 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan as I have Johnthasic.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this This video for you today our topic the five hidden Insecurities most men feel but they're afraid to talk about and these are the insecurities that cause them to Shut down or pull away. So I'm really excited to be sharing this live stream Q&A with you all today and for those listening to the recording really quickly if this content here Resonates with you and you'd like more of a personal touch Check out the links below to a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches right for you And if you can't afford coaching check out the link to my group called midlife love mastery where it's a group where you can Have direct access to me on a daily basis for just $20 a month. So that's called midlife love mastery All right, we're just going to jump into this topic. That's the way I roll and It really quickly for those that are watching the live Please post a comment or please post a question because this is a Q&A Alright, so the five hidden Insecurities that cause men to shut down or pull away now before I really get too deep in this I just want to say that both men and women alike Are suffering from fears and insecurity. So while this is a topic about men Women equally have insecurities as well So I don't want to discount that there are any women listening to this watching this going well What about women? Okay, and I will absolutely discuss that as well In fact, I'll kind of weave that into this conversation today since my audience is mostly women seeking advice about men and Trying to understand men who are commitment ready versus those who might be struggling with these insecurities That's what I want to dive into today. Okay, so what cause what causes someone to shut down or pull away? Well, the reality is is we are we as human beings all have fears and insecurities I repeat that we all have fears and insecurities and so this grand Expectation that we as humans have to be perfect has to at least from my perspective We there would there needs to be a level of compassion because this Expectation and I'm speaking as a man right now this expectation that we are Chivalrous and we will claim you and we know exactly what we want and we're just so confident and you're only attracted to Confident men and because if you're not confident, I'm gonna throw you out with the garbage kind of thing And I'm kind of exaggerating here or being theatrical Well, I say this because this oftentimes is what I hear what I feel in the dating realm about us men and So I want to address these issues and again women have the same issues as well So let's jump in with the first hidden insecurity and this is okay The first and the fifth are the most critical ones and the three in between are Hugely important that this first one is so critically important to understand why so many men shut down and pull away in relationship so Biologically speaking and from the caveman perspective we men have been conditioned Throughout time, you know in memorial Is that right say is that the right saying that? We are supposed to be the providers and the protectors that we are supposed to be the provider and protectors This is bred into us from a DNA perspective from the caveman perspective Now why this is so critically important is yes from a default perspective We men do have a desire to be the provider and protectors for our mate Okay, and I really want to lean in we do have this deep desire Okay, and throughout history, you know because we were such a patriarchal society where men were on top and women were here is That women didn't work and generate income to be able to support and we were the ones that went out to war and such That it seemed natural that we were the provider and protectors And then around the 60s things to begin to change and Thankfully so because throughout history women have become Dependent upon men to be those provider and protectors and now because we're no longer living in What we'll call it wartime from a protector standpoint That the provider role has shifted as well. In fact women Have now I'm in it I'm not going to discount the fact that there is a wage Disparity between men and women although if a man makes a hundred thousand a year and a woman makes a hundred thousand a year There's no wage disparity between the two of them And I'm not talking about their work environments. I'm just saying is I'm going off on a tangent, but I think you get my point here But I want to go back to the insecurity is that now women certainly don't need men to take care of them financially, okay, and Yet we've been so bred with this that especially for midlife men And that's the men in my category the men that are midlife is after baby making years and before retirement So 42 to 69 that's my predominant demographic of who my coach Okay, and with such a high percentage of people being divorced in that age bracket it's not unlikely that men may not be in a capacity to be a provider and So this insecurity causes us to shut down I know I've experienced this on a personal level and at one point I used to make a quarter million dollars a year in the corporate insurance world And then I got I lost my job and everything was taken away from me with the market crash of 2008 and I felt incredibly insecure being able to live up to this expectation or even the inner expectation I have but certainly the societal expectation of this Why is this so important because many men shut down because of this and let me just say this for those who are watching who live in the United States 80% of Americans make less than a hundred thousand a year and a Significant if not 90% barely have one two or three months of savings in the bank so from a dating perspective the Expectation Oftentimes put a lot puts a lot of weight on us, and I'm not suggesting you're making that expectation But society in our own inner expectation This is why it's so critically important to talk about money in the early stages of dating In fact, everyone who follows my work knows that I talk about the book eight dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman and in this book one of the most important chapters centers around money and This is a book that you should do I talk about this This is the kind of book to have a conversation with someone before the penis gets to go inside the vagina Not saying it has to but certainly if you're going to explore a relationship with someone money is an important Conversation because money ends up being 50 the cause of 50% of divorces here in the United States so I Just want to put this with this Narrative that is so ingrained that men are supposed to be the leaders and the payers and all this Can cause a lot of weight on men to shut down and pull away And I bet you many men have disappeared ghosted for this reason and they didn't speak up and talk about it Okay That's number one Number two and by the way feel free to post questions I'll be