 Well hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic, men are from Mars is crappy dating advice. Okay really quickly before I begin, since this is going to be a little bit of a controversial video, I'm sure you're going to have some comments so please post a comment below. I read all the comments or if you have questions about what I share, please post and I'm going to do my best to read everyone and respond. Okay so let's get into this. The men are from Mars is crappy dating advice. Okay so first off let me just say this is no disrespect to the author John Gray who wrote the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and this is a very, it's a best-seller book. I think it's you know it's been around for over 20 years and it's very acclaimed as helping men and women understand the differences between men and women. And to some degree I believe in the book in a very small percentage. By the way ladies never do this in front of a guy okay. I can do that but never do that in front of a guy. I'll let you figure out why I said that. Okay so let's go back into why I think this book is not a good book for dating advice because it basically centers around the biological differences between men and women, the biological differences between men and women. And certainly there are biological differences. Men have penises and women have vaginas. Men have more testosterone and women have more estrogen. So certainly there are biological differences between men and women. But here's the reality and why this doesn't apply to dating and relationships is because biology makes up a small, let me do this again, a small percentage of our personality. Biology makes up such a small percentage of our personality. And yes I mean you've heard over and over again ladies how men are hunters and men are providers and men are protectors and men need their cave time and you've heard that and it talks about these things in the book. But let's look at let's examine this for a little bit. Men are hunters. Okay well this goes back to the caveman methodology that we hunted for our food. So what happens is we go out into the wild with our bow and arrows or our knives and whatnot and we'd kill our food and we eat it and we'd be satiated and then we'd be on to the next kill and the next kill and the next kill. I don't even like saying the word kill. Please forgive me. But think about that for a moment. Somehow this is being applied to how we approach women, how we approach relationships because our men really hunting a fully committed, I did this, a fully committed relationship leading the partnership. Are they going I want a relationship? I want a relationship? Is that what they're hunting? Because from my perspective that's not what they're hunting. If anything they might be hunting sex. And if you think of if we're going to use this analogy, well we hunted this food, we ate this food and we'd be on to the next, the next and the next. And from a biological standpoint there is some truth to that. We spread our seeds. Okay we spread our seed. So a lot of this dating advice predicated on this hunter methodology is that we want a relationship with you and that's not always the case and the reason why we know this is book after book after book after book has been written about men who are commitment phobic, men who are emotionally unavailable and how you basically shouldn't go after those men. But I'm going to address this in a second those men. But I said a moment ago that biology makes up a small percentage of our personality. And what's really more important is understanding our childhood imprinting, what happens in our childhood, how we were raised by our parents or our surrogate parents, how we were raised and any wounds and traumas that happen in childhood begin to surface as we get older, as we get older and it forms our basically our methodology, our personality. And oftentimes it comes with negative patterns and limiting beliefs, negative patterns and limiting beliefs. And so I want you to think about this in your own life where you raised by a father who was emotionally unavailable. Well this can directly affect how you choose men in relationship and I just want to say men are also the same in this capacity. Because depending on what happened in their childhood, it will affect how they choose a partner or or start at least the beginning phase of choosing a partner. Now let me just say this, from a men are from Mars perspective, the book actually has some value for those 20 year olds because we are driven by biology in our 20s. But as we age, our childhood wounds, our traumas and our adult experiences begin to take over and create our personality. Let me repeat that our childhood wounds and traumas and our life experiences begin to mold our personality. So by the time we're 35 and 40, it can be vastly different than our drive for sex in our 20s. This is why I'm such a huge proponent ladies and guys who are watching this is check out the book the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. Okay, check out this book. This is really does a deep dive in understanding how our personality is formed, especially our negative patterns and our limiting beliefs based on our childhood experiences and certainly many of us have had even, you know, some have had minimal traumas or wounds growing up, some have had a significant and those who have had significant traumas show up in the dating and mating realm, rather dysfunctional, rather dysfunctional if they're not doing something to heal those negative patterns and limiting beliefs if they're not healing those adult those traumas that happen in childhood, those like and then as we as we age, now here's another thing as we age and we maybe we get married, we go through a divorce and some men the last thing they want to be as a provider protector based on a trauma that happened in adulthood, maybe they had a bad marriage, maybe they had a nasty divorce, maybe they had a domineering wife, maybe they had a submissive wife, all of these things play into the factors of how we choose a mate and this is why dating and relationship advice can't be based on biology alone. I'm gonna repeat that. Dating and relationship advice cannot be based on biology alone. This is why I'm such a huge proponent. I know all of you I talked to you about books, for example, Eight Dates. I talked to you about this book Eight Dates by Dr. John Gottman and his wife Julie Gottman. This is so you understand the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship. Certainly the book Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks. Where is that? Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Healing Hunt. This helps you understand why we choose partners similar to our parents. So the list goes on. I've got so many books right here and I'm gonna get to a few of them a few more before this video is over and why this is so hugely important to understand all this because you've been fed all this bullshit crap about the whole masculine and feminine masculine gives and the feminine receives and the whole masculine feminine conversation and how this applies to dating. Well, that sounds great if you're dealing with an emotionally healthy person. Let me think about this. Think about this for a second. When you're dealing with a whole emotionally healthy person, some of this rhetoric about masculine and feminine can work out. Some of it because of biology, but it's such a small percentage. But the vast majority of the population is emotionally wounded. Is emotionally wounded. In fact, when I wrote my book, what the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? In fact, I'm wearing the t-shirt. The self love club. The self love club. It was because I recognize that dating and relationships triggered the number one emotional health issue facing most everyone. What is it? I'm not good enough. I'm not likable. I'm not lovable. On some