 So today's episode is a follow-up to our Science of Connection theme this month. Last week we focused on our toolbox episode, how to connect and start to be vulnerable, giving you three layers of vulnerability to work with, and understanding that connection doesn't happen through small talk or the exchange of data. And we also realized that the pursuit of perfection on social media actually works against us in that quest to be vulnerable. Today we're actually going to tackle two articles, and this has been a point of conversation for me and Johnny recently, especially this Vox article that we're going to get started with first, really dealing with flakiness and how can we become better friends. Obviously friends are connected to one another, and we know that it's important to be a good friend to each other, but a lot of us, myself included, don't always know how to be a good friend, especially when we're focused on our own life, our own personal pursuits. It can be difficult to forge stronger relationships with the people around us. Well, that's for sure. I think empathy plays a large role in that, and it's something that needs to be learned and developed. If everyone just had great empathy, we wouldn't be in this problem. We have the Vox article, and we also found there was a BuzzFeed article. You had pointed out the BuzzFeed article, and then I'm just thinking about it, then I saw the Vox article, and if you look, both of these are posted within just over a month apart. One could make a case that both of these articles on friendships and what it takes to build friendships and why we tend to lose friends over time could be made that there's an epidemic running that we are losing this connection. I think it's a pretty easy connection to make. We, of course, talk about it all the time. I know that a lot of our listeners are struggling with flakiness. A lot of the questions we get all relate to how can I get people to show up, whether it's a first date, whether it's a lunch meeting, whether it's a time to see each other again, flakiness is a problem. This Vox article, if you're wondering why you've lost friends in adulthood, this is probably why by Jackie Lu, actually outlines this problem exactly, flakiness. She tells a great story at the start of the article here where she had a distant acquaintance message her saying, hey, I want to be friends with you. We've all been on the receiving end of that. That's a talk about vulnerability, to put yourself out there and to say that takes a lot of courage. You would think if you've gotten to that point where you could say that, that the odds of that being reciprocated by the other person are fairly high. It's a risk you would be willing to take. She wants to move from acquaintance to friend and of course, Jackie, the author, welcomes that opportunity. They've set aside some time to meet up and the day of, they were supposed to meet her friend, sorry, her acquaintance couldn't make it. And this went on for six Saturdays. Imagine carving out time for someone and that person flaking, not once, not twice, but six times. Let me ask you, do you have six times? I'm a baseball guy. And three is pushing it. Absolutely. That's a lot of opportunity. And for her to give six, well, you can use that a while. I guess it was just meant not to be, but come on. That's a lot of opportunity. That's many of that. And flakiness is something that we encounter in our personal lives. It's something I've encountered in my professional life. I've had people ask for my time. Can I pick your brain? Can we grab a cup of coffee? Can we meet up? I want to talk about this amazing idea I have for you and your business and they don't show up. They don't follow through. Yeah. And when you're on the receiving end of this, well, that sucks. It's a terrible feeling. It led Jackie to write this great article. So she breaks down a few things. And this is our jumping off point to this episode because the Buzzfeed article is actually very prescriptive. And we're going to dig into this list, the definitive guide for showing up for friends. It's fascinating. Some of these points, I learned how to be a better friend just by reading this article. But first off, going back to Jackie's article, her number one point is you can't be chill when it comes to making friends. No. You got to take people's time seriously. If this person is clearing their schedule to hang out with you, you got to show up. And I know, Johnny, we were laughing about this earlier. We moved here to LA nine years ago and we noticed this pretty quickly coming from New York, that people don't value time here the same way that they do in New York. They're late, they flake, they don't show up and they always have something else that FOMO comes into play. And there was a lot to say that people are people everywhere. And that's just like a pigeon whole thing that gets thrown to Los Angeles people. And maybe it is true. And maybe it isn't. However, what we have learned is it doesn't seem to be just Los Angeles now. It just seems to be everyone. It has spread. And I've become infected by this plague too. I'm not going to lie. Amy pointed it out to me that I tend to say yes to things. And the author of the article, Jackie, has a theory around flaking and saying it's rooted in dishonesty with ourselves and others about what matters to us. It's not that we're malicious. It's that we're aspirational. And that really rang true to me. I always feel like I'm more capable of managing my time than I am. I'm definitely going to be there. That sounds awesome. And I tend to be optimistic. But when push comes to shove, I do prioritize work and other things above some of these acquaintances and opportunities to make new friends. And it can be detrimental to your social life. Well, and to go along with that, we're moving into a world where more and more of us don't have nine to five jobs. We don't clock in and leave. We have, we tend to work on our own businesses, such as the case here, where it can be and can be 24 hours. And when it's for yourself, you generally enjoy the work. So you tend to do more of it, which is taking time away from these other things that is supposedly allowing us to feel good about ourselves. And we all know the data and evidence backing about how friendships allows us to feel better about ourselves and what is going on. And of course, when you're, you're at home and you want to be doing something that's productive, so you feel good about yourself, you dive into more work. That's at least, I know, for ourselves, it's that way. And sometimes my Midwest sensibilities come in, and I'm just trying to be nice. I'm like, oh, yeah, it's easier to say that than no. And Amy called me out on this. She's like, you know, you're not going to do that. Why did you say yes? Why did you say that's a great idea? Just say no. And this is a point that Jackie, the author of the article made as well, get comfortable with saying no to people that you're not willing to prioritize. How many of us are uncomfortable saying no when someone's pushing to move from acquaintance to friend? I know it took a while for me to start to value my time. I would say yes, and I would end up at things that I had no interest in being at. So that's how we start to cure this flakiness. But to your point, Johnny, the bigger theme here is adults are struggling with friendship. Yes. And it's happening in a variety of facets. We're seeing it from Vox to BuzzFeed, different authors talking about it. We've felt it ourselves. And we understand that we want to be better friends, but a lot of