 Hello there, I am currently hiding under my desk a group of masked men smashed through my back door and are currently rummaging around downstairs Not sure sure who they are. They kept screaming about Unionists So maybe they're upset that I called Derry London Derry one time. I mean that is its official name But I'm on a tight schedule. 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So you can try everything without paying a dime It even has a month-long free trial and a refund option so you can change your mind at any time Click the link in the description to see if campfire blaze is right for you Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go figure out how to pronounce tiok fade a lot tiok fade a ar le Okay, so uh onision the man the myth the Well onision so I'm assuming if you clicked on this you're at least somewhat familiar with him He's basically just an internet guy who does a lot of different things. He's done youtube comedy. He's Done music. He's started a cult a while ago And at one point he did write several books and lots of other people have already talked about them that it's a trilogy of sorts and Well, they're they're terrible. They're they're terrible in every conceivable way. They're just they're awful Greg has no idea his real name is Greg if you were unfamiliar He has no idea how to write books at all and that's why these had to be self-published because no traditional publisher would ever even consider publishing these But for a long time people have been asking me James, you should do some with those you should review them You should do some and I really didn't want to because like I said Other people have already done it. You know other people have already gone into Crazy crazy depth and I don't think there's anything more I can add to the conversation But that said I was curious about them and so I did read them around the beginning of the year and who Who Nelly these are even worse than I could possibly explain like I realized that in a review you can get a lot across especially if it's long and in-depth, but man these are Just absolutely miserable to get through in ways that it's really impossible to describe without you going through it yourself And I was thinking like okay. I have to make all this I have to do something with all this time that I just wasted reading these And I thought about it and I realized that the entire time I was reading I kept thinking to myself Man, if I wrote this I would have changed this I would have changed that I would have done this and It it made me realize hey I could just do a hypothetical rewrite of Onision's books and show how to make them good Now I'll be right up front and say it is much easier to edit something after it's already finished than it is to create something from scratch you know like Onision did the hard work No, I'm not going to put quotes around it. Onision did the hard work of actually writing these things which does take You know time and energy and motivation. So I'll give him that much at least he's he's a piece of shit But you know I'll give him that much And I'm just coming in with the benefit of hindsight and saying hey if we just tweaked this and that and this other thing then It would be a lot better So I'll I'll come right out and admit that But at the same time I'm not going to be doing a Line by line rewrite of this which I could do you know, but Like no, why would I ever do that even if I Did that why would anyone be interested in watching me go over it? So basically what I'm going to do is I'm going to keep the important stuff similar Uh, not necessarily the exact same but like the important plot points and everything will be You know the the same the important character beats will be the same But for example in stones to Abigail I Changed the order of some of the big events so they make a little bit more sense and they actually escalate And I might change the way that some of the big events happen and in some areas I do have to take liberties and You know make some stuff up that Greg just left completely blank essentially but You know, it's the best I can do and I will come right out and say that Yes while I am making his books into something Tolerable I don't think they they are going to be the greatest things ever. I still think they'll be kind of dumb, but Well, no, no, that's it like they they'll be still be kind of dumb And uh, so I just so I don't wind up repeating myself over and over again There will be some basics that I would change going through that I just think kind of go without saying for example Fix all the spelling grammatical and formatting errors like yes, obviously fix all that better descriptions and pros because Greg has about 12 different adverbs in every sentence and every sentence goes on four times longer than it needs to but at the same time he Gives basically no description at all about anything that goes on, you know Very little description about what characters look like what the environments look like What happens when there's action going on like just very little And I genuinely think that if he Were to give proper descriptions in these books then each of them would be two and a half to three times longer Also, just less detail on the sex scenes, you know, some of these sex scenes I'll cut out entirely and I'll mention that as I go forward but Just some of them like just do a tasteful cut away and then it's the next morning or something like that I just just I don't know and beyond that if I don't mention any scenes that In particular or any plot points in particular Just assume that it was done in more or less the same way, but it was written better Okay, just just assume that and also I don't have a physical copy of any of his books because I just read it on pdf I'm not giving him money So this copy of a sky beyond the storm is just going to substitute for all of the books in the onion trilogy And anyways, uh I'm not going to go into a lot of detail in the summary So if you want that go watch a different review and then come back because we're about to get started with the first entry in the onion Trilogy stone's tab again Out of all of greg's books. This is definitely the best. I mean, it's still terrible, but you know it I will give it credit that it at least feels earnest. Like, you know, he was trying to create something Profound and something that was actually good He just failed at it. Whereas the other two are much more blatant self inserts But that said the actual story of stones to Abigail is pretty basic and Well easy to understand basically there's a high school student named james patrick He just goes to a crappy high school somewhere in the united states He's introverted and socially awkward and he kind of has a crush on this girl named abby and they wind up Dating for a while and she's also being abused by her father and her life is Torment and everything sucks and blah blah blah and james kind of saves her from that because he's just the coolest guy ever And in exchange she has sex with him Um We're not gonna talk about that Uh, and then there's a school shooting and a bunch of their classmates die And then the president shows up and there's various other tragedies in james's life And then it just kind of ends you know, so it's a Mostly realistic if it was animated be called slice of life Uh Storyline, you know, it's just meant to be a drama with some elements of comedy in there And it fails at that but at the