 The only power that we have is for the kitchen and the gathering room. Anything else is out. Just what we need is provided. That is very symbolic. Very symbolic. Well, this is like our closing circle this morning before brunch. Right. And usually what we do with these mornings is everybody has gained so many ahas and insights from the retreat that it's a sharing circle. Because what we share, we strengthen it in our mind. And there can be insights that are perfect insights for your brothers and sisters to hear about. Because it's very rich. It's like a goldmine when you give yourself a whole week of this silence and then notice what you've faced and notice, oh, I notice this and this and this. And then it may be someone else that's just listening in here or on speaker or somewhere in the world that's going, oh my God, that's it. That's the block that I couldn't see without my brother's help. Without my sister's help. And so it's that spirit of we're all in this together. Like every single advance any of us makes is for the whole universe, the whole sonship. And it's such a blessing. And then the more you get into the flow of that, then you stop taking things personally. You feel like, okay, what will I contribute today to the whole universe? What will I send out as a blessing for the whole universe? You start to feel more, it's one mind and I'm just blessing the whole universe. And there's a great line from Jesus in the workbook of A Course in Miracles. It says, everything I think and say and do teaches all the universe. Everything I think and say and do. So it seems from the egoic perspective like that's absurd and ludicrous that how could thinking and saying and doing anything have a larger effect but from the perspective of the one mind, Jesus even goes in to take a little time in the course to say that every decision you make goes in and out of a giant constellation. He's referring to the sonship. Every single decision goes in and out because who we are is the sonship and so whatever we think we think for the whole universe. I'm fond of saying like every prayer that you pray is a prayer for the whole universe and if every desire that you have, I've said it many years, if you have a desire for a Snickers bar, then the whole universe has a desire for a Snickers bar. That is how powerful our mind is. Helen Shekman was a research psychologist, the one woman who scribed A Course in Miracles and so she had real traditional beliefs and interests and she was a research psychologist so she was very much at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center in New York City. She was very much into the medical model and also psychologically into research and as we know from quantum physics now it's all science from the scientific model is based on the scientific method. Most of us grew up with the scientific method and all of the scientific method is based on empiricism, on the belief that the world, we study the world, we experiment on the world, we draw data from the world, we even run double blind experiments to make sure the data is not wrong but the underlying assumption is that the world has something to teach us. Meanwhile the ego is back in the mind going, ha ha ha, wow did I fool you in a royal way, because the world is just a reflector of our thoughts and beliefs and when we forgive the world it will cease to seem to exist, it will disappear, it's just a mirror. You can't draw data from a mirror. It would be like trying to run research on yourself by looking in the mirror in the morning and going, oh taking notes, oh I see this and this, as if you can get information from the world and our entire scientific model is based on the belief that the world has empirical evidence and you can draw forth knowledge from that. But if we look at Isaac Newton was a brilliant thinker but he was basically saying here's what I'm perceiving and now I'm going to build a whole science from that. However there was a philosopher in Germany named Emmanuel Kant and unlike Isaac Newton, Emmanuel Kant asked the question, how do we know what we know? Ooh, Emmanuel was deep. Instead of just running into science and running into the world to conclude things he said, you know, is our knowledge, is what we know coming through our five senses or is what we know a priori prior to birth, prior to our five senses. Do we have something inside of us that we can truly know that has nothing to do with the five senses? It's prior to, like Jesus taught before Abraham was, I am. Look at the grammar in that sentence. That was 2000 years ago. Here's Emmanuel Kant. Now Emmanuel Kant, was he a well-traveled man? No. Did he travel the world and meet people? No. Did they have internet back in Emmanuel Kant's day to search the web? No. Did he leave his city ever in his lifetime? No. He stayed in the same city. I think it was Heidelberg. He stayed in the same city, but he was wise enough to ask one question. How do we know what we know? And he was onto it and basically Jesus has taught us that we know everything before we set foot on the earth. We know everything before we dream the stream of the cosmos. We not only know everything, we are everything because we were created by God. And therefore that's why you have to let go of the five senses completely. You will not reach the Kingdom of Heaven through the five senses. They can be used symbolically by the Holy Spirit to help us kind of encourage us and take us along the right way. But there must come a leaping off point where we realize that nothing we perceive is informing us in any helpful way. And that takes you into forgiveness. And of course you have in mind training, of course, lesson number one. Nothing I see means anything. You see how that lesson fits in what I've been talking about so beautifully to the ego that's very perplexing. So what we're going to do today is get our microphones out. We just want to go around and we want to hear from your heart what you experienced here today. What insights, what miracles did you experience? Because those miracles are really a blessing for the entire universe. And they are your gift, really, on this day to God and Christ and the Holy Spirit and the whole universe. Good morning. Tell us your name again. It's Ray. What's that place that's in the credenza? Casita. Casita is a walking little place. Like Jesus never, Ray have casita. So it started off with three or four nightmares at night coming and waking me up, pulling my feet off the bed and the visitors walking through my door to an ecstatic experience after our healing touch session that left me unable to really explain or grasp it. I was having a daydream. I had a dream. I woke up from the dream in the dream and actually sitting on my bed in my bed and I'm wide open eyes daydreaming. And I'm daydreaming about the experience that I had with some of you with the love that I felt because I've never felt loved like that or have I shared love like that. It's always been a sexual nature when I shared love. I thought that's how it was. When I was in there experiencing this love, a word starts to come into me and it started with the letter H and it was how. How am I going to tell this story? And I lost it. I was so fricking pissed off. It was my ego. I fricking caught it, right in its fricking tracks. And I said, fuck off. Stop the, pump the brakes, Scotty. Pump the brakes. You're not taking my story. You're not taking this moment from me. This is my moment. I'm going to enjoy it. And it was blissful. And I experienced basking in love. I was vibrating on the bed. I don't know what was statically. It was bizarre. And then the Matrix movie came to me and you were there. And you were Morpheus. You were dressed up as the fawns. You were dressed up as the puff-puller up with the shades on. He said, are you starting to believe, Neil? Are you starting to believe? I'm up in the air in the valley and these guys are shooting bullets at me, these tanks and guns. I was avoiding me contact with the strikes and I thought enough of this. It was kind of like Neil in the movie. And I said to myself, or I thought to myself, I'll show you guys, bear my chest and shot love at them. It was the funniest thing. I was looking at these tanks over and over again. It was love. This could be a movie idea. This could be a movie idea. At least for you. It's a care bear. That's when the second awareness came to me. If those people were shooting at their families, it would stop immediately. I was overcome with love, a feeling of love, profoundly. I was vibrating. My alarm had long since gone off. I've been waking up at 3.20am every morning. It was 10.30am when I looked at the clock and I said, shit, I gotta get out of here. I gotta go. So I raced down here and I'm thinking, I just want to share this. And then the first piece of the person I came into contact with, I was hooked again. The ego was starting to slip in. Then as I went through the room, everybody's quiet and then the story started to lead me already. I'm thinking, I gotta write this down because I never write these experiences down. I've had some cool ones. So after lunch or dinner or breakfast, I wrote five pages in my journal. I've never had a journal. I wrote it all down but anyway, that's the condensed version. I really appreciate it. I guess I have a mic. Yeah, I had this little experience which is exactly what you're talking about, David. That was the first time I've done the little A-B situation and watching my mind throughout that was amazing. And it was... I wanted to peek. Every person that came by, I'm like, I want to know who this is. I shared with James, I'm like, it's like Marco Polo, doesn't everybody peek? It was funny, I sat there and it was so powerful. I want to know who this is. It was the last person or the second last person, I'm like, I'm going to peek and now I'm going to peek. And then it was so clear. It said, if you peek, you'll know who they are. Oh my gosh. My eyes closed even tighter. I thought it was just that awareness of I really don't know what I see. Beautiful. So, I'm Kelly and so one of my big awarenesses came listening to Suzanne's story about her, the experiences that she went through building the center of bringing the center together. And I realized that I have a similar situation where my husband has done everything short of bending over backwards while actually he does provide for my happiness while I'm out looking for myself. And so the other piece of that that really hit home was Kirsten said, you're not going to get anywhere by sitting on your couch reading a book, reading the course. So, I think the thing that really occurred to me is that it's important to start applying this, I mean and I know this but you think you're applying it you know I look at my daily life and my relationships with my children and my husband and I'm willing to put the course to use on things in the past or things I think that seem to happen in the past but not really apply them to my what's really happening or what really seems to be happening in my present state. So that was a real gift for me and something and of course immediately it goes like oh my god you have to divorce your husband your whole life's going