 Act 1 of A Little Bit of Fluff by Walter W. Ellis. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Characters John Ayers, read by Thomas Peter. Bertram Tolle, his friend, read by Campbell Shelp. Nixon Trippett, inspector of claims for the motor bus company. Read by Chuck Williamson. Dr. Biglin, also for the motor bus company. Read by Todd. Pamela, Mrs. John Ayers, read by Emma Hatton. Mammy Scott, from the 500 Club. Read by T.J. Burns. Aunt Hannah, Mr. Tolle's aunt. Read by Abaii. Ursula, Mr. Tolle's maid. Read by Alicia Messiah. Chalmers, Mrs. Ayers maid. Read by Eva Davis. Set Directions. Read by Elizabeth Holland. A Little Bit of Fluff. Act 1. Scene. John Ayers flat in Bayswater. The scene represents a room in the well-to-do flat of Mr. John Ayers in the district of Bayswater. A door to the right leads into the bedroom, and another door left leads to the hall and street. There are two French windows at the back with balconies beyond. A fireplace right above door. Mirror on mantelpiece. Easy chair right. Table upright center above door with a pot of marguerites upon it. A writing desk up left center with telephone. A fancy table down left with papers on it. Telegraph boy knock and ring heard off left. Chalmers, a maid, enters at left with one telegram on solver, and crossing meets Pamela's center who is entered by door right. Pamela is a smart woman of 35, handsome and beautifully gowned. What is it, Chalmers? Seeing telegram. Oh! Telegram, madam. Thank you. Opens and reads, gives vent to a sigh of satisfaction. Ha! She thinks. Exit Chalmers left. Telegraph boys knock and ring again off left. Chalmers enters with second telegram. What's that? Chalmers still holding solver. Another one, madam. Oh! Reads again. Yes. All right. Chalmers is going. Oh! Chalmers? I'm expecting three more. Telegrams, madam. Yes. Bring them to me directly they arrive. Very good, madam. Exits left. Pamela glances again at telegrams, and then going up places them carefully on table right center. Door slam is heard off left. Pamela surveys the room quickly and noticing her hat on table down left crosses over and conceals it with papers. Runs up to window left center and withdraws behind the window curtains. John Ayers enters door left. He looks a very smart and evening dress with coat and crush hat. He yawns and gazes sleepily around. Then crosses to armchair humming a tune and taking off coat, which he places over back of armchair, goes to mantelpiece over fireplace, and looks in mirror. What a face. Pulls himself together, takes face from mantelpiece, places against his forehead, and exits down right. Slams the door after him. Pamela comes from hiding place and listens a door right. Then picks up John's coat, comes center, and searches the inside pocket, takes out letters but finds nothing incriminating, puts them back again. She pulls the sleeves of the coat out and sniffs twice and a long whole length of sleeve. Then pulls necklace out of side pocket. Oh, oh. She replaces necklace and puts coat on back of chair, left of table right. Coming to door right, she taps loudly on it. John, heard off irritably. What is it? Pamela repeats the knocking, then crosses to center. John is obviously changing his clothes and enters chest with morning trousers and braces showing. What is it? What the devil? Oh, it's you Pam. I didn't know you were home. Haven't you been to Folkestone? Of course I have. Mother wasn't well, so we came back yesterday. Yesterday? Oh, oh, oh. Strolls off right to get his waistcoat and jacket. Heard off. Did you sleep at, uh, at mother's last night? Pamela does not answer, but is apparently annoyed. Re-enter John, butting waistcoat. I say, I suppose you slept at your mother's last night. Where did you sleep? Where did I sleep? I'm asking you. What a funny question to ask anyone. I slept at home. In there, of course. Obviously. Naturally. Whenever you adopt that innocent attitude, I always know you are telling me a willful lie. I couldn't tell you a lie if I tried. Do you remember that phrenologist we went to at Eastbourne? He told me I had an enormous bump of veracity. This is nothing to do with phrenology. I am to believe that you slept at home last night? Y-yes, of course. Why? I slept at home, too. Strange. We didn't meet. Yes, that is funny. I locked that bedroom door from half past eleven last night until nine o'clock this morning. Well, if you lock the bedroom door, how can you possibly expect me to sleep at home? Absurd. Getting into jacket. No, I'll tell you the whole facts of the case, Pam. We went to the opera last night. We? Yes, sir. My friend Tully and I. Tully had some tickets given him. And you came home together? Y-yes. And, uh, I slept at Tully's. What opera did you go to? John Braugh gestures. The, uh... The, uh... That's rather a silly question. No one ever goes to an opera and remembers anything about the performance. But the name of the opera? Oh. Oh. The name. You mean what the opera was called? Exactly. The, uh... The title? Yes. Well, uh... You know the opera where the girl comes on with a sewing machine? No. You know what I mean? A spinning wheel. Two long plates. Marguerite. Faust. That's it. Faust? Yes, Faust. With the devil in it. Business of putting fingers to forehead. And so you both went to see Faust? After that we came home. Crosses to left, laughing. Ha. I remember making a joke to Tully. Never mind the joke. Well, it was just then that I missed my latchkey. You missed your latchkey? And it was rather late to rouse Chalmers. So Tully offered me a shakedown at his place. And I stayed there. There's a good deal of Tully about it. But if you lost your latchkey, how did you get in just now? John smiling. Oh, I found the key afterwards. Well, give it to me. John hesitates. Give it to me, please. John obeys. She goes up to fireplace. While I pay the rent of the flat. Oh, don't say that. It isn't cricket, Pam, to throw the rent up in my face. After all, it was you who made me give up my office in the city. For the simplest reason you were making. I was making a profit of five pounds a week. And it was costing me another fifteen pounds to keep the office open. Coming down to John. Now look here. I have enough for both, so long as you do not work in the city. Well, I can't grab along on five pounds a week like some people. Must I remind you that I have been allowing you forty pounds a month? No. Excuse me, dear. It was agreed between us that my allowance should be fifteen pounds