abandoners' eyes and the abandoners' mind. So it doesn't hurt him or her as much to end the relationship. It's just like, well, OK, it's kind of like changing their britches is just something they do. Causes of insecurity in relationships. Now the abandoner and the abandonee have probably both been abandoned before. And people with low self-esteem often have been abandoned in the past, but having low self-esteem can lead to abandonment because people with low self-esteem tend to be more clingy, tend to be more nervous in relationships and have a more anxious type attachment that can drive people away. Ineffective communication skills can also lead to abandonment or be a cause. Ineffective problem-solving skills can lead to abandonment if you have a hiccup in your relationship. And, you know, when you're together for a while, you're going to have hiccups. So you've got to figure out how to solve these problems. And if you don't know how to solve problems, if you don't know how not to be the winner, then there's a potential the relationship will end and somebody may feel abandoned. And cognitive distortions. A lot of times in relationships, when people start feeling insecure, their mind, when things happen, their mind is telling them inaccurate information. And we're going to talk about cognitive distortions later. But for example, a cognitive distortion could be if John doesn't respond to Sally's text right away. She may, cognitive distortion, she can exaggerate and magnify that and start thinking he never returns my texts right away or he doesn't care about me or making assumptions without having all the facts, assuming that he's going to leave me and he's angry with me because he didn't return my text. Okay. Well, John was in the bathroom and didn't get the text. That's why he didn't respond right away. But Sally didn't know that. So she used all these unhealthy cognitive assumptions and got herself all anxious and insecure in the relationship. So what do you do to improve your confidence in relationships? The first thing is don't try to squelch the feelings. You know, that sounds kind of counterintuitive, but if you try to squelch the feelings, it comes out. You know, if you're just stuffing them down, then eventually they're going to bust out like Vesuvius. So you want to make sure that you identify what you're feeling, even communicate it to your partner, go, you know what, I'm feeling really insecure and I know it doesn't seem to make sense to you, but you know, I just want you to know. Acknowledge it, but then it's your responsibility to work through that fear. You know, don't squelch it, don't ignore it, don't stuff it down. Acknowledge it, look at it, figure out where it's coming from and do something about it. One thing you can do is unhook from your feelings. So if you start getting anxious in your relationship thinking, oh my gosh, you know, if this relationship ends, I don't think I can live without this person. Instead of saying, I can't live without this person, say I'm having the thought that I can't live without this person. I have thoughts all the time and forget them, you know, thoughts come and go. I'll give you another example that may be more poignant. If somebody is an alcoholic, they may say, I need a drink right now. Well, that is pretty right out there. I've got to have a drink and the under undertone is or something bad is going to happen. If you change it and say, I'm having the thought that I need a drink right now. Well, you can make thoughts go away and thoughts can be wrong. So it's important to unhook from that feeling and put that phrase. I'm having the thought that in front of it. It takes a lot of power out of the statement. Does it make it go away completely? No, you know, I do this a lot at night when I'm sitting at home watching TV and a commercial for some kind of food comes on pizza or something that's totally unhealthy but so yummy. And I'm like, I'm having the thoughts that I really need pizza right now. And I'm like, yep, it's just a thought it'll pass. Most thoughts pass in less than 20 minutes. You just need to distract yourself or do something else. The second thing is don't try to manipulate your partner into doing things to make you feel more secure. When your partner does or doesn't do something that triggers your anxiety, ask yourself why you're feeling anxious. You know, it's not their responsibility to make sure they've got their phone with them 24 seven three 65 and they respond to you within 30 seconds. That's not their responsibility. Your responsibility is to, you know, communicate with them. But if you text them, accept the fact that they've got a life, you know, they may be in the bathroom, their cell phone may be dead. There may be a lot of reasons. So before jumping to conclusions and getting all in a tizzy. And those are all things that you're doing to yourself. You want to figure out what you can do to make you feel more secure. You know, what would help you in this situation. One of the things that you can do when you start feeling anxious is ask yourself what facts support my belief right now that something bad is going to happen or that my partner is angry with me or they're going to leave or they were in a car accident or whatever. What facts do I have? You know, if the only fact that you have is the fact that the person didn't return your text in 10 minutes, that's not a fact. There are 20 things I can think of that might prevent a person who's at work, especially from returning a text. I know when I'm at the gym, I don't return texts. You know, I don't I don't even answer my phone when I'm at the gym, unless it's my kids. But, you know, those are things that you, the anxious person, have to consider what are some alternate explanations for why this behavior might have happened that have nothing to do with our relationship? You know, if John comes in and for the past week, every night he's come home, he has been in a God awful mood. Well, you know, an anxious person might start feeling, oh my gosh, I wonder if he's unhappy in the relationship and he's getting ready to leave me and yada, yada, yada. What other explanations could there be for that? You know, maybe John's having a really tough time with his new office mate or is working on a really