 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan Astley of johnathastley.com And I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today our topic make a man chase you It's easier than you think All right really quickly before we get started if you're brand new to my youtube channel Please hit the subscribe button hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos And if anytime during this video the content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I can be seen in the youtube algorithms Also, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty It's direct a little tough love and a lot of heart and occasion I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an f-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea I suggest logging off right now. Lastly. These are my thoughts my perceptions my opinions by no means Do I suggest this is the truth you have to decide the truth for yourself? Here's the thing I'm a bit of a contrarian so my advice goes against the grain So you have to decide for yourself and if I've changed your perspective then great and if not, that's okay, too All right, let's talk about how to make a man chase you. It's easier than you think All right really quickly before we get started. I want to Identify the word chase as I've used in this video And I'd much prefer to replace it with the word invest invest because the idea of chasing someone is This person's running away and you're chasing them and ideally if you're in the dating practice You're not actually running away from someone that they actually have to chase you So I believe a healthier way to approach the process is when two people Mutually invest in one another. Let me repeat that two people mutually invest in one another and One of the challenges we have in dating today, and let's face it. It is a cluster F out there Let's find no let's let's call it for what it is. It is a very frustrating process In fact, recently I was chatting with a friend and they go is there any way I can bypass the dating process and go straight to the Relationship process because they didn't want to go through all the the headaches and the aggravation that occurs when it when you're actually Getting to know another human being Nice, let me repeat that again getting to know another human being Isn't that what dating is is getting to know another human being because the reality is is these days Most of the time we're meeting total strangers. We're meeting total strangers where we know nothing about them We don't know their values. We don't know their background. We don't know their lifestyles and more importantly, we don't know their level of emotional maturity and Yet sadly the dating narrative, especially much of the dating advice is out there is centered around Romance to build attraction. I'm gonna beat that romance to build attraction Now there was this grand expectation that romance is somehow going to lead to Relationship success and I'm here to say romance doesn't lead to relationship success There are a lot of other factors that need to happen for relationship success And do you know how I know this think of all the couples who have gotten married in the last 50 or 60 years That were at the altar Expressing their love and how much they loved each other only to divorce years later. Think about that It wasn't romance that caught I mean it romance was not the indicator of the Relationship success and so there are plenty of people that approach the dating process from a level of attraction and not understanding the true Panics to compatibility and if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg I'm here to share it like I do all the time if you look at it right now above the waterline is Chemistry we hype. That's what we see at first. That's where attraction is and below the waterline is compatibility shared values Blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity and yet most folks don't focus on the more important things in a relationship and Hence why there's so many Starts and stops starts and stops and they start and stop right from the get-go When we when we swipe right or swipe left to another human being and it's rather Frustrating and I know many of you are absolutely frustrated with the process in fact I'm here to say that dating Triggers the number one emotional health issue facing most everybody and the reason why I say dating triggers this I want you to imagine you've gone on a date. You thought you met a really great guy and he never calls you again So you brush yourself off you put yourself out there and you try again and again and again And I want you to imagine how that can aware on you emotionally and what I said was dating triggers the number one emotional health Issue which is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likeable I'm here to say if you've ever felt that way I want to reach across the screen give you a big gigantic gigantic Jonathan bear hug if that's okay And I want to invite you to ask yourself What would love do and how would love respond because what would love do and how love would respond now? I'm not suggesting it would suggest buying the book But my book is called what the heck is self-love anyway What the heck is self-love anyway? There's a link below to Jonathan recommend books because I'm here to say when we invest in our own sovereignty our own Self-word self-esteem self-confidence. We approach the process with less Expectation and a greater understanding is what does it take to truly connect with another human being that makes them want to? Invest in you or we could use the word chase if that makes you feel better. I prefer the