 One of the questions that I receive most about women's issues is the verse 434, the verse that is unfortunately deeply misunderstood from Muslims and those who are not Muslim, who ask about women's rights, especially in the space of the sanctity of the home. And oftentimes verse 434 is translated in a way in the English translation that is very difficult to process as a believing woman or as a believing man who doesn't condone any sort of domestic violence. And so unfortunately because there is a misunderstanding on the translation of this verse at times or the meaning of this verse, Muslims get confused on what it could mean, how do we explain it? And oftentimes we hear things like justifications such as, you know, well, it's okay as long as you don't actually beat someone. And all of that is so far from what the Qur'an actually shares with us in terms of what Allah swt prescribes, what God prescribes for men and women to have a peaceful home that is filled with tranquility and love and mercy. The Qur'an talks about marriage as a place of love and mercy. It talks about dwelling with one another in tranquility. How does that example of the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him who had the most incredible relationships with the mothers of the believers in every single way, whether it was a physical, emotional, sexual, intimate relationship in every single way, that example was one of joy. It was one of healing. It was one in which women were heard. Where do we understand that ideal for what it looks like in a marriage when it comes to this verse? And what does the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him teach us when it comes to the idea of women living in a way that honors her autonomy and a way that honors her individuality in the space of a partnership of a relationship. So to begin, let's look at what the verse actually starts with. The Qur'an says And let me read a translation for you. Men are the caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by God over women and tasked with supporting them financially. And righteous women are devoutly obedient and, one alone, protective of what God has entrusted them with. And if you sense ill conduct from your woman, advise them first. If they persist, do not share their bed. But if they still persist, then discipline them gently. But if they change their ways, do not be unjust to them. Surely God is most high, all great. Now without context, without commentary to understand the meaning of what every single part of that long verse means, it can cause a person a pause. So let's talk about what most of the parts mean, only because every part would take hours. So we're going to take some of the ones that generally cause the most confusion. The beginning, that men are caretakers of women. The verse is using the word qawam. Qawam can be used for men or for women. For example, in another part of the Qur'an, there are two different verses in which Allah says, and the verse continues. And there's another ayah, very similar to it, with slightly different words, but also using the word qawam. And that is standing up for justice. Be persistently standing up for justice. So we know that the word qawam is included with this idea of standing up of someone who strengthens something. Raqib al-Isfahani, he was a scholar of our past, mentions that qawam in this verse is talking about a protector, a strengthener, someone who gives support. And that's the same thing that Ibn Ashur mentioned, someone who stands by and supports something. And specifically for men, al-Qurr to be mentioned, that men provide al-amuni for women and defend them. So when we're looking at the beginning part of this verse, some scholars believe that it means that all men are qawam for all women. All men are supporters, defenders, caretakers of all women. Other scholars, like al-Qurr to be, for example, mentions that it's specifically for husbands and wives, that this verse isn't talking about all men and all women, but specifically in the role of marriage, considering the context of the verse, that it means that husbands are financial, emotional, caretakers, supporters of wives. Why? Now, in order to understand all the other parts of this part of the verse, we actually need to do a tzafsir of different verses. Because in order to get, bima fadlalallahu ba'alahu ma'ala ba'al, we have to look at a verse two verses before. So we're not going to do that today, just because we don't have the time, but we're going to go to the next part, which is wabima anfaqu min amwalihim. And in order to understand this part, we actually still need to take another verse. And that is the end part of an ayah in Sura al-Baqarah, where Allah says, wa liru rijali alayhinna daraja. So upon men, so over women, men have another degree. What is that other degree? What does daraja mean? They have another level? They have another degree of what? Of responsibility towards women. What is that responsibility? Ibn Abbas mentions in what men give to women in the mahar and in financial provision. And this is super important to remember when we talk about this part, wabima anfaqu min amwalihim and what they give out of their wealth. So the Qur'an says in verse 434, that men are qawwem over women. Why? One of the reasons is because of what they give to women over their wealth. Now, part of one of the problems, not problems, but a structural issue when we're looking at marriages, where men are solely responsible for the finances, when it comes to domestic violence, is that women are completely reliant on her husband for her sustenance, for her shelter, for her food, for her clothing, for that of her children's. If she is in a financial, if she is in a emotional, physical, sexually dangerous place and she's being harmed, she often has to choose between having nowhere to go or staying and continuing to experience the harm. And especially if she has children leaving that situation with nowhere to go, especially when I've had women come to me and tell me that their own families do not want them back because a divorce is such a big stigma in their culture. And that's not something we see during the time of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. The companions of the Prophet, peace be upon him, would get divorced simply because they didn't get along with their spouse, just because they were not emotionally compatible, just because they didn't really feel like they loved each other. Which of course, that's not to say we shouldn't encourage therapy and we shouldn't encourage support systems, but the point is it wasn't a stigma. Companions of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, would get married, divorced, widowed, and remarried. And that was the case of Asma bin Umayz, who was a huge companion, radiallahu anha, who when Umar radiallahu