 But I'm just honored to be here and I just love you all and thank you for coming I was teasing with Corey going who's gonna have the bigger crowd It's kind of been going back and forth on this and he's like I don't even know where my room is I'm like, I think it's in the nursery down So this is so exciting. I'm so thrilled. I work myself up My poor husband is like, oh my gosh Can I like give her a tantalizer and have her sleep and tell Tell the morning off because I've like been hyperventilating every once in a while. He'll just hear me go Like and then um Yeah, and all you that are looking at me like you're crazy are the ones that love to do this and Um, and I know that you're praying for me. So thank you for it. So just love you guys So Mike um Topic is on intimacy and um, I felt like the Lord gave that to me at the beginning of the year and I was like, okay Intimacy, what does that mean? You know, I mean what? Does that mean to be intimate with the Lord? And it was for me something that was really Scary and something that I would Do but only at arms length I would never completely be intimate with the Lord I think because of things in my life Disappointments in my life and it was just easier to be like I'll go three steps in and then I'll stop and Then it then I didn't have to be hurt I didn't have to be vulnerable. I didn't have to do those things that The Lord was calling me to like standing here or Doing whatever praying for somebody or stepping out or discipline or discipleship or even just looking inside of things in my own life and So it wasn't I Remember it was a night of worship and the Lord said to me Jane. You don't have walls. You have a fortress And I was like ouch That really that hurts. I'm 47 years old and I have watched with the Lord for 20 something years And I have a fortress and all of us Probably have something have something that we've gone through in our life That have caused us to not just have a wall But to actually have a fortress and hear the Lord say that to me after I had gotten the word intimacy I knew that he was working in my heart to tear down that fortress Because I need him we all need him in such a personal way and During worship and all that it was like the Lord just reminded me the five languages the five love languages And I love that I love the book But so many times we can put God into Those five love languages and then when we're not getting met in the ones that we Feel that we have some minds like acts of service in minds quality time and when those aren't getting met Then I Okay, guys, you don't you don't care about me. You don't love me. You don't want to be intimate with me I don't want to be intimate with you I'm gonna put up another layer of a wall and it was just like It's it's good, but we can't be limited to that and we have to Embrace it all I'm gonna jump around in my notes because I just feel like that So I think for me the greatest intimacy And my journey is disappointment Disappointment in the Lord disappointment in myself disappointment in What I think others think of me disappointment in Really the Lord and myself and and it goes back to It's crazy because some of you are sitting here going I know exactly what you think I know exactly what you're feeling and it goes back to even as a small child I mean we're called to renew our mind and we're called to do those things But the enemy can still have such a strong hold and I really believe that's why the Lord was like Intimacy like Jane you are breaking through this this year of intimacy We are tearing down the wall and you are not gonna have that barrier anymore and And so I'm gonna kind of just go through My disappointments and then I'm gonna go back and do How I was going to start I Just wanted to do that because I definitely didn't want to leave it on Note of Life is bad God doesn't come through you know what I mean that that woe is me all of these kind of things But this is my story this has shaped my life and we all have those things I'm just the one that gets to sit up here today and share it But if I called anybody up here and had them sit here, they would have their own story to share and their own Disappointments their own struggles their own Things of having to push through not just a wall, but a fortress And so I just kind of wanted to start with that and then go back and show you What the Lord has showed me just in the last five or six months So just to start off too is I I had surgery I had brain surgery and I think I talked about this a little bit last year for those who were there that I've been struggling with dystonia for which is a movement disorder is kind of on this Spectrum of like Parkinson's and all that kind of stuff and I've had it for 24 years And that definitely has caused me to Have disappointment in in the Lord because every every year We have our fast every year. That was my main focus is I'm gonna be God's gonna heal me this year from this and then the end of the 20 days one day fast would come And I would still have my dystonia, and I would still be just like God What more can I do? You know what I mean? I have prayed I have fasted You have called me to this life. I reluctantly came and and you're not Coming through for me, and I was so Disappointed and I didn't realize that and tell the end of this fast of how disappointed I was in in that in the Lord in In my own self of going what do I not