 Chapter 6 of Stepping Heavenward by E. Prentice January 24. A message came yesterday morning from Susan Green to the effect that she had had a dreadful fall and was half-killed. Mother wanted to set off at once to see her, but I would not let her go, as she has one of her worst colts. She then asked me to go in her place. I turned up my nose at the bare thought, though I dare say it turns up enough on its own account. Oh, mother, I said reproachfully, that dirty old woman! Mother made no answer, and I sat down at the piano and played a little, but I only played discords. Do you think it is my duty to run after such a horrid old woman, I asked mother at last? I think, dear, you must make your own duties, she said kindly. I dare say that at your age I should have made a great deal out of my personal repugnance to such a woman as Susan, and very little out of her sufferings. I believe I am the most fastidious creature in the world. Sick rooms with their intolerable smells of camphor and vinegar and mustard, their gloom and their wines and their groans actually make me shudder. But was it not just such fastidiousness that made— No, I won't utter his name. That made somebody weary of my possibilities, and has that terrible lesson really done me no good. January 26th. No sooner had I written the above than I scrambled into my cloak and bonnet, and flew on the wings of holy indignation to Susan Green. Such wings fly fast, and got me a little out of breath. I found her lying on that nice white bed of hers in a frilled cap and nightgown. It seems she fell from her ladder in climbing to the dismal den where she sleeps, and lay all night in great distress with some serious internal injury. I found her groaning and complaining in a fearful way. Are you in such pain? I asked as kindly as I could. It isn't the pain, she said. It isn't the pain. It's the way my nice bed is going to wreck and ruin, and the starch while getting out of my frills that I fluted with my own hands, and the doctor's bill and the medicines. Oh, dear, dear, dear! Just then the doctor came in. After examining her, he said to a woman who seemed to have charge of her, Are you the nurse? Oh, no! I only stepped in to see what I could do for her. Well, who is to be with her tonight, then? Nobody knew. I will send a nurse, then, he said, but someone else will be needed also, he added, looking at me. I will stay, I said, but my heart died within me. The doctor took me aside. Her injuries are very serious, he said. If she has any friends they ought to be sent for. You don't mean that she's going to die, I asked. I fear she is, but not immediately. He took leave, and I went back to the bedside. I saw there no longer a snuffy, repulsive old woman, but a human being, About to make that mysterious journey to a far country once there is no return. Oh, how I wished mother were there. Susan, I said, have you any relatives? No, I haven't, she answered sharply. And if I had, they'd come prowling around me. I don't want no relations about my body. Would you like to see Dr. Cabot? What should I want of Dr. Cabot? Don't tease, child. Considering the deference with which she had here to foretreated me, this was quite a new order of things. I sat down and tried to pray for her, silently, in my heart. Who was to go with her on that long journey, and where was it to end? The woman who had been caring for her now went away, and it was growing dark. I sat still, listening to my own heart, which beat till it half choked me. What were you in the doctor whispering about? She suddenly burst out. He asked me, for one thing, if you had any friends that could be sent for. I've been my own best friend, she returned. Who'd have raked and scraped and hoarded and counted for Susan Greene if I hadn't had done it? I've got enough to make me comfortable as long as I live, and when I lie on my dying bed. But you can't carry it with you, I said. This highly original remark was all I had courage to utter. I wish I could, she cried. I suppose you think I talk awful. They say you are getting most to be as much of a saint as your ma. It's born in some, and in some it ain't. Do get a light, it's lonesome here in the dark, and cold. I was thankful enough to enliven the dark room with light and fire. But I saw now that the thin yellow hard face had changed sadly. She fixed her two little black eyes on me, evidently startled by the expression of my face. Look here, child, I ain't hurt to speak of, am I? The doctor says you are hurt seriously. My tone must have said more than my words did, for she caught me by the wrist and held me fast. He didn't say nothing about my—about it being dangerous. I ain't dangerous, am I? I felt ready to sink. Oh, Susan, I gasped out. You haven't any time to lose. You're going, you're going, going! She cried, going where? You don't mean to say I'm a dyin'? Why, it beats all my calculations. I was gonna live ever so many years and save up ever so much money. And when my time come, I was gonna put on my best floated nightgown and nightcap and lay my head on my handsome pillow and draw the clothes up over me, neat and tidy and—and die decent. But here's my bed all in a toss and my frills all in a crumple and my room all upside down and bottles of medicine settin' around alongside of my vases and nobody here but you, just a girl and nothing else. All this came out by jerks, as it were, and at intervals. Don't talk so, I fairly screamed. Pray, pray to God to have mercy on you. She looked at me bewildered, but yet as if the truth had reached her at last. Pray yourself, she said eagerly. I don't know how. I can't think. Oh, my time's come, my time's come, and I ain't ready. I ain't ready. Get down on your knees and pray with all your might and main. And I did. She holding my wrist tightly in hard hand. All at once I felt her hold relax. After that the next thing I knew I was lying on the floor and somebody was dashing water in my face. It was the nurse. She had come at last and found me by the side of the bed, where I had fallen, and had been trying to revive me ever since. I started up and looked about me. The nurse was closing Susan's eyes in a professional way and performing other little services of the sort. The room wore an air of perfect desolation. The clothes Susan had on when she fell lay in a forlorn heap on a chair. Her shoes and stockings were thrown hither and thither. The mahogany bureau, in which she had taken so much pride, was covered with vials to make room for which some pretty trifles had been hastily thrust aside. I remembered what I had once said to Mrs. Cabot about having tasteful things about me with this sort of shutter. What a mockery they are in the awful presence of death. Mother met me with open arms when I reached home. She was much shocked at what I had to tell and at my having encountered such a scene alone. I should have felt myself quite a heroine under her caresses if I had not been overcome with bitter regret that I had not, with firmness and dignity, turned poor Susan's last thoughts to her savior. Oh, how could I, through miserable cowardice, let those precious moments slip by? February 27th. I have learned one thing by yesterday's experience that is worth knowing. It is this. Duty looks more repelling at a distance than when fairly faced and met. Of course I have read the lines, nor know we anything so fair as is the smile upon thy face. But I seem to be one of the stupid sort who never apprehended a thing till they experienced it. Now, however, I have seen the smile and find it so fair that I shall gladly plod through many a hardship and trial to meet it again. Poor Susan, perhaps God heard my prayer for her soul and revealed himself to her at the very last moment. March 2nd. Such a strange thing has happened. Susan Green left a will bequeathing her precious savings to whoever offered the last prayer in her hearing. I do not want. I never could touch a penny of that hardlier in store. And if I did, no earthly motive would tempt me to tell a human being that it was offered by me, an inexperienced trembling girl driven to it by mere desperation. So it has gone to Dr. Cabot, who will not use it for himself, I am sure, but will be delighted to have it to give to poor people who really beseege him. The last time he called to see her, he prayed with her, and says she seemed pleased and grateful and promised to be more regular at church, which she had been ever since. March 28th. I feel I'll out of sorts. Mother says it is owing to the strain I went through at Susan's dying bed. She wants me to go visit my Aunt Mary, who is always urging me to come. But I do not like to leave my little Sunday scholars, nor to give mother the occasion to deny herself in order to meet the expense of such a long journey. Besides, I should have to have some new dresses, a new bonnet, and lots of things. Today Dr. Cabot has sent me some directions for which I have been begging him a long time. Lest I should wear out this precious letter by reading it over, I will copy it here. After alluding to my complaint that I still saw men as trees walking, he says, yet he who first uttered this complaint had had his eyes opened by the Son of God, and so have you. Now, he never leaves his work incomplete, and he will gradually lead you into clear and open vision, if you will allow him to do it. I say gradually, because I believe this to be his usual method, while I do not deny that there are cases where light suddenly bursts in like a flood. To return to the blind man, when Jesus found that his cure was not complete, he put his hands again upon his eyes and made him look up, and he was restored and saw every man clearly. Now this must be done for you, in order to have it done you must go to Christ himself, not to one of his servants. Make your complaint, tell him how obscure everything still looks to you, and beg him to complete your cure. He may see fit to try your faith and patience by delaying this completion, but meanwhile you are safe in his presence, and well led by his hand he will excuse the mistakes you make and pity your faults. But you will imagine that it is best he should at once enable you to see clearly. If it is, you may be sure he will do it. He never makes mistakes, but he often deals far differently with his disciples. He lets them grope their way in the dark until they fully learn how blind they are, how helpless, how absolutely in need of him. What his methods will be with you I cannot foretell, but you may be sure that he never works in an arbitrary way. He has a reason for everything he does. You may not understand why he leads you now in this way and now in that, but you may, may you must believe that perfection is stamped on his every act. I'm afraid that you are in danger of falling into an error only too common among young Christians. You acknowledge that there has been enmity towards God in your secret soul, and that one of the first steps towards peace is to become reconciled to him and to have your sins forgiven for Christ's sake. This done you settle down with the feeling that the great work of life is done and that your salvation is sure, or if not sure that your whole business is to study your own case to see whether you are really in a state of grace. Many persons