 The Jack Benny program Lucky strike means fine tobacco so round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw LS MFT LS MFT LS MFT Yes, sir, right you are lucky strike means fine tobacco so round so firm so fully packed So free and easy on the draw remember in a cigarette It's the tobacco that counts the better the tobacco the better the cigarette and remember lucky strike means fine tobacco Yes, first last and always lucky strike means fine tobacco at markets now open in the south independent tobacco experts auctioneers buyers and warehousemen present at the auctions can see the makers of lucky strike Consistently select the riper the naturally milder lucky strike tobacco So smoke the smoke tobacco experts smoke lucky strike Everybody this is Don Wilson gentlemen Let's move the clock back ten minutes and see what happens before a radio program goes on the air So now we take you backstage to Jack Benny's dressing room where Jack is relaxing To wake the boss up, but the program goes on in ten minutes Just look at him lying there sleeping like a baby Yeah, just like a baby. Maybe I ought to take his thumb out of his mouth again Now heady, please wait a minute Wait a minute heady Stop it Paulette Paulette, please you're tickling my ear Lana Lana stop kissing me you too heady heady stop boss boss wake up. You want to sleep to relax Oh, it's you Rochester. Yeah, and don't look so disappointed Come in your sleep again. Oh, yes. Yes. I I dreamt that I was making a political speech That was a political speech. Yes. Well with those people on your side. You'll even carry man in Vermont What are you talking about? Oh nothing boss. You better hurry. You haven't got too much time before the broadcast No, the broadcast the broadcast always the broadcast like a ghost that keeps haunting me week after week Monday, I think of ideas Tuesday. I meet with my writers Wednesday Thursday and Friday. We write Saturday. I rehearse then on Sunday I do my program in a half hour. It's all over and for what I ask you for what Million dollars Rochester. No, you have the wrong sland on life money isn't everything She was look what time it is. I better hurry. Oh, darn it. I'm sorry. I took that nap whenever I sleep I toss and turn get all rumbled up. How does my hair look fine, boss? Fine. You want to put it on now for me, please Rochester looks awful. It's sticking up all over. What happened to it remember yesterday when you asked me to shampoo your hair Yes, well the sideburns got caught in the ringer Ringer you wash it in a washing machine Rochester. That's the worst mistake you could make a worst one was putting starch in the water So Nelson Eddie is with those Chris. Don't you ever put my hair in the washing machine told you time and again I want you to lux it along with my undies Now where's my Jack will be on the air in six minutes. You better hurry. Oh, hello, Mary I'll be right with you Rochester help me on with my jacket. Yes, sir Thanks, how does the jacket look on me, Mary? Does it drape too much around my shoulders? I don't know. Where are your shoulders? Mary save those will we get on the air and then save them again Oh Jack, don't be so irritable. I was only kidding. I'm sorry, Mary. Just thought I've got a thousand things on my mind I'm trying to do a program. I haven't got a singer. Well, what about John Charles Thomas? I can't get him. He's on every week for Westinghouse, but I still haven't given up hopes of getting Frank Sinatra Oh What are you laughing at? What a combination you and Sinatra on the same program What's so funny about that old blood and guts and no blood and bowtie Mary don't pull that on the show you'll get hit with a bobby sock Okay, okay, let's get going. Wait a minute here Rochester. I want you to spray a little perfume on me. Yes, sir a little more Is that enough boss? Yes Now stand back while I sweep the dead flies out. Stop exaggerating That one put up a struggle Yeah, now let's go Rochester. I'll be back in about 35 minutes while I'm gone I want you to press the suit I wore down here in the tish. I'm out of the shoes down my socks And think of a few jokes for next week's program But boss, I'm your valid. You got writers to think of jokes. Don't be so selfish. They help you mow the lawn Yes, that's right And since we lost our lawnmower that writer with the buck teeth and revolving head is a definite ass here I wish I had more like him. Come on, Mary Say, Mary, what was happening on stage when you left? Oh the usual thing Don was helping Phil memorize his lines Gosh, isn't it awful the way Phil has to spend all week memorizing his part? I wish he'd learned to read He can't even he can't even find his dressing room with his name on it worse than that I bumped into him twice this morning where he shouldn't have I know I know Let's get into the studio. Oh, hello jack. Hello Don. Are we all ready to start? Oh, I think so But jack I've been going through the script and there's one line that you have in it that I'd like to change What is it? It's here on page 12 Don't you think it would be better to say don wilson reads commercial instead of Blubber does plug Oh, don't it doesn't make any difference. That's just a stage direction. Hi jackson. Oh, hello, phil. How'd the orcs rehearsal go? Everything's all right jackson. Lawrence just put four strings on these violin Four more strings that makes eight all told you mean he's playing a violin with eight strings Well, yes, my other fiddle player was drafted. We got to make up for it somehow Well, that's ridiculous a violin with eight strings. You've seen my violin has only got four strings. Well, you're cheap with everything Well, I'm sure of one thing phil you'll never be another stikowski or a toskanini whom? Whom? The toskanini is stikowski. They happen to be the world's most famous orchestra leaders. Oh, they are Yes, then how come harry james holds the attendance record at the palladium Thank you don now look phil just a minute jackson. I gotta get my boys ready All right fellas 30 seconds to go put away them cards take the money off