 Today's show is brought to you by Zipcar.com. Earn $25 of free driving credit at JoinZipcar.com forward slash David Feldman show. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. You're listening to David Feldman's show. We'll be back to our show in just a second. Remember to do all your Amazon shopping via the David Feldman show website. Go to DavidFeldmanShow.com, hit the Amazon banner, and shop away a small percentage of everything you purchase helps keep the lights on here. It does not cost you more to shop on Amazon via the David Feldman show website. Now back to our show. Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman, DavidFeldmanShow.com. Please follow me on Twitter, friend me on Facebook, and subscribe to our podcast on iTunes or Stitcher, or both. We have a YouTube channel, so all these episodes now are on the David Feldman show YouTube channel. It's just audio, but it's a great way to listen via YouTube, and it's a great way to share an episode that you enjoy. For some reason, YouTube is more viral than anything I've used in the past. So I don't know. I always think of YouTube as something you watch, but you can also just listen to a great podcast on YouTube and then share it on Twitter or YouTube or with friends, or go to my website and share this show and give us a good review on iTunes. It helps and do all your shopping via our Amazon link on the David Feldman show. We get a small percentage of everything you purchase. It doesn't cost you extra to go through the David Feldman show first to shop on Amazon. You're actually taking money out of Amazon's pocket and saving Main Street. Did you know that the door is opening and coffee is being served to our guest who is one of our most requested guests? Mr. Pat Dixon, he is the host of the New York City Crime Report, which is one of my favorite all-time podcasts. Nobody who's listened to my show knows that I have a horrible laugh. It's horsey and loud and nobody triggers my horse laugh more than Pat Dixon. I'm going to do everything I can to avoid that today. Okay. You know, David, I've realized that I've started wearing reading glasses lately and I know why eyes go bad now. Did you ever wonder? I always thought it was just your age, your eyes wear out. It is. You get to be like 40. You need glasses because that's your brain's way of telling your eyes. Yeah, don't read that. It's just going to piss you off. You already know everything anyway. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here. And nature ruins your eyes so that you and your loved one can stay together. It's, yeah, the second paper bag. Yeah. I'll call it two-bagger. Yeah. The direct correlation between the amount of Viagra you need and the number of times a year you get your eyeglasses fixed. I had no idea. You know, my ex-brother-in-law is not deceased. He was considerably older than my sister. That went over well back in the 80s. He used to say that, you know, what happens is you grow up and once you're past the age of having children, you become superfluous and then nature just shuts you down and you rot like a tree limb. And that's it. And I thought that was a very, you know, unromanticized way of looking at it. Scientific. You are a journalist and a comedian. You'll be at Crackers in Indianapolis the last week of October, the 26th through the 30th. People should check out your website, crimereport.nyc. That's right. That's a new suffix. Well, it's specific to New York City and I thought how appropriate and I tried it out and it works. Crimereport.nyc. And you are married to Mandy Stettmiller. Yes. Oh, God. Thanks for reminding me. The author has seen her in weeks. The author of Unwifable, She Writes for New York Magazine. She puts that out every single week. It's about our relationship primarily. You would think that would be nerve wracking, but she's actually pretty gentle. And she quotes me. I mean, like the stuff she said, and now it's just a placeholder. She shows me what she's written. There's a quote there. It's something I would never say. And I kept to like, here's how that would be said and it's five times funnier. And that's the way it is. We collaborate on, I really write the whole thing. Well, we had her on the show with you and she, I hope she had no offense. I was hoping the two of you were going to show up. Are your balls still sore from that by the way? You guys are very interesting. You're a very powerful couple and very courageous and not shy about your life. Does she talk about things that you resent? I did an interview with Greg Fitzsimmons. And it's the first time I actually told the truth about certain things. And I'll probably never do it again. I just, because I feel discussing my private life. I think there's some things that I would be willing to discuss and some other things that I owe my loved ones their privacy. Okay. I think that makes sense. That's the opposite of Mandy's theory. She's working on a book proposal right now. And it's pretty truthful and it's pretty, I don't know. I wouldn't say blunt because I think that she loves her family a lot. But there's things about her family in there that, you know, her sister has already been like, you know, I didn't take you to Mexico when you were 13. Oh, they used to live in San Diego and they would, no big deal for teenagers to run across the border and go get wasted down south of the border. And so she let her read it. And so now you, and she's like, well, I'm just going to do it anyway. And certain things about her mom. She's like, would you please not write about that? Is it true or not true what she's writing? Well, I'm sure it's true. Yeah. I mean, and to me, the truth is the best defense. And so like if you tell the truth, but then again, I'm sure there's a line, right? I mean, some things are just better left unsaid. Good personal stuff. What is it that you don't like to talk about? It's like you're, well, I don't, I, you're better divorced or, well, yeah. There you go. The thing is, I started talking about that immediately. I mean, like the fourth time I went on stage, my wife had left me. I had a black eye and I had been drunk for a week and it was like the best time ever. Why did you have a black eye? Well, I got into a fight at my home while we were, you know, inebriated myself and a very good friend of mine. And that's how that happened. You just get into fights. It's dumb stuff. I was, what, 20? I was in my 20s. Yeah. You know what's interesting about black, not black guys, black eyes. Because everything is interesting about black guys. Yes. You ever pass a black guy someplace and go, where did you get that cologne? I always think, I'd give anything to smell like that. And if I ask him, I don't tell him. Yeah. We'll talk about black guys later, but. Actually, that's what I said. I had a black guy. Oh, and that's why you got divorced. Yeah. He was in bed with your wife. Yes. When you get a black eye and fewer and fewer men are getting black eyes because they're not being raised to fight. When you're my age, my father came home from World War II and, you know, stand up for yourself. And so I got into fights. One of the things you notice when you get a black eye, the first thing you say is, oh, it really is black. That's why they call it a black eye. Yeah. And it's sort of, it's like a chameleon kind of thing. It's like every day a different color, a different shade and