 Hi everybody and welcome back to our blog from the Kamasutra to 2020, where we respond to your questions, your concerns, even your worries around all things to do with sex and sexuality. As always, we have with us Dr. Anvita Madan-Bihal, Anvita is a psychosexual therapist and she brings the psychological perspective to the advice of the Kamasutra. Welcome Anvita. Thank you Seema and welcome to our blog this week. Dr. Anvita, this week let's talk about lubrication. Now I have to say that I have kind of come to think that lubrication is something that all women know about. They know about why it is important, what is the benefit of using lubrication, how it should be used, etc. But it seems that actually there is a very vast population of women out there who either don't know about it or do not use it because of several fears or have a certain stigma even attached to the using of a lubricant and something that we will deal with all of these questions of course. But the number of emails I've been receiving about women's complaining about how they're not aroused enough and how they feel very dry and how painful sex is. And I just keep thinking that it's just such a simple little solution 90% of the time, not all the time. Of course there's lots of different things that can cause all these problems but 90% of the time all we're looking for is lubrication and yet so many women won't use it. Yeah, so let's start firstly with that the vagina itself is not a wet place. It's not a moisturized place. The vagina becomes moisturized when the body is aroused. When you're feeling aroused, the brain sends a signal, the vagina was thin and they produce a moisture and that's when the pH level changes, the alkalinity changes and the vagina becomes wet. That's how it works. In general, the vagina is a dry space, it is a dry place and we'll of course get to what are other reasons for the vagina to be dry. But let's just start with this idea that the vagina is not a naturally moisturized wet place. So for reasons such as you're not feeling aroused or there's a medical issue because of for vaginal dryness, anything penetrating it, anything coming in will cause friction. It is just too dry, things meeting will cause friction and that is why you need a smooth area, you need a lubricated area for it to be comfortable. And like you said, the simplest solution for that is to get a water-based lubricant. Thank you. You know, there are people writing inside people writing in and saying, oh, I will, you know, everywhere that you listen to talks about sex or you read about it. And it's always described as this very pleasurable thing. But whenever I try and have sex, it's not pleasurable, it's really painful. And it's just this one little aspect of people coming to that understanding and saying, okay, the vagina is not a naturally moist wet area, it needs help. Now this brings us to the next problem. A lot of women feel that, okay, we've just mentioned that if you are aroused or we are told if you're aroused, it will get wet. I think that even when you're aroused, it still doesn't get that wet in most cases. But a lot of women are now taking this on almost as a self-stigma that something is wrong with me sexually. I'm not feeling aroused enough or my body's not working properly because I love my partner and he's doing the best that he can, but I am the one lacking somewhere. Okay, so let me say one thing. Every woman at some point in her life will face vaginal dryness. You could be young, you could be old at some point. There are several reasons for it. It could be because of medication that you're taking. If you're taking antibiotics or antihistamines, there might be dryness. There is dryness because of depression medicine or stress can cause dryness. There are so many reasons for dryness to be called. But one of the key reason obviously is because of hormone imbalance. If your body is producing less estrogen, there will be vaginal dryness. When do we see low estrogen? Most often in perimenopausal women and women who are menopauseing and at that time we frequently hear women saying that the vagina feels very dry and there is lubrication is limited there. So like I'm saying, there are so many reasons why your vagina could be feeling dry and it might take few days for things to change, but we cannot call it and say, oh my vagina is dry, my sex life is bad. It's a simple solution. Go to the chemist or you can go to any shop where there are hygiene products and you can get a water-based lubricant for your vagina. It's a simple solution. You can use it for those few days when you're feeling the dryness and you can stop using it once you feel that the balance is restored. I think I want to add to that that, okay, for some women because of a number of reasons, they could just be naturally very dry. You could have hormonal dehydration or medication, diabetes, etc. Like you mentioned, for some women maybe you are getting aroused and you are getting wet down there, but perhaps it's not enough wetness and even that will cause a great deal of discomfort. And it's a very, very simple thing. Even if you feel you're getting wet, use a lubricant anyway because the more lubricated you are down there, the easier sex will be and the easier it is, the more pleasurable it will be. If you are having pain there, it's going to put you off sex for the rest of your life. If it's going to be easier, you will find more pleasure in it. It's that simple. And you're absolutely right, Seema. It is just, if you think about it, if the first time, you know, a penis entered the vagina and there was dryness and it has caused