anhu went in and saw that she was sitting with Hafsa, his daughter, radiallahu anha, and he was like, who is this? To Hafsa and Hafsa was, and then he realized, oh, she's the woman who came with the ship because she migrated from Mecca to Abyssinia, and then she migrated from Abyssinia to Mecca, excuse me, to Medina. And Umar radiallahu anhu told her that we got here first, we migrated with the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, before you did. And that's not his exact statement, but his point was that we have more of a right to the Prophet than you do. And she is looking at Umar radiallahu anhu, who is physically a very large man, who is guaranteed paradise, who is a commander, who becomes the Khalifa of the Muslims. And yet she doesn't say, oh, I shouldn't say anything back because he is a man. She didn't say, I shouldn't say anything back because he is so pious. She is upset that he applied that they do not have as much of a right to the Prophet, sallallahu alaihi wa sallam. And so when she got upset, she said that she was you, Umar radiallahu anhu, and your companions were with the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, while we were far, while we were hungry, while he, sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, mentored the companions, and he provided with the companions and they didn't get all of that. So she went to the Prophet, peace be upon him, and she told him what Umar radiallahu anhu said, and the Prophet, peace be upon him, replied with that Umar radiallahu anhu and his companions do not have more of a right over the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam. That the people of the ship, the asmah and the people of the ship, they migrated twice and Umar radiallahu anhu and his companions only migrated once. So the people of the ship have doubled the reward. The people who migrated with asmah have doubled the reward of the migration. And so because of her agency of voice, her voicing how she felt, not only was Umar radiallahu anhu taught, but the policy, the way that people interacted with these companions shifted. And Abu Musa al-Ashari, a great companion would come over and over to asmah radiallahu anhu, asking to narrate this hadith again and again. But asmah radiallahu anhu, first she was married and then when her husband was killed in battle, she got married again to Abu Bakr radiallahu anhu. And she was there as Abu Bakr radiallahu anhu was in, you know, sick as he was dying. She was taking care of him. And when Abu Bakr radiallahu anhu passed away, she then later got married to Ali radiallahu anhu. The point is that the companions didn't see a woman who was widowed or divorced as some sort of stigma. It wasn't part of that culture, the Islamic culture. Unfortunately, and many Muslim majority cultures, it is a stigma today. So much so that women stay in marriages even when they are physically, emotionally being harmed. Now what this means in terms of a why this is important in terms of being men being financial providers is because of this. Number one, why does Allah give men that responsibility? Women have the incredible gift that Allah has given women the power and the vulnerability of bringing new life into the world. This is something that only women are honored with. Now many women are never going to become mothers. Many women struggle with infertility. Many women don't want to be mothers. But we're talking about Islam addresses societal structures. In a societal structure, women who especially choose to become pregnant, who especially are finding themselves pregnant in a marriage and are now looking at the fact that they may not be able to work as they used to. Maybe they've already spoken, let's say a couple speaks to get married. They choose that they're both going to be working and that's something that they decide. Both the man and the woman both want to work in their marriage. Totally fine. Still, her money is her money. If she chooses to give part of that money to the marital home, then that's sadaqah from her, that's charity from her. And in some of the medhub, she can also put in a contract where he has to pay her back at some point so that she can receive the money back even if she gives it. So let's say they get married and they decide that they both want to contribute to the household, but then she gets pregnant and she is finding herself unable to physically work and be pregnant at the same time. Many women can work and be pregnant at the same time. No problem. That's awesome. But many can't. They have high risk pregnancies. They have severe morning sickness. Whatever the reason, maybe she chooses after she gives birth that she wants to stay home and be with her baby. She doesn't have to choose that from an Islamic perspective. She doesn't have to. She and her husband can agree to what they would like to do together. But let's say that's what she wants to do and that's what she and her husband have agreed upon. Now she is not required to have to work so that she can take care of herself when she's pregnant. She can take care of the baby when she has the baby. She can choose to take care of her children if she wants to. Again, this goes back to their relationship and they have a conversation about what their home is going to look like. But this provision of the husband being financially responsible gives her the option on what she's going to do when she's going through that process. Now we're talking about a husband who is not a Nash's husband, who we're going to talk about in a second. We're talking about a husband who is supported, who is financially caring. The reason for the Mehar, as Ibn Abbas mentioned, one of the reasons is to make sure that a woman has her own financial safety plan. When you look at the concept of the Mehar, a lot of times many cultures see it as something symbolic. A copy of the Qur'an, a jar of honey to sweeten our relationship. Some look at it as a symbolic gesture. Others look at it as something that's culturally seen as women in this culture typically ask for $10,000 or $20,000. It's a typical number that the culture accepts. Sometimes you hear comments like, oh, that family is so expensive to marry into their family. Their daughters ask for such a great Mehar. But regardless of what the culture says about the Mehar from an Islamic standpoint, the Mehar has ways to be given so that it provides financial stability for a woman in marriage. So she has her own money and also out of marriage in case there is a divorce. So for example, she can choose to say she wants, I'm going to put a random number of $10,000. So let's say she says $10,000 and a husband and a wife are right now just out of college. He doesn't have $10,000 to his name. But she can ask for a muqaddam and a mu'akhar, which means beforehand, before they get married, she