 Romantic relationships that have an imbalance are some of the hardest to navigate. Now, if you've heard this, and when I talk about imbalance, one person cares more than the other person. In fact, you might have heard the saying, the person who cares the least has the power. I heard that in the movie Ghosts of Girlfriends Pass with Matthew McConaughey and Michael Douglas who was the quintessential player said that to his nephew. Okay, so what are some of these challenges when you're in a relationship or you want more than the other person? These are relationships that lack clarity. That's right, these relationships that lack clarity. What I mean by clarity is, what's the purpose of this relationship? Like, what's the purpose of it? Now, if we go backward, I think it's really important to recognize the purpose of dating, okay? Let's differentiate dating from a relationship. Dating is that period of time that you get to know someone. That's called dating, okay? And the purpose of dating is vetting that person to determine if they're a fit to be in relationship. Now, what's the purpose of relationship? It's have a good time. We should just have a good time. It's all about having a good time. Folks, that's not the purpose of a relationship. The real purpose of relationship is to determine if the two of you are compatible enough to actually seek a long-term committed relationship that leads to maybe they're moving in together or getting married. Now, I recognize a lot of people in midlife don't wanna get remarried. I get that. And some of you may not wanna live with someone. You enjoy your freedom. But ultimately, you're gonna reach a point in your life maybe when you hit 60, maybe when you hit 70, maybe when you hit 80, that you don't wanna still be dating, okay? This is why I'm such a big proponent of doing a better job in choosing the people that you're going to engage in the dating process and then choosing people that make sense from a relationship perspective. This is why I created my private coaching. By the way, you see a link right here, jonathanasley.com forward slash coaching. Schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. My area of expertise is to teach you based on your personality, what questions you should be asking at the very early onset of a relationship. And again, this is based on your personality to determine is this person capable enough to be in a relationship? Do they have good emotional maturity and relationship skills to be in a relationship? These are the types of things we work on when I work with clients. Why is this critically important? Because the reality is is most human beings at midlife, this is the midlife is after baby making years and before retirement, I'm talking about women because men can make babies probably until they're 70 or 80 or at least they can spread their seed to create a baby. For those in midlife, roughly about 75% of singles who are actively in the dating marketplace are divorced. And with divorce comes an unraveling of the tapestry of one's old life and in that unraveling of tapestry, oftentimes there can be significant traumas that have occurred in that marriage or that significant relationship. And then when a person goes out in the dating marketplace and they're rather clueless, men are rather clueless, ladies, you're just as equally clueless as well. Many people can get burned over and over and over again and guess what happens? They become mistrusting. Have you ever gone out with a man who says I have trust issues? Have you ever gone out with them? I'm not laughing, I'm smiling only because I see this happen so frequently. You ever gone out with a man who's been hurt and he's reluctant to actually be capable or ready for a relationship and yet you're wanting more? So what do you do in these particular cases? Well, it starts from the very beginning. It starts from the very beginning. What I mean by very beginning is to do a better job asking questions in the early onset. Now, before I go into, I'm gonna provide you something really amazing tonight. So please stick around for the next five or six minutes because you're gonna love what I'm about to share. But I wanna tell you a story of where I suspect most women operate in the dating realm. And I wanna use the example of a woman who reached out to me years ago and she was in a relationship with a man for about eight or nine months and she calls me up and wants some coaching advice. So great, okay. And she's telling me the backstory of the relationship and she says, Jonathan, I just want more commitment out of this relationship. They've been together for nine months. They see each other a couple of times a week. They've spent time with family and friends but it's not progressing anymore. I don't need further than that. And she goes, Jonathan, I just want more commitment out of them. I'm like, great. What does that look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment out of him. Great. What does that look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment out of him. I'm like, great. What does that look like for you? Jonathan, you're not hearing me. You're not listening to me. I'm like, no, you're not saying anything. Ladies first, you have to determine what does a relationship look like for you? In fact, I want you to go to grab a calendar, an old type of calendar where you can write things in and write in what Monday looks like, what Tuesday looks like, what Wednesday looks like, what Thursday looks like, what Friday looks like, what Saturday looks like, what Sunday looks like and do it every day of the week for a year to get an idea of what you want your relationship to look like. And then what does commitment really mean to you? Because this woman who says, I want more commitment out of a man, if she couldn't articulate to me what that means, well, how can he ever know to fulfill that? Ladies, you're expecting us to be mind readers. I asked a simple question, what does that look like for you? And she was like, I mean, I'm being rhetorical here, but I'm just saying, she was like a deer in the headlights. She hadn't contemplated it. When I worked with her, she walked away with a much greater picture to establish her standards. See, when you know the type of relationship you look for, that's your standards, okay? All right, now with that said, I wanna dive into your in the early stages of dating someone. And I'm gonna give you a little script to work on and tell me how this resonates with you. I'd like to hear your comments on this one, okay? But the script goes something like this, okay? Now, let's first establish that you've met someone, you've had a good first date, there's mutual attraction for one another. He is pursuing you. He's making effort to want to see you. And it's not just this love bombing. Oh my God, you're the most amazing woman on the planet. And listen, all you have to do is sit back in your feminine energy because I'll do all the leading. By the way, the reason why I have contempt for feminine energy coaching, it