 I think men and women get a bad rap when it comes to dating, mating, or relating these days. In many cases, men get a rap, bad rap, that they're only in it for the sex. And women get a bad rap, I think, because they're only in it for status. And what I mean to say is a lot of people in the Red Bill community talk about the fact how many women only are seeking the top of the top kind of men. They're looking for that Prince Charming, if you will. And they're bypassing so many good men. And I think that's the complaint with men. And women have a valid complaint because men can be rather non-intentional, particularly in the midlife category. And for those of us in midlife, I always say it's after baby making years and before retirement. So why is it, why is this worth knowing that people get a bad rap? Because the thing is statistically speaking, let me just be clear, for those of us again in midlife, the odds are against us in actually finding a really agree, a really compatible partner. The odds are against us. And yet good people are meeting all the time, falling in love, getting engaged, getting married, moving in together and that sort of thing. So it does happen. The question becomes not do you, how it's not about you setting yourself apart from other people. I think the real issue today is being more realistic, pragmatic and intentional. That's right, realistic, pragmatic and intentional. Now you might be saying, well, why does this relate to the topic? Never say this to a guy, five things guys hate. Well, we have to address the bigger problem in relationships to these days. It's really hard to meet somebody that you're aligned in. It's hard to meet someone that you're aligned with where your values are similar to one another and you have lifestyles that can blend with one another. And certainly is this person even emotionally mature enough do they have the relationship skills to be in a significant relationship? So if we don't address that deeper problem, it doesn't matter what you say to a man, you're not going to, you're gonna find yourself going out on date, after date, after date, after date. Now, what's the solution to all this folks? I screen this at my top of my lung, first and foremost be your best self in the sense of recognizing that each human being has childhood wounds, they have traumas. And for those of us in midlife, we have adult traumas, especially if we've been divorced or have had several significant relationships in midlife. All of those relationships come with them an unraveling of a tapestry of a life you might have built with someone only for it to fall apart. So if there isn't healing going on within that space, whether you're a man or a woman, you're going to come to the table already problematic in relationships. So first and foremost as a woman, you're gonna wanna do some healing. Now, in addition, you're gonna most likely want to find somebody who also has done some healing. Now you have to be careful because while it's beneficial to go to therapy and I'm a big proponent of therapy, oftentimes people still aren't actively healing if they're not doing the progressive work in between therapy sessions. That can be very problematic, but I don't wanna get into that too deeply. What I wanna address before we get into these five things men hate to hear is if you're a woman who has a capacity to attract men. And what I mean to say is if you have a plethora of opportunities, if you have plethora of men interested in you. And by the way, from what I understand men swipe at 60% of dating profiles compared to women who only swipe at 5% of profiles. So if you are getting activity, it's more important to do a better job screening for these shared values, to screen for if your lifestyles are blendable and more importantly, to ask some of the deeper questions to determine is this person emotionally mature enough to be in relationship? This is what I teach in my private coaching. I call it pre-qualifying your prospect. And if you need some support with that, here, check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. And it's in the link below as well. Because the reality is, is you can have all the first dates you want or not, but let me retract that. You can go on first dates, you can go on second dates, you go on third dates, you can even find yourself sleeping with someone and ending up in a relationship only to find out that you're misaligned with one another. I recently got a message on YouTube about a woman who had an eight week experience, saw the man about a dozen, about 10 times, about 10 times in that eight week period, only to find out this guy is really messed up. And she of course did get physically intimate with them. So I'm here to suggest a different approach than what you've been taught by others and certainly what others are telling you to do. Many of folks are telling you not to get serious early. And what I'm here to say is it's not about being serious, it's about trying to reveal, does this person align to who I am? What is the point? What, just think about it, dating is a period of time where you get to know one another. I think sex should be reserved for those in a relationship, but dating is to decide if you want to explore a relationship with someone and that's the period of time you ask the deeper questions. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Okay, so what I wanna share with you today was I saw this topic on another contemporary's channel and I thought to myself, what are the things I wouldn't want to hear, whether it's in the early stage of relationship or in a relationship. So I wanna share with you some of my perspective and then we'll go straight to Q&A. So some of the things men don't wanna hear, I just pulled this up and this is a sensitive subject for me because it's when someone said my ex used to blank, okay? Here's the challenge. While I'm all in favor of talking about previous relationships to get a baseline to see where someone at is at emotionally, in other words, are they still emotionally tethered to a previous relationship? I think it's critically important to find out as much as you can about someone's dating history and relationship history. But the challenge is if you share some of the highlight reels of those relationships, even if it's something that you don't, if your new partner doesn't do what someone else does, it can be rather intimidating for us men and I don't mean intimidated, it just is that if we can't give you something they gave you. So for example, let's say someone in a previous relationship took you on a private jet and you went to Europe or something like that. Now, I know that's the extreme, but I've certainly heard that happen. Certainly lavish vacations or whatnot. And if that's not something we can provide for you, it's going to be somewhat emotionally debilitating for us if we can't give you what someone else gave you. So I'd be very mindful when you're sharing about your past experiences, don't necessarily glorify any of the good things. Certainly bring up the things that's material to the relationship. I think transparency in the dating marketplace is all about sharing things that would be material to any new relationship. That's what you should be discussing about previous relationships. Does that make sense? Okay, good to hear. Well, you didn't say yes, but I'm gonna assume you say yes. Number two, if you say something, and I've heard this before, you don't understand me. You don't understand me. Well ladies, first and foremost, we're not mind readers, but I know I was in a relationship with someone where she had said that not once, twice, several times. And sometimes you have to recognize we, not that we're just not mind readers, but as human beings, we don't know the facets of all the experiences you've had that make you who you are. And when you do spend a significant amount of time with a person, you can begin to get them, but the reality is we don't necessarily understand it from your perspective. Let me give you an example. I was at an Alison Armstrong event. If you don't know Alison Armstrong, I'd highly recommend checking her workout. It's called understandmen.com. My website's Understand Men Now. Actually, my website's my name, Jonathan Asley. But Alison does a little exercise where she asks all the men in the room, when was the last time you felt fear for your life? And they said, if it was in the last month, raise your hand and nobody raised their hand. And if it was in the last six months, raise your hand, none of them. I think maybe one man raised his hand out of a hundred. And then in the last year, it was maybe two men. In the last 10 years, it was maybe a half a dozen men that felt like they had feared their life. And I'm talking about physical fear, not the fear we feel like when we can't support ourselves or something like that. And she asked the women, when was the last time you feared your life? Raise your hand if it was in the last year, all the women's hands were raised. And then I said, if the last six months, all the women's hands were raised. If it was in the last month, all the women's hands were raised. If it was the last day, started the number started to drop. But then she said in the last hour, and 25 to 30% of the women still had their hand raised. See, we men don't know what that feels like. So we don't always, and I'm using that as an example, but we don't always understand what it feels like from your perspective, just like you may not understand things from our perspective. And so when someone says, you don't understand me, that's an insult because we don't, it is even if you've known someone for a year, we don't know how you experience the world. Only you can experience the world. And let me repeat, ladies, we are not a mind reader either. Okay, here's another one. It's annoying when you do that. Instead of judging the issue, offer assistance. Now, what I mean to say, it's annoying when you do that. So, okay, I'll use the toilet seat because by the way, this happens so infrequently, but I will tell you, I get up in the middle of the night, I have to go pee, and sometimes I forget. Well, I'm grateful that Marie doesn't come to me and says, God damn, it's so annoying that you don't put the seat down for me, okay? And that's just such a minor thing, but it does happen. And she says, well, what can we do to, instead of accused, coming at me with judgment or accusatory, she comes at it from a place of how can we solve this problem because it's kind of frustrating to me to fall in the toilet. And by the way, I think it's only happened once in the year that we've known each other, okay? But there's another thing I do that's annoying. And sometimes when there's a disagreement between us or I feel criticized by her, I have a habit of doing what's called tit for tat, okay? I'm not proud of it. This was something my mother did. It's when I feel criticized, I get defensive and I have to say something that's also critical about them. And what I'm grateful is Marie doesn't say, it's annoying when you do that, it's more, how can we resolve this? What is triggering you? What is causing you to do that? And I'm getting better. I'm getting better at this. It isn't until I've been in this relationship, have I found myself in this position of doing tit for tat because I hadn't been in a relationship in a while. So in relationship is when you actually start to have an opportunity to work on those areas within yourself, there's areas of your personality that are somewhat, I'm gonna use the word flawed, but it's not the best of me. Let me just say it that way. It's parts of my personality that aren't the best of me. And I have personality, listen folks, so many of you revere me as like, the quintessential guy. I am riddled with flaws. Let me just tell you something. I'm riddled with flaws. And even within my relationship with Marie, I have my areas that I'm not my best. And she has her areas of not when she's not her best. And when I recognize with that, I don't say it's annoying you do