taking a few questions in a second number two he fears He fears you're thinking about your ex or you want to get back together with your ex This is something that you know, it's interesting in the time This is a picture of my mother and father when they're in their early 20s My mother had only one man in her life I mean sexually only one man and basically only dated one man in her life And they were together almost 66 years before my mother passed away Excuse me for a second. And so she's not even she I mean she would have no comprehension of what most of us have experienced and today's Single who's over 45 years old has most likely had up to three to six significant relationships and Any worse from five to 25 sexual partners By age 45 or 50 now, that's not it This is anecdotal from my perspective, but I want you to check in you know make a check mark If you dated anyone more than three or six months check How many those were and you may want to go back to think of how many sexual partners you've had okay? I'm saying this is when we've had that many significant people in our lives There's a strong possibility that there might be an attachment to one of those people I know after my significant relationship ended. I was very attached to her and even though I knew we weren't right for each other And we did a beautiful conscious uncoupling in fact Really quickly. I'm gonna pull out the book by Catherine Woodward Thomas called conscious uncoupling and my girlfriend and I are in here on page 220 and 221 There's even we're in here. I'm in this book And even after our conscious uncoupling I still had feelings for so we have a fear You know just like I had feelings for her you can have a feeling for someone and we men have an insecurity about it It's a hidden insecurity This is why it's so important to discuss our past relationships in a healthy way and Catherine talks about it in her book conscious uncoupling Okay, now really quickly I'm gonna check the board to see if there's any questions that have come in and I want to say hi to everybody That's on live. So thanks so much. If you do have a question, please feel free to post it I'd be honored if you do And I want everyone to recognize that the provider protector thing I shared with women have the same Insecurity around money as well not the exact same from our perspective From the caveman perspective, but let's face it. We all you know being able to provide for ourselves can be a very very heavily weighted thing that makes us fear being intimate with someone and Certainly what I said about an axe can go as well We fear that you might have a past love for an axe that might cause friction in our relationship And you might experience this as well So this isn't singular to men even though this topic is the five the five hidden insecurities that men feel That caused them to shut down or pull away, but they don't talk about so Really quickly again, if you want to post a question, please post a question right there in the live chat I want to thank everyone really quickly Okay, the third hidden insecurity and this one is such an important one to talk about Had it so weird to see by the way, these are my new glasses. I think I mentioned it By the way, someone asked do I have progressive glasses? Yes, I do. I have a progressive pair of glasses here Here are my progressives. I have to tilt my head a little bit to see clearly And it with these are cool as they got a little blue in there. So they're black with little blue. Anyway, okay I'm going off subject. I want to get back on track Okay, so the third hidden insecurity That men don't talk about and yet experience and I'm sure what I'm about to share is gonna resonate with you centers around body image body image body image and The reality is is what men and women alike suffer from the fear of Rejection based on body image and for men it might be losing one's hair. I Got to tell you mom and dad. Thank you so much You gave me one of the core things that most women Appreciate is I'm lucky to have a full head of hair and I'm in my mid 50s And I don't color it and people are flabbergats although I do have a little bit of gray right here I got a little bit of gray here, too Okay, so losing one hair that can cause a tremendous amount of insecurity to a man I know a lot of men wear baseball caps because they're afraid of their hairline Okay The other thing what did I write down here? They're with me a second. Oh This one is so so huge and so undiscussed centers around our penis size We I mean men I mean men can have a significant fear around this idea of Do we have a large enough penis? I did a I did a workshop once with 50 men and We were required to be naked a Significant period of time and I got to tell you, you know, it's weird to check out another guy's penis But we were looking and I got to tell you there were some people that were absolutely riddled with shame Because they were being seen and exposed for the size of their penis And then there was this guy hung like a horse and I'm like, oh my god. I was like so jealous But I'm here to say that yes, this is a part of body image that men experience centered around penis size and we can cause us to shut down And pull away in relationship. Again, if you have a question, please post it in the live section. I'd really appreciate it Next This is something I've wrestled with centered around my belly my weight Okay, and ladies, you know this as well. I it's interesting. I I'm looking back to some videos. I shot a few years ago and I'll be candid with you I went through a year and a half ago. I decided to eat cleaner I decided to change the way I eat and I effectively lost about 20 20 some odd pounds 20 22 pounds And then I looked at myself in the mirror or looked at some pictures of me compared to where I was a couple years ago And I was so embarrassed at myself for thinking I mean I was judging myself for being fat. In fact, I'll be candid with you Even during this pandemic I've put on a few pounds and I feel a level of shame. Will I be rejected? Will I be judged? Well, I mean do I have to like exercise? You know for three hours straight before I shoot this video so I can drop a quick five pounds I mean I now I may not like not every man may think this way and I'm being a little bit again theatrical And yet as men age their metabolism Begins to decrease that testosterone drops and this causes us to put on weight just like with women And we can fear rejection and we can cut shut down and pull away Simply for that reason as well. That's not uncommon And last but not least around body image centers around height You know, I know women five foot two that claim they will not date a man who's less than six feet tall And I'm like you're five foot two And when the average height of males is five nine and a half or I think it's five nine I mean again mom and dad. Thank you. I'm six foot two. So I'm blessed I'm in the category that women love and yet so many men are not in that category and there's such a propensity To