only. Telegraph knock and ring off left. I'm quite aware it was agreed, but you kept borrowing on account. Even now you are two years ahead with your money. As much as that. Two years. Ha! Time flies. But I shall pay it back. But let us keep to the point. Chalmers enters with three telegrams on Solver. About last night. For me? No, sir, for the mistress. Oh, er, Chalmers. Reading telegrams. Will you just knock at the flat next door and ask if Mr. Tully is at home? And if so, will he kindly look in here for a moment? Chalmers going. Very good, madam. Chalmers, Chalmers. Beckoning Chalmers to stop. To Pamela. You dare not do such a thing. Pamela to Chalmers. Do as I tell you, Chalmers. Exit Chalmers. John, as Chalmers is going off. Chalmers, cha, cha. Turns to Pamela. You are not going to show me up before my friends. There will be no showing up, John, if what you say is true. Moves up to Table Right Center. No, no, of course not. Moves to telephone. Besides, I don't suppose your friend Tully would give you away anyway. Men are such cunning brutes. John, with a burst which he checks instantly. Ha! Pamela looks round, then goes on reading telegram. At back, John, whispering into telephone. Give me Region 346. Region 346. Pamela, without turning. It's no use your phoning Mr. Tully. I should be bound to hear what you said. I was only trying to get him to come up, dear. Chalmers is quite capable of taking a message. John, rising and crossing to Pamela. Hang it all, Pam. Don't you believe what I've told you? Pamela, turning sharply to John. Not one word. Why not? This morning I sent a reply paid wire to your friends at Q. Harry Crombley? Yes. Asking if you stopped there last night. This is his reply. Hands wire. Read it. Read it out, please. John takes wire gingerly. Reads. Yes. John stayed here last night. Aside. Silly owl. Well? Dear old Harry. I expect you thought she would be worrying about me. He is very thoughtful, is Harry. Give Swire back. Wait. I also sent a wire to your friend Blackiston at Kensington. Asking the same question. His reply. Hending second wire to John. John amazed. Read it. Read that out, please. John takes wire. Reads. Yes. John stayed here last night. Pauses. One hour. I can tell how this happened. Gives back wire. Wait. Don't commit yourself. I sent three other wires to Mr. Marshall, Gus, Dan Hope, and Drailing. They all replied that you stayed with them. Read for yourself. Hands wires to John, which he does not take. I can explain it all, dear. You see, they were probably all together, and they thought they would put a spoof up on dear old John. They're all jolly good friends. Yes. They must all be very, very good friends or else they must have a shocking opinion of your habits. I can explain everything. I believe you could explain the Tower of London away, but you can't have slept in six different beds in one night unless you were a sleep-walker. I still maintain that I slept last night at Tully's. We shall see. Places telegrams on Table Right Centre. Enter Chalmers. Mr. Tully, madam. Holds store open until Tully is on, then exits, closing the door. Tully is rather a spare man with drooping mustache and rather sanctimonious and miserable looking. He enters and stands just above the small table down left, nervously twisting his hands. On Tully's entrance John makes a dive for Tully. I say, Tully, didn't I? Pamela catches John by right arm and pulls him down right, advances to Tully. How do you do, Mr. Tully? Shakes hands. How do you do, Mrs. Ayers? Morning, John. Morning, Tully. Good morning. Ah, you see he wasn't up when I left this morning, lazy beggar. Pamela, centre to Tully. I have to apologise, Mr. Tully, for bringing you out. Oh, not at all. But we, er, John and I are in a little difficulty, and if you could see your way to answer a few questions, it would be doing us a great favour, and it might save both of us life-long misery. My wife won't believe that I... Will you be quiet? You're breaking down the one slender thread that holds our married life together. I want Mr. Tully's version of last night without your assistance. Turning to Tully. Now, may I ask, did you have anyone staying with you last night at the flat? Tully shaking his head. No, not to my knowledge. John is pointing to himself frantically. No one stayed at your place at all? Tully seeing John. Oh, er... With a gulp. John stayed there. Pamela turns quickly, almost catches John pointing to himself. John makes a dive for book on table right centre and turns pages over quickly. Pamela turns again to Tully. But just now you said no one stayed there. We... we never count John as anyone. John rubs hands with glee. No, dear. I'm nobody. Pamela, give John a freezing look. Then again to Tully. Now, would you mind telling me how you passed the evening? Last night. Looking at John. Last night. Well, we er... let me think. We er... yes. John points to window. We went out. And where did you go, might I ask? John is gesticulating with one hand on his chest and open mouthed as an opera. Tully, felling to interpret John's signals. It's rather difficult to remember offhand. One night is so very much like another. Try to think. John still gesticulating and open mouthed. I think we must have been in a boat on the serpentine. Pamela turns quickly. John goes up to table right centre and smells marguerites. Tully very embarrassed. These are very beautiful flowers, dear. Did these come from Covent Garden? Please don't interrupt. Oh, now I remember. It's about last night you wanted to know. Last night. Oh, last night we went to Covent to... to... to the opera. John nods and smiles at Tully. John had tickets given to him. John annoyed. No, no, those tickets were given me to give to you. They were at present from Mr. Baxter. Oh, I didn't quite understand. I must write and think Mr. Baxter. Baxter! Baxter! Baxter, Baxter. Who is Mr. Baxter? Don't you know, dear? Do you? Of course. He's Mr. Baxter. Baxter. Pamela to Tully. And did you enjoy the opera? Not very much. I really prefer the singing down at our chapel. What opera was it? I don't think I noticed. Didn't notice? Of course not, dear. No decent person ever dies. It's bad form. Silence to Tully. Haven't you any idea of the name of the opera? Not for the moment, er... er. John points to Pot of Marguerite's. I er Daisy... Daisy D'Adriens. I can't say I have ever heard of an opera of the name of Daisy D'Adriens. John is now holding a plate made from his handkerchief to the