 Felly mae'n gweithio mwy yn allan cymdeithasol mewn ni yn ddweud i'w gwneud hynny yma yw'r gwestol fod yn ddau ac yn ddiddos i wneud ddweud a'r ddweud o gyfnoddau a'r ddweud o gwneud o gweithio'r ddweud a mae yna'n fwy fwy yw'r ddweud am y pwg cymdeithasol yn ychydig. Mae'r gwaith yn ei ffyrdd o'r ddod lle maen nhw'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio. Felly mae'n meddwl. Felly gennym ni'n gweithio, I'm not even sure. I hate just being about the past. Sorry! He was very good at hiding there at the beginning and I remember there was times where I'd, like, to get into my house I'd go around to the back door because my mum would always leave the back door open for me and I must have been about 12, 13 at this time. And I'd go round and I'd see him literally injecting in the living room with his friends and I'd run upstairs and I'd be like, ac roedd ydw yn y ddechrau. Mae'r ysgaf Ynwys yn dweud, mae'n dweud yn y dweud? A dyna'n wych chi'n gwybod! Ac rwyf yn ein oed yn 30 ac rwy'r drws dweud o'u brofi yw a roedd y dweud yn 30. Yr ystafell, yn ychydig. Na'r amwy interfeydd. Felly, yn meddwl yna yn y dweud ac oed yn dweud yn 30, rydyn ni'n mynd yn y dweud. Rydyn ni wedi bod yn cael eu fan, ac rwyf wedi bod yn y dweud, Ond iawn na rwy'n gweithio gyda'r llyn, a mae gynonwys mewn gwirio ti'n d braces a ddiolch yn bwyd ddechrau ac rwy'n ddechrau'n gweithio ac mae'n ddiolch yn y gran yta i ddweud yn y yan o'r llyn Ac fe ychydig, mae gyda'r armoed wrth strengthenum, ac mae'n wneud ar yr wych ac rwy'n dweud yn gweithio精wyddiol. mae'n dwi'n meddwl i chi ddweud Abernol, mae'n meddwl i chi miso. Rydyn ni i'n meddwl ei ddweud i'r llyn. felly nid i ddweud o'r gwaith, mae gennym ni'n gwybod o'r rhan. Ond ydych chi'n gwybod i ddweud o'r rhan. Mae byddwn ni wedi'n gwybod i'r bach sy'n gyntaf, felly mae'r mynd i fynd i'r bach sy'n gwybod i'r rhan. Yn oed i'r clywed o'r gwaith. Ac mae… Gydw i'n dweud fel ychwanegwr. Mae'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'r gwaith, ac mae'n gweithio i'r gweithio i'r gwaith. Tych. Ddweud. Ddweud. Ddweud. Dwy'n cherd hosts, ond dynt yn i gwybod y peth oherwydd cynnydd â'r ysbryd. Diolch i'n credu. Stryd ni'n gwneud i'r bwc yma. Rhyw o'r Peth. Rhyw o'r Suburr yn ei anodol yma. Mae'n gweithio'r cyffan Ynmysgr Chirngoddiol. Rhyw o'i riff gen i'w peth yma. Rhyw pethau'r cerdaldau fel y mae anodol. Mae'n gwneud oherwydd am ykgorol hefyd. Rhyw o'r cerdaldau Lleticia Grace. Rydyn nhw'n rhaid i'r gwmeistau pleid. Ac ydydd eich bwysig yn gallu i gael i gael i ddim i gael i gael ti gweithio. Pen dw i dinheiro. Efo'r t mun i ddweud ddim yn dyfodol, mae'n rhoi wedi gwneud, mae yna'r gael? Efo'r gael i gyllid ymryd, mae'n ddigwyd yn y Llywodraeth. Yn amser maeth eu gwylio, mwyaf ar gyfer hyn er mwyn, lle rai gwaith rydw i ddim yn gyf,, mae'n gallu'n dod oedd yn meddwl sydd ei gyd, yw wedi cael cael ei gwybol o'r newid. Er wneud am 5 chi, eu gwneud agor, a mae gilydd ystod yn gweithio i chi, ac efallai'n rhai'n cymdeithas. Nid oedd. Doedd yn lle! Mae hwnna'ch cyfnale! Mae'n meddwl i ymddangos lle. Mae eich grwp hynny, mae'na'r clwn ffasgau. Mae yma gofod y cwyl yn llain, dwi fyddech chi'n bobl yn ddod ystod ar gyfer, mae'n meddwl fydd rydyn ni'n ei ystyried ar ddwyfodan? Do you know what? Like, I feel like... Cos I had so much going on in my home life. I struggled in school, like I felt like that was the only place I could get attention. So I feel like I was naughty, because one, I wanted to make everyone laugh. And two, I feel like I got more attention when I was naughty, if that made sense? Cos I wasn't getting attention at home. Cos I asked myself this all the time. I always think like, why was I like that in school? Oes dwi'n meddwl, nid dwi rŵn nhw i'n meddwl, oner ardal ddim, oner nid oes y gwasanaeth. Fy wnaeth y gallwch yn meddwl ddim hu'n meddwl, felly mae'r clwain clwr nesaf, rydw i'n meddwl mae'n allun â'r ystod i'n gwein, yn ystod i'n meddwl, mae'n meddwl yn y gwaith, mae dwi'n meddwl i'n meddwl o'r maen i'r ysgrifennu, felly dwi'n meddwl bod i'n meddwl o'r clwain clwr nesaf. Mae'n meddwl fray eu bod yn ymlaeth. Be gweithio gweithio arna. I can sit with any calibre a person and fit right in. I'll adapt like many faces for different...different faces for different places. That's just the way I was, I can just in myself will be like that. Why will you not get in the love at home? Is it your mum struggling or...? I mean yeah like obviously you've read the book and stuff and I don't know... my whole childhood from what I can remember just wasn't good. Do you know what I mean? I don't know why. I've never fucksake. I don't even know why I'm butchai. I hate you speaking about the past, sorry. It's okay. Take your time. Can we cut that bit out because that's embarrassing. Take your time. I hate crying. Can you speak about the past much? No. To try and block it out. Yeah. But you've got to understand how far you've come in life. So you're as much as the past is brutal and painful. It also makes you who you are stronger, more wiser. More wiser. Probably it's, the pain in the past is a beautiful thing. A lot of people, it can destroy a lot of people, but it can kick a lot of people on. 100% and I say this all the time because, sorry, let me just get myself together. Fuck, I feel emotional. It's the time of the month as well. I say this all the time because my brother, I don't know if you know, he's a big rugby player now, and we obviously grew up together. I'm four years older than him, so I've always felt like I've mothered him. He's been through the same things as me, but because he was younger he doesn't really remember much. I always say we wouldn't be where we are today if we didn't go where we went through. So as much as it's bitter, it's sweet as well because if I didn't go through all that shit, I don't feel like I'd be where I am right now. Do you know what I mean? Of course, man. I always say that shit, but the only reason you find your light is going through the darkness in life. Now we've all gone through shit in life. Every single person goes through it. Some people it breaks, some people it makes them go, I ain't going to live that life. I ain't going to give my kids that life. So it is different. Everybody sees the world differently. Everybody handles heartbreak differently. Everybody handles abuse differently, getting expelled from school differently, addictions differently. Some people come out it. The blessed ones come out it. I feel blessed to come out my misery and darkness, but I still battle, including yourself. You can still see the emotion even probably leading up to this interview. You probably knew the emotion, but it's good to clear the air also. It's good to go, you know what? Fuck it. That's my chapter. It's done. I'm going to create the new one. Your brother, congratulations. I've seen that you signed a new contract as well, so shout out to your brother. But you've clearly got stardom in your family where people, like your brother, they've probably seen you going through a lot of madness and suicidal thoughts and darkness in your life, but you kicked on, you made the changes and that's what it's all about. So when you're going through, like your mum and your dad, because in the book it's called Living with the Devil, one of the chapters with your stepdad, who you thought was a loving man, but then turned to drinks, violence, abuse, what age were you when you started realising that something wasn't right? I think when my mum met him, I must have been 10, I think around 10, and obviously she brought him around us and I was just like, because I didn't have my dad growing up, I was so happy. I was like, oh my God, I was like, he was so nice, he took us to the shop, he bought us sweets and he was like, he was a lovely man, I got to give it to him, he was amazing and I thought, oh, I finally got a dad, do you know what I mean? That's how I felt. Oh, I don't want to cry, I'm sick of crying. And yeah, and then we lived together for a bit and then we moved and then my mum got married very fast. I would say it was less than a year, a couple of months and I feel like that's when I started to see a change, like he started going out with his mates a lot and then I think he just fell into the wrong crowd and ended up doing the wrong things. Drugs heroin, heroin, crack. I think it was heroin, yeah, well it was heroin, it wasn't crack. Was it in the book as well? Who was the family member that was in the car while they were smoking crack? So basically my auntie had a boyfriend at the time and he was heavy on heroin and then my stepfather started hanging around with him and then for some reason he fell into that as well. So yeah. But drugs do change people and it is difficult to see some. Yeah, it's crazy, like he went from like the nicest man, like my saviour to the devil, like it's absolutely mental what like hard drugs can do to you. There's a no telltale signs rate at the start for your mum, did your mum notice that? I think my mum noticed but I think she kind of turned a blind eye but like he was very good at hiding near the beginning and I remember there was times where I'd like to get into my house I'd go round to the back door because my mum would always leave the back door open for me and I must have been about 12, 13 at this time and I'd go round and I'd see him literally injecting in the living room and with his friends and like ran upstairs I'd be like mum, mum he's doing drugs, he's doing drugs and she'd be like shut up and stop chatting shit like he's not doing drugs. So I think like she, I don't know, I think she was kind of oblivious to it at the start but I knew. I didn't really know much about drugs, do you know what I mean? In denial though, your mum probably in denial. Yeah, in denial. Go on track to cover. Because she loved him. Yeah, of course. Love