you wake up, it's purple, you go to bed, it's yellow. And it's at first humiliating to have a black eye. Because you walked into that door, right? Yeah. We're talking about, yeah. And because you either got knocked out in the fight, either lost the fight, right? Yeah. But then in some bizarre way, a couple of days, it's turning blue now. And it's a badge of honor, maybe, in a different time. Maybe not now, but there was a time when having a scar or a black eye was kind of cool. I don't think things like that change in a generation. I think black eyes are no longer cool. I don't know. I tell you, I mean, they might not be cool, maybe not on the surface. But I think that they're still respected. I think people still see that and go, or women in particular, maybe go, oh, that guy fights. You know? And she's not just, I guess she could be saying, oh, it gets his ass kicked. But I mean, what do I know about women like that? Yeah, so you and Mandy have a really interesting marriage. So do women, are they attracted to a guy who is physically powerful? Or are some women are attracted to a guy who is physically powerful? Oh, of course, yeah. I mean, sure. I don't think that anybody is particularly attracted to someone who is physically weak. Someone perceived as, that guy is just weak. But when I was growing up, Woody Allen was a sex symbol. Woody Allen's powerful for different reasons. He has a powerful intellect, and that's for a highly evolved woman who goes, well, we're not throwing rocks at rabbits anymore. This guy's doing pretty good for himself. That's what it is. Money is power. And so is, you know, like creativity or having a high standing in a certain community. But by the way, anybody who's in a movie, it doesn't matter. You could be, you know, a bag of shit and be in a movie, and you get all kinds of attention, you know. I mean, like, I think that's everything, don't you? I don't want to be cruel here. I don't want to name names. I don't want to bring up like an unattractive, famous person. But let me see. How do women think? I mean, if you are unattractive, and you're weak, and you're stupid, and you're unsuccessful. I'm sitting right here. But you're famous, you're in a movie. Is there a type of woman who would be attracted to you? Because you're a star in a movie. I'm trying to think. There's a lot of actors that have like three out of four of those, you know. But they have the success or the physique or something like that. Look at a guy like Nicholas Cage. You know, before he got all pumped up, he was kind of like just a regular guy. Not particularly attractive, balding, a little weird. He's bankrupt. He's, I don't think he has any trouble getting laid. You know, I mean, I think, yeah, sure. Just being up on a screen, and movies are very powerful. How do you know if a guy is attractive or not? Just look at his face. Is it the look on his face? Or the tingling in your loin? That's what I'm saying. I look at his face. That's how I know. And then I say, God, I like that guy. I don't know. I remember sitting with Dennis. I was with Dennis Miller. I used to be very close with Dennis Miller. And I remember sitting with him watching television. And we were trying to figure out if guys were good looking or not. If we thought a guy was good looking or just young. You go, found him. What's up with this guy? Is he good looking or is he just young? Or is it just the clothes? Like, you know, women, you, a guy, I can figure out if a woman is attractive. Right? Yeah, it's easy. But a guy. Does she have a vagina? Yes, she's attractive. Right. I mean, it's a, the bar for me is pretty low, I think. You know, a woman can be heavy or light or, you know, virtually any culture. It's why the evening was invented. Yeah. And candlelight. It's dark. Yeah. And also, I'll tell you this too, Mandy will tell me who's good looking on TV. She mostly tells me who's ugly. We watch a lot of dating shows. And she'll go, that, God, that guy's ugly. And to me, I just thought, like, that's just a regular guy. But once I have that in my head, I look at him and I go, oh yeah. And I don't know. It's like, I can always see it. Does a person's beauty change the minute they open their mouth? Well, women say that a lot. Yeah. And you put your penis inside. No. Right back to beautiful. You take it out? Ugly. It's amazing. That is just incredible. Going in? Beautiful. Going out? So weird. Yeah. You wouldn't think it'd be determined on the outside stuff like that. You know what I hate is when a woman's drunk and she can be very sexy. I saw a woman at one point in my life, certainly not the last party I went to on Labor Day. I'll tell you that right now. But this lady had a bikini on this woman, this girl, much younger than myself. And she was running around, you know, in her bikini and stuff. And then it became apparent she got out of the pool, you know, and she had just like, you know, jumped in and swam around and stuff, gets out. And she's acting like she's 12, you know, in a bad way. So, yeah. I mean, immediately I was like, well, I definitely don't feel like I'm missing anything there, you know? And she did that thing where you ever have a girl like grab your arm and go, come here, come here, you know? Her long lost uncle who just, you know, flew in from Buffalo or something. And I hate that. I hate it. I got really weird about it. I'm like, stop touching me. Stop touching me. It was like people thought there was some kind of an assault going on. I think it definitely, women say that a lot, though, about guys. He just greatly opens his mouth. Yeah. Before the show started we were talking about clothing. Turns out that women are into clothes. Men's clothing. They pay attention to how you dress. Well, yeah. It makes a big difference. And it turns out we're into how women dress, but we're not aware that we're into how women dress. Oh, I gotta tell you, I'm aware of it. Well, you're talking about lingerie or you're talking about... Here's the thing about lingerie that I never understood. I want to be careful here. I was always amazed that pictures of women in bikinis would sell newspapers when you could just go look at porn. Yeah. Really? Rupert Murdoch? The Page Six girls? Is that what they were called? Yeah. You know what? I have a copy of the New York Post right here, but you're referring to. Rupert Murdoch is the publisher. Tell me. This is not a bikini, but this is some very short shorts. Who is it? That is Lady Gaga. Really? It says, OK, Gaga, you win. We'll run your pick. Lady Gaga, realize she hasn't been in the Post recently. She stepped out Friday half naked to visit a London chicken joint. We're sure it's a coincidence that Gaga has released a new song, Perfect Illusion. She's doing this thing. There's under cleavage there. You see the under cleavage on the breasts? Yes. The breasts are coming underneath the bra. Is that a new thing? Well, it's new to you, I guess. It's new in the last, oh, how many years? I don't know. I started seeing it five years ago, maybe. That's the first time I've ever even heard of under cleavage. Yeah, bottom cleavage. And the way she's standing, as you can see, is very provocative. And there's a suggestiveness to this outfit that you just can't, I mean, porn is great, but you're looking at an international celebrity who is, I mean, that's a pretty sexy picture. Now, of course, the Daisy Dukes, as they used