abrasions or it has caused, you know, bleeding or tear, one, you know, when the penis will reenter, it will, you know, once again expose those abrasions. But more importantly, psychologically, when you start engaging in sex, you're thinking, oh my God, it's going to hurt. Oh my God, it's going to hurt. Oh my God, it's going to hurt. But if that's what you're thinking, how are you going to get aroused? And then we're just repeating the cycle. And the key with lubrication, as you said, is that actually lubricants increase sexual pleasure. So you don't even need to wait for the vagina to get dry. In all probability, if you're using a lubricant, you might actually notice increased sexual pleasure. And I think at this point, I'd also like to put some of the responsibility on the men over here and say that, you know, your wife, you may be living in a community where it's difficult for your partner, your wife, or whoever your partner might be, to actually go to a pharmacist and ask for this over the counter. It's not always easy for the woman. You can go and do it. It is important for you to understand as well. It's important for the men to understand that if you actually have sex with your partner when her vagina is dry, you are likely to cause UTIs, you're likely to cause tears and abrasions, and you are also likely to put her off you for the rest of your life. So I think that you should be equally concerned about good sexual health in your partner as she is for herself. Yeah. And what you said about going to the chemist and getting it is very important. Please do not use creams that are lying in the house to insert into the vagina. Absolutely. Thank you for mentioning that, because as we know, we've even had a couple of men writing in and saying, complaining about the fact that their wife's vagina is very dry and that they've been using Vaseline in them, which seems to be like, seems to be a solution for everything, Vaseline, you know, that's, I think, a thing. So like we said right at the beginning, we are repeating this word called water-based lubricant. We don't want it to be oil-based and also understand the balance inside the vagina is very delicate, what we call the pH level, what we call the alkaline. It very often is faced by yeast infections and other things if the balance goes off. So people, you cannot just put any moisturizing cream or any petroleum jelly in. It actually causes more harm. We've only put lubricants that are meant for the vagina and all moisturizers that are meant for the vagina. It's also a bad idea to use any, like, perfumed soap or perfumed, you know, using perfumes inside the vagina or something. And we think we're actually taking extra care and making it more beautiful and making it better. It actually is harming the balance and can be one of the causes for the vagina dryness. So only use what is meant for the vagina. You know, that's a really good point because in a lot of my talks, I talk about perfume and I'll say how it's really exciting to put a different perfume on every part of your body and how excited it makes you feel that it opens up those channels of pleasure in your own mind and it gets you to a different space and a lot of women get really excited about this, you know, because it is, it's a fabulous thing to be doing. And they automatically feel that there should be some perfume used down there as well, that they should use some perfume in the vagina as part of this whole loving experience, self-love as well as the love between you and your partner, the intimacy between you and your partner. And I want to say over here that that is an absolute no-no. Please do not use perfume inside your vagina. It is not good for you. One is if you use regular perfume, it will burn like hell. OK, so it's really not good for you. But as Anwita said that anything that is a perfume product will actually dry it out a little bit more. So it's extremely bad for you. Do not use Vaseline. Do not use douches. Do not use perfume-based products inside the vagina. You want to feel really sexy. You want to perfume yourself. Use the perfume on the inside of your thighs way up there, but not on the inside. Yeah, and I think one of the things that we need to remember is that women sometimes worry that the vagina smell. You know, we always speak of this idea that the vagina is a dirty area and everything, and you want to like change it by perfume, you know, or using other products on it. It is not a dirty area. Just use water and simple, as natural as you can go there, natural remedies, natural uses, the better and healthier your vagina will be. So don't use chemicals inside your vagina. Use more natural products and the water is the best thing to use to clean it. So I've even had a couple of emails where the women have said that if they use the lubricant during sex, it's making their partners feel really insecure, that the man is now thinking that he's not a good enough lover, that it's actually casting aspersions is judging his ability as a lover. Now, can you say this in as firm a voice as you possibly can, Anrita, to tell these women that their vagina is part of their body and their pleasure is equally important and it has nothing to do with the man feeling judged about his abilities as a lover? Absolutely. So let's solve this problem in some ways, because we are saying, you know, he's questioning about the wetness. We've just discovered the wetness of the vagina is because of so many reasons. So one, you can actually fantasize on your own, you know, allow arousal to happen. You can do it. You can fantasize during the day. You can masturbate a little