word invest What's it take for a man or woman to genuinely invest with one to with each other? Here's the thing. It's actually more about developing the friendship than it is about the romance I'm repeat that it's more about developing the friendship because here's the bottom line and let me ask you everybody Let me ask you this question When you think of your best friend and you think of the word communication I'm repeat that when you think of the word best friend and when you think of the word communication in response to your best friend What's the first thing that comes to mind? I know for me What comes to mind is I can say anything to my best friend. I can share my truth I can be vulnerable. I can be authentic. I can be transparent So this narrative that the whole dating process is centered around building attraction That's great for jumping into bed It is great for jumping the bed and for if you're just looking to get laid then build that attraction all you want Because if you want to build a deeper richer relationship, then it's going to require to go deeper yourself And how do we build a friendship? We build a friendship through social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends That's how we build Friendship and when you've developed an actual friendship with the person that you're dating They want to keep investing more and more in the relationship when two people are equally investing in the relationship They start to form a bond like this that eventually becomes a bond like this that you can't break apart And yet sadly so few people are actually creating that they're actually investing in Getting to know each other at a friendship level at a friendship level It's because so many of you've been indoctrinated in the ridiculous book called the rules Which is all centered mostly on how to create tension So they chase you how to create tension so they chase you so the narrative that playing hard to get might cause an emotionally unhealthy man an Emotionally avoidant man even a needy man to chase you. There's no doubt about it creating tension will make the Emotionally immature people chase you but here's the thing you need to understand about human beings the vast majority of people are Emotionally immature or they have weak relationship skills And I'm going to show we a new graph for you all So I'm going to show this on the screen and if you could see at the top It says emotional maturity and relationship skills and this first 20% Are the absolute clinical issues people that have absolute clinical issues that make it very difficult for them to maintain emotional maturity or Even any level of capable of being in relationship and then the other 20% over here are those emotionally mature people who have developed the skills To actually communicate with one another in a healthy way and as you can see in the middle. That's what I call dysfunctional people Folks we are dealing with a rather dysfunctional community of sing eligible singles in midlife Who have done little work to heal childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult traumas that cause them to have Negative patterns and limiting beliefs in their lives that end up sabotaging their relationship This is why if you watch my channel, I frequently recommend the book the Hoffman process the Hoffman process This is a book that does a deep dive into healing those childhood wounds and traumas that makes you that helps you become Or helps you lean into that 20 where did I put it 20% category of Emotionally healthy people because ultimately if you're swimming in the pool of Emotionally stunted people people would have weak Relationship skills then you're gonna be beating your head up against the wall Hoping that somehow magic fairy dust will change it and all you have to do is sit back in your feminine energy And that man will claim you I Want you to think of the word claim? Claiming you I know you've been sold on the idea of being claimed property is claimed a Partnership is a shared experience a partnership is a shared experience. This is why I'm not big on playing games I'm big on showing up in your loving self Loving self and I want to invite you all to practice when I'm about to share because at the end of the day What's gonna make two people really invest remember? I said invest. It's not about chasing What's gonna make two people genuinely invest in each other is what I call the four? Well, I don't call it the four a's I learned something called the four a's and that is attention affection Appreciation and acceptance attention affection appreciation and acceptance attention means being present How many people have you gone on date and they're always thinking about the future a lot of you women are thinking about where's this relationship going? Where's this relationship going and you're not present? Guys are thinking about work work work work work, and you're thinking about where's the relationship going Folks if you genuinely want to get to know someone be present to what's happening in the moment Number one attention affection listen What's the point of being in a relationship if you can't touch each other the idea is to physically give each other a affection to one another that's what makes you want to come back for more and then Appreciation, you know, I was watching a video that earlier said absence makes the heart grow fonder Bullshit absence doesn't make the grout go on make the heart grow fonder what that does is create an unhealthy trigger of Missing someone that might make you temporarily go after that person, but that doesn't actually fill their soul what genuinely fills another person's soul