same time it's the easiest one to fix So to start off we'll keep james pretty much as is, you know We'll keep it with him being a loner except for his friend davis We'll keep it so that he's kind of judgmental over the other students around him and he thinks of himself as Superior and smarter and everything when in reality, he's just kind of an asshole teenager and yes That would make him somewhat insufferable, but like a lot of teenagers really are like that I certainly was when I was that age and I don't think they ever specified But he's probably between 16 and 18 years old um And also keeping him, you know isolated and awkward and everything gives a lot of opportunity for character development for Uh kim getting better and becoming a better person over the course of the story And then there's one little detail I would add is that he really loves puzzles Because that's the thing about james patrick in onision's version is he has like no hobbies or interests whatsoever He just kind of hangs out with his friend davis sometimes and then later he starts having sex with abby And that that's really all he does Whereas in this at least giving him that one little hobby, you know, he loves rubik's cubes and sudoku puzzles and He loves doing like amateur code breaking stuff like just that one little thing making him passionate about that one thing Gives him an actual personality One of the earliest things that happens in this book is that this bully character named jason Attacks james and beats him up and no one really cares about it And james basically just looks at it as oh everyone at the school is a violent douchebag and they They're all terrible people and i'm so abused and oppressed and everything like that whereas And yeah, obviously getting bullied like that would really suck But i think it'd be better if in this one james still gets beat up But he attempts to fight back a little and he fails now that that's an important thing to note is that he In the original book james just decided later on that he's a god to your badass And so he beats up jason and three of his jock friends in a parking lot outside school and he does it Without even really getting hurt himself, which is pretty much impossible Even if you are the most badass is badass of all badass of all time if you don't have any weapons or anything at least and Well, it just feels like stupid wish fulfillment Whereas in this if we showcase right from the start that yeah, james is just kind of a normal guy If if he's getting beat up by a jock, then there's not much he can do Then it pretty quickly takes that element out of off the table So around this time james and abby, uh wind up working together on an art project in school and The way it's set up in the original book is kind of Weird because abby's just like i don't want to work with this guy And then she specifically points out james like i want to work with him even though they don't really know each other And it's it's just kind of an odd Set up to put in there So i just decided you know at james and abby will just be randomly assigned to work together You know that sort of shit happens all the time and at first abby Because she's also kind of isolated and doesn't like talking to people Similar to james. She's kind of put off by him at first because she's like, oh, that's that weird guy I don't really like talking to him But then she sees him working on like sudoku or code breaking or a rubik tube or you know puzzles of some sort and then she she tells him hey, I also kind of like that and They bond a little bit over that they see that's the thing They bond they have some sort of common interest here Which they really didn't have in the original book like just having that one little Connection to start off with and then as time goes on they realize. Oh, we actually really like each other There you go and you could have it so that james Uh kind of has a crush on her at uh before they start this bit or you can have it So that he didn't really think about her until this very moment But you know either way this is where they actually get to know each other And uh at some point during all this when they're starting to become friends james notices Signs of her abuse like uh, he notices that oh she has some bruises and stuff. She's Someone's hurting her, uh, but she kind of you know withdraws from it. She's like look don't talk to me about that And that sort of thing This is of course in spite of james trying to comfort her, you know, he tries to tell her Oh, you know what you're abused and everything, but I still like you the world is still Perfect or maybe the world is still uh worth living in yada yada You know just things that an awkward teenager would say because he's not trained to deal with this sort of thing And he wants to help but he has no idea how to do it and then he realizes. Oh, okay Maybe that was a weird thing for me to say uh, and then Later after this like when him and abby haven't really talked for a couple of days or something He gets beat up by jason again because it's kind of implied that this sort of thing happens a lot And after he gets beat up he just kind of picks himself up and you know, he's obviously hurting bruised Bleeding whatever and then he goes off with his friend davis and davis kind of comforts him and You know james obviously isn't happy or anything, but You know abby witnesses this and she realizes you know what maybe Maybe I don't have to be alone in my suffering essentially is what she's realizing And so she sends james a coded message of some sort like hey Do you still want to be friends? I'm sorry, etc Now again something similar happened in the uh original book She just sends him a coded message which turned out to be her phone number but They never mentioned that either character is into puzzles or anything And so it just comes off as kind of odd and like also Why would james assume it was a coded message? Why would he assume it was meant for him? It it's just an odd plot point There's a lot of odd little moments like that in onision's books, but also odd big moments which are Even weirder in a strange way And so from this point forward abby davis and james just become friends now that's important to note They're friends james can still kind of have a crush on her and think she's pretty and all that but They don't immediately hop into a bed together. They don't immediately start having hot make-out sessions or anything like that They're just you know, she needed to connect with someone Because she didn't really have any friends and james was kind of lonely davis was also a little bit lonely And so they're all just yeah, we'll be buds together. They go off and I don't know. I don't know. They solve puzzles together or something. They you know, they're they're just friends It doesn't really matter what they do so long as they're together sometimes and then just like in the Original stones to Abigail jason at one point feels up abby In the middle of class and no one does anything about it And just like in the original stones to Abigail james tries to fight him, but like I mentioned earlier He loses You know, he just can't fight Uh Jason he's a much bigger guy and james isn't some secret Bruce lee badass like it's just It's not going to happen But while it's happening it'll be kind of like that scene in the first captain america movie where he's getting beat up in an alleyway And the other guy keeps expecting him to stay