 The Irene Dunn Fred McMurray Show, starring Irene Dunn as Susan, and Fred McMurray as George. Together in a gay new exciting comedy adventure, Bright Star. It's the Irene Dunn Fred McMurray Show, starring Irene Dunn as Susan Armstrong, editor of the Hillsdale Morning Star, and Fred McMurray as George Harvey, her ace reporter. Susan is holding down the office today with Sammy, the demon copy boy, while George is out somewhere probably getting involved. Whenever George gets involved enough, Susan develops a severe case of tinnitus, or ringing in the ears. That gives you an idea of how close these two characters are. Berman Control, may we help you? I'm being so silly, Sammy. Lock and Spear Berman Control, may we... Oh! Hillsdale Morning Star, Miss Armstrong speaking. Hi, Susan. For a minute, I thought I was bugs. Oh, hello George. Where are you? I'm in court. Again? Look, I want you to tell Sergeant Barry here that you stand good for a ten dollar fine. I'm broke. Ten dollar fine? Fine. What for? Well, it appears that dancing on the sidewalk is prohibited in downtown Hillsdale. What were you doing dancing on the sidewalk? Huh? Have you gotten involved with a dancing girl now? No, no, look. Zoli didn't know there was an ordinance against it, so... Who is Zoli? That woman? He's her grandfather. Did he drag you into court? George, what on earth have you done? Now, if that scheming dancing girl... Look, Susan, wait a minute. A slick figure and a flashing eye and you're dead, it never fails. Susan, this dancing girl happens to be nine years old. She's a little gypsy girl. Nine years old? Gypsy girl? I hear they grow up very rapidly. Yes, how about that? How about what? Oh, the fine. About dancing in the street and collecting dimes. Ten dollars, please. Well, why do I have to pay the fine? Because he's broke. Come be a doll and tell the sergeant here you foot Zoli's fine. Like I told you, I'm broke, too. But George! So, here is smiling Sergeant Barry. Now, just tell Dreamboat Barry that you'll bail Zoli out. And here he is, your friendly cop, smiling Sergeant Barry. Hello, Sergeant. This is Susan Armstrong. Dignified personal financing. A perfect stranger, name of Zoli. Well, this is what the inside of a gypsy wagon is like, huh? Shh, Mr. Harvey, the girl sleeps. Oh, I'm sorry. Let me put her in her bed. Then we will talk. Good night, Kislani. Now, please sit down, Mr. Harvey. Thanks. What's that? No, it is nothing. Only sari, my parrot. Oh, parrot, huh? Well, does he talk much? Not very much, but very wise. Oh, well, Zoli, you just mail Miss Armstrong the $10 any time you've got it. There's no hurry. I'll get along now, Zoli. Mr. Harvey, I am a poor man. Well, that makes two of us. I need money very badly, not for myself, for the little girl, for my grandchild. She dances, she sings, because it keeps her happy. But how long? She needs care that I cannot afford. Oh. Well, maybe we can do something about that. Ah, but no more kindness. This time, I give you value for your money. Well, gratitude is value enough, Zoli. I will sell you sari. Sell me that squat box up there? That parrot may make some man rich someday. Yeah, but who wants to marry a parrot, even for her money? Sari was old even 40 years ago when my wife's father gave her to me as dowry. Some wedding gift, another mouth to feed. Sari has the secret of some great treasure. Treasure? Sorry? Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Years ago when my wife's father gave me the bird. That he did. He said one day this parrot will reveal his golden secret. He will remember again and you will be rich. Oh, you don't believe in that old wives' tale, do you? Oh, I do. How much do you want for the bird? Make an offer. Well, six dollars. Six dollars. Too much? I was thinking of perhaps one thousand dollars. One thousand? Well, we'll talk about it some other time. Yes, I work now at the Turnpike Roadside Diamonds. Yeah, I might stop in. Good night, Zoli. Good night. Until we meet again, sorry. Hello. And that's all Zoli wanted for the bird? A mere thousand dollars? Well, I suppose you could get him for five hundred dollars a pound. Interesting, though, about the parrots having the secret words to some mysterious treasure. Interesting if true. Yes, a very big if. We don't believe it, but Zoli does. Sincerely. Zoli didn't say what the treasure might be. He doesn't know himself. In all the forty years he's owned that pile that hasn't discussed finances with him. Is it a pretty Polly? Why, yes. Oh, I don't know. I've always wanted a parrot, haven't you? Well, I've always wanted the treasure. You suppose sorry just might have heard some cutthroat talking about pirate gold or something and just might, remember? Well, the whole thing's silly. Oh, I don't know. Priceless trinkets and pigeon egg rubies. Who said anything about jewels and rubies? It's a yarn. Catch me twisting a parrot's arm just for a measly king's ransom. Still bad he wants so much money for it, though. Yeah, yeah. Oh, but he'll make an interesting story just the same. Hmm. He could have a lot