is when two people Genuinely appreciate one another they appreciate one another Appreciation is what makes the heart grow fonder and not absence This is why I'm not a big proponent of playing hard to get or giving a man space because you think that's going to make him chase you Yes, it makes them temporary Listen emotionally unhealthy men will temporarily chase you I get it But you don't want those emotionally unhealthy men you want those genuine men who are ready to be in a relationship Now here's the hard part You're gonna have to learn how to ask better questions in the dating process And if you need some help with that check out the link below to a free discovery call with me My whole coaching practice is centered around understanding true compatibility learning how to ask the questions specific to your personality that helps you understand If this person is right for you and lastly how to vet for emotional maturity that is more important than Romance it's learning how to vet this other person The dating process is a vetting process to decide if you want to be in relationship with someone and a Relationship is a vetting process to decide if you want partnership with another human being and quite frankly most of you out There are winging it you're winging it You're winging it and men are rather clueless to the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship This is why I continually recommend the book eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman eight dates Listen, this book teaches you the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship. I Was watching a divorce attorney. I've watched an interview with a divorce attorney earlier Do you know if you look at if you actually spent some time in? Family court at divorce court, and you actually I know you're not going to do this I have actually done this several times I've sat in court and listened to all of the problems these couples were having that caused them to have to have a divorce And what occurred to me is maybe if we reverse Engineer this and deal with the problems head on right from the very first date You don't end up in either being ghosted breadcrumbs Broken up, you know ditched, you know, not breaking up with you and eventually even a divorce if you got married This is why I recommend all these books so you understand that ultimately The couples that really go the distance are the couples that say the same thing if you look at a picture of my mom and dad That's the picture of them right right about the time they got married. They were together 66 years I once sat down with three other My parents and two other couples they'd all they're they're all good friends collectively 150 years of marriage and they all said the same thing They married their best friend and they didn't mean that they were best friends when they got married What they mean is their friendship was the cause of their amazing Relationship and so ladies since I my audience is women men aren't thinking about this You're going to have to be in charge of suggesting Social activities hobbies mutual interests doing things together. Maybe it's playing video games together. Maybe it's playing gin rummy together That told on one second everybody hold on. I don't like doing this Want to share with you a quick story Here's a card a deck of cards. This was actually gifted to me by a client. I once met a woman We're on our second date. She pulled out a deck of cards and said do you like gin rummy I said, yeah I'm okay with it. So we started to play and every time we got together we played gin rummy and I loved it. It was so much fun We were so competitive with one another and while it didn't turn into a relationship because we weren't a good fit I actually after we stopped seeing each other I missed the idea of playing gin rummy with somebody now I will tell you she happens to now be a friend in my life and we got together a couple years ago before the pandemic to watch a Football game at a bar that are her son owns and she brought out a deck of cards and while watching football We're playing gin rummy and I loved it You see the smile on my face when we can start doing things that we love together That's what bonds us to one another and that's what makes us want to invest when you can feel like you're hanging out and Talking with a really dear friend. In fact, you know what folks? I know the idea of hanging out gets a bad rap because it's usually sexually oriented. I can tell you one of my best Relationships we actually all we did on the second third and fourth date as we won hung out our home And we talked with one another and I loved it and she loved it. There's so much and it wasn't sexual I wasn't trying to jump and get her in bed. I wanted to get to know her and sometimes when we're sitting in a relaxed Environment, that's one of the best places to get to know one another now Here's the thing she and I had a lot of mutual friends. We knew each other There was a lot of familiarity before we did that I am not suggesting that you go to someone's home You don't know or inviting someone to your home that you don't genuinely know what I'm saying though is Hanging out is a great way to actually get to know another human being instead of the romance driven way That a lot of people are teaching especially the princess coaches They all want to be wind and dined but let's face it lining dining doesn't necessarily lead to relationship success What leads to relationship success is when you can wind and dine each other's heart from an emotional level And if you haven't read the book if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated I highly recommend