this powerful thing. Yeah and she thought like he was the one, she got married to him, like he was good to her kids so yeah I think she was definitely in denial at the beginning. Because your mum fell pregnant twice in a space I just. Oh yeah and I remember the first time she got pregnant I was happy and then the second time I got pregnant obviously he was on the drugs and everything then and I was just like, I remember just crying my eyes out, I was just like no, I was like what, like why are you doing this? And she, she wasn't expecting that from me, do you know what I mean? But yeah, she got pregnant literally, well there's a year between them so it was pretty much straight away. How old were you? I was about, when she first got pregnant with her first kid with him I was 12 and then I think I was 13 on the next kid, my next brother or sister. So it was, I don't want to say their names. But crucial years for any kid to see that shit now, any sort of trauma and there's like I think 67% of childhood trauma has a bigger effect to then have addictions when you're older because we don't know how to deal with trauma, we don't know how to deal with pain especially at a young age, like your mum and dad then, feripus, they don't know how to speak out. So you've done it through being a class clown, being a daft ass. Do you know what I mean to hide the pain and drinking on the weekends? What days did you start drinking? I started drinking at 13 and I think I took my first drug as well at 13 and I was clubbing at 13. Like that's crazy, like I've got a daughter now. If I found out she was drinking and doing drugs and going clubbing at 13, I'd lose it, I would never allow that happen. Beautiful daughter by the way, winter. Oh yeah, she'd be full and she'd, yeah. And she's five, nearly six. And it's just, oh God, it's crazy to think like in another six years she'd be doing drugs and stuff. But that's my aim, do you know what I mean, to just give her the best childhood she could ever imagine? Like she, I give her so much love. Like I must tell her about 40 times a day I love her. And I think that's important. Yeah, definitely. What is the job that starts coming out your life? So the one we're speaking about, the heroin guy, he was my second stepdad. So I had a stepdad before that who is my sister's father and we lived with him. I think I was about four, four till six, something like that. And he was an absolute twat as well, to be honest. I don't even know what to say about it. He just like, he just treated me and my brother terrible if I'm honest with you. Like my sister would have like, she was like the princess, she'd have the like the maze in room and then me and my brother would share a box room. Wasn't decorated, nothing. Literally just had the bare minimum in that room. And we'd just be in that room for like, it was like we wasn't a part of the family. So my mum and my sister and her partner, they'd all eat on a table and then I can feel like this is therapy. So yeah, like we were, me and my brother were just treated so differently. Like they'd eat on the table, we'd eat out in the hallway on the stairs. Like it was just crazy. How old were you then? Six, I think. And my brother was like, I'm four years older than him. So he was like two, he was young. He doesn't remember much of it, but obviously as a six year old, you're going to remember things like that. And I remember he was just such a horrible man. I remember little things like, do you know your memory? Like it blocks the bad things out, doesn't it? I remember things like he'd put us in the car seat and I'd pinch us and he'd pinch my brother and I'd see like he was just horrible to us. Like I hate him. Yeah, he's a horrible bastard, man. That's abuse at his highest level. Not just physical, but mental. Mental abuse is worse to feel like an outcast, to feel like an outsider, to feel like you're not good enough, to not feel like you're loved. And that's how when people go through their teenage years, they get addictions, they crave the boyfriends, sexual partners, because then you get that tension with being basically a jackass at school to get feeling good and feeling as if you were loved and important, but it's a little wrongs. It's not really the right kind of love. Same as all the criminals I interviewed. Every single one is the abandonment issues there where they crave loving attention through fear and power. So people fear them. We don't love them. People want to be their friends because they're scared of them. There's a difference. And it's difficult, like no matter what you're doing life, no matter how far you go on that, the pen of the past is always going to be there. No matter how successful you come, no matter how big a show you can get, or hit a best-selling book, no matter what the fuck it is, we spoke earlier that when you go home and you shut the curtains, are you really happy then? That's when the fucking demons really kick in. Like we can just even sit in here. It's to put the masks on as well. We're still scared that what do people think, what they're going to do, how they're going to judge us. I'm so scared of what people think. But you know what, when I was younger, I didn't used to be. Like I used to think fuck everyone. I don't give a fuck. I'll do what I want. I'll act how I want. And I kind of missed that person. But I think like because I've been in the public eye now for over 10 years, I think it's been over 10 years. Like I think when I first went on to the valleys, I was 18 years old. That's so young. Do you know what I mean? So like I constantly had people like picking on my appearance on the way I looked and the way I acted. And then you think, shit, am I ugly? Am I not a nice person? Do you know what I mean? So you kind of like, you're always like wary now. I feel like I'm wary of how to act and shit like that. Obviously I'm myself, but I don't feel like I'm my full self anymore because of all the trolling I've had and stuff. Of course, but you become sensitive now to people who say, fuck everyone is the ones who are really hurting the most because we are so sensitive. Once you become sensitive towards life and understand it a bit more, remember you're still young. You're still learning the craft. You're still understanding it. Wait a minute, all that external shit that you chase isn't where you're going to find your completion. It's not where you're going to find your fulfilment because if you're broken, that was a part of me chase fame for a long time because you see people on magazines and TV and you think they look so happy. If I get that life, then it will be everything then you start getting it. You start realising it's fucking bullshit. Nothing changes up here. Nothing changes how you see the world because everything, and I always fucking repeat myself, but everything's within. You must dig deep within. Treat yourself right, speak better, act better. Changes can be made. It's to try and break the connections of the pain of the past. Now if you think about the past, if you think about those traumatic events, what happens is the brain releases a chemical to the pain you had felt that day. So the brain doesn't know which way it's fake. So even you're talking about that and fearing teary-eyed, that's because the brain's releasing the chemicals to actually that time that is taking you back 20 years ago, 25 years ago. The brain's a powerful thing. If you try and break the connections, so when you do think about the pain, the chemicals aren't there as much and that's difficult. That's how a lot of people work on their inner child, is to go back to that moment and change the mindset and trick the brain to fearing that you don't want to feel fear anymore and scared. It's fucking hard though. Life's mad. Life is mad. It's crazy. And it's mad like how things can just proper like fuck you up in the future. Do you know what I mean? That's why with my daughter, like I just, I'm so careful with her and make sure she never sees me arguing. Like I just want her to have the happiest childhood ever. I never want her to grow up with that burden. Do you know what I mean? Of like a bad childhood. You can clearly see that the pain is still there, the trauma is still there, but you've got to give yourself credits to still being here. I know. Do you know what I mean? It's easy to have take the easy way out, which it's not even an easy way out because I know you've been so aside like a couple of times you've tried to take your own life. How old were you? I think the first time I must have been 12 or 13, I think. I think I done that in my house with a school at high or something like that. And then the one I remember the most was when I was like 14, I think. I think I was out drinking with my friends. And like when I say drinking, I mean drinking. I would go to the, I'd stand outside the shop. I'd wait for like someone like older to go in and they get me like a litre of vodka and I'd down it. And I mean like go, go, go, go, go, go. Like I can't drink for shits now, but back then I just, I just didn't care. I just, I just drunk to just block everything out. And I remember we're all drinking on the streets and we were going, we were like in and out the lanes and stuff. And I was just like, I was like, I don't want to be here anymore. And I remember just like, I hate crying. I'm sick of crying. And it meant that I'd run down the lane and everyone's trying to like find me or whatever. And it sounds so pathetic now when I think about it, but there was like a bin bag like in one of the lanes and the back by the, by the, by a bin obviously. And I got the bin bag. It was like an empty one. And I wrapped it around my neck and I was literally squeezing, squeezing so tight and I was thinking, I don't, I don't even want to be here anymore. I was like, I hate crying. Sorry. That's