to turn upside down and that just put me in a place of fear so you know I'm willing to let go of all those ideas and just see see where I'm led with all my relationships and to really look at the difference between what I think is happening and what should be happening really stop trying to control things and trying to intellectualize things and really let go of that and have the experience and be guided. And sharing that that was really helpful for me so thank you thank you I'm Lisa I shared when we started about being a little girl and having this knowing that this wasn't my home and feeling lost afraid and the belief that I've carried since I was very small is that I'm on my own nobody's there for me I'm on my own and I I see how I've wanted that to be true how I've wanted to be on my own and hold on to that and not let go of that that thought and that belief and how in many ways I've been seeking out to side of myself to others and to paths and through seeking and searching to make sense of things I've wanted to hold on to being the author of my own reality in my own life and not let that go and I've had a a surrender that's taken place here a realization that I've never been on my own and the thought and the belief of wanting to hold on to that is the source of suffering and I've had a settling and a deepening within myself of letting it go and trusting not in myself I'm ready to let that go I'm ready to let it go and allow God in and there's a piece that I have that I can't describe it's like being done with trying to figure it out and with one purpose of mind has allowed me to go deeper and to surrender just I'm Scott and I think it was two maybe three nights in but I had a dream had a nightmare which I don't I guess we all dream but whether we remember or not I don't remember very often and it woke me up felt like I was being strangled so when I woke up and was just trying to catch my breath like I was suffocating or being strangled and and it was a nightmare of rejection and it was first it started with women's faces one after the other you know you're too fat you can't keep it up you have psoriasis you have arthritis you know just rejection rejection and then it went to messages you know with struggles with Mormon leadership in my youth and with my bishop as an Anglican priest and you know just in parents and anyway it's just this barrage of rejection and and took my breath away I mean I just was like just struggling struggling and and just kind of just with that just being completely out of sorts and and then I I noticed that I was rocking I sat up in bed Lisa was still asleep and I noticed that I was rocking and then I and I heard you know Scott I don't reject you I don't abandon you I will never leave you or forsake you you're not alone you are my beloved son and he might well pleased and and then I I felt like I heard rock Lisa too because she needs to know this she's my I put my hand on her her hip will start rocking her and then I hear she's my beloved daughter and everybody needs to hear this you need to be a conduit of love and grace and mercy people hear this and then and then I was finally able to get back to sleep but then I had like kind of like softer kind of premonitions through the night and your children need to hear this and all children need to hear this everybody needs to hear this because this is the great lie that you're alone you're rejected you're abandoned you're separated but I love you and I love everybody love everybody love I remember starting a conversation at the beginning thinking oh my god if they open this thing up everybody's going to say something mean about me I thought oh my god where does this come from they're not going to say anything mean so I went back and I asked what is this all about and as I was walking upstairs to the bunk house I noticed that sign that says welcome to the bunk house but all I noticed were those letters at the end that were losing their paint and I thought I wonder if I could go get a magic marker and fill in the paint and make those letters clear and it became so clear that I find little things to criticize to find fault with and I turned it into doing little acts of people pleasing that have nothing to do with what's needed what's needed is just the word in that sign is welcome and gratitude I love that God is not far behind grateful heart so it was a a baby kindergarten week of feeling gratitude and just noticing how my mind, my ego would flip into how to improve something when nothing needs improvement except my own mind happy birthday happy birthday thank you I'm Susan one of the things that brought me here was having a lot of decisions in life that I want to make and wanting some clear direction about that not relying on my own most decisions and I didn't quite get that the things that I did get as I was trying to work through that I kind of identified that there's an area in my life where there's a lot of forgiveness I need to do and that that was blocking me and also as we were doing the meditation we did a lot of meditation I don't meditate on my own a lot I don't like to find it physically uncomfortable and my mind just won't stop or rambles all over the place but doing it here I sort of had the realization that I can do this and someone might take away this that I'm going to just do that and all those thoughts that keep roaming through my head it just sort of became like passing clouds and I could kind of catch them and just get into the whole spirit and it was sort of like mental housekeeping mental dust bunnies then without forgiveness I was trying to work through that and this whole business of seeing with you know with human eyes seeing someone through my human eyes versus spiritual eyes and what is that like really anyway what does that look like and I almost missed this I don't know if I was falling asleep or waking up or maybe I was even meditating I don't know but I almost just out of the corner of my eye was like a person and and the body itself just kind of shattered as if it were a vessel of clay and just fell away and what was left was a beam of light not even light in the shape of the person of the body that just went away or with their features just like and I thought oh maybe that's what it is it's just one of those really subtle things I could have missed it my name is Rita and I'm just so grateful to be here with people that have like minds and we're here to go deeper and experience this the truth and that's been a huge gift for me and I don't know sometimes I just think words I just think sometimes it's so beyond that and I have come to realizations and one is that I'm going to quit being so hard on myself about analyzing where I should be as opposed to just being in the beingness of this moment and what is my purpose is to just be in this moment and know that all is well and there's no there there I'm not supposed to get to some place and then I will have finally arrived the pinnacle it's already been given it's been given just to allow that acceptance that all my needs are met at this very moment I came here a couple of my hot buttons are money I don't know if anybody else has that money and you know I had a lot of questions about moving into community and you know one is like am I going to be able to you know get my hair colored you know what if I need to go to the doctors and get my inhaler you know things that are like everyday stuff that these are the things that were coming to my mind just so and so I you know I packing packing packing and I forget my wallet and I forget my inhaler on the flight here I was thinking to myself when I left my inhaler you know wouldn't that be just crazy so I get here and I well I got to the airport and realized I forgot my wallet and you know I went into panic but then the Holy Spirit had taken care of it because I had my ID somewhere else and I had the cash somewhere else so I just kept coming forward moving forward to get on the flight when I realized that I left my inhaler I had a moment where I decided I just remembered what the Course says is that you know true health is mental health and that a sick mind could only perceive a sick body and I just instead of going to panic where there was a time when I would have we'd have the paramedics up here they'd be rolling up that hill I just went to the truth and that I am not I could never be sick the body's neutral and this is a week now without the inhaler and I haven't even been thinking about it really and that's just like validation to me that this is the truth and I feel very fortunate to be happy I was talking to Alexa Alexa and I are joining and we just looked at each other and just the complete and utter gratitude that just to have the awareness and to know that all my needs are met there are no needs and so what I'm going to take home from this is get the Holy Spirit the wheel I'm getting an idea I'm okay to be in the back seat and my pain and suffering starts when I decide to take the wheel back and I'm going to drive now and it's never good it's never it's painful so anyways thank you David and thank you both of you for everything yes to be in this beautiful environment thank you I'm Alexa I would love to say I had some deep profound breakthrough I didn't interestingly though what I had came to me from what I had actually asked for and kind of set an intention before I came so I've been going through a lot of washing before coming here so I came and kind of going okay this deep profound breakthrough I want revelations and miracles you know huge ones yeah okay and you know it was interesting because coming and volunteering what I had set was really I want to be done through and I want to be of service and so day two, day three lots of mind chatter but I've been really conscious of watching and I've been doing that for a few weeks and so I just kind of kept going turn around and I started realizing I was like there isn't anything I need to do and all I kept hearing after about three, day four was just do whatever is asked of you and do it with joy and that's all you need to do and then meditation I think it was yesterday after the weekend of freedom retreat a word that kept coming to me was activation and recently another word had come in that was integration that this wasn't a time for me to have these huge profound things happening supposedly apparently it was for me to actually integrate all that all of this awareness that had been coming to me in these past few months and years and etc it's just a lot of deep downloads have come at different times and it was like this is a rest period for you to actually practice and integrate and to take that in and to really set your intent and your focus and so it kind of came into mind it was like CIA, like Christ activation, integration it sounds like I'm going to stick with that for a little while, I kind of left that and then I don't, once again something I'm trying to attain and I'm achieving and I'm in awakening but that's really what this time is right now and I even several nights started to see me I would come into just before complete conscious awakening in my night dreams I started doing forgiveness work in the dreams