judge men who are not that height because they can't be the protectors Although I will say this Bruce Lee was five foot six and he could kick the crap out of anybody So the ability to protect someone is not based on height. It's a egoic perception And yet we get rejected for that and by the way men reject women for the same reason body image reasons as well And these cause us our insecurities to shut us down or pull us away All right, I'm going to check to look at some of the questions because I see this came in Helen writes. Oh and by the way, we have two more that I'm going to discuss I'll be sharing in a little bit. Helen writes Do you think that that could be because the increased access to pornography due to internet? Okay, great question. Now. I'm assuming we're relating to penis eyes Was that the question Helen, but um I i'm going to address the pornography for a second. Yes the advent of of easy access to pornography has made Men's ability to actually be intimate with women. I believe is caused um a block and I believe this access to sexual gratification through pornography has Debt created a detriment in relationships And I think it's because so many couples do not know true erotic connection true. Do I have the book? There's a book by david data Enlightened sex, but the vast majority of men and women do not really have The skills to know what's called is erotic connection and I like what est where's the book I have Um ester perell is an expert on this. She wrote a book called mating in captivity And she talks about erotic connection So important to develop a real healthy sex life with your partner So there isn't this need to go to pornography to fill one's desires and I will say it is a detriment I'm not an expert in this but I I Helen. I really appreciate your question. All right Kimberly writes july will be three years that I lost my husband Of 24 years and 26 years together. I was 19 when we got together I feel I'm ready to date again. My question. Is there a time limit to move forward? Uh, great question. In fact, I'm going to address that in a few minutes because it happens to be Something I wanted to talk about but kimberley. I will definitely address that in a second um Ale writes besides the penis size if it still works properly or not Okay, I'm going to talk about that next so the fourth Hidden insecurity sent for men centers around sexual performance sexual performance I know as I've aged I'm going to own it. I need to use the blue pill I and I just don't have that like I used to And on some level I'm embarrassed and ashamed um That and I and most women today don't have an issue with it. I've had conversations and it's been relatively Um benign in the conversations and yet I have felt shame if I didn't pop a pill when it was time You know kind of things so I'm just going to say and then my ability to actually um Cause someone to orgasm. I mean if it doesn't happen I I feel a sense of shame and it might cause me to withdraw or pull away On the flip side. I was with a woman once she was giving me oral sex And I wasn't able to ejaculate uh back in the day when I drank a lot and did a shitload of cocaine It was really hard and I watched and witnessed right her in front of me shut down and pulled away Because she thought she couldn't please me So just as a woman can feel this a man can feel this as well It is not singular to the idea of sexual performance And you know feeling insecure about that is not singular to men or women. It is both genders This is why I'm such a big proponent Of injecting ourselves with self-love with self-love in fact what hey if everyone knows me I wrote a book called what the heck is self-love anyway by jonathan asley. There's the back cover by the way Very proud of this book if you haven't ordered it check out the link below to my book In fact all the books I recommend there's a link to jonathan recommends there's a link to self-love the book This is where you know giving ourselves a big gigantic hug of self-love is so critically important because Humans we humans have fears of being able to Please our partners to make our partners happy to know that they love us and and validate us And so this is where the stew of all this Fear is going on In fact, if you're not familiar with my podcast called the what would love do podcast I talk about the number one emotional health issue facing everybody And that is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable and I'm not likeable Let me repeat that. I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likeable And nothing triggers these fears like dating mating and relating I mean seriously the dating process triggers this over and over and over again. I'm not good enough I'm not lovable. I'm not likeable for the reasons. I'm suggesting here in this video so sexual performance Is weighs heavily on us and certainly penis size is a reflection of that. So I hope I answered your question all right My sympathies and prayers for you to find a gray. Oh, by the way, this is leaf says to Kimberly and by the way, Kimberly I want to give you a big gigantic hug to lose a partner is devastating as many know I lost my 19 year old son Connor to an accident And the traumatic effects of that is Emotionally devastating and I'm going to talk about this in a second, but I want to take another question before I do Catherine writes I read if the Buddha dated and I think you could achieve true erotic sexualism through spiritual connection High from Vermont. Okay. Where is my book of? Uh, bear with me a second I thought oh there it is. It's right in front of me if the Buddha dated. Oh my god ladies I love love love Catherine. Thank you I love love love this book because it takes away the penis and vagina Out of the conversation and it's more centered around What does that t-shirt say self love when we love on ourselves and choose partners that are also in that capacity? That we focus on the love and not the gender expectations. This is what's causing So much of the angst in the dating realm today centers centers around gender expectations this is why I don't have the book, but I listen to the cd return to love by Marianne Williamson Return to love by Marianne Williamson. I love love love this cd. I love the book Because it's all centered around Approaching the dating mating relating process from the heart and not from gender expectations My whole whole coaching program is all centered around we have to throw out the gender expectations We have to throw out this Okay, I'm saying we have to throw it out from my perspective But this whole retic are about masculine and feminine and the masculine does and the feminine receives And when a woman is in her masculine, she's controlling and she's manipulating and she's doing and when a man is in his feminine He's weak and insecure. Those are the stupidest ludicous things. I've ever heard in my life. First off compassion Empathy kindness care is not feminine nor masculine It is just a human trait Let me repeat that that's a human