 My name is Sam Backney. I'm the author of Malignan Selklava, Narcissism Riveted. Some patients develop co-dependent behaviors and co-dependent traits in the wake of a life crisis, especially if the life crisis involves an abandonment and the resulting solitude. An example would be a divorce or an emptiness when one's children embark on their own autonomous lives and live home altogether. Such late onset adult co-dependence fosters a complex emotional and behavioral chain reaction, whose role is to resolve the inner conflict by reading oneself of the emergent, undesirable co-dependent conduct. The new co-dependent is unhappy with her traits and behaviors. She wants to read herself of them. But there's a discrepancy between consciousness and the unconscious. Consciously, such a patient may at first feel liberated, especially after a nasty divorce. But unconsciously, being abruptly dumped and lonesome has a disorienting and a disconcerting effect, a little like intoxication. Many patients rush headlong and indiscriminately into new relationships. Deep inside, this kind of patient is always dreaded being lonely. Lonely, not alone. So following the divorce, the death of a significant other or intimate partner, the passing away of parents or other loved ones, children relocating to college, and similar episodes of dislocation. Following these, she suppresses this dread of being lonely, because she possesses no real effective solutions and articles to her side and solitude. She has developed no meaningful ways to cope with her overwhelming loneliness. We are taught that denied and repressed emotions often erupt and re-emerge in camouflage in disguise as it were. The dread of ending up all alone is so great that the patient becomes codependent in order to make sure that she never finds herself in a similar situation again. The codependence is a series of dysfunctional behaviors that are intended to fend off abandonment. Still, patients who develop situational codependence, unlike the classic, long-life codependence, are fundamentally balanced and strong personalities. They cherish their self-control. So they always keep all their options open, including the vital option of going it alone yet again. They make sure to choose the wrong partner. That's their way of getting rid of their codependence. They choose the wrong partner, and then they spectacularly expose his egregious misconduct so that they can get rid of it, and together with him, of the newly acquired codependence, and all this in good conscience, and at the same time. And so to reiterate, the situational codependence is characterized by a deep-set fear of being lonely, a kind of abandonment anxiety, a form of attachment disorder. And this is an underline, dormant, inner-lensman. This lurking abandonment anxiety is awakened by life's tribulations, a divorce, an emptiness, the death of one's nearest and dearest. Once this abandonment anxiety is awakened, at first the newly found freedom is exhilarating and intoxicating, but this feel-good factor actually serves to enhance the anxiety. The inner dialogue goes something like this. What if it feels so good to be alone that I will opt to remain by myself for the rest of my days? This prospect is so terrifying. So feeling good at being alone enhances abandonment anxiety. And so a conflict erupts between conscious emotions and behaviors, like liberation, joy, pleasure-seeking, etc., and a nagging, unconscious anxiety. The dialogue is, actually the monologue is, I'm not getting any younger. This can't go on forever. I've got to settle that. I've got to find an appropriate mate or spouse. I should not be left alone, etc., etc., and this is only unconsciousness. So to allay to resolve this internal tension, the patient comes up with situational codependence as a coping strategy. The aim is to attract and bond with the mate, so as to forestone abandonment. Yet the situational codependent is ego-dystonic. In other words, she is very unhappy with her codependence, though at this stage she is utterly unaware of all its dynamics. Codependence runs contrary to her primary nature as accomplished, a certain self-confident person with a well-regulated sense of self-worth. She feels the need to frustrate this new set of compulsive addictions, her new codependence. She feels the need to get rid of her codependence because it threatens who she is and who she thinks she is, her self-perception. Surely, she says to herself, I am not that clinging, modeling, weak, out-of-control type. It's disgusting. Throughout her life, she has known herself to be strong, a good judge of character, intelligent and in control, and codependence doesn't become her, definitely. But how to get rid of this newly acquired disease? What to do? Well, three easy steps. One, the situational codependent chooses the wrong partner, unconsciously, of course. She then proves to her satisfaction that he is the wrong partner for her. And then, she gets rid of him, thus re-establishing her mastery, her autonomy, resilience, self-control, and demonstrating credibly that she is codependent no more.