back of his head. Tully watching John. Was it something to do with er... something hanging from the back of the head? And you can't remember the name of the opera. Not for the moment. John points to Marguerite's again. Are you sure it wasn't Daisy or Daisy's or Marguerite er...? John nods his head. Marguerite er... er Faust of course. Yes, dear. Faust of course. Pamela turns quickly to John. John just as quickly turns his back. Now are you satisfied? And after you left the opera? To Tully. We came home. What induced John to sleep at your place, seeing your door is next to ours? John signalling Key and Door, and then lost. Oh, he couldn't find his keyhole. Pamela turns quickly, round to John. No, no dear. We simply went to the opera and saw Daisy er... er Faust, I mean. Came out, had a drink. I told Tully I couldn't find my key. I suppose he thought I said keyhole. He offered me a shakedown, and I stayed there. And I think such a clear explanation ought to satisfy anyone. Yes, I suppose so. John going to fireplace. Then everything is quite in order. Very satisfied. Tully sighs. Pamela doubtfully. Y-yes, yes, yes, except... Picking up John's coat with left hand. Could either of you explain this? John, coming down to Pamela. That's my coat. No, taking necklace from pocket with right hand, and holding it up. This! Pause. John and Tully both amazed. Oh, that's nothing to do with me. What is it, dear? What is it? A pearl necklace. Turning to Tully. I suppose you don't wear pearl necklaces, do you, Mr. Tully? No, no. I can tell you all about that, dear. I saw that in a sharp window, and I picked it up very cheaply. I'm sure it's a bargain. And who was it intended for, may I ask? Who should I buy pearl necklaces for? For me! For me, I suppose! Boiling with rage, and throwing coat up to setee centre. Of course. Naturally. Ask Tully. Tully goes to chair by telephone left centre. Stands perfectly still, unnerved. John below table right centre stands blinking and looking into space. Pamela goes to table down left, uncovers her hat, picks it up, goes toward door right as she passes John. Goes to door right, opens door. Exits door right, bangs door after her. Tully, flopping into chair he is standing by. Oh, I'm all of a tremble. John crosses up to setee, puts coat on setee, then up to Tully. You're a boiled-headed owl. If you had told me yesterday that you could lie like that, I should never have believed you. John, coming down right. You did your share very well. What's going to happen now? She'll probably pack up and go home to her mother's. Tully, rising and crossing to John. John, where did you go last night? I took a little friend out to dinner, and then we went out to the palace. And after that we had supper at the Five Hundred Club. We watched them dancing and had a dancer to ourselves. But it's perfectly absurd if a man can't have a little innocent enjoyment and a couple of dances with a little bit of fluff with all this absurd fuss. But the hour? At the club we kept it up a bit late, that's all. We had breakfast at Jimmy Dawson's flat and cooked bacon and eggs. Won't you promise never to do such a thing again? John, crossing to left. I promise never to poach an egg in an opera hat again. I can't possibly live without some relaxation now and then. But must you really go out and about with little bits of fluff? Most certainly, if I want to. What have you got to say to that? Oh, dear, dear, dear. Everything would have been all right only. You were so infernally stupid about the opera. I'm sure Marguerite in Plates was perfectly clear. If you had only said Faust without any hesitation, everything would have been all right. But it's so risky they play a different opera every night like Heaven Garden. I know they do. I wonder what they did play. Where's the newspaper? Looking round for paper. Seeing paper on table right below door. Crosses over, gets paper. Here it is. Crosses to telly. Now, if my luck's in, they played Faust. Both look at paper together. Last night. Here we are. Theatras. Last night. Heaven Garden. Pictures. John tears the paper in two. Gives half to telly. Here, tear that up. Handing other half. And this bit too. Get rid of it somehow. Telly tears paper in pieces and puts bits in handkerchief pocket. John crosses to door right. How do you think you will get out of this? John. Crossing center. Quite easily. Tacked and diplomacy. Offering his head to telly. Feel that bump. They say I have a bigger bump of tact than Lloyd George. Telly. Feeling head. How I say. Both stand to attention as Pamela re-enters right. Wearing a hat and carrying a small suitcase. The pearl necklace is also in her hand. She crosses over to door right. Not looking at either of the men. And dabbing her face with a handkerchief as if crying. She stops as John speaks. Pam. Pam. Pamela. Coming down to table left and placing suitcase on table. I am going home to mothers. You'll hear from her later. And probably the solicitors. Well, Pam. I think you're awfully silly. And after I've bought you a pearl necklace too. I doubt very much if the necklace was intended for me. Oh, Tully, did you hear that? The only woman in the world I have ever loved. Sinking into chair left of table right center. Tully, who has been standing watching very nervously by table with telephone left center, crosses to Pamela. I don't think you ought to say such things, Mrs. Ayers. Pamela shrugged shoulders and turns back on him. He crosses to John. Do leave us for a few moments, John. I... But Tully, I... I'll put it all right. But Tully, I... John is persuaded to go off right by Tully. John exits muttering. Tully shuts door. Tully crossing to Pamela. One moment, Mrs. Ayers. You know I feel somehow that I am to blame for all of this. I don't want to pose as a hyper-religious man. But everyone says I'm very good and I wouldn't deceive you for the world. I'm sure that necklace was intended for you. Pamela, opening suitcase. Well, in any case, I value my feelings at something more than a... a one-and-eleven-penny pearl necklace. Drops necklace into case and shuts it. Really, I think you are doing John an injustice. I don't think you quite understand his little ways. I understand as much as is fit for me to understand. No, really. I know John doesn't behave in a conventional manner as a rule, but he is quite harmless. Pamela, raging. Up to Tully, then crossing down right. Harmless! Harmless! A man who can sleep in six different beds in one