have enough faith? Do I not you know all of those things that we kind of grow up believing and thinking And and yes, we have to have faith and all that but we cannot Just base when something doesn't happen We can't just throw the baby out with the bathwater and say well I have lack of faith and God doesn't love me and all those kind of things and that was something that I literally had to Work through my mind because it had been so long had been 24 years of dealing with it and So last spring My neurologist had brought up the idea of doing deep brain stimulation surgery and kind of giving me all the ins and outs of it, and I was like I Left with Lee and I was like I want to do that. I I want to do this and he was like And and for me it'd been like 24 years of living with this like I was ready to have Some relief and I was like, I don't care if it gives me 20% I don't care if it gives me 50% I want relief from this and So we took the summer and we prayed about it and then I went back in September because every three months I'd have Botox shot to my neck and And we told the surgeon that yeah We are the neurologist that we wanted to go through with the surgery and have the surgery and he goes Okay, well, we're gonna put you through a fast track Testing which was intense for two days to make sure that you're Capable and all those kind of things to have the surgery and so that's what we did We did two days of that up in Grand Rapids and then on the 6th of December when I was going back in to have my Shots again. They said that you are Qualified to have the surgery and so then it was that whole thing of scheduling it and figuring out when it was gonna be and we landed on February and And and so here we are. I don't know three months two months out from that and I'm feeling I'm feeling good and I'm feeling Strong it took a lot longer to recover from than what I would thought it was going to but Um, just for a quick update, but I am loving my hair and I did It's not having hair and then I ever think I might keep it short for a while So it's definitely ladies who are struggling with your hair. Definitely makes it so much easier in the morning Just brush it off with your towel and there you go. You throw your makeup on and you call it good So I highly encourage it But so to go back to just quick back to the disappointment. I don't want to stay there, but as a small child I repeated first grade and that for me literally even Carried me almost all through high school. It was so hard because I was old I was old for my graduating class. I was old for all of it. And so it was just this constant Reminder to me that in first grade that there was something wrong with me You know what I mean? Like it was like, well, you know, you're a senior in high school in your 19 That is weird. You know what I mean? And so then I would kind of like I Would be like, okay. Well, I'm 18, you know, like lie Basically And even to this day people like what year did you graduate and I'm like crap how old am I I'm 47 I think I graduated in 92. I graduated in 90 or 90. I graduated in 91 I mean to this day. I still want to fib about it, but and so that that and then I as a teenager I struggled with a eating disorder and That lasted probably through most of Middle school and high school or junior high, which is what we called it back then and then Because I had such low self-esteem. I dealt with Suicide and suicidal thoughts and then the sexual activity. I lost my virginity at age 14 And that if anybody that's dealt with that, which I'm sure there's people in this room that have that The enemy just loves to play on your mind and cause so much You know, he just torments you with that of going, you know, you you're worthless you All that kind of stuff exactly just lies that you just have to overcome all The time and really and give it to the Lord and I don't think that is just a one-time thing of going Okay, I'm done with it. You know what I mean? And so then By God's grace I met Lee at 19 And we got married and I and I mean that's been wonderful, but obviously has had its own Issues and all that kind of stuff probably because of stuff that I have held on to that. I haven't let go and shame and embarrassment and so I I'm not saying that through the last 25 years I've been just this hot mess of just holding on to all this kind of stuff Because I have had victory and I know that the Lord is good but I know that there's also areas in my life for victory and I feel like all of us have that, you know, that And I had said that your journey of intimacy will continue until the day you see Jesus face-to-face You're in when your faith becomes site and so it isn't a one time, you know I mean like I've arrived and I You know, we have this wonderful church and I this wonderful husband. I have these beautiful kids and all these kind of things It's like it's a daily battle and I think that's why the Lord is like every day We need to wake up and we need to renew our mind and to Press into the Lord and for what he has for us and for what he is saying to us Because we have two voices that are continually talking to us We have the voice of the enemy and the voice of the father and the enemy loves to scream He screams the father talks to us in Intimacy he talks to us tenderly. He talks to us With scripture he talks to us and our sleep He talks to us in dreams But the enemy is the one that is