predisposes, it's based on the premises that men are provider protectors and that they're actually providing, they want to pay your bills, they want to protect you and they want to protect you emotionally. That's a very naive supposition given that most men after divorce are actually rather gun shy. And quite frankly, they may not have the financial resources in many cases to be that provider protector. So just sitting in your feminine energy is magically gonna work with the dysfunctional group of men and women who are in the dating marketplace in the over 40 category. All right, now, just predispose, pre, my, what's the word I'm looking for? Let me paint the picture of the scenario. You've just met a man. There's mutual attraction and he isn't overly love bombing you. And yet he wants to see you. He's making effort to see you. Now, before you give your heart to a man, I really invite you to ask deeper questions. And this is the script I want to prepare for you. And if you want to reach out to me, you can get a copy of this, just schedule a discovery call with me right here to get a copy of this script. And it goes like this. Before we embark on this train of getting to know one another, okay? I have a few questions. That seems many men don't seem to know what they want regarding a relationship. In addition, there are a lot of men who are playing the field for sex. And I hear from my girlfriends and even dating coaches I watch on YouTube that a man will chase sex claiming they want a relationship. And yet when it comes to committing, they come up with all kinds of excuses like they're too busy or they're not ready for a relationship. Ladies, have you heard that from a man? He's too busy. Oh my God, I'm so busy at work. I've got all these projects at work. Oh my God, work is so busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. I don't have time for a relationship. Well, you had enough time to try to get in my pants, motherfucker, excuse my French. These are for the men who are progressing the relationship and they only seem to be driven by sex, okay? And then the other excuse a lot of men in midlife give is their children. It's so fascinating how easy the children card pops into the narrative as an excuse. Now, I'll be candid with you. I've used that as an excuse. I've used my children as an excuse. I've used busy as an excuse. I think that excuses, I just wasn't that into them. Yeah, I'm sorry to say, I wasn't that into them. And it was easier to tell them my children were my priority than it was to say, look, I'm just not into you. Because guess what, ladies? Most men who are into you, they will make you a priority. Let me repeat that. When a guy is into you, it's not his work as priority. It's not his children. Although those are very important and work and children are very important. Let me not diminish that. But a man who's into you, he will make time for you. He won't make excuses, okay? So now here's the questions I'm gonna share with you. I'm just gonna reread everything again. Before we embark on this train to get to know one another, I have a few questions. Many men don't seem to know what they want regarding a relationship. In addition, there are a lot of men who are playing the field for sex. And I hear from my girlfriends and dating coaches on YouTube, that a man will chase sex, claiming he wants a relationship. And yet then when it comes to committing, they'll come up with all kinds of excuses like they're too busy or I'm not ready. So I hear my couple of questions for you. Is that okay? Ask his permission. My question for you is, what kind of relationship are you looking for? And what makes you ready for such a relationship? I'm gonna repeat that. What kind of relationship are looking for and what makes you ready for such a relationship? Can you share with me your dating and relationship history and why it didn't work out with the others? And what makes you think I'm different? You've invested time in me. What makes you think I'm different? How long does it take for you to trust someone and should sex be reserved for two people who trust each other? Ladies, you have one job in dating. Is he worthy of your time and heart? Is he worthy of your time and heart? And more importantly, is he capable of commitment? Does he have good relationship skills? That is you're like interviewing, he's you're interviewing him for the job of boyfriend and girlfriend to one another. It's your job to determine if he's a fit. So let me come back to these questions I just laid out. By the way, do these questions resonate with you? Please let me know, please post a comment below. In fact, if you're finding value in this video right now, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. If you need some support, check out all the links in the show notes to see if working with a coach is right for you. Now let's go back to questions. What kind of relationship are you looking for? And what makes you ready for such a relationship? Well, you know, I just want something casual. Okay, you want something casual. I get it. You're not ready for anything serious. Well, let me just let you know something. A man's penis doesn't get to go inside my vagina until he knows he wants something serious with me. Okay, I'm gonna repeat that. I don't care if it's you, but or anyone else. A man's penis doesn't get to go inside my vagina until he knows he wants a serious relationship and he wants to explore a serious relationship with me. Well, I'm not ready for that. Yeah, I get that, ladies. 90% of guys will bail on this because 90% of guys are, they're rather clueless. They're winging it. They have no clue what they want. They want companionship. They want connection. They want sex. But a big chunk of those men aren't ready for commitment. So what you have to do is be radically honest. You have to lay your cards on the table and more important the rules of engagement and what that means is you know your standard of what you're looking for a relationship and is he willing to meet that standard? Let's keep going with some of these questions. Can you share with me your dating and relationship history and why it didn't work with others? Listen, if he throws everyone else under the bus and takes no ownership for the problems in his past, guess who he's gonna repeat that pattern with? You, you're either crazy. You have issues. You want him for whatever it is. Do you wanna be his somebody I used to know? Ask him about his past experience. What did he learn about himself? What positive things did he learn about himself in these past relationships? What was good about them? What are you most grateful for? What makes you think I'm different? Ask this question. What makes you think I'm different? How long does it take for you to trust someone? And do you believe trust should be reserved for those people who want to be physically intimate with one another? Boy, that's a loaded question. Cause now he's got a really, I mean, this is a real tough one. How do you know you trust someone? I mean, you give him an