to come up with, they call them Daisy Dukes. They've really evolved. You're getting ass cleavage now. Now, of course, it's gone for a while in, like, I don't know, Benny Hill or something, but in public, you know. And I think the next thing is, I could have sworn I saw a pussy lip cleavage. That's the medical term for it. A woman once told me she had a gynecologist, and this is just a true thing, and I thought of the doctor's name was gynecologist Dr. Finger. I said that to a guy the other day. He goes, that's better than Dr. Fist. But, you know, it's an interesting point you make here. Please, look at the picture. Yeah, I... So... Ooh. Yeah. So... That's a little lead in your pencil, don't it? Maybe not. Yeah. Why not? Was it the boots? Well, I don't want to be. The knees, actually. The knees are not good. The knees are not good. I didn't notice she had knees. I'll be damned. I think it's the bend of the paper that makes it look like she's got a compound fracture or something. That's the other thing. Guys who are like connoisseurs of a woman's body, like, she has great legs. Really? Like, what are... I always find like you're either into women or you're not. I don't know what the... Like, what good legs... Like, how would a woman have bad legs? Like, maybe she's got shitty knees. That's part of the leg. I think good legs are if they're spread. That might be a joke. Yes. You should jot that down. She has great legs. Excuse me. Alex. Alex. Could you jot that down? I may have come up with a joke just now. A woman with nice legs. What makes them nice? They're spread. I don't know. I see. Pretend to laugh. That's a joke. Bazooka Joe. Joe book. Why don't we make Bazooka Joe for adults? You know, like little cartoons that are filthy and lose money on that as well. Yeah, well, Bazooka Joe, I mean, that was all that gum had going for it, was a joke. I mean, you had to really need a joke bad to chew that gum. It was hard. Right. Yeah, it was cheap though. So women are into clothing? Women are into clothing, sure. Do you, does Mandy, who is really bright and writes about what women want in the New York magazine and elsewhere, can she advise you on how to dress properly to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex? Well, I don't know. I've never needed that from her. I don't think that I make a lot of mistakes. I'm 46. And if you don't have to figure it out by now, you know, it's not a big deal. Clothing. Clothing, yeah. I mean, just don't do anything stupid. Don't wear anything that looks bad. You know, and by now, as you've done, and what I'm wearing right now, we're both sitting here with white button-up shirts and some kind of slacks with like a medium taper so they're not baggy as hell. Shirts like that. You get a uniform over time. And so by this time I found my uniform. I've got my uniform haircut. Right. You ever like put on clothes on the mirror and then like nothing looks good. And then you go, oh, I need a haircut. And then all your shirts look good again. It's, I don't know that she could advise me. I can't advise her either because she's got a great sense of style. And it doesn't involve like always wearing a certain thing. It's always easy. And she just nails it. It's like when you do stand up still, right? Well, some would call it stand up. I get up in front of an audience and talk into a microphone. Right. So the main thing is the in front of an audience. I think that when you're in front of people all the time too, you have some sense that you want to look, you know, not stupid. Right. And really all you have to do is don't wear, it's really simple for guys, don't wear pants with pleats. If you have pleats, just get rid of them. And don't wear shirts that are too baggy. Don't wear baggy jeans. Yeah. When did pleats go out of style? 10, 15 years ago. And how do we know that? Well, and why? Because you start noticing that like a certain kind of person is wearing pleats and a certain kind of person isn't. And I think that you just realize it didn't look good. You know, it's, it's not something that flat front. It just looks better. And then they realize that it's like a, it's like a thin tie. It kind of objectively looks better. You know, is it object, is fashion objective? I'm going to say it is. Yeah. On certain things, sure. I mean, you know, like two buttons versus three buttons on a blazer. Yeah. I mean, it's always two. It's been three, it was three in the fifties or something. A double breasted jacket is always a mistake. Letterman wore a double breasted. He's Letterman. But that's it. I mean, yeah, somebody, it's at the classics. You know what I mean? You find a certain thing and they're never going to go out of style. That's objectively good. And you pay attention to this because I never paid it. There's so little to know. But the fact that you are trying to know it suggests one of two things. Your pussy whipped or you're gay. Either way, you're either pussy whipped or gay if you're paying that much attention. I can't have a good sense of style over 26 years of dressing as an adult. You've been dressing as an adult for 26 years. 28 if you count 18 and 19, which I don't. Okay. So it means you were checking out other men. Checking them out. Yeah. In a sexual way. Well, you were looking at what they were wearing. You were noticing their clothes. Like in a catalog. Yeah. Because you were looking at catalog and there's guys, they don't have sexy women modeling the clothes. I don't masturbate to the catalog. But that act of checking out a men's catalog. Abercrombie and Fitch. Well, now that does make you. Well, honey, I'm looking at these. If this guy had a shirt on, then I wouldn't notice the pants. I'm trying to determine whether or not I want to buy the pants. He's shirtless because I'm focusing on the pants. It's that simple. It's that I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay or pussy-whipped. No. But if you start reading fashion magazines. Well, I don't read fashion magazines. But if you're paying attention to men's fashions, you're doing it for one of two reasons. You're either gay or you're pussy-whipped. Well, you don't happen one time. Somebody goes. Answer my question. I don't agree. Why are you noticing? I don't agree. How do you know that pleated pants are no longer fashionable? Literally, somebody told me pleated pants are no longer fashionable. And I was like, okay, I believe them. And I saw a girl look at my crotch, as they always do, crotch area. And I thought, oh, she's checking out. And she goes, pleats, like that. And you go, well, if this is going to blow me getting laid, then maybe I should dress it. Because you just said women are into clothes. That's a strong motivation to check it out. Why is it that a woman naked with black boots on? Why is that erotic? Is it erotic? I mean, it depends on the boots. I mean, these construction worker boots, these punk rocker boots that Lady Gaga's got on, you know, that might not hit really cool the figure for me. I don't know. Like, boots, black boots on a woman. Well, what's the length of the heel? Well, that's the point. High heel boots? So you can buy something and put it on. And we would find that attractive. Isn't that why? What is that about? Evolutionary speaking, what is that about? Well, that's a good question. I think that we identify a big... First of all, the woman's naked. Her footwear is borderline