 The Aberdeen Costello program brought to you by Camels, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Listen to the music of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Hayes, Billy Gray and Little Matilda, the famous Leon's messenger costume character, Bugs Bunny, tonight's guest Warner Brothers' lovely star of Princess O'Rourke, Miss Jane Wyman, and starings, what ever that lose Costello. Costello, where have you been? And now! Listen, you know this is Thanksgiving, and we've got the plan out, how are they doing here? Oh yeah, I went to a Thanksgiving dance for the soldiers at the Hollywood canteen. You did? Boy, I had some experience in the conga line. Why should the conga line make you late? I must have gotten the wrong line, I never got to dance. But I washed my hands three times. Boy, where was that kitchen crowded? Just a second. That's a cover-up. Just a minute, did you get that, come here Lou, did you get that black guy over at the canteen? Yeah, while Honey Lamar was serving some Marines, I thought I'd go over and steal a kiss. And just then the lights went out. What's that got to do with a black guy? Did you ever try to kiss a top sergeant? No. Look, never mind that Lou, I came over here to your house to talk about Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, good, have it. How about having Thanksgiving dinner with me? That's fine, what's going on? Fine, eight o'clock at your house. No, no, no, no, no. You'll get no turkey at my house. Okay, make it duck. Duck? Yeah, duck, you know, that's chicken with snowshoes on. Oh, no. Look, Castel, let's face back. Now, I couldn't invite a person like you to my house. I'm used to eating with a snooty set. I don't blame you. You're, you're what? I'm used to eating with a snooty set. Snooty set? That's right. So now I ain't got enough to eat with pigs. No, no, no, I'm not eating with pigs. I'll have you know that my house, I have a very fine cuisine. You what? I have a very fine cuisine. Are you reading this right? Yeah, that's right. You have a very fine cuisine. You heard me, you heard me. Too high class for you. So what? You've got a very fine cuisine. So what? So what? That's my house. I have a very fine Brevet. Brevet? No, I don't. You don't understand. Look, why, I couldn't even ask my book to serve you a dinner. Serve me for dinner. What kind of people come to your house? Cannibal? No, no, no, no. No? Dracula? Quiet. Frankenstein? Shut up. What is this? Eat the people? Oh, come on. Let's talk then. I take it back. Look, dinner at my house is a very classy affair. I even have a silver tray to brush the crumbs on. Crumbs? Yes, certainly. Don't you have crumbs at your table? Sure, I have it. You're welcome anytime. I have it. I used to get about my house. I'm having turkey dinner right here at your house. Now, we're going to cook that turkey you've been raising in the backyard. Abbott, are you suggesting that I cook my turkey? Why not? My little Ingrid? Why not? Never. What? Never. Why not? Abbott, I raised that turkey from an egg. All so well. I said I'm not egg and hatched it. No, no. I even laid that egg. Out of here. Don't be ridiculous. I'm a father. Now, wait a minute. Lou, I know better. A man can't lay an egg. Us men ain't doing bad here. Are we? Just never mind. Now listen to me. Come in. Come in. Come in. Oh, happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. Hey Abbott, it's Mr. and Mrs. Niles. Yes, you little blimp. I bet you're surprised to see me. Well, since they lifted it them out, a guy can see anything. How do you do? Now, just a minute, Costello. Please don't make fun of my wife's appearance. She's beautiful. From the top of her head to the tip of her toes. She sure messed up that stuff in between. Dennis, Dennis, are you going to stand for that? I'll see here, Costello. You're making an ugly woman out of my wife. Well, she's good material to work with. Costello, that's not true. Oh, no. Now, when she sucks a lemon, the lemon makes a face. Boy, am I in helping years. Yes, yes, yes. I'll say you are. How can you talk this way? Remember, Mrs. Niles is every inch a woman. Ladies and gentlemen, the statement you have just heard is a paid political announcement. And does not cost you the opinion of Lou Costello. Stop. Now, look, look. Continue. Look, Lou, will you stop those? The paid wire. Costello. These people are guests in your house. I invited them here for your Thanksgiving, didn't I? Yes, Dennis. Can I? Excuse me. Well, Mr. Costello, Kevin and I came here to eat your turkey. Oh, no, you don't. You ain't sinking your teeth in my ingrid. What a lull. That turkey is my pet. Why, you. You all were stuffed in great. You had