Reading this book so you can learn how to connect with someone at a heart-centered level Instead of a romance based level. Okay, so what's gonna make a man chase or invest in you? When he actually feels like you're his friend and let me just tell you this folks A lot of you are in relationships and you're not even good friends with one another and that's sad All right, that's the gist of my talk today Now we're going to jump into the q&a portion for those who are very or listening to or who are here on the video live There's a chat box where you can post questions We're going to take questions for a little bit if you're listening to the audio just bear with me And again, if you have a question write the word question and then post the question thereafter So it's easier for me to find or you can purchase a super sticker or super chat There's a little dollar sign at the bottom of the chat box the super the money's from the super sticker super chat Goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor as like that's a picture of him right there That's and there it is right there That's my son who passed away a few years ago and in his honor I've created a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for those who would like personal development support So purchase the super sticker super chat. That's where the funds go to All right We're going to get started right now. So let me look at the q&a board and I see we have a couple questions already Coco writes Question What would you say if he says he wants to move in with you but doesn't want to feel trapped but when you when he's not with you He misses you Um, well, there's that's a more of a complicated question Oh, sorry, click the box. So first off, how long have you been dating? Have you talked about the finances of moving in together? This is a very complex conversation talking about moving in with one another And when he says he doesn't but doesn't want to feel trapped Um, I would ask him. What does that mean to you? What does being trapped mean to you? And then when he says when he's not with you he misses you That's a very dysfunctional way to demonstrate love. Love isn't half listen folks I don't believe healthy love happens when we miss someone I believe healthy love happens when we appreciate someone So I would want to know what does feeling trapped mean and I would try to dig a little further as to why Does he feel more appreciation for you when he misses you instead of in your company? Because quite frankly, isn't the point to be face to face with one another. That's at least my um That's in at least the way I'm looking at it. Anyway, so koko. Thank you so much for that question But again again have a conversation. This is a very important conversation There's a lot of mechanics to moving in together. That's not my air of expertise But I would start with a real heart-centered conversation first. So, um, thank you again for that question. I appreciate it All right, let's see what chloe says Question my ex is back with a heart with a heart broken from another woman He said he's not ready for a relationship But wants to go out wants me to go out with him and I'd like to spend time with him also. What should I do? You're a grown-up woman You can do whatever you want. Okay Now when he says he's not ready for relationship, guess what? He's not ready for a relationship Now if you're hoping that magic fairy dust will somehow change all of this Let me just tell you something if he's going through a heartbreak It takes time to mend someone's heart To actually reintegrate into their own sovereignty their self-worth their self-esteem And it takes some healing Before someone is ready. And so what you end up what you are is the distraction So do you remember in the movie jerry maguire jerry maguire? You complete me There's a hole inside of jerry maguire and he says you fill up my hole Well, he's just seeking you to fill up that hole because you're familiar with him He has access to you but that by no means suggests that he wants a relationship with you Most likely anyway, but again, you're a grown-up woman. You get to do whatever you want If you want to do what the definition of insanity says is beating your head up against the wall And expecting different results than knock yourself out I'm not here to suggest what you do. You have to decide for yourself. You wanted what you want to do My invitation for you is let him go heal on his time because you know what he's looking for you He's looking for you to be his therapist. He's looking at your female energy To be his therapist. He just wants to most likely i'm not saying this is an absolute most likely He just wants to dump on you Vetted out and you're just like this will be music to my ears because he's sharing vulnerability by telling me all his problems Oh my gosh You're just being his therapist and let me tell you what happens You're going to be his therapist for a while and then as soon as he feels better He's going to be off go to find someone else. That's a bright shiny penny Anyways, that's okay. That's not an absolute I'm just giving you probably a 95 chance. That's what's going to happen But of course you ladies always like to hold out for the five percent So go knock yourself out and enjoy the ride And then when it when it blows up in your face, just remember what I just said Or at least that's my invitation. Anyway, chloe. Thank you so much for your question. Sorry. I had to be harsh there All right Oh my god, there is just a lot of activity on the board here um question G wartman says why would I feel happy trying to maintain a friendship with a man that ghosted me several