 Well, my life was fun while it lasted. My boy, welcome back to the world of the conscious. I'll be honest, I'd rather be in a coma. You and me both. It'll be as chibnall as everyone locked up in different houses. Thankfully, I somewhat knew he had some evil intention, so I have a plan. Look, we're going to have to be patient. Patient? You are dying out with the wrong guy, buddy. I once punched a guy in the face just for taking too long to get a train ticket. And he was being sloooow. Mr. Capoldy, you're finally awake. Mr. Chibnall, you're still an asshole. Too shiiiit. So, Chibnall, is this all our lives are now? Just tied up in a shed? Festively? Of course not. That would be boring sin. Firstly, the tinsel will change depending on what time of year it is. Oh, well isn't that nice of you, keeping us kidnapped and tied up in a shed? That's hunky-dory, but keeping us tied up in tinsel in June? God forbid! Secondly, I'm going to torture us in doctor order. But how did you know? You're as predictable as Moffat. So what's the change? Predictable, am I? How about I do something a little... unexpected? Ahhhh! Shocking. I think my bounds are becoming loose. Keep going. Really? No, you idiot. The hike only works hands free. You've all people should know that. No, no, I've been practicing. I could do it. Moffat told me everything. So I put you in special hike-proof tinsel. That's not a thing. The writer's pen says it is. Erm, Chibnir, are we supposed to be seeing you sore-style? Ah, you found the screen dead ahead of you. Congratulations, I must have taken a lot of effort. Oh, shut up and answer the question. The answer is no. That's for your torture. Our torture? What could you possibly make us watch? That would make us feel physical pain. Welcome back! Oh goodness, what is that? Oh! Don't. Sorry. Oh. My God. Okay. I'm an evil dictator, but I'm not that evil. Here's your real torture. Now Jamie, who is this woman? Oh, you evil master. We have to watch. So crap. This is a colour. It's just black and white. It's so wronged. My eyes. The flamboyant colours. Crying isn't going to help us, Tom. It makes us scared. We have to stay focused. That's not what I'm crying about. I don't care that it's scary. It's far worse than that. I didn't realise. They wouldn't. My eyes must be deceiving me. And here we have Chris Chibnall, wearing the latest item from the Stolf from Baker line. An absolutely fabulous scarf. And up next on the runway we have Jodie Whitaker, who's still not wearing her new costume, because screw the BBC for releasing it halfway through, I make a three parter. Rude, rude, very rude. You think, Samantha? I completely agree. It's just totally doing it to screw up her jacket. No reason even, not even, not even promotion for the new series. It's just completely ridiculous. Also, I can't open notice they're both wearing the exact same scarf. Well pointed out there, Samantha. That's surely going to cause some tension between these two models. But thankfully here on the douche network, we love a good cat fight. Yeah, bad way to go. Those bastards. I'll kill them. I'll kill them both. Tom, you need to keep your head. How can I keep my head without my scarf? It's my entire being. Besides, it's easy for you to keep your head. They haven't exploited your fear of nudists. Well, don't say it aloud. Scissors. Okay, which one did you pick? Paper. I picked scissors. Long, red, mixed. Rude, completely rude. Chibnall, you there? Yes, hello. Sorry, you two. We'll have been here sooner, but I had to take some naked selfies for Davidson. As you do. Could I have a different person to be tied up with? Collins and I, and he smells like McDonald's and KFC and Burger King and a disgusting laugh child. McCoy. I thought we were our best buddies. Yes, but now we're not. I wish you would tell me why. We want to build a snowman. Idiot. And today we have an amazing deal on McCoy's umbrella. Only $4.99 plus shipping and handling. And isn't it fucking ugly, Chris? It most certainly is ugly, Whitaker. Anyone who would carry this around must be delirious out of his mind. Hey, I'm not H2O delirious. I'm more of a no-gla. Would you at least torch a cotton tool? Certainly. Wow, thanks for that. It's time for a good old-fashioned waterboarding. Okay, so he gets an advert. I get waterboarding. It doesn't seem very fair. Fairness has nothing to do with it. Release the tsunami! Please, doctor. The ha! You're... slightly jammed. That's actually quite refreshing. Can I have that again? One, two, one, two, three, four. Shame, shame. You know, that's not a bird. Yeah, you know what? Maybe this whole eternal imprisonment thing won't be that bad after all. I beg to differ, Jersey Bollocks. It's Jersey Bastans, actually. Where's Chibnall? Or is he not man enough to face the most intimidating man of Doctor Who Road? Oh, he is. But he knew Eccleston would be more annoyed if he saw my face. He already knows me very well. It's impressive. I'll give you that. Oh, no! You stay away from my shed, you bevel-a! From Centuridians. Look it up. What about me? What have you got for the man who's experienced every kind of pain imaginable? McGahn, I know you didn't get that much time as the Doctor, but come on, really. It's not that. Do you remember when Moffat made Gallifrey real by accident? How can I not? I've still got scorch marks from the electricity. Well, that in turn made the time wall real. Swallows ape doctor memories are now real in my mind. So by that logic, why aren't they in my head? Dead writing, probably. It was hard to find something that would make you feel true pain. But we found something. La la la la la la! Enjoy watching your friends retorting again. Do you think Chris is okay? Jodie! He's a sick and twisted man. No, I mean... Oh, whoops. Um, yes. I believe he's doing fine. I hope he's doing fine. He's certainly doing better than Terrence. That's for sure. Although, now I'm thinking about it, he wasn't exactly a saint. He did electrocute us a lot. And according to him it was to nearly break time. Yeah. I'm going to fix that dopey bugger. If it's any consolation, you're too. I was expecting his fat to absorb the bullet. Oh, you evil bastard. Come and then, Chibnall, do your worst. Me intending to take whatever you throw at us. Just testing your theory. Now it's time for the real fun. Don't you dare. I went through so much to get them. Oh, how am I supposed to appeal to Americans now? Fez. Fez, no, no, no, no. Not the Fez. Burn the rest fine. I'll forgive you, but please not the Fez. Say goodbye. I say it. Chibnall, I chose my turn. Torture me. Torture me if it means you'll stop torturing the others. I will be the torturer of Doctor Who's Greatest Doctor. Don't do it. Do it. Just do it. Do it. Extraordinary. Stop. I command you. Stop quoting Evolution of the Daleks. You're just making David more horny than scared. Only a little. Hey Smith, want to know something funny? What? I was the one that came up with your torches. It was all me. It was you? Oh, yes. But I will admit, I'm not very imaginative, so I just made both of your torches burning what you love most with Matt and his hands and with David. Oh, you're bloody hilarious. Okay, it's the time. You did it. No, I'm not an owl. When Moff went down to let Terrence, God rest him in, I took the opportunity to take this knife from his caves. So how did you know what you needed it? You hadn't met him before. I saw what happened when Moffat started. I was not letting it happen again. Okay, so we're free. What's the plan now? We have to get a message out to Moffat. He's the only one that can help us. Okay, let's go.