of fun with that bird. George, tell me where Zoli works. I just might want to interview this parrot. For a gag, of course. Just for a gag. Interview a parrot, Miss Susan? Will you pass the marmalade, please, patient? Thank you. What can you ask a parrot? You ask them, do they want a cracker? And that's about it. Well, this bird is rather special. I know. It's got blueprints stashed away in its bird brain showing where the pluck wear its head. Kind of a fascinating story. You don't believe it, do you? Well, they laughed at Alexander Graham Bell, but today the air is full of flying machines. Patience. Bell invented the telephone. Congratulations. The Wright brothers invented the airplane. Sure. But they had to talk to each other by phone. Many is the time while they were inventing it. You want to bet? You win. Get back to this year parrot now. Listen, patients, I don't believe a word of the legend. But I just happen to admire parrots and George says this one's a beauty and speaks pretty well, too. Fine feathers make fine words. You know, George has a sneaky belief in this story. I'd like to buy Sarri for him, but not for any thousand dollars. Hand me that telephone, will you please? Well, the bird won't go entirely to waste with me around. There. You know, I'll bet I could do things with a parrot so you'd never know it from Boyle Dahl. George said Zoli works at the Turnpike Roadside Dialogue. Hello? Information, please. Will you give me the number? Good morning, Zoli. Good morning. Mr. Harvey, good morning. Nice to see you. Big hello. Sit down on stool. Thanks. You busy? Too late for breakfast, too early for lunch, nothing. Zoli, you haven't sold that parrot yet, have you? No. Well, I was just thinking I'd like to buy it for a good friend. Oh, but not for six dollars. Well, how about fifty dollars? For such a fine, well-spoken parrot. Well, frankly, her conversation chills me. Three hundred dollars. Your conversation chills me. Two hundred and fifty dollars. It may make you rich. Well, that's not why I'm buying the swab. Anyhow, the bird must have given out with the magic words in your father-in-law's time. Why didn't he cash in on it? He was a very wise man, rest his soul. He never cherished the material things of the world, very wise. Boy, I must be stupid because I love the material things, especially money. All right. Two hundred and twenty-five dollars. Fifty-two fifty. Two hundred and ten, including the perch. Fifty-five dollars tops. Rock bottom, two hundred and five dollars. Fifty-eight fifty. That's final. Two hundred and I do not budge one inch. Sixty bucks, last call, take it or leave it. Excuse me. Turnpike roadside diner. I'd like to speak to Zoli, please. This is Zoli. Oh, I understand you have a parent for sale. Yes. Well, I'm thinking of buying it as a gift for a friend. But I can't pay too much. Well, I have an offer for sixty dollars. What's that? What's that? Well, I'll give you sixty-five. Excuse me. I am offered sixty-five for the bird. Seventy. The gentleman now offers seventy. Well, seventy-five. Excuse me. I have seventy-five. You have eighty-five. I have eighty-five from the gentleman. Well, quick death at one hundred dollars. I have one hundred dollars. And ten. And ten. And fifteen more. I have one hundred and twenty-five. Just a minute. How do I know you don't have a shill on the phone there bidding up the price on me? How could I know you would be back just at this moment to bid for sorry? Well, you got me there. All right. Wrap it up at one fifty. One parrot to go. The gentleman bids one fifty. The gentleman bleeds, too. Oh, dear. Well, one seventy-five. One seventy-five. One ninety. One ninety, I have. Well, one ninety-five. One ninety-five. I wouldn't pay that for a bird a paradise if paradise came with them. One ninety-five going once. Call that Joe for a parrot. One ninety-five going twice. I always thought talk was cheap. One ninety-five going... Two hundred dollars. My life's blood. The gentleman bids two hundred dollars. Well, he's crazy. He must be crazy. All right, I give up. Tell the gentleman he can have the bird, and I hope they'll be very happy together. Good-bye. Afternoon, star reporter. Oh, hi, Susan. Hey, Susan, did the cage or anything arrive by special messenger? So it was you? Who was me? What are we talking about? Where did you get two hundred dollars for that parrot? It skinned me to the bone, but I had it in the back. Oh, there you are. Didn't want to carry her through the streets. How do you know how much I paid for sorry? You were bidding against me. You mean you were on the telephone this morning? Who else? Oh, no. Yum, there is your purchase. Go talk to your feathered friend. Hi, Polly. Well, go on, talk. This would be a nice time to find out that your friend Zoli is a crack ventriloquist and sells more darn parrots that way. Look, parrot, I never choked a parrot, but I could learn to choke a parrot. Now talk. I never even threatened a jabberwock. The next line is come to my arms, my beamish boy, or in other words, hello, sucker. Hello, sucker. Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir. Yes. Now back to our stars Irene Dunn and Fred McMurray in the second act of our story. For the past two days, sorry the parrot with a past has been quartered in Susan's office. While Susan and George, feeling extremely idiotic, have been trying to get the bird to talk about the treasure. Here they are at it again, just on the outside chance that maybe the critter does know something that will help George recover the money he sunk in her. How sorry? Please, think hard. Concentrate. Look you, who done it? Sammy, you're confusing her. She'll sing. How about turning a blazing light in her face? George, we're not going to grill this bird. Why, we better send out for sandwiches, then. No, we must use psychological approach. Psychological approach. Rigging pirate ships. Look, look Bertie. Ship. Cutlasses. Pistons. Knight. A chest being lowered into a captain's longboat. Tropical island. Dig, dig, dig. Got a match? A blank. Hello, hello, hello, hello, yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Hey listen, what did you say? Able was I or I saw Elba. Who was Elba? Elba's the island where Napoleon was exiled. Hey, that's it. Napoleon. The loot of Europe. Able was I. Say it backwards. Say it backwards. Yes, sir, yes, sir. How do you say Able was I or I saw Elba backwards? Able was I or I saw Elba. Yeah. So what? Say it backwards. Able was I or I saw Elba. Yeah, yeah, I know. Say it backwards. Able was I or I saw Elba. It's just the same both ways. Elba, E-L-B-A, spell backwards is Able. A-B-L-E. And saw, spelled backwards is Y. I get it. Yes, it's a paladrome. I must say this word, Bert, knows a few tricks. Bertie, was the pirate Lafite? Lafite, sorry. Was it Morgan? Was it? Was it? Was it Captain Kid? We're just making perfect fools of ourselves. Heelsdale Morningstar, Miss Armstrong. Oh, not yet, Patience. We really don't expect anything. Just a lark. Well, it's a kind of a mixed-up situation. What have you got fixed up, Patience? A lovely roast. Psychiatrist. Patience. Patience. Oh, dear. Now what? Patience thinks we need psychiatric treatment, George. You know something, Susan? So do I. Of course, we never really believed the bird knew about a treasure. That's for you maybe making your big mistake. We don't need a psychiatrist. Call him off now. Go on, scat. You don't need a psychiatrist? No. Who said this doc was for you? He's for the parrot. What? He'll make that bird remember from way back. Patience. Does this doctor know he's coming out here to analyze the parrot? A fee is a fee, I always say. You mean he doesn't know? Oh, I didn't talk to him. It was a friend of a friend of a friend, you know. I believe I'll pack up and depart for the North Pole. Now wait a minute. I will not stay here and tell that man the awful truth. Now just a minute, just a second. What about the great experiments made by Pavlov on dogs? Yeah. And what about the psychological experiments made on white rats and on labyrinths? Yeah. This is going to cost us a big fee whether this doctor performs or not. He may welcome an opportunity like this for unique animal experimentation. The saddest thing I ever heard of. Now I simply won't. Oh, that's him. Well, what's his name again? I hardly know. I wrote it on that paper I gave you. Oh, Dr. Gleibnacht. Dr. Gleibnacht. Please show Dr. Gleibnacht in patience. That scimpy little buzzard is going to tell where that treasure is or he'll cry. And I'm not just kidding. Susan, you'd better let me tell the doctor about the patient. Well, it's all yours, George. The winter sports must be lovely at the pole right now. Thank you. Oh, Dr. Gleibnacht, so good of you to come. I'm Susan Armstrong. My dear Miss Armstrong. And this is Mr. George Harvey. It's his own fault. Sit down, won't you, Dr. Gleibnacht? What was that? There is something Freudian about that invitation. Oh, no, no, no. I'm just asking you to sit down. That's all. We shall let it pass for the moment. We are very grateful to you for making this house call, doctor. We think you'll be amply rewarded. I know I will be amply rewarded. Yes. It's a very interesting case, Dr. Gleibnacht. Get on with it. Well, you see, the patient is a very old individual. Oh, extremely old, Dr. Gleibnacht. But very lively, very alert and colorful. Rather grotesque and bizarre-looking. But she seems to think she possesses the clue to a vast secret treasure. Treasure? Hmm. Fou. Fou? Freight sighting. Why? My dear Gerhard. Harvey. Sorry. My dear Gerhard, I would no more consider trifling with such boys' everyday nonsense as a delusion of very treasure than I would consider analyzing that parent there. Oh. Oh. I am not a human divining rod. I am a psychiatrist who does not interest himself in the common garden variety case. Hence I say treacher, fou. I resign the case forthwith. Oh. Well, I'm very sorry, doctor. No charge, I suppose. No charge. Only my portal to portal time. $50. $50? Yes, we're coming here and going back. You didn't even get out a second gear. You are lucky. What the charge might have