never get beyond this point. They spend their whole time in asking the question, Do I love the Lord or no? Am I his or am I not? I beg you, my dear child, if you are doing this aimless, useless work to stop short at once, life is too precious to spend in a treadmill. Having been pardoned by your God and Saviour, the next thing you have to do is show your gratitude for this infinite favour by consecrating yourself entirely to him, body, soul and spirit. This is the least you can do. He has bought you with a price and you are no longer your own. But you may reply, this is contrary to my nature. I love my own way. I desire ease and pleasure. I desire to go to heaven to be carried thither on a bed of flowers. Can I not give myself so far to God as to feel a sweet sense of peace with him and be sure of final salvation and yet, to a certain extent, indulge and gratify myself? If I give myself entirely away in him and lose all ownership in myself, he may deny me many things I greatly desire. He may make my life hard and wearisome, depriving me of all that now makes it agreeable. But I reply, this is no matter of parley and discussion. It is not optional with God's children whether they will pay him a part of the price they owe him and keep back the rest. He asks and he has a right to ask for all you have and all you are. And if you shrink from what is involved in such a surrender, you should fly to him at once and never rest till he has conquered this secret disinclination to give to him as freely and as fully as he has given to you. It is true that such an act of consecration on your part may involve no little future discipline and correction. As soon as you become the lords by your own deliberate and conscious act, he will begin that process of sanctification which is to make you holy as he is holy. Perfect as he is perfect. He becomes at once your physician as well as your dearest and best friend. But he will use no painful remedy that can be avoided. Remember that it is his will that you should be sanctified and that the work of making you holy is his, not yours. At the same time you are not to sit with folded hands waiting for this blessing. You are to avoid laying hindrances in his way. And you are to exercise faith in him as just, as able and just as willing to give you sanctification as he was to give you redemption. And now, if you may ask how you may know that you have truly consecrated yourself to him, I reply, observe every indication of his will concerning you no matter how trivial and see whether you at once close in with that will. Lay down this principle as a law. God does nothing arbitrary. If he takes away your health, for instance, it is because he has some reason for doing so. And this is true of everything you value. And if you have real faith in him you will not insist on knowing this reason. If you find in the course of daily events that your self-consecration was not perfect, that is that your will revolts at his will, do not be discouraged, but fly to your Saviour and stay in his presence till you obtain the spirit in which he cried in his hour of anguish. Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done. Every time you do this it will be easier to do it. Every such consent to suffer will bring you nearer and nearer to him. And in this nearness to him you will find such peace, such blessed sweet peace as will make your life infinitely happy, no matter what may be its mere outside conditions. Just think, my dear Katie, of the honour and the joy of having your will one with the divine will and so becoming changed into Christ's image from glory to glory. But I cannot say in a letter the tithe of what I want to say. Listen to my sermons from week to week and glean from them all the instruction you can, remembering that they are preached to you. In reading the Bible I advise you to choose detached passages or even one verse a day rather than whole chapters. Study every word, ponder and pray over it till you have got out of it all the truth it contains. As to the other devotional reading it is better to settle down on a few favourite authors and read their works over and over and over until you have digested their thoughts and made them your own. It has been said that a fixed inflexible will is a great assistance in a holy life. You can will to choose for your associates those who are most devout and holy. You can will to read books that will stimulate you in your Christian life rather than those that merely amuse. You can will to use every means of grace appointed by God. You can will to spend much time and prayer without regard to your frame at the moment. You can will to prefer a religion of principle to one of mere feelings. In other words to obey the will of God when no comfortable glow of emotion accompanies your obedience. You cannot will to possess the spirit of Christ that must come as His gift. But you can choose to study His life and to imitate it. This will infallibly lead to such self-denying work as visiting the poor, nursing the sick, giving of your time and money to the needy and the like. If the thought of such self-denial is repugnant to you remember that it is enough for the disciple to be as his Lord. And let me assure you that as you penetrate the labyrinth of life in pursuit of Christian duty you will often be surprised and charmed by the master himself amid its windings and turnings and receive his soul-inspiring smile. Or I should rather say you will always meet him wherever you go. I have read this letter again and again. It has taken such hold of me that I can think of nothing else. The idea of seeking holiness had never so much as crossed my mind. And even now it seems like presumption for such a one as I to utter so sacred a word. And I shrink from committing myself in pursuit, lest after a time I should fall back into the old routine. And I have an undefined wicked dread of being singular as well as a certain terror of self-denial and loss of all liberty. But no choice seems left to me. Now that my duty has been clearly pointed out to me I do not stand where I did before. And I feel mingled with my indolence and love of ease and pleasure some drawings towards a higher and better life. There is one thing I can do and that is to pray that Jesus would do for me what he did for the blind man. Put his hands yet again upon my eyes and make me to see clearly. And I will. March 30th. Yes, I have prayed and he has heard me. I see that I have no right to live for myself and that I must live for him. I have given myself to him as I never did before and have entered as it were a new world. I was very happy when I began to believe in his love for me and that he had redeemed me. But this new happiness is deeper. It involves something higher than getting to heaven at last which has hitherto been my great aim. March 31st. The more I pray and the more I read the bar I feel for the entire holiness the more utterly unholy I see myself to be. But I have pledged myself to the Lord and I must pay my vows cost what it may. I have begun to read Taylor's Holy Living and Dying. A month ago I should have found it a tedious dry book but I am reading it with a sort of avidity like one seeking after hidden treasure. Mother observing what I was doing advised me to read it straight through but to mingle a passage now and then with chapters from other books. She suggested my beginning on Baxter's Saints Rest and of that I have read every word. I shall read it over as Dr. Cabot advised till I have fully caught its spirit. Even this one reading has taken away my lingering fear of death and made heaven awfully attractive. I never mean to read worldly books again and my music and drawing I have given up forever. End of Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Of Stepping Heavenward by E. Prentice This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Alan Chant Stepping Heavenward by E. Prentice Chapter 7 Mother asked me last evening to sing and play to her. I was embarrassed to know how to excuse myself without telling her my real reason for declining but somehow she got it out of me. One need not be fanatical in order to be religious, she said. Is it fanatical to give up all for God? I asked. What is it to give up all? She asked him reply. Why to deny oneself every gratification and indulgence in order to mortify one's natural inclinations and to live entirely for him? God is then a hard master who allows his children no liberty, she replied. Now, let us see where this theory will lead you. In the first place you must shut your eyes to all the beautiful things he has made. You must shut your eyes to the harmonies he has ordained. You must shut your heart against all sweet human affections. You have a body it is true and it may revolt at such bondage. We are told to keep under the body I interrupted. Oh mother, don't hinder me. You know my love for music is a passion and that it is a snare and temptation and how can I spend my whole time in reading the Bible and praying to go on with my drawing. It may do for other people to serve both God and Mammon but not for me. I must belong wholly to the world or wholly to Christ. Mother said no more and I went on with my reading but somehow my book seemed to have lost its flavour. Besides it was time to retire for my evening devotions which I never put off now till the last thing at night as I used to do. When I came down mother was lying on the sofa by which I knew she was not well. I felt troubled that I had refused to sing to her. Think of the money she had spent on that part of my education. I went to her and kissed her with a pang of terror. What if she were going to be very sick and to die? It is nothing darling, she said. Nothing at all. I am tired and felt a little faint. I looked at her anxiously and the bear thought that she might die and leave me alone was so terrible that I could hardly help crying out. And I saw as by a flash of lightning that if God took her from me I could not, should not say, thy will be done. But she was better after taking a few drops of lavender and what colour she has came back to her dear sweet face. April 12th Doctor Cabot's letter has lost all its power over me. A stone has more feeling than I. I don't love to pray. I am sick and tired of this dreadful struggle after holiness. Good books are all alike, flat and meaningless. But I must have something to absorb and carry me away and I have come back to my music and my drawing with new zest. Mother was right in warning me against giving them up. Maria Kelly is teaching me to paint in oil colours and says I have a natural gift for it. April 13th Mother asked me to go to church with her last evening and I said I did not want to go. She looked surprised and troubled. Are you not well, dear? She asked. I don't know. Yes, I suppose I am. But I could not be still at church five minutes. I am nervous that I feel as if I should fly. I see how it is, she said. You have forgotten that body of yours of which I reminded you and have been trying to live as if you were all soul and spirit. You have been straining every nerve to acquire perfection whereas this is God's gift and one that he is willing to give you fully and freely. I have done seeking for that or anything else that is