times? Why can't I let his actions stop me from liking him unconditionally? Why would I feel happy trying to maintain? Well, then obviously my my invitation for you is you probably have some childhood wounds or trauma That makes you attracted to this man I highly recommend reading the book getting the love you want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt So you can understand the amago. What's probably the attraction to him is some familiar childhood wounds That relates to one or both your parents That's what causes human beings to go after dysfunctional people Remember when I showed you this emotional maturity and relationship skills Okay, and I said 20 of people are in the absolute clinical clinical issue stage 60 are in the dysfunctional stage and then there's 20 who are actually emotionally mature When we are emotionally dysfunctional we make poor choices for ourselves I repeat that when we're emotionally dysfunctional we make poor choices for ourselves. This is why I continually recommend reading my book What the heck is self love anyway? And I definitely want everyone to read the book how to be an adult in relationship because children go after the bright shiny penny adults operate from a more intentional space of understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship. So that's my invitation for you on that one and Ms. Wortman, I'm just going to suggest Don't invest in someone who isn't ready to invest in you. That's my invitation for you anyway. Thank you for your question I really appreciate it All right, let's go swim in Candice writes question. Can you explain since you're a man why men pull away When they are stressed with work and life and what's the best thing I can do to be supportive? But give space. Okay, great question. Okay So it's very natural for human beings to pull away Man or woman to pull away emotionally when there is chaos going on in their life Now to it's one thing to pull away emotionally. It's another thing to pull away from the relationship What's most likely happen is you haven't really built that genuine friendship skills In your relationship that makes that would encourage a man to lean into Speaking to you when he's going through chaos instead of pulling away Okay, so what's most likely missing is your relationship lacks a genuine foundation of friendship Because most likely you haven't really shored up Do you have share the same values is your lifestyle blendable and lastly are you two emotionally mature people? So it's very common for emotionally immature people to pull away from a relationship men and women alike because the relationship lacks That genuine sense of friendship because that's the core piece that makes a relationship go the distance That's the core piece that makes a man want to chase or what I say invest in you Is when you develop that true core friendship with one another What does friendship look like? It's social activities. It's hobbies. It's mutual interest. It's spending time with family and friends It's traveling together. It's teamwork building skills in both your personal and your professional life It's intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy. It's learning a good communication skills Especially when you're having conflict with one another learning to listen to your partner's point of view Accepting your partner's point of view is being true for them and you doing the same for them. It's acceptance It's appreciation. It's attention These are the things that make us want to lean in instead of pull away And the reason why people pull away is they haven't really developed the true core essence A friendship with one another a real core friendship That's because you're all being taught just lean back and your feminine energy and he's gonna claim you because men are just so good at that Folks, I know there are some prince charming's out there and I know a lot of my Contemporaries, especially the younger generation coaches out there have married a few of the prince charming's out there My demographic is a demographic of dysfunctional human beings myself included and what I mean by dysfunctional I mean we've got issues. We've got traumas. We've got stuff that needs healing And you're either working on your stuff or you're not and sadly most people aren't doing the healing work So they can actually lean into a healthy happy relationship. This is why I continually recommend books to show up your life And yet many of you are resistant to doing the work which tells me you're equally immature Because if you're not willing to invest in yourself To make yourself more emotionally mature to have those skills to be a better communicator in relationship Then you're going to be suffering Again, what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results Stop it start leaning into your sovereignty your self-worth self-esteem. That's my invitation for you all And what that's what you do Don't focus on what he's doing focus on what you're doing folks He pulls away. You can give a heartfelt. Hey I I see that you're taking space, you know, since we have a relationship with one another I want you know, I'm here for you if you need me and I understand why you're taking space I just want you to know while you're taking care of yourself if you go take care of yourself too long I may not be your girlfriend at the end of the day So you have a choice. You can either lean into our relationship together or you can move on. I'm okay with either one I'm okay with either one because you know what I love myself to know that no matter what I'm going to be okay Whether you're in my life or not At least that's my invitation. Try