down, but he keeps jumping back up And he's saying hey, I can do this all day and After this jason starts to respect james in a way. He's like, you know what? I beat this guy up a lot, but he He knowing that I would kick his ass. He came to me Angry about what I did with his friend and he's still coming at me even after I beat him up like Huh and like it causes jason to kind of rethink some stuff and eventually He just says whatever dude. I'm leaving and he he goes off Like he doesn't outright come out and say I respect you now because of that but like The subtext will get that across And also like in the original stones to Abigail james is gonna run for school president Sort of in the original book It was just near the end two teachers just randomly decided That hey, this james kid should run for school president because He's the main character. I guess and the main character has to Run for school president. I don't know. It's just it's a weird plot point And james winds up not really wanting to do it and he doesn't go along with it and then the book ends So it really doesn't add anything whereas in this version Uh, see davis in both versions is going to be kind of a happy go lucky jokester comedian type guy Obviously, he's not funny in the original because onision isn't funny But in this we'll just Broad strokes will just say he's funnier And uh, he suggests that james run for class president and he'll be his vice presidential Candidate just as a joke You know because obviously they're the outcasts and no one really likes them and they kind of hate everybody But just as a joke, they're going to be putting up posters and doing bizarre campaign stunts and you know things like that and james is Kind of reluctant again. He doesn't really want to do it But because davis is his friend and he wants to help out his friend He goes along with it and it gives him something to do together And even though he's a little annoyed and doesn't really like the attention he's He has some fun with it. And then of course, there's the school shooting abby's ex-boyfriend seth comes in with an m16 and kills 50 other classmates and wounds another four and while this is happening james Try he roller skates around for a little while not explaining that because it doesn't make sense originally either Um, and then he's looking for abby and then he's about to get shot by seth and then jason comes in and actually disarms seth and beats him into a coma i think And then the day is saved and then james finds abby and comforts her But he doesn't actually do anything to stop the school shooting and it's pretty clearly Uh put in there as in for onisi on to push an anti-gun message now here's the thing i I disagree with onisi on's message here And so if i were to write this book i wouldn't put that in there But this isn't me rewriting the book into what i would write This is me writing it or this is me turning it into a better version of what gray tried to write So after thinking it over a little Essentially, I just have to strengthen that anti-gun message. I just I disagree with it, but you know, it's That's whatever he's allowed to write things. I disagree with and so thinking about that a little I would say that Well, one seth couldn't have an m16 because normal civilians actually can't own those uh, and so I would say Specify that seth bought Some sort of other gun it. I don't think the exact type really matters It could be like a shotgun or just a handgun or something Because you know, if you're it's a bunch of unarmed targets We've seen a lot of different types of guns used In these types of shootings But you know specified that they live in a state with relatively loose gun laws and that seth was Over 18 so he was able to just go in and buy it without too much issue and then he used it to Shoot up a school and so Yeah, I think that would strengthen the message I would still disagree with it if I came across that in the wild But it does at least follow some real-world logic Now during the actual events of the shooting rather than James Hearing gunshots right after he gets off the school bus and then getting back on and then getting off again to look for abby We'll just have it start during school. You know, it could be during lunchtime or it could be right Before the bell rings and classes start or something like that just during school You know him and davis are together and then they hear gunshots and rather than running like everyone else does They immediately panic and think oh god, where's abby? We need to make sure she's okay. So they run off to go find her And then as they're running off to go find her they run into seth as he's you know shooting up other people And seth shoots davis And davis, you know collapses and james like oh shit. What's going on and then uh James decides to distract him for a minute to maybe draw him away from his friend or draw him away from other people or something and he gets shot in Not anywhere that would kill him. You know, i'm not going to say james is dying at the end I'm saying he gets shot somewhere non vital like in the leg or the foot or something and then uh while he's distracted jason comes in and disarms him And it in that way it follows pretty much the same Uh, I don't know formula it follows the same events as the original book But in this case james actually did something, you know, it could be as simple as He threw something at seth to distract him and that gave jason just enough time to grab him and beat him up And this could also be in a weird way a kind of bonding moment for james and jason because They do bond a little bit in the original book But that's because jason feels up his girlfriend and then james beats him up in a parking lot Whereas in this it's jason kind of respects him for taking so many punches And then oh they helped each other out here So they don't they aren't necessarily friends by the end, but they do Have some strange sort of camaraderie at the end And then james will go over to davis and realize oh, shit. He's dead This really sucks and again In the original book davis does die, but that's because he ran out onto the highway and got hit by a car and it's It's kind of weird and comes out of nowhere whereas in this At least it ties into some sort of climax So james because obviously he's been shot Now he does get carried away in an ambulance and goes to the hospital And then while he's there abby finally finds him in his room or wherever he is And then she just kind of breaks down crying and at first james is like oh, okay Obviously what our friend is dead and a bunch of our classmates are dead and she probably saw dead bodies and stuff It's okay for her to be upset And he's kind of trying to tell her uh look i'm i'm okay Yada yada they're they're both upset at the moment. So he doesn't really know how to react Uh, and then she confesses that she wrote a letter to seth in which she wished everyone would disappear so she could be alone for a while and James here's this and he gets upset and yells at her for a while tells her get the fuck out of here You killed davis etc that sort of thing and she you know leaves Crying obviously and very upset now in the original book Yes, this this happened in a similar way because Way long after the school shooting she admits yes, she did write a letter like that and obviously She wasn't telling him to shoot up the school like not even implying it at all. It's just she's venting She was