 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike, the cigarette that tastes better. Light up, Lucky. It's light up time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light up time. For the taste that you like. Light up, Lucky Strike. Relax. It's light up time. This is Don Wilson, friends, and you know? The right time for a Lucky is anytime you feel like enjoying a really great cigarette. The right place? Well, that's any place you happen to be at the time. It's true you can depend on a Lucky to give you better taste every time it's light up time. That's because of the truly fine tobacco that goes into every Lucky Strike cigarette. LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. It's a tobacco that's light and mild and good tasting. And then that fine tobacco is toasted. Yes, before that naturally good tasting tobacco is made into Lucky Strike cigarettes, it's toasted to taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. So when you buy your next pack or carton of cigarettes, remember, Lucky's taste better. And be happy, go Lucky. Light up, Lucky. It's light up time. For the taste that you like. Light up a Lucky Strike. Right now. Light up a Lucky. It's light up time. A program starring Jack Benny with Murray Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, let's turn the clock back to Wednesday and go out to Jack Benny's house in Beverly Hills. It's morning. And at the moment, Rochester is busy cleaning the den. Oh, it's radio, television, and mambo lessons from six days. Skip the commercial, Rochester. This is Susie. Oh, Susie. Hi, honey. Don't honey me. I haven't heard from you all week. Told you the night before last. You did? Yeah, you... Funny, I wonder why she didn't tell me you called. Maybe she didn't recognize my voice. It doesn't matter, Rochester, because we're going to have to stop seeing each other anyway. The way we're going, we'll never get married. Well, Susie, I know it's discouraging, but I promise we'll get married just as soon as Mr. Benny gives me a raise. I wouldn't wait that long for Sugar Ray Robinson. I've had a raise years ago. I know, but there's always something that takes priority. Like this week, Mr. Benny's having the living room decorated. You mean he actually went out and hired a painter? Yeah, Mr. Benny's in the living room with him right now. Paint that corner. Now, get the ceiling above it. Now, get the wall. Get the wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the wall, the wall. Now, get the top of the window sill, the top of the window sill. All right, all right, the sill. Who more on the top, the top, the top? Good, good. Now, get the other window sill, the other one, the other one. I'm getting it, I'm getting it. Oh, boy, that's the last time I ever take a job by the hour. Get the wall, get the wall, get the corner sill. It's bad enough that you talked me into working for half of what I'm supposed to charge. But I can't stand being hounded like this. Who's hounding you? You mean to tell me you've never had customers that took an interest and made suggestions? Yeah, but you're the first one that ever stayed up here on a ladder with me. Oh, I didn't realize. Well, you keep working. I'll let you alone for a while. Okay, but would you throw me a favor? What? This thing. Don't put on those fast records. Well, I... You know, I just wanted to entertain you. Entertain me? During the flight at a bumblebee, I finished two walls. Smart Alec. He better watch a stepper. I'll report him to the union for working below scale. I wonder why I always get... Hello, Jack, there's your little old piano player, Charlie Bagby. Well, Charlie, how are you? That's good. I'm fine. I'm fine. How do you play it, Charlie Bagby? Well, Charlie, how are you? That's what I called about. I don't think I'll be able to make the show, Sunday. I caught a cold. A cold, eh? Yeah, it's too bad. What are you taking for it, Charlie? Oh, the usual thing. Well, how do you feel? Fine. I can hardly walk. Wait a minute, Charlie. Have you been drinking? Well, it's not my fault. The doctor told me to take two fingers of cognac. Well? I drank three whole bottles. And it hasn't gone to my fingers yet. Now try to tell me that you're just following the doctor's order. Oh, yes, I am. Now wait a minute. Look, Charlie, there isn't a doctor in town who'll tell you to drink liquor for a cold. I know. I had to go all the way to Pesmo Beach before I found this one. You know, Charlie, some of these days... Gotta hang up. Now it's time for my medicine. I'm so happy when he's sick. Gee, I'm glad he only has a cold. I'll never forget that month he staggered through pneumonia. When they finally put him in an oxygen tent, it exploded. But he's a pretty... Ah, there's the door. Papa loves mumbo. Mama loves mumbo. Da-da-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. Hello, Mr. Benny. Rochester, bring me an aspirin. What's the matter? Have you got a headache? Hello, Rochester. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I'll get you one, boss. Come on in, Dennis, and close the door. Now what's on your mind, kid? Oh, I just came over to bring you a piece of my birthday cake. Birthday cake? Well, that was very thoughtful of you, Dennis. I saved it from my party. Here. Oh, gee. Green icing. Tastes good, too. I never ate green icing before. So your birthday is today, huh? No, six months ago. Dennis, you mean this cake is six months old? It was chocolate when I bought it. Where would you bring me a cake six months old and all covered with mold? That's the stuff they make penicillin out of. So what? You need all the help you can get. Now, Dennis, I don't need it. The penicillin cured me. Rochester, take this cake, stick a label on it, and put it in the medicine cabinet. What? Never mind. Come in. Oh, Don, come on in. Don, there's no rehearsal today. What are you doing around here? Oh, I just dropped by to return this garden hose I borrowed from you last week. My garden hose? Oh, you won't be needing it? Not anymore. I found a belt my size. There was no rush. You could have worn the hose a while longer. I know, but it tickles when you throw the water off. That makes sense, I guess. Here's today's mail, boss. Oh, thanks, Rochester. Hey, Jack, isn't that paint? I smell. Yeah, I'm having the living room redecorated. You'll never recognize it. Oh, really? What colors are going to be? Well, the ceiling will be sort of an off-white, you see, but the fourth walls are going to be beige. Uh-huh. And what are you doing with the fourth wall? Nothing. That's one we saved for advertising. Rochester. Remember the year Madman once cooked the ceiling? If you'll excuse me a second, Don, I just want to glance through my mail. Oh, go ahead, Jack. See what I got here? A bill, another bill. A circular. Hmm. Another threatening letter from Arthur Murray. Well, he can teach his way. I'll teach mine. Hey, what's this? A letter from Warkeegan. Well, I'll be darned. Hey, fellas, here's a letter from a pal I haven't seen in 20 years. Stubb Wilbur. He was a classmate of mine in high school. No kidding, Jack. Yeah. And he's coming out here for a visit. Let's see. Arriving on the super chief at Union Station 2.30 p.m. on Wednesday, they... Hey, that's today. I better get down there. I'll go with you, Jack. Me, too. I'll just grab a jack and we'll go down to the station and meet my friend Stubb. Gee, with that freeway, we sure made good time getting here. Yeah. Come on, let's go on the station. Train now leaving on track 5 for Anaheim, Azusa. Come on, go. Go to the south end of the depot to meet the incoming passengers. Yeah, but I better check at the information desk before we get to Anaheim, huh? Hiya, bud. Long time, no see. Come on, fellas. Jack, Jack, isn't that the racetrack tout? Yeah, I'm always bumping into that tout. Look, why don't you and Dennis just browse around while I get the information? Okay. Let's see, where's the information booth? Correction, please. There will be no trip to Anaheim, Azusa, and Coop Kamunga as previously announced. That train has just been rented to the Fairfax Kitty Park. So crowded here, excuse me. Pardon me. I wonder if I... Be alone. Kitzel, what are you doing here at the station? I'm taking a trip to New York. What? And I can see my wife's face now. Boy, will she be surprised. Oh, she doesn't know you're coming. She doesn't know I'm going. Mr. Kitzel, don't tell me you had an argument with your wife. Mr. Benny, it's our relatives. Your relatives, eh? Well, a lot of them living there with you. You think this station is crowded? At the last count, 36 relatives came to live with us. 36 relatives? Yeah, 12 of them were taking their word. They haven't got birth certificates. Oh, I see. What a crowd we got in my house. Every place they're sleeping, on the mattresses, on the beds, on the chairs, and on top of the piano is my cousin, Murphy. Murphy, your cousin? He's one of the 12. We're taking his word for it. Have a nice trip, Mr. Kitzel. And look me up when you get back. This is our promise. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Attention, please. We have just learned that while coming through Albuquerque, the westbound sunshine limited hit a cow and will be delayed several hours. Jack. What is it, Don? Look who I just bumped into. Hey, it's the sportsman, the quartet. Hiya, fellas. Attention, please. Now arriving on track 18, the chief from Chicago, on track 2, the lark from San Francisco, and on track 5, a cow from Albuquerque. Gee, I bet that one is really tenderized. Now tell me, hey, sportsman, what are you doing here at the station? I'm afraid they haven't time to talk, Jack. They have to catch a train. Oh, where are they going? To Goldsboro, North Carolina. Why? Oh, L-S-S-S-S-M-F-F-F-F-L-S-M-F-T. You'd be so happy when you cannot measure the pleasure that you will get from smoking lucky strike. So jackson buy, so take it, Don, and carry on a way down south where they grow tobacco. That's where we belong. Forward man, that's where we'll get. S-S-S-S-M-F-F-F-F-L-S-S-S-S-M-F-F-F-T-S-L-S-M-F-T. Attention, please. Attention, trains now leading for Las Vegas on tracks 7 and 11. Don, we better... These trains are pulled by diesel engines. Information about stub strain. And I think it's right over here. There's the information booth there. Oh, Mr. Mr. Are you the information clerk? Well, what do you think I am in this cage? A parakeet with a mustache? The time I was down here, they had you behind the ticket counter. How did you get information? I dialed 113. When you stop that, all I want to know is if the super chief will be arriving on time. Let me see. The train you're limited leaves in 15 minutes. The Grand Canyon departs in a half an hour. The Challenger is leaving in an hour and a half. Wait a minute. I want to know about a train coming in. Why do you keep telling me about trains that are leaving? Well, in psychiatry, they call it the power of suggestions. Look, you still haven't answered my question. When will the super chief be in? In exactly 15 minutes. Thank you. Come on, Don. Wait a minute, Jack. What track does the train come in on? The gate