good, I said despondently and so I have gone back to my music and everything else. Here is just the rock upon which you split, she returned. You speak of going back to your music as if that implied going away from God. You rush from one extreme to another. The only true way to live in this world constituted as we are is to make all our employments subserve the one great end and aim of existence namely to glorify God and to enjoy him forever. But in order to do this we must be wise taskmasters and not require of ourselves what we cannot possibly perform. Recreation we must have otherwise the strings of our soul wound up to an unnatural tension will break. Oh I do wish I cried that God had given us plain rules about which we could make no mistake. I think his rules are plain she replied and some liberty of action he must leave us or we should become mere machines. I think that those who love him and wait upon him day by day learn his will almost imperceptibly to a stray. But mother music and drawing are sharp edge tools in such hands as mine I cannot be moderate in my use of them and the more I delight in them the less I delight in God. Yes this is human nature but God's divine nature will supplant it if we only consent to let him work in us of his own good pleasure. Rule 16 After all mother has come off conqueror and here I am at aunties after our quiet plain little home in our quiet little town this seems like a new world the house is large but is as full as it can hold auntie has six children her own and has adopted two she says she weighs meant to imitate the old woman who lived in a shoe she reminds me of mother and yet she is very different full of fun and energy flying about the house as on wings with a kind bright word for everybody all her household affairs go on like clockwork the children are always nicely dressed nobody ever seems out of humour nobody is ever sick auntie is the central object around which everybody revolves and you can't forget her a moment she is always doing something for you and then her unflagging good humour and cheerfulness keep you good humour and cheerful I don't wonder Uncle Alfred loves her so I hope I shall have just such a home I mean this is the sort of home I should like if I ever married which I never mean to do I should like to be just such a bright loving wife as auntie is to have my husband lean on me uncle leans on her to have just as many children and to train them as wisely and kindly as she does hers then I should feel that I had not been born in vain but had a high and sacred mission on earth but as it is I must just pick up what scraps of usefulness I can and let the rest go April 18 auntie says I sit waiting and reading and thinking too much and wants me to go out more I tell her I don't feel strong enough to go out much she says that is all nonsense and drags me out I get tired and hungry and sleep like a baby a month old I see now mother's wisdom and kindness in making me leave home when I did I had veered about from point to point till I was nearly ill auntie keeps me well by making me go out and dear Dr. Cabot's precious letter can work a true and not a morbid work in my soul I am very happy I have delightful talks with auntie who sets me right at this point and at that and it is beautiful to watch her home life and to see with what sweet unconsciousness she carries her religion into every detail I am sure it must do me good to be here and yet if I am growing better how slowly how slowly it is someone has said that our course heavenward is like the plan of the zealous pilgrims of old who for every three steps forward took one backward April 30 auntie's baby my dear father's namesake and hitherto the merriest little fellow I ever saw was taken sick last night very suddenly she sent for the doctor at once who could not say positively what was the matter but this morning pronounced it scarlet fever the three youngest have all come down with it today if they were my children I should be in a perfect worry and flurry indeed I am as it is but auntie is as bright and cheerful as ever she flies from one to another and keeps up their spirits with her own gaiety I am mortified to find that at such a time as this I can think of myself and that I find it irksome to be shut up in sick rooms instead of walking, driving, visiting and the like but as Dr. Cabot says I can now choose to imitate my master who spent his whole life in doing good and I do hope too to be of some little use to auntie after her kindness to me May 1 the doctor says the children are doing as well as could be expected he made a short visit this morning as it is Sunday if I had ever seen him before I should say I had some unpleasant association with him I wonder auntie employs such a great clumsy man but she says he is good and very skillful I wish I did not take such violent dislikes and dislikes to people I want my religion to change me in every respect May 2 oh I know now this is the very who was so rude at Sunday school and afterwards made such a nice address to the children well he may know how to speak in public but I am sure he doesn't in private I never knew such a shut up man May 4 my hands as full as they can hold the children have got so fond of me and one or the other is in my lap nearly all the time I sing to them tell them stories build block houses and relieve auntie all I can dull and pokey as the doctor is I am not afraid of him for he never notices anything I say or do and while he is holding solemn consultations with auntie in one corner I can sing and talk all sorts of nonsense to my little pets in mine what fearful black eyes he has and what masses of black hair this busy life quite suits me now I have got used to it and it sweetens every bit of work to think that I am doing it in humble far off yet real imitation of Jesus I am indeed really and truly happy May 14 it is now two weeks since little Raymond was taken sick and I have lived in the nursery all the time though auntie has tried to make me go out little Emma was taken down today though she has been kept on the third floor all the time I feel dreadful myself but this hard cold doctor of aunties is so taken up with the children that he never so much as looks at me I have been in a perfect shiver all day but these merciless little folk call for stories as eagerly as ever well let me be a comfort to them if I can I hate selfishness more and more and am shocked to see how selfish I have been May 15 I was in a burning fever all night and my head ached and my throat was and is very sore and if I knew I was going to die I would burn up this journal first I would not have anyone see it for the world May 24 Doctor Elliot asked me on Sunday morning a week ago if I still felt well for aunts I behaved like a goose and burst out crying auntie looked more anxious than I have seen her look yet and reproached herself for having allowed me to be with the children she took me by one elbow and the doctor by the other and they marched me off to my own room where I was put through the usual routine on such occasions and then ordered to bed I fell asleep immediately and slept all day the doctor came to see me in the evening and made a short stiff little visit gave me a powder and said he thought I should soon be better I had two such visits from him the next day when I began to feel quite like myself again and in spite of his grave staid deportment could not help letting my good spirits run away with me in a style that evidently shocked him he says persons nursing scarlet fever often have such little attacks as mine indeed every one of the servants have had a sore throat and headache May 25 this morning just as the doctor shuffled in on his big feet it came over me how ridiculously I must have looked the day I was taken sick being walked off between auntie and himself crying like a baby I burst out laughing and no consideration I could make to myself would stop me I pinched myself asked myself how I should feel if one of the children should die and used other kindred devices all to no purpose at last the doctor gravity personified as he is joined in though not knowing in the least what he was laughing at then he said after this I suppose I shall have to pronounce you convalescent oh no I cried I am very sick indeed it looks like it to be sure said auntie I suppose this will be your last visit I went on and I am glad of it after the way I behaved the day I was taken sick I have been ashamed to look you in the face but I feel it dreadfully he made no answer whatever I don't suppose he would speak a little flattering word by way of putting one in good humour with oneself for the whole world June 1 we are all as well as ever but the doctor keeps some of the children still confined to the house for fear of bad consequences following the fever he visits them twice a day for the same reason or at least under that pretense but I really believe he comes because he has got the habit of coming and because he admires auntie so much she has a real affection for him and is continually asking me if I don't like this and that quality in him which I can't see at all we begin to drive out again the weather is very warm but I feel perfectly well June 2 after the children's dinner today I took care of them while the nurse got hers and auntie went to lie down as she is all tired out we were all full of life and fun and some of the little ones wanted me to play a play of their own invention which was to lie down on the floor cover my face with a handkerchief and make believe I was dead they were to gather about me and I was suddenly to come to life and jump up and try to catch them as they all ran scampering and screaming about we had played in this interesting way for some time and my hair which I keep in nice order nowadays was pulled down and flying every way when in much the doctor I started up and came to life quickly enough when I heard his step looking red and angry, no doubt I think you might have knocked Dr. Elliot, I said with much displeasure I ask your pardon I knocked several times he returned I need hardly ask how my little patients are no, I replied still ruffled and making desperate efforts to get my hair into some sort of order they are as well as possible I came a little earlier than usual today he went on because I am called to visit my uncle Dr. Cabard who is in a very critical state of health Dr. Cabard I repeated bursting into tears compose yourself I entreat he said I hope that I may be able to relieve him at all events at all events if you let him die it will break my heart I cried passionately don't wait another moment go this instant I cannot go this instant he replied the boat does not leave until four o'clock and if I may be allowed as a physician to say one word that my brief acquaintance hardly justifies I do wish to warn you that unless you acquire more self-control oh I know that I have a quick temper and that I spoke very rudely to you just now I interrupted not a little startled by the seriousness of his manner I did not refer to your temper he said I mean your whole passionate nature your vehement loves and hates your ecstasies and your despondences your disposition to throw yourself headlong into whatever interests you I would rather have too little