 Hey what's up you guys, welcome back to my channel if you're new here. Hi, hello my name's Lydia And I'm going to tell videos here on YouTube pretty much every single day I posted a tweet earlier on where I was talking about how my personality changes depending on who I've been with and How I can change very depending on the circumstances I've had myself in and I thought it'd be a bit of an interesting video to share with you guys So what I decided to do is that every time that I'm doing something different or I feel different in myself I'm going to film a little introduction clip as to how I am, what I'm feeling and what my thoughts are at that time. I think that's the way me couldn't be like What would have dubbed the title of this video is meet all of me. So this is me as a whole The way BPD works is it takes these little tiny fragments of personality and puts them into little tiny bubbles and you basically pick the bubbles you want for when you are with a certain person That's the way I visualise it anyway, other people use different visualisation techniques, that's just the one I use So yeah, hi I'm Lydia, I'm 21 and I'm tired, I'm tired I've been half asleep all day and I'm extremely fatigued at the moment, yeah Then I found out I was in hospital and my body is generally more fatigued When I've been experiencing mania and then crashing in what we're in at the moment or in a bit of a numb face I don't really feel excited, I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, I just feel sleepy I feel fucking horrible at the moment, I don't like it's all one thing after the other, after the other, after the other going wrong There is only so much people can take when it's stuff like this, like there's only so much like I can do to keep myself going You know, I'm a real fucking person, we're real emotions and all those medical stuff today is just, it's just been too much It's so hard to explain, it's so fucking hard I want my brain to be quiet, I want the thoughts to stop freezing around, I want it to be just organised and straight and simple I'm so sick of everything being all down and black and white, I'm sick of it I can be all together, I can sit and make videos, I can stay and do other things, I can talk, I can be happier around people And really, like internally I'm just like so done with it all, I'm so done My emotions are very out of control at the moment, that's what I want to talk about today I don't want to do it sitting down, I want to go out for a bit and well hey, I want to go over to London and Bridget area So let's head out guys What's going on, how's it going? All of a sudden very weird, it sounded really weird like this, I just got back from the gym Those of you who don't know, I get to the gym in my building, it's like 3-4 times a week Yeah and I'm doing this little video I basically introduced like my personality at the moment I'm like go, go, go, we need to go work harder, I really want to push myself and do more things I'm just, do this shit, you know, let's fucking go Can I eat myself into the bed? Bang, down They shot me down, bang I just went out to the supermarket and What was I doing? Oh, functioning, brain, why aren't you working? Come for a reason Memory loss with mental illness Oh shit, yeah, the meat thing, the meat I'm absolutely exhausted, I just feel so, so fatigued I don't even, I haven't really, since I yeeted myself into the bed I just haven't, I just can't, just doubt the energy to I've had a lot of water, that is why I came here Yeah I literally don't want to move, because I'm comfy I'm also not comfy, and my back's in a really weird position And it hurts, but My energy It's like, oh, you can't, you've got the energy to your camera My camera was literally resting on my forehead Like, I don't think people that are bad, pretty can actually be Like, I'm fucking exhausted Like, I look pathetic, but I just don't have the energy to like, get up And move, and whatever So, chances are, I'm probably going to keep the light with my thought And I wouldn't sleep in like this, because I'm tired And he's having my meds They're just, I can hear them, they're just, I don't, I keep my radiation on like that I'm about to dive into a world that I never thought I'd be doing Never! I'm vlogging this, I'm not going to release it for fucking hours out of long, but Today is, what day is it? The 24th of October And I don't even know why, I'm literally watching YouTube Doing nothing, basically And I just got an idea, I was like, why don't I try and make a makeup brand? Why the fuck not? Like, I'm into makeup, and I've just been like, designing my logos And looking into how you actually start a brand If I ever find out who sent me this, I will literally thank you forever Because I've got a sentence in the mail, it's on my Amazon wishlist And someone ordered it back in the summer And I love stuffed animals, I don't know, it brings me back to happy memories in my childhood And I don't really have many of them running around my head, so If you didn't want to send me something, I have an Amazon gift list thing open It's the only way I can do like a PO box thing, it's not the same But yeah, no, yeah, no, it is what it is The address is associated with that, so if you click onto the list You can actually see the delivery address of which to get mail to me You can send, you don't have to buy me an Amazon, you can just send me a letter and I'll be so happy I've got so much anxiety about this home treatment, do you know what I mean? Just because I've been just troubling And I don't end up in hospital again I couldn't do that work again, I couldn't do that fucking hospital again It treated me horribly, I don't So this is like the meet all of me video which is because I My personality is so weird Like I act differently, very differently depending on how I feel I thought it's video for you, I don't know, it's probably not But yeah, this is to me that's relieved after being annoyed I was annoyed because they screwed up my prescription Thank you home treatment team And then my GP fixed it Yay Do-do-do-do-do-do Still debating going against Central I want to go into Central London and film, but I'm also like I want to sleep, it's all I want All I want is to sleep, you know I'm just having a chill, but you know But no, my prescription's a big result So I just want to sing to a thing from I'm pretty chill at the moment There you go I've literally been in bed I've got out of bed for that I wasn't awake I just wanted to sleep I just couldn't go to sleep Which is fine Even still Being to do a degree, why didn't I go in? Because I didn't want to bother Until I'd gone like, oh I want to get videos done I want to get videos done, I put up like I put up three videos Like within 24 hours I'm doing a two hour live stream And I'm still going But I'm slightly more tired now It's me, all of my videos like It's different for me It's not what I usually try and do Because I usually try and make things And keep it all understandable But like This is just my brighten functions In a different way Because my head looks in a different way Definition of mental illness I'm in such a weird mood at the moment Like I've gone from being raging and dealing With an eye stream to I went to my phone with a dog My phone's been on 1% for a hot minute I didn't even leave that far from the farm See, why am I learning about it Like in theory It's in my room It should be the heart's fire But Then you realise something It's my room And I'm not the tightest of human beings And like when I'm out there I think I'm really like weird Oh my god, but I'd be so clever I could never fucking remember So just very That's like the decision to tell you Like you'll do something You'll think oh my god, it's really clever Do it Remember it for a bit And a week later you're just like Why the fuck did I put it? I'm um I charge my phone and then go and film a video I don't think I'm gonna be able to get out tonight And if I do go out It will almost definitely end Very badly And I don't want that I'm seeing the home treatments even in the morning Um I wrote this video Shows very accurately what life with BPD is actually like Versus what people think it is It's so much more than just intense emotions It's such a complicated mental illness And if I manage to break that stigma with this Then it's done something It's not what I wanted it to be It's not got as much as I wish it had But my safety comes above YouTube It always has and it always will So with that I am gonna end this video here I hope you have learnt something from this And if you are going through something similar Reach out to those who can support you I myself am confident in the home treatment team In a minute because Like I said My thoughts aren't great right now Which in itself isn't a problem It's... I put myself in a situation that I don't want to be in That I shouldn't be in I shouldn't even be able to be in this position That I'm in right now And I don't want to go into detail on this As much as I want to go out and film I don't feel safe going out to film So I'm not going to Um Honestly thank you To those of you who have supported me through this And Just know that I'm okay And that I'll be okay Things will resolve, things will work out And I'll be back to be my bubbly self In no time Believe me That's life with BPD Your emotions are just so Unpredictable and unstable That you really can't go from this To anything really I've been feeling for four minutes This is supposed to be a really short ending I'm going to shut the fuck up and I'm very dissociated right now Just trying to regulate the breathing Um Ground myself That's what the blinking is about I always do it when I get like this Feel calmer Feel more relaxed Feel a rise of power Me drown