trait to be to be You know controlling manipulative and stuff Those are our insecurities coming up that is neither masculine nor feminine. It is both a human experience This is why i'm so effing tired of the rhetoric around masculine and feminine energy because it is so misused and what it does ladies It creates a divide between men and women because feminine is considered female and masculine is considered male. Let's be real Because the way the narratives are discussed It's basically saying when ladies when you're in your masculine, you're being controlling. You're trying to manipulate the outcome Well, then what you're saying is men are controlling and manipulating the outcome when they're in their masculine But we'd like to cherry pick this to make it out to work in our advantage because the reality is is And I appreciate the feminine energy rhetoric only in the sense of empowerment I am all in favor on being empowered who I flex my muscles Got a little bit of fat there. I'm a little embarrassed I'm all about in being empowered, but I'd rather empower you to be an adult in a relationship This is why I love the book Read that title How to be an adult in relationships? This is more important than being in your feminine or masculine energy is be an effing adult Be an emotional adult And sadly most people are struggling in this capacity because they lack true emotional maturity Is this sinking in if it is please post a comment below. All right um Of course men have insecurities just like virginia's rights. Of course men have insecurities Just like me my partner needs to know he pleases me is attractive visually and physically to me If they're good men they care about your feelings too. Yes, we men men and women We would be better served by better communication because men need encouragement too just like women need invalidation It is so critically important To have it on both sides. This is why it's not masculine or feminine to be compassionate, kind and caring Now I know the book men are from mars women are venus men women are from venus is an over generalization How men do certain things a certain way and women do certain things a certain way But at the core at the core we all want to feel safe How we get there might be slightly different But it's not that different when we're all suffering from insecurities And I've mentioned four today and i'm going to get to the fifth one in a moment I I still want to take some questions, but I want to play a little music first Does anyone know this song? All right, that's all you get for now. All right, let's take another question. I love doing that Uh, I totally agree with fast masculine fast fast masculine feminine and masculine. Thank you so much Epic mom Do you have any strategies for restoring optimism when it comes to dating? My expectations are so low based on experienced meeting men not on the same page that I've not dated in over three years Great question scuba girl Look it I'm gonna say dating is a fucking mess. It is a crazy I mean, let's just call it for what it is It could be so easily to it can so easy to be discouraged In the dating process that you may not want to put yourself out there This is why going back to my book self love is the antidote to inner suffering So the pain you might you might be experiencing is a lack of inner peace So my book is a journey of personal development self help and spiritual work And why this is so critically important is that when we feel centered within ourselves Then it doesn't matter what the outcome of dating is you can approach it from an open receptive place but if we start from a place of fear and Resentment and judgment and jaded and bitter then you're just only going to attract more of that This is why I highly recommend. Where's the book the book the book. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes this book The untethered soul by michael singer. Oh my gosh the untethered soul by michael singer This will help shift your mindset from that Fear-based way of thinking to more of a loving compassionate place along with don't forget return to love by mary Ann Williamson. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes It's going to require some shift within and that's my invitation for you scuba girl All right, um That was not duran duran. Oh someone sassy did get it too. It's level 42 something about you. All right, uh When a man is boner, okay When a man is vulnerable enough to show these insecurities to to you to take notice and reassure He is trusting. Yes. So one of the core elements men and women alike need is to feel safe to feel trust okay, and Honestly, it takes men longer to feel trust in a relationship than a woman Men need more time women tend to bond with men Because oxytocin is released during sex. So you become attached to a guy But a man doesn't get attached to a woman until he feels safe with her And the only way that's going to happen ladies I'm going to tell you all the talking on the phone Does zero help I mean does minimal amount of help of securing trust trust is built through experiences This is why i'm a big proponent of doing social activities hobbies mutual interest Spending time with family and friends and physical intimacy on a regular basis So it builds the roots to trust now. Those are just examples in my coaching program My five week bootcamp. I go into the deeper emotional details to build trust in relationship So if you need some support and help on that check out a link to a free discovery call with me to see if Working with me is right for you, but I talk about the importance of understanding how to build that trust with a man I'm giving you some of the Guidelines, but we go into it much deeper in my coaching program. So I hope I answered your question there Seven years Uh satori writes seven years after I broke up with an ax He reappeared out of the blue recently inquiring how am I doing my love life and said he always cares for me I moved on he's engaged and invites me and my my mom to his wedding odd Um, I'll I you know my I don't look at that as odd I if I cared for someone I may not be in want to be in relationship with them I the woman I spoke of about the conscious uncoupling. She's someone I care about deeply I don't want to be in relationship with her, but I want to know how she's doing and I certainly would invite her to my wedding In fact, I might ask her to do it at her home because she has a beautiful home I might do that By the way, I'm friends with her now live in partner. So he and I go play golf together But I share this it is not odd at all. That is actually a sign of love Why do we have to judge signs of love as being something nefarious? How about he just cares about you and you're he you mean something to him? I look at that That's the way I look at it. You know, we can look at it however we want Um No human after all to be human after all yes So I'm going to get to that fifth uh insecurity in a second Little more music See it was love. I mean, that's what I love these