night. Harmless! Throwing arms up on last harmless. Six impossible. It would be a record. Pamela, up to table, right center. Picks up bundle of telegrams. Handsome to Tully. Read for yourself. John stayed here, cue. John stayed here, Bloomsbury. John stayed Barnes. Kensington, Bloomsbury to cue. Cue to Kensington. Kensington to Barnes. It couldn't be done in the time. Oh, I can quite understand this. It's all John's friends. All anxious to shield him from the fury of his wife. I beg your pardon. Snatches telegrams from Tully. I mean, all anxious to shield him from your displeasure. John has such a host of good friends. There isn't one who wouldn't lay down his life for him. Why, John's one of the best in the world. Pamela, crossing to left by table down left. I am quite a broad-minded woman, Mr. Tully. I don't expect men to be angels, but there is a limit to everything. Tully, crossing to Pamela. I quite agree with you in that, Mrs. Ayers, but as a broad-minded woman, you must see that a man like John wants a little relaxation. And there's really no harm if he does go out to dinner occasionally with... what was it he called them? Little pieces, no little bits of fluff. What? What? Tully recoils. Pamela follows him up to center. You expect me to sit at home while my husband goes out with little bits of fluff? Tully pulls out handkerchief with pieces of paper. Well, you know, it's a term, a joke. Tries to conceal pieces of paper with his feet. I'm surprised, Mr. Tully, that your mission teaching should have put such ideas into your head. Crossing to table, picking up case. As little bits of fluff. Good day. Exit Pamela down left, banging door behind her. The front door is then heard to slam. Tully stands looking into space for a time, then proceeds to pick up torn paper. John, cautiously peeping in door right. What are you doing? Sleeping up Covent Garden. John, crossing to right center. Has she gone? Yes, I'm so sorry, John. John, crosses to Tully. That's all through your meddling in things that don't concern you. Did you really sleep in six different beds? Oh, don't be silly. Is there any chance of her returning? Of course she'll come back. She does this sort of thing about every fortnight. Do you sleep out as often as that? No. She does it with the idea that I shall go and fetch her back. Well, why don't you? Because once I do that my authority will be gone. She'll treat me like a child and leave home two or three times a day. Things have never gone so badly as this before. I think the pearl necklace did it, don't you? John, suddenly aroused. Ah, the necklace. Where is it? Where is it? Have you got it? No. No. Why should I have it? Then where is it? Where is it? The necklace. Looks about wildly for the necklace. Look for it. Don't stand like an anemic camel. Look for it. Tully, jumping about in a silly fashion. Where? Where? Everywhere. All over the place. Paras is on the floor. Look for it. Both look about for the necklace. Ah, and maybe under the table. They both dive under the table from opposite ends. Their heads collide. They both come up holding their heads in pain. Can't you see where you are going? I can only see stars. Your head's like iron. But where's the necklace? Moving armchair from right of table right center to below table about three feet. That's the question. I've got it. Where? No, not the necklace. I've got an idea. I expect Mrs. Ayers took it. You practically gave it to her, didn't you? You think she took it? Yes, I remember now while I was talking to her just now. I saw her drop it into her bag. Are you sure? Crossing to left. Doesn't matter. You can get it back from her. John, still looking about for necklace. She'll never part with it. She loves jewelry. Well, you can easily buy another. Putting hand in pocket. I'll lend you the one in eleven pence. One and eleven pence? One and eleven pence? Do you know that necklace is worth five hundred pounds? Five hundred pounds? Yes. It was lent to little Mami Scott by the Raja of Changpu. She took a fancy to the necklace, and he lent it to her to wear just for the evening. There was a big crush as we came out of the club last night, and Mami asked me to put the necklace in my pocket for safety's sake as the clasp was broken, which I did, of course. Apparently we both forgot all about it. She'll be in an awful stew. She promised faithfully to return the necklace to the Raja today. Oh, dear, dear, dear. Oh, damn, damn, damn! What can I do? What can I say? What will Mami think of me? Tully is twiddling the chair right center about. Oh, don't fiddle about with that chair. Tully stops footling. Is there no way of getting it back from Mrs. Ayers? I tell you she'll never part with it, and she may not be home for several days, possibly a week. In the meantime the Raja will be clamoring for his pearls. I shall be branded as a—well, there's no telling what it may lead to. Great heavens! What a hole to be in! Crossing to chair left, downstage. Couldn't you tell Miss Fluffy Scott you've lost it and buy her another? Didn't you hear me say that necklace cost five hundred pounds? Tully, twirling chair round on one leg. Yes, that is awkward. Oh, do put that chair down. Advancing to Tully. Tully sits center. Couldn't you borrow the money? John, crossing sits down left. Don't be a fool. It's easy enough I had a letter from someone only this morning offering to lend me any sum from ten pounds to a ten thousand pounds without any security. He enclosed his photograph. Such a nice, kind, honest open face. You innocent lamb. Well, I suppose if I can't give it back I shall have to find the money. You will? Oh, it is a fix. Biting his nails. John, rises, goes up to Tully. I say, Tully, I suppose you don't happen to have five hundred that you don't want? Not that I don't want. Poor old Tully. You never seem to have any money. I don't know what you live on. Are you sure you get enough to eat? You know, John, if I had the money I couldn't refuse you. You do know that, don't you, John? John, patting Tully on back. Of course I do, dear old Tully. Dear old Tully. Comes down left. Tully, rising. Why do you always call me by my surname when I call you John? I do wish you'd call me Bertram. You know when anyone calls me Bertram? I feel I could do any mortal thing in the world for them. Well, you get me out of this hole, and I'll call you Bertram till I bust. Sits down left. Will you? I think I know where you could get the money. Comes down to John. John, rising