irrelevant. Yeah. Unless she's wearing, you know, shoes that have like knives on them or something and you're afraid you're going to get your scrotum nicked, then I think it doesn't matter. As far as looking at a woman's clothes and thinking they're attractive, I know that, like, I had one girlfriend who wore boots all the time and they look nice, but when it's time to get down, you know, it's a big hassle. I mean, you got to pull all these laces out. They went all the way up to the knees. They were like riding boots. Right. And when I saw that, I was like, that seems hard and unwelcoming. And then I dated a girl right after that. But I suppose she leaves them on. Well, she can't because her pants are tucked into them. She'd have to take them all the way off and then put the boots back on. Now seeing her in just the boots, yeah, that's hot. But when I see a woman in jeans and like a pair of Birkenstocks after that, nice soft pair of jeans, that to me seems welcoming and soft. And that's what I like is that I like a nice, I'm not into rough sex. You know. You're not into rough sex. Not into it. No. I'm into rough sex with a dog. Don't remind me I need to pick up some peanut butter. That's Bazooka Joe right there. I'm into rough sex. Just let me just, for our listeners, I made a horrible joke and you saved it. I'll come now. The David Feldman Show will continue in just a moment. I just want to ask you all to subscribe to the David Feldman Show on iTunes. And while you're over there, give us a good review. It helps a lot. Don't forget to follow David Feldman on Twitter and Facebook and now back to the show. We're talking with Pat Dixon. He hosts the NYC Crime Report, the New York City Crime Report. Go to nyccrime.nyc. Crime report.nyc. Crime report.nyc. It's a show that gives you a reason to live. And he'll also be at Crackers in Indianapolis, the last week of October. You're going to be there the 26th to the 30th. I love going to Crackers in Indianapolis. And let's talk about New York City Crime. Okay. When did you start following New York City Crime? Well, when Maxim Gelman, the spree killer, stabbed a guy on the train and then they detailed his 28-hour killing spree for people he'd killed. And he'd also hijacked or carjacked like four cars and one of them was run over. One of them was, you know, I could go through the whole thing. I know the whole story so well. But then he got on the free train and he goes, he walked up to a guy, strangely, he goes, you're going to die. You're going to die. And he's got this big butcher knife, stabbed him right in the face. The guy tackles him and then he's got free reign to his head, right? Stabs him all over. Stabs him like seven times, cuts his finger. The guy happens to be an MMA enthusiast, not a fighter, just somebody who watched it. It's a ticket seller at Lincoln Center. He takes the guy down and gets the knife out of his hand. At that point, the two cops who had been hiding in the conductor's booth come out and they say, we'll take it from here. That was between 34th Street and 42nd Street on the Uptown 3. And I thought it was the most cinematic thing I'd ever heard. And I would go around telling the story of parties and people are like, what? I'm like, this happened just here. And he's like, I didn't hear about that. I thought, well, maybe I could do something about that. That guy, by the way, his name is Joe Luzito. And he is actually, I'm very fortunate to call him a friend now. I got to meet him and we see each other sometimes on the show, he comes on. And just a great guy, humble guy. So you do have the subjects on your show? When I can, yeah. I mean, it's hard to get some of these people because a lot of them are dead. And then a lot of them are also in prison. And then some of them probably just don't have a sense of humor about their crimes. People go, hey, talk about crime and make it funny. Some of them are inherently ironic. They're inherently ironic. A woman throwing a baby out of a window without a name, along with the after birth. And she threw the after birth as well. There was a rash of women throwing babies out windows last summer. It hasn't happened this year. Not once. The baby's also... That's good for the rash, too. Cures the rash. Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease, I guess. Does she at least keep the bath water? It's not the baby, but not the bath water. What do you mean there was a rash? So people here, in six months, threw three women through their babies out of windows in three completely separate incidents. It's a craze, like, you know, swallowing goldfish. Like the twist. What is it? Does it get... People read about that and say, I... Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. If the media affects that, or if it's just... Do you think somebody reads a story and goes, you know what, that's a pretty good idea. I'm going to throw you out the window one day. And then the next time something... Now, I think insanity is something that can be learned from the media. And that is an utterly insane thing to do. Do you realize how much impulse control human beings have? Think about this for a second. You've never had kids, right? Anybody who's had kids and held their own baby has, like, a nanosecond where it occurs to them, I could do something horrible. Every, especially men, every father, for a split second thinks to himself, oh my God, I can snap for a second. And, you know, I don't even want to talk about it. The fact that that so rarely happens. The fact that in New York City, we are not being fitted with titanium umbrellas to block the falling babies from the sky. When you think about this, the impulse control that humans have not to just be throwing human bodies out the window. 15% chance of showers. And the Bronx, 30% chance of falling babies. It is amazing, isn't it? Or cats and dogs. Well, I mean, of course. I mean, there was a guy who was a trainer who threw a cat and a dog out the window. He was in our awards. They voted him the worst guy of the year, but that's another story. I put one of them down the garbage chute, which I thought was funny. He lived that dog. If you want to talk about impulse control, let's go back to these, you know, ass shorts that women are wearing. The subways are very tight. I would never lay a hand on anybody because you've got that impulse control. Some people lack that, and I think that's where you see all these gropings is then. And this has nothing to do with victim blaming. This is just an observation. It's a hypersexual atmosphere out in public, especially in New York City. I mean, I couldn't believe how sexy the women dress, and they all dress sexy the same way on the same day. I don't know how they do it. They'll all have these shorts on. I saw it one day this year, and I saw at least 50 women with exactly the same shorts and the same ass and everything. And I thought, how did they do that? Did they call each other? Yeah, a meeting. It's got to be. And it'll be another time to be a romper that they're all wearing. Or, you know, and then it's a romper. A romper is, and I learned this from my wife, it's like a jumper except it's, you know, shorts. And I think that's what makes it a romper, and that's certainly, this is where I get confused. I really don't know the difference between a jumper and a romper. But I think that maybe they're calling it a romper now to market