songs. I'm a big 80s fan To be huge. Oh, I was going to say to be human after all All right, you get my gist to be human after all And ultimately sometimes it's just something about you that makes you different and sometimes that's how two people click All right, do we have any more questions that have popped up? Um All right, looks like uh We're waiting on a few so all right I'm going to get to that fifth hidden insecurity now and this is a critically important one as I said before It's not so much an insecurity. It's uh understanding of what causes the insecurity Um, I want to talk about unhealed traumas unhealed traumas We as humans can experience traumas in our childhood. We can experience our traumas in adulthood Oftentimes if we had a contentious relation if we had contentious parents Parents that went through divorce parents that fought parents that might have been physically abusive to their children these traumas Can cause us to be absolutely insecure and fear intimacy as an adult I'm gonna repeat that these you childhood wounds and traumas can cause negative patterns limiting beliefs in one life That makes it very difficult to be intimate with another human being and so You know, this is why I'm such a big proponent of the work of the oops Of the Hoffman process the Hoffman process Okay, this is a workshop. I did it's a inner child workshop. I did I actually did it live. This is the book version of it But just ordering this book and doing some of the work is going to trigger all kinds of shit within side of you I swear to god, it's going to trigger stuff But the importance of it is that when we address our childhood wounds Because these unresolved wounds Can trigger us in so many different ways in relationships It can trigger sometimes the most benign thing and make us go crazy in relationship when they're unresolved traumas Now I want to go back to um the person who wrote about her husband passing away That's I just talked about childhood wounds and traumas. What about adult traumas? What about losing someone in our family a parent a loved one of um A spouse or god forbid in my case connor Oh god, there I go I didn't expect to go there. Um I lost connor two and a half years ago. Gosh. It's coming up on three now And I'm not so uncertain that part of the reason why I'm still single right now is I have a fear of abandonment On other words not that connor intentionally abandoned me But that's what it feels like it feels like when we've lost someone special in our lives It can be such a betrayal on this on the idea that he was going to be there for the rest of my life because it goes outside of the natural order of things and um Oh gosh, and so I'm just giving my personal example and so I'm not I'm not I'm not immune to The feelings of just being human and so as emotionally mature as I'd like to think I am and is as demonstrative and and uh intentional as I think I am in my life I can have just as many fears because of and not and this is a trauma that never gets resolved You know and so this is why so many people struggle Developing this first that leads to this Let me repeat that makes it so hard for people to develop this first Which leads to this and this is the joining of two people and then this is the commitment of two people And so it's not You know, we we have to look at a person in their totality and not this expectation again Shivery claiming, you know, men are the leaders and all and I'm saying this because I honestly I'm tired of that rhetoric We if we could just treat each other as human beings If we could just treat each other in the dating process like you're meeting a friend Instead of the expectation of the someone is supposed to do something for us to feel good about ourselves Is this sinking in is this resonating so unresolved traumas? Just like the one i'm speaking of with my own son can be one of the reasons what causes someone to shut down or pull away um Okay joy and by the way, thanks for the hugs everyone um joy asked this is going to sound shallow. How do you get past the scuffy images of men today online dating profiles can be little Can be little to go by and sound like they want a buddy even when they say something else How do I get this is gonna how do I get past the scruffy images? Okay um You know, it's so funny ladies I gotta tell you the images I You know see of women is just as equally bad You know, I mean if I pulled up on my if I pulled up on my Bumble profile right now and showed you the terrible photographs I see from women's profiles One after another and i'm swiping left here one after another after another after another Men and women like do a terrible job Of presenting themselves. In fact, I was having a conversation with the dear friend of mine who is a matchmaker and here she invests She invested over a quarter million dollars in a 20 year span Just on photography for clients because the vast majority of people won't spend 250 bucks to hire you can go to group on right you can go to group on right now Hire a photographer for a hundred two hundred dollars to take quality photographs of you men and women alike Women are just as bad as this is men. So how do we get past it? You know what? I'm gonna say people who put out good effort Have a better chance of getting what they want than those that don't put out good effort So as a coach my job is to review your profiles to help you put out the best effort So you can be seen by more quality men and I hope I answered your question there Virginia thanks for being so vulnerable. I appreciate that Uh dina writes I have some walls up with a new relationship. He's got luggage And an x that is very devious. How do you get over these walls? He's so good for me But i'm struggling. We're 50 and 52 years old. Hey dina Read this book together eight dates. It's designed to talk about the walls the blocks the things Start having conversations read these books. There's another great book I I suggest reading called spiritual partnership by gary zucca Do these things together if the penis gets to go inside the vagina ladies And I know that might turn some people off and i'm sorry if I offended anybody's sensibility here But what i'm saying is if you're gonna have regular sex together then be intentional about your relationship instead of naive The night nativity is the real issue because you're not talking to one another from a healthy way This is why you have to buy this book Nonviolent communication by marshal rozenberg Nonviolent communication and by the way it should have been called compassionate communication and why say this And by the way, I had one woman write a comment jonathan you refer all these books That's too much work for me to read all these books. I just want to say you got to be fucking kidding me You're not willing to invest I mentioned five or six books give or take let's say 10 books Let's just say each book takes you 10 hours to read Okay, and each book is about it will go 20 dollars Okay, so for a 200 dollar investment and roughly 100 