 Ladies and gentlemen, the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, presents The Falls of Ivy. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. The Falls of Ivy. The Falls of Ivy. Welcome again to Ivy. Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. Music, as we all know, has always played a large part in college life. And most college presidents enjoy it in all its forms. From the students with improved songs, through Beethoven's 9th, right up to that most musical of all sounds, the rustle of a big bat and diamond check. Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, the president of Ivy, vows to know when it comes to music appreciation. In fact, he's even an accomplished performer. Something his wife, the former Victoria Cromwell of the English stage, never knew until this evening. At the moment, both are seated on the porch of their home, and Mrs. Hall says, That instrument is known as a what? It's known as a recorder. No, no, no. The other man who said. Well, it's known as a recorder or tipple flute. Sorry, it sounds just as though you were saying tipple flute. I am saying tipple flute. Tipple flute. Obviously because it happens to be a flute equipped with a tipple. I don't know what there is to laugh at. A tipple is merely a plug or a stopper in the upper end of it. It's a very ancient and honorable instrument and possessed of a really lovely tone. Would you like to hear it? Very much. All right, here goes. You must remember I haven't played in years. Well, darling, since birth I have been accustomed only to the finest in tipple flute playing. But, sir, I shall lower my exacting standards for this occasion. Good, it has a really lovely tone. Now listen, I wasn't even sure, I still had it. But, luckily, I remember that large trunk in the attic and there it was, wrapped. How did it proceed to the book? Well, you see, if you don't think it has a really lovely tone. Well, that must be Professor Quincanon now. Well, don't go in. Ten you'll answer it. Did he say you'd be summoned by telephone? I don't remember. You know, when he told me I was being considered for membership in this club, I was really bowled over. Oh, has it run off? No, Penny's answered it. What's it all about anyway? Well, it was quite unexpected. Quincanon simply fell in with me as I was walking home the other evening and said he and a few other faculty members were starting this club. The Ivy One-to-Week Chamber Music and Knuckworth Society. I gather we are to meet One-to-Week Play Chamber Music and meet Knuckworth. Yes, the name is subtly suggestive of that. Yes, it is. Well, he said they wanted about a dozen good men. He and the other moving spirits would vote on them all, of course, and asked me if I played an musical instrument. I said yes, the triple flute, and he laughed and said he'd be seeing me. Oh, Penny, what did he say? Say, sir? Yes, the telephone just now. Oh, he said, listen, baby, don't ask questions. Just come down here with bail money. Sir, Sir Quincanon said that? No, ma'am, it is the wrong number. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Penny. Quite all right, sir. I'm almost certain he said the first meeting would start precisely at eight. Oh, God, he may merely stroll over to fetch me, his house being right across the street. That's the misunderstood the day. It may not be tonight. Oh, well, perhaps it isn't. Why don't you play something? Go ahead. People away. Very well. Here we go then. It has a really lovely tone. Now listen, the meeting is tonight. Look over there. Professors Warren, Wilder and Lazar, all carrying instruments. Now, you see, they're turning into Quincanon. Good. That means we'll have great fun. They're very convivial fellows. Ah, here comes Quincanon to fetch me. Now, now, don't wait up, darling. I can't say when I'll be back. You never know how these things are going. It's not time for you to leave. Well, I mustn't keep Quincanon with me. He's gone back in the house. He just went into the yard to pick up his evening paper. Oh. It's not even close yet. Sit down. And while we're waiting, let me hear you play. It seems to me I've heard a rumor that the triple flute has a really lovely tone. Oh, yes, it has indeed. Now, usually you just listen. I can't tell you, Victoria, how much I'm looking forward to this evening. You hear that crazy about not words, pale. No, no, no, no, no. It's not that. It's just that although I know I have the respect of the faculty and I think they like me, I'm not afraid that because of my position here, there's inclined to be very little give and take on a human basis. But the mere fact