 The Avid and Costello program brought to you by Camels, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. The music of Freddie Ritch and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes, Billy Gray as Little Matilda, Christmas Zorro, tonight's guest, the lovely Paramount star, Miss Veronica Lake, and starring, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. You know we have to go to Palm Springs? Oh, yeah, yeah. Keep the bar Mrs. Niles' car. Yeah, but I had a terrible accident Abbott. I upset it. I gotta turn it over right away or Mrs. Niles won't like it. Well, we can do that when we come back from Palm Springs. No, I gotta turn the car over now. Mrs. Niles is gonna be mad. I'll explain it to Mrs. Niles. Where is she? She's under the car. What? She's under the car? Yeah. Is she in a coma? No, she's in an evening gown. No, no. Well then, let's get Ken Niles to help lift the car. Oh, Ken is in a good spot to help her. Well, fine. Where is he? He's under the car, too. Oh my goodness, for goodness sakes, how did this accident happen? I bumped into another car Abbott, and boy was that driver mad at me. He said, for two cents, I'd punch you right in the nose. And what happened? He ran up a bill of eight dollars. You were very silly to argue with a driver. Why didn't you call a policeman? I didn't have to. I hit one. What? I hit a policeman. You hit a policeman? In uniform? No, I hit him right in the nose. Oh, this is liable to spoil our whole trip to Palm Springs. Did the cop recognize you? Yeah. Hey, could he swear to you? Could he swear to me? Yeah. Yeah, and I swear right back down here. I said, you David Copperfield, you Taylor Two Cities, you Oliver Twizz. Wait a minute. What did you say that for? I was giving him the dickens. Oh. This is a fine thing. Now I have to straighten him out with a policeman. Where is he? He's under the car, too. Oh my goodness. What are they all doing under the car? Have you looked for an apartment lately? I don't know. Wait a minute. Here comes Mr. and Mrs. Niles. That a-beat it, Costello. Oh, no. A levy car flipping phone as you left me out there under the car holding up the rumble seat. What a lion holding up the rumble seat. I could spoil the whole network right here, but I won't. What's it say? Good morning, Mrs. Niles. Oh, good morning, ma'am. Good night, Mrs. Niles. That day went fast, didn't it? Costello, why did you leave Mrs. Niles under the back seat of that car? Isn't that where they always keep the crank? Just a minute, you worm. Don't try to wiggle out of this. What about me? Look at my suit. I'm a mess. Without looking at your suit, you're a mess. But look at the spots all over my suit. All right. Throw the suit away and wear the spots. Costello, I paid enough. We're going out to get the policeman and sue you for damages. Damages? Put Mrs. Niles- No, that's mine. Thank you. Damages, but Mrs. Niles, did you get hurt? Did I get hurt? I have a big scratch on my crazy bone. Put your hat on and nobody will notice it. Come on, have it. Think fast. Think very fast. I've got to get out of here before they come back with a car. Oh, you can cause more trouble. We're going down to Palm Springs to ask Veronica Lake to appear on our next picture. Yeah, hope she will. She will. Now, you wreck the car. We're going to use. What are we going to do? I have it. Well, now we'll have to rent a car. You mean because I wreck the car, we've got to rent another car? Yes, we'll have to rent it. Okay. Where can we get one? You drive. I beg your pardon? Me drive? No. You drive. I said I drive. No. You don't drive it. I drive it. Drive what? A you drive. Why should I drive when you want to drive? Now I am going to drive. Look, Castella, I'm renting a you drive and I drive it. Then we both drive. No. We do nothing of the kind. I drive it. When I say you drive, I don't mean you drive. I mean that I drive, although it's a you drive. When you say you drive, you don't mean me drive. You mean you drive because me don't drive. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. Now you've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Look, hey, Abbott, take it easy. Don't try to get me mixed up. Oh, go ahead. Now look, you go to a place and you rent a car. Yes. You, not me, you are driving the car. Yes. Where am I sitting? You are sitting right next to me. Is there a steering wheel in front of me? No. And you're positive that I am not driving. I'm positive. And you are driving the car. Yes. All right. What kind of a car are you driving? You drive. Drive and drive it. No, no, no, no. Look, Castella, I'm trying to explain this. We go and rent a car. Right. Now where are we going to get it? You drive company. Now I drive company. I thought we were going to Pars Springs alone. You don't understand. It's Hertz you drive. Well, if it hurts, you drive. That's right. That's right. This thing is getting worse. No, no, don't you see? The head of the company's Hertz. That's too bad. What hurts him? Nothing. Nothing hurts him. Look, every company has to have a head. Naturally. This company's heads hurts. Then let him take a nest. Listen, Castella, please listen to me. It's Hertz you drive all over the country. If it hurts to drive all over the country, why should I drive to Pars Springs and get hurt? You don't get hurt. It's Hertz company. Hertz company. I don't want to hurt nobody. Look, will