 Because the mistake that you were making back then is you were sprinting. You would start a connection with somebody and race ahead. And when you finally looked up and looked back and saw that they didn't match your pace, you would feel rejection, anger, disappointment, and that would bring out the worst in you. Hey there lovers and friends, I'm not gonna lie to y'all. I have recorded this video way too many damn times because I think it's a pretty complicated concept to explain. Which makes sense because it took me damn near a decade to recognize that I was doing it and that I was guilty of this. And so today I want to talk about the biggest mistake that I made in my intimate connections, especially in my 20s, and how that mistake caused me to be the architect of my own intimacy demise. How in many ways I was the captain of my own heartbreak without actually recognizing what I was doing at all. And for those of you who watched the video that I just put out, which detailed the story called The Snow Brush, you may have missed that this is exactly what I was trying to illustrate through that short story. If you haven't watched that video it might be worthwhile to go and watch that now and then come back to this one. We drove with the radio turned up and true to his word as soon as we got back to his place he hopped out and asked me to wait. Minutes later he emerged from the garage with a familiar yellow object. He jogged it back to me and extended its steps away making the intention for distance very clear. So the greatest mistake that I made in my intimate connections and the mistake that I was trying to illustrate with the story The Snow Brush is in life you should never gamble what you need in hopes of getting what you want. There are two massive repercussions of gambling away what you need in order to get what you want and I would love to detail those for you right now. Now the first repercussion is that if you lose you lose something that is integral to your survival and your well-being. Now the hard thing about this one is is that when it comes to emotions it's actually pretty difficult to pinpoint what it is that we need because if I'm honest with myself in my 20s there's a couple of things I gambled with that I actually couldn't afford to and one of those things was my body second was my time and third was my self-esteem and it wasn't until I pressed the stop button and made an assessment on me you know what do I need in this time and the answer wasn't pretty the answer was I needed self-love the answer was I needed knowledge more expertise I wasn't confident in myself as a contributor to society and so I use romantic relationships as a way to make myself feel important because ultimately I didn't know what my purpose was in this world and saying that out loud was really hard saying that I looked for validation that I was a worthy person through sex because I didn't feel that validation in my day-to-day life was a difficult thing to say and because I didn't recognize that about myself I continue to over invest I continue to give away my snowbrush to people and it very rarely worked out the reason why casinos stay in business is because the house always wins when you're dealing with desperate people it's very few and far between that actually end up coming out on top and so it was important for me to stop the cycle by being honest about what it was I actually needed at that time I needed to be around people who gave me affirmation I needed to put myself back into school and start really developing a skill that I was proud of and start really making a space for myself in this world I needed to let go of the idea that everyone had to like me so guys I am actually editing this video right now and I realized I have live action footage of this level up happening in real time me in my 20s versus me in my 30s I felt lost and I'd go into these meetings and be like what's up like giving my energy and like being or pretending to be the person I wanted to be but on the inside I felt purposeless I felt directionless I felt like a loser and so I guess I was just not the most fun person to be around at the time and my boyfriend laughed me or decided that you know we didn't it wasn't a good idea to be in a committed relationship because I was a stressful person to be around I meet people to this day who I'm not the right fit for friendship wise or job wise but it stops offending me or making me feel like less because I came into it knowing what my true value is if you don't that's when you get swayed into well maybe I should be accepting less because this person's so great so I have to be grateful sushi doesn't get offended if someone's like I prefer pizza it's like I'm fucking sushi the second negative side effect that comes with gambling away what you need in hopes of getting what you want is you can turn into a needy narcissist and while the words needy and narcissistic seem like they're on polar opposite ends of the spectrum they actually work together in an awful toxic cycle so a needy person values other people over themselves and thus will over invest a narcissistic person thinks that they're above everybody else thus they will under invest in others also in both of these types their relationships are solely based on their insatiable hunger for validation and love can't live on that diet and so what ends up happening is that a lot of needy people over correct by becoming narcissistic a lot of narcissistic people over correct by becoming needy but the truth of course lies in the middle a healthy individual is secure a healthy individual takes measured logical risks a healthy individual stops supplying when there's not demand in return a healthy individual stops demanding if they don't see a supply so in the story of the snow brush what would end up happening is I would do something for this individual and if they didn't immediately reciprocate in the way that I wanted I would shut down altogether and give nothing at all when I actually spoke to mark on the phone last year the one thing that he kept reiterating is how emotionally unavailable I seemed how difficult he thought it was to have honest conversations about feelings and I can completely see where he was coming from because I was deathly afraid of vulnerability I was deathly afraid of actually being honest not only with myself about what I needed and what I should keep back for me but with other people about what I was looking for and return from them and as a result I just ended up yo-yoing between these two points and I can see how someone will get tired of that why did it always end up this way what was I missing what did I do wrong why not me here's the advice that I would give myself the version of me that experienced the snow brush story I would say sham booty slow down slow down I know that you're in a rush to feel loved I know that you're in a rush to feel connected to feel wanted to feel desired but nothing worth having comes quickly and that also applies to orgasms your best orgasms take a while if you're honest with yourself but when it comes to romantic connections you honestly cannot rush to the finish line and the joy is in the mutual slow explorative process and finding your right person is only possible through this mutual slow and explorative process so do yourself a favor and remember that healthy intimacy is built one small step at a time when you take that small step forward with somebody stop stop and pay attention to two things one how do you feel in this new ground do you feel comfortable do you feel good because if you don't there is no shame in going back number two did the other person join you did they take that step with you and now that they are there with you you can ask each other the question what do we want to do do we want to stay here for a while and play in this space of mutuality or again ultimately are we ready to turn back and through that slow process one you will find that you are never giving more than you can actually handle to lose because the mistake that you are making back then is you were sprinting you would start a connection with somebody and race ahead and when you finally looked up and looked back and saw that they didn't match your pace you would feel rejection anger disappointment and that would bring out the worst in you when that ended i felt like he was my life partner soulmate and that that was taken away from me and i felt like i found it like i found my dream come true and i had to wake up and it was i was angry if you enjoyed this video i genuinely think you will love my book the game of desire because this is what i did i worked with six women who were constantly coming up short in the intimate space and we troubleshooted we changed and then i challenged them out of their comfort zone so in the book you're going to find both a story a true story of our experience and self-help tips that you can learn vicariously from that is my sales pitch but here is the sales hook i have found a way to ensure that we both can level up without you having to pay a single dollar and i thought this was genius of me so i partnered with audible and with audible you get a one month free trial and you get a free book plus two audible originals it's not a sponsored video i'm just saying i think this is freaking amazing so audible and me partnered and so if you go to audible.com slash shan booty you can get my book the game of desire you can try out audible for the month if you don't like it you ain't got to stay but with that trial you get to support my book for free i thought this was so smart and it actually really hurt my feelings yesterday when i went in the comment section and i saw people complaining by me asking you to make an investment in me that's not going to cost you anything i want you guys to understand that i am constantly mindful about the mutuality of our relationship i am constantly thinking about how i can provide more value for you and above all else how i can ask less of less of you and level me up at the same time so this to me was the perfect way to do that but of course i'm always open to feedback if there are better ways that i can provide value for you that makes sense let me know this is a constant dialogue that we can have just like i hope you're having a constant dialogue with yourself about your own investment and other people and that's how i'm bringing it full circle i'm done i'm out