example. Would you be willing to give someone $10,000? That's certainly someone you trust. See, guys can have sex with you, but they wouldn't give you money. They wouldn't loan you money. That demonstrates trust. In fact, it's funny in today's marketplace in the dating marketplace, sex is almost free. But God forbid you asked to borrow money from someone man or woman alike. It's gonna be an absolute no, because we value money more than we do our bodies. That's how messed up it is out there. I'm yelling, get into your zone, Jonathan. So what's gonna make things different? Folks, let's say you want more from the man you're with right now. I highly recommend grabbing a copy of this book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. This is the foundational questions that you should be asking one another if you're in a romantic relationship or you're exploring a commitment with one another. And if you find yourself in a relationship that you're doubting, then cut sex off. Have a serious conversation to determine if you're on the same page. Before you find yourself becoming another, that's just somebody I used to know. Look at many of you are suffering, I get it. The number one emotional health issues, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, and I'm not likable. Look at, I wish I could heal that for everyone. When my son passed away, I wrote a book. What the heck is self love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. By the way, the link in the description below to get a copy of my book. Why did I write this? It's not a dating and relationship book. It's an empowerment book. So you don't take crap from people, you don't settle for less than what you deserve. Ladies, you have a propensity to give your power away. Now sadly, many of human beings are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. Folks, when you feel good about yourself, you will make better choices. And let me just tell you right now with the dysfunctional dating marketplace out there, it is incumbent upon you to make better choices. And many of you have a broken picker, quite frankly. And my job is to help you in that capacity. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. So what you think of those questions I came up with? I think these are really some important stuff. There's my sweetheart, Marie. That was on our second date. I had flew out to Chicago for a wedding and she joined me at the wedding. We laid our cards on the table. We asked some really deep, radically honest questions by the time she came to visit me. And by the way, for the record, many of you might be asking, why isn't she here tonight? When she had to fly out to Chicago for a funeral, she won't be back shooting a video with me for about another week. But what I appreciate most is we talked about the real important stuff. We talked about our past relationships, why our marriages didn't work, what happened in our significant relationships after our marriage, our dating experiences. We talked about that. We talked about finances. We wanted to know where we were about, both at financially, to see if it made sense to explore a relationship, giving we had distance. And then ultimately, we said for this to work, we had to live in the same city for this to actually have any legs. And because she grew up in Los Angeles, she has two children in Los Angeles, her dearest friend lives just two buildings away and her best friend lives just downtown or north of LA whom I get to spend, I've spent time with them, really great guy. It made sense. Many of you are dating, trying to fit square pegs and round holes and hoping, you know what? If I just do what he, if I just make him happy, he'll love me. Folks, that's not how to operate. Don't give your power away to men. Don't sit in your feminine energy, just hoping that Prince Charming is gonna, you know, a man is gonna be Prince Charming. It's incumbent upon you to become Princess Charming first so you can actually attract in a partner who's ready to meet you where you're at. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right. If you want more from man, but he's not ready, it's your job, listen, bottom line is this, your job to vet for the ones who are ready because the guys who aren't ready, you could be wait, listen, the bodies are buried from here to the moon for women waiting for men to become ready and guess who they are ready for? The woman right after you. I'm gonna pick that, the woman right after you. Don't find yourself in that situation. Do a better job pre-qualifying men in the get-go. All right. I hope you found value in this conversation. Again, I'd like to hear your thoughts, post a comment below. All right, for those who are on live right now, we are going to do my Q and A. If you're not familiar with my format, if you have a question, write the word question and post the question thereafter or you can purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat. All of the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's him right there of the one who passed away almost five years ago. And his honor I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process and Insight Institute, just to name a few. That's the little dollar sign. If you're watching the replay, please hit that Super Thanks. I'm gonna take off my jacket because it's rather hot up here. Should've turned on the fan. And I hope I don't have pit stains. Ha ha ha. All right. Let's see, I saw we had a question earlier. Frankie, I'll get to your question in a second, but I saw one here. Bum bum bum. Ah, I thought I saw one here earlier. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum. I could've swore I saw someone post a question. Ah, keep me a sec, give me a second, give me a second, give me a second. Wanda writes, question. Do men keep you in the friendship box because they have health problems? Sure, a man could do that. He could put you in the friend zone. Men want female companionship and female connection. We thrive on it. So we can put you in the friend zone and be careful of the men who put you in the friend zone. Many of you are thinking, I just want you to think about it. When you put a man in the friend zone, that usually means you're just not that into him, but you like him. I'm gonna repeat that. You're just not into him, but you like him. And many of you are hoping for something more, but just remember when someone put you in the friend zone, I wouldn't count on them for relationship material, okay? Let's keep swimming here. By the way, Leaf wrote down dating vows, Jonathan's dating vows. In the description below, you can get a copy of what I call my dating vows, okay? You're not familiar with it. I'm gonna tell you. This is an agreement two people share together either before sex or before you give your heart to a man, okay? And it goes like this. I agree, your name, to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we have regular sex together. I agree to not actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down my dating profile or our dating profiles. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting or disappearing. And finally, I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which looks like we spend two or three, four days, nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional, intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. This is my dating vows. There's a link below to get that, okay? Here's the dating vows. Just fill out the information and you get a free copy of that. All right, let's go back to questions then. Thanks, Lee, for that question. Oh, Carrie writes question. What is a reasonable expectation when it comes to how much they make financially? All right, I love this question. First and foremost, what's most important is the person can financially take care of themselves. That's critically important. And let's say you can take care of yourself, okay? That's two people that can take care of themselves. And what happens is if two people come together, two is better than one. So two incomes is better than one. So at a minimum, does he have the capacity to take care of himself? And if you have a capacity to take care of yourself, the fact of the matter is two people can live for less of an expense than one. That's the benefit. Now, in today's, I believe here in the United States, less than 80% of the population makes over $100,000 a year. So that's roughly eight out of 10 people make less than $100,000 a year. I believe it's something like 90% of Americans don't have enough money in the bank to support them if they lost their job for over three months to a year. I think it's something like 90%. That's just the reality of things. Now, we got to take the younger population in there as well. So that probably skews a little bit, but I will tell you this, two incomes are better than one in my opinion. So Carrie, thank you so much for that question. All right, Frankie, I got to your question now. Any questions a woman can ask a man to push it out of the friend zone and towards a relationship? Well, sex can do that. I'm just gonna be blunt. Sex has the capacity of doing that, but the reality is, is what is friend zone? Listen, let me... Okay, I'm gonna invite you all to do a little survey. Go find 10 men that you know are in happy relationships. Go find 10 men that are in happy relationships and ask this question. How early on in your process of getting to know the person you're with, did you know that you want to commit to this person? How early on? I'm gonna tell you, nine out of 10 of those guys are gonna say very, very early. When a man puts a woman in the friend zone, it just means I like you, but I don't want to commit to you romantically. I'd like to have sex with you, but I don't want to commit to you romantically. Does anyone remember the movie Harry Met Sally? He said, you know, he said, men and women can't be friends. Why? Because we want to sleep with them. Okay? He says, what about the unattractive ones? He goes, we want to sleep with those too. Okay? Who will actually commit to? There are a lot more factors involved. Okay? Now, you could try sex. See if, hey, that might be the tipping point. I highly doubt it, but you can try that. That shifts the relationship from friends to something deeper, but I wouldn't use that as a strategy. And I know a lot of women think they think that strategy works. And I'm here to say it can work, but it's not a guarantee whatsoever. Frankie, thank you so much for that question. Mary says, this is resonating with me. Thank you so much. I appreciate that, Mary. Trista writes question, how do men really feel about paying a woman's bills or giving her money? Okay. I would say if the man or like my best friend who's worth $100 million, very blessed to have a good friend like that. He doesn't care. Okay? The man makes a million dollars. He probably doesn't care. He makes a half a million dollars a year. Probably doesn't care. The reality is 80% of men, as I said earlier, make or 80% of the population makes less than $100,000 a year. That number might be climbing, but I just want you to think about this. Over $200,000 a year represents about 5% of the US population. Okay? The reality is to support two people, you need a minimum, a minimum of a hundred grand a year in the United States. So, and by the way, if he's paying alimony, child support, other things, if he's got responsibilities, it's gonna be hard. He's gotta be making probably over $200 and $250,000 a year. I'm not, I'm make, listen, this is just a broad stroke. Depending on where you live, certainly I live in Los Angeles. It's far more expensive than someone who lives in, actually, Tennessee is expensive. I was thinking Tennessee, maybe Austin, Texas, no, that's getting expensive, expensive. What about Chicago, Illinois? Oh my God, that's expensive. Yeah, you might have to go to Idaho for all I know. Maybe that's the least expensive place. Drisda, I hope that helped answer your question. Question, can a man be friends with a woman he is physically attracted to when Harry Metzell, it's funny, I brought that up? Yes, we can be friends with women who are sexually or physically attracted to. We wanna have sex with them. We can be friends. By the way, it's not like human beings can't be friends with one another. Is do they have, do they have character? That's the most important thing. Because someone who's just chasing sex and uses the friendship against them, that's a person who lacks character in my book. So is it possible? Absolutely. Okay, thank you for that question. Jane says, thanks, Wanda. I appreciate that you asked that question. Frankie says, thank you for answering my question. All right, Frankie goes on to ask question. What dating site do you suggest is the best one in the United States for people over 50? Great question. You know, where's my phone? It's funny, my son was talking to me about a new site for millennials. I can't remember the name of it. So here's the ones that I like. I like match.com, it's still probably the biggest. I like millionaire match. I happen to like it even though the title implies something I just happened to meet just some really good people on that site. And my girlfriend who was on millionaire match felt the same way. She met a really good group of men on that site and she was on match.com as well. I would say Bumble for the swipe apps and Hinge for the swipe apps. Okay, Cupid is out there. I'm not a big fan of plenty of fish. To me, that's bottom of the barrel. People might think Tinder is a hookup. Yes, and yet I know many couples who have met on Tinder and got married. So, you know, but the ones I like, Bumble, Hinge, match and millionaire match. Those are the ones that I happen to like. And that's just a personal preference. Okay. Oh, by the way, I should have mentioned Silver Singles and Our Time, which is part of match.com. So Silver Singles and Our Time is part of match.com. So I hope that helps, Frankie. Question. Well, a man who hasn't healed enough to use the, she just wasn't the one as an excuse to break up with someone