okay man, take your time. But it gets funny. Cos it's actually like, you wouldn't believe this. So I was like, literally squeezing myself like this. And then all of a sudden, I just could smell something disgusting. I was like, what the fuck is that? And I looked in the fucking bin bag and there was like a dead kitten in that bin bag. So like, what's the chances of that? And I feel like that dead kitten like see in my life. My friends always joke about it now, but it's just mad. Like what's the chances of that? You try killing yourself with a bin bag and there's a fucking dead kitten in it. Did you get any help after that? No. Did you tell anyone? My friends, yeah. What about your mum? No. How was your relationship with your mum? Did you feel as if you were abandoned by hard as well? Sorry, I just don't want to cry on this. Do you know like my relationship with my mum growing up? I wouldn't even say it's like a like a mother and daughter relationship. So I want to get myself together cos I don't want to be crying for this whole fucking thing. That's okay man. Oh, yeah. Like with my mum, I don't feel like we've ever had like a mother and daughter relationship. Like I'd look at my friends and their mums and stuff and they'd be like showing them affection, kissing them, like telling them that they love them and stuff. But... Were you envious of your friends then? No, I wasn't envious. But I've just, I'm just trying to say like I've never had that relationship with my mum. Like only now I say we've got a good relationship but I feel like growing up, I can't ever remember getting hugs off my mum. I can't remember telling me she loves me, which is mad. Is your mum, did she battle her own demons? Did she go through a lot of shit when she was younger also? Yeah. You tend to see that kind of as a connection. 100%. And now I understand more. But like when I was younger I used to think why didn't she love me? But now I've got older, like we've had conversations and stuff. I completely get why she was the way she is. I feel like when things happen to you, you even go one way or the other, you either become a really amazing loving mother, which I feel like I've done. Or you become very distant and just you kind of, you kind of do the same thing to your child which was done to you kind of thing. So I feel like my mum went that way. And I don't blame her for it because what she's been through and stuff is horrendous. When did you have that discussion with her? God, this was like fighting a few years ago, four or five years ago and she was drunk and we had a conversation and she was like, she just basically said like I'm sorry for the way I was to you. And it's because of X, Y and Z and I was like it's fine. But it was good in a sense like hearing that you know what I mean? Because I always thought like why doesn't she treat me like a proper mum? But like I said, I can't blame her. You can understand then why she was distant cold hearted. But cold hearted is the word for her. She's very cold. Yeah. So people who are cold have been through some shit in their life. Like people don't see it but everybody's got and it's difficult when somebody's cold hearted they don't tell you anything. So for you even going forward and saying like this happened to me as a kid they don't want to hear it. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to understand because they've been through the pain. It's difficult man like everybody's on their own process. Everybody's dealing with their own shit in life. 100%. And like they'll come at a time though when everything will make sense. Everything will go right with it. You'll need to let go of the past. I ain't a fucking fairy post. I'm only talking through experience and people who aren't of you but there comes a time when you're going to need to once you release it you'll feel a weight off your shoulders. You'll feel like a different animal. You'll feel like 100%. Okay it'll make sense. You'll probably at that stage of your life now. You're probably going to another chapter where you feel as if okay. The timing's now. Like speaking about this and going out to the masses and thinking how's people going to see it. You're going to be surprised how many people this is going to help also to understand what I'm learning. And this is why I wanted to do it because obviously my boyfriend he knows my story and we always watch you and he was like tish you need to go you need to do an interview with him. He was like because people just know you as Leticia Grace. They don't know like your back story. Like my book no one in this day and age really picks up a book and reads one today. But I did release that like in 2015 I think. Valleywood it's called? Valleywood yeah. But he was like you don't understand how many people you can help with your story. And I was like do you know what like you're right. Like if me doing this can help one person then I've done a good job. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But there comes a time when you've got to understand that life does go on. You can't let the past consume you. 100%. And let you eat, let you eat, let you eat. The past can't eat you away. Yeah. It's fucking horrible. Like it's a hard place to let go of now. As much as I can promote it and try and preach it I still think about the past. I still think I can't be asked getting out my bed today. But you need to force yourself. Happiness isn't a 24 seven thing. You don't just walk down the road skipping and loving life. You've got to really work on yourself try and eat the right things, exercise. Just doing stuff that makes you feel good. I always try and I don't try and promote alcohol or that but a lot of people seem to go down easy and drink. Yeah. Have a wine and a Wednesday night before you know it that one wine turns into a bottle every night and because people rely on it so much to take them away from the pain of the past and it is difficult. Your first relationship was 14? Yeah it was 14. The boy was 18. When I got with him yeah he was 18. So that's... That's still old as well that's fucking pedophilia basically. I know. Do you know what? Like it's mad. Like at the time I didn't think anything of it. I was just like I don't know I felt grown like I said I've been clubbing since 13 doing drugs and stuff. I just felt like I said I didn't think it was bad but now I look back on it if my daughter got with an 18 year old when she was 14 there'd be ructions like honestly that it just wouldn't happen. So it's kind of crazy to see it that way but yeah I felt like he was like my savior though in a way. Do you know because like I didn't have like a man figure in my life like I had obviously the devil. I just felt like like he kind of helped me at a time where I needed someone. So yeah that relationship was was crazy to be fair but Was that when you were craving attention? Yeah 100%. Yeah. Did it make you feel good though at the time? Yeah like he was a good boyfriend to be fair at the beginning. How long did that last? We were together for four years I think. I've finished no five years. I finished with him before I went on the valleys. That's a long time. Yeah so I was with him a long long time. Did you ever have that discussion that he was 18 and you were 14? No never you know. I didn't even think it was bad until like the like the other month no the other month actually I was speaking with someone about it and I was like shit I was 14 and he was 19 and I remember at the time as well my auntie was kicking off like because my mum told her that I was with an 18 year old and I remember thinking why is she going crazy? Like he's only four years older than me but it's actually like bad now when you think of it. That's fucked up to be honest. Yeah but um the relationship with him was just like I just feel like I was young. I feel like he was a lot older than me and I feel like when when we were together I just felt like it was like I was surprised because I was like young I wanted to live my best life and he was just like ready to like proper settle down do you know what I mean? So yeah I done drugs of him a lot as well. At 14? Yeah. That's fucked up man. And I mean like we'd be on benders for like four days no sleeping no like no eating just constant drugs because he was actually a drug dealer at the time as well. Was that a turn on for you? Was it a what? A turn on like the bad boy the streets and but for a fucking young kid man you shouldn't even know what that is. I know it's mad you know when I look back at it now I think how did I do that? It's crazy like we'd literally be in a house all my friends all his friends and literally just do drugs for four days straight. I felt like it was like I wouldn't say it was a turn on for me but I felt like it was an escape for me like I felt like I couldn't escape everything. What age did you get expelled from school? I think I was 16 it was in sixth form so I'd done in school and then I went to sixth form and they expelled me. Did you know why? Yeah yeah. Why but for the viewers told them why. It's pathetic. So there was like this like I said I was the daredevil in it I was just made everyone laugh and they were like oh go and do a striptease for the for one of the guys in the common room I was like all right so I went over and I'd done a striptease was taking my like tie off my shirt off and one of the headmasters walked in and I was in a catholic school now like we done mass every week every week it was like very strict and he walked in and he was like leticia and I was like and he was like gent my room now so I was like fuck so I went into the room and I remember my mum got called up and she was like what's wrong and I was like I don't know I don't know what's wrong and um they were just like were expelling her but it was a build-up of things it wasn't