screaming and sometimes the voice that is screaming is the voice that you're going to hear Louder than the voice that is tenderly talking to you And so we have to have ears that are going to hear and that are going to listen and I feel like that is part of the intimacy Journey, you know, they mean of going of hearing the father's voice The the the sheep know the shepherd's voice, you know, they mean and so we have to learn How to hear the father's voice and in that? that takes an Invitation so I took intimacy, of course and broke it down into an acronym, so I Think that's what it just how I kind of work And so for I I said invitation that God invites us to join him And so in this journey, God is always Inviting us to join him that his intimacy begins with an invitation that we have to accept We accept it, you know, I mean the Lord is a gentleman He is never going to push anything on us ever and so we accept it and And and and he goes with us either way, you know what? I mean, but we determine if we're gonna trust him or if we're gonna put him in the backseat and Then the end need is a journey begins with recognizing our need And kind of like I said When I was going through our did my my disappointments, and we all have our own disappointments is Recognizing the need that we cannot do anything on our own, you know I mean I think and we talked about it a little bit today that it's so easy to think in American culture especially that you know, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and you just kind of go and you kind of plow through and and And usually it turns out okay because we live in America, you know what I mean, but Really does it, you know what I mean? What are you left with at the end of all of that? Are you exhausted? Are you tired? Do you have anything to give out to your family? Do you have anything to give out to your kids? Do you have anything to give out? No, a lot of times not because we've done it on our own and so just to remember that we that we have that need of Jesus and it says so Jesus said to them truly truly I say to you the son of God can do nothing of his accord But what he sees his father doing for whatever the father does that the son does likewise And so Jesus had to rely on the father. We have to rely on the father Which then takes time and that's intimacy and intimacy takes time It takes a time of Development and building it doesn't just happen overnight. It's like a marriage anybody that's in here. That's married It's like initially you fall in love initially you see that person and you're like oh my gosh I you know But it's that that's the intimacy that goes the long haul It's the people that have been married 40 50 60 years 30 years now, which is sad that had built the intimacy and intimacy doesn't always mean in A marriage that everything is gonna go perfect, but it always means that you're gonna go back to that center point That and that does not happen that first time that you meet somebody because honestly that isn't intimacy That's probably more lost, you know You're so hot or whatever and so you know just to recognize That kind of a thing And then to initiate we have to initiate intimacy James 4a says draw near to God and he will draw near to you And then it's like the Lord is always waiting in that secret place. You know what I mean? He's waiting for us To open that door to walk in to be intimate to give it to God he He he's there. He's waiting on us and I love that picture. I just I just Love that picture of that the father is always waiting for us and And we can screw you around and he's still kind of there and I feel like he's still kind of whispers It's kind of like a bird that you hear in the morning just chirping away and just like Hey Jane remember, you know, who's your strength? Who's the one that's gonna fill you up? who's the one that loves you and I just love that and Then when we when we pursue him he will Kindly Respond to us and he will show us things and it's just That's so beautiful too And I think I'm learning that in my intimacy journey that it doesn't always have to look perfect It doesn't always in my mind have to be this this this this that it's okay to To break it to not have gotten a box I mean we shouldn't have gotten a box but to just be like this is this is different But I know the voice of the Lord because I have spent time with him and he's speaking to me And I just and I just love that And then the more the momentum The more you do it the stronger you become and the deeper your trust grows. It's kind of like working out So I had this surgery back in February and I couldn't do anything for like eight weeks And so I was a little like oh, you know what I mean like I'm gonna lose everything which I did but um I I So I ran last week and I Ran twice and my legs were so Soar like I couldn't even get up from the toilet like I was like So so sorry and it was so sad to me because I was like before this I had been running I've been you know Uh You know just doing these other things But having that two two and a half months off of doing nothing I lost that momentum And and I feel like when we don't draw near to the father we lose that momentum You know what I mean that that strengthen that that building and you will feel it you will Feel it your muscles your heart muscles your soul Your just your your um longing for the lord is going to Feel it and you're going