can ask for $100 with the promise that every month she's going to be receiving a certain amount of money from that Mehar, that marriage gift, until the next however many years that they're able to fulfill the contract. If he divorces his wife, this Mehar becomes a debt that he owes her. So even in the case of a fesch, which is for example, if a woman is experiencing domestic violence, she can receive a fesch, which is the dissolution of her marriage. It is a debt that he needs to pay her that money. So she is not ever financially completely dependent on his mercy when there is a situation that he is not fulfilling his due. Also, in terms of the Mehar, beyond the Mehar, some scholars talk about her being able to, let's say she chooses that she doesn't want to work. She wants to be a housewife. She wants to be a stay-at-home mom. That's her choice. That's what she wants to do before they get married. They make that decision. She can sign a contract with her husband, some of the scholars say, for asking that her cooking and her cleaning, which is not considered a requirement by many scholars that she has to do in the marriage, that she can be paid for these acts. So the point is that even a woman who is a housewife and a stay-at-home mom has her own financial pocket that if she's in a situation where she is no longer safe in her marriage and she doesn't have her family to go back to, she has her own money that she's not dependent on anyone else for. Now, of course, the right Islamic marriage with a husband correctly acting appropriately is taking care of his family, even after a divorce, taking care of making sure that his children have everything that they need. But that's not the reality of our communities. And in an Islamic system, she should have either her father or her brother, which she doesn't always have, to support her. And in that case, the Islamic court system is supposed to provide for her from the Treasury. That doesn't always, that's not realistic, not in America, not in so many places that we live in. So that's why it's so important for us talking about our reality to know from an Islamic standpoint, she has the right to have her own money that she receives even as a housewife for cooking and cleaning, for breastfeeding her own child. These are all ways that she can receive financial support for, financial independence for. And also, when looking at this, women should invest that money. Dr. Tamara Gray, the sheikh who founded Robert Law, she talks about a woman that she knew in Syria who took the mahar money that she received, and she invested it in buying a taxi and hiring a driver. And so every month, he made money as the driver, and she received an amount. And so that mahar that started as a certain amount only grew in, in, in expanse. So being able to equip women in our communities to know that when you go into a marriage, of course, we pray that it's so wonderfully financially secure, but also from an Islamic perspective, you have these rights so that you know that you have a den of money. And that could simply be because you want to keep giving in charity. It could be because you want to buy extra things that go beyond the family budget. But it's so that you know that you have something for yourself. Now, in addition to having this discussion on finances, it's important to talk about what kind of a husband the Islamic marriage paints. Because when we look at the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, who of course was not, by any means, prosperous financially, the mothers of the believers lived very frugally. The Prophet peace be upon him was so hungry that he put rocks on his stomach. So we're not talking about the ideal man having, you know, billions of dollars living in the Bay Area. We know that two income households are, are, are essential for the majority of, of inhabitants of the Bay Area. It is impossible to live on one income for most families in the Bay and for many cities all around the world. And Islam has conversations on what that looks like, even that situation in marriages. I'm going to close that section on finances only because there are other parts of the verse to get to. But the point is that a husband isn't required to provide lavishly unless actually I'm not going to get into that. Sorry, that's a different discussion too. There are discussions on that as well. But the point is that of course we hope that a husband and a wife live together with love and in harmony. But there are going to be cases in which that's not realistic. And Islam addresses that. So the next part of the verse talks about different qualities of a wife and the scholars debate whether this is qualities that she shows to Allah or if this is quality or these are qualities that she shows to her husband. But after that section, which we don't have time to get into, we're going to get into new shoes. And what is new shoes? This part of the verse is connected with Darb. Darb is often translated as beat or strike lightly. So who is this talking about? A woman who commits new shoes. Those you are certain, those you are absolutely certain have committed new shoes. What is new shoes? Let's talk about what the scholars say. What new shoes is from the husband to the wife. Because it will make more clear what is new shoes from the wife to the husband. So Ibn Abidin and many other scholars from all of them say different things. They say cursing her if a husband curses his wife. If he verbally abuses her for the smallest of reasons. If he avoids being intimate with her for no reason when she wants intimacy. Making her life difficult with regards to food and drink and clothing. Showing a lack of respect and joking on her expense. Backbiting her. Making fun of her. Taking a trip for fun without consulting with her first because it impacts her. Hating her and making life difficult for her. Boycotting her. Irritating her. Abusing her. Not speaking to her. Turning his back to her in bed. And obviously in any way physically harming her. So we can see that from the Maliki's to the Shaqi's to the Hambadis to the Hanafis. All of them have different interpretations of what a man who is considered nashes does to his wife in ways that harm her. And that can range from hating her to being emotionally or physically or sexually abusive to her. It's very important to mention verbally. I hope that maybe we caught on to how many times they said making fun of her. Boy backbiting against her. Those are considered acts of her husband harming her. Islamic law doesn't just take into account physical harm. It also takes into account emotional harm. So when the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him says that there's no harm and there's no reciprocation of harm. There are so many examples of that meaning and including emotional harm. Sometimes women