 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of johnthass.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, The Five Common Ways Women Push Men Away, and you're going to want to hear the fifth one. All right, really quickly, before we get started, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I could be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Also my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love, and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a contrarian, so much of my advice is contrary to public opinion. So weed out what feels right for you, and if it doesn't, that's okay too. All right, let's talk about those five common ways women push men away. And number four is run, run, run, run, run for us men. All right, I do have to say something. As a woman watching this, I am pretty sure that you are tired of hearing that it's always your fault. It's always the women's fault. It's always why women need to figure out what men are doing, and why aren't men doing the work? Why aren't men doing the personal development work, the self-help work, and spiritual work? Why aren't men reading books on relationships? I can understand why you feel that way, because men are jerks, men are assholes out there. Men are completely, there is a significant percentage of men who are completely unconscious to their behavior when it comes to dating, mating, or relating. Let me repeat that. There is a significant number of men who are unconscious to their behavior when it comes to dating, mating, or relating. And you're probably, and I can, I empathize with your frustration. I empathize from the perspective that I recognize that human beings are rather emotionally stunted when it comes to dating, mating, or relating. And let me just say that human beings, men and women alike, and if you're not familiar with my recent scale that I created, called emotional maturity and relationship skills. And by the way, I just want to make a quick note at the bottom. This is not a fact, but this is my opinion. Roughly about 20% of the population are rather clinical with their emotional issues. They are rather clinical. And then maybe 20% of human beings are actually emotionally healthy when it comes to relationship skills, and then the vast majority are dysfunctional. And this is one of the reasons why it's very frustrating for men and women alike out there, and we men are frustrated as well. And the only reason why my videos are catered to women is that you ladies happen to be more fascinated with the way men think. You do way more Google searches on what men think, why men pull away, why men disappear. Men only do Google searches in the following, how to meet women, how to have confidence with women. That's the two areas they search, how to meet women and how to have confidence. Women study, women purchase relationship books probably tenfold greater than men. So this is one of the reasons why if you watch my channel on a regular basis, I'm always saying ladies, men are not the laders of the relationship process. You are in charge of your relationship destiny, not the guy. Do not give your power away to men. Do not expect them to be the leaders of the relationship process. But Jonathan, I'm just supposed to sit back in my feminine and let men do all the work. Well, ladies, men are rather dysfunctional in this area. In fact, if you follow my channel, I continually say most men are good guys. They're just bad daters. Most women are good people. They're just bad daters. So we're dealing with a rather dysfunctional group of human beings out there, especially the older generation. If you follow my channel, you know, I cater to midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement. So my audience is that 42 to 69 group of people. And you would think as you get older, you'd be better at this. But think about this for a second. If here in the United States, roughly 50 percent of divorces or marriages end in divorce, did you know that 65, 65 percent? What's that 65 percent of second marriages end in divorce and 75 percent of third marriages end in divorce? What does that say? It says people after their first go around do nothing to heal themselves to be better relationship material. This is why I wrote a book for every individual out there. My book is called What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? By the way, there's a link below in the description to get a copy of my book. It's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work so you can actually enter into the dating process with a sense of calm, with a sense of inner peace. Because what I'm about to share in a moment is where a lot of men and women alike stumble when it comes to dating, mating and relating. They stumble in this area. And that's why I want to draw some attention to it. And then we'll have a conversation about it. So let's talk about those five common ways men, women, push, push, push men away. All right, I'm going to put on my trusty glasses. Here's my notes. Bump, bump, bump. Bump, bump, bump. So number one. And I'm going to share a personal experience to illustrate this. But number one is tone of voice, tone of voice. And believe it or not, how we communicate with people through our tone of voice can actually push people away. Now, I want to give you a personal example of something happened to me about four or five years ago. I was having a first date with a woman. And we we agreed to meet at a mutual restaurant that was literally just blocks away from where she lived. We actually