like I would kind of get into this lucid state where I was very aware of what was going on and then all of a sudden I was seeing my like I was very conscious of not being able to wake up until I could fully go through like the entire forgiveness process for myself so and the beautiful thing is is that I got to share with everyone I think I own, don't make me do it but I think I know every single person's name I don't make me but I'm pretty sure and I've kind of never done that before and not that the names mean anything but it was that I had this connection with everyone and this love and this moment and so to me it didn't seem that you know every day I was kind of like okay I want miracles today and I witnessed them in everyone so it wasn't about me but it was about it is me, it's all, it's one and that just kind of came in I was thinking of when you told me when you first told me I think it was like well when you didn't tell me I just sensed it because we weren't talking and that's not what it was but when I just in between you couldn't still breathe there was my miracle it was all of everyone every breakthrough that I've seen that was every breakthrough that I needed in every miracle so thank you all thank you I'm Kristen I hope I don't cry but I do I think I didn't know what to expect coming here but I always have a lot of fear I've just always had a lot of fear and once I got here I really wanted to find out what that was and I feel like I got in touch with it and yesterday David when you said you said the acronym for fear false evidence appearing real and I was like oh that's what it is it just made so much sense false evidence appearing real and then I even used false environment appearing real and that really hit me last night and really what has come up for me was this unworthiness that I've always felt this deep unworthiness and it's like where was that coming from it's like I was afraid of the love that was here it's just so beautiful and so intense and it was like just let it in and I feel like I was just searching for that like what is this unworthiness why do I feel like I am not good enough for God's love and I just opened the book which is something I don't normally do like I've been kind of going through the lessons with David and it's kind of intimidating the book and I'll read the lessons but I just opened the book to this chapter I can't remember the name of it it was about atonement and it said that I was worthy of God's perfect love like that jumped out at me and I was like oh my God there it is I was looking for that answer from everybody here and then I read it and I was like there it is so I really feel like I can let go of that fear that have carried with me my whole life and the session where we were that touch session was so beautiful and that's what I feel from everybody it's like oh that's God's love coming down through everybody and then after the meditation last night I have a thing sometimes when I get fearful like I guess I'm also in recovery and go to AA that sometimes after an AA meeting I'll just run out of the room I'll make myself go talk to three people just so I don't do that I just wanted to run out of the room after the meditation and I was like no go hug three people and it was more than three people and it was so beautiful and and then I walked out to the grass and I saw the moon and when I was standing there what came to me was this whole flood of the Holy Spirit and I have never felt the Holy Spirit I didn't know what that was and it was like all of a sudden it was just like boom I got in touch with the Holy Spirit it was like oh my God I have I feel like I have this personal relationship now with this buddy somebody to carry with me that I can talk to and it's I feel like I've always talked to God but it's like now it's like this it was this intermediary connection and I just I feel so grateful for that and that's from all of you guys like in reading your book it's like you're talking to the Holy Spirit and I just couldn't quite get that it's like the Holy Spirit and then it came to me last night and I feel like it's right down in here it's this flame it's that light and everything you guys share I I hear you I so relate and I just I so appreciate that I'm so glad we get to do this because I feel there's a part of me in all of you guys I see it so huge breakthroughs for me yeah um I have a confession to make I'm not Andy but sometimes I think I am I just realized there's no other way you know if you ever feel resistance just think to yourself what is my alternative just to live my life and then I'm dead and then what and then maybe another lifetime and then after all these meaningless pursuits and ambitions that still lead and lead to despair and disappointment depression all to just die and then do it over and over again what's the end you know in that path it's just death over and over so every time I feel resistant I just remind myself well you think you're Andy but Andy even on a physical level is not even going to exist in a certain time period so why do you want to be Andy why do you want to be something temporary and little and to never know your greatness and your magnitude just to live a little life that is completely meaningless never having any kind of satisfaction you know so this really is the only way and it's inevitable so thank god thank you thank you no I'm Jian I honestly think for the challenge for the challenge you know I stopped cooking a lot many years ago and I was not going back in the kitchen going outside work and then she says could you take over the kitchen so last night as we're all sitting down having dinner being quiet I saw myself as the mother eating so much love for everyone of you thank you last night I had a dream I was in a shopping center and I was naked I only had my underwear on and it was my mama underwear so I went I was wearing boxes and the thing is that the adults didn't notice but all the little children they kept pointing at me I felt so vulnerable I felt so light too so I feel like I feel so rejoiced and then the prayer Holy Spirit decide for God for me it's been with me every day maybe you could talk a little bit more about that prayer such gratitude thank you thank you well first of all I'd like to thank you for the amazing space in order to come and be I put this in the Holy Spirit's hand and I did not expect that it would make me cry like what the hell it was the smorgasbord of aberrinesses and letting go and I didn't know which one to choose there were so many so I'm just going to go with the first one that popped into my head and so five and a half years ago I started the course and at that time I stopped yearning because I knew where I was I knew I was going home I knew I'd find my way home and I stopped seeking the Holy Spirit bring it on I want to be clear bring it on and so really the first five years were hell it was really the Dark Knight of the Soul I read a Paul Brutten book and he described the Dark Knight of the Soul as being a month long and I thought what the fuck it's a month I want a month it was terrible it was so harsh and I just hunkered down I said I'm hunkering down I'm not looking for anything else I'm not going to try and fix this I'm just forgiving that's all I did I immersed myself completely I loved that it was a self-study program because there I was on my farm our farm and just alone and that's what I did so starting with my daughter just all the worst things you could imagine for your daughter happened and I just forgave forgave and then it really moved to my marriage and it was another two and a half years of really hard it was very hard and when you were sharing your stories that was so profound really about the because I knew I was dis-identifying with the dream but I was not thinking of specific dis-identifications and then it came to me okay so dis-identifying with being a mother because that's and to protect her and want her to be happy and seeing just the complete opposite and just surrendering and trusting and letting go and then ending with the most beautiful relationship where I just allow I allow her to be who she is I just trust and realizing that my marriage it was something I just couldn't seem to let that grievance go and so you know the whole week I just put myself aside as much as I could and I just stayed with the Holy Spirit and I went into the space and I said I'm here Lord I just waited and I started expecting and anyway so one morning I'm doing my online thing with Lisa her email that someone had forwarded from someone I never heard of her had heard of her and she talked about how the same thing like that's what was happening all week is I would think something and it would show up on the whiteboard and we're going to do that activity and it happens a lot but it was really compressed it was just like boom boom boom it was really fun it was really fun and she talked about why she couldn't lay certain grievances down and really was about something about I do not know what the purpose is for and I thought of this and so I thought I don't know what the purpose of this relationship is like I don't know what the purpose is of the pain and I don't know what the purpose is for I didn't really specify it but it started to loosen something loosened and then I had the moment the awareness of I have a strong identification with a happy marriage a happy ending a happy happiness in the train and then it moved to well what if I take the marriage right out of the whole equation and just see him as my brother it's not about husband it's about room one and he's my brother and it just it finally left really wonderful and freeing just like all of it was but the thankfully around the fire mark despite that a shift in my I could feel it easing it was all the dark night I had to still find the ease you know and a sister and a mother and horses and two-year-old puppy and just what the terrible loss is and I'm crying when I was if it still is but it's just a story I know that but my attention moved to being and I started looking and thinking it was like I was seeking but not and I just I knew okay so to me the first part of the workbook is about undoing lots of undoing and then the rest is more there's more being although now when I look through it's all there always but and that's what this space really helped me provide like a group for being because I just would sit for hours in yes this same chair and just as the Holy Spirit for help and it immediately every time immediately I would move into being and I would say Lord here I am and I just waited and we started I started teasing a little bit it's like come on you know really it's time I think but anyway so much gratitude so many fun things to think about and thank you very much thank all of you just wonderful so wonderful to be in a space this is I kind of self-study so I haven't done groups or anything like that so this is my first Course in Miracles group and it's like holy wow like really amazing to be in this place with so many people and everybody is reaching for God amazing thank you thank you my name is Laura and I too I'm very grateful to be here in a part that is my first gathering with