awful project or, you know, doesn't feel well. You know, there's a lot of things that could be going on that, you know, depending on the relationship may not be openly shared. So it's important to ask, don't try to read each other's mind because as soon as you try to read your partner's mind and guess what he or she is thinking is when you start making mistakes and you can create a whole lot of upsetness for yourself that probably doesn't need to happen. Don't use emotional reasoning. Emotional reasoning is when you feel a feeling and then create a scenario or a story to support that feeling. So again, we'll stay with the text metaphor, for example, if Sally texts John and he doesn't respond in his normal 10 minutes, Sally could get nervous. She might start fearing that John is mad at her. She might start fearing something bad happened, whatever. And she starts getting really nervous. So since she got nervous, then she fuels that with, if I feel scared, then all these thoughts I'm having must be true. There must be some truth to this and there must be something bad getting ready to happen. So remember that just because something happens that triggers your abandonment anxiety, doesn't mean there's anything to be anxious about necessarily. So go back to the facts. I'm going to say that two or three more times. Get out of the emotions and go back to the facts. What evidence do you have? Don't make your partner feel emotionally responsible for you. You're responsible for your reactions. Your partner, your friend, they're responsible for their reactions. And, you know, things are going to happen that trigger anger in you, trigger anxiety in you. That's just a normal reaction. That's your body's way of telling you to do something. If you feel anger or fear, then your body's telling you that there might be a threat. You need to check it out to see if you need to fight or flee. Not you need to fight or flee, but you need to check it out to see if you need to fight or flee. When you start feeling anger or anxiety, think of it like the smoke alarm in your house. Sometimes it goes off for no reason. Sometimes it goes off because there's a fire. But how many times has it gone off when it's been because the battery has been low, because somebody burns popcorn in the microwave, because, you know, anything but a fire. A lot of times. The same thing for our feelings. So when we feel those feelings, we need to kind of thank ourselves for going, okay, thank you for wanting me to say that. Let me see. Is there really a problem here? If it is, then it gets you to do something. When you feel happy, that's your body's way of saying, that was good. Do that again. So feelings get you to do something. If you're having an unpleasant feeling like anger or anxiety, look around and you know, identify what you can do to improve the next moment. If you feel that feeling and realize there is a threat for some reason, what do you need to do? Fight or flee at that point. But you want to use your feelings and use your emotions as tools, not just be consumed by them. Have realistic expectation of the relationship. Try to avoid demanding too much too soon. Relationships are kind of like a dance. The cha-cha is a dance that two people do and the lead partner, usually the male, will do a few moves and then the female partner will replicate those moves. So it's give a little, repeat a little bit. So in a relationship, maybe I will share a little bit and my partner will share and then I'll share a little bit more. Then my partner will share a little bit more. It's not me coming up to everything here. Let me tell you everything that you've ever wanted to know and oh, by the way, can I have a drawer at your house. The tango is more like asking somebody for a drawer at their house. It's one that is led by one partner and it's a very intense passionate dance. Intense and passionate can be good. But at the beginning of a relationship and when you're talking about boundaries, it can be good. So look on YouTube. Learn a little bit about the chacha and the tango and think about how your relationships go. Are you chachaing? That's a good thing. Stop loading yourself when you see that your insecurity is driving your partner away. The more you load yourself, the more you expect that you're worthy of being abandoned or rejected. If you're looking at yourself and you're looking at other people, it's okay to load behaviors that you do, though. If you see yourself stocking your significant other on Instagram or Facebook or whatever, it's okay to load that behavior. Become aware of it and change it. But in the process, you need to be loving and compassionate to yourself because you're probably reacting from old wounds and you need to stop yourself from doing that. And then, as I said, what we're doing is a nice guy. He's trying to do the right thing. In my other relationships, things have gone south, and I feel nervous when these types of things happen, but he's shown no indication that he's like those other people. The example or analogy I can give you is if you got bit by a dog in the past, then dogs might trigger anxiety in the past. Well, relationships are kind of the same way. If you were in a relationship and got abandoned, you kind of got bit in the ass, then in new relationships, you might be more guarded in order to protect yourself. And that guardedness can cause a little bit of problem, but once you realize what you're doing to try to protect yourself, that behavior, instead of loathing it, work through it, validate yourself by acknowledging the severity of the emotional wounds you have sustained and grieve those prior losses. Again, it could be primary caregivers. It could be prior intimate relationships. It could be best friends. People who were significant in your life that you lost. You want to grieve the loss of the person. That person's not in your life anymore. The trust, when that person is in your life at least for a little while. The dreams you had, you know, going back to that screenplay, you had the next three seasons written out. And all of a sudden, you know, that character is not in the story anymore. So you've got to rewrite those next three seasons. Okay. And the time, sometimes we look back at our relationships and maybe you were in a really