self-control I resorted resentfully as a stone and as hard as a rock and as silent as the grave like some people I know his countenance fell he looked disappointed even pained I shall probably see your mother he said turning to go your aunt wishes me to call on you have you any message no I said another pained disappointed look made me begin to recollect myself I was sorry all so sorry for my anger and rudeness I ran after him into the hall my eyes full of tears holding out both hands which he took in his don't go until you have forgiven me for being so angry I cried indeed Dr. Elliot though you may not be able to believe it I am trying to do right all the time I do believe it earnestly then tell me that you forgive me if I once begin I shall be tempted to tell you something else he said looking at me through and through with those great dusky eyes and I will tell you he went on his grasp on my hands growing firmer it is easy to forgive when one loves I pulled my hands away and burst out crying again oh Dr. Elliot this is dreadful I said you do not you cannot love me you are so much older than I am so grave and silent you are not in earnest I am only too much so he said and went quietly out I went back to the nursery the children rushed upon me and insisted that I should play die I let them pull me about as they pleased I only wished I could play it in earnest Chapter 8 of Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentice Chapter 8 June 28 Mother writes me that Dr. Cabot is out of danger Dr. Elliot having thrown new light on his case and performed some sort of an operation that relieved him at once I am going home nothing would tempt me to encounter those black eyes again the weather is growing warm and Auntie is getting ready to go out of town with the children June 29 Auntie insisted on knowing why I was herring home so suddenly and at last got it out of me inch by inch on the whole it was a relief to have someone to speak to well she said and leaned back in her chair in a fit of musing is that all you are going to say Auntie I ventured to ask at last no I have one more remark to add and it is this I don't know which of you has behaved most ridiculously it would relieve me to give you each a good shaking I think Dr. Elliot has behaved ridiculously I said and he has made me most unhappy unhappy unhappies repeated I don't wonder you are unhappy you have pained and wounded one of the noblest men that walks the earth it is not my fault I never tried to make him like me yes you did you were perfectly bewitching whenever he came here no mortal man could help being fascinated I knew this was not true and bitterly resented Auntie's injustice if I wanted to fascinate or bewitch a man I cried I should not choose one old enough to be my father nor one who was as uninteresting, awkward and stiff as Dr. Elliot besides how should I know he was not married if I thought anything about it at all I certainly thought of him as a middle aged man settled down with wife long ago in the first place he is not old or even middle aged he is not more than 27 or 8 as to his being uninteresting perhaps he is to you who don't know him and if you were a married man what business had he come here to see you as he has done I did not know he came to see me he never spoke to me and I always said I would never marry a doctor we all say scores of things I loved to repent, she replied but I must own that the doctor acted quite out of character when he expected you to take fancy to him on such short notice your romantic little thing of course knowing him as little as you do and only seeing him in sick rooms you could not have done otherwise than as you did thank you Auntie I said running and throwing my arms around her thank you with all my heart and now won't you take back what you said about my trying to fascinate him your child she said I was not half an earnest the truth is I am so fond of you both that the idea of your misunderstanding each other annoys me extremely why you were made for each other he would tone you down and keep you straight and you would stimulate him and keep him awake I don't want to be toned down or kept straight I remonstrated I hate prigs who keep their wise and leading strings I do not mean to marry anyone but if I should be left to such a piece of folly it must be to one who will take me for better for worse just as I am and not as a wild plant for him to prune till he has got it into a shape to suit him now Auntie promise me one thing never mention Dr. Elliott's name to me again I shall make no such promise she replied laughing I like him and I like to talk about him and the more you hate and despise him the more I shall love and admire him I only wish my Lucy world enough to be his wife and that he could fancy her but he never could on the contrary I should think that little model of propriety would just suit him I exclaimed don't make fun of Lucy, Auntie said, shaking her head she is a dear good child after all after all means this for what with my own observation and what Auntie had told me Lucy's portrait is easy to paint the child is the daughter of a man who died from a lingering illness caused by an accident she entered the family at a most inauspicious moment two days after this accident from the outset she comprehended the situation and took the ground of a character of irreproachable dignity and propriety became an infant coming at such a time she never cried never put improper objects into her mouth never bumped her head or scratched herself once put to bed at night you knew nothing more of her till such time next day as you found it convenient to attend to her if you forgot her existence under the circumstances she vegetated on, unmoved it is possible that pangs of hunger sometimes assailed her and it is the fact that she teed had the measles and the whooping cough but these menude ripples on her infant life only showed the more clearly what a waveless plus little see it was she got her teeth in the order laid down in dewy's own children her measles came out on the appointed day like well-behaved measles as they were and retired decently and in order as measles should her whooping cough had a well-bred methodical air and left her a conqueror of the field as the child passed out of her babyhood she remained still her mother's appendage and glory a monument of pure white marble displaying to the human race one instance at least of perfect parental training those smooth round hands were always magically clean the dress, immaculate and uncrumpled the hair dutifully shining and tidy she was a model child as she had been a model baby no slamming of doors no litter of carpets no pattering of noisy feet on the stairs no headless dolls, no soiled or torn books indicated her presence her dolls were subject to a methodical training not unlike her own they rose, they were dressed, they took the air they were tired for the night with clock-like regularity at the advanced age of eight she seized occupying herself with such trifles and began a course of instructive reading the lessons were received in mute submission like medicine, so many doses so many times a day an agreeable interlude of needlework was afforded and orchids like many were the garments that resulted for the poor give her the very eyes out of your head cut off your right hand for her if you choose but don't expect a gush of enthusiasm that would crumple your collar she would as soon as strangle herself as run headlong to embrace you if she had any passions or emotions they were kept under she asks for passion in a blamange or seeks emotion in a comfortable apple pudding when her father had been dead a year her mother married a man with a large family of children and a very small purse Lucy had a hard time of it especially as her stepfather a quick, impulsive man took a dislike to her Auntie had no difficulty persuading them to give the child to her she took from the purest motives and it does seem as if she ought to have more reward than she gets she declares, however, that she has all the reward she could ask in the conviction that God accepts this attempt to please him Lucy is now nearly fourteen very large of her age with a dead white skin, pale blue eyes and a little light hair to hear her talk is most edifying her babies are all babes she never begins anything but commences it she never cries, she weeps never gets up in the morning, but rises why am I writing all this for? why to escape my own thoughts which are anything but agreeable companions and to put off answering the question which must be answered have I really made a mistake in refusing Dr. Elliott? could I not in time have come to love a man who has so honored me? July 5th here I am again, safely at home and very pleasant it seems to be with dear mother again I have told her about Dr. E she says very little about it one way or the other July 10th mother sees that I am restless and out of sorts what is it dear? she asked this morning has Dr. Elliott anything to do with the unsettled state you are in? why no mother I answered my going away has broken up all my habits that's all still if I knew Dr. Elliott did not care much and was beginning to forget it I daresay I should feel better if you were perfectly sure that you could never return his affection she said you were quite right in telling him so at once but if you had any misgivings on the subject it would have been better to wait and to ask God to direct you yes it would but at the moment I had no misgivings in my usual headlong style I settled one of the most weighty questions of my life without reflection without so much as one silent appeal to God to tell me how to act and now I have forever repelled and thrown away a heart that truly loved me he will go his way and I shall go mine he never will know what I am only just beginning to know myself that I yearn after his love with unutterable yearning I am not going to sit down in sentimental despondency to weep over this irreparable past no human being could forgive such folly as mine but God can in my sorrowfulness and loneliness I fly to him and find what is better than earthly felicity the sweetest peace he allowed me to bring upon myself in one hasty moment a shadow out of which I will not soon pass but he pities and he forgives me and I have had many precious moments when I could say sincerely and joyfully whom have I in heaven but thee and there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee with a character still so undisciplined as mine I seriously doubt whether I could have made him happy who has honored me with his unmerited affection sometimes I think I am as impetuous and as quick-tempered as ever I get angry with dear mother and with James even if they oppose me how unfit then I am to become the mistress of a household and the wife of a good man how came he to love me I cannot cannot imagine August 31st the last day of the very happiest summer I ever spent if I had only been willing to believe the testimony of others I might have been just as happy long ago but I wanted to have all there was in God and all there was in the world at once a constant painful struggle between the two I hope that struggle is now over I deliberately choose and prefer God I have found a sweet