 best teacher try a camel let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before and draw up a chair for tonight's camel show starring but haven't faded shirt was I yeah I was over there or Carol's helping the bubble dancer blow up her bubble Abbott she was so grateful she gave me the best seat in the house in the first row no inside the bubble night the manager and I scribble figures on the tablecloth and you know if you and I put all our money together we could buy it or Carol's no the tablecloth Abbott me and that bubble dancer are engaged I think I'll have to call it off why for two reasons her parents object to our engagement and so does she that girl would marry you and live in that broken down shack you're living in broken down shack yeah but I'm proud of my home it's the only house in California with Venetian blinds over the mouse holes has grass growing through the middle of the floor what do you expect for $15 Brussels sprout Dallas why don't you build yourself a little house out in the suburbs of course you know what the suburbs are sure that's French for a long bus ride no no no you can have a lovely little place with a garden on the front lawn you could have flowers spelling out your name flowers the flowers could spell out my name certainly how do you like that the flowers are smarter than I am don't you want to own your own home loaves so that you can entertain and have people over for dinner Abbott I had a mob over to my house for dinner last night I serve pheasant turkey chicken and carmel wait a minute you serve carmels with pheasant turkey and chicken sure before the guests can get their teeth unstuck I eat all the white meat new house oh now wait a minute you don't have to have money to build a new house it's easy to finance it's easy to what finance finance sure for your home why should I finance for my house my house is loaded with ants right now house by themselves talking about finance don't you know how to finance certainly I know how to finance I just look in a sugar bowl and dirty I'm talking about ants I'm talking about finance like you finance in business oh how do you like that not a answer going into business they must be making chovies chovies showing you ever heard of anchovies just forget about it you'll need money to build a house so I'll ask my wife to get you alone get me alone who wants to be alone with your wife get you alone in the bank get me alone in the bank through the vault now my wife will take you to the bank she'll fill out the papers and take a lean against your new house your wife is gonna lean against my new house that ton of stuff is gonna lean against my joint leaning against my house have it easy now she's tired tell it to go home and go to bed is in the mortgage business a mortgage is a lean or chattel now down to the bank down at the bank where my wife she has a no box full of chattels have a chill wife is an old chattel but listen to me I'm talking about chattels haven't you ever heard of a chattel chattel sure my uncle's got a herd of chattel just got a herd of chattel chow's and chairs chattel is alone and you'll have to get alone and then you'll have to go through estro why can't I go through Glendale estro has nothing to do with Glendale then Glendale will have nothing to do with estro lock in when you get a new house you go through estro to get a guaranteed title deed could you drag that last part pass me again guaranteed title deed guaranteed title deed guaranteed title deed guaranteed title deed guaranteed title deed guaranteed no rabbit it's no good what's that it'll never take the place a glaucomora experience is the best teacher the time not so long ago the characters to sisters hi Jimmy you can be glad I wasn't to stand in line for cigarettes. Oh, my poor feet. What did you get? Oh, these. Well, can't be choosers these days. We've certainly tried all the brands by this time, I guess. Well, it's taught me something. I like camels better than any of them. Me too. Yes, experience is the best teacher. The experience of smoking whatever brands they could get during the wartime cigarette shortage taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. Their T zones, that's T for taste and T for throat, tested cigarette after cigarette. And of all those cigarettes it was camels rich full flavor and cool mildness that registered most enjoyably again and again with millions of smokers. Today, when it's again possible to choose your brand More people smoke camels than ever before. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. You light up a camel here, skinny anus with Heart also strange be set in there Don't hang your fate on jealousy and hate Cause I was never born for the touch of a witch's thong So please be gentle to my heart Do you take my arms to not understand you Remember this, if you really want my kiss Be sweet and gentle, lest we part Remember be gentle to my heart Be sweet and gentle I'll tell you, if you'll tell me where I can get lumber in California I think I'm gonna put a pinball machine in the living room, a card table, slot machine pool table in the other room Are you idiot? What about chairs, stoves and beds? Habit, all I can afford is the necessities The luxuries will have to come later Well, Castella, now that my wife has okayed you at the bank for a loan The first thing to do is go out and buy a lot A lot of nothing, just a lot If I'm gonna buy a lot, it's gotta be a lot of something I ain't spending my money for nothing Listen, you don't get nothing, you get a lot You take your money and buy a lot Buy a lot of what? Look, you idiot, when I say you buy a lot I'm talking about a lot you buy when you buy a lot Oh, when you say you buy a lot You're talking about a lot you buy when you buy a lot Now you've got it Now I've got it, I don't even know what I'm talking about A little lot for a lot, or you can get a lot for a little Make up your mind, do I get a lot or a little? Well, I think you ought to start off with a little lot Then later on