to be sore and there'll probably be seasons of being sad and all those kind of things So don't do it Because it isn't worth it. My legs are still sore and it's been a week. So so the momentum And and it's kind of like diet too, you know, just all those kind of things And then accept the journey the journey will come with peaks and valleys and twists and turns And it's a blessed are those whose strength is in you whose heart are on the way On the highways to zion as they go through the valley of becca. They will make it possible They will make it a place of spring the early rains also cover it with pools They go from strength to strength each one appears before god and zion And so in those areas of disappointment Disappointment in the future disappointment of the past disappointment of the now You know what I mean? We can't discredit that this the Disappointments that we even have in the now of going I feel like I'm being overlooked or you know, why isn't this happening or You know, all of those things of just going I am going to Continue on that highway and the lord sees me You know, I mean the lord is with me the lord is going to provide for me and um, even As I look back at just the the small disappointments in my life in my story, you know, I mean, um I'm just Overwhelmed and just so in love with god that he just did not leave me There in my Own disappointments in my own sorrow in my own Um Wallowing and all those things And in some of them, I mean are legit. I mean, they're true disappointments. They're they're herds. You know, some people have lost spouses and some people have lost kids and and and Parents I mean I lost my dad and was 15 or 15 years ago. That was huge. That was sad to me That was a huge disappointment. I I believed beyond anything that god was going to heal him And then when it didn't happen the way that I wanted it to happen It caused huge disappointment in me and I was I literally was so Mad at god. I I was tipped. I was so mad and I was like, I don't want to ever pray for anybody. I don't want to go to church I don't want to I don't want to do anything because I felt like I had done Everything right, you know, I mean, I prayed the prayer of faith. I had prophesied over my dad and and I looked on the leavers in the face and was like My dad is gonna live and then he passed away And and what do I do with that? You know what I mean? I was tipped And I remember I was cleaning the um bathroom at our house and I was um And the lord just stopped me right my tracks and it's probably one of the only Times I audibly heard him say to me. Are you gonna trust me? And I was just like it stopped me because I literally had to think about it because I was so Mad and I was so sad and I was so hurt and I was like Do I trust you? You know what I mean and And I was like, I have to I have no other choice than to trust you Because if I don't trust you in this, where's my life gonna go? Where are my kids gonna go? Where where where's this church gonna go that I love where are the people that I love gonna go and And god, where are you gonna go? You know what I mean? I could have walked away from it all And it could have been ugly And and I probably would not be sitting here right now Because I think it would have been just a huge opening for the enemy to be able to come in And just take my life off course And so I just encourage anybody to that just has one of those defining moments of going God You know, I'm pissed and it's okay You know, I mean like he knows and so for us to sit here and be like He knows when we're mad at him and so be honest with him And then I feel like then The heavens are open for him to come down and speak to you And it's a it's a tearing down of that fortress or that wall But if we just ignore it and go Oh, no, no, no god. I'm not mad. This is this is great It's just like you've been just shut off a part of your heart to the lord And so it's like be be angry But don't stay angry. You know, I mean and have a heart that that is Listened like I said the chirping of the bird of of of the lord being able to say to you Come on get on backtrack. I love you and now even through all that I'm able to see Things with my dad that I wasn't able to see at the time of him being faithful of Of healing that was in In him that was working through him that I did not see that I did not see as that because that was too close to And I was too hurt and all that but he drove himself to chicago, you know three days before he died I mean that's unheard of he did not look sick I mean and so it's just cool to be able to look back and go god, you are faithful You know, even when I am faithless even when I don't understand even when I'm hurt even when all of these things You are good enough to come through Into my bathroom while I'm cleaning it which is rare And tell me That you know what it's okay And do you trust me because I love you and I'm gonna be with you and I'm gonna walk with you Through it and that's exactly what he did um For me and it was and it was amazing And then it was able I was able to walk my kids through that and And probably just anybody that was watching me at the time I know it was a long time ago, but um, I do I feel like god just gave me a grace to just be able to to walk through it And then the sea is crucified The intimacy is a journey towards the cross It says if anyone could come if anyone would come on to