peace in trying to please him such as I never conceived of I would not change it for all the best things this world can give but I have a great deal to learn I am like a little child who cannot run to get what he wants but approaches it step by step slowly, timidly and yet approaches it I am amazed at the patience of my blessed master and teacher but how I love his school September this too has been a delightful month in a certain sense Emilia's marriage I wish I had to be present upset me a little but it was but a little ruffle on a deep sea of peace I saw Dr. Cabot today he is quite well again and speaks of Dr. Elliot's skill with rapture he asked about my Sunday scholars and my poor folks etc I want to help letting out a little of the new joy that has taken possession of me this is as it should be he said I should be very sorry to see a person of your temperament enthusiastic in everything save religion do not be discouraged if you still have some ups and downs he that is down need fear no fall but you are away up on the heights and may have one now and then this made me a little uncomfortable I don't want any falls I want to go on to perfection October 1st Laura Cabot came to see me today and seemed very affectionate I hope we may see more of each other than we have done she began my father wishes it and so do I Katie mentally ah he sees how unworldly how devoted I am and so once Laura under my influence Katie allowed I am sure that is very kind Laura not at all he knows that it will be profitable to me to be with you I get a good deal discouraged at times and one different to strengthen and help me Katie to herself yes yes he thinks me quite experienced and trustworthy Katie allowed I shall never dare to try to help you Laura oh yes you must I am so far behind you in Christian experience but I am ashamed to write down anymore after she had gone I felt delightfully puffed up for a while but when I came up to my room this evening and now down to pray everything dark and chaotic God seemed far away and I took no pleasure in speaking to him I felt sure that I had done something or felt something wrong and asked him to show me what it was then they're flashed into my mind the remembrance of the vain conceded thoughts I had had during Laura's visit and ever since how perfectly contemptible I have had a fallen deed I think now my first mistake was in telling Dr. Cabot my secret sacred joys as if some merit of mine had earned them for me that gave Satan a fine chance to triumph over me after this I am determined to maintain the utmost reserve in respect to my religious experiences nothing is gained by running to tell them and much is lost I feel depressed and comfortless and of chapter 8 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Megan Olson Waxaw, North Carolina July 2007 Stepping Heaven Word by E. Prentice Chapter 9 October 10th we have very sad news from Auntie she says my uncle is quite broken down with some obscure disease that has been creeping stealthily along for months all his physicians agree that he must give up his business and try the effect of a year's rest Dr. Elliott proposes his going to Europe which seems to me about as formidable as going to the next world Auntie makes the best she can of it but she says the thought of being separated from uncle a whole year is dreadful I pray for her day and night that this wild project may be given up why he would be on the ocean ever so many weeks exposed to all the discomforts of narrow quarters and poor food and that just as winter is drawing nigh October 12th Auntie writes that the voyage to Europe has been decided on and that Dr. Elliott is to accompany uncle travel with him, amuse him and bring him home a well man I hope Dr. E's power to amuse may exist somewhere but must own it was in a most latent form when I had the pleasure of knowing him poor Auntie, how much better it would be for her to go with uncle there are the children to be sure well I hope uncle may be the better for this great undertaking but I don't like the idea of it October 15th another letter from Auntie and new plans the doctor is to stay at home Auntie is to go with uncle and we, mother and myself are to take possession of the house and children during their absence in other words all this is to be if we say amen could anything be more frightful? to refuse would be selfish and cruel if we consent I thrust myself under Dr. Elliott's very nose October 16th mother is surprised that I can hesitate one instant she seems to have forgotten all about Dr. E she says we can easily find a family to take this house for a year and that she is delighted to do anything for Auntie that can be done November 4th here we are the whole thing settled uncle and Auntie started a week ago and we are monarchs of all we survey and this is a great deal I am determined that mother shall not be worn out with these children although of course I could not offer them without her advice and help it is to be hoped they won't all have the measles in a body or anything of that sort I am sure it would be annoying to Dr. E to come here now November 25th of course the baby must go on teething if only to have the doctor sent forward to Lance his gums I told mother I was sure I could not be present when this was being done so though she looked surprised and said people should custom themselves to such things she volunteered to hold baby herself November 26th the baby was afraid of mother not being used to her so she sent for me as I entered the room she gave him to me with an apology for doing so since I shrank from witnessing the operation what must Dr. E think I am made of if I can't bear to see a child's gums Lance however it is my own fault that thinks me such a coward for I made mother think me one it was very embarrassing to hold baby and have the doctor's face so close to mine I really wonder mother should not see how awkwardly I am situated here November 27th we have a good many visitors friends of uncle and auntie how uninteresting most people are they all say the same thing namely how strange that auntie had courage to undertake such a voyage and to leave her children etc etc etc etc and what was Dr. Elliott thinking of to let them go etc etc etc etc Dr. Embry called today with a pretty little fresh creature his new wife who hangs on his arm like a work bag he is Dr. Elliott's intimate friend and spoke of him very warmly and so did his wife who says she has known him always as they were born and brought up in the same village I wonder he did not marry her himself instead of leaving her for Dr. Embry she says he Dr. Elliott I mean was the most devoted son she ever saw and that he deserves his present success because he has made such sacrifices for his parents I never met anyone whom I liked so well on such short acquaintance I mean Mrs. Embry though you might fancy you poor deluded journal you that I meant somebody else November 30th I have so much to do that I have little time for writing the way the children wear out their shoes and stockings the speed with which their hair grows the way they bump their heads and pinch their fingers and the insatiable demand for stories is something next to miraculous not a day passes that somebody doesn't need something bought that somebody else doesn't choke itself and that I don't have to tell stories till I feel my intellect reduced to the size of a pea if ever I was alive and wide awake however it is just now and in spite of some vague shadows of I don't know what I am very happy indeed so is dear mother she and the doctor have become bosom friends he keeps her making beef tea scraping lint and boiling calves feet for jelly till the house smells like a hospital I suppose he thinks me a poor selfish frivolous girl whom nothing would attempt to raise a finger for his invalids but of course I do not care what he thinks December 4th Dr. Elliot came this morning to ask mother to go with him to see a child who had met with a terrible accident she turned pale and pressed her lips together but went at once to get ready then my long suppressed wrath burst out how can you ask poor mother to go and see such sights I cried you must think her nothing but a stone if you suppose that after the way in which my father died it was indeed most thoughtless in me he interrupted but your mother is such a rare woman so decided and self controlled yet so gentle so full of tender sympathy that I hardly know where to look for just the help I need today if you could see this poor child even you would justify me even you you monster of selfishness heart of stone floating bubble even you would justify it how cruel how unjust how unforgiving he is I rushed out of the room and cried till I was tired December 6 mother says she feels really grateful to doctor E for taking her to see that child and to help soothe and comfort it while he went through with a severe painful operation which she would not describe because she fancied I looked pale I said I should think the child's mother the most proper person to soothe it on such an occasion the poor thing has no mother to approach fully what has gotten into you Kate you do not seem at all like yourself I should think you had enough to do with this great house to keep in order so many mouths to fill and so many servants to oversee without wearing yourself out with nursing all doctor Elliott's poor folks I said gloomily the more I have to do the happier I am she replied dear Katie I like to be with those who have wounds and bruises of their own and doctor Elliott seems to have divined this by instinct I ran and kissed her dear pale face which grows more beautiful every day no wonder she misses father so he loved and honored her beyond description and never forgot one of those little courtesies which must have a great deal to do with the wife's happiness people said of him that he was a gentleman at school and that race is dying out I feel a good deal out of sorts myself oh I do so wish to get above myself and all my childish petty ways and to live in a region where there is no temptation and no sin December 22 I have been to see Mrs. Embry today she did not receive me as cordially as usual and I very soon resolved to come away she changed me however would you mind my speaking to you on a certain subject she asked with some embarrassment I felt myself flush up I do not want to meddle with affairs that don't concern me she went on but doctor Elliott and I have been intimate friends all our lives and his disappointment has really distressed me one of my moods came on and I couldn't speak a word you are not at all the sort of girl I suppose he would fancy she continued he always has said he was waiting to find someone just like his mother and she is one of the gentlest meekest sweetest and fairest among women you are to rejoice then that he has escaped the snare I said in a husky voice and is free to marry his ideal when he finds her but that is just what troubles me he is not free he is not attached himself readily and I am afraid it will be a long long time before he gets over this unlucky passion for you passion I cried contemptuously she looked at me with some surprise and then went on most girls would jump at the chance of getting such a husband I don't know that I