 I miss people and I miss just like life, but I also just like I don't know how to do it anymore So it's Saturday. I don't have a specific video like in mind making this, but I am just I don't know I'm just like oh, I feel like I need to talk about this and for For some reason I equated me feeling this way to Doing YouTube because doing YouTube is like very self-reflective like you film a video You know, you're constantly thinking about it because like I was doing two a week Which I'm now going to like, you know one to two a week. It's really my mental health I can like put out better videos, but um I I really was like equating it to that And I guess I guess I like I guess the pandemic too. I don't even know like this is like this is like such a good representation of my brain right now like I Don't even like I don't even know what's going on up here Like sometimes I turn on the camera and I'm like, what am I like? What am I saying? And like looking back to it too, like I just even in my real life, like I don't even know Anyway, this is sort of the point and I don't really like insert this into a vlog or not or make this its own video because It honestly could I don't know. Maybe I'll post this like just a little bit or I'm not sure I Have been having an existential crisis for a year and I think that every single person has You know, if you've been taking this pandemic seriously, like I Don't even know and I'm not mean this like in a bad way. Like I'm not like I'm fine I'm just like like I don't even know like the point or the meaning of life anymore Nothing like I had it figured out before But like I don't even Like when I think about the world opening back up You know, that's I guess it's all we've been thinking about for the past year Is like the when the world when the world opens up, but like now that the world like Slowly is opening up. Like I don't know if I'm ready That sounds so weird. I don't even know but and like I think about going to study abroad next year or going back to Charleston and like mentally like logically I know those things are supposed to Excite me, but I'm also just like I don't know how I don't know if that makes any sense. Like I just don't I don't even know how or what that would mean for my life because like I feel so Empty not empty, but like I think because this year has just been such like an echo chamber of our own Thoughts like in the news and like all of the just tragedy just over and over again And it's just like like I don't even know how to like be a functioning member of society anymore Like even when I make YouTube videos now like sometimes they film it and I'm like, what did I eat? Like why did I make that? Sometimes I think about like going back to like real life after and I'm like oh I posted a lot of really like cringy stuff online. It's not really about that. It's just like a life too And I was talking to my friend who's um in online school right now And I'm her like I did like two months I guess of online school and that was like already too much like I cannot imagine being in In online school student right now. I I commend all I I commend all of you for doing that and like plugging away because I just Like truly because the thought of it just like it broke me and I was just like I can't I can't And I was fortunate enough to have like parents who were completely understanding really yes Like take gap year and they supported my decision in that but like even the thought of like doing school again He's overwhelming the thought of like I don't know and like sometimes and like no I'm fine, but then like other days I wake up, and I'm like I don't know anything I don't know. I just like feel so blind my head, and I just like I don't know. I wanted to like Talk about this and maybe make a video who knows if I'll end up posting it But I feel like sometimes when I'm in these weird moods like I get myself Across in a way that I can't when I'm like with it I'm gonna say that like I'm not with it like it just operated my car, so like I'm fine like that Why did I just say that oh my god? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine But like truly it's just like I'm sure like I like there are some days where I'm like like I got it And then like the weekends hit like I can't stand the weekends Because like I I I work from home. I do my YouTube stuff on Thursday and Friday and like he takes all day like I I have a Another like little job that I do and uh You know that keeps me busy for all day Thursday and Friday And then sometimes the weekend hits and I'm like I don't even know what to do Like and I like even when I see my friends like I feel almost insecure because like I don't have anything to say I Don't know if anyone I don't know I don't know like I just like not that I don't have anything to say because like obviously there's things to talk about like nothing has happened to me in This last year, I don't like nothing has really Changed or like I don't have any stories. I don't have like I don't even know I don't know like I don't even know who I was last year There were things that like I was working towards last year, you know, very like clear Goals that I had like I was really excited to finish school and now I'm like, I don't know if I ever want to finish school Like that just sounds like too much that sounds like too much I always film these like ranty videos in this sweater It's just a mess up here and I and like I am like and I don't know how to I don't know how to function anymore Like I just saw my friend and like we literally just talked about like the Extentiality of life for like an hour and a half pretty much On like a Saturday afternoon Like that's we had nothing like that we were just like and it was so strange because I felt like I was just like Having a conversation with myself because we're all just like going through this like shared drama this year and it's just It's just a bit. It's just so strange. I don't know and like some days I just like really don't like who I've become but then other days I'm like like oh no like you have done like you have done good stuff this year and like I'm like I'm Like it's not like a self like I'm not like I hate myself every day cuz like I don't it's not that like I like I like myself But I just don't like this like blob of a person that I've become like I don't even I don't have any motivation or like Like obviously I have enough motivation to like do YouTube and do my job and stuff like that But like beyond that I'm just like I cannot imagine like going to school every day and like sitting in my Chair and like like I did so much last year like I had a part-time job. I was in clubs I was like, you know, I had a social life like What like I Don't know how I did that like I really just don't and I just like I miss I miss people and I miss Just like life, but I also just like I don't know how to do it anymore You know like I just don't even know how like how do I do that? And I think that it like once this like year mark hit it was just like Oh a year. Oh a year. Like I can't even comprehend Like I can't I don't know I can't comprehend that I don't know I guess I I'm like I'm sure that everyone else is like feeling this way too cuz it's just like I don't even like I'm not like sad or I'm not like This is really happy either. I'm just like I'm just chilling like I don't know. I don't know. It's very this video is very very weird Yeah, if you're watching this video and you've never been to my channel before that's kind of weird Yeah, give this video a like and Subscribe because I post new videos every you know Monday Thursday, and usually they're a lot more fun than this Sometimes they're not sometimes they're a little ranty, but like this is just like I don't know like I'm like I'm good Like you know, I mean like I'm good. I'm just like like I'm not I'm not all there, and I don't know I don't know where she is. That's a good way to put it Thanks for watching