me let him deny himself take up his cross and follow me Across is a death to the old south mind sets an identity and coming into life on our own On our on our new not our own On our new identity, you know what I mean? And it's just like I love that and I'm not even sure where it's found But that the lord has a name for us That nobody else knows but he knows you know what I mean and it's so I mean, that's so personal and it's just so beautiful that That even when we struggle even when when we have our walls up or a fortress Or we're confused or all those things that god has a name And he sings over us and he loves us and really all of it takes is just us opening up our hearts to him and just saying Lord Here I am. I don't have it figured out I'm scared I don't always hear your voice but I want to be intimate with you and he will meet you he promises that and and I love that and um Galatians 2 20 says I have been crucified with christ and I no longer live but christ lives in me The life I now live in the body. I live by faith in the son of god who loved me and gave himself for me And then I and in this it's like I could have chosen Any of us could have chosen to become lots wife Looking back in disappointment became her tomb It was like god graciously Went to sadham and gamora through um Abraham You know Abraham just wrestling with the lord like if there's just five righteous if there's just two I don't know if I have the numbers right, you know like just save them and he gets Them out and the the one thing that they knew that they could not do was turn back and look Not turn back and look at our old life not turn back and look at those old things and what did she do? She looked back and what happened then she turned into a pillar of salt And I just feel like that is bitterness. You know they mean that when we look back on things That god Graciously brought us through and then we don't Take that as what it is And we become bitter we become like lots wife We become a pillar and there's nothing that flows out of that. I mean she became a pillar of salt You know what I mean like a little salt is good a little salt makes things but a pillar of salt is not good and um And so I I just I just think in our journey In our disappointments even in our in our things that are beautiful Of not looking back because it's a new day. It's new things that god has for us and just to keep pressing forward and keep pressing on and um And not look back. I just think I just love that so None of us want to become lots wife None of us want to become That that too and I just think how sad it was That that's what she thought was good. You know what I mean? of not I'm not seeing the future of not seeing this beautiful land that the lord had ahead of her She'd rather look back at just the yuckiness of what was And um And so I just encourage all of us myself included to just keep pressing forward even when it's hard even when When we don't understand it even when things look um Not Maybe fruitful or whatever in our own mind But to not look back but to know that god has something beautiful ahead of us And then the last of it is the yield The way we arrive is by giving up The isra wander for 40 years before they refuse to yield And in that god was faithful their shoes never ran out He brought them manna. He brought them quail. He brought them the cloud by day the fire by night But that was not his best. It was supposed to be this 11 day um truck Track to where they needed to go, but it took them 40 years because they would not Surrender they would not yield. They would not trust And god had Took a whole generation that was never able to go into the promised land because of that And I don't want to ever be that you know what I mean? I don't ever want to to have That fortress up or that wall up that's so high That i'm not able to do exactly what the lord has for me or has called me to Or is is Having me pray for or believe for my kids or for my grandkids or Or my husband or any of those things And so walls as as we we choose whether we keep god in on the side On the other side of the walls at arm's length or whether we yield to him and invite him To destroy the walls of shame Disappointment insecurity and become our father in our secret place and so It's like he's waiting there, but it's our decision if we're gonna let him in and I just love that And so women we want to have in our hands So much grace and love in one hand for each other and for those that are around us But in the other hand we want to have a chisel That is ready to take down the walls that we have a lot of times put up ourselves for protection And not let the enemy use those walls to keep him out and to just Knock him knock him down. You know what I mean when we feel like things are coming up when we feel like The walls are getting taller and all those things of just going we he has equipped us to as women as warriors to pray to To believe And not to let the walls come up and think this is it. I'm trapped. You know what I mean? Like I'm on this side. He's on that side But to to knock those walls down and so I just encourage you than that And so many things that allow that we allowed to keep God at a distance He is saying give to me, you know what I mean? Don't I am your source. I am your supplier and you try to do these things on your own And when you do them on your own you become exhausted and you