particularly care to be classed with most girls I replied loftily but if you only knew him as well as I do he is so noble so disinterested and is so beloved by his patients I could tell you scores of anecdotes about him that would show you just what he is thank you I said I think we have discussed Dr. Elliott quite enough already I cannot say that he has elevated himself in my opinion by making you take up the cudgels in his defense you do him injustice when you say that his sister the only person to whom he confided the state of things begged me to find out if I could whether you had any other attachment and if her brother's case was quite hopeless but I am sorry I undertook the task as it has annoyed you so much I came away a good deal ruffled when I got home mother said she was glad I had been out at last for a little recreation and that she wished I did not confine my children I said that I did not confine myself more than auntie did but that is different mother objected she is their own mother and love helps her to bear her burden so it does me I returned I love the children exactly as if they were my own that she said is impossible I certainly do I persisted mother would not dispute with me I wished she would a mother she went on receives her children one at a time and gradually adjusts herself to gradually increasing burdens but you take a whole house full upon you at once and I am sure it is too much for you you do not look or act like yourself it isn't the children I said what is it then why it's nothing I said pettishly here said mother not noticing my manner that your wonderful devotion to the children aside from its effect on your health and temper has given me great delight I don't see why I said very few girls of your age would give up their whole time as you do to such work that is because very few girls are as fond of children as I am there is no virtue in doing exactly what one likes best to do there go away you contrary child said mother laughing if you won't be praised you won't so I came up here and moped a little I don't see what ails me but there is an undercurrent of peace that is not entirely disturbed by any outside event in spite of my follies and my shortcomings I do believe that God loves and pities me and will yet perfect that which will turn with me it is a great mystery but so is everything Dr. Elliot to Mrs. Crofton and now my dear friend having issued my usual bulletin of health you may feel quite at ease about your dear children and I come to a point in your letter which I would gladly pass over in silence but this would be but a poor return for the interest you express in my affairs both ladies are devoted to your little flock and Miss Mortimer seems not to have a thought but for them the high opinion I formed of her at the outset is more than justified by all I see of her daily household life I know what her faults are for she seems to take delight in revealing them but I also know her rare virtues and what a wealth of affection she has to bestow on the man who is so happy as to win her heart but I shall never be that man her growing aversion to me makes me dread a summons to your house and I have hardly manliness enough to conceal the pain this gives me I entreat you therefore never again to press this subject upon me after all I would not if I could dispense with the ministry of disappointment and unrest Mrs. Crofton in reply so she hates you does she I am charmed to hear it the difference would be an alarming symptom but good cordial hatred or what looks like it is a most hopeful sign the next chance you get to see her alone assure her that you never shall repeat your first offence if nothing comes of it I am not a woman and never was one nor is she March 25th 1836 the new year and my birthday have come and gone and this is the first moment I could find for writing down all that has happened the day after my last date I was full of serious earnest thoughts of new desires to live without one reserve for God I was smarting under the remembrance of my folly at Mrs. Embry's and with a sense of vague disappointment and discomfort and had to fly closer than ever to him in the evening I thought I would go to the usual service it is true I don't like prayer meetings and that it is a bad sign I am afraid but I am determined to go where good people go and see if I can't learn to like what they like mother went with me of course what was my surprise to find that Dr. E was to preside I had no idea that he was that sort of a man the hymns they sang were beautiful and did me good so was prayer if all prayers were like that I am sure I should like evening meetings as much as I now dislike them he so evidently spoke to God in it and as if he were used to such speaking he then made a little address on the ministry of disappointments as he called it he spoke so cheerfully and hopefully that I began to see almost for the first time God's reason for the petty trials and crosses that helped to make every day of one's life he said there were few who were not constantly disappointed with themselves with their slow progress their childishness and weakness disappointed with their friends who strangely enough were never quite perfect enough and disappointed with the world which was always promising so much and giving so little then he urged to a wise and patient consent to this discipline which if rightly used would help to temper and strengthen the soul against the day of sorrow and bereavement but I am not doing him justice in this meager report there was something almost heavenly in his expression which words cannot describe coming out I heard someone ask who was that young clergyman and the answer oh that is only a doctor well the next week I went again we had hardly taken our seats when Dr. E marched in with the sweetest looking little creature I ever saw he was so taken up with her that he did not observe either mother or myself as she sat by my side I could not see her full face but her profile was nearly perfect her eyes were of that lovely blue one sees in violets and the skies with long soft eyelashes and her complexion was as pure as a baby's yet she was not one of your doll beauties her face expressed both feeling and character they sang together from the same book though I offered her a share of mine of course when people do that it can mean but one thing so it seems he has forgotten me and consoled himself with this pretty little thing no doubt she is like his mother that gentlest, meekest sweetest and fairest among women now if anybody should be sick and he should come here I thought what would become of me I certainly could not help showing that a love that can so soon take up with a new object could not have been a sentiment of much depth it is not pleasant to lose even a portions of one's respect and esteem for another the next day mother went to visit an old friend of hers who has a beautiful place outside of the city the baby's nurse had ironing to do so I promised to sit in the nursery till it was finished Lucy came with her books to sit with me she always follows like my shadow after a while Mrs. Embry called I hesitated a little about trusting the child to Lucy's care for though her prim ways have given her the reputation of being wise beyond her years I observe that she is apt to get into trouble which a quick-witted child would not be able to resist or jump out of in a twinkling however children are often left to much younger girls so with many cautions I went down resolving to stay only a few moments but I wanted so much to know all about that pretty little friend of Dr. Ease that I let Mrs. Embry stay on and on though not a ray of light did I get for my pains at last I heard Lucy's step entering the room with her usual propriety I was seated by the window engaged with my studies and the children were playing about as usual when suddenly I heard a shriek and one of them ran past me all in a blaze and I believe I pushed her out of my way as I rushed upstairs for I took it for granted I should meet the little figure all in a blaze coming to meet me but I found it wrapped in a blanket and the flames extinguished meanwhile Mrs. Embry had roused the whole house and everybody came running upstairs get the doctor some of you I cried clasping the poor little writhing form in my arms and then I looked to see which of them it was and found it was Auntie's pet lamb everybody's pet lamb our little loving gentle Emma Dr. Elliot must have come on wings for I had not time to be impatient for his arrival he was as tender as a woman with Emma we cut off and tore off her clothes wherever the fire had touched her and he dressed the burns with his own hands he did not speak a word to me or I to him this time he did not find it necessary to advise me to control myself I was as cold and hard as a stone but when poor little Emma's piercing shrieks began to subside and she came a little under the influence of some soothing drops he had given her at the outset I began to feel that sensation in the back of my neck that leads to conquest over the most stubborn and the most heroic I had just time to get Emma into the doctor's arms and then down I went I got over it in a minute and was up again before anyone had time to come to the rescue but Dr. E gave Emma to Mrs. Embry who had taken off her things crying the whole time and said in a low voice I beg you will now leave the room and lie down and do not feel obliged to see me when I visit the child that annoyance at least you should spare yourself no consideration shall make me neglect little Emma I replied defiantly by this time Mrs. Embry had rocked her to sleep and she lay pale and with an air of complete exhaustion in her arms you must lie down now Ms. Mortimer Dr. Elliott said as he rose to go I will return in a few hours to see how you both do he stood looking at Emma but did not go then Mrs. Embry asked the question I had not dared to ask is the poor child in danger I cannot say I trust not Ms. Mortimer's presence of mind in extinguishing the flames at once I hoped saved its life it was not my presence of mind it was Lucy's I cried eagerly oh how I envied her for being the heroine and for the surprise delighted smile with which he went and took her hand saying I congratulate you Lucy how your mother will rejoice at this I tried to think of nothing but poor little Emma and of the reward Auntie had had for her kindness to Lucy and of myself and how likely it was that under the same circumstances I should have been beside myself and done nothing this and many other emotions made me burst out crying yes cry cry with all your heart said Mrs. Embry laying Emma gently down and coming to get me into her arms it will do you good poor child she cried with me till I well the days and the weeks were very long after that dear mother had a hard time what with her anxiety about Emma in my crossness and unreasonableness Dr. Elliot came and went came and went at last he said all danger was over and that our patient little darling would get well but his visits did not diminish he came twice and three times every day sometimes I hoped he would tell us about his new flame and sometimes I felt that I could not hear her mentioned one day mother was so unwell that I had to help him