been if you had crossed upon me some orophiliac psychotic who thinks she knows where pirate gold is hidden. It would have been necessary to find this fantastic treasure merely to repay me for the indignity of the situation. Oh, dear. What's so funny, doctor? Who do you think you're snickering at? Patience. You're being very rude to the doctor. I heard this year brain diver sneerin' at you, too. I can't show him where the door is soon enough. The doctor glibnicked. Nobody needs gold that bad. Doctor, I'm terribly embarrassed. No need, no need. I'm interested. You were gonna go, so go. Patience. I don't have any with glibnick here. Glibnicked. People have trouble with my name, too, doctor. Patience. Perhaps you and I might have a nice chat. Me and you and you and me? Doctor, I don't think you understand. Indeed, I do, Miss Armstrong. Indeed you do, Susan. Come on, come on, come on. Let's leave them alone a bit. But George... Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. But he seems to think that Patience... Seems to think? He does think. Great thinker, the professor. Amazing mind. If you think for a second that I'll put here to go and look for you glibnick in the right knee. George, the doctor thinks that Patience is the extremely aged, grotesque desire patient we've been talking about. Yeah, I know, I know. Well, then you... Well, didn't you hear him? We expected him to probe into a parrot subconscious. I'll have to borrow on my insurance. Well, what do we do? We wait here. Something's bound to give. Yes, sir. Somebody's having a breakdown. Come on. Patience! What on earth happened? That was Dr. Clunkide leaving on the double. Hey, who broke this lamp? And who upset Sarri's purse? Yeah. Hey, where is Sarri? She woke up screaming and followed Clunkide out. No! Oh, I gotta find that expensive duster. Sorry. Here, Polly. Here, birdie. Oh! That duck thought I was a parrot. Oh, no, Patience. Now, you don't understand. Ancient grotesque bizarre. Oh, I'll knock him in the head. The guy is a fake. He needs a real psychiatrist. Well, George? Oh, it's no use. Not a sign of Sarri in two days. Gypsy camp gone, huh? Yeah, Zoli and his little girl have pulled out. Oh, well. Come easy, go easy. 200 smackers? That comes easy? Well, it was my fault. I thought you wanted the parrot. That's why I bid on it. Yeah, and I got the parrot for you. Well, we've got it for each other, okay? I thought I was getting you a gift that would last and last. And to the steenth generation? What? Oh, nothing, nothing. Well, you suggested a psychiatrist in the best of faith. Oh, I suggested a psychiatrist. Well, you distinctly said use the psychological approach. Well, I never suggested an analyst. Patience hauled in that phone. Well, but you agreed to it. You named other famous experiments on dogs and chipmunks and albatrosses or albatrosses and everything. Don't you dare stand there blaming me for it now. I am just saying... I'm glad the bird's gone. You don't deserve a family. Mr. Armstrong. Mr. Harvey. Please, Abby, can't you see we're quarreling? This is a fellow out here to see you. What? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Sorry. Zoli. It's good to see you again, Mr. Harvey. Well, boy, it's good to see you. Susan and Zoli. Zoli and Susan. Oh, how do you do, Mr. Zoli? How did you find Zoli? Oh, she found me. A long way she flies. Her wings are not clipped. I bring her back. She must have been crossed with a homing pigeon. How's your little girl, Zoli? She will be much better thanks to you. Thanks to the $200 for this bird. Does she miss the parrot, Zoli? Does she? She does, doesn't she? The bird is yours now. Goodbye. Health and happiness be with you. Thank you, George. Could the treasure be a child brought back to health? Could it? Well, I don't know. Maybe the gold is the golden rule. You wonder what there's, huh? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You wonder what... We know there isn't any treasure now, don't we? Except maybe wisdom and the golden rule. Anyhow, let's think that. You don't want to get too near that window, sorry. What do you bet? Go back, sorry, to Zoli and his little girl. Go on, fly. Well, heading straight for Zoli's shoulder. Look, Zoli's waving to us. He understands. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks, Zoli. Thank you and goodbye. Thanks for making us rich. Oh, well, come easy, go easy. George. Our two stars, Irene Dunn, and Fred McMurray, will be back with us in just a moment. Oh, you're a funny one, Susan. No, I'm a barrel of life. What makes you think the way you do it? Why? Well, about the meaning of the treasure, for example, how do you understand those things? Well, I'm a woman. Well, this I could have told you. Well? Well, what? Tell me. Oh, yeah. Well. You were told? Well, as the professor, as the parrot would say. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Irene Dunn and Fred McMurray will be back next week in another exciting comedy adventure in the Gain You series, Bright Star. This is Wendell Niles inviting you to join us then.