 on a horse to Venice, but owing, I presume, to an unusually wet season, the Swedes are in such a condition that the quest green exercise is impractical. No matter, where's our sweet? Your grace! This is great. My love, it is so small a matter. Still, you may as well do it. I love the respect due from a meal to a portion of chalice with his plebeian peasant. He does not appreciate that position until he does. Let us hope your mission was not intended as a slight. I should be much hurt if I thought it was. So would he. Where are the Halberdeers who were to have had the honour of meeting us here that our visit to the Grand Inquisitor might be made in Becoming State? Your grace! Your grace! The Halberdeers are mercenary people who circulated for a trifle on account. How tiresome! Well, let us hope the Grand Inquisitor is a blind gentleman and that the band were to have had the honour of escorting us. I see no band. Your grace, the band are sergeant persons who require to be paid in advance. Super Bowl difficulties meet me at every turn. Surely they know his grits. Exactly. You know his grits. The Grand Inquisitor is a deaf gentleman. A Cornetta Pistone would be something. You do not happen to possess the accomplishment of tuteling like a Cornetta Pistone. Alas, no, your grace. Okay, the farm yard. Well, let us not see how we could bring it in. We are not upon market. Don't! Be so grits to bring the ball and inform the Grand Inquisitor. That is grace. Duke of Plaza Toro, Count Matador and Sweet have arrived at Venice and seek... Desire! ...and demand an audience. Your grace has but to command. I felt sure of it. I felt sure of it. And now my love. And now my love, prepare for a magnificent surprise. It is my agreeable duty to reveal to you a secret that should make you the happiest young lady in Venice. A secret? Twenty years. When you were a prattling babe of six months old, you were married by proxy to no less a person than the infant son and heir of this majesty, the immeasurably wealthy king of Barataria. Consider his extreme youth, and forgive him, shortly after the ceremony that misguided monarch abandoned the creed of his forefathers and became a Wesleyan Methodist of the most... The grand inquisitor determined that the innovation should not be perpetuated in Barataria, caused your smiling and unconscious husband to be stolen and conveyed to Venice. A fortnight since, the Methodist monarch and all his Wesleyan court were killed in an insurrection, and we are here to ascertain the whereabouts of your husband and to hail you, our daughter and her majesty, the reigning queen of Barataria. Your Majesty! Such moments as these, that one feels how necessary it is to travel with a full band. Not escape to me, although I am unhappily in straightened circumstances at present, my social influence is something enormous, and the company, to be called the Duke of Closetoro, Limited, is in force a formation to order me. An influential directorate has been secured and I shall myself join the board after allotment. Liquidation. Liquidation is not except from that drawback. If your father's force be necessary to wind him up. But it's so degrading. A grandeur of Spain turned into a public company. Such a thing was never heard of. My child, the Duke of Closetoro does not follow fashions. He leads them. He always leads everybody. When he was in the army, he let his regiment. He occasionally let them into action. He invariably let them out of it. But when there was any fighting, he let his regiment far behind. He found it sass-exciting. But when space was at the forum, he lay concealed throughout the war and so persignation in the first of allotment. As we may revel in this, love me. But you do not say you did not love me. I loved you with a friend. Exactly. That isn't your ten minutes since my own, my lately loved, my recently adored. Tell me that up until, say, a quarter of an hour, when I ought thee. This cannot be taken to act. Retrospective. I recollect many. But we must not repeat them. Then let us recollect a few. Isn't she distinctly dark and tender? You must make some allowance. Her Majesty's head is a little turned by her access of dignity. I could have wished that Majesty's access of dignity had turned it in this direction. Unfortunate. Why not mistaken? There appears to be some little doubt as to what His Majesty is aware of. A doubt as to his whereabouts? Then we may yet be saved. A doubt? Oh, dear, no. No doubt at all. I'm a modest but picturesque calling of a gondolier. I can give you his address. I see him every day in the entire annals of our history. There is absolutely no circumstance so entirely free from all manner of doubt of any kind, whatever. Listen, I'll tell you all about it. Predictable gondolier who promised the royal babe ever the mind sincere, which of the two was its offspring near, and which the royals was rich and which he would never make out despite his best own doubt. A bandit, yet I saw that infant on his humble beard I dropped a gra... Predictable gondolier will soon be here. She can no doubt establish the king's identity beyond all question. Heavens, how did he know that? My own friend, I follow her on Instagram. Highly respectable and all established, he carries on an extensive practice in the mountains around Essex Junction. Probably by two of my emissaries he will set out at once for her address. She will return with them and if she finds any difficulty in making up her mind the persuasive influence of the torture chamber will jog her memory. Nothing in your life... How old may you all be? He's a brute! You mean to say you're married? Oh yes, we are married. What? Extremely old. You can't ignore lies like you can do. You mustn't tell me you're mad. I don't think you know who I am. But we indeed. We are jolly gondoliers. A tisto pavieri who led the last revolution. Republicans heart and soul. We hold all men to be equal