dress Emma's burns and I could not help saying even a mother's gentlest touch full of love as it is is almost rough compared with that of one train to such careful handling as you are he looked gratified but said I am glad you begin to find that mother's feel sometimes another time something was said about the fickleness of women Mrs. Embry began it I fired up of course he seemed astonished at my attack I said nothing he declared no but you looked to good many things now the fact is women are not fickle when they lose what they value most they find it impossible to replace it but men console themselves with the first good thing that comes along I dare say I spoke bitterly for I was thinking how soon I mean somebody replaced me in his shallow heart and how with equal speed Dr. Elliott had helped himself to a new love I do not like these sweeping assertions said Dr. Elliott looking a good deal annoyed I have to say what I think I persisted it is well to think rightly then he said gravely by the by have you heard from Helen Mrs. Embry most irreverently asked yes I heard yesterday I suppose you will be writing her then will you enclose a little note from me or rather let me have the least corner of your sheet I was shocked at her want of delicacy of course this Helen must be the new love and how could a woman with two grains of sense imagine he would want to spare her a part of his sheet I felt tired and irritated as soon as Dr. Elliott had gone I began to give her a good setting down I could hardly believe my ears I said when I heard you ask leave to write on Dr. Elliott's sheet no wonder she said laughing I suppose you never knew what it was to have to count every shilling and to deny yourself the pleasure of writing to a friend because of what it would cost I'm sure I never did till I was married but to ask him to let you help write his love letters I objected ah is that the way the wind blows she cried nodding her pretty little head well then let me relieve your mind my dear by informing you that this love letter is to his sister my dearest friend and the sweetest little thing you ever saw oh I said and immediately felt quite rested and quite like myself like myself and who is she pray two souls dwell in my poor little body and which of them is me and which of them isn't it would be hard to tell this is the way they behave seen first Katie to the other creature whom I will call Kate your mother looks tired and you have been very cross run and put your arms around her and tell her how you love her Kate oh I can't it would look queer I don't like palaver besides who would not be cross who felt as I do seen second Katie little Emma has nothing to do and ought to be amused tell her a story do Kate I'm tired I need to be amused myself Katie but the dear little thing is so patient and has suffered so much Kate well I have suffered too if she had not climbed up on the fender she would not have got burned seen third Katie you are very irritable today you had better go upstairs to your room and pray for patience Kate I don't feel like it seen fourth Katie you treat Dr. Elliott shamefully I should think he would really avoid you as you avoid him Kate don't let me hear his name I don't avoid him Katie you do not deserve his good opinion Kate yes I do seen fifth just awake in the morning Katie oh dear I am I am cross and selfish and domineering and vain I think of myself the whole time I behave like a heroine when Dr. Elliott is present and like a naughty spoiled child when he is not poor mother how can she endure me as to my piety it is worse than none Kate a few hours later well nobody can deny that I have a real gift and I am very lovable or mother wouldn't be so fond of me I am always pleasant unless I am sick or worried and my temper is not half so hasty as it used to be I never think of myself but am all the time doing something for others as to Dr. E I am thankful to say that I have never stooped to attract him by putting on airs and graces he sees me just as I am and I am very devout good books and to be with good people I pray a great deal the bare thought of doing wrong makes me shudder mother is proud of me and I don't wonder very few girls would behave as I did when Emma was burned perhaps I am not as sweet as some people I am glad of it I hate sweet people I have great strength of character which is much better and am certainly very high toned for journal you can't stand any more such stuff can you but tell me one thing am I Katie or am I Kate end of chapter 9 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Megan Olson from North Carolina July 2007 stepping heavenward by E. Prentice Chapter 10 April 20th yesterday I felt better than I have done since the accident I ran about the house quite cheerly for me I wanted to see mother for something and flew singing into the parlor where I had left her shortly before but she was not there and Dr. Elliott was I started back and was about to leave the room but he detained me come in I beg of you he said his voice growing horser and horser let us put a stop to this to what I asked going nearer and nearer and looking up into his face which was quite pale to your evident terror of being alone with me of hearing me speak all that nothing would tempt me to annoy you by urging myself upon you as you seem to fear I may be tempted to do I cannot force you to love me nor would I if I could if you ever want a friend you will find one in me but do not think of me as your lover or treat me as if I were always lying and wait for a chance to remind you of it that I shall never do never oh no of course not I broke forth my face all in a glow and tears of mortification raining down my cheeks I knew you did not care for me I knew you had got over it I don't know which of us began it I don't think he did and I am sure I did not but the next moment I was folded up all in his great long arms and a new life had begun mother opened the door not long after and seeing what was going on trotted away on her dear feet as fast as she could April 21st I am too happy to write journals to think how we love each other mother behaves beautifully April 25th one does not feel like saying much about it when one is as happy as I am I walk the streets as one treading on air I fly about the house as on wings I kiss everybody I see now that I look at Ernest for he makes me call him so with unprejudiced eyes I wonder I ever thought him clumsy and how ridiculous it was in me to confound his dignity and manliness with age it is very odd however that such a cautious, well balanced man should have fallen in love with me that day at Sunday school and still stranger that with my headlong impulsive nature I deliberately walked into love with him I believe we shall never get through with what we have to say to each other I am afraid we are rather selfish to leave mother to herself every evening September 5th this has been a delightful summer to be sure we had to take the children to the country for a couple of months but Ernest's letters are almost better than Ernest himself I have written enough to him to fill a dozen books back to the city now in his last letter Ernest says he had been home and that his mother is delighted to hear of his engagement he says too that he went to see an old lady one of his friends of his boyhood to tell the news to her when I told her he goes on that I had found the most beautiful the noblest the most loving of human beings I know dear that it is not at all of course but the very strangest most wonderful event in the history of the world and then he described a scene he had just witnessed at the deathbed of a young girl of my own age who left this world and every possible earthly joy with a delight in the going to be with Christ that made him really eloquent oh how glad I am that God has cast in my lot and whose whole business is to minister to others I am sure this will of itself keep him unworldly and unselfish how delicious it is to love such a character and how happy I shall be to go with him to sick rooms and to dying beds he has already taught me that lessons learned in such scenes far outweigh in value what books and sermons even can teach and now my dear old journal let me tell you a secret that has to do with life and not with death I am going to be married to think that I am always to be with Ernest to sit at the table with him every day to pray with him to go to church with him to have him all mine I am sure that there is not another man on earth whom I could love as I love him the thought of marrying to I mean of having that silly commitment and in marriage was always repugnant to me but I give myself to Ernest joyfully and with all my heart how good God has been to me I do hope and pray that this new this absorbing love has not detached my soul from him will not detach it if I knew it would could I should I have courage to cut it off and cast it from me 1837 yesterday was my birthday and today is my wedding day we meant to celebrate the one with the other but Sunday would come this year on the 15th I am dressed and have turned everybody out of this room where I have suffered so much mortification and experienced so much joy that before I give myself to Ernest and before I leave home forever I may once more give myself away to God I have been too much absorbed in my earthly love and I am shocked to find how it fills my thoughts but I will belong to God I will begin my married life in his fear depending on him to make me an unselfish devoted wife January 25th we had a delightful trip after the wedding was over Ernest proposed to take me to his own home that I might see his mother and sister he never said that he wanted them to see me but his mother is not well I am heartily glad of it I mean I was glad to escape going there to be examined and criticized every one of them would pick at me I am sure and I don't like to be picked at we have a home of our own and I am trying to take kindly to housekeeping Ernest is a way a great deal more than I expected he would be I am fearfully lonely and he comes to see me as often as she can and I go there almost every day but that doesn't amount to much as soon as I can venture to it I shall ask Ernest to let me invite mother to come and live with us it is not right for her to be left all alone so I hoped he would do that himself but men are not like women we think of everything February 15th our honeymoon ends today there hasn't been quite as much honey in it as I expected I supposed that Ernest would be at home every evening at least and that he would read aloud and have me play and sing and that we would have delightful times together but now he has got me he seems satisfied and goes about his business as if he had been married a hundred years in the morning he goes off to see his list of patients he is going in and out all day after dinner we sit down to have a nice talk together the doorbell invariably rings and he is called away then in the evening he goes and sits in his office and studies I don't mean every minute but he certainly spends hours there today he brought me such a precious letter from dear mother I could not help crying when I read it he was so kind and so loving Ernest looked amazed he threw down his paper came and took me in his