the bass drum and stand it back up And frankie put that away too. What I said put that away too. I can't find the coke Well stick a mic program starring chest and yours truly don wilson Wait my baby played by phil harris and his death takes a holiday for strings orchard Gentlemen for the first time in our new radio series. We bring you our thrilling dramatic feature Another episode in the exciting adventurous career of that famous climb busting fearless master detective Captain old benny Okay Are you all right jack? Yes, thank you That fearless climb busting master detective captain old benny. Now mary you play the part of mrs. H beacon van storage You live in a you live in a big mansion You live in a big mansion have four mink coats six yachts and 80 million dollars. Gosh jack How did I get so rich you sold your card a month? I'm going to play the part of that fearless crime busting master detective captain old benny Oh jack waddy always play those tough parts when you're such a coward You're even afraid of the dark. I'm not a coward and I'm not afraid of the dark Go on. You've got a bodyguard with you all night long. Mary lots of people have bodyguards Police you could do is get twin beds Oh, don't be ridiculous you fired the last guy because he had cold feet Mary say that funny stuff for the sketch now. Let's get on with it because we haven't got Excuse me come in Hello, remember me. I'm hoyman b body at the insurance salesman Oh, hello harmon. I'm busy now. I know mr. Benny But I just dropped in to talk to you about that life insurance policy you took out last spring Why I've been paying the premium. I know but for an extra 15 cents a month you get an added protection now An added protection. Yeah, we pay you double if the planet mars crashes into the earth Oh Herman who thinks up those silly policies if the planet mars crashed into the earth everybody'd be killed The money wouldn't be any good to me. Yeah, but at least you wouldn't feel like a sucker That herman. All right, we'll make you happy. I'll take it. Here's your 15 cents. Thank you And here mr. Benny this goes with the planet mars policy What's that a telescope if you see it coming get out of the way Thank you, but you better go now. I'm upset enough as it is. I'm trying to do a program I haven't got a singer or anything. Oh gee, mr. Benny. You don't have to look any footer. I'm your man But herman, uh, the road to a man's way Herman fleeing Herman looking and it on comes up like thunder. Boom Boom out of china. That's very good. Herman. That's fine. Look at now sit down. Will you maybe you'd like a novelty No, no, Herman. I don't want a novelty sit down. I sing a song and imitate an electric organ at the same time Herman please really I haven't got Herman This is the spike jones pro Please sit down. Let me get going with my show. Yes, sir. Now hold your telescope. Good. Good Now let's see. Where was I? Oh, yes now marries. I said before you're the rich mrs. H vegan band storage and you murder your husband Now on the first day jack am I going to be in your sketch too? Yes, don you're going to be the big fat corpse Now in the uh in the first scene Oh gee, I never get anything to say every time you do a mystery sketch I'm the corpse. Well, it's your own fall down every time you have a couple of lines to say you always make a commercial out of it And I'm not taking any more chances, but I have a wonderful idea for your mystery the mother time down now phil Phil phil get away from the window and give Herman back that telescope Now phil you're going to play the part of my assistant sergeant o' harris. Okay, jackson now in the first scene But jack I really do have a wonderful idea for your sketch. Okay down. What is it? Well? I feel if you have a murder you must have a motive and in my idea the motive is a diamond necklace Say that's interesting. You see you're searching for the necklace, but you can't find it You're on the right street But you don't know which apartment house to go to and I'm the only one who knows gosh what intrigue Continue down Well the house you're looking for is on the left hand side of the street in the middle of the block the front apartment on top Left side middle of block front on top. I'll have to remember that other just think of left side middle front top Left side middle front top. Yes lsmft. I knew He was going for a commercial all the time He didn't fool me for a minute, but jack. It's just a coincidence that lsmft also stands for lucky strike means find a back Oh, sure sure a coincidence sure lucky strike means find a back. Oh, so round so firm so fully packed Jack jack, why did you shoot don I couldn't help it sister? I'm free and easy on the draw Sorry, I shot you. Oh, that's all right jack anything for a commercial Thanks And just for that instead of being the corpse in our sketch you can be one of my assistants now mary when the scene opens We find you with your excuse me mary come in Mr. Benny, yes, I understand that you're in the market for a singer. Well. Yes. Yes. I am but right now We're preparing my name is nizaro cliff nizaro. Well, look well as long as you're here. I might as well talk to you You're a singer. Yes, sir. You've sung professionally. Yes, sir. How long four years where western union Western union happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute Don't you like it? That's awful. I sing much better on a bicycle Look, listen to zero. I hate to turn you down, but I'm afraid you're not the type anyway jack Why don't you talk to him later? We've got a sketch to do wait a minute jacks And why don't you give the kid a chance let him show you what he can do? Thanks uncle phil Uncle phil all right, so he's my nephew. What's the difference as long as he can sing? All right kid go ahead What are you gonna sing? I'll sing a chorus of I'll remember and in the second chorus I do a recitation. Well, that swells well Go right ahead and go ahead How I thrilled at the sight of you how the dream of my heart came true The kid has possibilities. You know that Mary so glad getting is all right