 Like I'm not going to submit to someone who isn't treating me right or doing what you're supposed to do. But that goes back to my first question. Why are you with him in the first place? Well then that again comes back to me. That's what I'm saying. Like I'm broken and somewhere there's something in me that I need to fix because I'm with you because there's something. You remind me of my trauma. Yeah or not even that you remind me of my trauma because sometimes you don't know that you have trauma. Listen it's the message right here. Black boy tell me how you really feel because I just want to build with you. Black girl tell me how you really feel. I want to keep it real with you. I want to live better eat better. I want to love better sleep better yeah I want to feel so aligned. What has been your experience with men that you consider alpha? I haven't had much experience with alpha males to be honest. I don't know very many alpha males. Your ideas of what these men are like what are they informed by because you seem to have a pretty good idea of what I want. Of what an alpha man is like? Well yeah I mean an alpha man is a man that handles his business. No but you just said you don't know any. I don't know. I've never dealt with them personally. Like I've never dated one. So how do you know what they're like is my question. I don't. You asked me what I want if I was to describe one. That's what I would describe. How can you want something you don't know? I know what I've had. If I haven't had an alpha man I know that the alpha man is going to be the opposite of this. Not necessarily. Yeah when you think of it scientifically if you describe it as scientifically the gorilla guy the out to get it the da da da da da da da da. So the men that you were with you knew they weren't alpha. No I did not. That's what I'm saying like it's not like a. So how do you trust yourself to be able to recognize one later in life? How do I trust myself? I'm like because I know myself better now. I didn't know myself as well as I know myself now. So 10 years ago five years ago the person that I thought was alpha because of what it looked like on the outside because you got a lot of money and it looks like you got this and it looks like you got that. Now fast four or five years later I realized like that ain't shit like anybody can pretend to have this and that. It's about what you're really doing. It's about the mindset. It's about all these other things but I don't know that until I experience something else. So let me let me ask you this. So you said you know yourself now better than you did 10 years ago. Yeah. That's facts. That's valid. Do you feel like you know alpha is better now than you did 10 years ago? I do because I have been around more alpha males in general not in a relationship. I don't have to be in a relationship with someone to see that they are an alpha male. I mean just like you don't have to be in a relationship with an alpha female to see that she's an alpha female. I don't believe in alpha females. You don't know any? I don't believe in them. You don't believe in alpha females? Because based on based on the definition of alpha it is a masculine disposition and a female who claims to be alpha is just a female with a masculine disposition but she's not really alpha. I don't I debate with that. Everybody is masculine and feminine. I mean you scientifically everybody. We have masculine and feminine energy but what happens though is when feminine energy is being expressed unhealthily it comes out as masculine energy. When masculine energy is expressed unhealthily it comes out as aggression. Okay yeah not a healthy woman turns into a man essentially and wonders why men aren't attracted to men. Not necessarily not necessarily because there's a lot of women that that express their emotions unhealthily and become a damsel in distress and that's not masculine at all. But those women tend to have a better outcome than the alpha women. They have a better outcome with men. Being the damsel in distress of course because every man wants to flaunt their ego to save a woman. And the alpha men have a bigger ego. And it doesn't necessarily work out the best. It looks like it but then a lot of those situations are the very toxic situations, abusive situations. So okay let me ask you this because we talk about like how is it 27 percent of black women will never get married or something like that or 27 will get married. Of that 27 percent that is successful what have you seen or observed are some consistent traits that they have that some of the women who aren't successful don't have. Aren't successful in being married? If we're gauging success relational success by marriage relationship what are the traits that the ones who are being successful who found success in that have that the ones who haven't found success in that don't have. I don't know I'm gonna say they're unsuccessful because I'm not married or in a relationship. No no no not unsuccessful I'm saying unsuccessful at that. Right I am unsuccessful at that so I don't know if I knew I wouldn't be unsuccessful. I mean as far as no but as far as just uh just as far as like just analyzing people right like what are some what are some consistent traits of millionaires they all wake up at 6 a.m. so maybe it's all a millionaires. No no no I'm using that as an analogy. So if I want to be a millionaire I can start waking up earlier at the very least so when when I'm asking that I'm asking like what have you seen be successful what's the two-part question have you seen some stuff be successful what are those things and why do you think the people who claim to want that success don't