you can get a lot more lot For quite a lot more Or you can get another little lot for quite a lot less Oh, you think I ought to start with a little lot And later on I could get a lot more lot for quite a lot more And a little lot for quite a lot less Now you've got the picture Now I've got the picture Where are you going? I'm going in the dark room and trying The division out in the valley And we can take a look at lots and lots of lots Come on, let's go Okay, let's go Here's a new subdivision And here comes the real estate salesman Good afternoon gentlemen, I'm a very busy man Busy busy busy, just sign your name on the dotted line The place is yours What place? Well, well, honeymoon must be over Customers are asking questions again I only spend 30 seconds on my 60-second workout I get five o'clock shadow at 3.30 On my third birthday I was six years old My favorite songs are Rainy Night in Kokamanga That's a rainy night in Rio I know, but I haven't got time to take the trip I'm a very busy man Now there's a beautiful lot on the hillside It's kind of slopey, but I'll let you have it for $3,000 Well, now, wait a minute Don't you think that's a pretty steep price? Yes, but it's a pretty steep lot Yes, sir, I'm a very busy man Now some of these lots are a lot more than other lots I can give you a little lot for a lot or a big lot for a little A little lot for a lot or a big lot for a little? Make up your mind, I'm a busy man You want to start with a little lot and get a lot more lot for a lot less later? Come on, I'm a busy man This guy ain't too busy to steal our routine All right This lot has a pretty good view Yes, from here I can watch for the day The 7th of May Yes, it has a wonderful view of all the movies in Rio On your right is Paramount Hidden by the Santa Monica Mountains On your left is Republic Hidden by the San Fernando Mountains And straight ahead is Warner Brothers Hidden by Sydney Green Street Mr. My friend Castello needs a small lot in which to build a house Now how much will it cost? Well, being its Castello, I'll let him have it for a song Oh, you'll let me have it for a song? Yes You got a deal My what? Keep quiet I'm a busy, busy, busy man Mr. $2,900 $2,900 for this crummy piece of ground This guy must think I'm a veteran Look here, you tin horn swindler Don't try to rob my pal Castello $2,900 for this gopher's playground Yeah, Mr. Abbott, there's 10% in it for you If I can unload this on Castello Well, why don't you say so? 10% Uh, Castello This lot isn't worth $2,900 No It's worth $3,900 You see, Mr. My pal of it is Wait a minute Just a minute A minute ago, Abbott, you said this was a gopher's playground Them gophers must be wearing mink coats How much ground do I get for the $3,900? Come, I'll show you We'll walk all around you a lot Yes, sir Walk back, and we take a shortcut Hey, just a minute How do we get into town from here? Your property is just a stone throw from the railroad station Where's the railroad station? As soon as you throw enough stones, we're going to build one We're going to town and see a contractor so you can start building right away Castello, there's the contractor's office across the street Yes, can he? Hey, Castello just bought a lot near the river And he's going to build a house on it Well, I had a lot once on a river, and we're looking at the bank And how did you? I lost it How did you lose it? We're overlooking the bank Come on, Castello We've got to get over to the contractor's office Well, if it isn't Mr. Abbott And my cousin putched a tune tent Those smooth white pillars That broad verandah I know just what you mean I used to feel the same way about a blonde in Paterson, New Jersey Producers of the Sea of Grass For camel fans everywhere, Maryland puts this question to music Gonna kiss you Gonna kiss you That's tea for taste and tea for throat Sea of camel's rich flavor of choice tobaccos and camel's cool mildness Don't suit your tea zone to a tea Then you'll understand why so many doctors smoke camels Three leading independent research organizations recently asked this question Of 113,597 doctors What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was camel According to a recent nationwide survey More doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette This is the contractor's office Oh, how do you... 14 said to Louis the 15 Your neck Oh, pardon me a second, I'll answer the phone Hello? You just built a house in Brooklyn And you want to move it to California? I'll have to check our rates and call you back Mr. DeRosha I would like to talk over some plans with you Out the window Another fellow came in and wanted a two room house I kicked him down the elevator shaft There's too much trouble I'd like to have you build me a house Build you a house? Yes, sir I had a nerve to stand there and ask me to build you a house When this city is suffering from a shortage of bowling The conditions are pretty crowded in Hollywood Crowded? Yes, it's so crowded in Hollywood That John's other wife is living with one man's family The other bullfrog Let's hop to it Well, that wouldn't be bad Where is the glass blower? Oh, I had to fire him He was blowing some bungalows and he got the hiccups Before I could stop him, he made 300 quants at heart Are you building any houses for GIs? Oh, yes, GIs are in here every day They run around saying, gee, I wish I had a bungalow What would it cost to build a house for Costello? Well, let me see now Lumber $6,000, cement $3,000, nails $2,000 And $15,000 for the master plumber Do I really need that master plumber? Well, certainly Who else but a master plumber could put the cold water knob On the hot water faucet $6,000 here Just sign the contract I'll get you a pen Thanks, thanks I have my own pen It's the latest thing It's an Italian pen Italian pen? Yes, it has a meatball point and writes under spaghetti Your signature Have you got a co-signer that will guarantee the payment? Co-signer? I haven't got any co-signer No co-signer? Mm-hmm Without a co-signer, I