turkey at our house last year. Turkey? That was a pigeon. It was a turkey. Pigeon. Turkey. It's the first turkey I ever saw with a message tied to its legs. And the turkey was so old, the message was forgotten. Oh, I don't know. With arguing, please, Costello, listen to me. Now, stop this arguing all the time. We're going out in the backyard and get your turkey. Come on. No, no. Abbott, not that. What are you going to do with that knife? Oh, I'm going to cut the turkey's gullet. Gullet? Yes, gullet. You know, turkey's neck. I know their neck. And I want ingrid to live to do some necking. Oh, I never mind that. Hey, Abbott, here comes ingrid now. She recognizes me. See, Mrs. Niles? She talks to me. Lou, what did ingrid say? She says I'm her Gary Cooper. So, this is wasting time. Here, take this axe and chop off the head. There's nothing to it. No, Abbott, I can't do it. Ah, here, come on. Take the axe and grab it by the neck. Grab it by the neck. Yes. Okay. Okay. Come here, you rock. What are you trying to do to me? Pilot to navigator. Pilot to navigator. Sighted target. Target moved. Get out of here. Come on. The pontoons are in place. The last bridge planking is made fast and the tanks in artillery begin to roll across the river into enemy territory. Another job is finished by the army's combat engineers. These men have got what it takes. And so has their cigarette. Camels. First with men in all the services according to actual sales records. Yes, camel cigarettes are going to all our fronts. And that's why they're packed to go around the world. Packed to stay fresh. Cool smoking and slow burning anywhere. Remember those men overseas if your store is temporarily out of camel cigarettes. And remember, too, that when you get camels, you always get more flavor, the result of expert blending of costlier tobaccos. Camel's tobacco standard is the same for soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. C-A-M-E-L-F. Camel cigarettes. They stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. Many rich plays the Thanksgiving Day song of the service man. Plays with all and fastly every day. Castello, Castello, where are you going? Who I'm going out in the backyard to feed Ingrid, my turkey. You're going to feed your turkey with that bottle of stuffed olives? Oh, sure, Rabbit. Ingrid's crazy about stuffed olives now. She loves those little red worms in the middle. Little red worms? Castello, those are fermentos. Fementos? How do you like that? For years, I've been thrown away the best part. Oh, please, you and that turkey. You drove Mr. and Mrs. Niles out of here. And this is my last word on the subject. Either the turkey goes or I go. Gee, Rabbit, that leaves me no choice. Well, I'm glad you've come to your senses. I'm going to miss you, Rabbit. I know you a lot. I don't know why you're mad at Ingrid. I mean, after all, what did my turkey ever do to you? What did she do? What did she do? I was eating breakfast this morning, and she walked right up to the table and stared at me. Why did your turkey stare at me? You were eating from her bowl. Oh, yes. Who had a better life? Just a minute. I've heard enough. Where's that ax? No, no. Give me that ax. No, Rabbit. Come on. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. No, do my turkey. Rabbit. Ingrid, this should get me the Academy Award. I think it should. All right, so what? My... Back into the mood. My turkey is gone. How do you know it's gone? Look on the ground, Rabbit. The tracks? No. The slave bracelet I gave her. A what? You gave a turkey a slave bracelet? What else could I do? I couldn't afford a ring. Ah, Castello, did Ingrid mean that much to you? It isn't every man that they can have the love of a turkey. Rabbit. What? Ingrid gave me the first egg she ever laid. I always carried it in my back pocket. May I see it? Okay. You know, Rabbit, I should have had that egg hard-boiled. Oh, look at that. Castello. Castello, listen. Ingrid. Over there in the next yard. Here's Ingrid. Come here, Ingrid. Come here, Ingrid. Come on, Castello. Come here, Ingrid. What's going on in here? What's all annoyed? Say, look who it is, Castello. Our neighbor, Jane Wyman. You're just a fellow I'm looking for too, Castello. Do you know that your turkey ruined my entire victory garden? She just ate up my whole bed of radishes, and that will cost you $100. $100 for radishes? Yes. That's about $4 a burp. You see, Castello, I told you that turkey would cost terrible, didn't I? Oh, yes. We are going great. Look, Miss Wyman, or Jane, Ingrid didn't mean it. You know today's Thanksgiving. Let's forgive and forget. I mean, after all, it's all water under the bridge. Water under what bridge? What