do those things that makes sense. I think that the successful relationships of black men and black women come down to having two people who are on the same page of what success looks like in a relationship so those that have failed myself included I would say that I haven't gotten into a relationship with someone who I was not on the same page with like either mentally emotionally goal-wise general like beliefs like we're just not there like it's not there so it's not going to click and I don't think that comes down to being alpha or beta it comes down to communication and being honest so when I look at friends or celebrities or other people who are black that have successful relationships I see that it comes from there being what looks like a balance of being dominant and submissive on both ends it comes from the male respecting his wife enough to listen to her when she makes a decision and it comes down to him her listening to him when he's making a decision it comes down to trial and error like sometimes it doesn't always work and it messes up but it's learning from those decisions it's being able to grow with that person and evolve with that person and taking that person for who they are at that present moment not who they were when they met when they first got married it's being able to evolve and that love and that understanding so I would say for me someone who wants to be in a successful relationship with a successful black man whether he is named alpha or beta whatever it's gonna come down to me finding that person or him finding me that we can come together and be able to communicate on a level that makes sense that I can respect you you can respect me forget bible forget christian forget muslim forget all these things like but like me and you because at the end of the day like all those things are just external factors but as a human being I need to be with another human being that is willing to grow with me and to evolve with me and to learn about me and to work through it because nobody knows how to do this yeah so you don't want a man that's grown you want a man who's growing I want a man that is I don't necessarily say not grown because you said grow with me so that means right growing is still happening so you don't want a new already established I do want someone who is established what I when I mean when I say who is able to grow with me is that we come together and as I grow as a person as I change that you are willing to learn this new version of me as I continue to grow so it's not that you're not already grown like when I say grown I want you to have your stuff together and be responsible and be a whole person but now it's two whole people coming together and learning how to create something brand new and in that learning how to grow if that makes sense like I don't need you to be immature like so my question is like what's in it for him so if he's already established if he's already you know where he wants to be and doing the things he wants to do what's in it for him to come in and be patient and understanding as you grow well I'm saying like it's it's not he's already established and I'm not it's I'm established and you are established so we're starting off on equal territory and equal ground like I don't want anybody who's less or who thinks their way up here but what's in it if we're both coming like this as two individuals is like you said you want a compliment it's now having the benefit of having someone to enjoy all of these things with you know it's it's him being able to enjoy seeing a woman taking care of her own like I don't as a female I don't need you okay let's get granular huh let's get granular just like to the nitty gritty yeah is your ideal guy shorter than you your height or taller than you taller than me okay is your ideal guy does your ideal guy make less money than you as much as you or more than you uh uh honestly I would love him to make more than me but so are your ideal guy makes more than you okay well no I wouldn't even say that because because where I pose the question is ideal so this is your fantasy yeah so is your ideal guy make more than you as much as you or less than you uh he can make the same amount okay perfect is your ideal guy intellectually speaking is he dumber than you just as smart as you are smarter than you IQ wise I mean he can be smarter than me so that's that's ideal what's ideal to you I need to know yeah like I mean I don't I don't know like that I mean as long as you are intellectually on my level if you're smarter than you great that means I get someone to but what's ideal what's ideal but blue sky best case scenario is he on par with you or better ideally I want him to teach me so yeah perfect now here's my point 99.9% of women would have answered those questions the exact same way here's the problem you want a man who is greater than you in physical stature uh intellectually financially and most of the time socially to feel like you're equal no explain it all explain okay so let's before we go there do you want a female that is taller than you or shorter than you I've done both ideally ideally I won't I want NFL athletes but I'll say this I won NFL athletes but my ideal woman would be shorter than me okay and you want her to make more money than you or less or equal again I've done both ideally it's pretty it's gonna be hard to make more than me so less just as much as me so you want her to make less than you I don't want her to make less than me I'm saying it's going to be hard to make that's not the question ideally what do you want ideally she makes a lot of money that's perfect ideally do you want her to make more or less than you