wouldn't build a house For the king of Zion Mr. Costello, I've got to get a house Please be my co-signer You've got to be my co-signer I can't do it And quit following me around on that white elephant Who is that? Huh? Who is that? The king of Zion We've got to get a co-signer Oh, hello, Mr. Abbott Hello, Lewis, honey Hello, Marilyn Hello, Marilyn Costello's thinking of building a new home Yes, Marilyn After the house was built, maybe we could get married And keep house together Well, would you be a thoughtful husband? Would you wipe the dishes with me? Marilyn, I wouldn't wipe the dishes with you I'd buy a dish rag Marilyn, if I marry you Will you let me be the boss and run things? Oh, I'd let you run everything The washing machine, the vacuum And all the errands, goodbye Gee, Abbott, she's a lovely girl She's the kind of girl I'd like to take home to my mother If I could only trust my father Here to Mrs. Wetwash's house And see if she will be a co-signer for your new house Hi, hello, Mr. Abbott My goodness, I wonder who left that empty beer barrel On my front porch Oh, pardon me, it's Costello I wish you hadn't said that, Mrs. Wetwash I was just telling Abbott How you have that 1947 look Oh, thank you Oh, do you really think I have that 1947 look? Yes, you act like 19 and you're really 47 You pudgy, pin-headed pipsqueak Why, just look at this picture of me in my bathing suit It was taken just after I came out of the water How many days have you been in the water? Mrs. Wetwash Costello wants to build a new house and he hasn't enough money Would you be a co-signer? Why should I go-signer? If he wants somebody to go-signer, why doesn't he go-signer himself? Mrs. Wetwash, when Abbott says co-signer He doesn't mean go-signer like you go to sign a thing When you go to sign it, he means co-signer Like when you've got a lot of money, you're a co-signer Oh, you mean co-signer like when you have a lot of money, you're a co-signer Now you've got it Now I've got it, I don't even know what I'm talking about There's some old number in my backyard And you can build a little shack to live in until your house is built Come on I'm bored so hard No nails Look, you see that board on the roof? Yes The one that's sticking out? Yes Well, get the saw and see if you can saw the board you see Okay What did you say? All I said was look for the saw and see if you can saw that board, see? See if I can saw the board Yes, can't you saw the board? Certainly I can saw the board Well, then go up on the roof and saw it Why should I go up on the roof and saw it when I can saw it from down here? You can't saw it from down here Wait a minute, Abbott Can you see the board from down here? Certainly Well, I can see it from down here too I know you can see it I want you to go up on the roof and saw it Look at it, I saw it up I don't want to see it again I didn't ask you to see it, I asked you to saw it Do you want me to see it or saw it? Hell no Look, you've got to see it, the saw it Get me off this seesaw and get a prefabricated house Say now, that's a good idea You come on over tomorrow afternoon and we'll have a housewarming Okay, Castel, I'll see you tomorrow Not if I saw you first Come on in and take a look at my new prefabricated house I just finished putting it up Look, Abbott, I've even got a beautiful fire going in a fireplace Pretty, isn't it? Hey, this is a funny looking house Only one room, bare walls Where did you get all that wood you were burning in the fireplace? The company was very, very nice to me They sent it along with the house Wait a minute Let me see those plans Yes I thought so You idiot You burned the house and you're living in the packing case The makers of camel cigarettes sent a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas Now free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead This week the camels go to Veterans Hospital Coatesville, Pennsylvania U.S. Army McCorneck General Hospital Pasadena, California U.S. Naval Hospital Pensacola, Florida U.S. Marine Hospital Kirkwood, Missouri and Veterans Hospital Newington, Connecticut Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week Our rebroadcaster practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America And now back to Bud Abbott and Luke Costello Well, Costelli, you've done it again Now you have no house Where are you going to live? Well, I could go and live with my uncle Artie Stebbins But I don't want to Where does your uncle Artie live? In a big 500-room house overlooking a bay Why? I'd call that a castle Everybody else calls it Alcatraz Good night, folks Good night, everybody Be sure to tune in next Thursday night to Abbot and Costello when they celebrate the first day of May There will be a big festival at Mrs. Wetwasher's home and Costello has his fortune told Costello is a sucker for seers Tune in next week and listen to this seersucker A man who smokes a pipe has pipe appeal So the lady say and the tobacco that has pipe appeal is Prince Albert has millions of pipe smokers know Prince Albert's choice tobacco with its rich, full flavor and cool mildness has made it America's favorite pipe tobacco Prince Albert is specially treated to ensure against tongue bite Creme cut to smoke slow and cool For real smoking comfort, try Prince Albert Another American favorite Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry Saturday night on NBC Red Foley sings the American folk songs you know and love And if you don't already know and love Minnie Pearl and the other laugh makers on Grand Ole Opry You will have to hear Grand Ole Opry on NBC Saturday night Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbot and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes And remember, experience is the best teacher Try a Camel Let your own experience tell you why more people Are smoking camels than ever before C.A. We're wishing you all a pleasant good night for And listen to Abbot and Costello one hour earlier Starting next Thursday Stay tuned now for the Anycatter show