it to women who don't like jumpers. You ever see a woman in a short skirt, and then you go, ah, shorts, that's a romper. It's a trick. It fools you, and then you don't have any shot of seeing anything. Does your wife try on clothes for you and wear things just to see if... She knows exactly what I like. She nails it every time. Never has to try anything on. She wears dresses a lot. And my wife looks good in everything. My wife the other day pulled on a pair of swim trunks, plaid swim trunks of mine, put on some slip-on shoes, and I think she's had the same T-shirt on for two or three days. And like a sweatshirt. And it's the best I've ever seen her look. I mean, I don't know what it is, but I just am into her, I guess. I think if you're into somebody, that makes a big difference. Right, and is that pheromones? That's pretty personal. Is it a chemical thing, do you think, that makes you into somebody? Yeah. In part. In part it is. And then in part it's a respect thing, too. In part it's like a... What do you mean, respect? Well, I mean, if you have respect for somebody, respect is very important in a relationship with a man or a woman. And attraction is definitely... You can be attracted to somebody that you don't respect maybe, but then you end up wanting to throw them out the window, like the babies. Mm-hmm. Haven't you ever had that? What? A short-term relationship based on physical attraction. That's why I threw the baby out. Late-term abortion. Um... I was going for a really sick joke. I don't know if I got there or not, but... If it registered with me, I'm not saying anything about it. Okay. Um... Respecting a woman, does that... So what does that mean, respecting a woman? Does that enhance the sex? Hmm. Well, I mean, it has nothing to do with the sex, because the sex is the sex. I think that you can show... You don't express the respect through the sex? Well, you know how in stand-up, if you care too much about your set, that sometimes doesn't go well, you can nail the lines. I think sex is the same way. You have to care enough not to care. And just follow your impulses, you know? And so whatever that is, it's what it is. And if both people are doing that, then I think you... We'll demonstrate this on each other later. Good. But you get the idea. I respect... Can we hear the dog barking, by the way? Yeah. Good. Because we had been talking about... Is it kind of a son of Sam kind of flavor? It's nice. I like to hear the dog barking. The lonely dog. He's going, Shut up down there! But earlier we talked about having sex with the dog, and then all of a sudden there's a dog barking. It's like fate. At what point... Have you ever lived next door to a barking dog? Have I? Yeah. At what point do you stop hating the master and start hating the dog? Immediately. I don't always blame the dog. Do you like dogs? I do. I don't like owning a dog. And I don't like being around a dog all the time or anybody else's dog. But I like them. I mean, they're okay. I mean, a dog is something... In theory I like them. I like their personality. I like their whole mystique. I like the fact that there's different breeds and they have different personalities. Could you, in the future, upload to the cloud a dog's personality and then have it imprinted into a robot that's beautiful, sexy, looks like a woman and have this sexual loving relationship with a female robot. You know, I was having this conversation just the other day. But she has the soul of your favorite dog. I mean, that's the time-honored question, isn't it? That's a very complex question. Would you have... Because men are slowly becoming... They're fixing your thing as we speak. Men are becoming irrelevant, right? Becoming irrelevant. Yeah, women don't need men anymore. We're on the... Yeah, thank you, Alex. Yeah, that's what the feminist caliphate is shooting for. And I think it's a big mistake long-term because, I mean, if you sort of like condition men to be these like sort of, I don't know, beta-peppu-swearing, simpleton servants who are afraid to speak and all that kind of stuff, then I think you breed greater dissatisfaction for yourself as is evidence in the face of any of these Brooklyn mothers, you know, married to some guy with no chin and she's got her little horn-rimmed glasses and she's looking around angrily like, what happened to my life? I thought this would make me happy. Well, you know, you make men afraid all the time and that's no good. It's no good to be antagonistic, you know? And I think that's what that is. I'll never say the men don't need women. Of course you need women. But women... So what... Why would they say that? So here's how I feel. I've said this on the show before. These are the women. You know, I'm a middle-aged man, divorced. That's what all the ladies love. Thanks, honey. So... She doesn't listen to you. No. So now I'm looking at the landscape and I've been in a bubble for 30 years. Yeah. I didn't know what was going on. You had no reason to know. And I didn't care. The less I know about this, the better. Yeah, I mean, I cared about... In all honesty, I cared about Anita Hill and what was going... You know, Lilly Ledbetter and Billy Bedwetter and Equal Pay and that kind of stuff. Sure, sure. And all, you know, women's issues. I cared about the economics of feminism. But it's all a sideshow, by the way. Okay, but... Well, what? Well, the real show is what they're doing with that information. You know, the leverage that they obtain and the changes that women make, you know, for better or for worse, those are just things that happened. You know, those things have gone on forever. Those are not new things. It's that now, I think women have discovered, they can use everything to get more power, particularly if they've been victimized in some way or if they can sell the idea of their victimization. When women don't have that, they're like, it's much harder for them to gain power. Are you allowed to talk this way? Sure. I think. On my show? Look, this is just... Look, I'm a comedian talking out of my ass. Yeah, I mean, that's what happens when you ask somebody things. Can you... Okay, is that... What you're saying is Trumpian... It's reactionary in the true sense of the word, reactionary. It appeals to me because, you know, I'm a struggling heterosexual male and... But is it true? Well, it's undeniable. It's appealing. Absolutely undeniable. I mean, why do you think it's so important that the definition of rape be expanded? It's because rape is actually going down while there's a strong... And I know that... And this is not to discount the work of feminists over the years who have encouraged women to come forward and go to the police, which they absolutely should. Of course. And I'm not pro-rape. Who could be? Who would be? It's disgusting. But I do think that they need the numbers to be high. They want a lot of reporting. They want it in the news all the time. We've talked more about rape in 2016, 2015 than ever before. And there are fewer rapes being committed now than ever before. How do we know that? Well, I mean, I don't know. Maybe there is no way of knowing it, but I'm talking about crime statistics. And they've certainly been used to talk about rape going up, you know, in the past, if there's an uptick. So, I mean, it stands a reason we can... Well, let me ask you a question. Okay. And I'm talking... By the way, I'm not talking about on a small scale, like a woman says she was raped in order to gain power. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that, you know, the caliphate, whoever's in charge of it, whoever's the bin Laden of the situation, I think that thinkers say, you know, okay, it doesn't do us any good if this is not in the news. We need this issue out front all the time. Obama, in 12, in order to gain a larger, you know, portion of the female vote, which he was desirous of and who wouldn't be, campus rape got completely redefined. He just issued a fucking, like a... basically like an order to the college to say, you might lose federal funding if you don't install some kangaroo courts, lower the burden of proof, and expel some guys, you know, and that's what they did. So that's when campus rape became a big issue, because Obama said, go for it. And then... Well, the question is, there are studies that say 40% of women are the victims of non-consensual sex. Well, I mean, all the women I sleep with are victims of consensual or not. Right. Let's face it. But so the same way eight years ago, I knew that there was a problem with black men and the cops. It took eight years and the iPhone for me to say, oh, so that's why black men don't call the cops when there's a crime, because the police will come to their house and make things even worse for the black, especially the black men. Right? Cops are not really good to black men in this country. Well, I'm not anti-cop. And a lot of the cops in the city are black. And a lot of the cops in Chicago are black. That doesn't mean that... We're talking about black men and cops. And yes, black cops can be bad to black men. Black cops are actually studies, if we're going to just say studies, which I'm usually uncomfortable with, studies show that they're more likely to shoot a black guy than a white cop. But there is a problem with... I mean, if we're going to make it racial, the same black guys, you know what I mean? Okay, hang on for one second. The problem is the cops are killing unarmed black men. It doesn't matter if the cops are black or white, what matters, who the victims are, and the victims there are always black men who are unarmed. So it doesn't matter if the black cops... They're not always unarmed. Not every black guy who gets shot is a bad shooter. But statistically, statistically... Well, statistically, more white people are shot by cops than black people. That's true. Because there are more white people in the country, but... But a larger proportion of the crimes are committed by blacks. And I'm not... This is just... I don't have an opinion about that one way or the other. I'm just saying that that is... Certain times of crime. If you go. Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, white guys steal $9 million and don't go to jail. That's not right. Right. You know, crack is a black drug, and cocaine is a white drug. And a lot of the sentencing strawberries and things like that. So with the definition of... We've defined different crimes by race. But let's keep to the topic, because that is a factor in everything. And I didn't... It's almost the point where if you say something, that's just a statistical truth, and it sounds as if... I'm not presenting an opinion, it's racist, right? But as an argument for... What's going on this year, I think, is that the media is... They like black lives matter, you know? Because they want a lot of people to vote Democrats. And look, I'm not... I always have a feeling people think this is coming from a place of like... I'm not trying to influence anybody or anything. This is just a theory I cooked up. But they say, well, we will make a lie out of this. And you see inaccurate reporting sometimes. You see CNN isolating a quote where a woman goes, let's not burn down the neighborhood. And then they cut off the quote. They say, she's pleading for everybody to calm down. And then you see the actual video. She goes, let's not burn down the neighborhood. Let's go to the suburbs and burn that shit down. Okay. Well, now you can't tell me CNN. Oops, oh, we didn't hear the whole quote. It happens. And so why is that? What reason could there be for that? If they're not trying to sell a narrative, it's very much about the media's market driven. And that's the market that they're selling to. Right. One of the reasons I love having you on the show is we don't agree on some things. And you're one of the few people I disagree with who I have on the show. We don't disagree on a lot of things, but we both make room for nuance. But let me ask you two questions and then we'll move on. And by the way, I am fucked up on PCP right now. I know that. Do you believe the numbers indicate that more black men or capital are shot by cops than white men? Are there statistics that Washington Post, not the Justice Department, because they're just beginning, the Justice Department is just beginning to pay attention to police brutality. They don't gather statistics on this. The Washington Post is the only organization gathering up police shootings. Well, that's not true. They've kept track of that. As far as whether a shooting was determined to be... No. But I know that they do it by race. No. Are you joking? No, the Justice Department... They report who committed what crime. There is no national database of cops shooting people. Well, okay, if you say so. I'm not going to dig out my phone. That would be an insult to you. I think we're above that sort of thing. I'm going to take you at face value. This is just a preface question. So there's no national database that the Justice Department or the FBI keeps of police, local police, taking out their guns and shooting people. They don't keep track of that. The Washington Post about two years ago began to keep track of it. And what they're discovering now is there's a preponderance of black men, unarmed black men getting killed by cops. Okay, I mean... So here's the thing about that. Again, I love having on the show and I don't have enough... There are other things we need to talk about. I really don't like to talk about race. It's very much like one of those things where people... If they want to hear a racist, they hear a racist. You know what it is? It goes back to... I'm not talking about you. It goes back to what I was saying about women. I was married in a relationship for 30 years. I didn't know about women. Oh, yes, that's right. And honestly, until some of my daughters began dating, I didn't care. I had other things to worry about. I cared about how women were treated where I worked. But I didn't know what was going on in the dating world in relationships with men. And I didn't care because I do emotional triage. I only have so many hours in the day, so many tears I can shed. I didn't know what women were going through. Really. The same way, eight years ago, I really didn't know what it meant to be a black man in America. You still don't know. You'll never know. Well, thanks to the iPhone, I kind of do. Is there an app where you can make yourself a black guy in a picture because they can't? I'll move on. When I read a statistic that 40% of women say they are the victims of non-consensual sex, which I don't know what that means. To me, that's rape. When I read that, I think, as a man, I go, oh, that's not good. Yes, I would like to believe, in all honesty, I would like to believe that they're