say oh it's not that bad. He doesn't hit me. Oh it's not that bad. He's not he's not you know panala actively physically harming her. But emotional harm is great. That's psychological dam psychologically damaging. Children see that and they grow up thinking that that's normal. And that's far from acceptable from the Islamic standpoint. So when we see what the husband looks like when he's committing new shoes. Now let's look at the verse when it talks about a woman committing new shoes. This means that from Imam Shafiari he explains that when she is committing new shoes it means it's not in retaliation to him doing something to her. Many times in a marriage a husband does something a wife reacts. A wife does something a husband reacts. The wife does something the husband is upset he reacts. The husband does something the wife is upset she reacts. It's a constant reaction to something someone did and that's the general feeling in the house. You don't feel the type of tranquility that the Quran talks about. This is not new shoes. This Imam Shafiari says a woman who does something in a marriage not in retaliation to something her husband has done. And she wants to stay in this marriage because again divorce is always an option. She can ask for a khazr which is her asking for divorce. So it's not because she doesn't want to stay in the marriage she wants to stay in the marriage and it's not in retaliation to him but she does different actions that cause harm and threatens their marital space. Now when that happens the Quran provides three options on what to do. It's a step by step process but first in order to understand that process we have to go to the context in where this verse was revealed. This verse was revealed in as we know the society of the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him in which women were from a culture that used to be buried alive. Baby girls would be born and they would be buried by their own fathers with the consent at times of their mothers. We're looking at a society in which women were married 20 to 30 women at a time to one man in a culture in which women were inherited like property because they were seen as property. Omar said that we used to think of women as absolutely nothing until what Allah revealed of what he revealed and divided what he divided. So we're talking about a society which literally saw women as nothing and in this society we know that Dorb and in this context which I'm going to say which was an actual physical beating was seen as not simply acceptable because Ibn Ashur who is a commentator of the Quran and he talks about a woman in this time period saw hitting physical domestic violence as acceptable. Obviously when you're from a culture that sees you as property you would look at it as acceptable but also we need to realize that it wasn't simply acceptable it was seen as manly it was seen as chivalrous. How do we know that? Because we look at Arabic poetry before the Quran was revealed and in Arabic poetry before the Quran was revealed we have the story of a mother who's giving advice to her daughter and she's saying that you are going to get married go into your new marital home take the weapons of your husband break them in half throw them all over the floor and see what his reaction is if he does not physically beat you for breaking all of his weapons and throwing them on the floor his you know tools of manhood then he is not going to defend you do you see how this mother saw it to her daughter that if he doesn't physically beat you for uh challenging his manhood then he's not going to defend you outside of his own home. So the way that they saw this was a sign of her of a husband having this prowess not only to defend internally the home but as well as externally. So what does the Quran do? The Quran comes and limits and uh uh I just forgot the word in English uh gets rid of is the gets rid of domestic violence. How so? Looking at a society in which even women saw this as something chivalrous to those women especially particularly amongst the Bedouins ibn Ashulah mentions. The Quran comes and gives guidelines on what needs to be done before even enacting the concept of dhurb and we're going to get to what that means. The first one is that a husband needs to communicate to his wife how he is feeling. The first one is that they speak to one another. Now ibn kithir who is a great commentator of the Quran he mentions that a husband and a wife must live with one another in mawadah and rahma as the verse that is on like every wedding card mentions. mawadah is not I mean love of course it is love but it's not just love it's active love it's love in action. mawadah actually means actively showing love the five language the five love languages which are so famous it is actively showing love through every sort of love language mawadah is active love and ibn kithir mentions that if he's not going to live with her in love then at least it needs to be in mercy because there are going to be times that a couple continues to live together even when they hate each other but it needs to be done with mercy that life together needs to be with mercy. So scholars mention that the first part of responding to the act of nushus from a husband to a wife is by talking to her with gentleness not yelling at her not screaming at her not cursing her saying I have seen you do such and such are wrong and can you please stop. So literally mentioning the exact issue and asking her to stop now if that doesn't work it goes on to the next step and the next step is that he's supposed to leave the marital bed now many couples already are not intimate with one another so that could be a relief to her but the point is that it's supposed to move from communicating and that takes time it's not I tried this in the morning and by the evening he's going to turn away in bed it takes time which means the anger the hurt the frustration by this time unless it's an act that is continually happening it should have calmed down the second step is walking away from the marital bed again by this time it should have calmed down but let's say it hasn't let's say it's persisting what is the third point this is Dorb now Dorb is understood by scholars in two different ways some look at it as a physical action and others look at it as an emotional reaction so the physical action of Dorb Dorb has so many different meanings in Arabic it can mean to travel or to depart it could mean to block or to prevent it can mean to neglect and to abandon it could mean to make the truth and falsehood to make truth and falsehood evident and just doing extinguishable it can mean to cut or to strike or to slash or to slap it could be to separate and even more so Dorb itself has so many different meanings now the scholars who look at Dorb and say it's a physical meaning