this, I just bring it to the attention and say, how can we overcome it? Okay. Number four, this is something that happened to me. I was with a woman who used to say, leave me alone. Leave me alone. Here's the thing. When you tell that to someone, I mean, tell me if you heard a man say, leave me alone, that would hurt, right? And that would be hurtful. I'm sure you wouldn't like to experience that. So instead of being confrontational, I want to invite just a simple say, you know what, I need a little space in this moment. Is it okay? And not that you need permission, but is it okay with you if I take some space? Not that I don't have the authority to take space, but will you allow me that time to take some space? I think when you tell someone leave me alone and I see this happen, that's a very hurtful thing. I know if you'd experienced it, you'd feel that way. So I want you to be mindful of that as well. And lastly, and this happens to do in the bedroom. And I've had this happen to me before too. When are you gonna finish? Listen, if you've engaged in the act of physical intimacy, but in that moment, you disengage. In other words, you are not engaged in the process. That's an insulting thing to tell someone when are you gonna be finished? I think a better way to approach that is, can we take a break? Is it okay if we take a break? Now, some men are very single focused in the bedroom. I mean, once we start that mission, we have to, we go till there's a blast off, if you will. But I think that's a much kinder thing to say than something like, when are you gonna finish? That feels, I mean, certainly to some men, they're very selfish in the bedroom and they could really care less. But for men like myself that are emotional and that have a sense of emotional IQ, we may not be in tune to what's going on. And certainly, sometimes in the physical act of having an orgasm, you can be self-centric. That's a very common thing, but it doesn't necessarily mean you're a uncaring person in a relationship. But I think to say something like that, an easier way to approach that would be, can we take a break? So I could have come up with a dozen, two dozen things that men and women don't like to hear in relationship. I think the most important thing is I wanted you to approach this conversation from, how can I say something in the most loving way to my partner? How can I say something the most loving way? And Marie and I talked about this in our most recent video versus accusatory and confrontationally, okay? All right, well listen, I hope you got value from this. If you did, please post a comment below. If it resonated with you, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel as well. And in the links below, you can schedule a discovery call with me, join my group and all that other good stuff. So it's time to take questions. And if you have a question of me for me, ask, write the word question, then post the question there after. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to the Connor Asley scholarship, or Scholarship Fund, the Connor Asley, wow. I just had a blank. It's a Connor Asley foundation where I've, I'm not, it's not a true foundation yet, but I'm donating to causes in his name, like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute, Seeds of Love, that sort of thing. So if you see the little dollar sign there and you wanna donate, click that little button as well. And there's a picture of my son, Connor. He's the one who passed away a few years ago. All right, let's jump into it now. I see that Nana wrote a question. Texting stage found on dating site. He texts and asks me everything and I'm open and honest. What do I ask? That's a great question. So what do you want to ask? What matters most to you? I think, first off, you might wanna ask questions centered around your values. You might wanna, you know, get a sense of values. For example, one value is someone's health. Health is a value, okay? Their perception around charity, that's a value. Punctuality, that's a value. I'm just kidding. And by the way, you can Google a list of values. By the way, my nose is scratchy, so please forgive me. I was Googling when a person gets nervous, their nose actually scratches. So for some reason I must be nervous right now. But or it's just, it's a little cool air in here. So about their values, you might ask about their lifestyle to determine if they're blendable with yours and certainly emotional maturity questions. And that's something I help clients with, design the questions based on your personality to ask in the early stage of dating, okay? Hope that helps. Dee says, not a question. Just wanna say that my ex always asked me when I was going to put the toilet seat up for him. You know, I kind of wonder about that too. Is it supposed to be a one-sided type of transaction or should the woman put a toilet seat up for a guy? I think the smart thing to do is always put the seat down and also put the cover down as well. And I'm certainly getting better at that for those that are commenting on that. All right. Spark says, a real man will say, okay, baby, and leave you alone. Later you can come back and say sorry, then you can talk. Again, I don't like the framework of saying leave me alone. That's accusatory. I like the idea of I need to take some space. Are you good with that? Okay, are you good with that? That might be a better, just a softer way of approaching the conversation. All right. Allison says, oh, and she's one of our members here. Just wanna give a shout out to Allison. It's the absence of honesty and integrity. I don't agree with making such a sweeping statement like that. It's all down to individual values and standards. Okay, Allison, I'm not sure specifically what you're addressing. I do agree that sweeping generalizations don't is, okay, I'm in agreement that you can't put everything in one box. That's absolutely true. You have to look at individual situations. At the same time, we can traditionally say that for the most part, this is