the Course as well here okay thank you oh by screen thank you the kitchen the kitchen is a powerful place for me my mother was a great feeder and always with the family of ten always the last to be served if at all and so going throughout my life and I was called Laura the Bag Lady because she always had two bags of food with her wherever she went you know to share anyway a big big process with food in my life and in general and it was just really powerful to be here after being stretched in many situations in the past regarding either catering or serving an event and watching myself and feeling and ease but there was still stuff under you know on the outside there was an ease and a letting go because I wasn't in charge so to speak and as a result what came of that was this deep profound fear that had me shaking just shaking and I was called to have an appointment to have a share and even though I myself did not put myself on the list I was like okay I know you know I'll give them to Holy Spirit I'll deal with this but another angel came to me and put my name on the list for me after I said yes and so after having the counseling with Suzanne it was funny because I still and I still don't feel like I have to articulate myself very well however after having the counseling without having anything really specific she asked me if I felt like my my question was answered like if it was helpful the joining was helpful and I said yes because I knew it was mentally but specifically I couldn't feel I didn't know because it was still a confusion in my head and so that night I don't remember when I went for a walk that's very same day I went for a walk and in that walk I remembered the first conversation about counseling that coming and laying the deepest part of your heart you know the call of what is that that you really that are calling for an answer or a healing and around my walk I recognized that it was the call before I even came here which was will I be accepted and the answer was yes yes and so it was answered and I do feel that and and in my meditations Christ has come and is beckoning I have the vision of come forward come forward move let that go let that go move and so that's really huge for anyway and I won't say for me for me as in all of you are me and thanks for being a part of the party so I just want to play and relax in that and I'm really grateful hi I'm Liz and really wide open listening to everybody and just resonating everybody's energy is different than when I first met you all yet it's still so awesomely oriented in this one purpose and that is obviously why I came I I came because actually my friend Laura and Dion decided to do this they actually thought previously to go on El Camino and I said no I've done that kind of thing I don't know if I remember they mentioned this and I said oh I remember that book at least a part of it that I inherited maybe I should read it and then I couldn't find it again so I ordered it online and read you know a lot of the not a lot of the text some of the text started doing the lessons and said okay I'm gonna do it called or full I know what I'm supposed to do this okay we'll get back to you I think it was like minutes later but it was probably maybe an hour and yes you're accepted come on I said oh yes and so first time in my life I packed things into two tiny bags and said okay and an extra plastic bag for all the stinky stuff I didn't usually have to do that it was like I had enough clothes to wear anyway I decided that I was just going to experience this and I still you know I'm attached to my personality and I love this kind of thing because I love being with people and always from that cheerleader part of me no surprise and probably my third night here I was hearing in my head TLT I was doing all these jumps and you know and splits and whatever I couldn't imagine myself doing didn't quite look like this and I was like okay what's TLT and it was just like this presence and the client said what duh it's trust, love, truth you know that and so then I sort of like oh okay and I did it a few more times and I went back to sleep and I realized that that little cheerleader part of me is but it's also a gift because I want to give the love and the inspiration to keep going till you find that spark of presence and love inside you and for me it was meditation for 30-something years that got me quiet enough to know it was there and get it glowing and growing and my prayers were that every sentient being on the earth would feel that and with fan bears and fan bears and it would just you know exponentially take over and miraculous things would happen for everybody and now before I leave it was a miracle happened at breakfast before everything lights and everything went out um Dion opened book full part I haven't read yet and chapter 28 numeral roman numeral 5 it's amazing and it's my big fear was I'm going to go home and I can't make myself be the same me with everybody because even though my ego thinks it's working and it's being fed all along and feeding everybody else's it's just the wrong wolf to feed and this was about joining I read it really quickly and then race to the bathroom no avail and it's alright I'm going to read it some more but in reading it it held the answer for me and I'm going to meditate on that all the way home and for however long it takes before I open my mouth to anybody I will keep my heart open and my love pouring out shining there for whoever was open for it but I'm not going to say anything I'll wait thank you so my name is Ben and I'm probably going to cry first 10 years ago because I wanted peace of mind I was probably ego peace of mind but I wanted peace of mind and I came to the course through Gary Renard's experience of the universe and in that art and in person they teach forgiveness process and I was so grateful for that because when I used that forgiveness process then my mind could be at peace and so I practice forgiveness for 10 years so yesterday morning I probably woke up about 3 and then I fell back to sleep and then I had a dream I had a dream that I woke up in the bunk room and that somebody was playing a ghetto blaster I'm not blasting out a song and so in my dream I'm just kind of perplexed about that right and I woke up and I, oh it's a dream and then I went back to sleep and the second dream and the dream was again somebody in the other room they were playing a guitar and they were singing a song and so that wakes me up and again I'm oh again it's the song right and then yesterday afternoon David you were talking about the remembered song right and so so last night after our meditation I stayed behind and I just continued to go into meditation and so I've been able to access all stillness for about a year but I, last night I got into so the peace that path is understanding and I guess you could call it silence but for me I still had my commentator was still going but it was just this deep, deep I don't even know how to describe it but it wasn't completely silent it was like there was that I would call it but it was just a long within it as well so so anyways so, so grateful so grateful and I've been practicing gratitude I have a big dog at home and we run for an hour in my first 20 minutes a kind of mind chatter and then usually the rest of my time is in gratitude so so the gratitude meditation was very familiar to me but it just led me into that deep deep place of peaceful mind and oh, I have wanted that clean slate and that's what it feels like as a clean slate you know, so I can just every moment just be, you know, just full of wonder and curiosity and not bring that past to it and just be aware of what that moment holds so, so grateful for everything, thank you everybody I'm Karen Karen and I realize I'm so scared to speak last year my experience here was anger and love so much love and lots of miracles on the way home and a good journey in the beginning in terms of feelings and Asheville is about an hour from me so there are lots of ACI and people there but I couldn't see anybody that wanted to deal with feelings so I mostly have been doing this on my own and just going to YouTube like crazy but everything was escalating I wake about 4.30 in the morning and sometimes in the stillness the presence is so strong and I get so scared because it's so big and beautiful and so after all of all of the years of studying in her child work both as a client and you know being trained I just thought well this was all in her child stuff and so when I got here to the retreat I really I didn't know but I was wired and I met with Suzanne as I was walking out the door she said Karen try to relax that's a strong word I'm not even seeing it so I went outside and sat on the patio and then went for a walk and I heard my name called you know somebody said Karen and I looked around because I thought it must have been a black member or somebody but there wasn't anybody and and just before I went for that walk I had asked God I said just tell me you're still with me and that I'm not so monkey minded that I'm shutting you out totally with trying too hard and you know then I heard that and I was meeting with Kirsten she asked me what that meant and all I could think of at the time was as I went deep to think about it was that sometimes the only way I can reach you is outside of your head so maybe and so I went with that and then during the healing touch time I just had a real deep, deep release through tears and and when I was done doing that I thought oh boy now I'm sad this inner child is really done you know I finally she's let it all out and and I stood up and it was my turn right after that to pray for somebody and I thought I can't pray for you I've got nothing absolutely nothing to give you and that was one of the greatest feelings I've ever had because it was all ego for that time dropping away and each time I went around and it was my turn to pray for someone the ego would want to come back with its you know try this do this and and I just started saying the name of Jesus which I haven't used in years because I was a pastor's wife for 34 years and I'd never really forgiven myself for making promises to people in terms of traditional Christianity making promises that weren't going to be kept you know and I told them things that Jesus would do that Jesus wouldn't happen it was like spiritual band-aids so I released I stopped using Jesus as a as a source or as a communicator and but when I got here especially after I heard the voice call my name I had this tender feeling about Jesus it was the kind of tenderness you know you know when it's real so I thought maybe in whatever way I can comprehend Jesus is calling so I was talking to Kirsten about that and she showed me a picture of a Christ she used on her desk it was really sweet so I'm getting mixed up but in the latter part of the prayer time I just kept saying when the eagle would jump in I'd say Jesus, Jesus, Jesus keep saying his name so that I wouldn't get in the way of whatever you know that comes through us to heal and I also felt that the power that I heard felt in the stillness in my home back in North Carolina that it was okay to let that