unhealthy relationship for five years and then it got kind of bad and then the person just up and left. And you felt abandoned and you're looking back going, that was five years of my life. What happened? So grieve the loss of that time. You can't get it back. That's just it. You can't get it back. So staying stuck there, staying angry that you gave up those years of your life isn't going to do you any good. Holding other people hostage, going, I only have so many people left. So, you know, you better make a decision about whether you're going to stick around or not. That's not fair to them either. So grieve those losses. So you can live more in the present and appreciate everything that is that you do have around you. Stop blaming your insecurity on your partner or anyone else. Yeah. Other people may have caused the initial problem and probably did in some ways. They've been responsible in some ways. If you had poor communication, poor problem-solving skills, you know, there's generally two to tango as they say. But regardless of who caused the initial abandonment issues, you're the only one that can fix how you feel now. You're responsible for your own feelings. It's not fair, but it's the way it is. So don't blame your insecurity on them. When you feel that way, I'm worried that there's a threat out here and deal with the threat. And that's between you and your brain, basically. Take 100% responsibility when you feel anxious rather than expecting your partner to fix it. It's not his or her responsibility to make you feel secure. So don't tell them, well, you know, I'm feeling really anxious right now. So if you would make sure that you respond to my texts within 10 minutes and you're you call me if you're going to be more than 5 minutes late and you do this and this and this, the person's going to feel like they're in jail. It's not their responsibility to make sure to check all these blocks. And when you feel anxious, it is their responsibility to communicate with you. But you're the only one that can affect how you feel. They can't make you feel calmer. They can't make you feel calmer. That's a choice that you make. So you've got to choose whether to stay stuck in unhealthy thoughts or choose to be empowered and think positively. Identify what's truly important in your life and how you can use your energy to help you move toward those people and goals and improve the next moment. When you're in a healthy, secure relationship, you are growing. You are moving towards things that make you happy. So if you're using that energy and you're focusing on the things that make you happy, then you're not going to be using that energy to worry, to fret, to stalk, to do anything else that you might do in insecure relationships. Learn to tolerate distress by adding daily activities that are life sustaining, including time with supportive friends, therapists, and even support you can attend. But it's important to tolerate the distress of being apart. Maybe it's the weekend and you're both off, but your partner wants to go hang with the boys or hang with the girls. If that makes you anxious, you need to figure out how to tolerate that distress, knowing that that person is nurturing a part of themselves not to abandon you, but to be more whole for you. Figure out things that you can do to pass the time. If they're going to hang with their buddies, what can you do that will make you happy? Get into the moment and stay there as long as possible. The future has been disrupted by the breakup. Those next few chapters or seasons, you don't exactly know what's going to happen until you rewrite them. And your past is where that relationship is pulling so painfully. You want to fix it. You want to change what's happened. Well, you can't. So it's important to stay in the present moment focusing on what is still there and how that next season will play out and maybe even get better ratings than the last one. Focus on the three C's Commitment, Control and Challenge. Challenge yourself to continue working towards those things that are important in your world. That person's not in it right now. But what other things that you were working toward before the relationship broke up are still there. What other things are important? Your pets, your job, your garden, your motorcycle, whatever it is that's important to you. And identify those things that are still there that you can work on, that you're committed to working on, and that you can control. What parts of these things can you control? We can't control other people. We know this. So what can you control? You control what you do with your time. You can control what you do with your self-talk. There are a lot of things you can control. So focus on those. Remember the past does not have to repeat. Just because other relationships ended doesn't mean that all relationships are going to end. So explore your other relationships and learn from them. Look at the facts. Think about what happened in this relationship and why. Why did this relationship break up? They say hindsight is 2020. So let's look back and figure out what did I do in this relationship that contributed to the breakup? What did that person do in the relationship that contributed to the breakup? Because remember I said it generally takes two to tango. And what are the impact of other influences on the relationship ending? We just had graduation here and a lot of people who were high school sweethearts are going to go to potentially different colleges. So even though they may be in love maybe there's a lot of commitment between them that the relationship may end at least temporarily simply because of distance. They're going to school in different places. So getting different jobs, friends anything else that could have contributed to the relationship. Another thing you can do is work on your self-esteem. Remember I said a lot of people who are insecure in relationships have low self-esteem. They're looking to others to tell them you're okay. You're just fine. You need to be able to look in the mirror and tell yourself I'm okay. I'm all that in a bag of chips. So the first thing you need to do is quiet that internal critic. That voice in your head that tells you you're not good enough. And we'll talk more about that in a minute