 And now for that vindicated bull walker, Jack Benny. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello again, this is Jack Benny. Remember me, the garble of the air? I mean, the car gavel of the air? Well, here I am again. Wait a minute, tonight? Why do you compare yourself with Clark Gable? Where is the connection? Oh, I don't know. I think we have something in common. I mean, Clark Gable is a screaming lover, and I'm known as an air lover. Air lover? Yes, I love the air. I think fresh air is invigorating me. Oh, I didn't get it at first. Neither did I. I'm glad we got that straightened out. But really, alloys, I am. I'm a fresh air feed. I'm found of outdoor sports, and I even sleep outdoors. Why don't you pay your rent? Well, Frank, why don't you come in late sometimes, like Frank Parker? Why don't you? Oh. So, you're an outdoor man, eh? What's your favorite sport? You mean hobby? Yes. Well, I like horses. I'm an equestrian. You're a boi? I say I'm an equestrian. I ride horses. A Hungarian can do that, too. Ah, but not like an equestrian. I think we both showed up too early. Yes, Frank, you took the words right out of my script. Well, if you like horses, you must be interested in polo. Polo? Yes, polo. That requires horsemanship. Of course, but then there are two kinds of polo. North polo and South polo. No, no. Wait a minute, Frank. I mean, there's land polo, and then there's water polo. Yes, that's right. In land polo, you ride a horse. Yes, that's it. In the water polo, you ride a fish. You should be good at riding fish, Jack. Well, what do you mean? Well, you certainly can hold onto a fin. Well, good. There will be a slight pause until everybody gets that joke, you know? If he folks a fin is $5. Don't worry. They get it. I know, they get it. Well, my name is Frank Carson, and I'll hello everybody. Oh, hello, Parker. Say, we were just talking about polo. They tell me you're quite a polo player. You're right, Jack. But it happens to be basketball. Oh, I knew I was hot there somewhere. Say, alloys, what's the matter with Parker? I mean, look at the way he keeps turning his head all the time, wasn't it? Yeah. Hey, Parker, what's the matter? Were you nervous tonight? Oh, why? I mean, what do you keep turning your head around for? Well, I spent all week at the Six Day Bicycle Racer. Oh, do you like it that much? No. Well, I can say they're all week. Well, I hate to walk out in the middle of a performance. Hmm. That's courtesy. Good thing you didn't see ten nights in a bar room. So you were an outdoor man, eh? Oh, why bring that up? I thought we were through with that. No, Jack. That's what we were talking about when Parker was in. Yes, sir. The outdoor life is the only life. You said it. The Indian lives in the open all the time. He's very healthy. There's an Indian on a nickel in your pocket that would like to get out of the open, too. Oh, yeah. Well, you've got the first dollar you ever made. I admit that, Frank, but you know me. I'm saving up for a little messy. Who's gonna lay that egg, King Kong? So you're an outdoor man, eh? Yes, Avila. We're through with that, please. Oh, no, we're not. I'm an outdoor man, too. Give me the wide open spaces. Just give me a sailboat. Give me a fishing rod. Give me a stock gun. How about you, Black? Oh, just a hand sandwich and a bottle of beer for me. So you're an indoor man, eh? But you're right, Frank. There's a sport that builds up. Why, you fellas don't know what outdoor sports are. You're all pale-faced and pasty-looking. Look at me. Every Sunday I take my wife out motoring in a Chevrolet. Why? Why don't you two fellas do that? Well, after all the law is it's your wife. I'm not gonna butt in, you know. And when you spend the day out in the open with that blue-fane engine, the knee-action wheels, and that beautiful paint job... Your wife, Avila? No, the Chevrolet. This program isn't pulling together at all. Play, Frank. Play. That was Frank, Frank Black and his orchestra playing in a cellar from a shower. And now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have something different. Something novel, original, and away from the usual hoax. Say, Parker, lock that door. I want to keep the pets out of here tonight. Last Sunday, a fella came in and borrowed five dollars from me. I didn't even know him. I mean, not that I care about the five. Listen, fellas, you know me better than that. I mean, money means nothing. You know, with me, it's easy come and slow departures. That last remark was made by Frank Black, who pickles his salary and lets it age for 12 years. Pop that, will you, Black? No, no, you're entitled to one last thing. You're welcome. Hey, nobody's talking to you, Avila. I was. Say, what is this, anyway? Hey, you better answer that, Parker. Remember, I'm out. I'm sorry, Jack Benny isn't in. Get out of my way. That's a fine way to see the lady who's been on a vacation. The idea of locking the door... Well, well, well, Mary Livingston, perhaps. Mary, well, well, well. Hey, this is a surprise, isn't it? It sure is. Well, hello, Mary. When did you get back from Florida? Do you have a swell