 Preamble loneliness what predicts whether you'll be alive one year after a hard attack? You're a very lucky man according to Oxford professor Robin Dunbar pretty much two things how many friends you have and whether you smoke Oh my god loneliness isn't just something that makes you sad. You see loneliness kills It's as powerful as smoking or alcoholism one morning while on a trip to Australia I picked up a magazine left in an Airbnb and found myself reading an article about George Valiant's Harvard study of adult development a study that tracked the health of 268 Harvard sophomores starting in 1938 and this study spanned nearly 80 years with the goal of figuring out What makes a good life and the surprising finding from 80 years of research is that our relationships now happy? We are in those relationships as a powerful influence on our health and our satisfaction with our lives good Relationships keep us happier and healthier period research has linked loneliness to higher risks for high blood pressure heart disease obesity a weakened immune system Anxiety depression cognitive decline Alzheimer's disease and even death and the trend line is not looking good 28% of men under the age of 30 more than one in four report having no close social connections Zero but there's more to the picture than meets the eye Surprisingly, how much time we spend around other people is not the biggest determinant of whether we are lonely or not a 2003 study showed on average lonely people actually spend as much time with others as non lonely people do so then what is Loneliness it's actually a physiological reaction to the feeling that no one has your back that you're on your own To survive loneliness sends your brain into perpetual high alert mode in research experiments lonely people notice risks twice as fast as Non-lonely people in other words your body's reaction system believes that if things go wrong that no one is coming to help So loneliness is not just about how many friends we have It's a matter of personal safety both imagined and real and it's an issue of quality It's about not having a feeling of meaningful connection and in a Western culture focus on Individualism loneliness is a cultural pathology and real authentic friends are the answer. I love you Not that way Chapter zero. What is a friend really in the book plays well with others author Eric Barker asked the question What is a friend really in order to find out he turned to science? Neuroscience researchers put people into an MRI machine and asked them questions about friends Not surprisingly the areas of the brain for positive emotions lit up, but that's not all so did the parts of the brain associated with self-processing when women heard the names of their close friends their gray matter Responded the same way it did when they heard their own name. So what is a friend friend is another self It's a part of you as far as our brains are concerned The people we care about become a part of us and you might find it hard to believe But it's actually been found that true friendships make us happier than spouses or children Friendship is unique in that it's 100% voluntary with no clear definition and few societally agreed on Expectations if you go six weeks without speaking to your spouse, you can probably expect divorce papers You asking me for a divorce? If you don't talk to a friend for that long for most of us, it's not really a problem Well, that also makes it difficult to keep friendships going the fact that a friendship is purely voluntary puts it in a category of its own Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it How do we make more friends chapter one right here right now? You ever go to a restaurant with a date and you guess what other people are saying or how long they've been together Basically any game that involves the present moment and reacting in real time to what's happening right in front of you getting out Of your head he is a successful financier And she is getting drunk enough to get through what's gonna happen later. He's gonna call her by his mom's name Being present and in the moment is necessary to create a real connection with anyone Presence or lack thereof is why a first date where everyone talks about their job is boring But one where your people watching is fun One has to do with routines and thoughts and the other is reacting to the present moment when you're in a new place Country school job or even on a first date. We're often so overwhelmed about the current situation We automatically find ourselves talking about what's right in front of us instead of complaining or thinking about something that happened yesterday That's why travel makes being present so easy We have to react to a new environment and our brain is paying attention We're much more present than we usually are and this presence creates the conditions necessary to form intense connections But you don't have to be in an Indian rickshaw to make new friends or fall in love You can start to create magical moments by simply communicating what's going on right in front of you Take notice of your environment and what emotions you and your conversation partner are Experiencing in real time and talk about them and it doesn't need to be an attractive partner of the opposite sex to bring your a game Friend dates work a lot like tinder dates do if you already know what works with dates Try flirting with your friends also known as just feeling good in the moment and see how it goes It really was Chapter 2 Climb the Mountain if you've ever seen the movie speed You know Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock got it on after their terrifying ordeal the shared struggle and the adrenaline From tackling a problem together can do wonders to bring you closer to people as psychologist Elaine Hatfield said Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder It's so strong an effect that in the 1974 Stockholm Bank hostage situation that lasted six days One hostage later became engaged to one of the hostage takers and another developed a legal defense fund to assist their captors After being held hostage for six days I know humans are weird imagining being held up with a machine gun for six days and wanting to marry that person Not only does challenge adversity and excitement bring you into the present moment But it also creates a shared struggle with whoever you're sharing the experience with if you want to build a deeper relationship with someone Work towards a common goal choose one that will challenge you and test what