after two, the three years. Later's 50s guys, he said had left after a short time then went back. Well, a man who hasn't healed enough, used the, you know, this is a tricky one. I was just having this conversation with my son who's turning 27 in two months. And he had dated a woman for a while for about five months. Very respectful for her, really cared about this person, but he just wasn't feeling it. He wasn't, and the problem is he was in love with his college sweetheart, but that had some dysfunctionality to it. I suspect that he had a slight anxious attachment style and he was with a woman who was avoided. If you're not familiar with love attachment styles, I highly recommend reading the book attached by Amira Levine and Rachel Heller. I also recommend reading the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. Again, all the books I recommend in the link below. Okay, why do I recommend these books? Well, the reason why I recommend these books is so you can understand your patterning in how you choose relationships. So coming back to my son, he wasn't feeling what he felt with that previous relationship that was unhealthy with this very healthy person. Okay, so he didn't feel like that was love. Okay, he's a youngster, he doesn't know any better. I mean, even though his dad tells him all this stuff and tries to get him to read these books. By the way, the book recommendation link is right there. It's in the description below. Okay, so what was the question again? You know me, I go on at the squirrels. Okay, coming back to this question, this is tricky because like with Marie, honestly, sometimes it's an intangible. It wasn't just her looks, it wasn't just her personality. It wasn't just that she was a very agreeable personality. I love her. She's such a chill chick. Okay, she's just a chill chick. Okay, it wasn't just that, it's an intangible. Love is an intangible thing. That feeling of this person is really it for me. That's an intangible. This is why ladies, you try so hard to make a guy love you when it's an intangible that he falls in love with and usually he knows within the first 30 to 60 days and his actions demonstrate that. So I hope I answered your question, Leslie. Thank you so much for that. Question, my married landlord wants to have sex with me. Is it appropriate or are men just that shameless? It's not going, I'm not going to do it because I'm friend zone. Listen, look it. The reality is, is these days, sex is a biological need for men. That's a reality, not these days, it just is. These days it's just, you don't need to be private about it. You can just put yourself out there and say, I'd like to have sex with you. And if a man asks enough women, he's probably going to get one out of every 100, two out of every 100. And if you're on a dating app, probably one out of every 10 that will say yes. So shameless, I don't know, bold, brash. Look it. Did you ever see the movie Tootsie? Okay, does anyone remember the movie Tootsie? Jessica Lange was telling the, what was the character that Dustin Hoffman played? I forget her name, the character. But he was telling how she wished a guy would just come up and say, look, I don't want a relationship. I just want to have sex with you. That's the paraphrase of it. So then when he was in his male character and he said that, he got a slap across the face. Anyways, my point is that these days, men aren't afraid to be brash. That's all. All right, thank you so much for that question. All right, Christina says, question. I've been online hell, I've been online hell dating forever for over a year now. And why does it seem like all men just want to talk about themselves? No one asked me questions. Are they all narcissists? What's up with that? All right, I'm gonna throw my beloved under the bus. That's Marie. I don't think she, if she was sitting here, I'd do the same thing. She'd already going, I know what you're gonna say. Okay, Marie and I got on the phone our first time together. We talked for an hour. All she did was talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Didn't ask me questions she told me about her life. So a week later, she reached out to me. Said, hey, how's it going? Good. She goes, would you like to talk? I go, not really. She goes, why? And I told her what happened. I said, you talked mostly about yourself. And she said, I've heard that before. Now, when she said that, I was really impressed. She said, I heard that before. And she told me I was nervous for one. Number two, I felt like I would just tell you about me and you would probably tell me about you. See, she's not good at asking questions. I'm in the business of asking questions. I'm in the business of teaching women the questions they should be asking. So what I'm saying here, if I believe she was a narcissist which she is not, okay, she has deep empathy. She's kind, she's caring and she completely admits when she's made a mistake, okay? She doesn't gas light me in any capacity like that. So I'm here to say human beings aren't very savvy. Men in particular, there's a lot of good men out there. They're just bad daters. Doesn't make them bad people. So I'm here to say, be careful of pigeonholing somebody who does that. He could be nervous or he might just be telling you about himself so you can get to know him. People, here's the thing, folks. I want you, not that I'm, I wanna talk about a book. Where is it? Malcolm Gladwell wrote a book called Talking to Strangers. The reality is, is these days we're meeting total strangers in the dating marketplace and people don't know how to actually get to know one another. You might wanna invest in an app called, here. Let me just pull up this app. It's called Card Dex by the Gottman Institute. Card Dex by the Gottman Card Dex. Go to your Play Store or Apple Store. These are great questions to get to know someone. Date questions. Here we go. Describe your ideal morning. What is your favorite season? Describe your perfect sandwich. I thought that's weird. Tell me about your first birthday you remember. Oh, that'd be interesting. That's a good story. What's your favorite way to be creative? What would you do if you won $100,000? These are just some questions. They're not deep questions, but they're questions to get an opportunity to go deeper. And this is where a lot of people fail, okay? Don't blame guys for being clueless. Just makes them human. All right. Sarah B says, your topics are so good. Could you please do a session video on how do we make intercultural dating work, Eastern and Western cultures? Oh, that's a tricky one. I think at the base level, all of humans are fucked up. I do believe that. So it doesn't matter what race you are or culture you're from. I think we're all messed up. I think what you can do is learn about the culture you're interested in, learn about your own culture so you can describe this to another person and have sincere conversations around it. That's just my two cents on that. Sarah, thank you so much for that one. Frankie says, thank you so much, Jonathan. I