 Check the door means to listen at it, not to put several rounds through it. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded, I will not look knowingly at the paladin, natrunner, or hermetic. No matter how many people I need to feed, I will not use MDC weapons to fish. My rigor does not get a bonus if his login code is up-down-up-down-left-right-left-right-abab-start. No subcontracting dungeon crawls. I will not name my character for the Power of Gaming campaign generic Cleapath Fighter No. 7. The first rule of Finnegan School is not, do not talk about Finnegan School. I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze. If I have to sacrifice my fifth diet and resources to afford it, I can't have that gun. I will not cast Darkness at the magic missile. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can't kill him. It is bad for him to shoot a god while he's monologuing. I will not try to skip to the main boss dress like a singing telegram. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever close to me. If my stats are Strength 10, Dexterity 10, Constitution 8, Intelligence 16, Wisdom 17, Charisma 15, I'd better not be the half-orc barbarian. My archmage will not join a party running keep on the borderlands of the ringer. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm. The solution to all my problems is not Krenos. Steel-toed boots do not add to my AC. Spankings generally will not change evil alignments. For the king and the example of a good battle cry, Smoke the mother is not. I will not convince the GM's new girlfriend to play a psychotic combat monster. My Emerald status does not affect in any way my fear checks. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. I cannot liven up the adventure with snapping musical numbers, even if they did it on the TV show. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill. 30 minutes after a massive battle against Cathayans, I am not bloodthirsty again. I cannot do anything I saw Jackie Chan do once, even if I'm in Home Depot at the moment. I will never create a plan that first hinges on the invention of Belcro. If the character is in depth, his only language cannot be Amslan. Spray paint is not a substitute for proper camouflage. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words and hope they miss a lot. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my Starfighter. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the Powergamer. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character named Stumpy McLauncher. No bribing the DM's new girlfriend with chocolate so he'll go easy on us. Even if my cleric has the domains of wealth and healing, doesn't give me the right to start an HMO. From now on, my Highlander will refrain from dancing the can-can. The ability to afflict everyone 150 feet with herpes and unacceptable superpower. I will not start the game with a toddler just to rack up massive stat bonuses as I age. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best feature of automatic weapons and manual transmissions. There is an upper limit on the number of people a bullet will go through. When told to be subtle, playing a foul-mounted chain-smoking squirrel is not a good choice. Zombies are not infectious in D&D, so as to stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten. Whether it's fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps. I will not admonish my fellow Paladin with a little less lawful with a little more good. Ninjas are not ablative. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him four times in one round. I will not attempt to unionize the Brutes. I will not switch to an entirely new class every single time of level. When told to distract the villainous, it didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters. I will not redefine the term trapdoor, though sticking a vampire with anything larger than his chest cavity. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems. I cannot put my familiar up for stud. I did not invent the wet-tabbert contest. When I'm in the mood is not a valid trigger for a contingency spell. The vampire clan with Visitude is not pronounced Carl. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer from Lawful Good. Tasha's uncontrollably hideous sister is not a real spell. This watch is not for accordion practice. Even if it is hip to be square, I still can't play a modron. Second watch is not for starting up pick-up rugby games with Wonder and Monsters. After a successful black ops, I will not leave paint bombs under all the boardroom seat cushions. Third watch is not closing optional. There is no accidentally slipping a smite evil into a pillow fight. If the party wakes up to find a chariot upside down a fountain, I better not be the prime, usual, or only suspect. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will not immediately point them to the Halflings room. Sarcasm is wasted on Imperial Stormtroopers. I am not fluent in any dialect of gibberish. When my cleric is told to buff the elf, I know exactly what it means and may not misconstrue it anyway. No matter the CR of the monsters, no naked pooky dances upon victory. Black and Decker does not make prosthetics. Can't trick the rest of the party into babysitting my kids. The alignment of two-year-olds is not automatically neutral evil. I cannot spay the Vagra. Castilians do not always end their sentences with the words, Ariba. As a matter of fact, Dwarven Battleguard in no way resembles Angus Young's stage costume. I will not address Fauner posing with Jowlmine leaving off. I am forbidden from doing anything that ends with a snarf, rim shot, or spit take. No uploading porn to my CO's HUD. No downloading porn from my CO's HUD. If the word mullet appears anywhere in my Samurai's character sheet, he's vetoed. My Mossad's agent's battle cry is not Torah Torah Torah. No matter how tough the encounter was, I will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum. Halfling mating rituals do not include beer can crushing, power belching, or Leonard skinner trivia. If I have to pull out of the dungeon because I'm low in hit points, no filing workmen's comp. No making up any strange hobbies just to get out of taking watch. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle is unusual. Quoting Bob Newhart is right out. Quoting Bob Dylan is just silly. If my faith is forward, your faith is too. That doesn't mean Jesus loves me twice as much. Beer Boy is non-acceptable hireling for the dungeon crawl. I will not base any media character off Milo Bloom. I will not use a time machine to invade Germany on September 2, 1939 by surprise, securing Dutch domination of Europe. No supplying my own canned applause. While bardic music can increase skill rolls, bad jazz adds nothing to seduction rolls. If someone in a party has a wisdom or intelligence lower than eight, I am forbidden from talking to them. A firefighter is not the best time to tell a party my medtech has a fear of blood. No inventing the minefield. My superhero will not spend points to fly just because he's too lazy to walk.