met on a Friday night at seven o'clock. Now, I'd originally thought or I'd originally made plans a little bit earlier, but she had to push him back. So I was and I originally said, let's just get together for drinks. And when she met me at the restaurant, I was sitting at the bar and her first words out of her mouth were, are we sitting here? And the tone was very caustic. And I was like, oh, what do you mean? I'm in my happy go lucky mode that I am. And she said, oh, I thought we were having dinner. Now, we didn't discuss dinner, but she said, I thought we were having dinner. And then she threw out while I usually have I haven't eaten yet. And I typically have three square meals. I remember that specifically as she put a jab. I have three square meals a day. Now, the people pleaser in me got up, went to the hostess, got us a table that was inside the restaurant, because I felt rather ashamed in that moment. Like I did something wrong. That tone of voice was very parental, very parental. And I'm going to tell you something, folks, a parental tone of voice, a controlling tone of voice, a voice coming at someone with expectation is going to naturally to block someone or push them away. And folks, you know, men do this as well as women. My friend at the jacuzzi told me the other day, the man she went out with had said, you're not eating a salad, are you? And it was just that tone of voice. And we were we're trying to analyze why would he have an issue with a salad, but tone of voice is a common way that we push people away. This is why I highly recommend everybody reading the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Now, it should have been titled Compassionate Communication. And the reason why it's titled Nonviolent Communication is we oftentimes are very confrontational in the way we communicate, especially when we're experiencing something we don't like. So just like this woman had an expectation that we were having dinner and because she didn't like that we were sitting in the bar, her tone. Now, honestly, by the way, let me just say something about that. That date turned into an absolute nightmare. Oh, my God, I thought we were going to come to blows with one another. I mean, this was such a mismatch between two people. I really thought we were going to get into a fist fight. It was that bad. And I realized that I was so angry afterwards. And I realized, and by the way, I picked up the tab for dinner. It was a buck and a half before the tip. And I thought this was the cheapest therapy session I ever got because I learned a huge lesson on so many different levels. And first and foremost is what I teach in my private coaching is I should ask a lot of better questions before we ever met for that day. And I actually met this person in person. In other words, it wasn't an online date. It was something organically. So just goes to show you. And by the way, if you'd like to learn some of those techniques I now teach, check out the link to a private to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. OK, number two. I wrote down she gives more than he gives in the relationship. She gives more than he gives. Folks, when you're with a man who's giving a lot and you're not reciprocating at the same level, doesn't that oftentimes come off as being too much as being needy? When somebody gives more than the other person, it come it put two things. What it does is it could demonstrate a level of neediness. I'm not saying it is, but it could. But it also creates a mismatch which oftentimes can push men away. So this mismatch, you're giving this much and he's only giving this much. Folks, I always talk about the dating process is a mutual process of putting mutual effort like a two lane street, like two cars driving down the street at the same speed. When you are giving more than the man is giving, it actually creates weight on him. It makes him feel guilty or makes him think that you're being needy or you want more from him than he's capable of giving. This is why I've mentioned this before. I'm going to mention again, I like what Matthew Hussie says, invest and test, invest and test. In other words, invest a little bit, see where he's coming from. And does he meet you where that at and don't give more? I like to think giving like a ping pong game. You hit a serve, they hit a serve. It's a back and forth volley or a tennis game. I like ping pong probably because I suck at tennis. Although I do have to try pickleball. Everybody is doing that these days. But I want you to think of it like a ping pong game. You serve, they serve, they serve, you serve, that's how giving should be in a relationship. It should be giving and receiving, not sitting in your feminine energy and waiting to receive. And most of you know, I have a hard on for that shit. So that's my little joke for the day. So number two is giving more than he gives. Number three, oh, a lack of availability, a lack of availability. I have noticed a lot of women are are actually making it very difficult to date because you don't make time for the dating process and you don't make time for relationship. You're always busy, busy, busy, busy. And by the way, folks, how does it feel when you're with a man who's busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, a lack of availability? Or if you're being taught that stupid rules based way of dating, that rules based way of dating, which is play hard to get. Let me tell you something, men at midlife. We've got lots of options. We can swipe other women, folks. This is where men and