suddenly. Where? Where? Sit down. John sits. Keep calm. Dick Turner thinks the world of you. Yes, I know, but he hasn't much money. I know, I know, but he was in a bus accident last Friday, and he's claiming five hundred pounds compensation from the motor bus company. He'll never get it. Oh, I think he will. In fact, it's nearly settled. And if you approach him in the matter, I feel sure he would lend you the five hundred pounds. But I was in that bus with him coming from Q. That's right, coming from Q. And if Dick Turner could get five hundred? I'm positive I could. Well, I'm sure he's going to get it. But there was scarcely any damage done. I didn't receive a scratch, neither did Dick Turner. I was thrown forward on top of a fat old woman sitting opposite. Still you can't always tell at the time of the accident. Injuries sometimes develop afterwards. Business of drawing patterns on carpet with foot. John, rises and crosses slowly right. Yes, of course. Especially after you've seen your solicitor. Er, I... Don't talk to me. My brain's working. You know, John, in all cases of bus accidents the bus companies have to pay out according to what the doctors think. The question is to make the doctors think. Why should Dick Turner get five hundred, and I get nothing? I suppose he was really injured. Don't talk, don't talk. I've got the most wonderful brain. Hand to forehead. Have you? Yes. Feel that bump. Tully obeys. Oh, did you get that under the table? No, silly ass. It's a natural bump. Excited. It's all so simple. It's wonderful how I get myself out of every difficulty. Now, will you run down to the doctors for me? Going up to telephone. The last block of flats, you know. Doctor Green. John, looking through telephone book for number. Yes, that's it. Ask him to call at once. John, you're not going to pretend to the doctor that you are ill. Now, don't ask any questions. Oh, no, John. Working fingers along back of armchair. I couldn't do a thing like that. It's not fair. It's not honest. Protest in action against a suggestion until John says, Bertram, when a broad smile comes across his face. John, rising and crossing to Tully. Bertram, Bertram. Tully, giggles effectively. Oh, John. Crossing to door left. Oh, John. Giggles. Oh, John. Giggles to loft or left. Quick exit. John goes to telephone at phone. Give me a region to one, four, three, six quickly, Miss, please. Yes. Hello. Hello. Are you the motor omnibus company? Yes. Yes. Mrs. John Ayres speaking. Mrs. John Ayres. Yes. My husband was in that terrible bus accident you had last Friday, coming from Q. Yes. My husband. And he's very ill indeed. Yes. Eh? Oh, speak up. I can't hear a damned word you're saying. Hand over phone for a second. Oh, he didn't notice it at the time. He has witnesses to prove everything. Eh, I can't hear. Oh, you'll send your inspector round to look into it. Eh, you'll send your inspector round to look into it. Oh, very good. But don't send him immediately as the patient is asleep. Eh, yes. In about half an hour's time. We're quite close to your depot. We're quite close to your depot. Number 13, St. Mark's Mansions. Yes. Very well. Thank you. Goodbye. Puts up receiver. He looks round and takes off jacket. Chalmers enters left. What is it? What is it? A lady to see you, sir. She smiles. To see me? What are you laughing at? Chalmers pulls herself together. Miss Scott, I think she said. Good Lord. Oh, I'm busy. Dressing for breakfast. Not at home. Crossing to door right. Chalmers is going. Wait. I'd better see her. Open store with right hand, holding it open. Sure in here. Chalmers in doubt. In there, sir? Pointing to door right. John pointing back into room with left hand. No, here. Here. Exit down right. Exit Chalmers door left. Chalmers shows in Mamie Scott. She is a girl about twenty-seven. Petite, but pretty. Dressed with many fur-belows and other fluffy things. She looks around as she enters with a swagger air, sees Chalmers smiling, freezes her with a look. Chalmers straightens herself and goes off door left, with nose and air. Mamie looks round room, humming or singing a tune. Places parasol and sati at back, and comes down center. Enter John undoing collar and tie. Hello, Jack. Hello, you dear little thing. In a playful temper. But you mustn't come here, really. Why not? I thought you said the cat was away at Folkstone. And please don't call my wife a cat. Exit John into room right. Mamie with an elaborate curtsy. Oh, I beg the cat's pardon. Sweeping round room, she sees photograph on table left center. Say, Jack, whose picture is this? John, spoken off. Which one? This one, here, by the telephone. Oh, that is my wife. Your wife? Some girl! She's not the sort of first wife I'd pick out if I was going to be her second. Why not? Looks too darned healthy. I'd have to wait too long for you. Enter John door right. She's come home unexpectedly. Mamie jumps in terror and makes a dive for vanity bag she has placed on table left center. Jack! Oh, it's all right. She's out just now. Phew! You did give me a fright. But it's true. She is home all the same. Exit into room right. Well, come out here and talk to me. I won't keep you long. John, spoken off. I can't. I'm only half dressed. Well, I'll come in there. Crossing to door right. No, no, this is a bedroom. I'm not afraid of bedrooms. Give me a minute. Just a minute. Come out as you are. I'm not particular. I won't be two ticks. Righto. Sits in armchair down right center and commences to powder her face. I say, Jack, do you know that you didn't give me back the necklace last night? John enters and creeps off again. I say, Jacko, do you know you didn't give me back that necklace last night? The words slightly smothered by using powder puff on mouth. Enter John in dressing gown. I say, Mamie, that hat does suit you. You look awfully sweet. You go on, Jack. You're the champion long distance kidder in the universe. John, crossing to left of Mamie. But I mean it. It suits you awfully. Oh, awfully. Mockingly. Do you know you didn't give me back the necklace last night? You know, the pearl necklace? John, hesitating. No, I know I didn't. We both forgot all about it, didn't we? We did. Both laugh amusedly, thinking it a great joke. I left it in my coat. And I left the coat at the club. Mamie, rising, alarmed. Jack, it isn't lost. John, pressing her gently into chair. Sit down. Sit down and don't worry. It can't be lost. If it is, I'll buy you another, that's all. Five hundred pounds. Yes, I can't