times we don't know how to foster that real connection that makes us good friends. I think another part of it is, I mentioned this earlier and there's a couple of points to it. And someone mentioned the other day that they always say that I seem to be the one more so of the both of us who rails against technology. I don't believe that is true. I do bring it up a lot. However, you have to take in consideration when you look at any of these things, societal issues. And when you look at anything, that's one perspective that you have to take. So of course I'm going to bring that up because we have to, as well as growing up in our development, how that affects the choices that we made. And so there's going to be all these different perspectives that you have to take in account. So for whoever said that, I'm talking to you. Anyway, my point being, so let's just say that we have a friend who's flaking up and we don't know what's going on with them. We asked them to do several things, but let's say that we do see that they click going to some event on Facebook. And what does that tell you? What is the narrative that you start putting together now of what that person just did and whether or not- They even went. They even went, but you start building up, they have time for this and they have time for that. And I saw that they clicked on- They posted an Instagram story. How could they, they're out with someone else. And it plays a role in putting this together. And we are emotional creatures and we put these narratives and stories together through emotion, which isn't obviously the best way of going about it, but that's about the best that our programming has. Right. Our emotions can overwhelm the logic of this. And a lot of times, this flakiness, as we were talking about the Vox article, it's not coming from a place of malice. It's not coming from a place of, you know what? I want nothing more than Johnny to get ready to go out, put on his boots and be sitting at the door waiting for me. That's not happening here. Life gets in the way. We understand that. And technology is one force, work is another force. I know a lot of my friends or maybe they're now acquaintances listening to the show have been like, AJ, where have you been? You haven't been showing up for me because business has taken precedence in my life. So certainly understand the need to cut each other slack, but we want to foster connection. And if we don't have the tools to do so, it could be a losing battle. And most of us listening have prioritized certain things over friendship. And today's episode, we want to help you start to show up for the people in your life so that you can move from acquaintance to friend. So you can foster that connection, because this stuff matters. And science has shown that when you have quality relationships, it has a massive benefit on your mental health and well-being. And it's important for us to connect with each other to feel alive. And it's going to have to be something that you're going to schedule into your week, just like going to the gym, because it's something now that it's getting pushed aside. 20 years ago, 30 years ago, you had to go meet with people in the only way that you can connect with them. You were forced. There was one door. I have to go to Bill's house because that's the only way I'm going to socialize this week. Now you hop online, you're in your video game, you're doing your Snapchat, and you're having your Marco Polo session. All of a sudden, you're having all these virtual connections, and I'm using air quotes for the listeners, and you're not fostering real connection. And Rachel Wilkerson Miller wrote this amazing article in Buzzfeed. It's a pretty exhaustive list. We're not going to be able to get through every point we have. It's like 60 some. Yeah. And it's some of them are small. Some of them are big. Some of them you're already doing. But I thought it was a really enlightening way to look at how to show up for the people in your life that matter. And let's just start by saying showing up requires, as Rachel puts it, intelligence, intuition, empathy, generosity, confidence, and a willingness to be vulnerable. This is not something that you could part time. You could half-ass. You can just kind of maybe show up. This is putting the other person first. And how many, how many of us can say we do that in all of our relationships? We put the other person first. A lot of us are not doing that right now. We're putting our social media, our career, and everything else first. And then we're wondering why our phone's not blowing up on Saturday night. We don't have a bunch of people dying to hang out with us. Well, you get to a point, especially today, where there is a cost analysis to the things that you choose to do. Of course, because we have, we're in a place now with technology that your time can be monopolized any way you want. You get to choose. How much rad freedom is that? And we're going to have to battle this until I guess this thing sort of figures itself out, because this is all brand new. Jared Lanier says that there is a cost to free information. This is one of the costs. You're our relationships. Netflix has endless choices, as well as YouTube and everything else. So it's difficult. And even in person, when you think about FOMO, all the events going on around time, it's easier to be like, ah, well, I was going to get drinks with Jack, but I don't know, this show over here in LA is going to be a lot cooler than that. So I don't have time for Jack. FOMO is a real thing. We've all felt it. Yeah. And, you know, just a simple choice of, here's, okay, we are doing this half marathon. If you guys are tired of hearing about it. What are we doing? This is news to me. We're writing this half marathon and there was a choice to make the do it. And then there was, of course, the choice of the training to do, which we were given our best. We want to do really well. Well, the cost of that choice has been the relationships that I let deteriorate because I haven't been out on Friday or Saturday night. Why? Because I don't want to be a wreck or getting my ass kicked at the gym the next day. That's terrible to even have to think about. And of course, I've been getting some texts and then the texts I don't get, the stories that I've been hearing are even more ridiculous than I could have ever made up myself about what's going on. Why Johnny's not out? Yeah. And it's, and I've all, I've even said to some of my friends, listen, I'm going to, this thing is over at the end of October, you know, I'm, I'm going to, I, this is, there was a cost to this of my relationships because it is, it was a lot of work to put in. And as you know, of all the training that we've been doing. So it's like, it is difficult. So this is a timely episode for you. Now you're going to get a lesson in showing up in the month of November. Yeah, exactly. So everyone listening, Johnny will be showing up November first. I'll be here. I'll be at your vent, whether you like it or not. We have to say that we all have priorities in life. And sometimes when we put the people that matter on the back burner, they're not going to wait around. Some of those relationships are going to fizzle. And as much as we've told our friends, Hey, I got work killing me. I got workouts crushing me. They're still feeling a little let down by us, not showing up. So today's lesson in showing up is going to give you the tools to turn around some of these acquaintances, turn them into connections, and maybe even salvage some relationships that are slowly drifting away. And