I show off my super-human strength in the way all super heroes should - by breaking an apple in half. Yes, should the world ever be under attack by furious fruit (which, by the way, would be an amazing band name for you metal-heads out there) it'll be me they come to first.
So, sit back and relax as I demonstrate this remarkable ability. Grab an apple and try it yourself - you'll be the centre of attention at any party you attend, at least any parties that are based solely on fruits. Win bets by claiming you can break an apple with your bare hands (not to be confused with "bear hands" - if you have the hands of the bear you could probably break a watermelon in half).
AMAZE your friends!
BAFFLE your teachers!
CONFUSE any hungry worms!
KEEP all doctors away!
A word of warning - the apple I used (a Braeburn, for you fruity enthusiasts) is probably best suited to this. If you try it with a tart Granny Smith (that's the apple, not a slutty Grandma) or a cooking apple you'll probably break your thumb. Just sayin'.
Have you ever looked at a piece of fruit and thought to yourself "you suck, fruit, sitting there all smug and happy, I wish I could just destroy you here and now"? If so, read on; your favorite Fat-man is going to show you how you can get your revenge on the happy smug fruit sat in your fridge by breaking an apple in half with your bare hands.
Step One - Obtain the tools of destruction
Go into your attic and find your hands. Attach them firmly, making sure there are no gaps around the wrist area. Then go find an apple - any kind will do, although I personally find Braeburn to be the perfect mix of smug and annoying.
Step Two - Intimidate your foe
Shout at the apple a little. Swear at it. Go on, really vent your frustrations on the fruit. Describe in explicit detail how you're going to break it in half. If you fulfill this step well enough oftentimes the apple will spontaneously combust of it's own accord. If you're feeble minded the fruit will own you and make you it's slave, so take control of the situation by telling it what a foolish piece of botany it is.
Step Three - Take the stem off of the apple
Consider this to be the equivalent of castration to an apple.
Step Four - Place your right thumb where the stem was
Consider this to be the equivalent of castration to an apple followed by jamming your thumb into the open wound. Use this opportunity to insult the apple's mother.
Step Five - Use your left palm to drive your thumb through the apple, splitting it
Use your fingers to help squeeze your thumb into the apple. It should start to groan, then split with a loud crack. Congratulations, you're better than a piece of fruit. Your mother would be proud.
Anyway, please upload your responses of you trying this, it'd be ever-so-nice to see.
Peace, love, and noise