that out for size. All right. Thank you so much for that question Who was that was that canvas? Thank you so much. I appreciate it And that's coming from a man by the way. So thanks again for that question All right. Maya says question Me and my partner of three years took a break, but still hang out in text and call often Even bought me a gift. He decided to go sell sell a bit, but still Messes messes with me. What should I think of us? You know what? You know it to me. What is the depth so when two people are not in a romantic relationship then what kind of relationship are they in? We often call people friends, but what is a true friend I like the way Jerry fine Seinfeld talked about a friend He once said a true friend is the person will help you move furniture that will help you move furniture That's a true friend. Here's the thing a lot of human beings out here have a lot of social Acquaintances even with past lovers. They are merely social acquaintances. What makes a true friend You know folks when my son Connor passed away again, there's a picture of him right here My the woman that I was in relationship a couple years before Would we ended it a year before Connor passed away? You know when she heard of it, I mean I was she was one of the first people I called because she knew my son intimately First words out of her mouth. What that makes me cry now. What can I do for you? What can I do? And you know when it came to the funeral and it was a big expense She helped defray the cost That's what a friend does A friend is there for you during the hard times a friend is there for you When you're going through struggles and they're going to sit by your side and they're going to hold that umbrella when it's raining They're holding it over you and not themselves That's what a genuine friend does And yet so many of you call your ex lover friends When they would never be there for you when you're going through a hard time to me Those are the relationships. I want to nurture Are the ones that say I'm going to be there for you through thick and thin Otherwise, there are social acquaintance and I am so grateful. In fact, this woman I spoke of Even though we ended our relationship in june of 2017 and my mother passed away in november of 2017 She was there at the hospital spending time with my mom That's because we had a friendship and we didn't get hung up in the egoic Bullshit that happens after a breakup. We said it's okay that we ended the relationship And it's okay to maintain that loving Connection with one another it doesn't mean we have to talk on the phone every day with one another But certainly be there for one another and I am blessed that she's in my life So anyway, that's my two cents on that Maya. Thank you so much for that question All right, thank you for that question All right, let's go swimming Hey, I'm going to take a break for a second. I do have a vent to share with you all I'm gonna be candid with you. It is I've been a little bit Saddened of late And I've been under a tremendous amount of stress and pressure And it saddens me what's happening in the world right now the divide amongst people especially here in the united states And it saddens me. It's us against them blue against red You know all the different shades of of hatred going on out there And it saddens me because that's now how love would respond. That's not what love would do And so my hope is to be a channel of it of maybe shifting your perspective But also shifting to what love would do So I want to share with you something that happened this morning And I want to read this to you all I got a message on one of my videos that said Give me a second because this is going to be painful. It said memo to jonathan It's not sexy to keep whining about losing your son If after you've already stated it not only is it a turnoff it sends a message your You have no room in your heart and space for a relationship wake up, dude Do you know if you wonder why the dating process is dysfunctional if you wonder why There's so much angst in the world It's because human beings aren't operating from a place of what would love do and how would love respond And when I read that of course I got triggered and of course I got angry And then I thought to myself hurt people hurt others Hurt people hurt others And sadly there are a lot of hurting people out there and they are hurting other people This is why I'm such a big proponent of learning how to ask better questions So you can avoid spending time with the wrong person and start spending time with people who are genuinely going to enrich your life This is why I recommend so many of these books out here And I want to encourage you all to operate from a place of love That's just my invitation and just like this person who wanted to attack me I still send her love because that's a hurt person Her life is way more messed up than mine and I'm grateful that I'm in a place to be able to send love Instead of and again, I judged in the moment and I got angry in the moment And then I shifted to love and that's my invitation for everyone if you want to shift to love Can you give me an amen? Can you write an amen for me to let me know you're going to operate from a place of love going forward? Thank you so much Ah all right And by the way, uh Janet says sharing the loss is important for the healing exactly Um Jennifer Janet says amen Jackie says amen. Michelle says amen Megan says amen Hazel there Uh robin says amen. So thank you so much. I really appreciate it. All right. Let's go scrolling all right Sherry says I'm sorry that someone would feel that way and we should chastise you for grieving your