be what it was just go ahead however full it could get just let it be so it kind of it was it was and was so I was assuming you know I thought okay now I don't have to go that far with the inner child again and I was sitting by Calico the next morning and she said well I hope I hope you don't mind that I'm a cuddler and I thought good night you have the cuddled capital of the world I was very grateful that she said it turned the end of the time I said could I lay my head on your shoulder and I did and here came this inner child again and so I instead of resisting and I just let it come as strong as it needed to and I realized that I had this feeling that she's a scum of the earth and the scum of the earth to me is a cockroach and she became a cockroach and she was laying on her back and her belly was exposed like a like a washer board and and was right up here in my neck and I think I thought well that's that's you know I think now that that's all about being afraid to speak all the way the truth and the power that we all possess I was scared and so I thought instead of resisting and I'll just start saying Jesus so I said Jesus and then person's face came with her picture and Suzanne's face came and David's face came and I thought okay I know these are the people I trust so you know I'll let them do with the cockroach but it didn't nothing more happen I kind of woke up from it and the only vision I had today because it's still you know in my mind it's still there and wanting to speak and wanting to have tones was I saw Kirsten playing it like a xylophone I don't know I don't know I don't know what's going to happen that's good and I I really do know nothing I just know nothing so that's where I am and I wanted to go home feeling all the love that I know that we all are and this is an amazing love fest it's amazing I just love it I thank you all very much for every kind thank you I'm Jamie and I'm just asking the Holy Spirit to help me kind of encapsulate all the things that have been happening during this week of time because a lot of stuff has happened and on the whole I've just been blitzing out just like you know it's overwhelming sometimes and it just makes me cry with joy one of the things that happened was I was walking back to my little dome home and just kind of you know beeping along and stuff and kind of whistling to myself one of the songs that's been coming into my head a lot while I've been here is that one of the renditions was by Willie Nelson you know come on up to the house you know this world is not my home I'm just passing through or passing by and come on up to the house so I was probably whistling or humming that one and I just kind of had the feeling to sit down in my little lounger right there next to my dome home and as soon as I sat down the Spirit said you're the joy giver and I'm in the workbook lessons right now that are talking about you know your purpose accepting your function and you know God's will for you is perfect happiness and I share God's will for my perfect happiness I just sat there and just just like the joy giver oh my god just what a you know what an honor just really and so I kind of you know got a little teary and just spent a few minutes just in silence kind of trying to take that all in and then I went inside and sat down and the Holy Spirit said it well yeah remember Jamie I'm joining with Jason and going to be working on movies because that's my background the first assignment that he and Laverne have given me is to do the commentary and stuff on the giver and this was before I wrote with the giver so I'm sitting there and he was like well of course you know the giver this is your first assignment and you're the joy giver and so of course I was like oh that's so cool that that fits right in and of course it does and then the next night the show that we're watching is a giver and I actually hadn't ever seen the movie and when I get back to Panama kind of one of the things that I was planning was well obviously Jamie you have to watch the movie first so you know what it's all about but now we've watched together and had the commentary so it just was pretty cool the way that all worked out but last night after our meditation during meditation I just went to a different place hard to describe and afterwards I hung out and got hugs from the guys just amazing and then as I went back to the dome home I was you know singing singing the thank you and there's only love and I just kept singing it and I got this vision of just kind of like just myself as light just dancing before the father just dancing it I was just singing it this is amazing this has been such an incredible experience and you know it's it's you know largely due in part to just all of you and it's all us we're all one and I just want to say thank you so much thank you father thank you spirit thank you my fellow spirits thank you I'm Karen so if my eco could have had its way with me it's like I'm at work myself I I didn't really care I mean that's like I know that very deeply and so I have been working on shifting for a couple of years so consequently very tired and but I was reading Kirsten's book and she made the comment and she was going through a lot of fatigue that she realized that she was tired of being in the pot and then I just hit home for me so deep like how tired I am I think it's trying to hurt my way out a bit you know just working myself did that till something different happened it's been such a big key for me because I've had what I call divine homesickness for a really long time and I was really little even I was looking to God and so coming here was such an answer for my heart you know for the rest and it was exactly what I needed and so gosh the first few days I was just singing inside just oh God I mean I was just like a happiest kid inside I was like quiet he's I was and I was just it was so there and I was so there I was like an ambrosia I just lay in my little cocoon you know so perfect cocoon for me to be in that space and it's like I couldn't sleep enough but I wasn't really sleeping but it doesn't matter how many times I meditated or how much I rested it's just like more more more more and I've dealt with for probably the last 30 years really huge sensitivity to milk creamer cheese not butter just those three things and when I eat them I get really bad migraines I get really sick kind of like the flu so I'm really pretty vigilant about that well I think it was Tuesday night we had something that oh coconut milk and there was this moment where I checked out and I just I ate it and it's just like oh fuck so I've had well two and a half two days or whatever it feels like a week of being physically not well and not sleeping well just aching migraine and just not feeling well and I it's like David doesn't have to deal with this shit what's the matter with me that I have this reaction am I like not good enough or what is going on I needed an answer and of course I never want to deal with this issue so I'm dealing with it here praying about it and I think locating that moment in time where I checked out where I wanted what I wanted where I I wanted what I wanted and I was going to do what I wanted to do and then the repercussions and so I'm praying to spirit what you know what's the deal here what do I need to get and what I got was is that I hope I can put it in what is that it's how it feels it's like they needed to get my attention in a way that would like have me like waking up this is your life it's just a microcosm of your life when you don't stay conducted or turn it over or listen and I think I've been getting that on other levels but not as painfully and it is the answer to my prayer and being here of of wanting to listen and if I need to turn over my those parts of me that still want to be in control that want what I want and today I don't feel sick today's my birthday I love this start by saying thank you Ray I love that image of like you and it was either Alexa or Kristen that said the care bear thing so David's like our grand teddy bear I just love that and there's a couple other things that I really want to say this last week has been glorious I have love basking and love of all my mighty companions here I am no stranger to quiet however having all of this being surrounded by all of this has just been wonderful and the other thing that I wanted to say is that I'm leaving with the motivation to construct a sensory deprivation tank to meditate in because I had some sessions in that hot tub that were incredible so thank you all when you know it's real you feel it's real and I was searching for that really loud but really really seriously I love the movie because I feel like I feel like I did I did all that all the lies and now I'm ready to feel and let that feel that feeling of the joy-giver I am just be without even knowing what that means or needing to know anything at all about the present holiness that I was taught perfectly thank you and then we just try it out without even any words and I'm like oh I see what you mean so I'm so happy because I don't talk to you guys with words very much I still feel that and I hear Kate and I'm like what so it's nice and then I listen and now since I came here and experienced I just let my heart gently open because I know there's nothing of fear I know there's nothing of fear and I know there's nothing to know but I came here just to sit there because I know I felt I felt what's true and I just let the warmth of it just come in creep into whatever this is and when I went up to talk to Kirsten Kirsten I'm sorry we I didn't have anything really talked about really except you said Kate I love you I'm like oh like that baby in the camera I'm like oh I felt that really felt that then we just dropped into this peaceful place I know but I didn't remember here and it just it unfolds me like that beautiful song last night in front of me in back of me surrounding me and that's what I'm taking with me when I go because wherever I go I can share that with everybody else that's that too I gently love them because that's what I love doing and they love it too so I'm not going to be stingy anymore or scared about it thank you for never ever never won I know that I need that okay here's the key I came the first time I said what I wanted to get from here was to be able to go to the place so quiet and move through the resistance that I had to that when I'm in pain so I said to session with Kirsten listen to David's teachings and I listened to your story Suzanne and the gentleness with which you all would start the meditation each morning and work my way through a lot of guilt it's still there still working through around my father's death as a child and as a child I had done something that he had requested me not do he died all the wars and in a child's way I took that as he did it and then this was first as an adult when my oldest daughter was 15 and she was not an easy daughter and I was not a great mom we had a fight and then she had a car accident and she died and so there was a lot of guilt there too it actually seemed this is kind of a metaphor for that original belief of I killed God but not couldn't get to