just that I think that was just the icing on the on the cake I feel like I was just obviously very rebellious I was cheeky and it's so bad now to look back at it like I would never want my child to be like that but like I said I feel like I just rebelled in school I don't know why I should have done the opposite but I didn't and I remember yeah I got expelled and my mum batted me the whole way home from school it took us about 20 minutes to walk back home she was like you fucking stupid bitch what are you going to do now she was like you need to go and get a job you're not laying on the sofa all day so I was like oh god so I didn't know what to do and I remember I applied to go to the army but I got rejected why I don't know they just rejected me can you imagine me in the army though yeah so then what I end up doing then I end up doing an apprenticeship I done a hair dress no sorry a beauty apprenticeship my mum was like to be fair to my mum she never she's never let us just like sit there not do anything like I've been working like since the age of 13 I remember I worked in a fishing chip shop and yeah I was just like serving chips and fishing stuff and I remember all the popular boys used to come I used to run out the back and they used to be like leticia you need to and I was like oh can't even speak I used to be like yeah yeah I'll be there now and I used to take my time because I used to be so shamed and I used to come home smelling of grease and I only used to get like 10 pound a shift I think but I've always been a grafter like I've always always had to work for my money because my mum didn't have any growing up do you know what I mean and all my friends their parents were all well off so they always had shit so the only way I could do it was by grafting I guess yeah when did the MTV Valleys come then when you were 18? how did that come about? yeah I was 18 oh such a weird story so I took my brother to have his haircut my friend had a salon in Potolba town it's like a really small town and I was there and they were like my friend was like oh tish someone's just been in you saying do we know anyone that'd be good on a Welsh reality TV show she was like everyone in the shop turned around and was like the t-shirt and I was like really and I was like oh that's mad so she gave me a leaflet no they all give my number and she gave me a leaflet and I was looking at it and it was like do you want to come become the next Welsh superstar or something like that and I was thinking oh that's right on my street and at the time I was working in an energy company I told everyone I was an accountant but I was just basically copying I was doing admin and I'd have to copy what's it called post goods onto a different sheet it was such a shit and boring job and I remember it was so weird before all this happened I always knew that I was going to be someone like even when I was younger like I used to dance in front of the TV and watch MTV and like I was obsessed with just dancing, singing, acting I loved it you know what I mean and I remember I was sitting in front of my desk and I was doing my job and I looked out the window I went this is not for me I was like I'm going to be famous and I remember telling myself that and it's crazy and I think a few weeks after I said that that happened so anyway they called me and I was in work and I went into the work toilet so they were like oh hi Yulia Tisha like so many people have given you a number blah blah blah and they were just like like what you like as a person I was like oh I'm fucking nuts I was like I love getting on it I was like I love going out clubbing I was like I've got a boyfriend but I was like I'm cheating him all the time like I was so bad I was a savage and I remember they were like right we love you can you come up tomorrow and I was like I was thinking fuck I've got 10 pound in my bank account and it was in Cardiff and that's like I think like 45 minutes from where I lived and I was thinking shit do I risk spending my last 10 pound to go into this interview like I might not even get it do you know what I mean by fall I was like yeah do you know what yeah I'll come I'll come so I remember putting on like a gold dress and I had like a fur coat on and I had like bleach blonde hair then it was disgusting you've probably seen if you've googled me and um did I say red lipstick I put red lipstick on anyway I drove up I filled my tank with my last 10 pounds and I went there and I remember they would keep me waiting for ages and I was like again so fucking pissed off I was like it was like in Cardiff and like this on the like strip where all the clubs are I was sitting at some bar with like a chaperone and I went and then they went oh we're ready for you so I was like okay cool so I walked over and it was like the head of MTV um the head of Trunof Productions who made the valleys and um two other people from from MTV I think and I walked in and I was like oh for fuck sake I was like why have you kept me so long I said my hair's gone so fucking frizzy and I sat down like that they just burst out laughing I was thinking what the hell they said from that moment they knew that I was the one that like I think they picked I think they interviewed like free if I was in people or something like that but I was one of the first interviews they were like she's got it like and it's mad like I miss that leticia like I just didn't give a fuck yeah but do you miss that leticia that's the that's the class clown leticia that's the one who who's done a lot of bad stuff to get the wrong attention now you're at that stage now you're making a transition where you're seeing the world do you know what I miss I miss not giving a fuck I miss but you did give a fuck that was just a barrier that was a mask yeah that was a mask then when that mask clips realised like how would you feel if your daughter was to act like that oh I did actually do you know what I mean yeah so yeah I feel like I am a completely different person now but I wouldn't mind a little bit of that leticia valley is a man that was zero fucks giving of course but there's always fucks giving yeah I always say I couldn't give a fuck but deep down always do I'm a sensitive bastard like I feel people's pains I'm an empath like I feel people's sensitivities and yeah and I see people and it hurts me to see people weak so when you people ask think who are strong like we spoke Helen you say or they look happy but is anybody really truly that happy no I don't think they are like I said to William I was like I just feel like people think oh you got money you got a nice life you're bound to be happy but there's so much more to it than that you know what I mean like I don't think I've met anyone that's like truly happy yeah I don't think I think it's an illusion that you can be happy for a short little short bursts at a time like after exercise or doing something good you've booked a holiday or you've got a new house that lasts for a couple of hours an hour and then it goes and then you start thinking about the past again like when I'm happy sometimes I don't feel as if I deserve to be happy and then I make myself fucking sad that it's fucked up like when you so when you go onto the valleys did you think okay my life's complete and that's me I've made it I'm going to feel happy I am it's mad like and at the time like it's so bad I was still with that guy you know the the one I got with when I was 14 but like our relationship was just it was it was rocky anyway do you know what I mean it was coming to an end but we kind of like was like do you know what we'll stick together and nah I didn't think I completely made it I went into this not knowing what the fuck was going to happen I didn't even watch tv at that point like they were like oh it's going to be like Jordy show or Josie show and I remember them giving us a disc to watch and I didn't even watch it so I just went into it like just just full on like winging it yeah winging it yeah and I didn't expect it to take off the way it took off at all what were that like for you then getting thrown into the lame line right so the first did that spiral you do you know what yeah like and remember I went in there this is why it looks so fucked on the first season because remember I was doing drugs I was on benders and stuff and it drains you didn't it like you just don't look like like you and yeah I went in there was drinking every single day for like I think I was in there two months six weeks I can't remember so I just looked absolutely disgusting and I I don't know it was just a bit mad I remember do you know what it was such an an amazing experience like I'm so glad I done it but like when I when I come out of it I had the worst end of it because I went in there like I feel like they they forced the bad like the bad character on me kind of thing like I was the bitch I was the I was the rowdy do you know what I mean when I'm not like I'm literally the least bitchiest person you probably ever meet like if I've got to say something I'll tell you to your face kind of thing so I think like I had the bad character so when when the first series launched oh my god James I had so many death threats you wouldn't believe I didn't leave my house for like a month like it was bad like it was really really bad and then all the other people off the valleys were literally loving life doing PAs making loads of money I was fucking skinned I literally come out there thinking oh I'm gonna make some money I was the skinned decide ever been I was so skinned Do you think these production companies yours kids? Do you know what I feel I feel like yeah a bit I feel like definitely back in the day but I feel like it's different now I feel like yeah there's a lot of protocols and everything to go through isn't it and I feel like