appreciate it. Thanks for spelling my name correctly. Lauren wrote a question. Well, she didn't write a question, but she goes, I have a boyfriend with ED. We haven't slept together since we started dating in July. He says he loves me, but it isn't super lovey-dovey. I know I'm the only girl in his life, okay? Listen, sounds like you have a really good friendship, but to me, a relationship includes having sex with one another, the penis going inside the vagina. Okay, so he has ED. Guess what? There's a thing called a blue pill. Actually in generic form, it's a white pill, okay? By the way, there's doctors that can help with this, or he can learn how to become proficient with his tongue. Sexual connection is rather important. Okay, listen, I got sex on the brain. I'm a guy. I hope to have sex on the brain till my last days on this planet. What I mean to say is not that I, listen, it's a small percentage of my time together with my partner, and yet I still have this desirous to be there, and I have a desire to please my partner, and I'm grateful to have a partner who has a desire to please me. It's what makes it a romantic relationship, and not a roommate situation. So there are things you can do, but then again, if you're happy with the relationship that it is, I'm the only girl in his life, but it's not super lovey-dovey, then mix it up. Go see a sex therapist and mix it up. All right, Sherry writes, question. I'll be asking these questions on my next date with a man I have been on five dates with, vetting is important. Your videos have made tremendous difference in my life. Way to go, Sherry, I'm excited. Keep us posted on how it goes. Jennifer says, I remember the movie Tootsie. Was that a Freudian slip? Tootsie, I was just on TV. All right, I never had sex. I'm physically unable. Should I not try to date? Drew, I don't know if you're a man or a woman. Okay, here's the thing. We can, listen, I suspect, and this isn't my area of expertise, there are multiple ways to please your partner without intercourse, okay? Does anyone remember the movie, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, where he was taking his girlfriend's daughter to the sex clinic and the sex clinician was talking to a bunch of teenagers and he was talking about instead of intercourse, try outer course. They're like, ooh, what's that, you know? Here's the thing. And again, this is not my area of expertise, but what I can say is there are ways to create essential and sexual pleasure for your partner. I would do some research on that because I do believe it's, listen, it isn't mandatory that you have a sexual relationship. I'm just here to say that for those that want partnership, it usually is a part of the equation. It rarely is not part of the equation. And again, there's always exceptions to the rule, but at the end of the day, I would go and seek advice in this area because that's not my area of expertise. All right, thank you for that, Drew. Liz goes on to say, I love that you spoke up to Marie and that you listened to her when she responded. Well, what impressed me going back to the story, when Marie said I've heard that before, to me, that was a level of awareness. Now she has a habit, listen, I hear her on the phone with her girlfriends from Columbia, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, and then her girlfriend, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, and this goes on for a half hour and you don't even hear the other person saying anything. Maybe it's a cultural thing, I don't know, but I will say this, Marie has a capacity to be both deep and she could both be clueless at the same time. It's not, I do the same thing. Believe me, I stick my foot in my mouth more times than I can count. What I do recognize was she was a good person and then she intrigued me enough when she said, I've heard that before, we end up having a four hour conversation after that and that's what I think propelled our relationship to where it is today. So by radical honesty, laying your cards on the table, critically important. Okay. Jennifer says, I ask questions for sure and do it in a way that is not interviewing a man. I want to feel organic. Exactly. You just simply say I'm curious. My parents are terrible about asking questions. They think it's prying. I've learned to ask questions to sound interested, but it's not natural for me. Again, be interested and interesting, okay? Great though that you shared that. CeCe writes, Marie is wonderful. I enjoy your videos with her. I know I miss her. I wish she was here for, we try to do every Monday night together. So she'll be back in a week. All right, question. How do you go back to dating without doubting yourself, knowing that you need to date because time goes on and you don't want to die alone, but you're just not feeling it? You know, that's a tough one. That's a real tough one. I would say this is really inner work. I would highly recommend getting at the root of where the fear comes from. You may want to check out the work of, okay. Check this out. It's called Naked, it's on the screen here. Naked discovery slash naked recovery. Ask for Adele mentioned my name. There's the link that you can go to. By the way, it's in the show notes. You can simply click the link. I would schedule a call with her. Again, mention my name. She'll give you $50 off. Maybe you can get to the root of where your problem is and you won't feel the fear. Again, try out naked divorce, naked recovery. And this is for people that have just been in relationship. You don't have to have been married. So good luck with that one. All right. Jennifer says, medication helps with erectile dysfunction. It calms the body and helps with sex. Amen, I am grateful for that blue pill. Actually it's a white pill. All right, let's keep so. Sunny pie says, question. I think I know the answer, but I wanted it to be validated. But I've made mistakes and maybe appear bad temper. Would a guy forgive and forget or bad first impression? I had a friend of mine who was in a relationship with a pretty toxic woman. And she was habitually a problem. And he forgave her over and over again until he finally established his boundary. Here's the thing, we all make mistakes. There's a saying in my book, what the heck is self love anyway? A journey of personal development, self open spiritual work, the links below to get a copy of my book. And in this book, chapter one says, chapter one says, speak your truth, do it with kindness. And chapter nine says, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Check out my book. That will help you maybe go deeper on that question for yourself. Thank you so much. Pet sitter says, I have a friends with benefits. He is way younger. We only do it once a month or more. I want it to be more, but we don't, but I don't want to scare him off. He doesn't want to catch feelings by doing it. Yeah, that happens. You know, guy wants to keep his distance. He likes to have the ejaculation. He's happy to do it once a month with you and once a month with someone