true. For the most part, I'm not saying any, by the way, nothing on my channel is about absolute truth. I'm here to just spark conversation. So I appreciate, and again, I don't know specifically what you're addressing here, but I will say this, there is a distressing lack of honesty and integrity in the dating marketplace. It's just, it's a distressing number to see. It's not an absolute thing, but it's a distressing thing. So thank you so much for bringing that up. I appreciate that. And Marie goes on to say, Maria, why are there so many dishonest people? What's alarm, that's alarming to me. So here's the thing, my thoughts on that. I think there's a significant percentage of the human population, or at least the population here in the United States who happens to be single, which happens to be, I believe something like 127 million singles in the United States that are over 18 years old. I think there are a lot of people that just lie to themselves and are unconscious to their habitual patterns of being self-centric. I think the real issue here is many people, and this is true of you ladies as well. I think so many women as well as men can be incredibly myopic and self-centric. And in that, they are deceptive to some degree, but I don't believe it's intentional. I think it's a subconscious thing versus a conscious thing. I think men can be selfish in the area of wanting sex before really building trust with someone. I think men can be very selfish in that way. I think women oftentimes give their power away to men. Sadly, I see this habitual problem where women give their power away to men. And sometimes when you have a little bit of chemistry with someone, you will accept almost to the form of abuse from someone. I don't mean true abuse, but close to abuse. And that abuse is they're just not that into you, but they just give you enough to make you stay. And I'm not a big proponent of that either, but that's on the woman, not on the guy. So anyway, Maria, thank you so much for that. I appreciate it. All right, let's keep going here. You have a question, right? Okay, Wanda has a question. Can you become physically attracted to someone if they lose a lot of weight because they want to, because of their health problems to be healthy if chemistry wasn't there before? That's interesting. I've noticed that, yeah, when I've noticed with women in particular, when a man has lost weight, she finds him to be more attractive. There's probably a symmetry to his body when his waist measurements aren't greater than his chest measurements. And I think with women as well too, I think we can find, oh, I know an example of a friend of mine who went out with a woman. Oh, this was about a decade ago. And he thought, and she admittedly opened, she was a bit overweight and he wasn't attracted to her. And then she went on a real health kick for herself and she had lost 20 pounds. And I mean, I gotta tell you, I mean, she would look like a supermodel. I'm a beautiful woman to begin with anyway. And not that I'm not suggesting he rejected her because of that, but certainly when he saw her a second time, he was like, wow, she looks fantastic. I think when we, when humans are in a healthy physique for themselves, they become more attractive. Not to suggest that it's solely about weight. I just think healthy looking people just seem more attractive is all. Now you can have someone that looks healthy and they're a chain smoker, a drug addict and be unhealthy on the inside. So health isn't just something about appearance. It's also what you consume within your life as well. And health is also not just physical health, there's emotional health as well. So those are all factors I think that play in a part. So Wanda, thanks so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's keep going. How to tell some question, how to tell someone they're having an annoying habit like chewing with their mouths open. I wish Marie was here. She's the master at bringing up things that annoy, that can be annoying and how to address it in a very loving way. She's a master at that. So, you know what, I'm stumped at the moment. For some reason, I'm feeling a total block on how to say that in a loving way. I think if someone, well, okay, like how would I address that with my son? You know, if it was my, I'm thinking of my son for a moment, not that he chews with his mouth open, but if he did something like that, I'd say, hey, sweetheart, not that I call my son sweetheart, I'd say, hey bud, can I share something with you that has to do with etiquette? And, you know, my son likes to get advice from me because he sees me as someone he looks up to, kind of thing, so I might frame it that way and then share what's going on. Okay, now, that's someone who's in somewhat of a subordinate position to me, not that he is a subordinate. How would I address that with someone who's my peer, if you will? I'd say, I'd ask it from the point of our, you know, how do I do this in a, I'm trying to think of how to say this in a loving way because I don't like necessarily pointing something out, but okay, maybe I'd ask it this way. Can I ask you a question? Do you believe someone who chews with their mouth open is a good thing, you know, or something like that? You know, like proper etiquette. And then they would say, yes. Well, then I'd wanna find out why they think so, yes. But if they say no, you might simply then say, by the way, did you know this is what you do? I think that's my, I'd start with a question, be curious and then see how they respond. That's the way I think I'd approach that one. So RG, thank you so much for that question. That one felt like a stump though because it's sometimes, you know, bringing up the touchy subjects, you know, and I'd always start with something positive you appreciate about the person to start and then end with something you appreciate. Okay, Evelyn says question. Talking to a new man online. We talked last night for the first time. Our bios are very similar. We only talked for 10 minutes, he