 Hi, I'm Dick Simmons from the popular web series Red vs. Blue. And I'm Dexter Griff from the same show. If you've been watching the news recently, first of all, I'm sorry. And second, I'm sure you've heard about microplastics. The word microplastics, like the substance itself, is in everybody's mouth these days, and we're here to shine some light on the subject. Chases are, and the time we've been talking, you already consumed some form of synthetic material. From the plastic coating inside your to-go coffee cup to the pen cap, you're chilling on right now because you're nervous about microplastics. You see, plastics never break down. They're the 1996 Honda Accord of ubiquitous man-made substances. Dick has many street names, but you can call them polymethyl methacrylate, polycarbonate, polyethylene, polypropylene, and polyvinyl chloride, my favorite. And these polys also dig our vibe and love being inside us. Apparently, the average person consumes a credit card's worth of plastic every week without even knowing it. Just like those eight spiders we eat in our sleep every year. I guess you could use ski ball prize tickets and kill two birds with one stone. Exactly. With everybody yapping about eating microplastics, no one's talking about eating microplastics, which when properly prepared are a delicious source of brominated flame retardants and scrumptious pigment dyes. Mm-mm. Are you seriously eating that garbage? Absolutely. If we're eating plastics anyway, they should at least taste good. How do you even prepare plastic? You can read all my favorite recipes in my new macroplastics cookbook, Armed to Table. There's my chicken corded blue, which uses only the finest ethernet cable. But for those on the budget, a jump rope will do in a pinch. Well, this is a first for Griff, but I don't think I have an appetite anymore. Oh, and if you're counting calories, I recommend my slimming turkey cellophane reps really cling to your ribs. And no summer backyard barbecue would be complete without my mouth watering sloppy hose. That's right. A garden hose. You get it? Just eat plastic. Yeah, I think I'm going to pass on this diet. Are you sure? It encourages foraging. It helps get pollution out of the environment and into your pantry. Sure, you might have to fight off some pesky raccoons, but my home style spaghetti and meat bottles are worth it. Mm, that's a spicy meat and a bottle. What's for dessert? Strawberry shortcake? Oh, I see you've already read the book. Wait, if you make an original meal out of leftover containers, what do you call it? And what do you call the leftovers from that meal? This conversation is hurting my brain. Studies about the effects of microplastics on the human body are currently underway, but we can already see the negative effects in the ocean as plastics are killing more turtles than a certain Italian plumber. Where'd you hear that? I accidentally subscribed to Marine Life magazine thinking it was about soldiers. Ah, my poor noodle casserole is done. Yummy, I can smell the polychlorinated balsmals now. I want some of this. Working up an appetite, I see. I'll save some for you, boys. This is good eating.