 How can narcissists do what they do? How can they abuse you? How can they not feel your pain? Narcissists are self-absorbed. They are preoccupied with their own feelings, interests, and situation. They are too self-absorbed to listen to you or to take the time to understand how you feel. They're so involved with themselves that they do not think about anyone else. But even if they did, it wouldn't make a difference. Because they lack empathy, they cannot put themselves in your shoes. They cannot share your experiences, which is why they may often seem insensitive when caring. They lack the ability to understand what constitutes an appropriate reaction. You will know when you are dealing with someone who lacks empathy. They are highly critical of other people. They struggle to control their own emotions. They are unaware of other people's feelings. They overreact. They can't admit when they're wrong. They behave inappropriately. They behave insensitively. They can't be happy for other people. They have difficulty maintaining relationships. So while you may not be able to hurt someone intentionally, or make a mistake and then later regret it, the narcissist has no limits. They're self-absorbed and they lack empathy. There's nothing limiting or regulating their behavior. There's nothing keeping them in check. There's nothing stopping them from doing what they do. And because they lack empathy, it's so easy for them to deny their actions. It's so easy for them to justify abuse. Narcissists always find a way to justify what they do. They plant these ideas in people's minds. They make people accept their behavior. They make people believe that it's okay. Sometimes it can almost seem like they're completely detached from reality. As though there's no logical sense in their minds. When they deny something, it's like they really believe it. When they justify something, it's like they really think it's okay. But they're not clinically insane. They are able to distinguish fantasy from reality when it comes to their own motivations and goals. They can be very rational. They can be logical and reasonable. As long as it's something that suits their agenda. Then they can be quite sophisticated. They can be strategic. They can plan things out. Which is not something that a crazy person would be able to accomplish. So they do have some level of awareness. They do know what's going on. But they choose to not deal with the truth. They choose to deny anything that goes against their agenda. Or anything that invalidates their false self. Which is why you will notice that whenever there's a discussion about the past where there was a conflict or dispute they rewrite it in a way that suits them in a way that supports their false narrative. They rewrite it in a way that validates their false self. They can change it into anything they want it to be. Because to them it's just a story, it's just a memory. So they can mold it into something that benefits them in the present moment. You may not notice this straight away because of course there has to be memories first. But if you are around the narcissist long enough this will happen. And it will then make you question all of the stories about real or imagined events before they had met you. They will believe anything that is convenient for them. And whatever is convenient for them is what they will try to get other people to believe. Anything that suits their agenda. The truth doesn't matter. All that matters is what people believe. And they will do anything to make people believe their stories. They will even lie to themselves. They will do anything to hide the truth. They will turn people against anyone who knows the truth. But there's always a line that they don't cross. Because they believe that there's a line between what is good and what is bad. And there is this thing that they do not do because that is what would make them a bad person. But they control this line. They determine who is on which side of it. They decide which side of it they are on. And they can move it around whenever they like. But there is always a line. There's always something they tell themselves that they don't do. Which makes them different and better than other abusers. So then in their minds that makes it okay. There's always something telling them that they can keep doing it. There's always something that enables their behaviour to continue. And it's often other people. People enable the narcissist behaviour. They tell them that they're good. They say that they're not abusive. But those people have been manipulated by the narcissist. Their disorder has been designed to coordinate the elements of a situation to make it appear as though they're never doing anything wrong. Especially when they are doing something wrong. Even when they're in a situation where they cannot deny it. There has to be something they can use to tell themselves they're not doing anything wrong. They have to have a way to justify their behaviour. They tell themselves they're not intending to do anything wrong. They're not doing it because they're bitter, envious or resentful. They're just doing it because they're worried. Or because they're affected by it in some way. So they have to have an interest in it. They have to involve themselves as though they have a duty or responsibility to respond to it. Even though they never respond to the situation in a mature and responsible way. They never do what needs to be done. But that is why they create the illusion. It's so they can tell themselves that they're not doing anything wrong. So they can keep doing what they're doing. Wherever they go, they leave a trail of destruction where people's lives are ruined. Although the narcissist always finds a way to blame people for their own abuse. Or they will blame it on someone else. But they never look at themselves. And question if they could be to blame. And that's how they're able to continue with their behaviour. Because they never look at themselves long enough. To realise that they need to stop when it comes to faults or wrongdoing. Their focus is always on someone else. So after a certain amount of time. And when all of the problems and difficulties begin to mount up. You come to the conclusion that this is never going to stop. It's going to keep happening until you're dead. Because the narcissist doesn't acknowledge it. They're not even going to entertain the idea. They will only turn it on you. And say that it's because of things that your mental have done. They will say that it has nothing to do with them. But whatever the narcissist is most resistant to. Whatever they're most offended by. Is what they know they are guilty of. But they don't see it in themselves. They disown those parts of them and see them in other people. And that's how they manage to blame everyone else. But whatever they're constantly talking about. Is actually what bothers them about themselves. It's just that they attribute it to everyone else. Because they don't want to deal with it. They don't want to deal with their unhealed parts. But this does not mean that they have a conscience. They are self-absorbed and they lack empathy. Their feelings are only for themselves. And anything they do. They just attribute it to you. When you are not the one who is causing the problem. So no matter what you do. There's nothing you can do to resolve it. Which means that it's destined to continue indefinitely. Because you're locked into a situation. Where they always want you to fix something. Which they use as an excuse for their behavior. Which they say is the reason why there's so much drama and chaos. They do whatever they can to make you feel like there's something wrong with you. As though you need to change something to make it go away. But when you look closely at their behavior. You should realize that no matter what you do. Their behavior is going to continue. They make you believe that there's all of these problems. But at some point. You should realize that there's actually no problem at all. Because they're actually quite comfortable in a dysfunctional environment. It allows them to thrive. It allows them to get their needs met. So why would they ever want it to change? If you could create what they say is that ideal environment. Where there are no problems. That is when you would see the real problem. That is when all hell will break loose. Because they need to have something to blame for their behavior. And if there isn't anything. They would just create problems out of nothing. Because there has to be something wrong. There has to be a reason for why they're doing what they're doing. There has to be a reason why they're so out of control. And if you can't give them a reason. They will create one on their own. They are never going to change. The only thing that has a potential to change in this environment. Is you. Remind yourself that it's not personal. They never even took the time to get to know you. Everything they think they know about you. Is just a projection of themselves. They project their unhealed parts onto you. But now that you are aware of it. You do not have to identify with that anymore. When they criticize you or put you down. Remind yourself that they lack empathy. So anything they say about you. Really has nothing to do with you anyway. It's about them. Stop thinking that they can change. Stop thinking that you can get them to understand. Stop expecting things to be different. Practice radical acceptance. Realize that the situation is out of your control. Establish boundaries. Limit the time you spend around them. Or go no contact. They're only going to invalidate you. They're only going to make you think you're losing your mind. Seek validation elsewhere. Find people who do understand you. Focus on doing things that you enjoy. Do things that you are passionate about. The narcissist may always be this way. And that may be out of your control. But one thing you can control. Is the meaning you choose to give to this situation. You can either see it as an opportunity. Or as an obstacle. It can either be something that leads you to where you need to be. Or it can be something that holds you back. It all depends on how you choose to see it. It all depends on the meaning you give to it. You may not be responsible for what happened to you. But you are responsible for what you do now. Take back your power. And live the life that you deserve to live. Thank you for watching. I hope this video resonates with you. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. If you would like to donate, my PayPal link is in the video description. Coaching inquiries. You can email me at coaching.narc-survivor.co.uk Thank you for watching and I'll talk to you soon.