as we abhor oppression, we abhor kings, as we detest men in glory, we detest rank, as we despise indecisiveness, we despise wealth. We are Venetian gondoliers. Your evils in everything except our calling and in that at once your masters and your sins. Bravo! Your son for anything I know to the contrary. But the other is no less a personate than the only son of the late King of Barataria. What? I trust it was that one who slapped me on the shoulder and called me his man. What does it matter? My brothers? But which is it? What does it matter? As you are both Republicans and hold kings in detestation, you of course abdicate at once. Good morning. As to that of course there are kings and kings. When I say that I detest kings I mean I detest bad kings. See, it's a delicate distinction. Quite so. I can conceive of a kind of king an ideal king, the creature of my fancy, you know, who is absolutely unobjectionable. A king for instance who would abolish taxes and make everything cheap except gondolas. And gain a great many free entertainments to the gondoliers. And level of fireworks on the Grand Canal and engage all the gondolas for the occasion. And scramble money on the riata among the gondoliers. Such a king would be a blessing to his people. And if I were king that is the sort of king I would be. So would I. Come. I'm glad to see your objections are not insuperable. Oh, they're not insuperable. Besides, they're open to convictions. They're open to convictions. Oh, they've often been convicted. They've been hastily formed on insufficient grounds. They may be crude, indigested, erroneous. I have a very poor opinion of the politician who is not open to convictions. Oh, he's a fine fellow. Yes, that's the sort of politician for my money. Then we'll consider it scephal. As the country is in a state of insurrection it is absolutely necessary that you assume the functions of royalty at once. And until it has ascertained which of you is the king I've arranged for you to reign jointly that no question can arise hereafter as to the validity of any of your acts. As one individual, as one individual. Like this? Something like that. And we need to take our friends with us and give them places about the courts. Undoubtedly, that's always done. So am I. And as soon as we're off to bed it'll just run home and happen a few things. Stop. That won't do at all. Ladies are not admitted. What? Not admitted. Not at present. Afterward perhaps. We'll see. Well, you don't mean you're going to separate us from our wives. A fuma? What's a fuma? Bonsonships, the aristocrats, the queens, our goods, they all shall meet with me. The noble of the two of us is the actual king that we are to act as one person. Exactly. Now, although we act as one person we are in point of fact two persons. We can't get into that. No, but you can recognize two independent appetites. It's all very well to say that we act as one person. But when you supply us with only one ration between us I should describe it as an alternative fact carried a little too far. It's a rather nice point. I don't like to express an opinion offhand. Suppose we reserve it in front of the full court. Yes, but what are we to do in the meantime? We want our tea! I suppose that we may issue an interim order for double rations upon your majesty entering into the usual undertaking to indemnify in the event of an adverse decision. That, I think, will meet the case. But you must work hard. Stick to it. Nothing like work. Oh, certainly. We quite understand that a man who has the magnificent position of king should do something to justify it. We are called your majesty. We are allowed to buy ourselves magnificent clothes. Our subjects often nod to us in the streets. Our centuries always return our salutes. And we enjoy the inestimable privilege of heading the subscription list to all the principal charities. The least we can do is make ourselves useful about the past. And if business isn't heavy, we may hold a royal levy or reduce our shallow hugs or shallow whoops and we pass the shy if we've nothing in particular to do or receive a deputation or possibly create appeal then we help a fellow creature on his path we all stand a century at the pan. He's able just in time to lay the table and we dine and serve the coffee and add it up with a pleasure that's a divine feeling that our duty has been done. Oh! Never seem to project. It makes one feel quite selfish. It almost seems like taking advantage of their good nature. How nice they were about the double rations. The most considerate. But there's only one thing wanting to make us thoroughly comfortable. And that is? Our dear little wife said we left him at his three months ago. Yes. It is dull without female society. We can do without everything else but we can't do without that. And if we had that in perfection we'd have everything. There is only one recipe for perfect happiness. That we shan't know until the question is how shall we celebrate the commencement of our honeymoon? Gentlemen. Yes. To give you a magnificent banquet and ladies. Yes. What do you say to a dance? An accessible only by tickets obtainable at the Lord Chamberlain's office. I don't think I'm quite equal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation. You see. Remodeled on the principles of the reverse at the hand of his department. I'm awfully sorry. So am I. Oh by the by can I offer you something after your voyage at the Plain of Macaroni and Rusk? No. No. Nothing. Apply us to be careful. Yes. Coward. In every court there are distinctions which must be maintained. There are, aren't there? Why of course. For instance, you wouldn't have a Lord High Chancellor play leapfrog with his own cook. Why not? Why not? Because a Lord High Chancellor is a personage of great dignity. Who must under no circumstances place himself in the position of being told to tuck in his Tupperney except by a nobleman of his own