restricting the concept of Dorb in the society that it was revealed in talk about the conditions for it and this is very triggering to talk about for anyone who is involved with any sort of work or who has experienced domestic violence because even with the conditions which mean it cannot leave a mark it cannot be on the face it cannot leave a bruise or a red mark it cannot cut the scholars like Ibn Abbas for example he took a shoelace and he went like this or a miswak other scholars say the end of a garment is what is supposed to be used to do Dorb other scholars say to take a a pack of wadded up napkins and that's what Dorb is so if you take the end of a garment or a pack of wadded up napkins and you take that and you hit someone or yourself it's not painful when you do this but it's still emotionally humiliating it's still hurtful just the concept of it can be harmful and that is why scholars say that if this even with all these conditions even if it's symbolic even using the end of a garment or a bunch of napkins even if that could be emotionally humiliating it could embarrass her it could cause her not to want to come back to the relationship because this verse is meant to reconcile between spouses the purpose of the verse the objective is reconciliation how do we know that because this is a woman who is not reacting to her husband who wants to stay in her marriage but is doing something which we didn't talk about actually all the conditions of what new shoes is because it can range for so many different things but the point and I'm so sorry just because we're this is just like a truncated version of the tipsy but the point is that this is a marriage they both want to stay in they want to reconcile between one another we tried communication we tried a symbolic gesture of sorry of leaving the bed now even if this is a symbolic gesture imam and now we so many different scholars like sheikh Jamal Suleiman there are so many scholars of our past who said even if emotionally it would harm her this symbolic act it is haram to use it is prohibited al-halqabi al-maliki it is prohibited it is haram to use this part of the verse if it doesn't make a woman feel like she wants to reconcile with her husband now ibn ashur again the scholar that we mentioned earlier he says that sometimes in some societies men are not going to have spiritual connections with god they are not going to have physical restraint they are going to see this verse and they are going to say that it gives them the right to hit their wife without thinking about all of the commentary we just discussed and in that case the authorities must make an edict that no man is allowed to use this verse because men will not have the ability to discern how they can use it in a way that reconciles between their family versus doing it out of anger because gharb out of anger is haram gharb out of emotional frustration is haram it's supposed to be a tool of reconciliation which in our context might not make any sense but the quran is forever it made sense in their culture it might make sense in another culture that exists right now in our time it might make sense in a culture 500 years from now the quran is forever but if it doesn't make sense to our context to our family unit scholars have said it is impermissible to use because the point is reconciliation if it's not going to bring back a couple back together it is not permissible to use this part of the verse now even saying all of that a desuki who is a maliki judge from like hundreds of years ago he had cases of women who would come to him complaining of domestic violence and what he would issue is that the husband of this relationship would be physically beaten because of him physically beating his wife so the ret the retribution was to physically assault the husband to realize the pain that he has caused his wife and of course a woman has a right for a fuss she's already in front of a judge she has the right to ask for the dissolution of a marriage and in that case the the even if she doesn't have the financial support of whether it's the ex-husband or the family to provide for her in whatever the situation is it's always situational then there's always the court who can require that she has a stipulated amount of wealth that she's given so she's not financially left alone but the point is even if this aya is looked at as a symbolic tap even if it's an emotional even if it causes emotional wounds it's not allowed to be used and the other understanding of this verse is from al-qa' ibn abir abah who is one of the foremost scholars of the tabi'een who came right after the companions and he is a student of ibn abbas who was considered the commentator of the quran of the companions and he mentions that this verse is not to be understood physically because the prophet muhammad peace be upon him as aisha mentioned never harmed a woman he never hit a woman he never hit a servant the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam said by what right does one of you hit your wife by what right the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam never hit a woman he never sanctioned for marriages the prophet sallallahu wasallam didn't did not appreciate for marriages to look like this and he said that the best of men are not like this and these are just summarizing the ahadi so this is not from the example of the prophet peace be upon him so al-tawha's understanding of this verse is not a physical one it's that it means to show that he's angry by expressing his emotional anger and to separate himself to walk away to separate himself from his spouse and finally the end of this ayah ends with inna allah allah sapanu wa ta'ala mentions two of his names that he is inna allah kana ali and kabeera the most high and all great why ibn kafir mentions that allah ends this verse with these two names he is the most high he is higher than anyone who chooses to abuse their partner because abuse is not about her doing something wrong it's not about her messing up it's about power and control it is him losing not losing it is his it is it is an abuse of power and control and so when a man feels himself so high and mighty who is higher than him allah when it's about power and control who has more power and control allah who is greater than this man it is allah so allah sapanu wa ta'ala is ali and kabeera the most high and the all great and in that context ibn kafir the commentator of the quran mentions it means that allah is the wali of woman allah is the one who supports woman allah is the one who's got the back of woman this is a threat it is allah threatening men that if they use this concept in a way that harms the relationship that allah sapanu wa ta'ala is on the side of woman and note that when we're talking about this aya there are verses of the quran like