 Well hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic, is he emotionally unavailable or just holding back? Is he just holding back? Really quickly, if the content here resonates with you and you've been thinking about working with a dating and relationship coach, check out the link below to schedule a call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. It's called a free discovery call. Alright, is the emotionally unavailable or just holding back? So the topic of emotionally unavailable men is probably one of the most searched terms for women on the internet who are single and looking for love because they've experienced men who tend to either withdraw emotionally or are somewhat avoidant. Well I'm gonna say avoidant emotionally, but kind of maybe even seem devoid of emotions and I want to share a couple examples for you and then give you some insight on how to recognize the difference between a guy who's just maybe holding back a little bit or just emotionally unavailable. So I'm gonna share a personal story. This happened to be shortly after my divorce. It was about nine months after a divorce. I met a woman online. Fantastic woman. Our first date was fabulous. We had a great time. She was gorgeous. She complimented me, which I'm a Leo, so I enjoy compliments. But she said something to me. I think it was on our second date. She goes, Jonathan, I have to date you with rose-colored glasses. I have to date you with rose-colored glasses. And I go, what do you mean by that? And she goes, I know you're not ready for a relationship. And I go, I'm ready. I'm ready. I mean, I was out of a marriage. I was unhappy and I was like feeling like I'm ready to be in relationship because she goes, I know you're not ready to be in a relationship. You're a trainwreck. You're going through all this stuff in your life. You're going through a kind of a contentious divorce. You had, and by the way, at the same time, I just lost my quarter million dollar year job. Actually, this was prior to meeting her. And I was in kind of a quasi-depression. I was in a state of not really being all there, if you will. But she recognized that within me. In fact, I'm going to share something personal. We had dated during the holiday times. And for Christmas time, for a Christmas gift, she gave me this. She gave me this. These are, if you can see in the camera, these are rose-colored glasses. These are rose-colored glasses. Because she said to me, I have to date you with rose-colored glasses because I know you're not ready for a relationship. And again, I disagreed with her. But sure enough, as the relationship went on, I really wasn't ready for a relationship. So while I'm sharing with you this story, and by the way, after we ended our relationship, she met a great guy six months later, and up getting married. We were still friends on Facebook. In fact, I'll send her this video afterward. What she recognized in advance was she could see right up front that I was a good person. I just wasn't capable of being in a relationship because I had all this trauma and all this chaos, actually, not so much trauma, but chaos going on in my life. Okay? So this is very common amongst men, especially for the midlife category, which that's why I lean into is those who are in midlife, which I say is after baby making years and before retirement. And about 75% of singles in this age bracket are divorced. And they're and you have to kind of unravel the tapestry of an old life to be able to begin your new life. And it starts with your life within. And I so wasn't ready for that. I had to take another 10 years of doing personal development, self help and spiritual work before I could be in this place of being ready for a relationship. In fact, I wrote a book about it, which I talk about often is my book called What the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? Check out the link below if you'd like to get a copy of the book, but it's all about the journey I took of personal development. Now, why is this so important for you to recognize? Okay, let's go back to emotionally unavailable men or just those men are holding back. Emotion unavailable men are often what's called avoidant love attachment style, avoidant love attachment style. These are people that struggle actually getting close to another human being. So it's not so much that they're they're incapable of sharing their emotions, but they have this wall up that makes it very difficult for them. And if you're not familiar with the book attached, I highly recommend checking out the book attached, you can see the author's names right there attached to understand avoidant, anxious or secure attachment style. Because in many cases, someone might actually be struggling to actually be able to open up emotionally, but they so deeply want to. But then there are the men who are just holding back, holding back. Okay, this is an example of holding back. Okay, holding back happens when the emotional responsibility of the relationship is more than we're capable of giving at a certain time. And oftentimes we kind of project that women want more emotions out of a relationship than men. You hear that women want more emotion out more emotionality out of the relationship than men. So what men do is, yes, we come on strong in the beginning because we're chasing sex. I mean, for the most part, not all men, but for the most part, when we're pursuing you, you know, if you're a stranger to us, what if you're caught up on this idea that men are supposed to be the pursuers, you got to recognize that what we're pursuing is getting laid, not because we think you're this fabulous person. It takes time to find out who you really are. I only say this so you're not so you recognize that this isn't necessary when a guy says, Oh, my God, you're unlike any woman I've ever seen. I'd want to marry you. You're so different than all the other women. Believe me, they've said it a dozen other times because they're in the chase mode. And then a lot of you ladies make yourself out to be prima donnas because you heard this from men recognize that it takes time to build the layer the roots of trust in the relationship. But men naturally hold back if we think you want more emotionality than what we're capable of giving. That means that constant text message in the morning or the constant text message at night to feel validated in the relationship. Now I recognize a lot of men do a lot of texting and do that. But after a while, that becomes emotional responsibility. Hence why we hold back hold back. Okay. But it doesn't mean we're not capable of leaning in leaning in. You know, I'm a big leaner in there. Not a lean backer. Why am I sharing all this with you? Look at dating isn't easy. It's kind of fucked up quite frankly, it's a cluster fuck out there. So let's just accept it for what it is. This is a process of getting to know another human being and I highly recommend you checking out this book called if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated this is the spiritual approach to dating that takes out all the bullshit traditional nonsense about masculine and feminine energy and doing things a certain way. Why not learn how to date from a heart centered place? That's what this book is about. And I promise you read this book and tell me later come back to this video later and write a comment below telling me and if you've already read the book write a comment below sharing with me how this is shifted your perspective on dating because when we come at this from a heart centered place, not men against women masculine against feminine, you know, Democrat versus Republican, black or white, you know, Christian or atheist type of thing. We come at it from a heart centered place that self love place. We have a greater chance and self love is also self empowerment. You have a greater chance for attracting what you truly want in life. And that's a person that can lean in instead of needing to hold back. All right, you get the gist of where I'm going with this. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this please post a comment below as I said before this content resonates with you and you go gosh, I'd like to hire a coach but I can't afford one. Check out my VIP group below check out the link to my book. Check out my podcast. I mean, I'm doing my best to give you as much content as you three or four videos a week for you for you ladies. Alright, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to somebody and give them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch and wishing you a fabulous day. Bye bye now.