you listen to me? The man's name is Hertz. He rents cars. You drive. It's you drive all over the country. Not with that OPA, brother. Now what are you talking about? What do you mean what am I talking about? That's why I can't go. OPA. What do you mean OPA? Well, I only got a puny A-car. Get out of here. A German torpedo boat streaks toward an Allied convoy in the Mediterranean. Suddenly from an American freighter bursts a chatter of rapid-fire cannon. The E-boat quivers, bursts into flame, and a Navy gun crew has saved another shipload of supplies. They've got what it takes, these Navy gunners, and so has their cigarette. Camels. First with men in all the services according to actual sales records. Wherever they are, from Iceland to the Gilbert Islands, their camel cigarettes will be fresh when they reach them. Cool smoking and slow burning, because camels are packed to go around the world. More camel cigarettes overseas may mean less in your store, so be patient. If you can't buy camels today, try tomorrow. Remember, when you get camels, you always get more flavor. The result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos, because camel's tobacco standard is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. C-A-M-E-L-S. Camel cigarettes, they stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Ready rich plays the ever-popular Dancing in the Dark. We're at the Swanky Lone Palm Hotel, right out here in the middle of the desert. Oh, I don't like the desert. It's full of insects. Oh, not at this time of the year. Yeah, but where do all the little bugs go to one at a time? Search me. No thanks. I just wanted to find out. Oh, now listen, please, stop that. Come on, let's get a room. Okay. Oh, clerk, clerk. Oh, jerk, jerk. Just a moment, please. This is a very high-class hotel. I'll have you understand. I'm not a jerk. You're not even a vibration. I'll tell you what you please. Act like a gentleman. Okay, kid. Clerk, we'd like a room. Very well. Do you want a room with a bag? What do you think I want to do? Follow the arrow? Listen, clerk. We're going to make a very important picture, please. Castello, will you listen to me? Mr. Clerk, we're going to make a very important picture, and we came down here to see Veronica Lake about being our leading lady. Oh, yes. She's stopping here. Every time I see Veronica Lake, I want to kiss her. My mind says no, and my heart says, yeah. What are you here for in your liver? Well, Mr. Castello, if you'll just sign the register, I'll have the boy show you to your suite. My what? Your suite, your suite. You're cute, too. Oh, come on, clerk. Now what about the room? All right, Mr. Castello. I have a lovely room for you on the 10th floor. Here's the key, 10-06. Now get going. Okay. Hey, clerk, I'd like to leave a call for 12 o'clock. Sorry, we're all out of 12 o'clock calls. Then call me twice at 6. Now listen, Castello, please. Can you take that key and get up to the 10th floor and into your room? Okay. See you later, Abbott. All right. Okay. Now listen, clerk, I want to meet Veronica Lake right away because do you see every 10th floor? 10th floor? Wait a minute. There's only one floor in this hotel. You haven't got 10th floor. Oh, good heavens, man. You're all right. That's a serious. Oh, Mr. Castello, there's no 10th floor. Come on. Castello. Castello. Speak to me, Castello. Are you all right? What can I do for you? Send the boy up for my bags, will you? Come on, now, Abbott. Now let's get out of this place now. Now, I've never been so humidity in all my life. Humidity? Yes, he humiliated me. Humidity? Humidity means damn. Now, let's get out of this damn hotel. Damn. I can't check out. You just checked in. Oh, it's a gypsy in me. No, never mind. Shut up. You can't leave here. Now, we've got to see Veronica Lake. Okay. But if I stay, I want a room right close to hers. Well, that's easily arranged. Miss Lake is in 104 and I'll put you in 105. Ain't you got nothing closer? No, no, look, never mind, please. Grab the bags and let's get to our room. It's right over there. Now, here's the key. Open the door. Who's in my room? Matilda, how did you get to Palm Springs? Did you come down here on the Greyhound? No, I got a job here in Mr. King China's Long Palm Hotel. What's your job, Matilda? I'm chambermaid. I put lace curtains around all the mouse holes in the wall. Lace curtains around all the mice holes? Why do you do that? That attracts a higher class mice. Oh, come on. Now listen, Castelloy. Hey, Abbott. That's Matilda knocking on the door again. Just to bother me. I'm going to put her over my knee and paddle her. All right, you ask for it. I thought you was only three and a half years old. Castelloy, it's Veronica Lake. I came here because the room clerk said you wanted to see me and this happens. I've never been so humiliated in all my life. You see, Abbott, she said the same word. That humili... Humili... She thinks she's at their hotel too. Daphnis has nothing to do with it. I said humiliate. Conjugated from the Latin. Humilius. Humilius. Humilium. I humiliate. She humiliates. They humiliate. Now do you understand? Yes, ma'am. Everybody in the joiner stamp. Will you stop that and pay attention to Miss Lake? Yes, Castelloy. I'll have you know that I studied Latin at my mater's knee. Your who's knee? Mater. Mater means mother and pater means father. Where are your mater