level, a core wound exists in most everyone and this is why it's important to build our sovereignty from the inside out. The inside out. If you're not familiar with the book, return to love. Here's the cd. Return to love by Mary Ann Williamson. I highly recommend checking this book out. It is all about shoring up our sovereignty with inside of us so we don't need relationships to feel good about ourselves. Whoa. I don't need a relationship to feel good about myself. This is why this whole conversation, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, sets men and women up apart from one another instead of aligned with one another because ultimately when you love on yourself so much, the gender differences don't mean anything. You step into a relationship from more of a spiritual perspective. It's one of the reasons why I highly recommend the book. If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated because it really helps you understand how to begin the dating process from more of a spiritual perspective and when I mean spiritual, I mean self-love perspective from loving on yourself and when you can approach the dating process from that, you don't need to figure out what men are doing or what women are doing. You show up fully present, fully aware and with self-respect and respect for another human being. One of the things sadly missing in the dating process is respect for another human being, actual care for another human being when you're in the dating process because today's data is so myopic. All they care about is their own needs, wants and desires and they're not respectful of the other human being. And by the way, I'm going to say this is equal for men and women. Whoa, I know you're thinking, wait a minute, men are the selfish one. No ladies, I can tell you as a single man out there dating, women can be equally myopic. Myopic means tunnel vision. In other words, when I say selfish, I mean not consciously selfish, unconsciously selfish. Because most women believe that they're nurturers so they show up fully nurturing but oftentimes it's for their own needs. In other words, I need you to love me for me to feel good about myself. And you don't need that when you love on yourself. This is why I'm introducing you to some of the best material out there so you can become a sovereign dator. You can become an empowered dator because understanding the differences between men and women is such a, remember I said never do that in front of a guy, but it's such a small percentage. That's why I say men are from wars is crappy dating advice. It certainly has some value and I have respect for John Gray who wrote it. Have respect for wrote it and it certainly has some value but it's such a small percentage in the dating mating and relating realm. And you have to make up your choices for yourself because you are bombarded with so much crap and so much rhetoric. I get it. It's frustrating. This is one of the reasons why I turn you on to the best resources. If you want to read a fantastic book, read the book Making Love, How to Make Love All the Time by Barbara DeAngelo. It's a great book for nurturing your relationship and then to go on to I love Esther Perrell's work Mating and Captivity. Mating and Captivity. This is a better understanding of the biology component of relationships but again it's just a small percentage. We have to address the deeper issues and that is the childhood wounds and traumas and life experience because that's what makes up our personality. That's what makes up how we show up in relationship. So the reason why some men are ghosting, the reason why some men are hot and cold, hot and cold is because they're struggling internally to navigate these wounds and traumas they've had in childhood. I had to look at something real quick. Until you understand your own wounds and traumas, how can you lean into being compassionate for another's? Because sadly the dating process is so riddled with judgment, so riddled with judgment, judging another human's being's behavior because it didn't behave, they didn't behave the way you did. It's rather frustrating. In fact, one of the reasons why I wrote my book What the Heck is Self Love Anyway is because I'm a big proponent for a more compassionate, more self-loving way to approach the dating process because techniques don't work. I can give you text this to get your guy back or do and say this, but that's not going to work in the long run. You're definitely going to have to read the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg to understand healthy communication skills in relationship, healthy communication skills in relationship. And if you're not familiar with the book Attached, understanding attachment style. See, none of these books relate to penis and vagina. It's not related to the man's this way and the woman's this way. The book Attached is all based on the experiences you had in childhood. The Hoffman process, all based on experiences you had in childhood. Harvelle Hendrick's book, Getting the Love You Want, is all based on experiences from childhood. It has nothing to do with whether or not you have a penis or vagina. And this whole masculine and feminine energy, I think that it sets you up for failure buying into it because a human being is a human being is a human being is a human being is a human being. That's all they are. They're human beings and we are riddled with weirdness. We're riddled with flaws. We're riddled with uniqueness. We're riddled with compassion and we're also riddled with making mistakes. And when we begin to have compassion, when we begin to have love for both ourselves and others, we begin to have compassion for both self and others. That's the way to approach the dating process. I've said a lot. In fact, this is one of my longer videos. I've got so much more to say. I'm sure you have some questions. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Certainly again, no disrespect to John Gray, but this is my take on the book from the perspective of looking at the bigger picture. And biology makes up a small percentage of what really happens in relationship and what matters most is the imprinting that they have a person both man and woman has in childhood, the wounds and traumas they've experienced, have they healed their wounds and traumas and certainly adult life experiences as well. And have they healed those traumas as well. Because when you put the mesh it together, when you put the tapestry together, that's what makes up or excuse me, your personality and biology is a very small piece of the puzzle based on gender anyway. And by the way, gender divide sets us up for failure anyway. When we actually approach it, like I said in the book, the Buddha dated from a more conscious spiritual perspective, you're going to have a lot greater results when it comes to dating, mating and relating. Okay. As I said before, I want to hear your thoughts or if you have a question, please post it below. If you'd like to talk to me because you feel like based on what I say, this makes you like I sets me, I feel like I'm set apart from the other dating coaches because I'm not talking rhetoric. If you want to get a personalized touch and you want to talk to me and find out if coaching is right for you, check out the link below. And if you can't afford private coaching, check out my link called Midlife Love Mastery. It's also my VIP group. For 20 bucks a month, you can have direct access to me through a once a month webinar and certainly a private Facebook page. Okay. I'm going to wrap up this video a little bit different than I normally do, but I'm going to wrap up all my videos the same going forward and giving you a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. And I'm going to give it to myself and I'm going to ask you to give yourself a hug right now because we all need hugs and love. Wishing you a super duper wonderful day. Thanks so much. Bye bye now.