hours of your time you can change your life You can change your life, but you're not willing to do that And by the way if a guy wants to be in a relationship with you if he's not willing to do that Then why the fuck is everybody dating anyway? Is it just for connection and sex or do people want to be in a partnership with one another? Stop being so naive and start being intentional. I'm sorry. I'm yelling Let me just say why I yell because some people have criticized my yelling You know if a child is putting their hand in fire, are you going to go? Don't do that. Don't do that. They're literally their hand is in fire Don't do that or do you yell to get their attention? My yelling is simply my passion to get attention. No different than the child touching fire So anyone who judges and by the way I had one woman write this nasty message to me about this And I'll be candid with you. It affected me emotionally I mean as strong as I'd like to think I am emotionally it affected me because she She literally called me terrible names and judged me When I'm very honest vulnerable and open and transparent with everyone. I'm sorry I'm getting off on a tangent But see these are my hidden insecurities that are coming up I'm a human being. I'm riddled with flaws. I'm gonna own it All right Uh I hope I answer your question dina. Okay. Thanks for thanks for your truth of togetherness that helps um Is he insecure or does he take does he think I? Take him as a joke. I don't understand that question. Lydia. Um Thank you. I am love big hugs to you. Thank you for sending pictures of my book Next you get to the point across the passing and combat with point across with passion and compassion. Thank you This is a that was a great question. I wonder myself if there are anyone looking for a relationship. Thank you I wish someone would have yelled at me. Oh, so ladies one of the reason i'm going to answer uh, Roti's question in a second One of the reasons why I created a coaching program is most of us need to be reprogrammed on how to build healthy happy Relationships. I have over 20,000 hours of coaching I have over 3000 of personal development workshops trainings videos and such I've got a neuro linguistic programming certificate which took me Um, I mean two years to get I'm currently getting my cognitive behavioral therapy certificate I'm not here selling you just being your feminine and lean back and just being your feminine That's all going to magically work. I'm talking about the human behavior issues that cause human beings to be dysfunctional This is why i'm recommending all these books I'm glad it's sinking in. Uh, I wish someone would have yelled at me. It's okay. So satori writes, uh, and I butchered it So if some traumas may never be resolved in your man As you said earlier and the woman is truly understanding compassion. Is there any hope is is the trauma? well, okay, there's on Okay, unresolved traumas only from the perspective of and I thank you for clarifying this Are you doing any work to heal the traumas? At least if someone is aware of their traumas and is actively trying to heal them Versus someone that's not so going back to my son trauma. This is a traumatic event I'm aware of it and I'm working on healing it Unresolved traumas is really centered around those that have no awareness of it And they're not doing making any effort to healing it So I should have retitled that traumas that are not being addressed I let me reframe the fifth one now that I've read. Thank you for the question Unaddressed traumas versus unresolved traumas. Thank you for that question And yes, it's possible so long as they're doing work. Oh my gosh Jonathan. I'm so sorry you received a mean message Thank you Sasha. I appreciate that that is part of oh by the way going back to body image Speaking of which can I tell you ladies? I was on a date with a woman. I think it was five years ago Again, I was pushing 230 pounds. I'm now roughly about 205. I'm six foot two Um, I mean I wasn't fat, but I was a little bit chunky for me And on our second date. She said I I won't be seeing you because you're overweight She literally said because you're out of shape. She didn't want to go on a third date with me I mean I was floored now this happened to be someone who I knew this wasn't a total stranger So I think she felt safe to share that with me, but I'm going to tell you she point blank said that to me And I mean that immediately why would I I mean she wasn't going to go out with me But I lost all interest in being friends with her after that By the way in my book, there's a chapter called speak your truth deal with kindness Here's the thing. I understand what you was saying There's a kind way of saying it and there's an unkind way of saying it and I'd like everyone to work on the kind way um okay okay I don't know how to pronounce your name a m i n a h any advice on finding a man during a pandemic online dating is crap shoot Well, here's the thing Hey, if you're stuck I look at I work from home. I'm stuck at home I mean unless some female burglar decides to come in my door right now I mean my chance is a meeting someone or rather slam Online dating. Hey, it sucks. It's crap and guess what? It's the best tool. Here's the thing There's facebook. There's other forms of social media out there where we can connect big there's youtube Look, I get a lot of women asking me out on dates because of my youtube channel start a youtube channel And see if men are interested in you from that. I know i'm kind of Pulling it out of my ass here on that one But i'm just saying online dating still happens to be right now the number one place people are meeting in fact 50 percent of all this is anecdotal 50 percent of all new relationships are happening through an online connection Now that's not 50 percent of people get into relationship or online But roughly about 50 percent of all new relationships The sad part is only 20 percent of the population who is single who wants love is putting effort into online Imagine if 80 percent of the pop 80 percent of the population did it and they put quality Put together a quality profile. We would have abundance of opportunities coming our way But sadly it is limited. Okay. It's not a perfect system. We just have to work with what we've got Um, thank you. Uh joy writes give yourself time. There is no time limit on healing the pain never goes away One day you notice it doesn't hurt so bad. Thank you joy. Yes. My pain over the loss of my son is not as prevalent And yet I noticed when I did go out on a date with someone I started to experience a pullback And part of it is it was centered because she had health issues and all of a sudden it triggered my fear Because connor had a health issue before he passed away and while i'm not going to share the particulars of what happened It triggered a fear in me. So i'm just sharing that these are real things and i'm just using my personal examples within that All right Helen writes i'm a 40 year old single full-time mother. Wait