and pater? I went to the theater with my braider and sater. They're all, I mean... Look, Veronica, never mind, Castelloy. See, I make up all my own... Can you keep quiet, Lou? Please, pay no attention to them, Veronica. The fact is, we came down here to see you about being the leading lady in our next picture. Well, I think that's impossible because... That's Miss Lake's line, please. I'd say goodbye. I'm down here making a picture of my own. My director's waiting for me now out on the desert. I'd like to go with you. How do you get out there? On a jackass. Did you ever ride a jackass? No. Then you'd better get on to yourself. That's sort of a very, very snappy remark, isn't it? That's a funny joke. I think I'll try it on Abbott. Hey, Abbott! Now what do you want? Did you ever ride a jackass? No. Then hop on my back. James sings a lovely new ballad. My heart tells me. My heart tells me this is just a fling. Yet you say I mean everything. My heart tells me I will lips that kiss like yours. People who've tried a camel cigarette or two like them, but just never got around to smoking them steadily. If you are, let me tell you the difference between smoking just one camel cigarette and smoking a pack or two. You see, camels do have more flavor, the result of our expert blending of costlier tobaccos. More flavor is what helps camels to hold up, keep from going flat no matter how many you smoke. When you're on your second pack of camel cigarettes, make a careful checkup in your tea zone, tea for taste and throat, and be your own judge of camel cigarettes' rich extra flavor and smooth extra mildness. And remember, your camel cigarettes will stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning anywhere because they're packed to go around the world. C-A-M-E-L-S. Camel cigarettes, they're first in the service. They've got what it takes. Get off my back. Oh, pardon me, you know, Castelli, you really did give you a good ride. That's right, pal. I did, didn't I? Mm-hmm. Come on, what are you trying to tie me up to the hitch and pose for? Hey, quiet, you guys, we're shooting a picture. Get that camera over here. All right, you extras, line up on the right. Hey, Joe, bring that dummy over here. Okay. Put me down, put me down! Hey, Castelli, look at those beautiful extra girls over there. Now, as long as we're here, what do you say we date up a couple for the night? Oh, no, not up to last night, my friend. What do you mean? We had a couple of girls last night, remember? Well, so, all right. You had the best look, woman. So what? Yours had teeth. Now, wait a minute, please. Never mind that. Yours had teeth, too. I'll say she did. Mine had so much bridge work, every time I kissed her, I had to pay toll. No, I never mind that. I mean, after all, there's a, come on, and another thing, Abbott. Why? We're down here for business. I know that. There's a baronica lake in our picture. All right. There's a dressing room over there. I'll knock on the door. It's you, boys, again. I told you at the hotel that I wouldn't appear in your picture. But, Veronica, you're making a great mistake. We've had a lot of experience in the theater. I was in Tobacco Road. What did you do? Empty the ashtrays? Boy, she sure told you, Abbott. Just a minute, Castello. Where did you ever act? Where did I ever act? I played in the way of all flesh. What part did you play? I was one of the meatballs. I recognize you in that. You didn't recognize me, eh? Well, I was wearing a spaghetti toupee. Well, that's the first time you ever used your nude. Well, I guess it's no use, Castello. Veronica will only make a picture with Glamour Boys. I'm a Glamour Boy. Just the other night, Headed Lamar told me I was her idea of a lover. Then her husband walked in. Then what happened? Her idea was carried out. I'll tell you what I'll do, fellows. We're just about to shoot a scene from my picture. That scene is shot. Now, what about the next one? Veronica, we're already on the set. Oh, here comes my director. Oh, Cliff, I want you to meet Mr. Castello. Mr. Nazzaro, Mr. Castello. Mr. Abbott, Mr. Nazzaro. Mr. Castello, Mr. Abbott, Mr. Abbott. She's getting kind of crowded. Let's get some more chairs for something, will ya? He's this. They're quiet. Cliff, can you use these two boys in our picture? Yes, I think so. I need a lover and a stuntman. I'm a lover. I'm stunted. Now, wait a minute. I think you're no lover. Now, what do you mean? When I come on the screen, women sit up and notice me. Oh, yeah? The women who notice you are too old to sit up. Cliff, we're wasting time. Why don't you explain the scene to the boys? All right. Now, boys, this is a very simple scene. The camera catches Veronica and Abbott in an embrace. Castello, you come into the room, and I want you to walk over to the restaurant, lift up the caster, and pull in your sailor briefs and pour the right of capital row to separate men and women. How can Abbott do that to me? You don't stand for it. You grab Veronica in your arms and you say, Veronica, I'm always the surveiller, by the way, and every time that I put you see a little great degree in... I want you to kill your frees and not devour the vise for all the times that I sampled the hip and bitty quarters of the right of capital row. Did you get it? Yeah. I mean, you... you didn't say it. Why don't you pay attention? He's directing you, lo. Castello, I