that Quincanon and the others may regard me warmly enough to invite me to join is something that makes me feel almost like, well, like one of the boys. I began to suspect I was, I forget the Latin term, but it means a wet smack. Look, look, look, look. Here comes another club member. There's Shaw, Butler, Cassidy, and Ruben. Oh, look at that lovely case of beer they're carrying. Ah, this is going to be a rollicking evening. I know it. Why? Those are the liveliest sparks on the campus. What the heck do we care for? Well, they're really enjoying themselves, aren't they? What about the devil's delaying Quincanon? Are you positive you didn't call upon? Quite positive. Don't fret, Tardy. Quincanon's the host. He's probably too busy at the moment. Yes, that must be it, of course. It takes only a moment to telephone. Well, it may fetch you by some sort of ceremony that has nothing to do with telephone. Or if it has, the telephone may be out of order. I just always get out of work, you know. Well, not in the last four years. Oh, there you are. Oh, you see how long it goes back? But anyway, I'm sure there's a valid reason for the delay. As the telephone could be out of order. It often happens. Yes, a short circuit, for example. Oh, so even just a bit of that rubber stuff coming off and exposing it around. Look, look, look. There, there, there go Weaver and Hudson. I didn't know Weaver played the tuber. He's very clever. Ask me to keep a tuber secret. Uh-oh. Ah, here comes Quincanon now. I... No, no, he's only turned off the porch light. And gone in again. No, I... I suppose he's not expecting anyone else. We mustn't mean that at all, Toddie. Professor Quincanon is very economical, even frugal, man. You really think that's why he... It isn't they to slug yet, either, is it? No way, Mary. Two minutes off. You don't, um... I suppose I, uh, I've been black-balled, do you? Why on earth would you be? Well, they might not think I measure up to chamber music and not worth it. So here comes Grogan. Vicki. Vicki. Do you suppose that's how I am to be informed by the campus policeman? Maybe. Uh, Mr. Grogan. Oh, is that you on the porch, Dr. Hall? Yes. Uh, you don't buy any chance to spare a message from Professor Quincanon, do you? I do indeed, sir. Now, don't wait up for me, Vicki darling. Good evening, sir, and to you, ma'am. Good evening, Mr. Grogan. Well, it looks like a great evening shaping up across the way, don't it? Yes, it really does. But no expensive spare does the same goal. You know what I've been doing the past hour? Delivering messages for Professor Quincanon all over Faculty Roads. Special, hand-created messages. Oh, I was wondering why he didn't tell upon me. Oh, he's not a man to do things by hand. It's the most special occasion he says to me. It is, I says to him. It is indeed, says he to me. Well, you can just in time, if they fit luck. It is indeed. That clock on the chapel hasn't done a minute off in 31 years. Oh, I could tell you a story about that clock. In 1919... You said you were carrying messages for Professor Quincanon. I am, sir. He asked me especially not to forget to deliver to you. Mind you, don't forget, he says to me. It's most important. It is, says I to him. It is indeed, says he to me. I'm sure we'd be very grateful if you'd tell us what it is. Ah, yes, ma'am. Could you spare some mustard for the knock wish? Yes, certainly I'm on my way over and not... What was that? Professor Quincanon said he could use some mustard for the knock wish if he had any to spare. The stores are all closed, says he to me. Are they, says I to him? Yes, is that the only message? No, ma'am. No, it's not. I was asked for a loaf of bread, too. I asked you that. I'm sure of that, he says to me. Are you, says I? Well, if you just go to the side entrance, Mr. Grubin, I'm sure Penny will oblige you. Oh, thank you, ma'am, and good evening. Good evening, sir. Oh, yes, yes. Good evening. Well, I... I suppose I won't be needing this anymore. What is it? It's a... a sour pickle. I thought it might add to the fun. You know, if I suddenly began munching it in front of the brass section. Yes. The mouths would have been puckered up, you see. And all they did are fluffed notes. May I tell you something, Cardi? Dear Cardi, I think you're well out of it. In the first place, not worse, he never did agree with you. Why, I was only going to pretend to eat some, just for the sake of form, you know. Friendship means a great deal to you, doesn't it? Yes, it does indeed, my darling. Our own little friendship may seem unimportant, but if everyone cultivates his own and seeks new ones, the spread