so some of this has been going on this week and then going consciously and then yesterday the meditation in the morning and the gongs and the last song of perfect gentleness I think was the last word that was interesting and I went to that deeper place stillness and then I went back to my room and without even thinking about it meditated another hour in that stillness and watched house film the cow to move across the sky so I thank God I still am in a different way for a long time I knew that I had to make some changes in my life because things weren't working and I've been studying a course for a number of years but it didn't resonate as well as it has in the last year or a year and a half and sometimes nearly part of this year even I've done a lot of dreams stuff and even in my dreams maybe I woke up from a dream crying but in my dream I was sitting there just crying saying I just wanted to go home just wanted to go home and I knew intuitively that that wasn't home as a physical location and I had so I kept trying and at some point I came across David's teachings I don't even know how but it was something that really changed my perspective on a lot of things and I knew I had to take another step because I had some decisions that I needed to make in my life and most of you don't know Marsha who so I didn't want to go someplace where I had friends because they know Marsha and they know that she's really anal and detail oriented so when I ask my questions I have to have the pros and cons and it's all a mental activity it's not an intuitive response to what does Marsha's heart want to do so I'd never been able to treat so I came here because I prayed that I would get some help so that I would be able to hear the voice of spirit and get some guidance in my life because my guidance wasn't working and I set up a session with Suzanne which was pretty amazing for me because as I talked with her about a particular decision she was sitting there saying well I think you're perfectly clear about what you need to do and my mind was going to say someone else in the universe I'm talking about the same thing so I needed to step back from that and see what she was hearing that I was saying that I didn't know what I was saying thank you Suzanne thank you so and since I've been here I'm a lover of nature and I love to walk and I love the openness I just love my heart open and I'm open space and the first morning I get up early and I like to see the stars in the sky I had gone for a walk after daylight and saw eagles my first morning and the second morning I was out roaming through the hills and stuff and I found a stone that was shaped in a heart and it's going home with me it's a double heart it's a double heart oh is it? yeah because it has that white around it it's just like for me that was pretty profound and in the last two mornings I've heard an owl when I've come out between I was writing my journal I haven't written in years because of some old personal things I stopped writing after my brother died and other things happened I started journaling again especially here because the emotions were coming up some things were being released and this morning as I was writing about it during the last day came my fears which I set up another thing that was to be in yesterday because I was afraid to go out of the cocoon and would I be able to maintain the motivation to move forward in this direction and fearful that I didn't have the support to do that this morning I was writing a journal and butt back up on stuff last night I had a dream I haven't dreamt at all the whole time I've been here which is amazing the last night I had a dream and in my dream I was being attacked and all of a sudden someone was attacking me and all I did was I yelled help and I think I said it out loud because I woke myself up and I thought oh can I wake everybody else but for me what then came to my mind was that my call for help was to hold the spirit and to my mighty companions who have been here this whole week who have revealed so many things to me that it's just been hard-opening and I'm extremely grateful and from your teachings David it's a new person I'm getting more support for everything that you said it's really curious to and so in my journal this morning I thought that came to me and it was something that was our motto in our graduating class from high school many years ago now I don't think I'm even a senior on this level of teaching right now but the motto was with every ending a new beginning and that's what this has been with me thank you all from the bottom of my heart thank you I'm Kathy and I see you a lot of things I am a talker and I was thinking yay I get to talk I'm gonna talk talk talk I'm not just challenging I wanted to as Susan and Suzanne I had a session with and she's not the first time I've been called a rebel but she kind of nailed me on that in a way that I was kind of like I don't care I'm gonna do I'm gonna do what I want to do when I want to do it and so that was going on quite a bit this week of let me break the rules come on just a little whispering come on silent yeah back off who are you tell me what to do I didn't realize that how strong it was and I was initially when I stood in the opening thing was I wanted to heal or to open and with this thing about loss for me and what else loss and for I think the first couple of days I was time is just completely gone here a lot was planning my trip home already all right here I'm gonna do that and just to keep going on and on about all the things and what I was gonna say do blah blah blah back in Santa Fe now yeah just that whole thing I was very aware of I wasn't being present quite a bit to now too right here so that was some of the niggling but what I really enjoyed going into the kitchen every day I love the kitchen and I wanted to be I like being first I was ready and even a lot of things that I would normally eat but I was whispered to someone I said I have a new relationship with white bread and I'm gonna go buy loads of white bread I have a lot of I don't even eat peanut butter but you remember whatever this peanut butter here was such a kid thing I must eat jiffy it's like oh it's so smooth I love the way it tastes so that being in that kitchen it was like and I didn't sign up to help at all and I just wanted to be here and be served and I really wanted myself to be served a lot to that I didn't feel guilty I didn't feel bad about that so I didn't look for anything I washed my bowl and played today I was like wow okay that just felt like a cool thing other than that I didn't move to do that at all and then the other last thing was watching everybody moving all the time it's like sit here for a while then they get up and move and again for a while it was like they're doing that they're projecting I was projecting bodies moving around but I thought well that's me I'm just like my mind is on the move all the time I'll sit for a little bit but then like a little bead is over here then I'm over there I'm over here and yet so there was a little judgment with that just was like watching this dance of flow of people just at you know there was no like sit here I don't meditate real well either I get kind of antsy and that was okay too just letting my mind just run around and not make it for the most part not judge that it's a bad thing just watching the movement of the energies of seeming other people and I like the bomb colors I felt so happy in the result of those gals I did right now in about six minutes time there's a group leaving on the first shuttle which includes Janelle so Janelle will give you 30 seconds and then that first I want a picture of everyone yeah me too group photo so we may pause at this point we're going in spontaneously after Janelle we're going to pause and so that group have five minutes for a five minutes Suzanne's hands has to be very precise to get that first group off we have to be very profice there is an airport shuttle and we need to be on time for airport shuttle so that group you know who you are, Janelle, Andy Alexa I think it's just three it's just three you need to make sure that your things are in the car including yourself at 1030 ready to pull out and Jeffrey is going to take you so so much more go Janelle well first I want to thank God for allowing me to be here because he's the only one brought me here I have learned to listen to him and not question, just be obedient so when I came here I have no expectations I'm not even going to think I'm going to pray, I'm going to meditate because I'm pretty much quiet at home I'm like I don't meditate like daily but I know how to be still and connecting so for me this is not like I'm going down off, why not no so the first day well the second day when we come we can go through the hill like through the edge and I'm just admiring the heights and the skies and I'm like just feeling the wind and I start listening to the river the noise it's just like and I hear inside me like something that says come and join me I'm like you kidding me how do I go there what if I get lost okay I'm not going to question I've been obedient so I know it's you God so I start walking down I took my phone with me taking pictures, I shouldn't but I like to take pictures on nature so I'm walking down and when I faced the border where all the plants are the bushes the stones and stuff I look through it and I'm like that looks wrong I don't know how to go there to the river but the voice kept telling me just follow the path you are safe so I start walking without even looking to the end I just look to my feet and every time I look it was clear and I keep walking I'm like inside me like it didn't look like that from the end from the start and everything was so clear nothing, not even a stumble no rocks, nothing okay it looks great so I keep walking and I finally see the river in front of me and I'm like wow I love because I have like a big connection with water and very muddy it was red the water and I said I would love to sit and listen to you God and he said why don't you sit and I'm like where and he told me look to your right there was a chair and it was old enough somebody probably put there and I felt like oh my gosh it's for me, thank you so I sat on the chair and I felt a voice that says I have something to show you and I'm like great let it go, let it play and a lot of like box start to dance they were making figures just in front of me making figures just weird like right and left, up and down coming to me, going up that's awesome so then I just stay still, quiet and I start asking like oh my gosh who could make this river flow so easily without an end like it's endless I mean never stop how could it happen and he said because he trust me and I'm in control of him if you let your issues and problems in me they will fade away let it go, he told me and that was nice but then I I started to cry because I felt like I was missing someone a body it was my grandma and I was just crying I'm like well I have to go so so I was like oh my god I would love her to be here it is a time check and now it's 10.30 I'm starving my love I have to go well the end is that I met this couple