ended it. I have a deep voice, was that it? All right, so Evelyn, if you watch any of my videos with my beloved Marie, there's a picture of her. She literally has a voice deeper than Cher, okay? Did anyone remember Cher? It was, at first it was a little, I don't wanna say it was a turn off. It felt weird to me. And even, and we spoke just for the record, we spoke about a dozen times in the course of one year before we physically met with one another, maybe not a dozen, I'd say eight to 10 times. And I always found her voice to be a little weird to me. And then when we even met in person, but by that first time we were in person, it didn't no longer feel weird to me. Listen, I think men with high pitch voices might sound weird to a woman, a deep voice for a woman to a man might be weird. Could that be the reason why it was only 10 minutes? Possibly, I know sometimes in the span of two minutes, I have been, I once talked to a woman on the phone and within two minutes I'm like, oh, I gotta get off this phone call. She is grating on me. And it was not her voice. It was the energy behind her voice that bothered the heck out of me. It's possible, you may not be what, maybe we should schedule a discovery call. There might be an energy behind your voice that is turning someone off. I know I experienced that within two minutes. I'm like, I wanna get the fuck off this phone call. Her energy, and I'm not suggesting this with you Evelyn, but her energy was almost antagonistic. And so it wasn't the voice, it was the energy behind the voice, okay? All right, thanks so much for asking that question. The current girl says, I call BS, I love dad bonds. Again, everybody has their preference, but I will say this coming back to losing weight, which was the original question. I do believe when people look healthier, they tend to be more attractive. That's not an absolute, that just tend, they appear, it is a sign of health, okay? When someone is slimmer, it's a sign of health and they look more attractive, okay? That's just a perception, it's not an absolute. Okay, I wanna thank Mary Chin for becoming a new member. Thank you so much, I appreciate that. Hey, Mary Chin will give a shout out for becoming a new member on my YouTube channel, I appreciate that. All right, Hallison says, Marie has a beautiful husky, sexy voice, I love hearing her speak. You know, I think we're gonna do a lip sync to sunny and share, because we do have to amplify and use Marie's voice in that, when I say have to, but I think it'd be fun that I record a video of us doing a sunny and share song. Hopefully on June 1st, when we go out with the family to celebrate, Connor and Connor, Connor's birthday, Connor who passed away was May 24th, Colin's birthday was June 7th. So we're gonna celebrate both their birthdays on June 1st. Just to get a chance to get a family gathering going. So anyway, yes, I do believe Marie has a great voice. All right, Evelyn says, I am self-conscious about my voice, afraid it is turning guys off. Okay, well again, it's possible it's the energy behind the voice and not the voice itself, but I'm gonna assume you've had several relationships in your life, several boys. I'm assuming you've at least gone on a few dates in your life and those men liked you. So it's not the voice, that's a story. Now that could be for some men, it could be absolutely a problem for some men, but guess what? Just like with Marie, wasn't a problem, it was just weird. But now I love her voice for who she is. So just remember, you can't really say or do the wrong thing to the right person. You can't really say or do the wrong thing to the right person. All right, let's see if we, hey listen, looks like we don't have any more questions. Oh, here's one, men like my accent because I'm Californian living in Australia. So I'm gonna, let's talk about accents for a second. I think accents for some people can be a turn on and I think accents for some people can be a turn off. Now usually if it's an accent to turn off is because if someone's from another country and English isn't their second language, it can be difficult communicating with one another because especially those that weren't raised here in the United States, they may not know the colloquialisms, they may not know some of the jokes and things like that. So it's not the accent that could be a problem. It could be that there's a different perception of the world if you come from another country. I think I went out with a woman who had an Australian accent. I thought it was very sexy and English accent I thought was sexy. I told Marie she has an accent but she really doesn't but I told her she has one just because she has a sexy boy. So Kristen, thanks so much for bringing that up. Hey folks, I'm gonna wrap up early. My younger brother's coming to visit. So we're gonna hang out for the evening. I just wanted to do a quick shout out to share my perspective on some of the challenges we face in relationship and also some of those things that men and women do that can be kind of annoying and how to approach it in a more loving way. Listen, if you find value in my work, please hit that like button, please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. And again, if you'd like some support learning how to vet for emotionally mature men, check out the link to a free discovery call with me. Check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. I've got my dating vows below. I've got the naked divorce content there, a free gift. So check it all out. I'd be honored if you follow my work more. So I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic John's American self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give inner them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Allison, I appreciate the comment and Pam and Kristen and Mary Chin, our new member in Wanda and Evelyn and Corgi Goro and Mary Ann and let's see, Body Electric Supplement and Jennifer and CeCe and RG and Gigi and D-Fas Foss. Thanks so much, have a fab evening. Be well.