I was definitely naive I was I would just do anything that the producers told me to do Were they happy to let you do anything? Yeah I would do I would just do anything I just didn't give a fuck You were only fucking 18 Yeah I was 18 and I had like fame just dangling there for me and you know what I mean so yeah I just when I watch back the first series now I just don't feel like that's me at all You see the kids going on Love Island and you see them coming out and committing suicide because nobody like back in the day if you've got a tribe like 200 300 years ago there's only maybe 20, 30 people on that tribe because we don't really feel as much hate but nowadays everybody's got an opinion everybody wants social media even social media's all bullshit everybody's competing against each other's likes and all likes like I'll put a post down if I don't get a certain amount of views or likes I'm thinking oh nobody loves me anymore that's how fast they felt for me It's mad though isn't it It's actually so when these people are getting in thinking okay I'm going in there make a few more you know I'm going to become famous I can do it I want don't realise in it it takes you 10 steps back because it's a darkness it's everybody's opinion the diary look like that is that the way people think of me and you start doubting yourself and then the hatred kicks in then the self loathing then the suicidal thoughts yeah and that's when people end up taking their own life 100% I feel like anyone that even thinks of doing TV you've got to be very fixed skinned very very very fixed skinned because it's a harsh world I swear to God like I said before I went on the valleys I didn't have insecurities I knew I wasn't the best looking girl do you know what I mean but I felt confident and then after the first series that had gone you haven't been suicidal again yeah suicidal I felt insecure I'd like honestly people I feel like I got the worst end of it like people like oh my god look at a fucking teeth you can grate cheese with a teeth you couldn't fucking chew through bad wire horrible bastards but yeah can't twats like honestly like it was bad and everyone in my hometown hated me as well because I went on there I was like yeah I'm from poor toilet and it's fucking full of skipped brats but I was just saying anything and everything to get myself on the show do you know what I mean I love where I'm from Is that entertainment as well yeah like people who are on jordi's hate that on the ways Essex people in Essex hate that we had fucking what's it called when people protest to get the show off they were like you making a bad example of Wales like it was it was big thing in Wales do you know what I mean but I was like we're not really making a bad example do you know what I mean this is how kids act we get go out we get fucked off our face and we just live our life do you know what I mean like this is what your kids are doing but it's just not being tell like it's not being on tv and how long did that last two years so I think it was like a three years I think so I stopped filming when I was like 20 the last series was when I was 21 what was that like for you did you have other things it was bad because I just thought this was going to go on for ages do you know what I mean I didn't I didn't plan ahead were you getting paid for it so yeah so the first series I got 800 pounder then that's fucking terrible 800 pound yeah to go through that pain and torment yeah it's mad and I remember coming out like like broke absolutely broke and I remember I had a car on finance at the time this is like 10 years ago now I couldn't afford my payments my car got taken from me I've never even said this to anyone I don't think any of my friends know this but I couldn't afford to keep my fucking car like how mad is that so my car got taken away from me like I said all my other tv mates they were all again PAs and everything but because I was the most hated and I think because I was black I don't feel like I was getting work like them do you know what I mean so it was it was hard I can't lie do you find there was a lot of racism did you feel a lot of that yes oh god yeah and I was like it was only me and Lee Royce Lee Royce mixed race as well and yeah the racism was bad like on twitter it was honestly was bad were his good friends the cast yeah I made some good friends and still friends with like Carly now she's gone on to have a baby and Natalie but the others I wouldn't say I didn't stay in touch with them but at the time I was friends with like one or two of them so what did you do after the valleys then so I remember the second series so the second series we filmed I feel like I was more myself then and I started like creating like a fan base do you know what I mean people started like like in me because I was myself and they could see I was just like just a normal girl and then the third series so the second series we got paid at £8,000 I think for that and then the third series I think I got like 16,000 I think I got paid more than everyone else it's still not good do you know what I mean but at the time I was skinned and I was like I felt like it was a lot of money and I remember it was a good series loved it like I really enjoy doing the valleys like it's it's not every day you could say I lived my fucking best life from the age of 18 to 21 do you know what I mean it was like we was in uni but like it was being filmed kind of thing but I remember we didn't get a fourth season and I swear to God I cried for days because I was thinking I didn't have a backup plan I was only 21 I didn't think that far ahead I didn't save my money I was just stupid with it you know what I mean going out part in every weekend and I remember they told us right there's not going to be another season and I remember all of us was devastated like it was bad the way it was done to be fair because it was just like we thought we was going to go and go and film season four it was all planned and everything and last minute it just got pulled from us what kind of years were you getting on MTV or a lot of views millions I don't know about millions but there was a lot of views and now I know they regret it because they said they punched this alphabet because they were like it was such a good rating show and I think X and the beach actually came out around the third season and I think they wanted to focus more on that that's why it got pulled but um would you do it again if it popped up what the valleys yeah so there was meant to be a reunion last year the year before and I filmed like the back story for everything and again it got pulled but I would do it 100% because it'd be so nice to see everyone's in a different kind of matured the bit yeah everyone's mature now they've got kids they've got babies they can get do you know what I mean it's like one of them's a lawyer Jenna's a lawyer now so it'd be so cool to just like just catch up with everyone but it obviously wouldn't be as crazy because I can't that life man like you've got to take your hat off to anybody who tries yeah especially in the reality game you're like you've got to have a a big set of fucking balls because yeah you're going in you're putting yourself in the firing line to be hated and a lot of people hate their jobs they hate their lives so to see people having fun and to see people try to make something in a life people fucking hate that they do hate it and it's people are bastards but there's a lot of goodness out there there's a lot of good people but anybody that does these reality shows you have got to take your hat off to them because no matter how successful we are in these shows you're going to get hate yeah but people still watch yeah exactly it's just to learn to understand that it is only words but all human beings we feel those words we feel that like why do they hate on me what has it I've really done for them to do that and that what can be difficult so after that get cancelled what happened to be a life then? I remember I was living that in Cardiff at the time literally happened at the time of my life still partying like literally partying all the time and I lived with one of my friends Garvin I had to think of his name then Brenda no we literally had such a laugh like literally we were at Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Sunday like it was it was it was mad and I remember the show got pulled and I was thinking fuck what the fuck am I going to do so my only source of income at the time because I had Instagram but there was no like posting and shit like like clubs and shit like that it was that wasn't a thing back then I wish it was because I would have made so much more money but it wasn't so I was thinking fuck I'm not going to have any more PAs I'm not going to get paid from the show what the fuck am I going to do so I was like I don't know what to do and I had a friend at the time and she was like dancing like doing um she was like a stripper in Cardiff and in so much money and she was like oh tish I'm going to my army like why didn't you come with me like we could dance out there and I was just like oh I don't know like I couldn't dance and I was just like oh I don't know and she was like come on like there's nothing else you could do and I remember I had a bit of savings left so I thought do you know what I'm just going to go with my army and just go with it there because I couldn't go to a normal job how can I go from being in the valleys literally steaming off my face and every single episode kissing people like oh can I just put it out there as well I never had sex and everyone used to say everyone used to say oh you're such a whore you had sex on tv I've never once had sex on tv but like the show was mad it wasn't PG do you know what I mean it was it was extreme so I was like how can I