tan? Well, it's a sort of a Catherine Hepburn. You like that? That's good. Hello, Parker. Did you get my postcard? No, Mary, I didn't. Oh, here it is. I forgot to mail it. Yeah, well, that's perhaps why you didn't get it, Parker. Now, you sure look fine, though. Thanks, Jack. And you know, I wrote a poem while I was away. Baby, see how you like it. Way down south in Mexico, O-O-O, O-O-O. Yes, yes. Well, that's as far as I got. You know, I was so busy running around here and there. Oh, sure. Say, you must have had a swell time in Florida. Did you visit the Everglades? No, I dropped over, but they weren't at home. Oh, okay. And Jack, you know... I stepped into that, pardon me. Go ahead. The other night I saw the Carnera-Lachlan fight. Oh, so you're the one who saw it, huh? Well... I waited for that laugh. I'm no fool, isn't it? So you saw the Carnera-Lachlan fight. Who won? Max Baer. Oh. Now we're getting someplace, you know? Oh, look, boys, I brought you all souvenirs from Miami. Just some little remembrance. That's awfully sweet of you. Hey, thanks, Mary. You know, I got them right here in this package. Jack, you opened it, will you? Sure, yes. You know what I got for you, Parker? No, what? Oh, it's a surprise. And the only one in Florida. What is it? A California orange. Oh. Mary, if you ever go to Los Angeles, send me a Florida grapefruit, will you? If I think of it, Jack. Don't think of it. And here's something for you, Havrilla. Guess what it is? I give up. A pinch of sand from Miami Beach. But Mary could have got that in Coney Island. Oh, not like this. All the goods in the sand. Yeah, that's a nice piece of good, yes. I wish you'd have bought me a bottle of air. They say the air is marvelous down there, you know? Yes, and since you get on the air, Sunday night. I get it, I get it. And look what I got for Frank Flack. This ought to be good. A leather cigarette case. Here it is, Frank. Frank, Mary, you do that pretty. Well, wait, this is Mark Guttings from Atlantic City. Yes, I've been saving it for you since last summer. We certainly brought some swell things from Miami. Nothing for me, Mary? Oh, yes, Jack, I was coming to that. Here's a little souvenir. What is it? My hotel bill. Here. $110.35? Play front. Oh. I'll thank you for Mr. Parker. That was romance sung by Frank Parker. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to read our weekly fan letters. These letters have been piling up at the rate of one a week, and there seems to be no letter. Anyway, here it is. Mr. Jack Benny, chair of Box Four Automats. Oh, there. Dear Mr. Benny, I have listened to several of your broadcasts, and as I am also doing nothing, I would like to get into your branch of our business. How can I become a master of ceremonies? Signed John Winchell, P. H. West, Florida. P. S., please give me your answers Sunday night as I will be listening. Well, first of all, to be a successful master of ceremonies, you must have courage. I'll say. That also goes for an orchestra leader who just waved the sticks and hoped for the best. But Jack, to be successful in any profession, you must have courage. What do you mean by courage, Jack? Well, take an aviator. When he undertakes a long hop, say over the ocean, he must have courage. I thought he must have gas. Well, yes, gas and courage, yes. To have courage to become a master of ceremonies. And a little nerve. And patience. And gall. Of course, if you have any talent, that's gravy, you know. You guys kill me, really. I mean, who do you think is the outstanding personality on this program? A goat without a nose. Well, keep him outstanding. Anyway, I think I'm good, and I have the courage of my conviction. That's only one-punched opinion. Oh, yeah, I don't like this one here. I don't like that remark, Black. I don't know what to do about it. Boys, boys, remember, after all, this is the Chevrolet Polba. I still don't like that guy. Courage. Well, you haven't got the nerve of a rabbit. But his ears are coming along all right. Now, wait a minute. I've had enough of this. No tough, short musician is going to talk that way to me. I resent that. So what? Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. All right, all right, but I must uphold the honor of a musician. I hereby challenge Jack Bunny to a duel and name your weapon. I accept. Never let it be said that a Benny didn't have courage. That's the idea, boys. That's the idea, I say, boys. You must both oppose your honor. I suggest that we meet at the old Grave Yaw. He'll curse at the city in ten minutes. That keeps me... The quicker the better. Come on, Mary, you want to go along? Sure, I haven't been to a murder in weeks. All right, get in my car and let's go. Play, boys, I'll be right back. That's a few things. Come, Mary, do I look yellow to you? Yes. Then let us away. I must defend my dignity and my honor. Oh, Jack, Jack. Yes, Parker? Can I go along? I want to sing when I hear those guns. Sing what? Smoke that's in your eyes. Play, boys. That was Frank Black's boy playing piano here right from Flying Colors. And now we take you to the scene of the duel. The Old Grave Yaw on the