of goodwill, like ripples on a fond, may extend beyond the limits of our vision, and go far toward averting the dissolution of my world and yours in a blast of hate. No, I do agree with you, Cardi. Living as we are today, in the shadow of a man-made cloud, shaped like a poisonous toadstool, it behooves us as individuals to see that friendship doesn't become the sole concern of wall-motto publishers and sofa-cushion embroiderers. And if I sound more like Gabriel with a trumpet than Bill Hall with a triple flute, I'm sorry. I never did get a chance to hear it. What, the trumpet? Oh, the triple flute! Of course I'll play something then, it has a really lovely tone. Now, just listen. What would you like to hear? I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why. Flips is the beer that made Milwaukee faint. We'll return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman in just a moment. But first, let's hear what happened at Shirley's house when a young soother won her father's hand in friendship. The first time I called on Shirley, we were obliged to share the living room with her father. He was there when I arrived and there when I left. Permanent as a cornerstone and almost as talkative. Cut off from the rest of the household by the evening paper, Shirley's father devoted himself to the news and to a bottle of schlitz beer that stood on the table beside him. His approval of schlitz seemed obvious. Never having tasted schlitz myself, I was tempted to ask him if it lived up to its reputation. But frankly, I didn't have the nerve, so I kept my curiosity to myself that first evening. But the next time I called, Shirley came to the rescue by offering me a bottle of schlitz. And one taste, just one, was all it took to make me say, Brother, this is what I call beer. No sooner were the words spoken when down came Shirley's father's newspaper, and there we were, face to face. He fixed me with a sharp eye and said, Well, young man, I see you share my taste in beer. It seems we have something in common. Well, that broke the ice. Now, Shirley's father and I almost always spend part of my visits talking together over bottles of schlitz. Shirley says, she isn't quite sure she likes the new arrangement. I say, no wonder they call schlitz. The beer that made Milwaukee famous. As we return to the halls of Ivy, we find a sudden Dr. Hall sitting on the front porch of their home with Mrs. Hall, listening to the faint sounds of festivity emanating from Professor Quinn Cannon's house across the street. Mrs. Hall says, Let it out, Toddy. You've been sitting there stewing for ages. Let it out to up the scenery, hammer it up. Well, I was thinking about Quinn Cannon. If next time we meet there should be any embarrassment, he might think he'd rather childish of me. On the other hand, if I lean over backwards to show I'm not offended, he's apt to think I'm trying to cozy up to him in order to get into the club. Poor Toddy. You're on the horns of a dilemma, aren't you? I am. You'd think, wouldn't you, with all the great scientific advances of the last few centuries, someone would have developed a hornless dilemma by now. If it were a hornless dilemma, I could make short shrift of it. Really? What is a short shrift? It's an old family recipe. Grandma Hall's short shrift was famous for miles around. She was just about to make a fortune with it when suddenly the fashion changed and everyone began to demand long shrifts. Then one day I... How much longer are they going to make that awful racket over there? Don't they realize that some people were in bed? Well, it's only 9.30. Well, some people might be going to bed. Anyway, it's unbecoming when supposedly mature men, responsible members of the faculty, behave like a lot of school boys. They've done nothing but make noise and laugh all night. Something ought to be done about it. I agree. Something suddenly ought... Good mind the phone's broken. Tell them to go over there and break it up. I was thinking of another line of action. What? Phone the town police? No. I was thinking you ought to go over there, sip or flute in hand, tell them it sounds as though they were having a grand time, and ask they honestly and directly if you might join them. Oh my dear, I couldn't. I wouldn't. I haven't been elected. Don't you understand? They might not want me. But they would if they knew you wanted them. Oh. I don't want them. Sitting up all night, playing interminable choruses of McNamara's band. Well, that's not my idea of a good time. I infinitely prefer a quiet walk or a good book. You would try to perfect me Slip's attention. You Slip? Well, don't