else and once a month with someone else that basically gets him down to once a week. And if he's got a few women in there, you know, dating situations like that, that might occupy him. That's, he wants to keep his distance because he doesn't want to catch feelings for you. Very common experience. Leslie says, thank you, Jonathan. The first 30 to 60 days makes sense, learning so much from you. So happy to hear that, Leslie. Dina writes a question. My boyfriend and I have been dating for seven months. I believe he is smitten with me as I am with him. My love language is touch and I don't feel like I get enough of it. How should I ask? Great question, Dina. Okay, for those of you who are not familiar with the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I highly recommend reading this book. And what I would do is go to the chapter on touch, physical, so the five love language are words of affirmation or if you're with a Leo like me, it would be words of adoration as we like to be adored, physical touch, quality time, access service and gifts. Read the chapter in the book on physical touch. It will give you some insight on how to address it so you can actually create greater intimacy in your relationship. I'd say buy two copies of the book or go online to fivelovelanguages.com and do the survey together and talk about it. That's all you have to do. Hey, listen, there's something unique I'd like to help enhance our relationship. Would you be open to talking about it? There's this thing called The Five Love Languages. Ladies, if he likes you, he will have no problem help accommodating your request. Okay, good luck with that, Dina. Let's see, oh, Marie just texted me. I should tell her I'm shooting a video and talking about her. Question, Jonathan, how can a woman know when she is ready to date and healed from a previous relationship? I think this is a great question. I want to share with you a meme that I saw this morning by the holistic healer, excuse me, by the holistic psychologist. This was on Instagram. She said, successful relationships aren't about two healed people coming together, okay? Two unhealed people learning to love beyond the survival mode, okay? They're about two unhealed people's nervous system finding peace in sharing space with each other. They're about two unhealed people not expecting perfection, but instead honoring each other's humanness. They're about two unhealed people lifting each other up and encouraging each other to try again. They're about two unhealed learning how to play, how to be silly and how to have fun together. They're about two unhealed people creating a safe space for freedom and mutual evolution. And they are also about two unhealed people learning to see the best in each other and themselves. There's no such thing as fully healed. I am a work in progress. My sweetheart, Marie, is a work in progress. No, but however, are you healing? That's the critical piece. Are you doing the healing? Do work on yourself. There's a great book I invite you to read. It's called Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. I love, love, love, love, love this book. It's a great book to heal from within. Read this book and then you're ready to date, hopefully. Unless you have some real clinical issues and then see a psychologist or a therapist, okay? All right, listen, I wanna let Marie know I'm on a video, on a video. Go to YouTube. Okay, let's keep going. All right, let's keep swimming here. Wanda says, how long should you wait before telling them where you live and letting them pick you up? I think when you trust them, when you feel safe and you trust someone, each person is gonna be different. Each person's gonna be different. If they're a total stranger, do a complete background check on them before ever letting them get to your home, okay? Let's see, Hailey writes, question. How do you feel about these? Are we dating the same man? Facebook groups. They post men's pictures from dating sites and women give red flags and feedback. It's hard to judge validity, help. How do you feel about these? Are we dating the same man? Facebook groups. Oh, oh, I got it. Oh, so I didn't know there was a Facebook group out there. Here's the problem. My photograph is stolen probably somewhere to the tune of about 100 times a week used by nefarious people, okay? So I wouldn't trust these sites because you don't know if their person is using my photograph. I could be dating a woman. She goes on this site and then three other women say, oh, I've been talking to this guy. Well, how do you know if it's me or somebody else? So I wouldn't listen. Those women are oftentimes bitter and jaded in those groups, not always, but oftentimes. And I wouldn't want that energy in your vortex, okay? Haley, that's just my two cents on that. Jade writes, question, how to respond when after hurting you in some ways, a guy says, I don't want to call because it leads to an argument and I don't want to hear you cry. I have it right, mind boggling. It means your relationship has a lot of issues. I mean, that's just frank. Okay, listen. Healthy relationships require healthy communication. If the two of you don't have healthy communication, I would highly find some ways to healing that, maybe go to a therapist, if that is the problem, seek a counselor to help you, okay? All right. Hey Cassandra, thank you for the $20 Super Sticker. We really appreciate it, folks. If you found value in this video right now, please click that little dollar sign in the chat box and support my channel and support the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. That is really sweet of you. Thank you so much. Laura says, how is it possible your girlfriend didn't subscribe to your channel? That's the least she should do for you even if she doesn't like to watch your videos. First off, she is subscribed to my channel. Number one, number two, she does watch my videos. She doesn't need to watch my videos. She's got a walking Jonathan 24-7 and we unpack everything together so she doesn't need to watch my videos. All right, thank you. Barbara writes, question, why does he frequently comment on how much the restaurant bill costs and how expensive? I'm kind of feeling guilty as I can't afford these places he picks. Well, he probably has a wound centered around money. Most likely he was in a relationship where he felt used or he grew up in poverty. I mean, there's a couple of reasons why that might be the case. He might be also giving you a clue that he'd like you to chip in. That might be a way of him saying, I'd like you to chip in to the expense of us dating with one another. Those could be some reasons but my suspicion, he has a wound centered around money. Okay, hope that helps. SW1 writes, question, I asked on a previous post, what are your thoughts on living apart together? LAT refers to couples who are in an intimate relationship but choose to live separately for a variety of reasons. There is a book. I don't know where it is. I can find it right now. Hold on a second. Where is that book? Oh, here