outskirts of the city. This is the place, boys. Right by the side of this old graveyard. Hmm, very convenient. That keeps me... You don't scare me. I'm laughing, but I'm worried. My, what a place this is. And what a beautiful moonlit night for this occasion. Yeah, there's a pretty tombstone. Let's see what it says. Here lies the body of Sam O'Toole. He lived till he fought Frank Black the duel. Hmm, that's what he blacks home ground. What are you shaking for, Jack? Nothing, Mary. I was just thinking what might happen to poor Frank. You know, after all, he's not a bad guy. Don't worry about me. Well, boys, let's get started. Yes, let's get it over with. I gotta get back to the studio. Yeah, who don't? You won't. Are you nervous, Jack? A little bit. Well, then wait a minute. I've got an idea. What is it? Well, quiet. See Frank or see that tombstone over there? Softly dark, Mary. Well, here's what it says. Here lies the body of old Miss Kenny. He fired first Miss Jack Bennett. Oh, yeah? Well, I won't miss him. Where'd you see that tombstone, Mary? I made it up myself. I thought I'd scare him. Atta girl, huh? See how scared Frank Black is now? Come on, let's get going. He certainly is. All right, boys, step up here to this line. Okay. Okay. Now, here are two sharp knives and two revolvers. It's up to you men to decide which to use. I'll take a knife. That's fair. Give me a gun. And I'll take a gun, too. The big copycat. Well, sticks and stones might break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Pissed us to you. Man. Man. Boys, boys, boys, stop playing. Now, both of you turn your backs and step 10 pieces from each other. I think 10 blocks will be there. Don't do the lawyers. No, 10 pieces. How much is 10 pieces, Mary? About $3 in American money. One, two, three, four, five. Hey, wait a minute. Just a minute. If you don't mind if I go over and crack it for a while, I haven't used a gun since our murder mystery. If you're opponent degrees, yes. I don't mind, but make it snappy. Come, Jack. Don't worry about, Frank Black. He couldn't hit a wedding with a handful of rice. But, Mary, these are bullets, not rice. Well, I'll try a few shots at the target over there by the fin. Watch this, Mary. Hmm. Great, Jack. Try another one. That swell. All right. Where's that guy, Frank Black? Bring him on. Hey, what was that? Hmm. That's Frank Black, Patrick Singh. Oh, he's good, too. Ha-ha. Just a peluca. He missed. My mistake. Must have been a lazy bullet. Oh, he does trick, too. All right, I'm ready. Let's go. Are you ready, Jack? Yes, but if Frank wants to apologize, it's okay with me, you know. No. No, if you back out now, you'll be the laughing stock of the town. Well, at least I'll be able to hear it. You've got to go through with it. Okay. Are you all right, Mary? Never felt better my life, associated prayer. Mary, here's ten dollars. Bet it on me. I think you can get ten to one. I'll give you fifteen to one myself. The bet's off. Say, when I get through with you, you'll look like a golf course. Eighteen holes. Yeah, listen here, Black. I'm gonna fit you so full of holes. You look like the no-graph ventilation. Thanks for the plug, Jack. Hey, wait a minute, fellas. What are you doing around here? Who are you? I'm a game warden. Hey, what are you doing with those guns? Don't you know this isn't a hunting season? Hey, this is a door. We're just going to shoot each other. Of course, if you want to stop this, that's your business. No, no, go right ahead. Be careful. Don't kill any of those ducks. Don't worry, Jack. Benny's the duck I want to kill. Okay, boys. Go along. For heaven's sake, let's get started. All right, all right, I'm ready. Be brave, Jack. What can you mean? You're right, Mary. Napoleon is dead. Look how popular he is. Now, boys, turn your back to each other. And when I blow this whistle, Mark will take it. Whistle. Whistle. When you hear the second whistle, turn and fire. And may the best man win. Don't worry, Ma. I'll be right home. Same here, Ma. One of us is lying, you know? Just a minute, boys. This duel comes to you through the courtesy of Chevrolet. The most defendable car in the low-priced field. Are you all right? Why, yes, Mary. That guy couldn't hit Kate Smith with a football. Frank, Frank, Frank, tell me, are you hurt? No, I'm fine. Why heaven? What's the matter? We've got to have Miller. Miller. Right in the middle of the advertising. Oh. Yes, I didn't do that, you know? Same here, Jack. From now on, let's be proud. Play, Frank. Play. Number of the 20-second program on the 4th of March. We'll be with you again next Sunday night. Our own little happy family. They have Rilla. Yeah. Same here, I don't want the folks to think you were really shocked. You know, how do you feel? Oh, I'm fine. You know, we were only kidding. Yeah, but I'm not kidding when I say that the 1934 Chevrolet gives more miles for Gallum than ever before. I wasn't kidding that time. Good night, folks. This program comes to you through the courtesy of the motorcar dealers in your community who represent the 1934 Chevrolet thing. This is the National Broadcasting Company.