in a difficult place in her life and she's like god. I want to be alone for a while I want everyone to go away and uh james hearing that at this point in the original book is You know, they've been together for a long time and she's been giving him support and everything And he still walks out on her because he's being melodramatic It really makes james come across as a dick when he does that whereas in this situation. Yeah, james is being kind of a dick when he says that but I mean he was shot his best friend was killed and other people were All killed and it's not something that happened a while ago the way it was in the book. It's something that happened very recently It's so it's still fresh in his mind. It makes sense why he would snap and lash out at her even though She doesn't really deserve it But of course later he'll realize after cooling down a little that you know what she didn't do anything wrong She certainly didn't want this to happen and he forgives her and then the president visits now In the uh in the original book It really doesn't make sense for the president to visit a school that just had a shooting because There's so many of those the president would not have time to visit after every shooting which is Definitely an indictment of american society. But you know, it's that's a that's a separate discussion But in this just it's very simple to change it just make it so that It's an election year and the president the president's running for reelection and he's running on an anti-gun message or a pro-gun control message however you want to put that and so Yeah, it would make sense for him to go to the scene of this really big tragedy and just talk about how Hey, we could have prevented this if we did xyz And then so just like in the original he'll make a speech And he'll congratulate james only this time james actually did something and he'll also congratulate jason I'm just now realizing I wrote just in in my notes for some reason but that's because Well, that's because onision likes to have every character That they're all their names start with the same letter and it's actually kind of confusing to keep track of and at several points I'm pretty sure he accidentally switches characters around like I don't think it happens in stones to avigale But I swear in this is why I hate you it happens more than once And around this time james's mom sees that abby is in an abusive home like her dad is you know hitting her Way beyond the points of what's acceptable And so he helps get her out of her home and into a more stable environment while she's recovering from the shock of Oh, a bunch of my classmates were just fucking murdered and I saw dead bodies and yada yada Only in the original book She stayed at james's house Uh, and also she let them sleep in the same bed Okay, and also also she moves out of the house for a while, but she still lets them live there While she's paying for everything Again, okay in this one Uh, none of that shit. She she's not gonna do that. Like maybe she'll let abby stay with them for a little bit But uh, she'll see Her and james like fooling around or something at some point. So then she's like, okay You're not you're not saying her anymore But obviously she can't send her back to her own home So she'll have him live with uh james's aunt or something You know family or friends that are in town somewhere where she can be stable and nearby and still attend school and everything But her and james won't wind up doing something stupid And then we'll end the book with james at davis's funeral Where he you know realizes that life goes on even without my best friend here And he decides that not caring about things is dumb because I liked having friends and stuff This will of course contrast with james's earlier attitude of deciding the world is stupid and i'm above everything And so you know character development the character changed And this will help make the book actually be somewhat consistent and have something actually resembling themes And it'll have a sense of escalation and that sort of thing and I think if you wrote a book like this I don't I don't know if I'd be particularly interested in reading it, but I know other people would be and I don't think it would win any awards, but At least it would have a purpose for having a school shooting in there So now we move on to the second entry in the onision trilogy. This is why I hate you This one is a lot harder to streamline I'll be honest. I had to think about how to do this one for a while because the plot is basically non-existent. It's It's basically just this guy named arthur who is also a high school student Who also hates everybody except he's much more of a violent asshole than james is And then he leaves high school and joins the military and then some stuff happens And then he dies And it really doesn't tie into all that much And I realized after a while that this one really tries to be a character study of arthur Because onision says in the intro for this book that james in stones to avigale was the light and arthur is the darkness Which is um I'll I'll just let you figure out on your own why that one's stupid But after I realized that that's what it was trying to do I think I could change the plot a little bit more in this one than I did to stones Than I did with stones to avigale, but you know not not too much. It'll still be recognizably similar but It's I I have to take a few more liberties here. Okay, like there's just there's no way that the framework onision provided could Really make arthur come across as anything other than Edgy violent wish fulfillment who lives in a fantasy land where he can do whatever he wants So just like stones to avigale. We'll start this one off the same arthur kind of hates everything and complains about everything especially his father And we'll also make him be Violent and kind of a good fighter now. Well, it said in the book that his mom just taught him how to fight which is not really much of an explanation, but I think if we like throw in some flashbacks and some more actual detail we can maybe get away with that So we'll leave that in we'll leave it in that he is a good fighter just because Well, it's kind of central to the character. He's that's one of the few things he's good at And then we'll also throw in that his dad gets a new girlfriend and that arthur really fucking hates her and is like grr that frog face Vegetarian bitch. I can't stand her because he just he's kind of just an insufferable douchebag And he can't stand anyone just like in the original book We'll have him bond with a girl named ashley and they'll start dating But we'll give them an actual reason to bond like, you know, they'll have Some sort of shared interest, you know, they're both like sports or video games or baking or literally anything literally anything at all would be better than what we have in the original book and um Basically, they'll be dating for a while and she'll leave him because he fights the guy who assaulted her Now I realized that a similar plot point popped up in stones to Abigail, but that's because greg has no imagination Yeah, basically they're dating for a while. This dude touches her inappropriately arthur fights her and he'll He actually in the original book just straight up stomps on the guy's arm and breaks it But he avoids getting expelled from school somehow And in the original book i'm jumping ahead a little but uh in this