here and they're like my grandma we just need to no pictures we can have a pause I know but they have to leave yeah they have to leave now so we can take our picture later that's what I'm saying yeah the next shuttle of 12.30 I think okay I don't know do you want to do a pause so what we're going to do is we're going to finish up here we're not going to take the photo we just have to stay with our schedule here sorry guys the airport shuttle we've got to go now yeah so we're going to just complete this closing circle thank you yeah we're going to complete this closing circle and then we'll move right into brunch we're almost there it fills up next grandma and grandpa have to talk first had to say goodbye to their granddaughter my final words were don't forget to write I just quickly want to ask it's okay if I have my stuff up there for whenever because I saw people taking all their stuff out of there now it's fine they're catching a fight yeah I wanted this to be short one of the things I learned both coming here and waiting for this large group of people to go before me was that I operate in control I only heard the word used once going around but it's such a burden hold the mic right up Phillip because we don't have our we don't have our we said I operate on control and the first day I met with Kirsten and sort of told my glorious story and by the time I got to Suzanne I was I was more open and she really pointed out in essence what a control freak I was and it's really an advantage and disadvantage mostly a disadvantage and the disadvantage for me has been that I became a physician and I could write prescriptions which included some of my kids I didn't write for myself I was above that I guess but anyway I let other physicians write for me and and recently as last night I got off my final medication by giving up a sleeping potion which I'd been using for quite a while and what a night and what a day my heart had gone into good rhythm until this morning I got a cup of tea so I'm sure they withdraw from the medication and the cup of tea so I'm all of twitter again and it's like I gotta start over which I will do and amazed at so many loving people gathered in one place I've never seen I'd love to take this group home with me of course that's not possible you are each of you so unique all God's children beautiful and David you are like no one I've ever met I've read your books I've watched youtube but being here cracks me up really I don't know where somebody like you comes from but there's certainly not like anybody that I have ever met and the same is true of you, Suzanne and you, Kirsten but I guess passed this on and moved back to learning to let go of control so I got here namely the big draw was Philip and watching David on youtube and I hadn't really but I just thought well let's do this you know it's a real high priority for Philip and we weren't sure we could go or not because he has had these hard issues but I was just willing to go with the flow and I felt like I would do everything to facilitate it and we have this long history with the course of miracles and with many beautiful people and beautiful gatherings and I was ready for a retreat and some new scenery and so I have just appreciated being here and sharing and basking in the love that just flows around and through all of you and I appreciated this space this wonderful setting you know Jonal told me about the walk she took and I wanted to do that too and I did and I wanted to go through the trees and see some of these interesting I mean they look like they're dead and then there's new life sprouting up it's just really different from what I've seen in California so and the rocks are so varied and unique it's just a wonderful natural setting and so and the hero's journey that we all take you know we all are on that and doing it in our own way it's just very beautiful and I honor yours Suzanne you're sharing your gifts and Kirsten your book, your honesty David all your open mindfulness it's wonderful creativity and what is it your collaborations and I hope you have many many thank you my name is Diane and I feel blessed to be here I will say this David and Warren that you get what you ask for and you have to be careful because I didn't realize that what I'd asked for I was concerned that I had flash points with the kids sometimes and I didn't realize how full of opinions and judgments that I was all stuffed away tons of stuff stuffed away that I dealt with and I asked for it all on leash thank you very much okay it did it did I have never been still quiet in one place and I can sit with my legs crossed by the way without it hurting anymore I can even bend over my legs that's you know like my star suit but the most important thing was I'd never been still like that before I'd never understood what I was reading from that quiet place and I just came to realize how very out of touch with myself I've been and I am a prayer as Kirsten said about mind training immediately okay your support and your love no matter what just bless this place with the nature the hot tub also Tatsy yeah that's really cool that's the stillness where I floated around and I thought it was a prune just thank you for what you have provided here for all of us and it is a heroes journey and I have I have a lot of work to do because the intellectual thing David you're absolutely correct and it's just words I don't know I don't know and love and light and forgiveness of myself the power of ego raised that all our kitchen angels gone she said I had shown her just how powerful the ego is and how much work it needs and so if my experiences have let you know just how absolutely ego is no it's very important to let go thank you we'll go that way for a moment can you hear me yes so as I shared when we first got here I do Tai Chi or I do a lot of different things wherever I'm at because as I've explained to Kirsten for me when I go into silence all I want to do is create all I want to do is extend and someone here when I got here she said to me before we started the silence that she came here because she doesn't hear God's voice and I thought oh my God I wish somebody would tell him to shut up that's all I hear is God's voice and I just wanted to come here to find rest so I also thought I was in the midst of the happy dream I've had like all of us a lot of parentheses where a lot of shit has happened in my life and challenges and losses and I know one of the first things I said in my heart here was help me understand this sacrifice I keep following you I keep doing what you tell me to do and it feels like things keep getting pulled away from me and then I came to the place like you know what I don't understand what is there to be pulled away because I remember as a little child being four years old and just being a light and just dancing all around the room and I couldn't understand why the fuck I was trying to be put in this body what was this body for and when I go to school and I hear the teachers talk about um um oh my goodness they talk about that to be holy to be devout you had to be a certain way you had to act a certain way and to listen to God and I thought I listen to God all the time and all I want to do is play and I saw a nun in the school that she was joyful and dancing and the voice she just got harassed because she was full of joy full of life and it even got worse because when I was about nine years old the nuns were talking about the story of Lucifer that it was all his fault that we were in hell because he challenged God because he didn't follow the norm and I raised my hand and I said I wouldn't have gotten mad at him he all he had to do was say he was sorry he asked for forgiveness it was all good she marched me down to the principal's office they called the pastor they called my parents they wanted to know what was being taught in my home because I was a heretic at nine years old and my mom and dad came and my father stood up and said my birth name is Deborah Lynn my daughter actually gave me the name Dylan he says Deborah is full of the Holy Spirit and you're not going to stop her well when he said that it stopped me I was like what does that mean my whole life it was but when I my mom had the graciousness to know that I needed a way to express myself she saw this energy in me and she gave me structure which I needed the structure and every time I would dance people would just say a lot like when I first met you David I didn't hear a word you said I hate words I just hated it all I saw was you standing there I just saw this light and I thought oh one of me there he is he was like oh I know you it was just light that's all I cared about was my life went on you know my drama story I experienced a marriage where my husband saw me dance and got jealous and kicked me and broke my spine and I had to go through surgery and they said I'd never walk again and I was walking in two weeks because I remember thinking how did Jesus put his body back together I didn't have any dogma or anything I was just curious Jesus was always talking to me all the time so I was like and I'm not even sure that I understood what he was saying it was just follow me just do this so as life would have it I got out of the marriage became homeless and had three children that I had to take care of by myself I had a dance studio ultimately I've been living on Divine Providence since 1999 I have nothing, I have no money at the time I don't know where the hell I'm going and people say you have to be clueless well I guess I have blonde hair and big boobs for a reason because I've been going around clueless for a long time and I'm broken back and I'm a dancer for God's sakes anyway long story short as I shared also I was here in 2013 and it was after the death of my son who passed away from a very rare cancer and my son was just radiant being and I couldn't understand why he had to leave and I wanted to go I just didn't want to stay here anymore I hear everybody saying they want to go home it's like yeah I'm so ready to go home and I thought I wanted to come into community here and I went into meditation and I heard that I'm going to go to Indianapolis I don't want to go to Indianapolis I want to go to Hawaii why do I have to go to Indianapolis time by time and long story short I've been there three years and I don't even know what's happening there are these lovely six people that are so loving and have surrounded me I have a home, I have a place it's called the White Home Indie and we gather and talk about the course and we do healing touch and we do movement, we do movies we do all this stuff it's just the six of us but I'm happy it's cool recently about a month ago Eric he starts talking about he wants to buy land in Indiana and do some stuff I don't know what you're talking about I don't know what I'm doing and what's going on and I was literally praying when I saw the retreat and I was outside when I used movement and dance it's for prayer I'm just aware that there's a brunch and then another airport shut off we could just bring to the where I talk it's really long story short I came here I thought I had a holy relationship going before I get here two hours