forget that. But it's a mere flea-bite to me. Jack, you don't understand. The Raja looks on it as an heirloom. He wouldn't part with it for the world. That's why I wanted to wear it. It was such a cute idea. But I promise faithfully to return it to the Raja today. Can't you make some excuse? Can I? Have you been to the club? No, I can't possibly go down there for a day or two. For a particular reason. Oh, I do hope it isn't lost. Can't you phone? Oh, yes, I did phone. But the club phone seems to be out of order. Let's torn it. What will the Raja think of me? Now don't worry. If you'll only wait, everything will be all right. In any case, if it is lost, I'll buy you another exactly like it. I can't say more, can I? You really mean that? Of course I do. I never break my word. I'm even going to get some money today. Out of accidents. I mean, in case of accidents. Now listen, I'm awfully glad you've called. My wife's left me. Mamie, rising and throwing arms around John's neck. Jack, darling. John, gently but firmly disengaging her arms. Yes, but only for a little while. And I want you to do me a favor. Of course I will, Jack. I'm expecting a man here presently to examine me. To examine you? Yes, I'm very ill, you know. I was in a bus accident the other day and things have been getting worse. Poor old Jack. I-I am sorry. Pulling his face to her with hand under his chin. But you don't look ill. John, turning face again to front. No, I'm one of those who bear up to the last. Now listen, when this man calls, I want you to pretend that I'm bad. Of course I am bad, but while he is here I'm sure to be a little worse. Mrs. Ayers, that is me, I've been speaking to him on the phone and naturally when he comes, he'll expect to see me, that is Mrs. Ayers. I-I see, you don't understand. Mamie, very sympathetically. Jack, dear, you haven't injured your head, have you? No, it's quite alright. Nothing to do, but, uh, don't say you're my wife. Just pat me on the head now and then and moan, poor John, you understand? Yes, I understand. Poor John. But say, this is a spoof. You're not really ill, Jack, are you? Of course not. Oh, uh, yes I am, but don't worry, I'm going to get better. Just poor John, laid on thick. I see. Poor John. Crosses up to Mantlepiece, removes hat, and tidies her hair at glass. Tully enters hurriedly, sees Mamie, makes a bolt for door left, John catches him by coat, and pulls him back. It's alright, John. As he enters. John, to Mamie. Excuse me a moment. Tully, to John. Dr. Green was out, but they'll send him round directly he comes back. He's out on the case about a poor little woman. Poor little woman. Whispers in John's ear. Who? Then allowed. Both both doing well. Well, that's more than we can say. Now I must go and finish dressing, or rather undressing. Sees Mamie. Oh, um, let me introduce you to little Mamie Scott. Tully alarmed. Is she, is she fast? Is she a hussy? You like her immensely. Come on. Tully in terror. No, no, I couldn't. I've never spoken to anyone like that in my life. John, taking hold of Tully. Don't be a fool. Oh no, no, no. What would they think of me down at the mission? Besides, I wouldn't know what to say to her. Why not? I've never met a fluff. You get hold of the most extraordinary expressions. Calling to Mamie. Mamie, let me introduce you to a very old chum of mine, Mr. Bertram Tully. Miss Mamie Scott. John crosses to door right. Mamie crosses over to Tully. Mamie, taking Tully's hand. Oh, what a beautiful boy. Pulls a long face. Talked to him, Mamie. Wonderful flow of conversation. I shan't be long. Exit John door right. Mamie beckons Tully with head and eyes, and edges down to armchair right. Sits. Tully, very nervous. Edges down to chair left. Sits. Tully, playing with bottoms of his trouser legs and trying to make conversation. Do you ever go, or go, go, no. Tries again. You like to, to, to, no. Has another try. It's, it's wonderful how the fine weather lasts. Mamie, very amused all the time. Ripping, isn't it? Yes, isn't it? Are you married? No, I regret to say. A bit of luck in store for someone. Oh, thank you. I expect you have a gay old time. Tully, twiddling his fingers down his leg. No, not so very gay. I know. You're a fly by night. No, I assure you all my people are most respectable. Well then, you're a dark horse. Tully, mystified. A dark horse? You know, one of those outsiders who comes up with a rush on the rails at the last minute and wins by a short head. Do you get me? I don't quite understand what you mean. I mean, you can go the pace when you like. She raises her dress and picks a piece of fluff from the hem, blows it into space. No, I don't go. Cease may be exposing a deal of leg. He is very embarrassed, wipes his forehead with handkerchief. No, I don't go at all. Rising and backing away from her. What do you do to amuse yourself? I go to chapel on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Doing a sort of skating act with legs and twisting backwards and forwards. And I attend the mission on Tuesdays and Fridays. Again down to her and seeing leg, stumbles backwards and wiping forehead with handkerchief, keeps up this business, doing a sort of skating waltz. Did they teach you that rag time down at the mission? Jumping up. I like your drunken step. I must get a hold of that. Catches Tully and forces him round the room as if dancing a rag time. Mamie sings and dances as well. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Tully breaks away from Mamie and rushes to door right and knocking on door feverishly. John, John. John, spoken off. What is it? What is it? I'm being tempted. Well, stick it. Don't be a fool. Tully rushes up to window right, then down again to armchair. Mamie follows him up and down on left side of table. She motions to him with her eyes coily to sit in armchair. He succumbs, sits gingerly on front of chair. Mamie sits on arm of chair and puts right arm around his neck. Tully snatches it away nervously. Now tell me, what's this mission for? It's for the poor people. Sees Mamie's exposed ankle, turns away nervously. We give them musical evenings to keep them out of the public houses. I play the flute. You do what? I play the flute. Oh, help. Oh, they like it. Bell hurt outside door left. Mamie, starting. I wonder what that is. Goes to door right, calling to John. Jack. Jack. There's a ring at the bell. Do you think it can be the cat? Tully, rising and going up center. A cat wouldn't ring the bell, Shirley. Enter