son That is hurt person for sure. Thank you so much. I agree All right, let me go through some of our questions Power of chi writes Jonathan What do you do if you're dating a man? That's red pill and doesn't believe in being friends with a woman that he's dating You know, I don't know enough about the red pill community to answer that I'm just here to say is I'm a big proponent of human beings coming at the process from a place of love And sadly many people are coming from a place of Woundedness and from what I understand whether it's blue pill red pill or whatever There's some woundedness going on and so we have a choice. We can be compassionate or we can judge But I don't know enough to answer that for you. So thank you so much Um, all right Let's see. All right, if you have a question, let me scroll here Ah Bump bump bump All right, let's go swim in. Do you have a question post the word question? Oh, here we go from kimberley question But not I lost my son as well as you know and those horrible people who do not stand by us or not people We share life with our love Listen, I understand that and yet I can also still come from a place of compassion folks. Listen I've had this isn't the first time I've had a message like that about my son In fact, I've had someone even to say that I use my son as a way to gain sympathy I use my son as a manipulation tool folks Nobody no parent Wants to lose a child and then go. Oh, let me use that as a manipulation tool I share about my son as a way to keep him in live in my heart I share about him because he was the impetus To writing the book what the heck is self love anyway? By the way dedicated to connor Dedicated to him right there. He was the catalyst to help me ship From understanding that the bullshit egoic way of dating no longer serves human beings And I'm here to invite everybody to lean into a more compassionate way to get to know one another Because what sorely let ladies Listen, I know it's a shit show out there. I know it's a clusterfuck out there The reality is is people are thirsty for connection And yet they're not necessarily capable of a relationship if they don't have good communication skills It makes them very weak to be in relationship And this is why I continually recommend the book non-violent communication by marshal rozenberg This book teaches you how to communicate in a healthier happier way And if folks would start communicating in this way We would start seeing a big shift in the dating narrative. This is why there's another book To really change your heart. I this is the cd version, but I highly recommend Marianne williamson's book return to love return to love This this book helped me connect with my heart And I invite you all to connect with your heart and my bible of all books Is the untethered soul by michael singer the untethered soul by michael singer folks The reason why I continually recommend book after book after book after book after book after book after book after book after book Because I can't give you listen. I know a lot of my contemporaries say join my four-week program So you can learn magnetic attraction. Well, that's great Attraction is about what's about this much of the product never do this to a guy by the way ladies Attraction is about this much of it Compatibility is this much about it emotional maturity is about this much about it shared values is That's poor english on my part shared values blendable lifestyles emotional maturity compatibility It's this much of the equation Attraction is only this much we need attraction If you want to go deeper then you're gonna have to make friends with one another and you You all do such a terrible job at this because you're expecting men to lead the process and the men are fucking clueless So stop expecting men to know this stuff. You're the ones who watch this channel. You're reading this book Show this to the guy you're dating purchase two copies of the book eight dates before the penis goes inside the vagina And read it together Okay, I'm yelling I'm yelling because like a child that's about to touch fire. I'm yelling so you can stop Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results and look. I'm your big brother I wish I was there on a first date with the shotgun pointed to the guy's head and say what's your intentions Folks, you're gonna have to do that for yourself compassion for yourself Compassion for him ask better questions. Don't invest time with people who aren't ready for a relationship Invest time with that 20% that's emotionally mature. And if you need help with that Schedule a call with me. That's my area of expertise all right Let's take a few more questions before we wrap up today um Jerry says How do I get them to stop chasing me? No doesn't work telling them. I'm not interested doesn't work either Well, unless they're physically in your life and block them on your phone You're not you don't have to stop them You could just stop being engaged with them by simply blocking because the reality is is no one's showing up at your doorstep chasing you They're just and they might be on your social media. So block them on social media and block their phone It's rather simple. That's it. That's what I would do Jerry All right. Thanks so much Kelly says My condolences to everyone who lost someone we all need and deserve love forever. Can I get an amen? Well said Kelly Violetta says question Do you have any experience in your life or practice where your dates? Scammed you on social scammed you on social media because you didn't show up on the date for personal reasons and didn't have access to call um Oh, I'm assuming you mean slammed you on social