go from that to just go into a normal job no one's going to employ me not one single person they're going to laugh at me if I walk in for an interview so I was like fuck and also like my ego I didn't want to go back to a normal job I was just like I just felt like on a hide do you know what I mean like I I just didn't want to go back to that kind of thing so when am I army I don't know if I'm going to completely keep this in there because I don't think men no one really knows about this and my friend was just like yeah let's go dance out there so I was like oh shit okay so I remember like googling like how to I'm dead how to strip dance and shit like that and I was watching YouTube videos right and there was just some girls and just some mad outfits I remember watching one video and they were climbing up a pole and then there was a girl at the pole and she was shaking the pole like that so I was like right okay I'm going to have to like I remember that one and I remember we got there and we auditioned for this club called 11 in Miami and it was like basically like it wasn't like a ratchet club do you know what I mean it was all like very pretty girls there very rich people go there and I remember I auditioned and I remember I had to get in one of these podiums and I was like I couldn't dance gyms I still can't dance now so I was just like like that and I was only 21 you know just like dancing they were like all right you got the job so I was like fuck so I'm basically working in Miami being illegal like you're not meant to work there and yeah so I think I worked probably like four times I couldn't do it How much did you make? Fuck all I made no money like honestly I think one night I earned like a thousand pounds not thousand dollars I must have made about two thousand dollars the whole time I was there and all and then I blew all my savings club in and I remember I told you about that pole dance thing because I want to tell you this story so I remember there was three stages right there was one stage where it's like at the back no one really sees you the second stage you're in the middle and like people see you and then the third stage is where like all the NBA players are and like they're throwing money and stuff for you you've got like a big pole there so I was like right okay I said to my friend you climb up because I couldn't fucking climb the pole and I was like and I'll shake it so she's like all right okay cool so we go to the podium she climbs up and I start shaking the pole like this all of a sudden like about 20 security guards run up on the on the stage they drag us off they're like what are you doing what are you doing is not secure to the wall you're not meant to move the pole and I was I remember thinking fuck this I can't do this like literally NBA players rappers like I see them all they all seen it happen I was just like so shamed but stripping wasn't for me like I'd like to think it was I thought oh I'd be so good to getting money out of men and stuff but I couldn't take it I was used to just men coming up to me like trying to win me over do you know what I mean I fucking hated going up to men trying to make them feel good and try and get money out of them I felt disgust in so I was like yeah I was like nah How long were you in Miami for? I was I stayed in Miami for four months I was meant to stay I was meant to stay up there for a year I think but I couldn't hack it James in the end yeah no so I didn't know you've got a army I can in the book see that you try to shag your power at the the toilet or something yeah yeah we met him did he ever reach out when you put money's book your book nah and do you know what I regret putting him in the book at the time I had management and I was like I told him about the story I was like oh my god fucking we were out and I'm out I was there I'm who can't I'm who can't come up to us wherever and he was really nice and then we went we lived basically like right next to the club like a street over from the club and we were walking and he was just following us we were like what are you doing and he was like come on come on like let me come in like I'll give you money and we were like no like I'm not a fucking prostitute do you know what I mean I think he offered us like two thousand two thousand dollars two thousand pounds and I remember telling my agent about it at the time and he was like amazing let's put in your book and I was just like oh I'd like a do you know what I mean I don't really want to put it in my book because I'd I'm I don't know I regret it now but yeah that happened though but he's just trying to get headlines for the book in it that's where he was he's not trying to sue her anythrwnt I'm trying to fucking do how can you sue me happen do you know what I mean like you can't sue me for the truth but it's mad because I was watching him and his wife on tiktok the other day and they seemed really happy and stuff and I feel like he's changed because I think he's a bit of a creep back in the day in it but um you tend to see man a lot of these fucking sports stars are going to keep him in like I find a lot of people bow down to him like you see this shit with Ryan Giggs I had his brother on Roger and he was shagging his wife for eight years his brother what his brother yeah shagging his brother's wife for eight years and while she was pregnant fuck off yeah six month pregnant oh my god did they speak no not now but it's Roger's a good guy man oh shit I did know that yeah Ryan Giggs so I think just people that you don't know people's stories people are young as well you've been young I've been young like would you utilise it to your advantage if you're a fucking womanizer of course you would but you would have done it for attention you were doing it all for fucking stripping and whatever you could get off men and guys do the same like people make mistakes that was 10 years ago and yeah 100% it's just everybody's fucking majority he's can't have perverts but I know it's true but um what did you do when you came back from Miami so I remember I left Miami because I just got depressed there I just feel like it was because I'm like a country girl like it was so weird for me to be there because like it was just like everyone you meet wanted to be someone so you'd be like oh hi nice to meet you yeah I'm an artist or I'm a model or I'm it was just it was like I was living in La La Land and it didn't seem like real do you know what I mean and I was like fake so fake and I remember I went back to my I was sharing an apartment right with there's four of us in a studio apartment so there's four of us girls sharing one bed like we were oh I was so skinned like honestly I had no money I remember I had to ask my friend to buy me a subway like that's how bad it went like it was bad and I remember just coming back one day and I was just I just broke down and I was just crying and I was like I was like I just don't want to be you I was like I'm just not happy and I was with my daughter's dad at the time when I was out there and he was just like just come home kind of thing well we were like kind of together kind of not kind of things so he wasn't he was back home here and you were at my home he was back home yeah yeah I went there and fucking put up with that you know what I mean um so it's really weird like I got back and um I was with winter's dad forever I literally got pregnant the same week I was back or the same month I got pregnant instantly it was it was mad and I remember thinking like I felt like it was God's way of like saving me like I felt like yeah across towards yeah across towards yeah because I was just I was just I didn't know what to do my life I was unhappy I was just like I hated like my army and I was just like what the fuck and then when I got pregnant I was like shit like this is God saving me so yeah that's why I ended up obviously having winter because everyone around me was like Gerard of Ash going to ruin your career this and that and I was like no like something in me was just saying like just to keep to keep my baby so yeah Is that the kind of turning point in your life 100% God like mass like parenthood has changed me like I feel like a completely different person to that person it's mad does it the cringe looking back at the shit you've done oh my god yeah yeah 100% like I just used to be a bit wild do you know what I mean so did everyone know like you can't beat yourself up for being but do you know the valleys like everyone always says to me do you regret it and my answer is no I feel like if I didn't do the valleys I don't feel like I'd be where I am today do you know what I mean of course man yeah obviously it's going to be a bit awkward when winter watches there when she's 18 but do you know what I mean like that's my story you done it was it million dollar baby yeah you went on Piers Morgan but they kind of gave you a rough ride for that why do you think that is I just think Piers Morgan is a prick and I'm just like a young mixed race girl going on there just saying oh yeah I don't know I just feel like he didn't understand where I was coming from the reason I done the show was because one MTV come to me with it and were like right we want to do a show with you and your daughter and two like is a chance to earn money for my daughter's future who the fuck is going to turn that away and like I wasn't doing anything different to what fucking Victoria Beckham and and all these other slabs do with their kids they're on front page of Boobery or on runways and stuff and they make money from their their kids so I didn't understand why I got so much shit because at the end of the day like it was him I was just doing in my daughter's interest do you know what I mean like that money that I made for my show was still sitting in the bank account like