 can we agree that intimacy or sleeping with someone is a very intimate act? And it seems to me that if we wanna take this a step further, kissing someone is a very intimate act. And yet probably in the last 20 or 30 years, kissing on a first date is a very common thing. I want you to think about that for a second. So if kissing is a very common thing and it's also an intimate act, are we kissing people? Are we having sex with people whom we really know? Do we really know if we can trust this person? Do we really know this person has our best interest at hand? So today I wanna lean into a conversation that I think is critically important for those who are active in the dating marketplace who are seeking a long-term relationship. Not those of you that are seeking a casual relationship, not those of you that are seeking as friends with benefits, not those of you that will accept a situation ship. I'm talking to those of you who truly want a long-term relationship. So coming back to kissing is very intimate act. And yet we kind of say, okay, that's kind of expected on a first or second date because it's a sign of affection. It's a sign of flirtation, that sort of thing. All right, I can maybe accept that. But let's talk about what you should know about someone before you're physically intimate with them. What should you want to know about them? One of the reasons why I created my private coaching program is because I think human beings do a terrible job of actually getting to know another human being. I really do believe this because today most conversations are kind of surface and I jokingly say on my videos, things like people's conversations are, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. And then sometimes when people do feel a connection with one another, they oftentimes are merely texting each other with a lot of flirtatious affection, saying things like sweetie and sweetheart and how's your day going, baby? I miss you, baby, that sort of thing. And all of that happens on our smartphones and there's a dopamine hit when we feel that someone likes us. We feel this connection with someone, especially for those that we haven't even met. If there's a lot of flirtation that happens via text messaging and it's continuous for a very long period of time without going into the deeper questions to determine is this person right for you? What happens in so many cases that there's a major let down by the time you actually meet someone? Okay, so I'm about to share something that I think is a great question to ask someone prior to a first date. So I'm a big proponent of people who do meet on dating apps that they, since that roughly 60% of people these days are meeting through an online connection, I'm a big proponent of asking some deeper questions before you meet. I know some people have a philosophy where they'd rather meet first to determine chemistry before they go into deeper questions. I'd rather, I don't wanna spend the time getting dressed up, meeting someone, feeling awkward without maybe determining if we're actually compatible with one another. I'm a big proponent of asking, spending a little extra time in the predate process versus during the dating process because a first date should actually be something rather enjoyable instead of what I recommend an interrogation prior to. Now, what I mean by interrogation prior to it's an interview prior to no different if you were going to interview for a job asking some deeper questions. So this particular question which I'm about to share with you right now is a post I did on my Facebook and Instagram and I wanna read you what I wrote first, okay? Before I read you the actual, well, I'll read you the meme. So it says first date question. Now again, I believe you should do this ahead of time before you meet but a first date question. How aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions and how are you actively working to heal them before you try to project that shit on me? Okay. Now what I wrote, if you exclude the projection at the end of this I'm not really happy that there's, I get the gist of the joke. I wanna know how messed up you are before you project your stuff on me but let's exclude that part of the meme. I said, I like this question because it allows for an opportunity to discuss the deeper aspects of a person's life experience. While many people might not agree with me then at what point in the mating dance do you wanna learn about a person's emotional maturity? So this question coming back to how aware are you of your traumas and your suppressed emotions and how are you actively working on to healing them? Okay. Many people believe that they are not emotionally dysfunctional. In fact, I think a majority of the population believes that they're not better than everyone else but they are certainly, well, I think there is a better than everyone else that I'm different, that I'm special. And yet the reality is most humans are suffering on the inside of I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable and dating triggers this like nobody's business. All of our stuff can come up in the dating process. It can be triggered because the minute you begin to interact on a romantic level with someone else it actually, it bubbles up our childhood wounds and adult traumas to actually an opportunity to work on them. So in this question, it doesn't have to, okay, so I want to address childhood wounds, the things that happen on our childhood that oftentimes trigger us in our adulthood. For example, my mother had a capacity to do something called stonewalling. And what happened when I was growing up is whenever my father, my brother, my sister or myself did something to really agitate my mother she would go stone cold, stone cold for roughly 70, for roughly three or four days she was stone cold. Now I want you to imagine this as an eight year old boy, myself, your mother is cold to you and you feel, and she's maybe mad at your father, okay? But that stone coldness was projected on me and I wasn't feeling loved. I felt like I did something wrong. So how does this manifest in my adult life? The minute I feel a sense of emotional abandonment from another person that, you know, and they may not have done anything. They just might, well, interestingly enough when