pray establish prayer gives a cat go for hajj they are rulings they're religious rulings that must be implemented this verse is not a legal ruling it is a cultural ruling there are verses of the quran that are not legal but they are cultural what does that mean it means that woman can put in their contract that they do not want someone to implement a particular type something the next verse uh i believe is the verse immediately after this yes um that allah sapanu wa ta'ala says to bring people from both parties of their families or other people who can kind of be mediators who can be um you know therapy go to therapy find people in your family who can support you to process your pain go to professionals the quran literally talks about different forms of mediation and the verse immediately after this but we look at the example of atika radi allahu anha she was the wife of aamir radi allahu anhu when she got married to aamir she stipulated in her marriage contract that he could not physically harm her and then after he passed away radi allahu anhu she got married to a zuber radi allahu anhu she put in her contract radi allahu anha to zuber that he cannot physically harm her if this verse was about physical harm can you put in your contract something that goes against the quran no so that means this verse isn't about physically harming someone because woman amongst the prophet peace be upon them themselves put in their contract it is not permissible to harm me in their marriage contract itself so when we look at the whole system of islamic law there are so many ways in which women are supposed to be cared for supported that woman can choose if she wants to work or stay home and be with her children and she has the support to do that but if god forbid there's ever a situation whereas woman have approached me and told me that her husband has put a knife to her neck and she went to her local imam and he said go home and pray and be patient and try to seduce him i was sick to my stomach hearing this because unfortunately so many of our amazing individuals and religious leadership have been trained in different areas of filq but not in this one and that's why it's so important to realize when you talk to a scholar and they are not able to give you 700 interpretations of what something means maybe that's not their field maybe their field is in the filq of something else maybe their their focus has been in a different part of islamic law islamic law is enormous we have lawyers or immigration lawyers we have lawyers for companies we have lawyers for everything islamic law has fields in every part so when we hear people of knowledge maybe making a statement that sounds terrifying maybe that's not their field or maybe they're quoting someone who held that particular opinion but there are scholars who have so many opinions that reflect the axioms of islamic law which are the sanctity of life the sanctity of of of of intelligence the sanctity the preservation of family of faith of so many different parts of an individual's being because islamic law cares for our physical self our mental self our intimate selves and our spiritual selves and that's why a verse like this is intended to bring peace to a family and if ever not seen like that then remember the next verse which are different ways for a family to come back together with the support of people and i know that we have inshallah dedicated a little bit of time for questioning so i'm going to end here Subhanallah and thank you so much for this wonderful overview of verse 434 subhanallah and and just mashallah how much protection we get you know with the physical the emotional the you've just kind of nailed it but unfortunately in the reality of things and this is kind of why nisa exists is because of course it's just ignored most of the time you know that's the reality of the situation but of course subhanallah the Quran is a blueprint for us and we know that we are protected in every possible way and you mentioned mashallah you've pretty much covered everything that i could possibly have thought of asking you but the last few moments you've just mentioned subhanallah this is something that comes up very often what does it mean to be patient like you said many people will just send people women away and say you know be patient it will be okay just just sit back and i'll let it's there for you right just be patient with the situation and it will get better for you what does it mean to have subhanallah and how can we proactively have that patience patience is not allowing someone to be you or to physically and emotionally consistently neglect and harm you and then making dua and then wondering why Allah isn't answering your daa many times when we tell women just pray harder they don't wonder what's wrong with their situation and what change they should make of course it's already very difficult to be in that situation many times they have they have experienced years of psychological trauma sometimes they come from backgrounds where maybe that was the reality of their family and now they're going through it with their own nuclear their own husband and their new nuclear family and so when they're told to be patient and pray they're wondering why isn't Allah listening to me they start questioning why are my daa not being answered is it because i'm not a good enough believer she's not a good enough believer as she's being beat as she's being psychologically constantly being told that she's all of these disgusting things that she's been told and and it's because Allah's not answering her no it's because when we make dua we also need to take action and it is very hard to tell a survivor a victim that you need to take action and we shouldn't have to put it on her to be the one to take action because it shouldn't be happening in the first place but the reality is that when someone comes to us and they tell us i mean subhanallah when they tell us that they're going through this us telling them be patient is never the answer ever we should never say you need to be patient what we should say is how can we support you by giving you all of these resources here is nissa's hotline here are all the other resources that you can have and my my response to you is how can i be patient me as a supporter of you in helping you explore your options so that we can figure out what is the best path for you to take of course we need to take into account the fact that there may be children in the home and i've had women who are being physically being regularly who are hiding in the bathroom so that her husband doesn't harm her these are so real i hear from cases like this a woman who have approached one person after another who are simply told to hold on hold on for what for the sake of their children for the sake of their children not to have a