one Yeah, he'll just be expelled for that and that's also going to cause ashley to leave him And uh but that's skipping ahead like I said and at some point while they're dating He's going to admit to her that when he was a child his dad molested him And that's why he's so angry and why he hates his dad so much in the original book This comes in during the epilogue as a kind of a way of excusing why arthur um Was the way he was and why he hated his dad so much Which would have been fine if they had at least hinted at it before that But they didn't it just kind of comes in at the last second as kind of more of an excuse than an explanation and uh Also on on that subject Arthur just straight up did not remember it Until partway through the story when he starts going to some therapy sessions and then he realizes. Oh, that's what my dad did to me So it It just it's just a plot hole Which will be closing here, you know, he admits to his girlfriend that happened and so There we go And he gets expelled for fighting gets his g ed and his dad's pissed at him and everything but they're still you know living together And just like in the original book, uh him his dad and his girlfriend are going to go on some sort of road trip arthur is going to get into a fight with his dad and He's going to kick him in the face a couple of times and in the original book this actually He just straight up his dad's girlfriend pulls arthur's boots off while they're fighting And then arthur runs off barefoot into the wilderness and gets stranded Because you know, they're in the middle of nowhere on a road trip And then later arthur gets arrested and sent to juby and that's what gets him expelled from school, which Yeah, okay, we're just not gonna we're not gonna do that because it's stupid However in this version, he'll still fight his dad in the car But he rather than Going to jail or anything his dad's just gonna be pissed at him and he's like, you know what? You got your g ed get the fuck out of my house and so Yeah, at this point arthur has Been thrown out of his house. He's no longer going to school and he no longer has his girlfriend So maybe he'll drift around for a while homeless or something Or maybe he'll just decide right away to join the air force just like in the original So while he's going through basic training and then he later leaves and goes to a different environment and Has, you know, some structure in his life for the first time. He realizes that He kind of likes it, you know, he likes being away from his dad He likes getting exercise. He's meeting new people and in particular He gets along really well with a lieutenant colonel at his base, which in the original book was just an excuse for Him to be able to gouge people's eyes out without getting in trouble because the lieutenant colonel will cover it up Is it it's stupid and really doesn't make sense. Whereas in this Yeah, it makes sense. He could be friendly with the lieutenant colonel as long as he's not doing anything to Agree just the awful and at some point during this He'll meet these two girls and they all kind of like each other and they wind up becoming a polyamorous Thrupple, you know, it's similar to what happened in the original book only in that one it was like A lesbian started not being a lesbian because she liked Arthur so much, which is really not how lesbians work, but Yeah, yeah, okay, we're just yeah, we're we're not open in that can of worms But yeah, basically Arthur just decides, you know what? I'm I'm enjoying life and I kind of like what where everything's headed right now Now meanwhile while all this is going on he'll have some sort of rivalry with another airman named austin just like in the original book and It really doesn't matter how or why they become rivals It just matters They don't really like each other and so they will just kind of take potshots at each other At every opportunity like nothing that'll get either of them in too much trouble But like just taunting one another basically and at some point austin will somehow find out that Arthur was molested by his father And then he will you know bring that up and taunt him about it And Arthur is just gonna snap because like okay, bro. You took this way too far and he'll just attack him Brutally beat him injure him, you know, whatever something like that and Because of that he will be discharged Like that's the thing even if the other guy taunts you like that If you don't have the kind of discipline and control to avoid Brutally attacking someone in that situation the military will throw you out. So let's let's be clear on that subject like You might get a general discharge if you're lucky, but most likely you get an honor a dishonorable discharge and so because he's friendly with the lieutenant colonel the lieutenant colonel manages to avoid uh Having austin press any charges. So Greg I keep calling wanted to call him Greg because he's very clearly a self-insert But Arthur will be you know thrown out of the military and he'll have no job and nowhere to live and his two girlfriends are Gone so he's you know isolated and in a bad place in his life again And so he's forced to go back home and beg his dad to let him stay and while this is going on The readers and everything are realizing man this This really really sucks that he's in this position, but he has no other choice And his dad agrees you know enough time has passed that He's like okay. I forgive you. You're still my son. I love you. Blah blah blah and arthur Will probably have to avoid The urge to do something violent to him But he he will avoid it for the time being at least And then at some point while this is going on arthur will see Some sort of evidence that his dad is musting some other child and then he'll just straight up kill him You know, he'll be like, you know that old man You're dead. Yep. I I've lost everything. I don't care anymore And it really doesn't matter how he kills him, but he kills him And then at some point the police are called maybe his dad's girlfriend calls him or something And he will not react very well to that and something will go down and the police will kill him So that's how he'll die in the original it was that austin and his other goons were uh I don't even like talking about but basically they were Trying to sexually assault arthur's two girlfriends and then he just decides well I'm gonna kill you guys all now and he kills them all but in the process one of the other guys kills him So this keeps that same idea of arthur being well one a crazy badass to A violent kind of psycho guy and three he's just defending someone innocent from being sexually abused and Yeah, admittedly this version is still kind of exploitative and everything but uh Well, at least it ties into Why arthur is such a dark character rather than being something that's kind of Separate and then we'll end it with a journal entry from one of his girlfriends just like the original And that'll be kind of it now. This is still edgy still dumb still kind of plotless, but It is an actual character study not necessarily a very good one. But at least it does show, you know, how someone Could become this way and what it leads to you know It shows that yes He had some pretty bad trauma in his life and that trauma wound up breaking him in the end Whereas james's trauma because remember the light and darkness motif that we're trying to go with James's trauma strengthened him and made him a better