to wait at. Oh, look, before we leave the window, why don't you ask the man where to go? Okay. Oh, mister. Could you tell me where to go? I said, could you tell me where to go? If you ask me that once more, I might let you have it. Don, what happened to Dennis? He's right over there weighing himself. Oh, yeah. Dennis, what are you jumping on that machine for? Well, I put a penny in, but no peanuts came out. Dennis, that's a weighing machine. It's a scale. When you put a penny in, a little card comes out. There it is down there. Oh, yeah. Hey, gee, look, I weigh 155 pounds. And Dennis, on the other side, is your fortune. My fortune? Well, let me see. Gee, now they tell me. What does it say? No peanuts. Come on, kids. We better get over to meet the train. Look, Jack, there's plenty of time now. Why don't we go get a sandwich first? Well, there's not that much time. I've got... I'm going to meet the train. Well, I'm going to get a sandwich. Let him go alone, Dennis. You come with me. Okay. Hey, Bud. Bud. Who, me? No, you with the pointed head. He means me. Well, this is a switch. Look, mister. What are you doing? I'm going with Mr. Benny. Uh-uh. Why? Go with Wilson. Wilson? Why? Well, look at the form. He's always out in front. I don't know. What about Benny? Benny hasn't got a chance. His photo finish was the horn blows at midnight. Now take my word for it, Bud. Stick with Wilson. Well, come here a minute. What? I'm sticking with Benny. Why? Wilson's carrying too much weight. He's got everything in the back stretch. Okay, I'll see you in the poor house. Come on, Dennis. Come on. I better go with you, too. Southbound limited, now leaving for Laguna, Capistrano, San Diego, Tijuana, Acapulco, and Mexico City, I think. Jack, this is the gate right here. Yeah. Sure, a lot of people waiting. Well, I can hardly wait to see Stubb again. Good old Stubb. Yeah, I bet he'll be glad to see you, too. Come on. Let's edge over a little. I wonder what that kid is crying about. Attention, the super chief is now arriving on track eight. Come on, Mr. Benny. Everyone's getting ahead of us. That poor kid. I better see why he's crying. Oh, now, Jack, how can you butt in? You don't even know the kid. Well, I can't just let him cry. What seems to be the trouble, sonny? You lose your mommy? Look, I don't know what's wrong, but I wish you'd stop crying. If you give me a nickel, I will. Now give it to him. But, Don, I don't even know the kid. I'm starting to come up the ramp. All right, kid, here's a nickel. Now you can stop crying and dry your eyes because everything is going to be... Let go of it already! Hey, I didn't think you could do it. Jack, do you see your friend? No, I don't. I hope he didn't miss the train. Gee, that's the way he was in school, too. Completely irresponsible. That's Stubb, Wilbur. I was two years older than Stubb, and he got in the habit of letting me do his thinking for him. Attention, please. Attention. The Loreline now arriving on track five. Loreline? Man, was it foggy? Well, there's no sense standing here. Let's go home. Yeah, I guess so. Gee, I'm sorry I dragged you both down here on a wild goose chase. Big pardon, but could you be of a little assistance to me? Oh, what can I do for you, sir? Well, I don't see so good anymore. Do you mind reading an address I've got written down here on this piece of paper? Let's see. 366 North Camden Drive. Wait a minute! That's my address! Well, Jack! Not a talkover. Here, I'll carry your bag. Never mind the bags. Carry me. It's amazing how old you can get when you don't lie about your reign. Every minute, day and night, a destructive fire starts. And in nine out of ten cases, most fires start because someone is careless. Don't let that someone be you. Be sure your electrical wiring is properly installed. Put cigarettes and matches out before you discard them. Be on guard constantly against fire. Remember, only you can prevent fires. Thank you. Jack will be back in just a minute, friends. But first, let's hear that catchy, lucky strike, light-up time tune again. Light up a lucky. It's light up time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light up time for the taste that you like. Light up a lucky strike. Relax. It's light. Yes, sir. When it's light up time for you, light up a lucky. You couldn't make a better choice. Here's why. Lucky strike is the cigarette of fine, light, naturally good-tasting tobacco. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. And lucky strike is the cigarette that's toasted. Yes, it's toasted to bring lucky's naturally good-tasting tobacco to its peak of flavor so that it tastes even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Fine tobacco and it's toasted add up to real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So be happy, go lucky. Buy a carton and try them out. When you light up, I'll bet you find a lucky is the best tasting cigarette you ever smoked. Light up a lucky. It's light up time. Be happy, go lucky. It's light up time for the taste that you like. Light up a lucky strike. Right now. Light up a lucky. It's light up time. Gosh, Tub, isn't it wonderful your first day in California? Yeah. Can I go to bed now? You want to go to sleep, but it's so early. I know, but I'm so tired of painting this room. We just have to finish this ceiling and then we can go to sleep. Yeah, yeah, sleep. Good night. The Jack Benny program is written by Sam Farron, Milt Josephsburg, George Balzer, John Tackaberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. 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