here's why. Because of showing up, it's all these small things that build up trust in a relationship. And without these small things, it just doesn't happen. And because they're small, they don't seem like they matter when we start to think about these because we're looking at all the other bigger things that would take precedence. But when we've said this before, with all the stuff going on, we're forgetting about nature and its natural effects and how it works. And so through this list, these things may seem innocuous, they small, but they have big meaning in the long tell world of allowing this. And Brené Brown, and if we're going to talk about vulnerability, just like we're going to talk about emotional bids, you have to talk about our two favorite people, right? So we have John Gottman and Brené Brown. And she was talking about that Gottman's research that pointed out the marble jar fact. It's a cute little thing that she put together. Yeah. And you have to think about your relationships with people by placing a marble jar in between you. And for the times that I show up or that I am vulnerable to you, that is me placing some marbles in the jar. Well, now you see that and of course you want to match that. So you start throwing in marbles into the marble jar. And before we know it, that marble jar is filled up and there is a lot of trust that's being built. And Brené Brown had talked about it with her, with her little girl and she goes, do you have marble jar friends? That's a very cute term. And so you could think of it in that manner of marble jar friends. And I really, I really like that. But and Gottman's research points out that it is these small tiny things that builds up those friendships. And this list is great. And it's very easy to only focus on the big ones showing up for the birthday, being the one with the balloons and the streamers and everything else. But there's 365 days in a year. Yeah. When we neglect our friends all those other days, and we only show up for the big moments, we're missing out on the opportunity for true connection. Now what we're talking about here is being active. This is not about being chill, right? Oh, they'll figure it out. Oh, it's no big deal. I got this other thing going on. No, if you want to maintain friends and keep connected, you have to put in some work. This is not an autopilot thing. A little bit later in the show, we're going to give you some tactics and some things that you can do to supercharge your abilities to stay connected. But it does involve work. It does involve looking outside of yourself to create and foster the connections that we're looking for. And the second thing is a lot of this stuff is in person. A lot of this stuff can't be done with technology. And as we were talking about earlier, when we neglect nature, when we only rely on technology to solve our connection issues, well, it's going to be pretty empty and hollow on the other side. Now, when we talk about presence and showing up, what we're talking about, and this is exactly the point Buzzfeed number two in this article, give your nonromantic relationships the same sort of attention, care and mental energy that you give your romantic ones. Think about your friends at least as much as you think about your crush, your favorite sports team or reality TV celebrities. Scratch that last one. I was just saying, no, it's hard for you to put me ahead of your favorite reality TV stars, Johnny. But I would appreciate to get that level of commitment from you. But I mean, we're laughing about this, but there are very many people in our lives that prioritize their sports teams ahead of us that prioritize reality TV ahead of their friendship. And I would argue if if you were one of those people who who seemed to always work or to think of yourself as I'm terrible when it comes to romantic relationships, you're probably terrible in your other relationships as well. And let's be honest, this is something we can cure. These are little things we can do to start working in the right direction. This idea, and I know Johnny, you've you've hit me on this a few times turning off your phone when you're actually meeting up with a friend so that you're not sitting there on social, you're not scrolling through endless texts and dealing with all the digital when you're actually in person analog. I know for myself, those notifications that vibrate man, that can really draw my attention setting your phone to airplane mode. Oh, I'm meeting a friend. I'm going to throw my phone on airplane mode for a couple hours. Imagine the difference in your amount of attention and energy and presence you're going to put in those hours with that person versus surfing through your phone when they get up to go to the bathroom. Oh, I just got to check my Facebook. Oh, sorry, you came back. Yeah, let me just answer this text. And we've been on the receiving end of that. It's it feels awful. Well, think about, you know, you and I have talked a lot about the environment that we had grown up in this very blue color mentality that was all around us. And if you guys want to hear more of that, there's interviews with age and I interview each other a few back. But could you even imagine what your dad would be saying if that phone went off or anything at the dinner table like when you were growing up that that first of all, that phone wouldn't be anywhere near that table. I mean, that would be the first thing. And and if my dad would have saw any of tension taken off of that dinner table to that, I mean, I'd be in trouble. Trust me, my dad took my sidekick to and chucked that thing across the room and it became a sidekick in two pieces. I don't even know what that is. I'm dating myself. That was the phone with the screen that you could flip and then they had a full keyboard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, gotcha. So the sidekick to and flying and turned into sidekick to pieces. Because my dad was like, what in the hell is wrong with you? We are having family dinner. This is your priority. How many of us could say that when we're with our friends now? Yeah, very few of us, myself included. And I tried to make it a point to not answer that thing or to turn it off when I'm with friends. But obviously it is difficult. I know that I personally can do a better job. I see now people are talking about social media breaks all the time now as it's something they're looking to incorporate in their lives. I haven't got that far, but if I keep going down this road, it's going to go that way. Well, even in our class, what do we do? We have a box for the phone. Go. It's out. Yeah. Digital detox. Get the phone out of here. When you're meeting up with someone in person, especially if you haven't spent a lot of time together recently, or it's to celebrate something, it's a big event in their life, put the phone on airplane, nothing's going to happen. Social media is still going to be there. Your Instagram feed is going to be fine. Your photos are still going to be getting likes, and that person's going to feel that full presence. This one sounds like such an obvious one, but there was an article in Vox written about this problem. Stop flaking. Literally show up. Do not flake. And if you have to cancel, make damn sure that you make up for it. Absolutely. And here's another thing as somebody who puts on a lot of events. Now, because I'm also in the music industry and like the play, and I, I get off on all that stuff, booking the show, sending out invites, like the whole bit. Like it's, it's really important. It's part of the ritual. So