that's for her future so and they made you feel bad for that yeah because you're doing something wrong yeah he he was horrible to me I felt so good going on the show I didn't even want to do it you know but obviously it was pressed for the show so I was like all right okay wherever like I feel like I'm smart but I'm not academically smart like I can't speak properly so like I just knew me going on there they're just going to do you know what I mean like have their way with their words and stuff yeah just put you on the pleasure yeah I just I just wanted to get my point across because I just knew he was going to go in go in for me yeah yeah what about for the million dollar baby how did that show go or Carnelye is one of the hardest films things I've ever filmed why is that so like do you know like the Valleys and Big Brother and all the other shows I've done like there's there's a cast there's loads of you but winter was two years older this time and it was just me and winter so like can you imagine the stress I was filming five days a week and it was just like they couldn't go off and film like a family member or someone like that because the show was based of me and winter so it was it was a lot a lot of hours it was hard work and juggling a baby as well it was it was it was hard but I'm so grateful that MTV gave me the chance to like have my own show not many people can say that but it was hard What was Big Brother like? Oh Big Brother was one of the best experiences on my life yeah because like I watched that when I was 11 years old like I loved it like I remember just just watching it constantly it was on channel five or channel four I can't remember so I always always always wanted to do Big Brother and I remember at the time I just had winter and I moved to Wales and I was like living in like a council flat had no money or ever and I was doing like a uni course and I had no TV work nothing like that no money coming in for social media because that wasn't about and a member of my agent brings me and he's like t-shirt and I was like yeah it was on my birthday it was the 25th of November and he was like Big Brother won you to do their show and I remember just breaking down on crying screaming crying I was like no no no I was like you're serious and they were like yeah that he was like it's not a slept one though it's a normal one so I was thinking okay wherever and you know I'm so thankful for Big Brother because I was in a bad place like I told you financially and everything I was like I was scrimping and saving and I I felt like a failure because I had a daughter and obviously I just wanted to give her the best life I could and I felt like I wasn't doing that you know what I mean so I was like I needed I remember manifesting before this happened actually have you ever read The Book of Secret of attraction yeah and I read that and I remember writing in my notes right I want to move to London and at the time I had like £100 oe bank okay I want to save £20,000, I want to drive a Range Rover and I want to get back on TV kind of thing. And then the week later that happens, I have that phone call, it was fucking mad. So I remember just like right I'm going to do it, I think they only paid like £5,000 but it was hard for me because Winter was nine months old at the time and obviously it was just like me and her, we lived together. But I thought in order to get to where you want you have to sometimes make sacrifice things, make hard decisions, do you know what I mean? So I was like I'm in an hour in about it but then I thought do you know what, I'm going to go on the show, I'm going to fucking win it and I'm going to make a life for me and my daughter. I was one of the hardest things that were leaving her so I remember I'd done the show, literally it couldn't have gone any better for me, I did get voted out not by the public but by someone in the house because he'd seen me as a threat, he just knew I was going to win it, I was the favourite to win in the bookies and everything. Yeah and I remember just leaving there and boom, like the money started coming in, like I was getting social media posts, I was getting interviews, like I was, I started, I earned a lot of money after that, it was crazy and I remember like a month after coming out I looked at my notes and everything that I put on my notes I had accomplished so I moved, I ended up moving to London, I remember thinking because at the time I was living in a council flat and I was paying like 300 pound rent a month and in London you can't get anywhere cheap, it was like I think my rent where I moved was £1,250, I was thinking how the fuck am I going to afford every month to pay £1,250 but I thought do you know what, let me just move up, I'll fucking, I'll manage it, do you know what I mean and like I said the money started coming in and then I remember like two months, three months probably after the show I looked at my notes and everything I put on my notes that I was manifesting I accomplished, it was mad, from going, from being completely skint, living in a council flat to living in London, driving the car I wanted, having that in my savings and obviously I was getting loads of work, my manifestation is very powerful, it's so powerful, it's hard what you're thinking people, that's where you can change your mindset, change the way you see the world and the change of where you look at things and the things you look at change, like 100% you can change your outcomes, you can change life, it's not just a case of writing it down though you've like you could rewrote that down but you've still took the leap to go on to your big brother, knowing the fact that when you've done the valleys the hate that comes with it all the the bullshit, so knowing that you're going to put yourself in the firing lane again it can stop people from going, I don't want to do that again, so you took the leap and done it which is good, your ass what was the script when you fucking bent over and your ass popped out or something, was that the frylin? So I didn't have an appropriate eviction, okay so I only done bit on the side because I was evicted in like one of the games so I didn't have an eviction and they were like all the t-shirt come on bit on the side so when I was in there I was constantly fucking eating because I was so bored so I was just eating like mayo and chicken sandwiches every day, do you know what I mean? I was like eating, eating, eating, drinking every night and I remember I come out and I tried on this dress and it was size 10 and I thought it was a bit tight and I wasn't going to wear any knickers right but I thought let me just put, there was like a pink phone and I put it on and then I went on the show and I remember winter was in the crowd with her father at the time and in the house I used to twerk all the time and do you know one thing I love about my brother? I think I'm glad I've done it because none of us like edited like it's you can't there's no producers tell you how to act or what to do I was completely and utterly myself and I think that's when people just started to like see the real me do you know what I mean? So big brother done me a world of good I can't lie so anyway on big brother bit on the side um Ryland was like oh like show us a twerk because I was always twerking in the house so I stood up and I just went you go like this and you went bup and then I just seen everyone laughing and I felt like a gust of air and I was like what the fuck and then I realised my fucking scooter popped up and I was like no! Like honestly do you know like when you just went the ground to swallow you up that's why when it happened to me I was so shamed and I sat I remember just sitting down and thinking fuck like oh my god like I was so shamed um and I remember everyone tweeting like oh she set she set it up it was fake no he wasn't I just put on fucking loads of weight do you know what I mean my dress just went up that went fucking viral I was shocked I remember I had friends travelling in like Peru or something the Peruvian kids were watching it on their phone just like watching over laughing laughing laughing um it was mad it was crazy to come out to get evicted like by a housemate and obviously I didn't get a proper eviction and everything and for that to happen felt like it was like obviously it was embarrassing but it was a blessing in disguise that took my career as well from from there to there it was it was crazy. Wasn't it mad those things that is the ones that's most unexpected that can change your life for the better it's all about try to create a platform for yourself and create a brand to then feed your daughter which is the main objective you done X in the beach as well what was that like oh that was such a good experience when was that last year or the year before I loved it it was so good I'd never done like a dating show wherever so when they come to me with it I was just like I was like yeah okay um yeah it was laugh just had a laugh just drinking all the time obviously had a bit of a romance. How do you go on with the booze now? I don't drink. Do you not? Do you know what since the valley's days like because imagine drinking every day right so we'd wake up at eight o'clock in the morning we'd have to get up at eight o'clock in the morning we'd get ready we'd be out filming all day we'd get back at six o'clock then we'd have to get ready to go out so then we'd pre-drink then we'd drink all um we'd drink obviously on the night out we'd come back we'd drink all night and then we'd go sleep at like four three in the morning so we'd have like three hours sleep a day right it turned me off drink like and drugs I haven't touched drugs fuck since since I was like 19 I think before winter like drugs are just not for me at all I'm glad I experienced all that when