lying and men aren't that bad. Well, okay. That works for me. I mean, what can you say? I'm against people having non-consensual sex. I think it's horrible. If 40% of women have had non-consensual sex, then that is truly frightening. It really, really is. Yeah, they always go, I've heard this argument, more men are raped than women. Yeah, but who's raping all these men? Yeah. Well, men. Like it matters. That's way worse. I mean, pick your poison here. You want to get raped by a woman or a man? I heard of a woman who raped a guy and he was driving a truck and he picked her up and she was a hitchhiker and when they left him on the side of the road, they left him handcuffed to the steering wheel. But he wasn't handcuffed with his wrist. The jagged edge of the handcuff was torn through his entire scrotum and fastened to the steering wheel. My understanding is that sometimes rape can get a little violent. Thank God that this is not part of my life. You know what I mean? Like, that's all I can say. I feel for women who are out there dating. I feel for men who are out there dating and as a married man, I've never been happier and my wife and I see 100% eye-to-eye on sex as far as I know. Oh, so you do it in the missionary position? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Eye-to-eye? Yeah, yeah. Or sometimes I'll, if I'm going to do it, I'll pull her hair and she looks into the mirror and I start pointing at her. You. Are you? Then we'll move on. I want to ask you about UFOs. And speaking of UFOs, Alex Jones and... Great American. And Donald Trump. Here's a great American. Donald Trump. Okay, I have the two of them. I get why somebody would vote for Trump. Wow. Yeah, I get it. That's a big stub, Dave. Yeah. I'm not going to vote for him, but I totally get, every time I stub my toe, I want to vote for Trump. And I think there are some people who constantly feel the way I do when I stub my toe. They're in a permanent state of a stubbed toe. That's interesting. You know what makes me want to vote for Trump? When Hillary has a nine-minute coughing fit. I've just been talking so much. You've been off for a week. What's wrong with her? That's... Judy, do you believe? How much of this stuff do you... I saw the speech. I mean, it has something wrong. Okay. I'm a liberal, but I hate liberals. Okay? That makes you a true liberal. I'm a self-hating liberal. If I were going to vote for Trump, it would be because I don't give a crap about the future of the country. I'd rather piss off the liberals. And aren't most Trump supporters... People... Are you a Trump supporter? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I don't support him with money or anything, but I intend to vote for him. But isn't it the same... Your vote for Trump is the same thing as a cat messing with a dead mouse or a dying mouse. You're into the... You want to bat around liberals and play fast and lose with arguments. In fact, because it's fun to make us think, he doesn't believe that. I mean, you get off on people like me going, how can he fucking believe this? Right? That's the fun of voting for Trump. Right? It's fun. That actually is not fun. That actually is kind of condescending. That's sort of like... The guy has a lot of support. He has a lot of... I think he's trying to get your attention. Oh, we have five minutes. Oh, my God. Well, how long have we been talking about Trump? This has not been an hour. Get out of here. We just started. Well, daylight's burning. You know, the thing about Trump, when people do that... You have to keep coming back. You have to keep coming back. Anytime, Dave. Anytime. I'm always thrilled to be here. Thank you. Go ahead with Trump. We have five minutes. I think he's... He's lying to him. Megan Kelly said, Look at all these things you said about women. Trying to shame him about his supposed misogyny or something. And he goes, No, that was just Rosie O'Donnell. That was early. And I thought, Well, that's the closest thing to something I would say. As a comic, you know what I mean? And I just was like, He's got my vote, you know? I was praying for him to get the nomination from there on out. People say he's such a big threat to democracy. Somebody tweeted the other day. He responded to a tweet I did. He's the... Trump is the biggest threat to American democracy since Hitler. So the fact that he got the nomination, in spite of the Republican Party's wishes, proves somewhat that democracy can work. It's not all just like, you know, as the Democratic Party, they certainly pick their winner, didn't they? Debbie Wasserman Schultz. And they just are crooked, both the political parties are. They just couldn't do anything about Trump. And if they could have, they would have. You know, they'd love to have that grumpy old woman, Jeb Bush, you know? Basically, after a couple of bad appearances there, you know, a couple of bad, you know, election primaries or whatever it is they do, it's like, well, if this is who you like, I don't even want to be president. I don't want to be shitting on the crowd, you know what I mean? So, I mean, I think he was the best guy, because he did very well in the primaries. People like him, people want to vote for him. I don't think his policies, the stuff, I don't find the stuff he says all that crazy. I think a lot of what he says makes sense. Mostly, I know that he's a guy, and I think this is the most important thing about being president, when you walk into the room, you're the guy. That's the president. He's tall, he's loud, he's soft-spoken when he needs to be, he can speak off the cuff. I don't think he did a written speech for the first three quarters of this whole campaign. I respect that. When I hear Hilary talk, I see someone with no charisma. I see somebody who can barely say words right now, and she doesn't appear. People don't show up for her rallies. Plus, she's a woman, and she should be in prison. You know, the stuff she does illegal. The FBI director, chiding her in public, and then not indicting her. I mean, it stinks, the whole thing stinks. You tell me, she doesn't know. I didn't notice that they installed an e-mail server in my basement. I don't know what classified e-mails are. I was just the secretary of state. Why wasn't I informed? The whole thing, there's so much more to that, and I'm trying to speak about it as objectively as possible. I don't know. I just like Trump better. And it's almost automatic that somebody like me would, regardless of politics. You're a guest on my show. Thank you. And I'm going to get complaints from my listeners and rightfully so for not arguing with you. Well, it's almost understood. I'm not going to argue. You can just say the opposite of everything you just said. And I want to say I do appreciate your listeners so much because I do think that they're a cut above. I think the New York City Crime Report listeners are better than other people because they have to, with my show and with your show, it's something that is not rock candy all the time. Right. And people who appreciate that, I appreciate you. Thanks for tolerating it. I hope that you're not too disgusted by my comments. No, no, no, not at all. And we have to wrap it up. You guys are really strict on that time. Yeah. But the thing is, I disagree with you about Trump. And boy, is that easy to say. I mean, you know, my mother, you know, I can't, this Trump, I go, ma, come