when we go to cognitive distortions. I encourage you to keep a me journal. Add three things each day that you did well or that you did that were nice for somebody. It doesn't have to be earth shattering. Just three things that remind you that you're a good person. And separate who you are from what you do. What I do you know I teach I garden you know those are things that I do who I am I am loyal I am honest I am compassionate those are values about me that don't change you know depending on whether I get out of bed or not you know I can be compassionate and loyal from anywhere it's not about what I do is who I am self-awareness is the next step you need to feel good about yourself but you also need to be aware. So practice mindfulness to become aware of your wants and needs. One of the insecurities or reasons for insecurities and relationships is because partners say well that person never meets my needs okay why not well it often comes out that the partner doesn't know what your needs are a lot of times you don't know what your needs are probably mindfulness helps you become aware of what you want and need so you can communicate that to your partner so your partner can try to meet those wants and needs if you don't know it you can't communicate it and they can't need it so it's up to you to be mindful and aware of what you need once you know those needs you need to learn how to communicate them effectively to be assertive not aggressive not you have to do this but this would make me happy this is what would be ideal whenever you're communicating with your partner try to create a win-win if there are certain things that are kind of non-negotiable see if you can figure out how to create a benefit for them like if you're going to be more than 30 minutes late for dinner I would appreciate if you would call that way I don't start getting nervous and worried that something happened and 30 minutes is generally pretty reasonable 10 minutes is not so much 30 minutes dinner can burn in that amount of time so create a win-win and help the other person see how it benefits them practice asking for help when you need it it's okay to ask for help a lot of times that helps relationships when people start depending on one another a little bit for stuff you know I have my strengths and my partner has his strengths and we're kind of yin and yang so it's good we work together there's stuff that I can do I can mow the yard but I cannot rebuild the fence so we work together I ask for help when I need it and I'm also able to say no when he wants to do stuff that I don't want to do he's a pilot and I hate flying I'm not afraid of it I just don't like it so sometimes he'll ask me to go flying and I'm like no I really rather not unless it's super important to you why don't you take one of the kids because our kids love to fly so I'm like you know just let them go and it's not and he understands that it's not about him it's not that I don't want to spend time with him it's just I don't want to spend time cooped up in a little tiny plane because I get bored and I've got a pee every 15 minutes so learn how to ask for help and learn how to say no to requests without feeling like you're going to be abandoned without feeling like you're going to be rejected if you state your wants and needs and finally the cognitive distortions jumping to conclusions when something happens and you take one clue like the smell of perfume in your car and assume the worst you know maybe your partner gave somebody a ride to a business luncheon and she had way too much perfume on and he was cheating on you so jumping to conclusions is one of those cognitive distortions that can cause your mind to start going wild, get that internal critic to start standing up and going I told you so we want to shut him up selective abstraction is seeing only what you expect to see so when your partner does something that makes you upset all of a sudden you only remember the times that he or she failed to do whatever it was so if they failed to do the dishes one time and you come back at them with you never do the dishes well you know let's remember the times that they did do the dishes it's not never it's sometimes all or nothing thinking is another thinking error when you tell somebody you always do this or you never do this look for exceptions before you open your mouth and try to avoid using the words always or never but before you open your mouth think to yourself how often does this really happen and are there exceptions to it for example sometimes when we go out in public my partner will forget to introduce me to the people that we're talking to and I'm just kind of standing there twiddling my thumbs and I could say you always forget to introduce me but that's not true sometimes he does so we've kind of developed a system and I'll tug on the back of his coat jacket or something if he's forgotten to introduce me so he remembers as opposed to me just going well let me introduce myself and that works for us fallacy of control thinking that you can control another person if he or she is going to cheat then he or she is going to cheat and it's more about that person and the more you try to control another person the more suffocated and oppressed they're probably going to feel and the more likely they are going to be to act out or to run away so the fallacy of control really often backfires personalization is thinking your partner is doing something because you're not good enough or he or she is trying to hurt you when your partner does something that makes you angry if you think well that person is just trying to hurt me or because they don't respect me well then that creates anxiety in their relationship you start thinking why don't they respect me why don't they love me enough too I wonder if that this means they're getting ready to leave and you can get all riled up instead of thinking of what are some reasons that this might have happened that have nothing to do with me and I always encourage people to think of three reasons that your partner may be doing that because that don't have anything to do with you sometimes I'm kind of finicky about the house and sometimes my partner is not cleaning up and you know we're all doing our chores and stuff and he's sitting there reading