All right, sorry Where did it go? I'm a 40 year single full-time Working mother and i'm looking for someone completely different now than it was in my 20s. Yes We have to look at things differently than our 20s and 30s Lisa writes awareness is key if a man even ventures into the water of telling you about past traumas Listen, thank you. Lisa. That's a great bit of advice. Gina writes if a man said that a woman Said if a man said that to a woman all hell would break loose Gina, I don't know what it was that I said that would say that but Please write it down There are so many avoidant men out there. It's painful to be with them. Rosie I can appreciate that and by the way, there's just as many avoidant women out there the avoidant personality types By the way, I do believe women tend to be more anxious and women tend to be more avoidant I want i'm going to say it's maybe 60 40, but there are plenty of avoidant women out there I am flabbergasted from a dating perspective and maybe i'm a little bit arrogant because look at my mom and dad Gave me six foot two full head of hair I'm actually pretty decent looking and I get rejected by women all the time because of their fears of leaning in And the social rhetoric that's been attached with that. So this is not singular to men Women can be just as avoidant of intimacy as men Women just tend to bond with men through sex and then they get attached and then they think that their attachment is virtuous Let me repeat that. This is really important Women get bond through men through sex through oxytocin. They get attached to a guy and all of a sudden their virtue There there's like this virtue associated with the fact that they're attached to a guy who might be terrible for them There's no virtue in that Okay, what what matters most is two people co-creating a relationship together I repeat that two people co-creating a relationship that leads to commitment And by the way, that's what I teach most is how to build that level of commitment in relationship in my private coaching So check out a link below for that Okay If a man said okay Hallam writes all men I meet now are divorced and separated and have arrived in this new In arrived in this while a new world of dating. No one seems to want commitment Well, the reality is is Men and women men do want commitments, but we're just as scared as women and this is where Emotional mature by the way Healthy emotionally mature men want commitment People that are struggling emotionally. Hold on one second. I got to bring up this chart. So bear with me I should bring this out Every time I brought this chart out before So here's a pie chart It says 10 10 30 30 10 10. Okay, this represents men with clinical issues Many women, excuse me with clinical issues. I'm talking about mental health issues Half 10% are not in relationship 10 or in relationship of those clinical issues Then there's people that have significant issues that they're not doing any work on Half of those are not half, but a big percentage. Some of them are in relationship. Some of them are not Okay, then there's the people like what I'm talking about awareness They're aware of their traumas and issues and they're doing something about it Okay, then there's this cream of the crop 10 10 percent now I made up all these numbers just to illustrate a point and what I'm trying to say here is Half of the good men are already taken of this of this paradigm And so we're dealing with this pool But by the way, this exact numbers are the same as women. There are women with clinical issues There are women that are healthy. This is what we're dealing with so stop arguing And start focusing from a law of attraction perspective on what you desire From a place of knowing it's going to happen instead of fear that's blocking you because it's the fear That of this is not going to happen is causing you to judge every single thing as being absolute because here's the thing ladies People are falling in love every day men and women alike are falling in love every day and and I and I don't mean You know childish love. I'm talking about real deep connection I have a circle of friends that there's a hundred in our community Or more and there's six seven couples that met in the last three years That met through online connection And by the way, the significant number of the people in my community are already in relationship But there's been a lot that met through and these are really great people So let's stop focusing on what's wrong and let's start focusing on what's right and what's most important is that empowerment within self What's my book called write it down? What's my book called? What the heck is self love anyway? All right um I meet many men on instagram and facebook and all total douchebags. Okay, so guess what? Be single for the rest of your life because if you're going to judge all men as douchebags Then you're basically saying i'm a douchebag And if you're saying i'm a douchebag, please don't follow my channel and i'm being very intentionally blunt here, but here's the problem and i'm i'm yelling this one Change the narrative stop focusing on the douchebags and or at least your perception of calling them a douchebag Because I can ladies I could say the same thing about women I could go through women's profiles day in day out and I could judge them and say that they're dirtbag people What benefit do we have doing that? Read these books that i'm suggesting. Please start changing the narrative the person who wrote that Please read return to love by mary Ann Williamson Please because until you return to love you're going to continually experience What you don't want and I want to change that narrative for you and i'm sorry i'm yelling but I'm here to say you're only doing yourself the disservice and everybody listening to me knows this is true I I had a guy tell me Uh, oh wait, sorry Wow Bear with me I am sorry. There are a lot of things here I had a guy tell me in my early 20s. I wasn't heavy enough. I was five foot four. Okay Um, all right Guy i'm dating is still in contact with high school sweetheart after 20 years She's a great support and doesn't Want to be with her because they are different people now. How do I how to be supportive? Okay, brandy writes the guy i'm dating is still in contact with this high school sweetheart after 20 years Says she is a great support and doesn't want to be with her because they are different people now How do I be supportive? Well Hey, why don't you meet her just like I play golf with my ex-girlfriend? Why don't you meet her and spend time with her if she's an important part of his life? Then you have then asked to be introduced to him try something different see if that works Every scuba girl writes everyone I meet wants to be in a situation shift friends with benefits without really being friendly. Well Why don't you change your narrative and say you know what? There are great men out there that want a significant relationship change the narrative and you're going to change