John dressed in pajamas and dressing gown from door right. She couldn't possibly be here yet a while, whatever happened. Enter Chalmers left with card on solver and crosses to John. And please don't call my wife a cat. I'm sorry. Sits in armchair. John, reading card. Good. Show him in at once. Exit Chalmers door left. It's Mr. Nixon Trippett. Mr. How much? Mr. Nixon Trippett, the inspector from the motor bus company. The man I told you about is going to examine me. Sit down and ask him to wait. Say I shan't be long. Tully, perplexed. What have we got to do? Mamie will tell you all about it. Exit John right. Now listen here, birdie bright eyes. I'll stop it. Down center. All we've got to do is keep saying poor John. Poor John. I'm to pretend I'm John's wife. Poor John. Mamie, rising. What do you mean? Nixon Trippett enters, shan't by Chalmers. He is a very ugly man of forty, dressed in frock coat and wearing spectacles. He is almost shabby Gentile. Chalmers retires. Tully nervously retreats from Mamie and seeing Trippett advances with uncertainty. Tully to Trippett. Poor John. I mean Mr. Ayers won't be a minute. Will you take a seat? Brings chair down from table left center and places it center in a line with armchair right and small chair left. Trippett places hat on table left center coming down to chair center. Thank you sir. All sit. Mamie in armchair. Trippett chair center. Tully chair left. Thank you sir. Removes gloves. John groans loudly off right. All rise slowly and simultaneously with eyes fixed on door right then sit again. John groans again very loudly. All rise. Mamie gets behind armchair. Trippett drags chair up to table left center keeping eyes on door right all the time. Tully stands by chair left gazing at door right. John enters groaning from door right. He is in pajamas with the blanket wrapped around him. Mamie assists him into armchair. John groaning all the time. Trippett advancing timidly to John. Mr. Ayers. Are you the injured person? Ah. Ah. Ah. Trippett again advancing cautiously. Might I ask if you are the injured person? Don't I look like it. Do you think I'm doing this to be funny? Mamie patting John's head. Poor John. Poor John. Trippett glares at Tully. Then over to him. Do you think it would be advisable for me to call another day? No, it's all right. I can stick it. He's awfully brave, you know. You ought to have kept in bed. Going to table right center. It would have been better if I hadn't let you know I was coming. Places gloves on table. Oh, no it wouldn't. Poor John. Poor John. Trippett gazes first at Mamie and then at Tully. Well now, may I ask a few questions that will help me make out my report? Pulls notebook and pencil out and looks round for something to write on. Yes, ask as many as you like. To Tully. Bring that table over for Mr. Sticks and Triplets. Not Sticks and Triplets, Nixon Trippett. Tully brings small table from down left and places it on left of armchair. Trippett brings chair from left of table right center and places it on left of small table. I beg your pardon. Tully moves round to back of armchair on left of Mamie. Trippett sits and preparing to write a notebook. Now then, Mr. John Ayers, isn't it? Yes, John Ayers. Trippett writes. Oh, my back. Poor John. Poor John. Trippett looks at Tully then writing again. Tell me, Mr. Ayers, are you married? Of course. Absent mindedly, taking Tully's hand and mistake for Mamie's and placing it by his face. Realizing his mistake, he throws it away calling him a silly ass and then taking Mamie's hand. Yes, of course. Any family? Yes. No. Trippett writing in book. Yes and no. What is your height? Four feet four and a bit. Age? Forty-two. Chest measurement? Forty-two, two. Ever been vaccinated? Well, my godfather was Mr. Tully and my godmother was... I said, vaccinated. Oh, I beg. Oh no, he never catches anything. Trippett writing again. No, Mr. Ayers. You said you were traveling in one of the company's buses when this accident took place? Of course I was. Last Friday, coming from Q... Poor John. Poor John. John, to Mamie. I'm afraid he won't have me with you much longer, darling. Oh. Tully leaning over and looking into Trippett's face. It's hard to see him struck down like this. Trippett rises slightly annoyed. Tully retreats to window right, then out of window and in by window left. Starts back when he sees Trippett still watching and pointing at him with his pencil. Trippett, resuming. Could you tell me who was inside the bus or describe the people in any way? There was Mr. Richard Turner. Yes, we have acknowledged his claim. A check for 500 was sent him this morning. John, jumping up and leaning over to Trippett. What? Recovering himself and sitting again. Oh, it's only a spouse in that cell. Oh, I am bad. Could you describe anyone else who was in the bus? There were two soldiers in khaki and a very fat old woman. Trippett writes, Tully sidles around to back of armchair again. Did these people make any statement or pass any remark? When the collision occurred, someone said it was like being out at the front. The stout lady said that. Mammy turns away smiling. Tully shows surprise and disgust. No, Mr. Trippett, the soldier. Poor John. Tully, who is now on left of Trippett, pats Trippett's head. Poor John. Trippett turns on Tully, very annoyed, then back to John. Now, may I ask, why didn't you report this at the time? How could I? I was too stunned, I suppose. I quite appreciate what you say, Mr. Ayers. But it's one of our rules that you should have lodged your complaint at the time the accident occurred. I suppose if a man was killed stone dead, he ought to leave his name and address. If he knew where he was going. But in this case, the situation is quite different. The Mr. Turner you mentioned just now informed us that he was the only passenger injured in the accident and the other occupants of the bus rather bear out his statement. How does he know? He couldn't see my back. But you have no witnesses. Shrugs. No witnesses indeed. Oh yes I have. Don't you run away with any idea like that. My friend Tully here was sitting next to me in the bus the whole of the time. Tully almost collapses. Oh indeed, indeed. Tully, quickly and very agitated, down to left of Trippett. But I make no claim indeed. I don't know. I make no claim. I make no claim at all. I don't think I have your name and address. Mr. Bertram Josiah Tully. Number 14, St. Mark's Mansions. Trippett, riding, then to Tully. And you yourself were