more you want her to make more than you okay ideally what was other question um height oh smart intellectually do you want her to be smarter than you or do you want her to be not as smart as you I want her to be smart in different ways that's not the answer smarter or the same so IQ wise um ideally I want her IQ to either be at my level or greater but as far as how that's expressed ideally that's the question no no I just answered it I said ideally I wanted to be at my level or greater but as far as how it's expressed I wanted to be different okay well that's not the question and of course I want to be different too but but ideally ideally mine are better mine are better so you want so just like you just told me that I want a man that is makes more than me who is taller than me and who is smart as me or you said smarter yeah yeah well smart as me or smart as I said you have to be at least where I'm at or higher which is basically the same thing you just said this is we're saying the same thing yeah but it's different because I'm a man and I'm not asking for what you're asking for what are you even know what I'm asking for no you you're asking for because you said that you want us to be able to grow together and you want us to be able to um seek each other's counsel so my question to you was why would a man who based on the metrics that we were talking about is better than you seek your counsel and and not just seek your counsel but trade his other potential options to build with you it's just a hypothetical I get it but hypothetically I don't ever want someone who is going to see me as if if you come into this and you automatically look down so he's taller than you no I don't mean height wise if you look down on me saying well I'm up here why would I come down to build with you you're not the person I'm looking for so you want a tall guy who acts short no no the metaphorically speak because the height thing is a metaphor I get it but I don't need anybody to act anything other than themselves yeah so you want a tall guy to be tall I do and as that tall person I want you to see me as tall in my own but you're not tall but I am you're not tall physically I'm not tall but again the the tall thing is a metaphor so I get it so based on that metaphor I'm six three you're five two do I you want me to see you as six three or do I do I be myself and be six six you be six three and I and see you as what and see me as me five two five two yeah yeah but you said that's a problem because I'm looking down on you you're five two that's now we're talking about physical I'm so mentally I can talk about okay here so I want someone who is at my level if not smarter than me because I want to grow you said you want someone who was at your level or smarter than you is it we're saying the exact same thing well I'm coming from a different most guys are going to say they don't want somebody smarter than them and most of it we wouldn't say they want somebody smarter than them no most women would most women what most women have said that I want a man who's better than me most men have said that I don't want a woman who's as good as me because she's gonna feel well that's a problem I think the none is the issue it's because men don't want anyone that is as good as them and women want people that are better than them versus two people wanting people who are at equal levels like that's the problem like that's my whole thing like I'll tell you I'm five four and so you should like men who fight for hold on let me finish it's not about physical stature it is a metaphor it is a metaphor so let's keep it as a metaphor and stop talking about difference in height because you said that people should want people who are on their levels I'm saying metaphorically you should want a guidance by four okay sure metaphorically but in my mind do I see myself as five four no I see myself as big as I want to be like I could care less like you know like and that's the energy that I put off like if I'm around someone I'm not gonna act little because I'm little I'm gonna act as big as I am because I am as big as I am so I'm in a smaller compartment or smaller box but trust me I go totally with you but I do feel like if we're if men are wanting this and women are wanting this then we're not ever gonna make it work because you're wanting something that you're not wanting what you like that's not even smart like I don't want anything that's better or worse I want some I do want something that's better because it's going to help me to grow I don't want anything worse than me like I needed this or I need this to grow like and I would hope that you want as a as the male that I'm attracting you're going to want someone that's on your level or me that's a bug here's the problem the the metrics that I gave you and the metaphor that they alluded to we're all masculine metrics but if we come to ability to nurture empathetic kind caring consider it I want all those stats and most guys would agree I want her to be shitting on me in all those stats I don't want somebody on my level I don't want to be less than me I want her better than me so I think it's okay because the concept is called hypergamy it's okay for a woman to want to look up it's absolutely okay and it's okay for a man when it comes to masculine things to want to look down and it's okay to be able to look up to her emotionally and it's okay to be able to look down to him emotionally in an understanding that that's not necessarily his primary ministry my job is to provide and protect your job is to nurture and love right so but I think why things don't work sometimes is that we're trying to do each other's jobs and