tell me that blister is a member of Queen Cannon's club? He's coming up the wall. Let you up there, Skipper? Oh yes, to my sorrow. And how are you tonight, fair lady? Quite well, thank you. It's a lovely night. If you were out enjoying it, please don't let us keep you. Oh, not at all, not at all. I was merely strolling past to see if Professor Queen Cannon actually was indulging in an infantile exhibition as I'd heard that he intended. Had he asked you to join? No. I was eligible, of course. I played the glockenspiel, you know. Oh, I didn't know. Oh, good heavens, yes, Skipper. I played the glockenspiel for thirty years. You must be sad by now. I beg your pardon, fair lady. I said I've always admired the glockenspiel. Yes. As I say, I was eligible, but I let him know so definitely by my manner that I was not the sort to be interested in juvenile horseplay that he never even asked me. What a hideous sound they were making. Oh, they realized it's time people were going to bed. It's only 9.30. Well, some people might be going to bed. I'm highly gratified to see you're not over there, Skipper. You're the same sort of person I am. Oh, I am. Am I? Oh yes, yes, indeed. Mauder is the riddle type. For us, the quiet walk, the good book, the solitary meditation. The star, great. You spoke, fair lady. I said, I think our crepes along upstairs is getting a bit chilly. Well, then I'll be moving along. Good night, fair lady. Good night, Skipper. I hope you can sleep with all that fun. That noise going on. Good night. Did I sound like that a few minutes ago? Er, yes. Have you changed your mind about going over there? Well, I won't try to pretend I don't want to. I've always detested make-believe, haven't you? Oh, darling. You're asking someone who was once an actress. And you haven't always detested it. I can remember at least one instance when you enjoyed it immensely. At least you seem to. When was that? Back stage one night in London. Shortly after we met. Of course, I remember in your dressing room. I happen to mention that I'd never been behind the footlights. And you took me onto the stage. I stumbled over a prop on the way, I remember. It was a bench from the garden scene. Yes. And then you turned down the moon. That was an inspiration. We even had music. There was a street musician playing somewhere outside. I can still remember the tune. It went like this. We ever heard it that night in a theater. It came through so faintly. How do you like it from this side of the footlights? It's awfully big, isn't it? Listen to the echoes. They're more mysterious and romantic than from the audience side. Think of all the fun and the fine words. The music and the beauty that have been carried across those footlights. And the hard work and the heartache that doesn't get across. Full of ghosts. Listen to the echoes. Heaven's vicky what power, what opportunity is given to the people of the stage. You must have a touch of the actor in you. Oh, I have. In the privacy of my room I've often played most of the roles created by Mr. Shakespeare. If I say so myself, my hamlet leaves nothing more to be done in that direction. And my Romeo is good for a dozen curtain calls at every performance. What's in a name? That which we call a role by any other name would smell as sweet. So Romeo would. Why, he not Romeo calls. Yes, Mr. Shakespeare didn't know his semantics. Might have made a great difference to Juliet if his name were, say, Hezekiah. Romeo does thy name. And for that name, which is no part of thee, take all my self. I take thee at thy word. Call me but love, and I'll bring you back time. Henceforth I never will be Romeo. I think he embraces Juliet then. Oh, no, no. She's up on the balcony. And he's in the orchard below, at least that's the way Shakespeare wrote it. Well, if such a thing is taking stage, that's just too literally, don't you think? Such a love scene really calls for something better than bellowing at each other from the distance. Yes, I think you're right. Romeo should be up on the balcony by that time, with one arm around her. Not both? If no, he holds on to the railing with the other. Something like this. That's had rather well done, did it? With love's light wings, did I or touch these walls? For stoney limits cannot hold love out. And what love can do, that dares love attempt. Victoria. May I ask you something? Do you think they can really wrote Shakespeare's plays? Don't that really concern you right now? No, that was shyness speaking, not I. Victoria, I... Listen. Listen to this song. Oh, yes. You see, old, old apple song. Straight from the hedgerows in the heart