I was beginning my relationship with Marie I, she would take a very long time to message me. And the minute I felt like there was an abandonment I would immediately start going into panic mode. I did something wrong. This was triggered by what happened with my mother and it manifest as an adult, okay? Now I've done a lot of therapy and work to heal on that and it's still a default for me to go there. I'd go there for about a second or two now but it used to be I'd go there for days on end. Okay, this was a childhood wound. My mother didn't intentionally wound me but that's the byproduct of what happened and that's just a simple example of how you might also feel the same way and a man might have his own emotional traumas at childhood. Okay, now let's fast forward to adulthood. See, since my demographic is midlife which I say is after baby making years and before retirement. Most of the women I work with and men I work with are in their 40s, 50s and 60s. The reality is is roughly 75% of singles over 45 years old, this is anecdotal, are divorced. And divorce is a very traumatic event in a person's life. It's not an easy thing to go through and for many people they have a judgment about divorce. I know a lot of men for example might have felt hurt by their partner given that women initiate roughly 70% of divorces. They might have very valid reasons for divorcing. I'm not discounting that but that can be a very traumatic event to a man and he might become bitter, he might become jaded, he might be less likely to want to be in a marriage. And if he didn't look at his part in the ending of the relationship he might find himself meeting someone, get a temporary fix from someone else. And if it isn't going easy a man will abandon a relationship because men want things easy. I am particularly in relationships. I think a lot of men don't have an awareness that a relationship is an opportunity to work on your childhood stuff like what I had happened. Oh and by the way, going back to my sweetheart Marie when it came to texting I actually once watched her text it and it was so painful to see how she texted one finger at a time and it made sense to me why she's not a good at responding and then I could let that go ever since then. Okay, that abandonment issue because she's just lame at texting. Okay, coming back to adult traumas. See why I like this question coming back to this is it invites a conversation if someone is completely oblivious to how their emotions are directly affected by their life experiences. And I recognize men like to think that they're logical but the reality is we are emotional beings. By asking this question, you get to see this person in two lights. So let's say we ask this question along with trying to get a sense of their past relationship experiences. If a person somewhat complains and throws their ex-partner under the bus. In other words, it's all their fault. And by the way, women do this habitually as well. I was with a narcissist. He was such a narcissist. He was such a narcissist. It's like, listen, I get that there are plenty of narcissists out there but we are swimming in a sea of self-centric human beings. So not everyone is a narcissist. A lot of people are simply myopic or they're self-centric. And then it gets labeled as narcissism when the reality is most humans are self-centric to some degree. We operate from self-first. Women do this, men do this. It's not singular to men. And there's nothing wrong with it. It's just a lack of awareness, a lack of real empathy, a lack of real understanding that when we put our energies in blame it becomes a reflective manner. And what I mean to say is if this man is habitually throwing their ex-partner under the bus and they're not taking ownership or if a woman is throwing her ex-husband under the bus and not taking ownership in their part then they might find themselves in a dynamic that's not healthy for them. So coming back to this question it creates an opportunity to talk about deeper things. You know, I mean today's conversations are so surface level, it's no wonder. And what happens is when you have surface level conversations romance ends up being the primary driving force of the relationship and you find yourself attached to someone who might be a total nightmare. I had one woman write me on YouTube saying I had an eight week experience. You know, we saw each other two or three times per week and I'm gonna get big proponent of spending a lot of time together in a short period of time. And she was just to start having feelings and then all of his stuff started to implode in this dynamic. And she basically she got to see the real guy instead of the image that he was projecting. And this is what happens in a lot of dating dynamics today as we see what Chris Rock calls the ambassador of someone's best self. And these questions actually create deeper understanding of who this person is. That's why when I created my private coaching I teach women based on their personality which questions you should be asking to determine do we share the same values? Are our lifestyles blendable? And more importantly, does this person have the emotional maturity to actually lean into a relationship because the reality is as ladies you are not dependent upon men. Well, many of you are not dependent on men for your financial survival. So you can actually start to choose men based on their emotional maturity and their relationship skills rather than from a place of dependency. And I'm a big proponent of every woman being in their empowerment. In fact, that's why I wrote my book what the heck a self love anyway a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work there's a link below to get a copy of my book. All right. I think you get to just to where I'm going ask deeper questions especially before you get physically intimate with a man this is a must. All right. I think you get my thoughts on this please post a comment below if this resonated with you or if you have something to add. As always, if you find value in the group please tell your friends about midlife love mastery send them to my website, jonathanassay.com have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. And I'm going to sign up this videos I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now. Bye.