women have to strike while the iron is hot because there's already 500 people in your inbox or their inbox ready to go out with you. Don't play the game of playing hard to get. And if you want a serious relationship, then make yourself available in the dating process to see one another, because when you don't make yourself available, it's this expectation that we're going to try harder. We don't listen for the guys who want to get laid. They'll try harder for the guys that put you up on a pedestal. They'll try harder, but there is no guaranteed. Those two types of guys are your guy. So don't play the game hoping that somehow playing hard to get will make a man fall in love with you. It doesn't doesn't work. And all that does is re traumatize you for having another bad experience after another bad experience after another bad experience. Don't do the playing hard to get. Make yourself available if you genuinely want to be in a relationship. Number four, what did I say here? Oh, she has a lot of chaos in her life. She has a lot of chaos in her life. Women who have a lot of chaos just like men have a lot of chaos in their life. We call that drama. And let me tell you something, no, nothing pushes a man away like drama. OK, and if you've got a lot of chaos in your life, then focus on shoring up your life because people's lives. Listen. We all can have situational things. I'm talking about continual drama, maybe an ex-spouse that is just a nasty person in your life. Maybe you have children that are giving you angst on a daily basis. Maybe you have work issues going on. Maybe you have health issues going on. People that have drama, oftentimes push men, push them with men and women alike. What's interesting about women is you'll lean into a man's drama because oftentimes you'll become their enabler or savior. And men do this, too. There are men who are savior types that pick up on those wounded bird types. But trust me, those relationships rarely last go the distance anyway. So again, if you have a lot of chaos, you're going to most likely push a guy away. And number five, and this one, I guarantee, will make a man run, is expecting a man to read your mind, expecting a man to read your mind. Folks, a friend of mine once said, how did he say this? Women have a habit of remembering what happened three months ago and reminding of it like as if we're supposed to be mind readers. We men are not mind readers. If something is on your mind, speak up. We like to solve things in the moment and not try to figure out what's going on. So if something is frustrating, you speak up. Coming back to my book, chapter one in my book, Speak Your Truth, Do It With Kindness. Chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right guy. Folks, if you like a guy, speak up. We can't read your mind. If you want something in the relationship, speak up. We can't read your mind. But if you're constantly, you know, giving us the cold shoulder because we haven't figured out what's going on with you, that's going to push us away. And nothing is more unattractive than the cold shoulder. So if something is going on that you that you feel the need that you need to express, but you're expecting him to read your mind, it ain't going to happen. We men just don't have that. We don't have that crystal ball. We don't have that ability to read your mind. So speak up when something's on your mind. And those are the five common ways women push men away. Tone a voice, giving too much lack of availability. What was the fourth one chaos going on in your life? And lastly, expecting us to read your mind. We just can't do that. All right, that covers the topic driven of our live stream today. If you're following live right now, there's a chat box in the video. Post a kind of a question for me. Post a comment. We're just going to do a short Q&A today. Post the word question. Then write the question there after or purchase a super sticker, super chat. The money's from the super. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. The money's from the super sticker, super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. That's my son who passed away a few years ago. And in his honor, I've created a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for those in need and also to give to the personal charity, personal development charities, I care most about. Yes, there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. So please avail yourself of that. And if you're listening to the replay, just follow along with me. All right, let's jump into the Q&A. And I did see someone. Oh, Melissa, thank you so much for the super sticker. I really appreciate 1999. That's very generous of you. Thank you so much. Hey, before we take questions, I have something I want to share with you. I was reading a comment from my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. By the way, there's a link to join my private group. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. And based on if you have a personal question to ask of me or a question to ask of me, I shoot personalized videos just for you and the group. So a comment was made that men and women communicate differently. Men and women communicate differently. And as I leaned into that, you know, and I know many of you have been indoctrinated and the John Gray talks about because men have more testosterone, we need more cave time and women because they have estrogen. They just have more drama in their lives. And I just want to say that's a bunch of bullshit. The reality is, is men and women alike and men and men and women communicate very differently to one another because one of the fundamental problems in communication is shared context, shared context. So let me give you an example. When I talk to my buddies, there's a picture of my oldest and dearest friend, not my oldest friend, one of my dearest friends who I've known for a very long time, we have 35 years of shared experience together. So when we get together and talk, we have a lot of shared experience with one another. When I meet a total stranger, we could have two totally different realities in the context of communication. Let me give you an example. Let's take, for example, this book. Now, what color is this? Is it blue? Is it sky blue? Is it royal blue? In other words, each person could see this color blue. Some people might say that's purple for all I know or teal or something. I don't know. But my point is, context is oftentimes where communication is where there's friction between men and women is because one person's reality might see something one way and another person's reality might see another way. Let me give you an example. Ladies, I don't know how many of you told me you're dating a guy and during the dating process, you told them you want a relationship. And he says, I want a relationship too. OK. And then as you're dating, you know, you're finding out, well, he doesn't seem very relationship oriented. He seems to be totally different than the way you seem. Well, maybe because the word relationship has one context to him and his reality of relationship is completely different than your reality of what a relationship is. So the issue isn't men and women communicate differently. It's that human beings oftentimes aren't communicating from a place of shared context because they don't know what, for example, the word relationship, what it might mean to you could be completely different. What it means to me, what the word commitment means to you might be a completely the word commitment to some guys might mean you can have sex with 10 women. You know, I'm making this up. I'm just using this as an example until you actually start asking better questions to determine shared context. This is one of the reasons why communication can be fundamentally challenging between men and women, because you're not speaking the same language. You're not speaking the same context. It has nothing to do with testosterone and estrogen. It has to do with shared experiences. Your sense of because every human's being sense of reality is different for one another. So until we can actually talk from a place of shared context. This is why a lot of relationship frustration happens, because you're just not speaking the same language to one another. It's it's German and French a lot of times and not French and French and German and German or English and English. Is this sinking in? Is this making sense? If it is, please hit that thumbs up or let me know by saying amen. So that's just a thought, a passing thought I had that I wanted to share with you. All right, we're just going to take a few questions today because my back is acting up. So let's jump into what Helen says. Question. If a guy is still in a bit of contact after a woman ended the dating, but only from a point of keeping her standards, is he still interested? Leave him to leave him to make advances now back in contact. Helen, I don't really understand your question. If a guy is in a bit of contact after a woman ended dating. So let me just see if I get that. So he's still in contact after you ended the relationship. OK, but only from the point of keeping her standards. I don't understand her standards in relationship to him. Is he still interested? I'm sorry, I don't understand your question. But thank you for asking it. I really appreciate it. All right, Tricia says, how do you know if a guy really likes you? He says, I like you. That's how you know. I mean, that's how you know. He says, I like you. I like you. He's complimenting of you. He's he's asking you out. He wants to spend time with you. That's how you know. Guys who don't like you don't say, you know, they're not progressing. They're not advancing a relationship with you. That's how you know a guy likes you. It's it's very simple. Guys are oftentimes transparent. Now, I understand you might be in a work environment that they might be reluctant to share how they feel. There can be a variety of different circumstances. The real question is, do you like the guy? And if you like the guy, does he know that you like him? Stop focusing on what the guy is thinking and focus on you, you, you, you. If you like him, does he know it? Have you expressed it? I mean, let's start focusing on you instead of what the guy is doing. Can I can we all agree on that? Can I get an agreed? Thank you so much. Thank you for that question, Trisha. Daniela says, what to do when the guy you're dating follows provocative women on social media and likes their photos? I spoke up and my partner said, hey, stop. Or he said, stop clicking like. But he'll stop clicking like, but won't unfollow them. It bothers me. So this is a tough one. Because think about think about 20 years ago before we had social media. You know, guys used to have Playboy magazine underneath their pillows or not under their pillows in their bathroom. OK, so men used to look men have looked at provocative women throughout history. It used to be the Mona Lisa was the most provocative woman out there at one point in time and then it was Oh, I got some of the famous artists in the 