on his Kindle my first thought is that doesn't work for me but my next thought is you know what he had a really rough day at the office and maybe he just needs a little bit more time and he'll get to it and he does but it's important for me to keep my attitude in check so remembering that people generally don't especially people you're in a relationship with they don't do things to try and hurt you so what is another explanation that's much more benign because that one's probably going to be the right one and magnification is blowing a small mistake someone makes into a huge offense so if somebody forgets to pick you up for something I don't know and it's like you just didn't want me to go and you turn it into a huge fight you know you want to pick your battles so look at the small mistake and figure out number one what does it mean if anything it could just be that person had a lot on their mind and they forgot or they made a mistake they forgot your birthday or mother's day or something and think about you know does that mean they don't love me or does that mean they had a lot on their mind and it just slipped their mind I remember one year and I still feel bad about it to this day I was in college and I missed my father's birthday his birthday was May 25th I called him promptly on June 25th and I wished him a happy birthday and he's like thanks but you're a month late I felt so bad and it wasn't that I didn't love him I adored my daddy but I got caught up with stuff and I just the months slipped me by and yeah so I made a big mistake you know and he didn't hold it against me he was just like well thanks for calling when you thought it was my birthday so we want to look at these things and give people a little bit of slack cut them a little bit of slack and don't always assume the worst and finally remember that relationships are like chocolate chip cookies not salad dressing and lettuce salad dressing you can't just pick up a bottle of salad dressing and chug it and go that was good that's just disgusting and lettuce I'm sorry it's not satisfying to me by itself you know so you put the two of them together it's it's pretty good relationship shouldn't be like this we don't want to take two incomplete people and put them together to try to get a complete person you want to have two complete people that come together and make something awesome and that's like chocolate chip cookies chocolate chip cookies are the combination of sugar cookies and chocolate chips either one of them you can eat by themselves and they are darn good put them together and they're downright amazing so that's what you want your relationship to be you want each person to be able to stand independently and be able to come together and make something even better instead of tearing each other down when you're in this kind of relationship to make the chocolate chip cookies nurture yourself and the other person which means do things for yourself it's not all about being that other person's significant other or best friend you need to do things so you have an independent identity do things for the other person we always enjoy when our significant others do things for us and allow the other person to nurture themselves give them the space they need to grow their interests and have their independent identity it doesn't mean they're trying to get away from you or grow away from you if you allow them to nurture themselves and you share in each other's growth then you're going to actually grow closer together one way you can nurture relationships is through love languages and you can get the book the five love languages but basically people express and experience love in different ways and some people feel like some loved they feel it's a loving gesture when they get gifts other people could care less you know I'm not one of those people who's big on gifts I'm just like you know it's a really nice thought but I don't need gifts to feel loved some people need quality time I'm one of those people you know I would much rather spend the day on mother's day I don't need gifts I would rather spend quality time going hiking with my kids or doing something positive words of affirmation are important so you know kind words a thank you for a job well done or a statement of appreciation or just a statement of love is important to some people acts of service and devotion so doing things like making breakfast in bed or vacuuming the house so your partner doesn't have to or things that you do that are just nice their acts of service to lighten the load on your partner received by some people as acts of love and some people need physical touch not all people so it's important to know your partner and how they experience love how do they experience love messages and which ones and a lot of people have two or three different love languages so figure out which ones are more important to your partner but don't assume they have the same love language as you do my partner and I don't you know so it's important that I understand that you know quality time is great but that just doesn't do it for him and we go from there so we can communicate our affection for one another in a way that's meaningful to the other person I hope this has given you some ideas about ways to improve your relationships become less anxious and maybe some of the reasons where or causes of that anxiety so you can start addressing them if you like this podcast please subscribe in your favorite podcast app join our facebook group at docsknipes.com slash facebook or join our community and access additional resources at docsknipes.com thanks for tuning into happiness isn't brain surgery with Doc Snipes our mission is to make practical tools for living the happiest life affordable and accessible to everyone we record the podcast during a facebook live broadcast each week join us free at docsknipes.com or subscribe to the podcast on your favorite podcast player and remember docsknipes.com has even more resources members only videos handouts and workbooks to help you apply what you learn if you like this podcast and want to support the work we are doing for as little as 399 per month you can become a supporter at docsknipes.com slash join again thank you for joining us and let us know how we can help you