I like all those little things. You know, I know a lot of people don't like to promote there, whatever, like I get off on the whole little thing. So you, you don't think I know everyone who hits RSVP on that invite at on Facebook. And I don't, I don't have a working cross-reference list of who actually hit RSVP and who showed up. That is, and that's ongoing. I, I can't help but not notice it. Why? Because I like, because I, first of all, I love music and I love the art of it. And I love to see what other people are doing. So when I take time out to go to my friend's events, right, like, I expect it to be reciprocated because that's one of the reasons I'm going. I want to show support. It's like, so I know where that is. And if you think that I'm crazy for that, then you have to rethink about how other people view it because I, and how difficult, when we talk about this, about the social sales funnel and having an event put together, how difficult or terrifying is it for people to throw an event if they've never had to, if they've never done it before? The first question I get is what happens when no one shows up because we're all expecting flakiness. We're all expecting people to say, yeah, totally. I'm in and then not show up. Well, how many times did they say that they were going somewhere and they didn't show up? So of course they're expecting that result. Yeah. And exactly that. What signals you put out are the signals you get back when you're surfing on your phone in front of your friend. Well, they're going to feel it's okay to surf on their phone when you're delivering your big or bad news. So understand that, and you say this a lot, Johnny, lead from the seat that you're in. If you're going to show up and be committed, then the people in your life are going to follow suit. If you're going to be laxadaisical about your effort and showing up and you're going to be super flaky, well, guess what? You're not going to have very many people at that social sales funnel event. And to go on about this, like there is that working list in my head, but I don't put so much attention to it where I get angry people. I know that people are busy, but I know who's been sent out a few invites, not six. I know three, right? We were talking about that number. But also rather than being upset at the people who do not come, because there's nothing that you can do about that. And that's a waste of your time. It's about celebrating the people who do show up so that you are going to their events. You are reciprocating. Oh my God, it's so painful to be on the receiving end of this. We had a challenge participant recently. If you're not familiar, we have a 10-day social skills challenge. You can check it out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge. And one of the challenges involved sharing your values with a friend. And that friend was on their phone. And the challenge of everyone was so distraught. Imagine you're all excited. You want to finally share, get a little more vulnerable. And that person is completely closed off to that vulnerability. That's a tough pill to swallow. And also let's look at the vulnerability of that word. I tend to feel that we're living in a world where these are values and what is important to us continues to get more and more watered down. There doesn't seem to be the importance of it. And I say this because with things like social media, I think it stems from you can always find new friends or more people. But when your relationships are important to you, then all of a sudden you have some some meaning into your life. And you have to have a hierarchical order of what it's going to take to to foster these relationships. And when you and when you water that down, then we lose that meaning. So when someone goes to tell somebody what is important in their life, where they're putting their attention and their time and give you their values and that gets ignored and squashed. That's devastating. And how many times have we seen people put all of their effort and energy on collecting Facebook friends? But then when push comes to shove, they need to move out, they're throwing a party, no one shows up, right? There's all this emphasis on collecting friends like their Pokemon. And there's not enough emphasis on truly connecting with people. And listen, we're not built to have strong connections with hundreds and thousands of people. Like Facebook is not built for nature. It's not built to nurture relationships. It is built artificially so that you can have digital connections that they can monetize. So a lot of people get this confused. They're like, well, I need more followers, I need more Facebook friends, I need more likes. That is not true connection. Just because you liked your friend's post, you thumbs up their post, you made a little comment. That's not showing up for someone here. Buzzfeed number 49, this one. And you know about this. I know about this one. This is a personal one for me. Show up for the funeral. When someone you care about loses someone important to them, show up for that funeral. I know you have your running list of RSVPs to your rock shows. I know who showed up for my father's funeral and I know who did not show up for my father's funeral. And I'll tell you, I spent a lot less time with the people who didn't show up. It's a pretty clear statement of how you feel about me and where you stand on the level of relationship that we have. Well, and also this goes to a lot of what Brené Brown talks about having empathy. It's not like being there for the victories. That's one thing, right? Everyone loves a good party. Oh, celebration. I mean, sign me up. Sign me up, right? We'll do shots. We'll dance. But when it comes to having empathy for somebody who's going through that and to have to be there with that person and showing validation of how they're feeling. And it's not the most fun thing in the world. But that's why it's important. I know that there's no right thing to say. There was nothing that my friends magically said that made all the pain go away. But just knowing that I had people in my life that cared enough to show up validated. And this is a topic that we discussed last month in our emotional bids all around validating other people. When we show up, we validate them. We let them know we understand how they feel and why they feel that way. We might not have felt that before in our lives, but it's allowing ourselves to take on their perspective and see things through their lens. Even if we come at this from a totally different background, right? It does not mean you have to go, Oh, well, I haven't lost anyone, AJ, so I can't relate to you. And in boot camp on Tuesday, when I'm teaching, I share a bit more of the story of losing my dad. And it is tough. I understand it's a challenging moment for the guys in the boot camp to relate to a lot of them have parents who are still alive and great relationships with their family. But it is painful to hear them say, Oh, can't relate. That's awful. That is not showing up. That is not validating. That's withdrawing. That's basically saying, you know, that's too negative for me. I can't go there. I'm not comfortable with that. That's not that. Showing up validating, we discuss deeply in episode 721. So if you're wondering what this validation concept is, we go deep with Michael Sorenson, one of our guests on this. But if they tell you, if someone you know is told you something they planned, ask them how it went the next day. You want to talk about validating? If someone tells you, Hey, I got this job interview coming