after I get here this person says he's out of it he's out of the relationship and when I got here I said going and going into the projection analysis all this stuff and David pops in my mind has a big big teddy bear and he takes me to the zoo and we go play with the orangutans so I've purposely been trying not to pray or think while I've been here because I'll pick myself apart I just get a call before I go home that anyway things are just exploding and I'm mad because I'm leaving and I have no peace all of you are talking about peace and mystical experiences I need some prayers because my miracles have not happened for me right now my name is Slava and what I have experienced this week is God's love this love in my heart is just expanding expanding it's like it's almost overwhelming my heart is like sparkling and what this came to me yesterday when I was sitting and meditating Jesus appeared in front of me sitting above me and smiling to me and then he did this with his hands and opened them and then one of the hand was a rock with a heart and it said love and in the other hand was a rock that said fear and he said to me that I if I want only love and if I want only God I will have to let go of all the fear and I took the rock and I threw it against a cliff and it exploded in thousand pieces and disappeared and after that I was sitting and I just felt so much love expanding in all of my cells and I got tears in my eyes and and I know why I came here is to let go of everything to let go of my past to let go of my family, my sons in Denmark to follow God all your love and all your life and I love you all thank you thank you oh boy just thank you this week I did two months ago my life was boring and I did this every week personal devotion here and you know I feel like you well of course I'm giving it all away of course I'm following of course this is what's for me to do extend the light and be as a child and the movie giver I just really get I'm currently off all medications and my Christ child and I have just jumped now the rest has yet to be revealed and I'm fine with waiting to see what occurs well a plug for my website onejoyusmind.com I'm writing I have been writing 3 o'clock I don't sleep I have battled sleep I have fought sleep my whole life and what I realized at some point it's when God could get my attention and I was just like no I don't want to sleep and God's just saying could you write just put your hands on the keyboard I'll tell you what to say and so I'm up usually at 230 every day doesn't matter I'm up at 230 and I'm writing with God and I publish it all in the journal and it really took me through the foreclosure and through the cancer I know people have asked me well what did you do so read the blog number one and you'll figure it out because it's not about what I'm doing at all nothing in fact Rita there you are Rita she said she had left her inhaler and I had thousands of these around my house and my car everywhere and I was raised in a family like you were prepared as a boy scout you were prepared I was raised in a family waiting for other shoes to drop so I have the extra roll of duct tape I have the first aid kit that's the way my life has been and this was clearing out everything in the house I had stockpiled morphine during hospice because I thought man if I need to make an exit I've got plenty of morphine to do it with threw all that out I mean everything went and so today and Rita and I are going to do this together here's metastatic lung cancer their COPD and we're going to throw this fucker off the cliff and I'm going to check with you first Suzanne it is a little trash I'll run down the reality is not only this is going off the cliff I also have a my secret bag of vitamins those are going off the cliff I have pedaled vitamins my whole life it's not about taking anything it's about really trusting God it just keeps coming back trust God can you just in this one moment pause long enough before you pick up something else I'm calling one on my doctor self I had a whole book written I was kind of the premier person in New Mexico that knew about heavy metal removal alternative ways I'd be okay I want to hear your heart just your heart in this moment this is all my heart in this moment the most powerful lesson that I got this week was from you Suzanne and you said you could be practicing zip it so thank you Helena has to Helena is the last one I think that's great that's beautiful I don't know where to can you hear me now I don't know where to start directional like an ice cream I don't know where to start because all of this is a dream come true and it's a dream that keeps happening like you know the happy sort of dream it's been my intention since little I was a little girl to just love my prayer every single day when I woke up since I was seven is please teach me how to love every single day and then it comes more and more obvious that yeah that's what I'm here for and have many things to share but we don't have time so I'm just gonna say thank you to all of you it's been so beautiful and I'm so thankful to our creator that I can open my heart in such a beautiful way to hold you all as myself and when I see you I really do not need to see or know your names I just see the light that stands your body it just makes me so happy and I'm so I'm so blessed so blessed to have cross paths with you divine aspects of the mind of God thank you thank you so much for your courage and for seeking the light and for being so beautiful thank you I love you very much I would like to say just one thing that came through one of the meditations that I was having here before you guys showed up and I was experiencing this as I've been the entire time lots of love, joy and peace but it was like one time I was super I was like my body was shaken I was sitting here and James noticed it and he was like you can stay and clean up you can stay and I was like no I need to go and help because Mary is a lot of work and he was like no you can stay no God please tell me what to do what do you want me to do what do you want me to go what do you want me to say and I paused and I heard peace because James was trying to tell me don't leave that peaceful feeling that you're having and the answer was peace is a choice it's always a choice so you take it with you wherever you are if that's what you want if that's what you want that's the key isn't it you have to want it and then it's given and so I went on and did all my work with the same feeling of peace so again thank you thank you thank you for being so beautiful I love you thank you thank you thank you can I share for the cake it's been so amazing it's been so amazing so just really quick I just had such a profound moment when we were watching the giver and that part where you said that him carrying the baby was a symbol of like nurturing the Christ child of him my heart just like cracked open because I realized that like that's all I've been doing it wasn't about moving to the monastery it wasn't about giving up all my shit it was just about nurturing and like that's all it took because I'm experiencing this profound like finding the Christ within like service is becoming easier giving is becoming easier my yes is getting bigger and louder it's just you know the ego can hijack all this and make it about like this big goal or whatever and it's like I just realized I'm so clear now that it's just like that's all we have to do just nurture that part of us that's already there and then it'll just naturally open it'll just naturally come to life and I'm just so grateful you know there's a sadness that came with it too because it's like that child's been waiting like hello like what about me buddy it's such a beautiful week and I'm just so grateful y'all came and we were all able to just nurture that part of us just just wants to be held and loved and supported and say screw all that other shit that's all I got thank you these guys are the ones in the background making sure that everything is flowing gratitude for their devotion and their beauty and their mind training yeah, gratitude it's just so much of it I mean if this is my mind then my mind is very holy that's the thought I just feel such deep devotion and love from everybody and I'm really happy it's like we're all singing this song of thanks and praise to our father and I sat in the kitchen the other day a few tears in my eyes just I couldn't leave a ring there was so much devotion and love and care and attention in there just people silently turning up and yeah it's just so beautiful to see and feel really feel that gratitude and I just wanted to shout this morning I was down to do the 1030 airport run and I joined the curtain last night and I was saying I can't get my mind into that it's just foggy I can't even see the names on the board it's cloudy and then this morning I wake up I don't feel to go to this airport run and then I don't go and there's me thinking something's wrong and maybe it's just a guidance spirit saying you won't be going on that so all the time I'm thinking there's something wrong, there's something wrong it's like actually no I'm just trying to get through to you and let you know that it can be rearranged or whatever so that feels really I feel really happy about that too so yeah just I just want to say thank you just to you all for being coming and just really sink it into this place and bringing your hearts and your open minds and really joining us and I hope maybe we'll see you all again thank you all for grounding this place of peace and love for so many people and so many more I just wanted to share a little insight when you were sharing you were saying the remembered song and there's it's the forgotten song that we're remembering and you said it twice it's the remembered song it's no longer forgotten no longer forgotten so we just take that all with us it's the remembrance of the song and the son to the father and just start leaning back and back and back into that awareness of truth and David's working on a new book and what's the name of it the monastery this moment is your monastery this moment is your monastery and so just take this not as a memory of the past but take it with you in your heart in the present moment that we're all connected and we never have been and we never will be our only proper the only proper use for our memory is of God in this present moment it's a present moment decision it's just been an honor being here with everyone thank you I don't know what time it is the electric's back on I think the money's been on the hot tub so that's what's tripping it all out oh okay it all worked out experiment beautiful so you can use the toilets the electric's working it's our restored restored oh this is the David class the hot monster happiness if any of you wrote testimonials you can put them on the table and they can choose a pile for me there's a very big brunch okay there's a very big brunch Enjoy. Yeah, enjoy. Love you all so much. Thank you. And you can talk to each other. Yeah! We'll do that. What about the photo after Brunch? Do you want to do a photo? Yeah, we'll take the Brunch, I think. Brunch and then maybe a group photo.