we're getting in each other's way so like where where do we go from here how do we because I'm not just talking about like person to person I'm talking about as a community how do we get um the community back together black men black women what are black men doing wrong what are black women doing wrong I mean to be honest I can't point out what anybody's doing wrong you said a lot of what the men are doing wrong though you did well I mean you asked because those are your questions okay so what are the women your questions what are the women doing um I think as black females we are chasing after the wrong things and then like for me in particular like yes I want I want a man that is financially stable and all these things like I want him to have his own and be this and be that but I too have to have that like if I say I want you to take care of your kids if I got kids I gotta be taking care of mine you know if I say I want you to have your house okay then I gotta have mine you know so I don't know again I'm I'm just answering your questions you know so if they're posing a male tone I'm gonna answer in a male way but I do feel that one thing that will help is just self-healing like there it's just too like a lot of the issues is just too broken people coming together like of course you are looking for something that you're missing but if you're whole then you're not missing anything so when you you so then you're not looking for something you're attracting which you are you attract like you attract the things that you are you attract better I hope that you're attracting better that's what I want to do I'm attracting better than when I am you know if I'm attracting negative or something less that means there's something more than I need to do I I only want to push back a little bit I think if you are attractive especially as a woman you're going to attract everything right you're going to attract good things you're going to attract great things you're going to attract terrible things I think that's not that doesn't say anything about you I think what really says something about you is what you accommodate I think you are what you accommodate right because if you now I ask the question all the time like when women talk about submission and stuff I'm not going to submit unless blah blah blah and my question is always then why are you with them if you're with a man that you don't respect you don't revere you don't look up to in some type of way and because of that you're conditionally dangling submission as a carrot in front of him to do better why are you with him I think you're asking a bunch of different questions not the same question no but okay so the question is why are women with men that they struggle to submit to or why do they entertain men that they don't respect because I think submission and respect are two different things again for me submission is actions like it's not respect necessarily like respect so you can respect somebody and not submit to them a man in the context of a relationship you can respect your man and not submit to him I would say I will risk I could respect my man and yeah I don't I don't know maybe I just have an issue with the word submit because I think that it's abused I think men have abused the word submission and how have we abused it because I think it's not seen as a sense of mutual respect in the sense of if I'm asking you to submit then I am doing the things that are that you would want to submit to you like I'm not going to submit to someone who isn't treating me right or doing what you're supposed to but that goes back to my first question why are you with him in the first place well then that again comes back to me that's I'm saying like I'm I'm broken somewhere there's something in me that I need to fix because I'm with you because there's something you remind me of my trauma yeah or not even that you remind me of my trauma because sometimes you don't know that you have trauma like not everybody is woke and like oh I'm I'm traumatized like a lot of people don't even know would not associate I would not say that they have been traumatized in their life that's facts that's facts so I can't sit here and be like oh I'm just identifying with my trauma no I'm attracted to something in you because it it connects with something to me I don't know that that is trauma it is you know but it you know and so I think that's why I say I really believe that it really just comes back to self healing like versus rushing to get into a relationship with someone so that you can have the house and the kids and the car and the money and the title that sometimes it's better to that it would it would be better off and I think that we'd have more success in relationships if we healed as individuals first and got to know people as an individual versus let me just you know hop in this relationship so I can have somebody because I don't think I don't think today people value what our actual relationship is supposed to be because if you did I don't think people know what it's supposed to be so you can't value right you know and I think that's what I'm saying like but then you can't say well I've never seen it like now you have to start to understand what it takes to be in a relationship and it's just two people coming together and learning how to ebb and flow with them like that is really what it is and so yeah I don't know I don't know if I answer your question no you did okay you did um I'm gonna just say I think part of the problem is we're too married to our ideas all right and some of our ideas don't actually work in the real world they look good on paper but they don't they do look really good