on, it's so easy to pick, you know, get upset about something important. Yeah. Yeah. This is way too easy for us to get upset about Trump. Although I do think if he gets elected and it is conceivable that he's in bed, you know, this guy's like, Manafort or just quit, but this guy from Breitbart, Bannon, is a fascist and the... A lot of bad things are said about fascism. I know. I do believe that any admiration one has for Putin belies a deep-rooted, deep-seated affinity for fascism. And I don't think fascists care who votes for them just as long as somebody's fixing the election. My deepest fear is that fascists steal elections and Trump is the pretty face to an ugly ideology. And, you know, that's a pretty ugly ideology if Trump is the pretty face. So I do feel obliged to say that. Thank you. Back to... I worry that my listeners are in a vacuum and are not hearing all sides of a story. Please don't let me be the spokesman for that side. The one that... Well, I don't know if I represent the regular voter. I think it's very important to hear how your side feels, because they don't really think. Oh, no, you're very wrong about that. I'm very in my head. I'm interviewing Heather McDonald coming up. Who is Heather? Heather McDonald's a fellow at the Manhattan Institute. No, no, the Womanhattan Institute. Yeah, exactly. She would be with the Womanhattan. She can't be a fellow. Herhattan. Herhattan. Yeah, but it's... And she is, you know, a Yale graduate and all that stuff. I read her. It's a very impressive bio-author of many books. And she talks about the 56 most largest cities in America. Crime is spiking in all of them, okay? This is a problem. And it's one of our contemporary problems. She writes about a lot of that stuff. Read something by her, you know, as she writes it. That is an intelligently stated point of view, which is conservative and distinctly anti-liberal. The crime is going down in this country. Violent crime has gone down. Well, not in the 56 largest... Well, look at Chicago. You know, Milwaukee. And in all these cities, it's a disaster. It's an absolute disaster. But overall, overall in this country, violent crime is... You're cherry-picking statistics. I'm not cherry-picking. I'm talking about the 56 largest cities. There's a lot. Just check it out. I mean, we have... There's more murders this year so far than there were all last year. In Chicago. In Chicago. Yeah. You know, cities are... We're not doing that right now. Right. So, but overall, violent crime is down. Fewer undocumented workers are seeping over the border from Mexico. That's an all-time... Isn't it? I don't know. I don't know. To me, that's not... I don't really... A lot of people make a big deal out of immigration. I guess it's a big deal, but I don't follow that. I couldn't tell you how many there are. Well, but you have a president, presidential candidate, who is going to build a wall to stop the influx of undocumented Mexicans. The fact is, that number is declining. Okay. Maybe build a shorter wall. It'll save Mexico money. You got to come back more often. Listen, my UFOs, we were going to discuss... Oh, yeah, we got to wrap it up. Go ahead, yes. Listen. UFOs. The Ray Aliens, Rayliens. Our UFO cult started by a guy named Ray L. You see, his theory is that... I've heard it. Yeah, what... Thousands of years ago, extraterrestrial scientists came and they started life with DNA. And so, those were called the Elohim. And they sent... Elohim means God in Hebrew. Exactly. And there's a lot of connections like that. He connects a lot with Judaism. So there are messengers of the Elohim, Jesus, Buddha, other prophets. They were... The way he states that they give the message that they're ready for at the time. Of course, Christ got crucified at 33. So he says he's the last messenger of the Elohim. And he's here to deliver the message that they want to come visit us. They want to be reunited with us. He wants to build an embassy, possibly in Israel. He's attracted to the Holy Land. He says that's a great place for Rayliens. And they sponsor International Gotopolis Day for some reason. That is their bid to equalize men and women. Equal rights. Women can be topless, okay? And of course, in New York State, that's already happening. They march from Columbus Circle down to 48th Street over to Second Avenue, Dag Hammersgold Park. We shot this, myself, Mandy Stabmiller, and another guy. Is he still alive this guy? Yeah, he's still alive. In fact, I believe I saw him there walking in his suit. And he had to open up his shirt and he had a bra on. So it's all about this equal thing. And there's all these topless women. Some of them are very nice-looking. And some of them are more realistic-looking. And so we have footage of all this. It's just an enormous amount of breasts. And I've been editing this for the last, I don't know, week, you know, since we shot it last, I guess, two weeks ago, and you know what? A week ago, it works. Eventually, I'm not seeing any... It does de-sexualize it eventually to some degree. You can only masturbate so many times while you edit. But anyway, so that'll be an episode of New York City Crime Work coming up. And it's almost turned into... It almost feels like more like a documentary at this point because it's so... It's just so odd. Did he make tapes? Does he have audio tapes? He has a lot of stuff on YouTube. I'm sure he does have audio tapes. He wrote a book called Intelligent Design. And that's what he's putting out there. And so he really... He also has an organization to fix women who have been circumcised. Clitora... I forget what it's called. Anyway, enough of my blather. Clitoral Restoration. Well, yeah. It's an organization that does all that. And cloning is a big deal. There's a lot to it. Obviously, stay away from cults. Are there specific clitoral stem cells? Because if you could like... Let's say you get your ear sliced off in an accident. Can you use clitoral stem cells to grow a new ear? And then would that just feel... Like would you have like this enormous hearing thing on the side of your head that's also just oozing love juices? Mr. Feldman, why are you here doing this when you should be doing this valuable research? You're great. Pat Dixon is the host of the New York City Crime Report. You can subscribe to that on iTunes. It's one of my favorite shows. Thanks so much. And go to crimereport.nyc to read about all the wonderful, bizarre crimes being committed in New York City. You can find all the back episodes, which are also all free. Listen to them at a push of a button. Also, subscribe at the push of a button. And... I said that like I invented the shit. And if you live in Indianapolis, he will be at Crackers, Pat Dixon will be at Crackers, October 26th through the 30th. I hope he comes back more often. If you live in Kokomo, make the trip. It's worth it. And bring your wife, Mandy Statmiller, who writes the Unwifable column for New York Magazine. I will. And to my eternal shame that I didn't, and I got to talk way too much this time. No, it was great. Oh, yeah, well, you know how it goes. Yes. Hey, that's our show. Please subscribe to our show on iTunes. Don't forget to go to DavidFeldmanshow.com and check out past episodes. Do all your Amazon shopping via the DavidFeldmanshow website. Give us a good review on iTunes from the show Briz Studios in downtown Manhattan. That'll do it for us.