person arthers broke him down and made him a worse person That's uh kind of the best I could do with With this is why I hate you it's Yeah, there's really not a lot to work with but That would be better than greg's book And finally we come to the finale reapers creek now this one This one was by by far the hardest to fix because this is like eight different books all meshed into one It's like greg got like 20 pages in writing one book and then decided that he felt like doing something else So he just tried to change the plot into another direction for a while And then change it and something else and so there's just a lot of weird stuff going on It's like okay first this it's just another drama about this kid living in kind of a crappy situation and then Oh, okay. He's being abducted by aliens and then oh, okay. He has mind powers and then oh, okay he's a god and The shortest simplest way I can think to explain the plot is a kid finds out he has powers and then he kills god So in this one just like the others will start it off more or less the same The main character is a 11 year old kid named daniel who lives out in this rural area There's the big forest behind his house where he goes to play in and then there's also a creek You know the reapers creek and daniel can also see death You know in the original book he sees a red glow Whenever something dies, whether it's an animal or a person or something And it kind of comes out of nowhere and they don't really do much with it uh And in this book it'll just Introduce the powers right away without any bullshit or anything He can see dead things and his in his mind It's just always been that way But whenever he tells people about it they don't believe him because you know He's an 11 year old kid. They just assume he's making up stories and Great. That's that's already kind of an interesting setup. Let's go from there And then we'll also pretty close to the beginning. We'll just have the the first alien abduction happen Like he'll be taken by aliens. They'll do weird experiments on him and he'll think oh god This is terrifying But he won't really be hurt or he's not physically and they'll send him back and he'll be like Whoa, that's crazy and when he tries to tell people about it that they won't really believe them because again This is the kid that tells us he can see dead things. We just assume that he likes to make up stories. It's great and In the in the original book It's not made clear if this is the first time that the aliens have abducted him or not because it's treated pretty casually It's just uh, Daniel's Daniel goes. Oh, hey, I was abducted by aliens. Cool. Like It's it's weird in the original but at least in this again it's It will be brought in early on so it doesn't feel weird when it comes in later And the aliens will use some sort of mind powers While they have Daniel there like they might be moving objects with their minds or they'll be speaking to them telepathically Or you know something like that something along those lines so that we can see okay These powers exist in this universe, you know, it's called set up and payoff which Onision doesn't understand And after that we will keep the bully subplot from the original because in the original there's just this character named Philip who is kind of a little asshole who Daniel doesn't like and he tries to beat up Daniel, but then Daniel beats him up instead because he's a badass And in the original book Daniel just kind of assumes at one point that Philip is being abused at home Like he never sees any evidence of it, but he just kind of assumes Yeah, he's acting out because he has a crappy home life. Yeah, that's what's going on. I understand how this works Whereas in this we'll just we'll keep it simple. Daniel actually sees Philip abused at some point You know, maybe he's out in the woods with his dad and his dad like is smacking him around or He's just walking down the street one time and sees it or something along those lines Give him an actual reason to feel sympathy for Philip even though Philip is kind of an asshole And we'll also leave out the fact that they fight at one point and Daniel wins, you know, we'll we'll cut that out because again This isn't about Daniel being some god-tier Martial artist or anything. It's like we'll just leave that out And at some point they will just become friends instead because they're 11 years old and at the end of the day Most of what they do there doesn't really matter and they can put it behind them great In the original book right after they fight the narration basically just says And that was the last time I ever saw Philip because he died not long afterwards and his body was in the creek or something along those lines And I think you can leave that bit in but if they just find Philip dead in the creek And then they also uncover some of the other corpses because they there's a ton of corpses that are disposed in there over the course of the story Uh, we'd actually feel kind of bad about it. Like we think oh, Philip was just Becoming friends with Daniel and now Daniel's gonna be sad and Philip will never get the chance to be a better person that sort of thing And we'll also be wondering well who or what killed him. What what happened here? Now in the original there is a scene where Daniel or he's actually referred to as Greg multiple times throughout the book So I keep wanting to call him Greg. I'm sorry, but there's a scene where Daniel is watching a movie in school one day and in the movie there's For whatever reason someone says what would happen if we combine human and dinosaur DNA, which is Not the sort of thing that I would imagine seeing in any sort of academic context So it's really odd and but when he sees what it would look like he realizes That's the alien that abducted me and he gets freaked out about it Whereas in this one we'll just have it so that at some point Daniel's watching the news or a tv show or something And he sees the aliens on tv because some crackpot got footage of it and he's like look there's aliens They're attacking and no one really takes it seriously because they just assume he faked it You know like he's looking for attention. It's like someone saying they saw bigfoot or something And Daniel's like no no those are the aliens that took me. I'm telling you and again No one believes him. So Daniel will start to feel more and more isolated and like he's in more and more danger at this point and We'll keep that up that motif like he'll see the alien ship Once in a while while he's out in the woods or he'll see He'll think he sees aliens in the crowd somewhere or he'll feel like they're trying to visit him at night or something And in the original book Daniel just puts himself Under some tin foil and then they can't get him. Maybe we'll leave that in here somewhere or maybe not It's not really important In the original he gets a crush on this girl named Julia who is 15 years old You know four years older than him and then They start dating and they yes, they do in fact have sex which is um That's what is referred to as pedophilia in in uh where i'm from Uh, so we're just not gonna have that in here. We're gonna have Daniel will have a crush on Julia and it will not be reciprocated You know, she'll just be like friends with his sister or maybe some random girl that he meets at some point It's really not important the important part is she's not having sex with a sixth grader because