do you mean under what bridge? How do I know what bridge? Then how do you know there's water under it? There's got to be water under it so the boats can go up and down. Why do they have to go up and down? Why can't they go across? All right, Smarty, let them go across. Well, wait a minute. What happens to the boats that want to go up and down? Let them take an elevator. I was expected to get into these arguments anyway. Well, why did you start it? Look, I didn't start nothing. I was just saying something that was... it's really used as a figure of speech, like something like, gone with the wind. What wind? What do you mean, what wind? Well, there's the east wind, the west wind, the south wind, the north wind. Any wind. Go ahead. Pick out one and that's it. That's immaterial of me. All right, the immaterial wind. Just a minute. Do you know what wind is? Yeah, sure. Wind is something that goes like this. I mean without onions. Love, Castella, did you ever see wind? No. Did you ever touch wind? No. Then where does it come from? Where does it go? What is wind? I don't know what it is, but whatever it is, brother, you're full of it. Castella, please. How do you know so much? Well, because I read, stupid. Yes, and you talk, stupid. Why do you two have to pick on me? Why do you keep saying silly things like, gone with the wind? I told you before, it's an old expression like, never the twain shall meet. What twain? What twain? The twain on twat twain. Now you've got me talking baby talk. Then why don't you make yourself clear? Look, David, what's the use of talking to you people? It's just like pouring water on a duck's back. Why did you do that? The what? Pour water on a duck's back. Yes, what did the duck ever do to you? Look, the duck never did nothing to me. I mean, let's talk turkey. Why should I talk turkey? I don't like turkey. Yeah, who are you to make people eat turkey if they don't like turkey? Look, Miss Wyman, I don't want you to eat turkey if you don't want to eat it. Oh, now you want her to starve to death. All right, come on, baby turkey. Oh, I need turkey in the swiney. He'll stuff yourself your glutton. Oh, that's fine. Now he wants me to get indigestion. Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry I brought it up. It's all my fault anyway. I am willing to eat humble pie. Oh, you're eating pie. You didn't offer us any pie. Abbott, if I had a pie, I'd let you have it. You would? Yeah, right in the push. Now if you get this up, I'm going to walk out of here now. Now there's more way to skin a cat. When did you start that sort of thing? What sort of thing? Skinning cat. That's the last drop, kids. I've had enough of this. I'm taking my injured home. Come on, sweetheart. Come on. There goes another $4 worth of radishes. Castelli, you're driving me crazy. That turkey is nothing but a troublesome nuisance, a disgrace to the neighborhood. That turkey is a malicious pest. Sir, you are speaking of the woman I love. Why, Lou Costello, do you mean that you prefer that turkey to me? Well, yes. What? You prefer a turkey to a lovely, charming, gorgeous girl like Jane Wyman? It must be the little abner in me. I mean, after all, you folks don't understand what Ingrid means to me, Jane. Every minute of the day I can hear her calling to me. But I'll make you forget your turkey. Here, let me put my arms around you like this. I can still hear my turkey calling. And maybe I'll put my cheek next to yours, like this. I can still hear my turkey calling. And now, I kiss you tenderly, like this. Now, can you still hear your turkey calling? Mind, how quiet the turkey is tonight. Ah, get out of here! Donnie Haynes sings the right new rhythm tune, you sure, baby! You've seen him up and down the avenue And now he's wearing the navy blue She had a tear in the corner of her eye As he said his last goodbye to you, baby She, she, she, baby Bye, bye, bye, baby Your heart burns off to seven feet Don't cry, baby Don't sigh, baby Bye, bye, bye, baby When I come back we'll live a life of ease He's coming to us now To say goodbye this way Hopper, hopper We can be sweet to you another day She, she, she, baby Don't cry, baby Bye, bye, bye, baby Your poppers off to the seven feet Don't cry, don't sigh Baby, here we're waiting for a popper Don't cry, don't sigh It seems nothing will ever suffer She, she, she, baby She, she, she, my baby She, she, she, my baby Your poppers off to the seven feet All right, what's the matter? Wait a minute, take it easy. What's the matter? My little turkey. My little turkey. What's the matter? My ingrid. My ingrid. What? Gone again. Oh, that's a good one. My ingrid. I don't know what to say. My ingrid is gone