bit. You can make sure that the vagina is wet. But if there is a problem, the vagina will not get wet easily. You can use lubrication before and don't use like don't be one. It comes with an expiry date. So don't feel like I have to preserve it and like lonely use this much. Please use lots of it. The more it's there, the better sex will be. And finally, I just want to stress the importance of foreplay because of this, you know, foreplay. It's very, very important. We believe in this idea, the sex is or the man has an erection. He comes, he enters the vagina and that's happens. It's simple science. If there is dryness and, you know, there's friction between two things, it will really harm. The more, you know, there is less friction between two parts, the smoother it is, the better it will be. So foreplay is very, very important. Ladies, I hope you're listening, gentlemen, I hope you're listening too, because this is really important and this is equally for both partners and for the women who feel that their partner, their male partner is feeling insecure, that he's feeling judged if you use it and you don't want to hurt his feelings. Use it before you go to bed. Make sure that it's inside you. As I said, it's not just because, oh, well, I don't mind if I don't get pleasure. It's actually not just not having pleasure. It is seriously about having pain and not just pain, but other problems if you are dry and you try and have sex. You can get cuts and abrasions down there. You can end up with a UTI. You can have all sorts of problems. So this is really, it's not about you feeling stigmatized. And that brings me actually to the next point. A lot of women feel that I mean, it's amazing what we can feel stigmatized about. A lot of women feel that what will people think? People will think that I'm not good enough if I need something like this. So we need everybody to start understanding that the body works in a certain way, that if, for instance, you had a blockage of one of your arteries, your heart is not going to get enough oxygen, has nothing to do with whether you know how to breathe through your nose or not. Similarly, if your vagina is dry, it is because it is dry. It has nothing to do with either your ability as a lover or your partner's ability as a lover. Yeah, and like we just discussed, like every woman at some point will have vaginal dryness. Like, you know, that's just the reality of it. And if we start and there is a simple solution to it, we can solve that problem of vaginal dryness by using a lubricant. So it is not, it is really not a testament or your sexuality or how could you are or how bad you are. It's a temporary or a permanent problem which can be solved by, you know, a simple solution. And, you know, there are just such everyday things that can cause vaginal dryness. Even I read somewhere that a tampon, like, you know, if you use it at a certain time when it is absorbed or the blood, you know, can cause vaginal dryness. So, you know, we can't control for all these things. And we also can't control menopause, for example. And at that point, women just assume our sex life is over because we are not feeling aroused. It feels dry. We don't, you know, we don't feel like we having sex. And, you know, it's going to hurt if we have sex and all of those things. But if you're somebody who's interested in sex, get a lubricant and then you can have sex. Don't feel like menopause happens in sex ends. Yeah, I like, I liked what you said earlier. That's not a testament. You know, how wet you get inside naturally is not a testament to your sexuality. So nobody is going to give you a certificate for being really, really wet down there naturally. If it doesn't happen naturally, please add to it. If it is only partially dry, partially wet, still use a lubricant, add to it, make life better for yourself. Now, Anvita, I guess that brings me to this point. Now, we feel that one can walk into any pharmacy or a hygiene product place and buy a lubricant. But I think that there will be times when maybe that's not possible. There are going to be places where it's not going to be easy to buy it. Are there any natural substitutes that one can use for lubrication? So this is, I have to say, I don't know medically or professionally, but this is just, you know, because we were preparing for this video, I looked at the Internet and it seems like a coconut oil. I think it's a gentler oil in some ways that it's a good substitute that you can use. So pure coconut oil. Don't go, like, you know, you can't go and use vatika hair oil, for example, in your vagina. So pure, simple coconut oil. The simpler you keep it, the better it is. So I would imagine that coconut oil. They also said aloe vera extract. But I think that would be difficult to get. And another example they gave was that anything that supports estrogen production. But I think that we are getting into it has to be hormone based. And that's what's causing it and all of that. But I think the simple answer might just be coconut oil. That's interesting. So coconut oil as a natural home product that you might have lying around the house and that can be used. We we believe safely as an alternative to a lubricant. So like we said before, I think ideally and most chemists will keep a lubricant. I think getting a product that is made for the vagina is the best thing. If you can't for any reason, then maybe you use coconut oil. But also remember one thing, lubricants come with an expiry date, you know, as in, though I would recommend always have lubricants in your drawer, use them any time. Don't think like, oh, I have it in my drawer