up. That's an emotional bid. They're telling you something important in their life. Hey, I'm going on this date. Hey, I got this networking event or I got this work presentation. I've been building this deck. I'm showing you something in my life. Validate me. Check in the next day. How that job interview go. Oh, how was the date? You know, something to go along with this. And I think we need to see more of it. But do you remember being a child and having a father-son moment where you asked, why are we doing this? And because it was not a fun thing. And dad looked at you and said, because, well, in that point, it's like, this is what it means to be a man. We're doing something that we don't even want to have to do. But it means, it means showing up. It means being there and we have to. And that's how it's going to be. And it's in those moments where you start to understand meaning and standing for something or what is important to you. And a funeral or something like that is, this is what we have to do because it's not about us right now. It's not about us right now. I mean, that's what we're talking about here when we mean showing up. It's putting someone else first. Now, there is nothing worse than being super excited. You got this big thing in your life. You go through it. You get the job. You nail the presentation. You have a fantastic date. And the next day, no one cares. Crickets. Wait a second. I thought we're friends. I just told you about this big event. How did you not check up on me? And I've had this conversation with Amy and a lot of these lessons from this article she was pointing out to me as ways that I could be a better friend and more supportive to her as a partner, but also to my other friends and realizing that, yeah, there are a lot of emotional bids being shown. There are a lot of emotional bids coming at us. And we're not doing the greatest job of recognizing them and validating them. This is an easy one. These are moments in the other person's life where we could celebrate them by checking in the next day. How did that job interview go? How was the work presentation? Oh, I hope it was a great day. Was he cool? These are small things that show the other person you are showing up. And as Johnny said, it's another marvel in the bucket. Now, there is nothing more disconnecting and not showing up than telling people, oh, others have it even worse. Great. Want to talk about breaking empathy, showing no empathy. I mean, oh, don't worry about that problem. You could have it way worse. Well, I am worried about this problem. This is the most pressing thing on my mind. It is important to have perspective of your situation and then being able to relate it where other people are. It doesn't mean that it's insignificant. Here's the thing. A simple, how can I best support you right now is an easy way to diffuse that when you don't know what to do. I know that I've been in situations where I don't know how to offer support. I don't know what the right answer is for this person. I can't understand what they're going through medically. I can't understand what they're going through physically. And that's going to happen over and over. As you get older, you'll have a little bit of perspective because you'll have gone through those things, but through the rest of your life, you're going to have those moments where you're standing there speechless. And that's okay. As long as you're there. We had a friend get diagnosed with cancer and she had a family to support a lot going on in her life. And I was struggling. How can I support this person? I obviously myself have never dealt with cancer. And in my family, I hadn't dealt with cancer with a relative, someone close to me. And I was talking to a friend who had gone through this with their mom and they said, Oh, simple, get them some meals. They have no time to cook. They're going through chemotherapy and obviously they want to support their family. They're going to need to eat. It's the last thing that's going to be on their mind. And yet, but they, but they want to have done that because that's showing no matter what's going on with me, you're still first in what I have going on. And that's a terrible thing to be sick where you can't be there to support the ones you love, especially when that's a role that you've relished. Of course. And I was like, Oh my God, that's a no brainer. Why didn't I think of that? It's so good. A lot of us don't realize that just asking someone, how can I best support you right now? We'll give them the space to either offer up a solution or tell you, you know what? I don't need the support, AJ, but I really thank you for taking the time and energy to actually care enough to support me. This one, I think a lot of us struggle with because we compare ourselves to one another. We're competitive. And okay, Johnny ran a mile at this time. Oh, this guy's got a faster car. Oh, this guy just bought a beautiful house in the hills. We're always comparing ourselves to one another. So it could be difficult, but celebrating their wins as if they were yours. Number 27 in the article here, this is, that's the easy one. That's the one you want to be there for. That's the exciting one. But how many times do you sit there and go, Oh, God, this guy is so successful. It drives me crazy. How does this good stuff keep happening to him? Now I need to give him another pat on the back. And it's so easy to neglect people in those moments. You know, and another thing about that that I don't think people think about is those, this person has something good happening to them. It can be difficult to want to share that because you don't want to have a backlash of your good fortune that will appear that you are moving away from the people that you started this journey with your, your friends group. And that can be difficult. That's a scary thing. Now, apologize when needed. There are going to be moments when we screw up, when we are not there for one another, when we don't show up to the funeral, when we don't celebrate the win, when we are on our phone, apologize when needed and own it. I can't tell you how many times you get that timid week, sorry, where you know, you kind of forced them to just say they're sorry to get it over with. That's what we're talking about. Showing up means owning your mistakes too. Friends own when they've screwed up and they are willing to step into it and say, I'm sorry, I made a mistake. I said the wrong thing. I'm a jerk. It happens. Then what's one of those things where you have to do it in order to have some integrity of the, of the values that, that give you meaning. Now, I know this sounds like a part-time job doing all of this reaching out and keeping track of things. So what we're going to share next are a few simple tips to keep this easy and manageable without sacrificing any quality. Now, obviously showing up is a part of it and it can feel like a lot of work. It can feel challenging to have all of this stuff running. So we want to find some simple ways to make it easy for you to routinely and habitually connect with those around you. This is a question we get all the time. How do you guys manage all of your time? And it's going to be, you'll have to put some effort into it. I mean, this is the kind of thing that just doesn't happen. As I said, with everything that we have going on, how much you can constantly be diving into your work if you are somebody who's not clocking in nine to five and have a life outside of that, you have to make an attempt. You have to go through, you have to put some, some, some tactics together and