that's Weird and creepy and fucked up The more the aliens visit Daniel The more his powers will start to develop because like I said He can already see dead things and he notices that they can move things with their minds and stuff So we're gonna give Daniel some opportunity to like experiment and also because he's like going through puberty and stuff Maybe it's just natural and he'll start to develop powers of his own Now the problem with the original book is that he can he's just a god You know, he can work reality do whatever the hell he wants All the time with no restrictions whatsoever. So it was kind of hard to Pick powers that he could have that would still fit with the original motif of this And I thought about it for a little while and I was like, okay, we'll just have it so he can like I said See the dead, uh, we'll have it so he can astral project because he does that a lot actually And we'll give him like telekinesis or maybe telepathy or something, you know, so he'll be powerful But he won't be omnipotent You know, that's the important part because in the original book He just starts to realize Kind of out of nowhere that he has all these powers Whereas in this if he sees the aliens do it, maybe he'll be inspired to try it out himself and realize Oh, okay, I can do this and he'll realize now through some experimentation what the limits of his power are and that you know Put in some actual tension put in some rules put in flaws do Something anything to make it interesting Because it's just boring to watch a god go around and do things without any effort And so, uh, life will go on like this for a while Maybe daniel will like attack some of the aliens when they come for him And so they'll back off for a while and he'll just be living life On his own for the next couple of years not really making a big deal about who he is or anything and At one point the aliens will come back and They'll take him they'll try to abduct him again, and he'll say enough is enough and he'll just kill them And you know, he'll blow up their ship just like in the original book, but he'll Have a little bit more of a difficult time doing it. He'll have to fight some aliens and stuff So we'll have an actual thrilling action sequence or something And then he'll realize you know with these powers I could like I could save people Yeah, that sounds awesome. So he just becomes a vigilante, you know He goes off starts fighting robbers and tracking down murderers and stuff and he just kills them and Obviously this eventually gets noticed by people Uh, but they don't know who he is. There's like, oh, hey, these murderers keep getting killed. That's that's so weird and um at one point in the original story he goes to have dinner with julie and her family and He just kind of reads her dad's mind and realizes he's a serial killer And he has some cronies as well who are also serial killers. And so he just kills him right there and um In this version, we're just gonna have I I genuinely don't even know he'll he'll have to somehow find like actual evidence Maybe he can stumble across it Maybe he can actively be searching for it after he finds a dead body But he will somehow come across actual evidence that julia's father is a serial killer and just like before he'll kill him He might feel kind of bad about it, but he he will kill him over it and I think it is a good idea Because in the original story, he kills him right in front of julia or julie. It's actually goes back and forth several times I'm I'm sticking with julie because it sounds a little better. But in the original Uh, he kills julie's dad right in front of her and then he Implants the memories of him attacking women in there. So she understands why he did it, which is just Jesus Christ that sounds fucking horrible. So I think there's a good idea at the core there though. I think that the idea of Him Killing her father and her seeing it and being horrified by it rather than just oh, okay. I understand why you did it he'll I think that's a good idea. So we'll leave that bit in she'll be nearby and Daniel doesn't realize it until too late and he kills her dad and she's like daniel you killed my dad and you have mind powers What the shit? and after that he might try to explain things to her and Whether she listens or not is really not that important because at this point in the original book an assassin comes along and kills julie but uh Daniel just grabs her soul puts it back in good as new and then julie doesn't do anything for the rest of the book So it really doesn't matter And so in this version i'll keep it there the assassin will kill julie and daniel will be Super pissed about it and he'll go to the assassin be like, why'd you kill her? Why? And he'll be like, oh, I was hired by this guy and then the other guy he'll go to will be like Oh, it's hired by this guy and he'll go back in Oh all the ways until he eventually realizes. Oh, it was the aliens that did it. So then he'll decide Okay, you fuckers are gonna die And so he'll go off looking for him again trying to find like their home planet or something Because remember he will have only blown up like the one ship they sent to earth here And while he's out searching for them some mysterious force will grab him and take him away somewhere Uh again, just like the original this turns out to be god or well kind of god. It's like a piece of god It's not important. It's not explained very well in the original. I don't understand it It's just he's kidnapped by god and then While when he's kidnapped in this version, he'll actually learn some stuff about how this universe works and about where his powers comes from Now onision's version has it as there's this black rock inside his head, which gives him his godlike powers But it never really explains how the rock got there or what it is or where the rock comes from or anything like that So I had to actually think and reach a bit before I could come up with a proper explanation for how this could work basically In the original god's sister god actually killed her at some point and we'll we'll get back to that later but We'll just have it so that in this version Daniel is either a a piece of god's sister's power who just became sentient somehow or A piece of her power will have latched on to him when he was in the womb or a baby or something And that's where his powers come from like great. It's it's a little out there a little far-fetched and I would probably have to Do some real uh world building to World building and foreshadowing to make it make any real sense But at least it is an explanation Which the hell of a lot more than onision gave us and uh while he's up there with god He's like whoa, okay, so you're this Your god you created the earth and everything Uh, and he starts asking questions about the universe and god basically just tells him like yeah, there's lots of other gods out there Uh, that sort of thing and I noticed you were here after a while So I just decided hey, I gotta grab you and now i'm just gonna kill you So he tries to kill him and daniel also tries to kill god well and While they're fighting it doesn't go very well because daniel is just a tiny piece of a god's power whereas God is you know an actual god But he's not just some regular human so he can actually fight him to an extent However before god can actually kill daniel all this power being released attracts other gods and then they're like hey God it it's