of England. I once heard the words, but I've forgotten them. Oh, you remember. I'll give my love an apple without any core. I'll give her a house without any door. I'll give her a palace where he lives. I'll give my love an apple without any core. I'll give her a house without any door. I'll give her a palace where in she may be. And she may unlock it without any key. Yes, it comes back to me. Now, I remember the ending. My heart is the palace where in she may be. And she may unlock it without any key. Wonder if I didn't know you could play. Oh, what makes you think I'm playing? I'm quite sincere. Sorry, it's Professor Tim Cannon. Well, it makes no difference. He's no right to infuse my motives. And what makes you think I'm playing? Oh, what makes you think I'm playing? William, William, where have you been? Over to London, kissing a queen. Ah, you could have knocked me down with a feather. I stepped out for a breather, heard music come over here, and why on earth didn't you tell me you could play a musical instrument when I asked you? I did tell you. I just think they said I could play the triple flute. Yes, I heard you, but naturally, I thought you were pulling my leg. Ah, it made me nasty. After all, a triple flute. It's a very ancient and honorable instrument and possessive and really lovely tone. Well, look here, wouldn't you like to come over to my house, I mean? To your house? Yes, you remember? The Ivy Chamber Music and Rockworks Society. Oh, that. Is that tonight? Take it. Still here? Yes, I did. Don't you remember my telling you? I'd quite forgotten. Oh, come over now. We'd be delighted to have you join. Would you really? Oh, I don't know. I really hadn't thought about it, and it's rather late, are you? Oh, Dr. Hall is more the cerebral type, Professor. You know the quiet walk, the good books, the solitary meditation. Victoria, please, let me. I'll handle this. Like Professor Heathlip, the well-known block and steel enthusiast. Well, I'm sorry, don't you? I just... No, no, no, no. I accept your invitation gladly. Let's go. Good. Come on. Any knuckwares left? Victoria, don't wait up for me, my dear. Where's that pickle? Never mind. I have it. Well, I need a hat. No, I guess it's just across the street. Come on, Quinn Cannon. Good night, darling. Good night. Have a lovely night. Good night, Mrs. Hall. Good night. Why on earth is it called a Fipple Flute? Because it's a crowed with a fit. I mean, it says it's a flute with a critter-fipple. Well, you clarify the matter with an obscurity. What is a Fipple? A small plug in the upper end. Oh. About Rapp's Fipple was the name of its inventor. By an odd coincidence, his name was Fipple. Johann Sebastian Fipple. Small man with two heads? A three-head. He built himself as the Pipple Trio. Available for parties, weddings and fish fries. No boozer, no chaper, have-owned tuxedo will travel. One night stand? Only in the Arctic Circle, six months' engagement. Evidently not afraid of critical harpoons. His skin was thick enough to withstand them. I suppose, like the saxophone, the Fipple Flute has been called an ill woodwind that nobody blows good. The Fipple Flute is an intellectual instrument. It does not depend on sax appeal. For peace sake, how long can you keep this up? Until the memory of man runs not to the contrary, and the knock-worth has deprived. Ah, good. I think we'll have a great evening. There we are. Ready, doctor? Raise the curtain, professor. Give me a card in G. In we go. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why. Blitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again, our master, Mrs. Ronald Colvin. William, you worry too much. Take things much too seriously. It's possible, Vicki. Quite possible. For example, I take this evening, all those faculty members are very fond of you. But how could they possibly know you weren't pulling their legs when you said to play the Fipple Flute? Mr. Zazz, of course. And I did have a wonderful time at Twin Cannon. Yes, maybe you're right. But I'm afraid I can't finish out my turn as president of Ivy College. Ramping through the weeks with gay shrieks of carefree laughter and witter systems for one and all. It's a matter of record, I believe, that those college presidents who have been more staid have. Have what? Staid. I think. Good night. Good night, everyone. I'd like to look at this time at the Halls of Ivy, starring Mrs. Ronald Colvin. The other players are Gloria Gordon, Alan Reed, Zippard Cannon, Frank Martin. Nice strip was written by Walter Brown Newman and Don Quinn. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was treated by Don...