some time. And there's really three buckets here that we're talking about. There's a bucket of time for reaching out, developing new potential friends and fostering new connections. Then there's a bucket of time for your existing friends showing up and staying connected. And then there's that bucket of time for you personally to grow and improve. And as Johnny was saying earlier today, we've let our personal bucket overflow. And over the last few months, we haven't spent as much time on the potential for new friends and even the connection with current friends. I know some of my friends listening to this right now are like, good thing you listen to this episode, AJ, good thing you research this episode because you need to learn how to show up. Sometimes we prioritize our personal lives too much and that buckets overflowing. So how can we create a routine to always nurture new relationships and existing relationships so we can be more connected? Now, there are simple, easy things. Obviously, technology can play a role in this. It's not always ideal, but it can facilitate a lot of this stuff. And I know for me, a big one is keeping a calendar. Yes. Keeping track of your friend's life events, things important to them in that calendar. That doesn't take too much effort and energy. Well, it goes back to using technology as what its purpose as a tool to help manage your life, not to consume you. And I'll be honest, you know, people ask, oh, wow, it seems like you know everyone. How do you keep up with all this? Yeah, I have a calendar that plugs into Facebook birthdays and it shows me all of my friends' birthdays and I'm not reaching out to them through Facebook on their birthday where everyone else is. I'm reaching out to them personally on these events. I'm reaching out to them in person to celebrate these moments. I'm not relying on the lowest common denominator of Facebook to be my notification center. Yes. Now, you can also block out a set time every week to foster this connection. So it becomes part of your routine. I know I talked about this in a previous episode. Amy and I have blocked out Friday evenings as date night. And my friends will hit me up on Friday. What are you doing? What are you doing? It's date night with me and Amy. It's something that I look forward to. It makes sure that I'm staying connected to the people that matter to me. Amy being a big part of that. Now, sure, there are moments when we'll push a Friday or reorganize, but that's a routine now. And I know that that fulfills an important part of our relationship. What happens if you push that two weeks in a row? I'm not allowed. Yeah. And it's on that order. It's high up there because you know the results. If you mess around that, there's now somebody else involved. The other thing that I do, and I remember when I first got, you know, date myself technology again, I first got a Trello. And I was so excited, a little bomb pilot cell phone. I was so excited for the notes section because in my context, I could add little notes. Oh, their address, how to get in their apartment building. What's their favorite food? Oh, what's their favorite drink? I would always try to supplement the people that I was trying to build a relationship with or the people I was already in a relationship with, with these little notes. And I can't remember who it was. It was someone I was seeing at the time, grabbed my phone, of course, trying to snoop around and saw all these notes. It was like, Oh, that's how you remember all these little things. Yeah, I know that my memory is not the strongest. So I'll use technology to supplement it. But the notes, easy way to keep track of these things, easy way to build a habit when you're meeting someone new jot down a few notes about them. And now you can use this to foster that connection. The other one is understanding what's their preferred method of communication. Yes. Johnny, how many times have you sent me the, what do you call me text me, bro? Absolutely. I know that calling you is basically the house is on fire. That's what I'm going to call you. Otherwise, it's text. Well, granted, that doesn't always work the best. And we've all seen our relationships get into a mess because we haven't talked to each other in person rather than some flippant text. But that's, that is, there's pluses and minuses to everything. And everyone has a preferred method of communication. I have other friends who only want to meet in person. Yeah. They don't want to be on the phone and they don't want to text. They use text just for logistics. This is where we're grabbing dinner. Yes. I have friends who just want to talk on the phone. You know, it's funny. I just, when you have that preferred method and now we have that choice of preferred method, more choice, right? More anxiety. So, and I laugh about it because I mean, I remember at a time where I wished as like, oh, I don't have any friends. No one's called me today. Now the idea of someone calling me is like, why are you calling me? Just text me. With all the choices, it's just, it's just weird. It's just another thing to get to know somebody so you can then again, foster a relationship with them. Now this is a hack. I can't remember who taught me this. Basically set a day in your calendar recurring to scroll through your phone looking at contacts that you haven't talked to in a while and send them a little comment, a little text, a little form of communication. Like just thought of you, wanted to say hi, hope things are good. Hey, I just found this funny cat video reminding me of you, shoot him a gift, shoot him a meme, shoot him something. But if you set this habitually that once a month you are reaching out to those people in your phone that you obviously have their contact information, it can go a long way towards bridging the gap when you feel like you've fallen off and connections falling apart or you're sliding into the acquaintance bucket instead of building that friendship. Well, I mean, so talking about this right now, I mean, here is an interesting homework assignment for you guys to do. In fact, it's something that we have the guys do a program where it's like reach out to five people and let them know how important they are to you and why you value that relationship. And you would be surprised what comes back. So pause the podcast, go to your contacts, scroll to the first five names jogging through that pop for you and reach out to them. It could be a small text just thinking of you. It could be something silly that you found on the internet. It could be something about their favorite sports team. But foster that connection with five people in your phone right now. You know, we're on Facebook. There's always those interesting sort of like you push whatever it is. It's like, here's the people who would help you in a robbery. Here's the people that would help you in a sports event like it goes through your friends list. Oh man, I want that. Who's going to help me in a robbery? Yeah, exactly. And it gives you what they're going to be doing and then driving. So rather than having that, right, you do that, right, reach out and text those people. Hey, I was plotting a robbery. You're driver. You got the front door. I'm a little concerned that some people in our contact list might take us seriously. Yeah. Now, you might be worried that, oh, now I'm going to have to reply to all these messages in my phone. I'm going to get distracted from work or even worse that I'm going to be the one who's on my phone constantly keeping up with all of these acquaintances while I'm actually trying