rank. A Lord High Artificial perhaps might tell a Lord High Chancellor to tuck in his Tupperney. But certainly not a cook, gentlemen. Certainly not a cook. Not even if it's a Lord Hiker? Yes. My good friend. That is a rank which is not recognized in the Lord Chamberlain's office. No. It won't do. I'll give you an instance in which the experiment was tried. Still a little. We heard you never did any vote. The Duke and Duchess are nothing to us. But the daughter. I think you're a very incomprehensible old gentleman. Stop it. I'll explain. Years ago, when you, whichever you are, would have been, you, whichever you are, were married to a little girl who had grown up to be the most beautiful young lady in Spain. And that beautiful young lady will be here to claim you, whichever you are, in half an hour. And I congratulate that one, whichever it is, with all my heart. Married when a baby? We were married three months ago. Old one, only one. The other, whichever it is, is an unintentional bigger. What? These young persons. Who are we? The unfortunate gentleman. Who do you think? This complicated man. Dear, dear. Princess. Queen. That is the idea I intended to convey. Oh, husband, you are? Earthly temptation would have induced these two gentlemen to leave to such extremely fascinating and utterly irresistible young ladies. There's something in that. I may say that you will not be kept long and suspicious. The old woman who nursed a royal child is at present in the torture chamber waiting for me to interview her. Old girl, haven't you better go and put her out of your suspense? No, it's all right. As my Netflix password. In the meantime, may I suggest the absolute propriety of your regarding yourselves as single young ladies. Good evening. Well, here's a howdy-doo. Doidle. One of us is married to two young ladies and nobody knows which. The other is married to one young lady who nobody can identify. And one of us is married to one of you and the other is married to nobody. But which of you is married to which of us? And what do we come of the other? It's quite simple. Observe. Two husbands have managed to acquire three wives. Three wives, two husbands that's... Action. We've not right to call you a holy friendship. We have yet to run it next. The situation is entangled. Let's try and comb it out. We're united under such interesting and romantic circling. We will, if so facto, boil down to a single gentleman, thus presenting a unique example of an individual who becomes a single man and a married man by the same operation. Incredibly in the same individual. Oh, you couldn't have been a placitoro. Oh, couldn't he, though? Well, what if you love my husband? I don't know. It's extraordinary what unprepossessing people one can love if one gives one's mind to it. Oh, I love your father. My love? Your mark was a little hard, I think. Rather cruel, perhaps. So much uncalled for, I venture to believe. It was very difficult, my dear, but I said to myself, that man is a duke, and I will love you. Couldn't you love me? But I did. Desperately. I mean, we can look back upon the 95 of them that a premium hoped his father was in the habit of being applied for over and over again and very urgently applied for, too, long before he was registered for the Cliability Act. Honours and ad to their enjoyment affords a man of noble rank congenial employment of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative. The work is light and I may add it's most remunerary. Small titles and orders for mares and recorders I get in their highly delighted MPs better honoured than second-rate Alderman 90 Vality dinners the best of speech winners I get 10% on a ticket up and sent through so would jibbits they're wearing a pair made by selection upon the direction of several as soon as they're floated I'm freely back noted I'm pretty well paid for my trouble he's made for his trouble not a beginner too hard fitness to pay once fitness to fill let's all prefer a gentleman whom my daughter married the other may allow his attention to wander if he likes for what I'm about to say does not concern him. Sir, you will find in this young lady a combination of excellences which you would search for in vain in any young lady who had not the good fortune to be my daughter there is some little doubt as to which of you is the gentleman I am addressing and which is the gentleman who is allowing his attention to wander that doubt is solved I shall say still addressing the attentive gentleman take her and may she make you happier than her mother has made me it's a matter to which I think I am intended to take exception I come here in state with her grace the Duchess and her majesty my daughter and what do I find do I find for instance a guard of honor to receive me no no the town illuminated no no refreshments provided no no a royal salute filed upon office erected no one the visitors and I regulate myself it's not enough upon my honor I am very sorry but you see I was brought up on a gondola and my ideas of politeness are confined to taking off my cap to my passengers when they take me that's all that it will I'll take off anything else for any reason but you are salute to my daughter it costs so little Pa, I don't want a salute oh my dear sir until it is decided which of us has the right to take that liberty she's got as many salutes as she likes as regards of honor and triumphal arches you don't know our people they wouldn't stand it no they are very offhand with us very offhand but you mustn't allow that you must keep them in proper discipline you must impress your court with your importance you want deportment carriage leave that a carrot manner dignity there must be a good deal of this sort of thing and a little of this sort of thing and possibly just a soup saw of this sort of thing soup saw and saw oh it's very useful and most effective just attend to me you are a king I am a subject very good