can't do it And and instead of being able to knock these things down You you have no strength to do it and then the enemy Can come in and I think so many times I mean, obviously he's under our feet. We're bigger But we also have to just be reminded that we have to keep renewing our mind And not let the enemy in because he will come in. He's like a lion Looking for what's weak to come in and do that And then the the final destination is just trust of just trusting that he loves us more than anything that he has a call That he has a purpose on us whatever we're doing if we're a mom if we're in the workplace if we're Pastoring a church if we're um in school if we're having kids in and new ones and whatever it is That he has a destination for us and not to to Hide from that but to just really press on and press forward to the great cause and the great is it in Timothy, you know that you've run that race and that the end of it is the crown of glory and that's what we're all going for and and so many times we use that in Funerals and all that but I believe that that's in the race that we're in today You know they mean that we get that crown every day as we push forward God doesn't say we just get one crown. We get multiple crowns I believe for every victory that we surrender to him and that we win He puts a crown on our head And then we get to lay that at his feet And I don't believe that that's just one I believe that that's many things because we all go through things. We all have things that we have to go through intimacy Is the greatest Thing that we need in our lives and I believe that that is the biggest thing that the enemy is after and so as we push forward Like I said your journey of intimacy will continue until the day you see Jesus face to face in your faith Be camp become site So it's not a sprint It's it's a marathon and it's a marathon that literally is going to take our lives But in a marathon i've never run one. I want to There are check stations. There's water. There's refreshment And so god doesn't call us to do a marathon and just like You know go run your 26 too and hopefully at the end you don't die he's Along the way these beautiful Things where there's that nasty goo and there's um water gatorade or Salt taps or you know any of those things like he has called us to run a race but he's not left us To do it on our own and I love that I love that that every couple miles on a marathon We just had it last weekend There's a water station and don't pass that water station fill yourself up Take what he has given us take what he's provided for us And then continue on to the next one and then continue on to the next one And it's probably going to be longer than 26 miles ladies That's something man came up with god We have that until we see jesus face to face and that could be years That could be miles and miles and miles But he has given us the strength to do it And I love that and I love god and I love that even at 47 In january he could talk to me and say jane You have got to pursue intimacy And I You're never too old. You know anybody that's sitting here going I have kind of pushed that aside because I've been hurt or I've had disappointment or I have that god Is no respect to her persons And so at 47 When before any of this before any of the surgery before any of that he told me You have got to pursue intimacy And I feel like each and every one of you I'm telling each and every one of you that you need to pursue intimacy and if you are Do it stronger Do it harder And you will find more of god and there's nothing more beautiful in that So Thank you. Thank you So let me quick pray for you girls before we head out and I'm not totally sure the schedule is a bit confusing So you go to lunch you can catch another session whatever, but I just want to pray for you guys Lord, we just love you so much father. We just thank you father god that in our journey father That you have called us to intimacy father god Lord that when we have walls out father god that you father god have given us the tools to tear those walls down father Lord that your heart lord is to pursue us father god To draw us closer to you father god lord that you are waiting for us in the secret place And I thank you for that god I I repent father god for running lord and I know that each and every one Lady that's sitting in this room father god too has that same heart father god We want to know you more lord. We want to have ears that hear father god We want to have hearts father god that that um Pound for you father god lord that don't pound for the next Series that's coming out on tv the next this that or the other father god But lord that we would take that time lord that we would find you in that secret place lord that you would build us up lord And father god that you would take our mistakes father god that you would take our disappointments lord And lord that you would use them father god for your glory father god You said that by the blood of the lamb and the word of your testimony or of our testimony father god that you Will use us father And so I thank you lord that each one of these ladies father god has a call has a destiny Has a testimony father god help us to be a light father god Help us to arise help us to shine father god and be all that you have called us to be jesus We thank you so much for it in jesus name amen Thank you. Thank you. Thank you