to connect with people. Again, we know that everyone is busy as well. We're busy. I know we're afraid now. Oh my God, how am I going to keep all these balls in the air and all these connections? And Keith Verrazi have had an opportunity to hang out with them a couple times. He wrote a phenomenal book, Never Eat Alone. And he has a great trick that he uses to basically keep those connections brewing when you are short on time. And it's simply reaching out to people when, you know, they're busy and you know, there's not going to be a 30-minute conversation. You know, it's going to be a quick text back. Just thinking of you. I know you're at work. I know you're slammed. Just wanted to let you know you popped in my mind and give them an opportunity to reach back out to you when it's a better time for them. So you're not having to constantly rearrange your schedule. I know some people listening to this right now are like, hey, Jay, I'm going to be on the phone for hours every day. How am I going to do this after work? These are simple ways to utilize the technology available to us to foster connection to show up for the people in our lives. And there is a note section in your address book for a reason. Taking notes and writing down important things about the people in your life and keeping track of them is easy nowadays. This is low effort. You don't need to carry around a moleskine with all of the notes about every single person you're talking to. You don't need to have countless pages digitally following along, keeping track of the people that matter to you and the things that matter to them go a long way towards showing up and putting their events on your calendar. As I said, I have birthdays coming in. I have big events like exams, presentations, vacations. When you keep track of the people's lives that you care about, it goes a long way towards showing them that you care about them. And technology is great for this sort of stuff. And, hey, I know that, oh, now my calendar's cluttered. I'm already hearing our listeners come back with. So create a separate calendar, calendar for friends, throw all your little friend activities on that calendar, and uncheck it when you don't need to see it, when you're busy at work, and check it on your designated, oh, I'm going to check it on my friends days. You start to build these habits, and all of a sudden you're following along more closely. You're paying closer attention to the people that matter. You are showing up for them. And I know a number of listeners are going, AJ, that's great, but I have some difficult people in my life. How do I show up for the difficult people in my life? And a lot of times, who are these difficult people, Johnny? Well, it's family. Yeah, usually family, because you can't pick them, and you're stuck with them, and you have to figure out some way of, I guess, dealing with them. Dealing with them is a good way to put it. Dealing with them. But you want to show support. You want to be there. And also, by being there means that you have to deal with whatever insanity they might be going through. And you know what's going to be an emotional time, so maybe we even know that there are people in your family that are value vampires, as we like to call them. And that happens. They're not all on this road of self-development that we've all decided to join in. And, and, or they're not willing to hear that they have whatever blind spot that's holding them back. But yet, as family, you got to go to Thanksgiving dinner and you know you're going to be dealing with it. And then you got to go to someone's birthday party and you know your cousin Jimmy's going to be there. And boy, is he a piece of work. And I know in my family that there are good times to talk to certain family members and there are bad times to talk to certain family members. And usually it involves sports. So when I'm reaching out to some family members that are difficult, I'm waiting for the Wolverines to have won the football game, and then I'm sending them a text. There you go. I'm not sending them a text when we lose to Notre Dame. That's not a good time to get them fired up and get a conversation going. So paying attention to those moments when they will be in the right state to receive it. When you're not going to have to deal with that difficult side, right? I know that if I text my aunt when she's at work, I'm just going to fluster her more. So I'm not sending her text messages when she's on her feet working in the hospital. That's not a good time to reach out. And it's going to stress her out more than it's going to make her feel good that I care about her. Now, when we think about these things, we are showing up. We are going a little step further than we would for an acquaintance or a stranger on the street. There was something I wanted to add to this as well, because showing up, being there in person, being there present, it can be difficult for someone who likes to see themselves as introverted. And you use that as an excuse to not show up. Well, I'm introverted and you know that and so and so. That's what makes it even more special that you've come out to support your friends in those situations. So please don't use that as an excuse. Yes, you're an introverted person. You'd rather be by alone. You'd rather be studying. You'd rather be reading. And your friends, they understand that. And so even if it's going out for an hour, it's not going to kill you. It shows support and it shows that you're thinking about them. And they would rather you've come out for that half an hour to say hello than not at all. I think that's phenomenal advice. And I think as we start to put ourselves out a little bit more and a little bit more and show up a little bit more, what happens in return is remarkable. Yes. You start to bring out the best and the people around you. They start to show up for you when you need it. And all of a sudden, you have a much stronger connection. You know, to go along with that, to even send a tag, even if you want the person that you're showing up for to know what it, what it's going to take for you to leave that house. So you send them a message. Guess what? I'm going to be there. And it's taken me a lot with everything I have going on and what I'd rather be doing. But I'm coming. I'm coming for you. That means the world to the person that's putting on the event. It means the world to them. And I can testify that as someone who puts on events all the time. And the reason I know that is, I get those messages. I'm coming for you. I'll be there. Normally wouldn't be out tonight. Wow. And that means a lot. And in those moments where you don't show up, have a valid reason and actually say something, don't just ghost and be completely invisible. That's the worst. You want to talk about turning away from the emotional bids. When you tell someone, I'm going to be there. I'm going to go to your show, Johnny. I'm going to be at that comedy show. I'm going to be at your improv show. And you don't show up. Don't say nothing. Ignore it. Pretend it didn't happen. Own it. I believe it's in the Vox article as well of clicking. I'm going to these events. And so the show's out two months or whatever the event is, and you clicked going, and now it's a week. Go back. Click maybe. And it's funny. Own it. Well, our marketer, Don, and I were talking. And I can't remember what it was about. We were talking about, I think it was a digital event we were doing. Perhaps it was the masterclass. I can't remember. But there was a list of RSVP for that. It was quite an impressive list. I was