Oh, you love that George Washington Hill. You love that I think so fella is mert like it in paradise I'll remember the look in your eyes at that first maternity dance And that crazy indescribable feeling I had when we first spoke the rest is sort of maybe a pirate It wasn't that little captain boss It was the way you looked at my costume gave me that first of that day I crapped as a hoot and stick grapple board Huh, we found out that love isn't just a character of me What's that? It's together. We went we went through all those things. I wanted to watch when I asked you if you said the man of Martin You did look. What is this anyway? It was a medic race that I feel that what do you want to be a singer or tobacco? Well, mr. Benny, how'd you like it? I don't know. I'll tell you what keep in touch with me in the meantime I'll think about you when your uncle fills option They might as well sit down here the rest of the program And now folks for the thrilling blood-curdling adventure in the life of that master detective Captain. Oh, Benny the scene opens behind closed doors at police headquarters Police headquarters captain. Oh, Benny talking what what was that madam? 323 Beverly drive Well, what about it? You returned home suddenly found your husband dead Oh Well, you want the flower shop. It's hillside seven five nine Say captain. Let's finish this checker game. Okay, it's your move wilson Hey captain, you're the phone's ringing. Shall I get it? No, no hairs. I'm expecting that call I'll take it Hello, what? Four dozen white carnations Yes, madam. I'll center. I know the address 323 Beverly drive. Goodbye You ought to be ashamed yourself captain running a police station with a flower shop on the side. What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it? How can I be a tough-looking cop with a petunia in my lapel? And you and your ad never mind that I'll let's get back to that checker game. It's your move wilson Come in Yes, hello boys. I happen to be strolling down this way. So I thought I'd drop in and see the captain Well, I'm the captain. So you're the captain, right? Yes. Oh, what about you curly? I'm a sergeant What's holding you back good-looking? Look miss. What is it you want? Well, don't let it frighten you but my husband was shot and the murderer is still in the house Leave it to me. Oh Harris. Yes chief Get the shotguns the handcuffs the tear gas the fingerprint equipment the fingerprint equipment The squad car and an a coupon Aren't you going to finish this checker game checker game at a time like this? We got to hurry and catch that Madam, do you say the murderer was still in the house? Yes, it's your move wilson Chiefy, come on. Let's go solve that nasty old murder. Well, will you go if I give you a kiss? Well, I don't want the boys to think I'm taking a bribe. So I'll kiss you Okay Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you feeling around my throat for anything that kisses like that? Must have a keg of brandy around its neck Let's go And we'll solve this murder mystery or my naming single for your program. Oh, no, no, not now I'm broadcasting. I'm right in the middle of a sketch. Come back some other time Now I work my kid all the way up here in downtown to see you and I ain't taking no brush off Now listen to your boy. I listen to anybody, but first I want to finish the program I can't hang around that long. The Wilshire bus is out in the parking lot waiting for me Wilshire bus up here on by street in a parking lot. That's impossible. No, it ain't I'll have to talk to you later right now I'm doing the sketch is spoiled. Anyway, it might as well talk to her. Oh, all right Thanks, mr. Benny. My boy is really a nice kid. His name is Wilbur. Well, that's a very nice name Hello, Wilbur. Hello Wilbur, Wilbur your mother tells me you'd like to be on my program Look madam, how old is your boy? He's 15 15. Oh, no, Wilbur is a nice looking boy. Ha, silly Look, Wilbur. No, Wilbur, you mind your mother and talk nice to the man. Oh, gee boy You said you wouldn't yell at me no more since I had to go to the doctor You you had to go to the doctor Wilbur. Uh-huh For three whole weeks. I couldn't see I couldn't see nothing at all So they took me to the doctor and now I can see five Well, I'm glad to hear that Wilbur. What did the doctor do? Hey, give me a haircut Wilbur, it's no use. I haven't heard you sing, but I know there's something wrong with your voice. I know I won't let you smell the exhaust pipe Okay, mom wait while I get warmed up Wait a minute wait Wilbur if you're gonna sing take your hat off what let my bees get away Bees you keep bees in your hat for sure when I put them in my shirt They keep sticking by ribbons that will be back in just a minute. But first here is my good friend, mr. Effie boon Sold American many things change with the years, but here's one thing you can depend on always Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Yes first last and always lucky strike means fine tobacco So round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw the famous tobacco auctioneers heard on tonight's program Mr. Effie boon of lexington, kentucky And mr. LA speed rigs of goldsboro north carolina And this is basilarized ale speaking for lucky strike ls mft ls mft ls mft lucky strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you So smoke the smoke tobacco experts smoke lucky strike This is jack many again. I have an important message for all of our listeners Again this fall the people of the united states are asked to support the national war fund with their dollars To meet the daily increasing needs of 22 major war relief and service organizations The campaign has been on since september 25th And the goal of 250 million dollars must be reached by november 1st Every dollar given to the national war fund as a three-way job It aids our own fighting forces Helps the suffering people of our allies And fills vital needs here at home So give freely to your local national war fund now Thank you and good night everybody This is the national broadcasting company