I was younger because it's just like it doesn't appeal to me at all anymore I'm drinking I barely drink if I if I go out and have food I don't think no I don't really drink I don't drink anymore what are you calling the booze now um I'm trying to think the I don't eat more karma much more karma like I got a cutoff point and I know where my cutoff point is do you know like some people just get levered and they're all around the floor and stuff I never get like that because I I just know how to handle it I just know my my cutoff point but I barely drink anymore I just how's your relationship with winter's dad um it's okay like he's an amazing dad like really good dad with winter um but I wouldn't say like we're just civil with each other do you know I mean I think that's the way it should be so we co-parents he has a a week I ever a week so the week I don't have a like I get to do things like this and get on my post completed and stuff so that's good co-parenting it's hard at the same time do you know what I mean but like I've got to be fair you've got to work with each other man because it's not the kids fault in any way yeah shape performance to be the best parents possible which is kind of fuse can have a good relationship it makes hings even just having civil relationship makes better what do you think looking back at your relationships in that um on my previous relationships I think I don't know I just don't feel like I feel like I my past relationships it's just been how can I explain it like the one when I was 14 to 19 that's a fucking weird one yeah that was that was just a weird time in my life I feel like I just that was just a comfort thing for me do you know what I mean like and then with winter's dad I felt like I was just young when I got with him as well we got I got with him when I was 20 21 22 no 21 I think I was 21 and I just feel like I was in a weird point in my life and I felt like I don't know I don't know what to explain it I just don't think we were meant for each other we never meant for each other we we like chalk and cheese me in him but at the end of the day we've had a beautiful child that's come out of it but it was it was it was a hard breaking up because I've always because I didn't have that family unit growing up I wanted to give my daughter that you know what I mean so I think I was staying for the wrong reasons when I was with him because we just didn't we didn't get along like we really didn't get along like and now I see that now I'm in a new relationship I've been with my boyfriend nearly two years now like I see the difference do you know what I mean I know like I don't feel like I was in love when I was with my child's father if that makes sense but like now I know what love is how does he handle it your man the the tension and the stuff that you've done in the past okay with it yeah do you know what like he I think me and him get along so well and we're in like such a good place because we've experienced similar things like and our childhood and stuff like that so we connect on a whole different level it's like mad like with my child's father we didn't really have that connection do you know what I mean but he's cool of it like he um he doesn't get jealous like he's really like laid back um but yeah he knows I've been wild and stuff on the valley has he seen it all but he just loves me and accepts me for a while that's a good man then what about when you when you start to get in fame and get an attention how do you know who's right and who's wrong like the people then want people just want you for because of what you're doing as well well you can't really trust anyone yeah I feel like that's been the case with a lot of people not even just relationships I feel like friends as well I feel like this I feel like when when you're known I feel like everyone just wants to be a friend just for that fact you know what I mean simple fact so that's why I've always kept my day one friends that I've grown up with like my friends and they I'm so close to them you know what I mean but I've had friends come in and out of my life and I just feel like I I generally feel like a lot of people have used me to get to where they want to be and it's sad because I wouldn't do that to someone but I don't know and as you get older you get more walked in you and you realise a lot of things your book how did that come about especially a young age to do not a biography um I remember it was on the valleys and I had an agent at the time and obviously he knew everything about my life like I just because I was really close with him and he was like tish he was like you need to do an an autobiography and I was thinking the fuck don't like old people do them and he was like no like all you've been through is like crazy like some people like some people that are 60 haven't been through that kind of thing and I was just like okay and then that's how I ended up doing it and you're happy with it um how was your response good I had a good response but me my mum didn't speak for a while it's a hard for her yeah I feel like I feel like she likes to push everything in the back of the back of her mind and act like nothing happened but the end of the day it's my story it's what happened to me so if I want to speak on it or to help people then I will you're going to get another book out maybe in the future yeah maybe so plans for the future moving forward um future moving forward I want to I'm in the middle of buying a house actually yeah so I want to get more on the property larger after this um I don't know I feel like I'm done with TV I don't feel like I don't think yeah don't you think if something pops out you'll be fucking all over it I don't know you know oh man I'm telling you something else will pop up in the next maybe this year next year you know what I'd love to do I'm a celebrity get me out you that's like one big brother and that was one of my things I've always wanted to do so maybe that um um trying to think what else I want children more children like I love being a mum and yeah that's it really that's something all like I think of what do you think looking back in your life so far um looking back at my life I just it's mad I feel like I've been through things that no kid should have ever been through um but like I don't know like I get angry about it sometimes like I just like I said to you before like I just feel like I've been through what I've been through to take me to where I am now and that I need to be grateful for as well because I feel like if I had everything I wanted growing up and I didn't experience the things I experienced I don't feel like I would have had the drive and determination to get me to like where I am now yeah for anybody that's watching it's maybe been through abuse physically mentally sexually it's maybe struggling it feels abandoned what advice would you give for them just don't give up and don't don't let your past hold you back do you know what I mean like use it to motivate you and get you to where you want to be because like you you can get past it and like I'm not going to say like I can't say like you're going to forget it because I don't do you know what I mean those days where like I'm really depressed and I think about everything that's happened but just keep pushing and just use that fucking pain and that trauma to drive you to where you need to be have you ever been to counseling now I went to counseling once not feel the connection now um do you know what I felt weird speaking to someone that like I didn't know about my problems and I went and I was literally I come out there hysterically crying I I'm I like to like keep things close to my heart you know what I mean I don't really like to talk about things this is why I never done an interview like this but like lately like I feel like I'm in a point in my life where I'm changing like mentally physically like I feel like a new person lately it's weird I feel like lockdowns like although I went for a bad staging lockdown as as did everyone in it you just feel like down I just feel like I don't know I feel like I've started seeing like a new a new me yes when you get old and you start mature and you realise okay I don't want to hold in because we all start to know we're feeling in emotions when we're feeling down it's easy to feel down in the MPT you're not feeling down but we are feeling down it's okay to have down days it's okay to feel fucked up like people are always saying oh James you're doing well this and that I still feel like going fucking nuts I still feel like getting a big bag of cocaine and just going in fucking going wild but I just know the consequences now I know what's right for me I know what's wrong for me if I make mistakes it's purely down to me I was very good at blaming everybody else everybody all my actions is down to me yeah fuck everybody else it's my life I'm going to lead it the way I want to lead that and for anybody watching as well like push on kick on like if you're battling just don't battle with putting a plaster over yourself with alcohol and drugs because it'll just make a hundred times 100 times worse how you feeling after today yeah I feel a lot better yeah but you're an amazing person man you've got great energy I believe this is just then another chapter flip it and then kick on in life and do what the fuck you want to do this is the yeah you're not even hit your prime yet do you know I know 100% shit that you came through man you just got to own it and yeah but for coming on today and telling your story man that's been amazing yeah like I say is man you're I think you're great great energy and I look forward to seeing you do for the rest of the future check out more of my podcasts on the right and be sure to like share and comment your thoughts on this week's podcast thank you