 I finished watching Neon Genesis Evangelion a few weeks ago, and I still really don't get it. I'm still grappling with understanding the show and its psychoanalytic themes, its religious symbolism and ideas, and many more. But it was a fantastic heart-wrenching and gripping anime, one that encapsulates the despair and loneliness of the world and of oneself. Even while in a very small dosage, shows hope, happiness, individuality, and examines the self quite carefully. I wanted to pen a character analysis of Shinji Yasuka Rei or of Miss Misato, but instead I wanted to look at how Evangelion is able to paint a bleak world, and through this lens I see exactly why this show resonates with so many people. I see why this is a comfort series for so many people. Because of the way these characters can reflect so many people's lives, just as it did for the creator. No character in Evangelion is unscathed or unharmed physically or mentally. Each character deals with loneliness, fear, and despair amongst many other things in one way or another. Misato Katsuragi runs away from reality when it's time to be kind to herself. She's quite judgmental towards herself and believes others judge her as harshly as she judges herself. Rei who wants urine for death and despair searches and has found individuality through her connections and specifically through her relationship with Shinji. Her choice at the end of Evangelion proves her autonomy. Asuka who poses as a tough, strong-willed individual, she desperately craves affection. She wants nothing more than to be looked at and to be held, and to be paid attention to. She has placed all of her self-worth and her desire to be looked at into piloting her Eva unit. And as she was upstaged by Shinji and lost the ability to sync with her Eva, she reverted into her younger self, begging for others to look at her, and this time she begged and pleaded inside of her own head. Even Gendo Ikari was lonely and afraid of living his life without Yui, to the point where he became just like his son running away from reality, as he risks everything to try and bring her back. Which leads us to Shinji. Aided by his father, Shinji grew up not only hating his father, but this abandonment scarred him mentally and emotionally, leading him to fear opening up to others because he is afraid of being hurt again. He becomes cynical, self-loathing, and most of all, lonely. He rejects others but constantly searches for happiness and or help through others, the same people he pushes away. He pilots the Eva unit for validation and for praise from his peers and from his father, but the most glaring of all, Shinji hates himself, and he constantly belittles himself over and over again. Evangelion is Shinji's story. It is a widely known fact that Hideaki Anno, the creator of Evangelion, was battling depression through the making of this series, and is reflected so clearly in his creation. He takes the viewer through 26 episodes of his own mind, and he is Shinji, where there are protagonists like Goku and Naruto as motivational and strong-willed heroes. There is Shinji, who is soft, spoken, timid, and passive. Shinji is incredibly hurt and runs away from life's hardships. Shinji's fear of intimacy, fear of loneliness, alongside his aloof personality are traits that are rare for a protagonist, but here he is. Shinji doesn't possess too many redeeming qualities. He is a hurt, sad, and lonely kid. And that is what's special about his character's journey, and why it resonates with so many, because he isn't strong. Because there are so many Shinji's in the world, just like Anno, who are watching Evangelion, and not only Shinji, there are many Asuka's and Misaros as well, who are struggling with their own worth and self-image. With Shinji, we see a creator at his most vulnerable, creating a reflection of himself, and not of who he wants to be, but of who he is, and of who he is becoming. Over the course of Evangelion, there are moments of happiness and joy, glimmers of hope and positivity sprinkled throughout it. Moments when Shinji, Misaru, and Asuka are making fun of each other. Where kids are allowed to be kids, and especially in the earlier portions of Evangelion, there are brighter days. One of my favorite moments is Shinji playing the cello, doing what he loves. But sadness, danger, depression looms over them every night, and in each episode. And Evangelion takes the time to illustrate these conflicting aspects of their lives and of its creators. Anno takes us on this journey to understand what makes these characters tick, their motivations and their fears, and particularly Shinji, who goes through this process several times. Shinji questions his existence, his self, his motivations, and comes up with so many different conclusions, but the 25th and 26th episodes see Shinji at his absolute lowest, willing to disregard living. Again willing to run away, and this time to human instrumentality. Shinji's breakthrough comes at about a few minutes before the end of the final episode. And when he does break through, he gets a round of applause, a congratulations, and the series ends, kind of abruptly. It's 26 episodes of despair, misery, and sorrow, 26 episodes of a dark tunnel that welcomes light in briefly. It exchanges all of these episodes for 8 minutes of happiness and hope. And that's Shinji's story. The 8 minutes are worth it because he finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. He began to learn to be kind to himself, he didn't run away from all of the pain and suffering, he faced it head on, and through the end of Evangelion it's ultimately the same conclusion, he's now willing to brave life and willing to see his own worth. The message that stuck with me after watching Evangelion is that Shinji's reality is one that so many people live in. Depression, loneliness, self-loathing, and a complete lack of self-worth. Shinji feels as though he has to pilot the Eva because it's the only way he'll feel good about himself, through the praises of others. But Shinji never lives for himself, he never does anything for himself, instead he feels as though there's no hope for him, and as though everyone around him hates him but just won't say it. However, like Asuka says, you have to find happiness for yourself, not through the praises of others, and it's the same thing with hope. Our favorite uncle, Iroh, says that hope is something you give yourself. For Shinji, that happiness was in the presence of his friends. It was through realizing who he is and his value. The majority of these characters have innately human desires and fears. They all make sense considering their upbringing, but pushing their upbringing aside, these are fears and desires that are human. I think to some degree we all fear abandonment and loneliness, and we all want to be looked at and held. We all have different truths based on our realities, and not one reality is the same as another. Kaji says it's virtually impossible to fully understand another, but living is about coexisting, about trying to understand that these differences exist, and the challenge that is navigating through them. Living is about digging that path towards the small sliver of light at the end of the tunnel, and chasing that light forever. To be alive is to be present in every single moment. Evangelion illustrates the idea that there will be people that like you for you, and not for your accomplishments, or for your ability to pilot an Eva. But if you push these people away, out of fear of intimacy, fear of getting hurt, or a fear period, you won't move forward. Shinji is proof that you will falter and you will fail. Shinji struggled. This was 26 episodes of work and 8 minutes of realization. That work included failure and tons of mistakes. Shinji isn't a perfect character who happens to be depressed and traumatized. He too has his own faults and flaws that he's working on, flaws that he has to embrace, and he did. Despite everything, he was still willing to chase that feeling of being loved, even if it meant possibly being hurt. That is Shinji seeing the worth of being alive, and seeing a path to valuing himself. Shinji had the will to live. And finally, I think Evangelion tells his viewers that you have value and worth beyond your abilities. Beyond your ability to pilot an Eva and beyond what you can give to others. Your worth isn't defined by your productivity, nor can you let yourself be defined by what you can offer. More so, if you don't give yourself a chance to have value, if you don't love yourself and be kind to yourself, you'll never be able to see it. It's not easy, but learn to be kind to yourself. Learn to love yourself, because that's the first step to healing and to growth. No one is going to have your back like you do. Also give yourself a chance to bloom and to grow into something and someone special. As Shinji says it, what you are now isn't everything you'll ever be. Water the seeds of your soul so that it may blossom into a garden of light and of truth. And in that journey, don't push others away. And don't be afraid or be ashamed to ask for help, ever.