you're made up a crossfit class an intramural Kickball program a coaching program to start a business This is where I've made tons of friends a theater group to put on a play Just don't make it a hostage situation when all you really need is a moderate hike or running club Chapter three put in the time swipe swipe swipe. We live in a world of instant gratification Humans are hardwired to bond with other humans and spend enough time with someone It's almost impossible not to form a relationship with them our ability to bond help us beat out the Neanderthals It's part of our programming but in the age of tinder and infinite choice It's easy to write someone off after meeting them once and thinking they're not the right person But how much do you really know about someone after only one meeting? Psychologist has repeatedly found one of the biggest indicators of a relationship is how much time we spend in physical proximity of the other person Researcher Jeff Hall found that it took as many as 60 hours to develop a light friendship 100 hours to reach full-on friends and 200 or more hours to unlock the best friend status And it's the reason why in past times we often found our friends through school work or church And why our adult friends are often people we live with work with or generally spend time with doing another activity So give people a chance and if you meet a new friend you have to make an effort to repeatedly spend time with them in new Environments before judging the relationship. So say it again making friends is just like dating You have to make plans express interest and follow up to see each other again And sometimes it really does take more than one date to feel a connection Even if it's just to make a friend now the easiest way to do this as an adult is to form a ritual Something that repeats on autopilot a weekly book club or poker game a monthly trip to the movies a daily trip to the gym an annual vacation to Mexico Ritual is the key to unlocking time spent together. You want to go do karate in the garage? Yep And now a quick word from our sponsors Starting and scaling a business is hard enough as it is You don't have to do it alone learn how to use the power of marketing to build a life You don't need a vacation from and join the WFA family at digital nomad.com Chapter four like the same food It's one of the strongest indicators of who will like is our shared values as humans We tend to like people who are like us or who are how we want to be just become best friends. Yep You like pizza me too Let's be best friends our government forming a disinformation governance board aka Ministry of Truth scares you me too Let's hang out you want to build an empire and take over the world We're gonna get along just fine But according to the book click by Ori and Ron brothman which draws on the research of dawn burn PhD It doesn't matter which topics underlay the similarity. It's the degree of similarity. That's important That means you might disagree with your new friend on the existence of God or a woman's right to choose But still enjoy the same TV shows eat the same food and read the same books and you could get along just fine Well, I'm still skeptical if people with completely opposite political views can be best friends One thing we can agree on is this the more shared values and similarities the more likely you are to bond So ask your conversation partner questions to uncover what you have in common Even if it's a similar taste in food movies and yes, even your zodiac sign The more the better and in order to find this out You have to actually dig and get down to the real questions which brings me to my next point Chapter five safe is risky risky is safe One weird thing about life is that people trying to avoid risk all together often take the most risk Don't want the risk of starting a business you're creating a situation of depending on your job Where if you get fired you may not have the skills or the opportunity to find another one And you're capping your income taking the biggest risk of all You get the very thing you avoid and the same thing happens with people Don't want to share something personal about yourself because you don't want to get rejected You're risking the other person not feeling a connection rejecting you and leaving The same thing you were trying to avoid when you didn't want to share in fear of rejection You share something with me that's difficult in order for me to be truly empathic I have to step into what you're feeling and that's vulnerable So there can be no empathy without vulnerability Taking no risk is the biggest risk of them all and in life you get what you fear And when it comes down to it deep connections are built on intimacy Intimacy is sharing your reality with someone else and knowing your state And then being able to share their reality with you and also be safe So in order to be intimate you have to be vulnerable Which means exposing yourself emotionally And once you're vulnerable with someone and they react in a way that makes you feel safe The conditions necessary for trust and intimacy form If you're open and honest with someone first They're much more likely to be open and honest with you So try to figure out your weird shared interests in anime and pokemon go Share yours first Want to connect over an embarrassing experience Share that time you fainted on stage Volunteer less than flattering information about yourself Ask risky questions Be painfully honest about yourself Your thoughts, your fears, and your flaws And it's likely that your conversation partner will feel inspired by your openness Now you have to maintain awareness of social cues And give the relationship time to progress Don't overshare but break the intimacy ice And the relationship when you didn't want to share and fear of rejection So do we need to hug here or? No we're alright So in summary you have to date your friends Pretty much like you would date a significant other That means step one Be present Step two confront challenges together Step three put in the time Step four connect over shared interests and values And step five be vulnerable And remember humans can be a little sticky at times Just trying to get in a knock down fight in the front yard While getting to know someone Let me know in the comments How did you meet your last insta bestie that you made Have you ever experienced a quick set intimacy And what are your biggest challenges in making new connections as an adult What are you going to try differently And what do you want to see next