not injured? Not at present. I mean not a scratch. Poor John. Poor John. Trippett looks at John. How do you account for that, if he was sitting next to you, Mr. Ayers? When the collision came I fell forward on the two soldiers. They had been in training for months and were as hard as nails and naturally I sprained my back. Well Mr. Tully here shot forward right on top of the fat old woman. And not hurt? She was enormously fat. Trippett, to Tully, who was now up again and behind armchair. And did you pass any comment at the time? No, but the woman did. I think I said, oh, dear, dear, dear. Of course I shall have to take proceedings against your company if it costs me every penny my wife's got. I mean, that I've got. I don't think that will be necessary, Mr. Ayers. Our company is a very generous one. And although we cannot acknowledge an illegal obligation, we like to treat our passengers as fairly as we can. I'm sure you do. We like to make friends. You have a friendly face, Mr. Trippett. We want to see you riding in our buses again. Mind you, I like your buses. They're such a pretty color. Mamie digs Tully in ribs. And if this matter could be settled at once, I'm sure you would be most satisfied. I'm sure I should. No, speaking without prejudice, what sum of money do you fancy would compensate you? John, to Mamie. What do you think, dear? Tully signalling five hundred on fingers. You see, there'll be all the doctor's expenses, a terrible loss of time and money, probably funeral expenses. Oh, and bear it. John, to Trippett. Suppose we say five hundred, without prejudice, as you say. Trippett raises his eyebrows. I'm afraid that's quite out of the question. Do you realize what five hundred means? I'm afraid I couldn't entertain anything like that. But I'll tell you what I will do. If you like to settle the matter offhand now, and give me your signature, I'll pay down at once the sum of... Taking note from pocket and presenting it to John. Five pounds. Don't be absurd. A five-pound Bank of England note, Mr. Ayers. You could go away for a nice little holiday on a five-pound note. John, rises, anger rising. Really, I think you've come here to insult me. Certainly not, Mr. Ayers. And without prejudice, I think you would be well advised to accept my offer. John, up to Trippett. And without prejudice, I think you're a silly ass. Trippett rises. Amy, comforting John. Don't upset yourself, John. Why doesn't he offer me a bag of nuts or a balloon? Trippett, getting gloves from table right center. I'm sorry you look at things in that light, Mr. Ayers. Tully, during this speech, gets Trippett's hat and holds it perched high up on his right hand. With his other hand, he holds the door left open. All I can do is hand in my report. Going left. Tony's doctor will come and examine you, and the matter will be out of my hands. Noxon to Tully, sees hat, takes it, bows to Tully, goes to door left, turns. I wish you good day, sir. To John. And I hope you'll get better soon. Exit left. Trippett, followed by Tully. I don't think I shall. Five pounds for a broken back. Tully, rushing on from door left. It's all right, John. Mrs. Ayers has come back. What? Your wife, Jack. Hide me. Mamie tries to get under table right center. John pulls her back. No, that way. Hide her, Tully. Tully wandering aimlessly about. John pushes him up to window right center. Mamie gathers up hat, et cetera, and goes window right center. Tully gets Mamie's parasol from Satie, and John pushes him out of window. Quick behind those curtains. I take those things away. Throwing Mamie's gloves after Tully. John gets into easy tear quickly, with blankets still round him. Growns. Enter Pamela, door left. Pamela, seeing John alarmed. John? John! I didn't expect to find you like this. And I didn't expect to see you back quite so soon. I've come to say I'm sorry. Mother has seen that necklace you gave me. Placing her bag on table down center. And she says it's worth five hundred pounds. Mother knows. But it is valuable. Of course it is. Instead of spending my money on riotous living, I've been spending it on you. How good of you. But do tell me, what has happened? Don't be alarmed. You know I was in a bus accident the other day. You were not hurt. Things have developed since. I think they are going to compensate me. Pamela, joyfully. Then you are not really ill? Goes down below table. John, rising. That depends. I'm going into that bedroom. Pointing right. And I'm not coming out until that bus company gives me five hundred pounds. Not if I've got to lie there for a month. Oh, don't say that John. I know what I'm doing. I'll teach them to offer me a balloon. I mean, a five pound nut. No, not nut. Note. Now please go and get the bed ready. Leading Pamela to door right. But John? Do go to oblige me. I'm expecting the doctor here at any minute. Pushes Pamela off door right. John signals to Tully, who drags Mamie out by the hand. They come down a few steps. Quick, quick as you can. Pamela re-enters. Tully and Mamie get behind curtains again quickly. But John, it may be weeks and weeks before these people pay out the money. John, holding blanket high up to obscure Pamela's view of the room. Now do please, do as I ask you. If the doctor finds me out of bed, it will ruin me. Pamela, going back into room right. Oh, very well. Exit Pamela. John signals and Tully drags Mamie across to door left. Go on, hurry up, hurry up. They are nearly across to door when Pamela re-enters. But John, it's just occurred to me. Tully and Mamie turn and Pamela faces them. John falls over blanket down right. Tully still holds Mamie's hand. In his other hand he has Mamie's parasol. Oh, I don't think you've met before. I don't think we have. Let me introduce you. This is my wife. Pointing to Pamela. And this is... Pointing to Mamie. This is... This is Mrs. Tully. Tully drops Mamie's hand, thunderstruck. What? Pamela doubtfully. Mrs. Tully? Yes, he was married secretly a week ago. Tully, boiling with rage. Oh, I say. Mamie turns her ring round to look like wedding ring and holds hand up conspicuously. I'm sorry to let the cat out of the bag, old man, but it can't be helped. Tully rushes across stage in front of table and arm chair, with Mamie's sunshade raised in a threatening manner. John, John! John, kneeling to Tully, pleadingly. Bertram, Bertram! Tully's face relaxes and develops into a broad smile. Oh, John, John! Giggles. Pamela and Mamie shake hands, center. Curtain. End of Act One.