want you to know that you can insult my director. Absolutely not. After all, I just told you I want you to go over to Veronica. Pick up the sandwiches. Not the little casserole, but some other balls. I want you to walk towards her. Put your arms, put that little sandwich face, pull it all the same, and speak the sort of things. And I know what I'm saying. You go again insulting him. I can't understand you. You can't understand me! Listen to him! What's the matter with you, Castello? Can't you take direction? Mr. Nazaro is a famous director. Yes. You mean, you mean to tell me you never saw a gong with a cemetery? Or for whom the bells told the cemetery to pay their dividends? I never saw them, but I saw Guadalcanal did it. You mean Guadalcanal did it. Did it. I saw it twice. Will you stop that, please? Let's get back to the scene clip. Mr. Castello was just about to make love to me. All right, Veronica. Now, Castello, listen once more. You fall in love with Veronica and propose to her. I want you to give me that depth of her sort of grace when they're patient. And I want you to go over to her and bring out the cast and bring out the seller force at the times when you love, not carry grab those other actors' race. I want you to sell a former stellar race. Don't you agree with me? Yeah, but what about the children? Ah, let's not mention any children. What he could have! Now, listen, Veronica, I've got a reputation and I don't have to stand for this because if I have to stand listening these fellas come and tell me that I've directed formaries, I've made conference, for example, seller phrase, car pass, and never made the force of the picture. And it's a stellar, and I'll do it too! And he means every word of it. Look folks, I realize I lost my head and there's just one more thing I'd like to say before I go, Staniflannicitor for the seminary. Yeah, I'm glad he said that because he's a nice fellow. Yes, he certainly is, Costello. Just think after the way you treated him. He was big enough to walk back and say, And that means a lot too! Yes, Lou. What have you got to say? I mean, after all, what can I say? After the fellow was big enough to come back and say, Staniflannicitor for the seminary. Lou, if you hadn't been so frantic when he came in to thrall and then colivisade, he wouldn't have been so poliscied. Poliscied? That's the one thing I couldn't do to him, Poliscied! I mean, what does he want from me? What does he want from you? Why at this very moment he might be outside guilt? Fending? Who have it? Abbott and Costello will be back in just a moment. Thanks to the Yanks of the Week, tonight we salute Cavalry Lieutenant David C. Webull of Piedmont, California, who has been awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for extraordinary heroism in Sicily. Trapped with a small patrol between a blown-out bridge and four enemy tanks, he ordered his men armed only with machine guns to fire. When their ammunition was exhausted, he told his men to seek cover and jump directly in the path of the tanks, firing a Tommy gun at point-blank range, killing the entire crew of the leading tank, and enabling his men to hold out until reinforcements came. In your honor, Lieutenant David Webull, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the four camel shows honors a Yank of the Week, sends 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravans have flanked nearly 3.5 million Yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week, a short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen Friday night to Jimmy Duranty and Gary Moore. Saturday night to Bob Hawke in Thanks to the Yanks. Saturday night to Blondie. And of course Thursday night, it's Abbott and Costello with their guest, Arthur Treacher. And now here's Abbott and Costello with a final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costello, I'm certainly glad to be away from the Lone Palms Hotel and Palm Springs and all that trouble. That's right, Abbott. And I, come in. Costello, I'm Officer O'Hoolahan. You're under arrest for causing personal damage to Mrs. Niles and to her car. I'm taking you to the station house. Oh, yeah? Where's your patrol wagon? How are we going? You drive. You drive? Not me, brother. Oh, resist me, then, Officer O'Hoolahan. Take that. What have you got to say? It hurts. That's what I've been trying to tell you all day. Tell me what? Hurt's you drive. All right. Coming in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show with our guest, Arthur Treacher. And remember, camel cigarettes are first in the service. They've got what it takes. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Veronica Lake will soon be seen in the Paramount picture hour before the dawn. This is Ken Niles wishing you all a very pleasant good night from Hollywood. More Pipe Smoke Prince Albert. Find out for yourself why PAs got so much pipe appeal. Why more pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the whole world. Just open up a big red two ounce package of Prince Albert and light up a pipe full. See how fragrant, how mild and sweet smoking it is. Notice how easy and comfortable Prince Albert is on your tongue because it's no bite treated. See how well Prince Albert packs and burns and draws because it's crimp cut. Yes, sir. Get a package and you will find out why more pipes smoke Prince Albert. It's the national joy