media. Yeah, I've kind of had a situation like that. Listen There are haters out. There are people out there very angry and they'll do Retaliatory things you just have to remember your listen. We can't control other people We can only manage how we interpret what happens just like that woman Who wrote the nasty letter about my son who passed away or the comment? I have a choice I chose to to get angry for a second and then I shifted to love and that's my invitation for you all Um, but any my I don't know what to do in that situation other than to block them And I block people all the time if I think they are unhinged And believe me a lot of women can be absolutely unhinged I'll block them just to protect myself from any Nasty rhetoric out there So that's my invitation. So thank you so much for that question All right All right scooby scooby do Where are you? All right Candace says questions so follow up to my last question. I checked in with him and told Me and he told me he was been very busy stress with work So I told him I'm here, but he does keep texting every day. Do I match his investment? You know what I mean my canvas first off are you in a relationship together? Are you guys fucking each other on a regular basis? Do you do social activities hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills? Intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy. What is this relationship all about? folks It's natural in the beginning to bolt when you have stress in your life If couples aren't developing the deep roots to trust early on the deep roots of trust emotional connection Economic agreement social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends of intimacy If the deep roots of trust aren't being built. It doesn't matter what game you play You know, and when I say game you play, you know, he texts you every couple days and this and that Why aren't you building a co-creative relationship together? That's my invitation for everyone to co-create a relationship together And if you don't know how Check out the book spiritual partnership by gary zuccoff. This will help you understand How to co-create a relationship together instead of this narrative. How's your day going? Is your day going good? I hope your day is going good. Hey, I hope you had a good day. By the way, did you have a good day? I've been thinking about you. Hope you had a good day Folks, most of you are talking at a surface level at a surface level in your relationship There's a meme I like that I want to share with you all y'all Um, and that meme is this That's right there. I'm gonna read it to you I hate small talk. I want to talk about atoms death alien sex magic intellect The meaning of life far away galaxies music that makes You feel different memories the lies you've told flaws your favorite scent your childhood What keeps you up at night your insecurity and fears? I like people with depth who speak with a twist with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't want to know what's up Folks, most of you are in surface relationship Having surface conversation if you want to go deeper then read this book together Because when you do it together if you guys are meant to be you're going to build a strong bond together By becoming intimate with one another and if you haven't read the book oral sex and by the way I think it's out of print at the moment. So there's similar books like this talking and listening your way to passionate intimacy Intimacy intimacy into me you see You have to learn how to develop intimacy with one another instead of just you know what let's just take it slow Let's just have fun. You know, let's just have fun. Let's focus on having fun. It's all about having fun Let's just have fun. Let's not be serious. Let's just have fun Folks all the fun in the world isn't going to create an awesome relationship until you start developing that Intimate relationship with one another and I'm going off on a tangent canvas, but that's how I feel about this subject So I think you get the gist of where I'm going All right You know folks I my neck is feeling a little sore. So I think this will be a good place to wrap up today Again, I just want to remind you it's not about a man chasing you It's about two people investing in one another and the best way to invest in one another Is to develop the core friendship through social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends That's the best way to develop the friendship because that's what makes people want more and more Versus less and less when you can actually be vulnerable authentic and transparent with one another from a heart-centered space And that's my invitation for y'all y'all All right, I think this will be a good place to wrap up today. I hope you found value Please tell your friends. Oh, I forgot to share with you my mug today is love yourself love yourself Hmm And I just want you all again if you found value check out the links in the description of this video To schedule a discovery call with me to purchase my book about my podcast my group Midlife love mastery if you want to have direct access to me on a regular basis check out that link And please share this video with your friends Okay, I'm going to wrap up today as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic job the barrack of self love Um, I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank deedy and jennifer and robin and sherry and kandace and kelly And deedy and f l and heidi and jennifer and power of chi and beth and f l And todd way to seek way to go todd. I want to thank you all for being here today Have a wonderful weekend. Be well. Take care now