broken home this is not a broken home you being physically be your children being physically be is not a broken home for them to see that they're their their their father that this is acceptable that they deserve this what we need to do as a community is as a community we need to have patience as we change the structures of our community so that when we have hoots buzz when we have regular community discussions when we overemphasize with you know of course modesty is so important in our religion but the obsession over hijab we need to have patience in changing that narrative so we are obsessed over ensuring that women and men are not ever in a position when they are victims of domestic violence and we know that even men are victims of domestic violence in our own community we know that boys are our victims of sexual abuse in our own community and they can't tell anyone because they are men and so when we change that culture for our entire community and we have patience through that change then we can create a community which honors men and women who are going through this which honors the children who are going through this and who can support them through this process so i recommend for a person who ever is told to be patient to turn that question back around and to ask them are you going to be patient while you are being would you be patient and what would you what would you do because really no woman no man no child should ever be in a situation where they are told to be patient for being being that is absolutely unacceptable in islamic law it is unacceptable in in american law it is simply unacceptable in front of all those comments thank you mariam i appreciate that we have a question in the chat box actually from saha who is our program manager i don't know if you're able to see it of course she says i mean we greatly appreciate you clearly describing the rights and responsibilities of couples especially of course you know husbands and wives and and how sort of 434 talks about and outlines the family relations in particular the relationship offer husband and wife like you had mentioned in the event that these guidelines are not followed which is unfortunately the case in so many so many and this is of course when this comes in what resources and are available for women to obtain support from the Muslim leadership with matters of divorce children financial support and she's obviously been with nissa for since 2006 and we do find it very difficult to leverage in the right resources when we are in in you know in cases of domestic violence unfortunately as of course as you're seeing the visibility of nissa is growing so are the needs and they've always been there of course we've got those women subhanallah who are brave enough to leave the home and and and and you know we we keep them in the shelters or you know they're able to kind of leave that situation but many the majority do not like you said they hide in bathrooms they still endure the pain the suffering so you know just kind of brainstorming almost like of course we want to be more visible we want people to know that this place exists nissa does exist but how can we even make it more accessible of course leveraging in more professional support because this is not just for people who want to do good in an organization we really do like you said have the right kind of support for these women and children in particular like you said subhanallah our resources are now we are you know reaching out to those children as well we're trying to support them in the best possible way that we can um but in an ideal situation or i mean what would you recommend what would you suggest mariam it's you know one of the challenges is that everything is being built from the ground up right now and the ground for the muslim community often looks like spaces where women are not even necessarily welcome into the masjid or if they are welcome into the masjid they are afterthoughts there are massaged many massaged um where mashallah they have you know large women sections and they have facilities for women to be supported but their needs are not reflected on the board composition and even having women on board positions their voice is not often held with as much weight as the men's voice on those boards and so that of course impacts the policy of the masjid which creates community culture when we have policies we create culture when our culture is not reflective of the needs of the attendees of the masjid space of the muslim community when we are not able to come to the masjid when we are going through the millions of things that young people go through right now from depression to suicide attempts to struggling with their identity in every single way to being abused by their own family members there are a million a million struggles that young people face that woman face that men face in our community that are not being reflected in the khutbaz which are consistently recycling the same things a lot of times when they come to women they often have to do with the importance of modesty marriage and motherhood which are so beautiful and so wonderful and so important but literally not everything that a woman goes through and so when that is the community narrative it does become so much more difficult to include conversations on domestic violence because it's seen like the exception and not the rule and we pray that it's the exception and not the rule but the problem is even when it's the exception we don't have systems of accountability to to support the process so without the systems of accountability in place because there isn't an urgency felt because it's not reflected in even the most basic day weekly conversation of the muslim community then where do we expect how do we expect like the Khalil Center or Peaceful Families Project or Amal's Shelter or Maristan with Dr. Rania Wedge Rania Wedge mental health program like organization all of these programs are seen as resources instead of pillars and what we need to do is shift the way we have these conversations so that they are literally pillars that as we you know financially support Masajid we hold Masajid accountable and we ask them how are these organizations integrated into your message that this donation to this message actually is conditioned upon this organization receiving this much starlight spotlight focus in this many hotels a year in this many programs a year the point is that right now we don't live in the Islamic law system where we have judges and we have courts and we have places we have organizations we have the police and we have organizations for the muslim community and the police is a very difficult just different discussion completely because of course then we have to talk about all of the realities of power and oppression and race and that impacts black