your experience That's like saying you know what? I'm going to be in the olympics, but everybody is a better runner than me So why should I bother running even? I'm like the best runner in the world Because everybody is better than me. I mean why do that to oneself? I'm beginning to think men are divorced in their 40s and 50s It's going to be 10 years before they want a serious relationship again Well men and women alike go through what's called a tunnel and there has to be a reprogramming So yes, but again if you focus if you if your belief is all men are this way Then you're going to attract more of that ladies. Why isn't this sinking in can someone please post? Is this is what i'm saying making sense because if it's not then don't watch me anymore Because all you're doing is telling me what's wrong start. You know what? We're going to start a new rule start posting What's right? Okay start posting. What's right? Gina writes you your friend dumped you for body issues. Yes. Oh Okay, now I have to go back and what was your original comment now? I forget. Anyway, I would that would just Now I forget. I still in love. I'm still in love with a man for eight years who doesn't want me. How do I stop? So Susan I want you to look at this diagram parent adult child A child holds on to somebody who doesn't want them An adult steps into their empowerment and a parent is trying to change the narrative with the other person So step into your adult How do you change it? Read this book how to be an adult in relationship. Sorry for yelling But you know what you're the one choosing this you can change the narrative yourself. You just have to stop Stop Well, actually, this is what you need to do Begin a daily practice of personal development self-help and spiritual work My book and that's how you're going to be able to self-love is how you're going to get through that heads up on humans watching you are not Wait Heads up on the humans watching you are not you're avoiding anything. Okay. What do you consider love bombing behavior? Is it a red flag period? Correct. Okay candy writes about love bombing I am so guilty of love bombing. Oh my god I don't know how many times when i'm enthusiastic when i'm excited Now I don't use the word love, but when i'm excited about someone. Yes, I'm effusive I'm demonstrative. It makes me a human being Just like my mother said about my father. I used to listen to what he said with a grain of salt It's incumbent upon you to understand that it takes time to build the roots in a relationship So your job is simply to be appreciative But not to buy into the rhetoric in fact going back to mary Ann Williamson Return to love One of the things she says in her, uh, live events she tells the audience All right, she tells the audience What do you do when two people meet and they're really really connected with one another? What do you do when you have this intense chemistry? And she says this to the audience and the entire audience says pray Pray for guidance pray for guidance from your higher self because this can suck us in Our ego can be so attracted to love bombing And it's just simply our ego that's doing the love bombing because it takes time to develop the roots in a relationship So my invitation take it with a grain of salt. All right. We're almost wrapping up. So Just as a real reminder, um, I'm gonna check out here. Listen listen a little more music Oops I guess it's not playing All right Human All right You talk to my male friends and they say the same thing about women we say about men believe or not exactly Many online dating coach are throwing around the term narcissist. What exactly does it mean to be dating perspective? Okay, I love this. Yes. I am so tired of this Rhetoric about narcissism. So here's the reality Men and women alike. I'm gonna repeat that men and women alike Can be very myopic myopic myopic means tunnel vision meaning they're only focused on themselves True narcissism true narcissism people who are in love with their reflection and who lack empathy is actually a small percentage of the population now The reality is as most humans are so hyper focused on themselves that they might appear to lack genuine empathy And therefore the term narcissist is thrown out This is why it's so important if you want to break the narcissistic habit But when you're having sex with a guy read this book together talk talk talk talk talk talk talk And that's how you're gonna find out if he's a nurse he or she is a narcissist Or someone who genuinely wants to be in a fully committed relationship leading the partnership all right All right, we're gonna be wrapping up in a second I wonder if the dating apps have created a situation where people keep one foot out As the grass may be greener. Yeah, that I don't that could be true You know what? There are just so many great questions. I just want I'm gonna come to the end of this um I just discussed the five insecurities men and women men feel Better afraid to talk about that caused them to shut down and pull away I just want to repeat them really quickly as a reminder The insecurity about being a provider protector the insecurity that you may still want a relationship with your ex partner They're insecurity about body image. They're insecurity about sexual performance and then unaddressed traumas. I'm going to correct myself unaddressed traumas This just gives you a tiny little bit of insight into men and also insight into women Ladies i'm grateful for your love and support and your comments and I want to share one thing before I wrap up And that is you have a choice You can see the glass half empty or you can see the glass half full The glass empathy Focuses on the negative and the glass full is focusing on empowerment. I do that again and self love Empowerment and self love and that's my invitation for you So I want to invite all of you to check out the links below that I mentioned check out my books I recommend a lot of books I'm recommending that if you want to have a juicy delicious relationship in your life It's incumbent upon you to become the leader of your relationship destiny I'm gonna repeat that you become the leader of your relationship destiny and not leave it up to the man Not because men are bad people It's just most men don't study this as much as women Hence why I say they're clueless at times and it merely means you're doing a little bit more of the work Take charge of your life and I promise you you're going to put the odds in your favor Of being in that juicy delicious relationship that I talk about All right, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off I want to thank everyone that was on live. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart And I'm going to start with first off giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love because self love is so important That I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear or a pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank you all so much. Mm. Thank you. Bye. Bye now