arms and asked what is the matter darling then it all came out I said I was lonely and hadn't been used to spending my evenings all by myself you must get some of your friends to come and see you poor child he said I don't want friends yes darling why didn't you tell me so sooner of course I will stay with you if you wish it if that is your only reason I am sure I don't want you I pouted he looked puzzled I really don't know what to do he said with a most comical look of perplexity but he went to his office and brought up a pile of fusty old books now dear he said we understand each other I think and read here just as well as downstairs get your book and we shall be as cozy as possible my heart felt sore and dissatisfied am I unreasonable and childish what is married life an occasional meeting a kiss here and a caress there or is it the sacred union of the twain who walk together side by side knowing each other's joys and sorrows and going heavenward hand in hand February 17th Mrs. Embry has been here today I long to compare notes with her and find out whether it really is my fault that I am not quite happy but I could not bear to open my heart to her on so sacred a subject we had some general conversation however which did me good for the time at least she said she thought one of the first lessons a wife should learn is self-forgetfulness I wondered if she had seen anything in me to call forth this remark we meet pretty often partly because our husbands are such good friends partly because she is as fond of music as I am and we like to sing and play together and I never see her that she does not do or say something elevating something that strengthens my own best purposes and desires but she knows nothing of my conflict and dismay and never will her gentle nature responds at once to holy influences I feel truly grateful to her for loving me for she really does love me and yet she must see my faults I should like to know if there is any reason on earth why a woman should learn self-forgetfulness that does not apply to a man February 18th Uncle says he has no doubt he owes his life to Ernest who in the face of opposition to other physicians insisted on his giving up his business and going off to Europe at just the right moment for his partner whose symptoms were very like his own has been stricken down with paralysis and will not recover it is very pleasant to hear Ernest praised and it is a pleasure I have very often for his friends come to see me and speak of him with rapture a lady told me that through the long illness of a sweet young daughter of hers he prayed with her every day ministering so skillfully to her soul that all fear of death was taken away and she just longed to go and did go at last with perfect delight I think he spoke of her to me once but he did not tell me that her preparations for death was his work I could not conceive of him as doing that February 24th Ernest has been gone a week his mother is worse and he had to go I wanted to go too but he said it was not worthwhile as he should have to return directly Dr. Embry takes charge of his patients during his absence and Mrs. E. and Auntie and the children come to see me very often I like Mrs. Embry more and more she is not so audacious as I am but I believe she agrees with me more than she will own February 25th Ernest writes that his mother is dangerously ill and seems in great distress I am mean enough to want all his love myself while I should hate him if he gave none to her poor Ernest if she should die he would be sadly afflicted February 27th she died the very day he wrote how I longed to fly to him and to comfort him thinking of nothing else I prayed day and night that God would make me a better wife a letter came from mother at the same time with Ernest she evidently misses me more than she will own just as soon as Ernest returns home I will ask him to let her come and live with us I am sure he will he loves her already and now that his mother has gone he will find her a real comfort I am sure she will only make February 28th such a dreadful thing is going to happen I have cried and called myself names by turns all day Ernest writes that it has been decided to give up the old homestead and scatter the family about among the married sons and daughters our share is to be his father and his sister Martha and he desires me to have two rooms got ready for them at once so all the glory beauty is snatched out of my married life at one swoop and it is done by the hand I love best and that I would not have believed could be so unkind I am rent in pieces by conflicting emotions and passions one moment I am all tenderness and sympathy for poor Ernest and ready to sacrifice everything for his pleasure the next I am bitterly angry with him for disposing of all my happiness in this arbitrary way if he had let me make common cause with him and share his interests with him I know I am not so abominably selfish as to feel as I do now but he forces two perfect strangers upon me and forever shuts our doors against my darling mother for of course she cannot live with us if they do and who knows what sort of people they are it is not everybody I can get along with nor is it everybody can get along with me now if Helen were coming instead of Martha that would be some relief I could love her I am sure and she would put up with my ways but your marthas I am afraid of oh dear dear what a nest of scorpions this affair has stirred up within me who would believe I can be thinking of my own misery well Ernest's mother whom he loved so dearly is hardly in her grave but I have no heart I am stony and cold it is well to have found out just when I am since I wrote that I have been trying to tell God all about it but I could not speak for crying and I have been getting the rooms ready how many little things I had planned to put in the best one which I intended for mother I have made myself arrange them just the same for Ernest's father the stuffed chair I have had in the room and enjoyed so much has been rolled in on the Bible with the large print placed on the little table near which I had pictured mother with her sweet pale face as sitting year after year the only thing I have taken away is the copy of father's portrait he won't want that when I had finished this business I went and shook my fist to the creature I saw in the glass you're beaten I cried you didn't want to give up the chair nor your writing table nor the Bible in which you expect to record the names of your 10 children but you have had to do it so there March 3rd they all got here at 7 o'clock last night just in time for tea I was so glad to get hold of Ernest once more that I was gracious to my guests too the very first thing however Ernest annoyed me by calling me Catherine though he knows I hate the name and want to be called Katie as if I were a lovable person as I certainly am sometimes of course his father and Martha called me Catherine too his father is even taller darker, blacker eyed blacker haired than he Martha is a spinster I had got up a nice little supper for them thinking they would need something substantial after their journey perhaps there was some vanity in the display of dainties that needed the mortification I felt at seeing my guests both push away their plates in apparent disgust Ernest too looked annoyed and expressed some regret that they could find nothing to tempt their appetites Martha said something about not expecting much from young housekeepers which I inwardly resented for the light, delicious bread had been sent by Auntie to her own table and I knew they were not the handy work of a young housekeeper but of old Chloe who had lived in her own and her mother's family twenty years Ernest went out as soon as this unlucky repast was over to hear Dr. Embry's report of his patients and we passed a dreary evening as my mind was preoccupied with longing for his return the more I tried to think of something to say I asked Martha asked what time we breakfasted at half past seven precisely I answered Ernest is very punctual about breakfast the other meals are more irregular that is very late she returned father rises early and needs his breakfast at once I said I would see that he had it as early as he liked while I foresaw that this would cost me a battle with the divinity who reigned in the kitchen if you have trouble yourself I will speak to my brother about it she said Ernest has nothing to do with it I said quickly she looked at me in a speechless way and then there was a long silence during which she shook her head a number of times at last she inquired did you make the bread that we had on the table tonight no I do not know how to make bread I said smiling at her look of horror no how to make bread she cried the very spirit of mischief got into me and made me ask why can you now I know there was but one other question I could have asked her less insulting than this and that is do you know the ten commandments a spinster fresh from a farm not know how to make bread to be sure but in a moment I was ashamed and sorry that I had yielded so to myself so far as to forget the courtesy due to her as my guest and one just home from a scene of sorrow so I rushed across the room seized her hand and said eagerly oh do forgive me it slipped out before I thought she looked at me in blank amazement unconscious that there was anything to forgive how you startled me she said I thought you had suddenly gone crazy I went back to my seat I had fallen enough all this time Ernest's father had sat grim and grave in his corner without a word but now he spoke at what hour does my son have family worship I should like to retire I feel very weary now family worship at night consists in our kneeling down together hand in hand the last thing before going to bed and in our own room changing this sweet informal habit into a formal one made me reply quickly oh Ernest is very irregular about it he is often out in the evening and sometimes we are quite late I hope you never will feel obliged to wait for him I trust I shall do my duty whatever it costs was the answer oh how I wished they would go to bed it was now ten o'clock and I felt tired and restless when Ernest is out late I usually lie on the sofa and wait for him and so I'm bright and fresh when he comes in but now I had to sit up and there was no knowing for how long I poked at the fire and knocked down the shovel and tongs now I leaned back in my chair and now I lean forward then I listened for his step at last he came what are you not all gone to bed he asked as if I could go to bed when I have scarcely seen him a moment since his return I explained why we waited and then we had prayer and escorted our guests to their rooms when we got back to the parlor I was thankful to rest my tired soul in Ernest's arms and to hear what little he had to tell about his mother's last hours you must love me more than ever now he said for I have lost my best friend yes I said I will as if that were possible all the time we were talking I heard the greatest racket overhead but he did not seem to notice it I found this morning that Martha or her father or both together had changed the positions of every article of furniture in the room making it look a fright End of chapter 10