muslims in our community it impacts so many muslims in our community so on one hand we have a structure in Islamic law which is supposed to support these things but we don't have that so we have organizations to rely on and we are not supporting our organizations because they're simply an organization to go to for support versus they need to be part of the pillar of the community and in order to do that we have to shift the way that we look at the function of the masjid and the community in general which again goes back to suburb that's a very long process and I wish that I had more of an answer to that but no that's you know that's that's beautiful my name honestly that's very it's very valid what you've just said and absolutely just collaborating more with these organizations that are set up there's definitely more than you know it's more than an amazing start to do that and we are definitely doing a lot more outreach and connecting more to professionals who can help in these situations but absolutely the the dialogue needs to be a lot more current we need to you know speak at the community level speak with massages and humbly we have been pushing for that more more outreach there's definitely a need for it but humbly like you know it's not like I said it's not a problem that just exists with within a certain community it's a global issue it's something that you know affects women and men like you said and children and on on some level and like I said yes I'm sorry can I just ask a follow-up question um so like um this is so I you know I what I I think what um but I usually look for and that's where I get stuck is when uh when I have a client who's seeking support filing for an Islamic divorce and when she you know reaches out to the resources that are available there's a lot of you know I guess dismissing of the DV and and and I've had a few clients who are really you know devastated by the process of how difficult it was um to obtain that so I guess I wanted to know do you know of any you know any organization resource that I would be able to refer refer these ladies to who will have an understanding of DV and help them file for an Islamic divorce currently I actually have two three clients who are actually searching for that the only organizations that I personally know of um are your organization and ML's um ML's shelter um as well as the peaceful families project and Marist on Khalil center those are the only ones that I know of and I know that many of them work with imams and they work with sheikhs so that they're able to help facilitate the process of course um uh swiss which is suhebweb.com imam suhebweb used to be the imam of um the mca and uh mashallah you know these are these are imams who are on the forefront of supporting women in helping them process issues like this um and and alhamdulillah that we have so many of them in our community but as you mentioned we also have so many who who dismiss domestic violence and I think that's partly because they just really have this is not their field which is not an excuse I don't know if you should be an imam I mean like the thing is the problem is we we make the imam the the the judge the Islamic in the Islamic system he has become the judge the Muslim therapist he's become the psychological counselor he's become everything when he's his real you know focus should be the spiritual lens which of course all of those things are impacted by that but they're not he's not supposed to be the judge the executioner of the jury he's not supposed to be all of it but in our community he has become that because we don't have the system set up for it and so I think part of the process and I don't know personally to provide any other resources than the ones I mentioned unfortunately I wish I did and that's just my own fault it's not that they don't exist perhaps more do exist um and sheykh aranya awad is maybe a great resource in shala because of her specialty and her work in this field especially looking at mental mental health in the Muslim field in the Muslim community and doing so much research on that but I think the point is that we need to move away from a a structure in which nissa is coming and saying let me introduce myself to your masjid where instead the masjids are we are we are outreaching and we are bringing in all these organizations the onus of responsibility shouldn't be on an organization to come in and say let's provide our resources every message to say this is this is so critical in our community our imam is not trained for this because most imams are not and that's not a fault on the imam they were never supposed to be all of these things and instead here is the process that we have in place that we are working with lawyers social workers and we are working with uh we are working with organizations that explicitly do this work to have a streamlined process on what a woman goes through we don't have that right now we have you know women who are coming to you may Allah bless you so much for therapy and then not knowing where to go after that because we just don't have that system and that's I think that goes back to the fact that we don't we're not reflecting the needs of our community yet and inshallah we will one day um it's a process to get there and and I'm as angry and frustrated as you are in that process we're you know very grateful I know we're at 11 05 literally now um I I just want to honestly just from the bottom of my heart say thank you so so much for joining us and imparting really such amazing knowledge I've learned so much I've taken notes as as I've been listening to you um so kind of so much of this that honestly um things get misinterpreted along the way you know people have their own ideas about things but mashallah you just went right into it in so much detail and depth and um you honest like I said um you answered questions that I had and you just kind of knew and you just um mashallah just went above and beyond and and I really really do value your time you've been with us today um I I know that inshallah hopefully in the future we can have you back again inshallah in honor of speaking but thank you so much for just carving time out for for us today and speaking with us and being so beautifully prepared and um just so sincere and genuine with how you communicated everything so just out of the head and I can't really thank you enough no no it was such an honor thank you for the work that you do mashallah there the work you do is so important and both of you like panel your entire organization you're asking me like what are the resources and I'm like Nissa is the resource I give everyone so may Allah bless you may Allah reward you make your work so successful make your work completely unnecessary and and facilitate the best uh for for you thank you so much for having me