and five years later, I suddenly feel vaginal dryness so I can open and use it. They come with an expiry date. So please replenish, make sure you're looking at the expiry date and just don't use it, you know, just after five years or 10 years and say, oh, there's a lubricant. So again, I've had a couple of questions asking if there are any side effects to lubricants and can we safely say that there are no side effects to lubricants? There are no side effects. So we recommend water based lubricants to everybody. But, you know, obviously people always have that exception to that rule. So by chance, in case it doesn't suit you, go get medical advice. But in general, water based lubricants do not have side effects. Why do we keep saying water based lubricants? Because oil based lubricants can sometimes interact with the latex and the condom and other things. And that is why we, you know, suggest more and more that it should be water based. So we never know how something reacts to something else, you know, especially with contraception and condoms and everything. And that's the reason, you know, that we're repeating this idea of a water based lubricant. And I think that you also have some suggestions about if you don't want to put it all that all the way inside, that you can actually lubricate the tip more. So, so, you know, one of the things that we see a lot of times is that women, when they are having pain, you know, with the penis entry. Now, I don't want to confuse the issue here because there are multiple reasons why sex can be painful or a penis might not enter the vagina. Bottom line, I would say is please don't force the issue. Work on it before the penis, you know, the vagina accepts the penis automatically. Don't force the issue. But sometimes what you can do is that if this is the vagina, right? This portion here at the bottom sometimes gets cut and bruised very easily. That's where we feel the pain. That's where the nerve endings are. So sometimes just women can take a little bit of oil and everything, which is, you know, it's still external and you can just massage it gently. So if there are any cuts there or is there any, you know, friction there, it just makes the entry of the penis little bit just easier. So just massage it, it opens it up a little bit. Your finger opens it up a little bit. And, you know, just a massaging a little bit with oil just helps. I think one of the things that we should say that we should point out is that even though we feel that most lubricants will not have a side effect on most people, that after sex, particularly if you have used a lubricant, it is very essential that a woman should go and pee. You have to go to the toilet to wash it out. We say that for most of the time that you have sex, then go pee after sex. But after lubrication, more so, just go and urinate afterwards. Just to make sure that, you know, it all comes out and it doesn't stay in your body for a very long time. I think that I that we've covered sort of most of the questions. I mean, there have been a lot of emails, but basically combinations are the same kind of questions. And for everybody listening out there, ladies, gentlemen, please do this one tiny little thing, it is the simplest part of your love making routine. If there are issues that you're facing, whether it is pain, whether it is discomfort, whether it is a disinclination to go and have sex because the memory of the last time was not very good. Most of the time, not all the time, but about 90 percent of the time, it could just be because the vagina was not wet enough. All you have to do is get yourself a lubricant. And as Anvita said, don't use little bits. Use a good amount, a good, decent amount. Make it really wet inside because the wetter it is inside, the easier sex is going to be. You know, as I think you would explain this in an earlier video, Anvita, that the vagina is not a straight canal. It's kind of dipped like this, isn't it? So you can imagine it's already dipped plus it's dry. How difficult and painful it can get and how off-putting it can be. And that could just be the simplest solution waiting for you to open the gates to an amazing sex life. You don't know till you try it. So our advice to you is go out, get yourself some decent lubricant, a good, water-based, official, vaginal lubricant. Don't go out and just make up things and use Vaseline and perfume. And we even had one guy who said that he tries to put his spit inside the woman's vagina to lubricate it, not going to work. Not to lubricate it. It's not going to work. So go out and invest in a tube of lubricant. And we feel that this might be the answer to many of the issues that you might be facing in your sex life. Yeah, I'll just resonate that the vagina is a delicate, sensitive, gentle area. It needs to be taken, you know, too much harshness can actually be bad for it. So try using things that are meant for the vagina. Don't try fancy things. Don't try chemicals or anything. Keep it simple. And in general, if you want to use lubrication as part of your sexual life, it will only lead to better sexual pleasure. It won't reduce pleasure. So use it as often as you want to and it will only help. Yeah, and there's no stigma attached to it. So as always, I do hope that you're going to take our advice on this and really help yourself out on the video, like, comment, subscribe. If you have a question, send it in at info.seema.anand at gmail.com. And if you wish to get in touch with Anrita directly for consultation, she is on anrita madanbehealth.com. We wish you good sexual health and we see you next week. See you next week.