like, oh, wow, this is great. And she had said, yeah, I expect 30% of that. And I said, boom, that's right on the money because that's what I expect when I see the comebacks for the RSVP for any event that I've ever done. I was like, yeah, it's on the money for live or virtual. In today's day and age, it feels like there's infinite possibilities for new friendships, new experiences, new everything. And everyone seems to be about the latest and greatest. Oh, I got the iPhone XS plus plus. I got this. I got to go to this new event. Oh, this new person is launching this. There's this new opening. With all of these infinite possibilities, it can be difficult to keep track of the people that matter to us. But with a little bit of effort and energy and understanding the importance of it, we can start to piecemeal and make our way through all of this clutter so that we're showing up for the right people at the right time. Now, I understand we're connected more than ever. As Johnny was saying, how easy is it to click going to that event invite? It's the easiest thing in the world. Facebook makes it easy. And you even feel good. You're like, oh, I'm going. I'm going up. Well, when that event is a month away, of course, reading, you're like, I'm in for that. But when it's that week and you've been busting your ass and you've been working and you're drained and you're tired and I do this, I have to go back and to try to remember why it was that I have the time I click going to stuff that I don't remember why I did that or what was the purpose or because when I clicked like, I was in a different headspace. I was thinking about different things. And so with all everything going on, you kind of lose track to why you were going like, if it's your buddy's band or his art opening, that's you get. But it's like this random stuff. This is a cognitive distortion, Johnny. Daniel Kahneman broke it down for us. All right. In those moments, your brain doesn't ask how much would I enjoy doing this? That's not the question being asked. Your brain is actually asking, how great would I feel if I said yes to that person? Exactly. It feels great to say yes. Totally. I'm going to your birthday party. I will see you at the club. This is going to be awesome. You're not thinking about the actual event. You're thinking about the emotion of connection, of letting that person know I am showing up, even if it's a digital yes. Well, that's where I have to go back and try to understand why I clicked yes, going in the first place so I can remember what that was. Because on Facebook, you get so many invites to so many different things. Sometimes it could be difficult of remembering who was involved, whose band was playing, or who were you supposed to go with at times. It's hard to put it together. It's like trying to remember what was important about this event that made me say yes, and then going. And if you don't know that if you can go or not. The maybe, I still don't like it, but at least you're undecided. So on your ledger, if I'm in the maybe category, do I get a little bit of a break? It's a slight break. And what happens if I just ignore the invite? I don't give you a yes, a no, or a maybe? You know, I think that would be better than hitting yes and not going. I don't know. That's a very difficult thing. I never thought it in those terms. I have to get back to it. I think we hold on to the yes, no show more than maybe or the ignore. I think the maybe is where everyone is right now. Everyone's a kind of maybe, a totally maybe. Yeah, absolutely maybe. So I feel like maybe gets glossed over, but yes definitely stands out. When you're flaking yes, people are remembering that, especially when it's three, four, five yeses in a row. It goes like this, right? When you're planning an event, you're being vulnerable, you're putting yourself out there, you're wasting while you're putting in time and energy to make this thing happen. And when you start getting yeses in, it allows you to feel really good. My work is paying off. People care. They like my band or they like my art or they enjoy my, my comedy. And so this thing that you care about, that you've put so much time and effort into, then starts to get attention and other people liking it as well. You start to feel that all of your efforts are not for nothing and people care. So it's, and it's hard when you see all those yeses not to get built up and this is going to be a great night. And when you do it a lot, it's easier to dismiss that because it's something that you're used to. As I, as I mentioned with Don, we knew that we could expect roughly 30%, right? But for somebody who doesn't do it very often to put all this work in, it can be deflating, huh? Especially when you're the perfectionist, right? You're expecting 100% attendance and you don't get it. And you're the one who's showing up for everyone else, you don't get it. I understand that that's difficult. Here's why we are harping on this so much. When you are constantly clicking yes and doing the fake digital show up and not showing up, that reputation of flake flakiness, don't trust this person, that precedes you. That sticks with you. And people, as Johnny remembers the yes, RSVPs on his rock shows, people pay attention to the flakes. And if you're the one who's constantly saying yes and not showing up, you're going to struggle with connection. Not only do they pay attention, that, that gets stuck on your name. Oh, Jim. Oh, well, he's flaky. I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't count on Jim. And if that becomes mixed in with your name, that's the, what gets stuck on you. You're going to have a hard time beating that out because you're, you're digging yourself in a hole that you now have to climb out of. And how many of you showing up will, will negate all the times that you didn't? It's going to take some work. I love this analogy. Being the gardener of your own social garden. That's a great one. Everything we're talking about here showing up, and I mean, hell, this buzz feed list is, I believe, 65 items long. It's huge. There are a variety of ways to do this, 66. Well, I would say to go through them and check off the ones that, that you can do, right? And now you have, now you understand all the ways that you can show up and build these relationships and build trust with other people and understanding how you can fill the marble jar. And stop being so flippant about the yes. Yes. Being comfortable saying no, being comfortable showing some intent and effort. And I want to end this. I passed around a great video from Gary V to the team, actually, and it was all around customer service and what sets apart good companies from bad companies. And his entire message was around effort and intent. And in thinking about this episode, it's the same thing we're talking about here. When you put intent and effort of the other person ahead of your own, you're putting an effort into that relationship, you are showcasing your intent and showing up for that person. They feel more committed to you. They feel that there is a connection there. That is the science behind connection. Now, we can cut this and slice this a million different ways, but this is something that much like a garden takes some practice, takes getting your hands dirty, takes putting yourself out there instead of retreating into the digital space, retreating into the Facebook. Yes. Actually showing up isn't always easy, but that reciprocation happens. When you start to show up for people, you foster connection and they start to show up for you in the moments that matter.