kind of difficult to refer to let's call him yaoi. Okay, because he's basically the biblical god uh, but Greg just makes him into an asshole because he wants to whine about religion or something but we'll just call him yaoi Okay, I apologize if that offends anyone but the other gods are like yaoi. What are you doing? You're destroying stuff. You're causing too much trouble. You're kind of a dick. We don't like you anymore So we're just gonna kill you and So they do it and they don't really even think about what daniel's doing. They don't give a shit about him There's like hey, this guy has been causing trouble for many thousands of years So we're just gonna get rid of him now. They're they're tired of his shit Um, but when they kill him daniel somehow absorbs his power You know like I don't know precisely how that would work I'm imagining something kind of like the shards of adenalsium where you can kill the host and the power is there Or maybe just like they destroy his mind first and there's a brief moment where daniel can just like reach out Grab the power and absorb it into himself But the point is daniel becomes a full god at this point like he's he's still not all powerful the way he was in the original book, but he is like Powerful enough to create life and to create entire planets and solar systems and stuff And so the other gods are like oh shit. Um, well You know what kid we're gonna we're gonna put you on probation for now Like just don't cause any trouble. We'll let you keep doing your thing So then using his newfound powers daniel goes to the aliens again who he was originally planning to just Blow up their planet and kill all of them because you know, they killed julie the girl He had a crush on and he's so mad about it But after some cool down time with god and everything he realizes. Okay, like maybe I don't have to kill him I just need to figure out what's going on and so he goes to him and Communicates with him a little while a little bit and after a while they eventually iron out that They were after him and they tried to kill julia Or kill julie specifically to attract him here because they were not expecting him to be a full god They were just expecting him to be a powerful human essentially And they wanted to all the experiments and everything were them trying to take his power Out so that they could have it and they wanted to somehow use it to fight god because Or yaoi. I mean because yaoi was just Being an asshole, you know, he's a tyrannical god. He demands sacrifice all that sort of thing and so that would be You know, it would fit in with greg's idea of not really liking religion But at least it would you know have an actual villain Well, it's still not great. I'll admit to that. It's still not great But you know, and at this point maybe we could find out that You know god yaoi killed his sister because I don't know whatever reason in the original book. It's that Yaoi Was jealous of the way she created humans and then out of jealousy He raped her and then out of shame for raping her he killed her because Onision's a fucking weirdo and Like every other character in his books is raped and or murdered In this case it is at least making some sort of a point It's still not great, but it's pretty much the best I could do without completely rewriting everything Uh, and then so Daniel just like in the original he becomes you know, the god of earth It's uh, still kind of anticlimactic and he still decides You know what? Let's make earth a utopia and get rid of all the crime and poverty and everything but I mean, it's a little bit better than it was originally where he just kind of snaps his fingers and resurrects his dead Uh, yaoi's dead sister who is also his mother again not really explained because he also has a human mother and she Yaoi's sister died however many thousands of years ago And also maybe god is his father and Daniel's the product of rape. It's none of it's none of this explained Like that's why it's so hard to come up with stuff for this because there's just nothing to build off of There's not even an outline or framework or things I could just oh, that's kind of good But I gotta tweak it like there's just nothing here Uh, but you know, we'll just end with Daniel being god of earth and fixing everything. Uh, it's still anticlimactic It's still a power fantasy overall but At least there's an actual story here this time You know, there is Actually a reason why the assassin would be doing stuff There are some actual stakes and tension to why uh, or to all the battles and everything But I mean it's still not good. I still think this would be a terrible book and it would still need a pretty serious rewrite to be even Well even publishable I think because when I say publishable, that's a pretty low bar because some I think if you've been watching my channel long enough some really terrible stuff has been professionally published over the years, but Yeah, I think that's about everything for Reapers Creek and overall Onision Does have some good ideas. I'll give him that, you know, and like I said, I will give him credit that he did sit his ass down and Crank out three books, which are not very long books But you know, he did get them out there and that just goes to show you that execution is everything You know, I hate when people say, oh, it's good ideas But like the execution is poor because that really doesn't tell you anything execution is always everything It doesn't matter if you have good ideas because Onision has good ideas and look at how his books turned out like there's just It's everything in is in how you do it. Everything is in presentation Everything is in uh, the little minutiae of one plot point to another plot point And that's partially why it's so easy for me to Rewrite these and make them sound so much better because if I were to do a page one rewrite and follow the same basic outline that Uh, I just told you guys all about It would uh, it would probably not be as good as I'm making a sound and I really don't think I'm making a sound all that good to begin with but Well, you know, I I don't really have much else to say I I finally did it I did read Onision's books so you can stop bothering me about it. I still think yes, they are terrible I I think we're all in agreement there and I I didn't quite review them, but like I said other people have done that better than me and You know share this video around and stuff because I spent way too long on this and I need to justify that With ad revenue. So just share this around like the video comment on it all that stuff All right, this is the part where I have to read off patron names So, uh, thanks to all of you guys and thanks especially to oppo, savelain and olivia rayon ava tumor brother san totes christopher quinton Deanna day him embiss emily miller joel carcat kesune Liza rudakova medicine lewis Bennett microphone sad martigan tobacco crow tom beanie vacuous silas vae victus and of course Yaakov merkin all of you guys you you are all seriously Just the best just just the bestest best people ever without you I would not be able to do this and if you want to get your name on here Then donate to my patreon page. Why not anything helps a dollar a month? That's that's more than most of you will ever give me but you know It's one of my father ever gave me certainly So, you know if uh if you want to help then you know get your name on here and uh, you know do do stuff Thanks. Bye