17th, 18th century. But then Playboy was it. So now it's it's in social media. The thing is, it bothers why I wouldn't like you to focus on why it bothers you. Does he is it a trust issue for you? Is he doing something that is indicated he's untrustworthy? For example, I have lots of women on my social media because I'm a dating relationship coach. I like a lot of comments from the women on my social media page. And yet I'm very faithful to any partner I'm with. So the real question is, what other things is what other things is he doing to create mistrust in your relationship other than he has provocative women? Now, oftentimes guys who follow a lot of provocative women. Aren't really good relationship material types. They are oftentimes in their dysfunctional phase in their life and they're feeding off of what energy they get from the fantasy, just like women feed off of the fantasy of Prince Charming, men feed off of the fantasy of wanting to up level their listen. As we age, human beings oftentimes gravitate to younger, more attractive people because, you know, we didn't get it the first go around. OK, so it's not uncommon for people to either fantasize about wanting to be with a more attractive person or or, like I said before, like the way the Playboy or the Playboy magazines work. Now, again, coming back to your relationship, how does he show up in relationship? Does he show up trustworthy? Does he show up demonstrative, diffusive in your relationship? Or is he very wishy-washy in your relationship? My suspicion, if he's very wishy-washy, then the his the other activities are triggering you because there's something wrong in the relationship. And I would focus on that and not necessarily who he follows. But that is usually a byproduct of what's missing in the relationship to begin with. And those are just my rough thoughts on that. So, Daniela, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. You know, folks, I'm only going to take one more question. My back is really bothering me. So this is going to be our last question from Sadie. Jonathan, what do you think about a man having Christmas dinner with his ex-wife and kids? What do you think? You know what? I wished more people. I wished more couples were more loving, more more divorced couples were more loving to each other, especially for their children. I wish. Think of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. You know, they do family. They did family vacations and Ashton Kutcher was Demi Moore's boyfriend at the time, and they all did it together. I wished more people were doing that instead of less of it. I wish there was more of a conscious uncoupling. And if you're not familiar with the book, conscious uncoupling by Catherine Woodward Thomas, I highly recommend checking out this book, conscious uncoupling. I wish more couples could end their relationship in a healthy, happier way instead of the dysfunctional way. So that's my thoughts on that. Now, does that mean he cares about his ex? It depends. If she broke up with him and she cheated on him, then there's a good chance he still loves her. That's about the usual. Most of the time when a wife ends the relationship and it's usually because of some sort of infidelity, he may still carry a torch. That's not an absolute. That's just anecdotal on my part. If he ended the relationship, then I really wouldn't be worrying about it too much. Oftentimes, women are the ones who end the relationship. So because they don't feel satisfied in the relationship, but I wouldn't worry about the ex either unless they communicate a lot on a regular basis and they're actually communicated at a very intimate level with each other on a regular basis, that would be the time I worry. But coming back to your original question, I wish more couples would spend more time with their children, just like to me, more and Bruce Willis did when they ended their relationship. And like I said, Ashton Kutcher was part of the crew. And I think to this day, they still do stuff together. So that's just my rough thoughts on that. Great question, Sadie. Thank you so much, folks. My back is acting up tonight, so I'm going to wrap up rather early today. I want to thank you all for these great questions and allowing me to enter your life today. I hope you found value in the five common ways women push men away. I'm just going to repeat that. Tone of voice could be very disheartening. By the way, I love Southern women and their tone of voice. It's always sugar and honey. You get a lot more with honey than you do vinegar, let's just say. Number two, you give more than he gives big turn off. Number three, lack of availability, playing hard to get big turn off. Number four, you have chaos going on in your life, big turn off. And number five, expecting him to read your mind. And by the way, men do these as well as women do these. So everything is interchangeable between the sexes. But when you expect someone to read your mind, it's going to drive someone crazy and push them away. So I hope you found value in this live stream today. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. If you did, please hit that like button. Share this with your friends. Check out the links below to a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you and all my other goodies and my book as well. And I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic job and bear a self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. If that's OK, I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now. Bye. Thanks, everyone.