it is. Hey, I can't believe I found it quickly. Here's a book called Living Together Apart by Ann Watson. Very small, little, tiny book. What this is for those couples, depending on their circumstances that actually need to reside in separate places. Now, for some couples that are raising children, they might not have the capacity to move in with one another. The challenge I see with these relationships is how long are you going to be doing the living apart together? I think ultimately you get to midlife and then you don't have responsibilities of raising children. That it should be on the table to discuss what a future looks like beyond this period of time, okay? Am I against living apart together? Living apart together? No, I'm not against it. I think that is certainly viable for two conscious people who are co-creating a relationship with one another. It's just dangerous to do that long distance because let me just, depending on the distance, I mean, I know two people that did it for four years before they decided to move in together. They were living together apart and now they moved in together. So I'm not object to it. I think it certainly can work. Check out the book, Living Together Apart. Great question. Thank you so much for that. Hey, Pet Sitter. I wanna thank you for the $4.99 Super Sticker. I really appreciate that. Helen goes on to write question. He is showing that he cares you through his behavior and actions but never through words. Doesn't communicate much or talk about his feelings. What do you think? This is a very common tale. Men oftentimes are acts of service men or physical touch and they're not really good at words. I would start establishing a practice. Here's a practice you could do. Start with every night before you go to bed as you express three things you're grateful for in the relationship. Three things you're grateful for in the relationship. Just start expressing it. Start as a practice. If he gives you some, you know, hymns and haas say, this is really important to me. If he cares about you, he'll express it. Little by little, this should allow the melt the wall of ice that might be precluding him and then start getting into more intimate conversations. I highly recommend reading the book. Well, this is a great book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters. I highly recommend reading this book. I also recommend reading this book. Oh my God, this is a great book. I hear you. The surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationship. These will give you insight. By the way, there's another book. I wonder if I still have it. It's out of print. It's called Oral Sex. But just start with those two for now and let me know how it goes. Okay, start with that gratitude. Express three things you're grateful for about each other every night before you end your day together. Okay? SW1, I didn't see what you're said. I'll look, let me see what it's, if you, question. I did address that question about living together apart, okay? ZenGal says, I'm dating long distance. My guy has offered money for gas. Is it okay to accept his income is four times mine? Yeah, that's okay to accept. Absolutely. Should we need to curse a bit around but his words doesn't communicate? Let's see. Oh, there's SW1 saying thank you. You're very welcome. You know, I think this will be a great place to wrap up today. Hey, this has been a lot of fun talking about if a man wants more, if you want more from a man, but he's not ready to do this. Look at radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and establishing the rules of engagement. If you need some support with this, check out the link to a discovery call with me. That's my area of expertise. Go to the links below. Look, if you find value in my content, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Please donate to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund by hitting that dollar sign of the super thanks. And again, if you need some support in the links below or a discovery call with me, you can join my, well, we're gonna, okay, we got a personal question. This will be last. By the way, I'll just end with this thought and I'm gonna share this personal question. If you find value in this, please subscribe to my channel, all that good stuff, check out all the links below in the description of the video. Okay, then we're gonna end on Lee's question. She's one of our members here on YouTube, personal question. Over the past month, both you and Marie have had friends from each side who have suffered loss and you've been to a wedding. How have these extremes helped your relationship grow? Great question. So for those that don't know, my best man in my wedding, I've known him for 42 years. He lost his son, his youngest son, just like mine. The boys knew each other. And then accident. Marie just lost her mother-in-law that she knew for over 40 years, ex-mother-in-law I should say, and she flew off to Chicago to be with the family. And we went to a wedding. The thing is having conversations about these, talking about it, talking about our feelings in these areas, especially too bad and one good, if you will, is a bonding experience for people when you actually get into the nook and crannies of a relationship instead of, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. And most people have superficial conversations. If you wanna build deeper intimacy with someone, it's gonna start by having more deep, rich conversations centered around what's happening in your life and talking about your feelings. Look at ladies, you don't need a man to pay your bills. Most of you don't. So the whole point of being a relationship is choosing someone you can connect with on an emotional level. And there are plenty of men who wanna do that. They're just bad at it. They just need you to guide them along the way. Ladies, you are in charge of your relationship, Destiny, not the guy. You are the emotional leaders of the relationship. So start taking charge. Learn the content I've just shared with you, these books, and you'll be better equipped to actually attract a partner who wants to grow with you. Like what I believe Marie and I are doing. Leaf, thank you so much for that question. And SW1, I wanna thank you for the $4.99 Super Sticker. All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up today. I'm gonna wrap up as I, by the way, if you have something to share, post a comment below. I'm gonna wrap up as I always do first off, give myself a big check in at the American self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet. Teddy bear a pillow and give either of them a hug of love. I guess hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank SW1 and Miracle and Leaf and Helen and Zen Gal and Lulu, Pet Sitting and Wanda and Cassandra for the Super Sticker. Barbara, Jade, Sonny Pie, Harley, Rebecca, Teresa, Nazare, Narjiza, if I put your name, I apologize. Drew, Dina, Leslie, Jennifer, Christina, Sarah, everyone, thank you so much. Have a fab evening, you be well, bye now.