again. I wish I could comfort you. You cannot. How? Kiss me. Oh, shut up. Now come on, get back to her. I'll answer it. Hello? Eh, what's up, Doc? I'm calling you from the drugstore. Look, I can't hear you, Bugs. Get closer to the phone. I can't. Why not? The drugstore's closed. Look, I ain't got no time to talk to you now, Bugs. I lost my turkey. Hey, was it red and green? Yeah. And with brown feathers? That's it? Beautiful black eyes and a cute little turned up beak? Yeah, that's it. Have you seen it? Eh, no. Then what did you call me for? You haven't got my turkey? No, Doc, but I got you a goat. Ah, get out of here, will you, Bugs? Oh, stop wasting time, Castella. If you want to find your turkey, let's call a cop. Come on. Okay. Come on. Help! Please! Oh, copper! Hey, copper! Are you a cop? Yes. Where of course I am. Call me a policeman. An honest and no remorse. Hey, policeman! Don't look here. I'm a cop and my name's O'Rourke. Did I hear someone yelling for help? Yes, officer. We were talking from our backyard. We were raising it. Oh, I see you're raising some nice fat hogs, too. Take that club out of my stomach. All right, all right, shut up, please. Let's start looking for your turkey, please. Where do you want to go first? Come on. I'm going to start at Jane Wyman's house. Jane Wyman? The movie star? The cute little number with the... The trimmer's a package with the... The gorgeous little babe with the... That's the dame and stop drooling. Stop arguing. Here we are. Knock on the door. Well? Is your husband home? I haven't got a husband. Oh, darn it, I always make that mistake. You should be a nice man. Look, Miss Wyman, how come it took you so long to come to the door? What were you doing hiding my turkey? Well, if you must know, you caught me in an awkward moment. I was frying a couple of eggs in my kimono. That's very funny. My mother always uses a frying pan. Now, stop that, Castello. You'll have to forgive him, Miss Wyman. I suppose you think he's a perfect idiot. Oh, no, none of us are perfect. Well, look, this isn't helping us find the turkey. What do you suggest, O'Rourke? Well, now that's easy. The three of you take one side of the street, and I'll take the other side. We'll make a house-to-house canvas. Put your faith in Patrick O'Rourke, and I'll find your turkey. You couldn't find a drunk skunk in a trunk. Could you? I caught if the wind was right. Oh, come on, let's go. What is it? Well, I'm Jane Wyman, and this is Bud Abbott, the party who lives across the street, and this is Lou Castello, the party who lives next door. Now, this third party claims that I, the first party, took his turkey, so all three parties decided to call on you. Not interested. Too many parties already. Open the door, lady. I'm looking for a turkey. Oh, I can't come to the door. I'm not fully dressed. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Are you trying to make a liar out of this keyhole? Let me handle this one, Castello. The door's open, but I don't see anybody. Look down here. I'm only three and a half years old. Hey, little Matilda. Matilda, did you steal Uncle Louis' turkey? Oh, no, I have my own turkey in this cage. I'm going to eat it for Thanksgiving dinner. Well, little girl, that's not a turkey. It's a sparrow. It'll be a turkey when I get through with it. What do you mean? I'm going to blow it up with my bicycle, prom. Oh, Castello, this is a waste of time. You'll never find Ingrid. Yes, and I've got to get home. I have a turkey cooking in a pot. Hey, but think of me. I haven't got a turkey. No, but you've got a pot. Oh, wait a minute. I'm not... Hey, did you hear that? Hey, Abbott, it's Ingrid. My Ingrid. And she's in this house. Well, come on, let's get her. Good. Open up in the air. Open that door. How do you do, everybody? It's all because of Aurora. Look, what did you do to my turkey, Aurora? It's nothing but skin and bones. Put me down. I'm Mrs. Aurora. Excuse me, lady. The feathers on your chin fooled me. Look, Castello, there's Ingrid out in Aurora's yard with another turkey. Well, Castello, I've got quite a shock for you. You, Ingrid, and my Tom were married this afternoon at the little coop around the corner. Ingrid is married? I'll have it, and no! Ingrid, come here, Ingrid. Come here, tell me everything. I'll understand. Tell me it ain't so. You mean you prefer Tom to me? But, Ingrid, can he support you? Ingrid, how does he stand in a dress? Well, all right then, Ingrid. That settles it. Wait, settles what? Lou, what'd she say? What are you asking me for? I'm no turkey. Get out of here! Have it in, Castello. We'll be back in just a moment. Thanks to the angst of the week, tonight we salute Captain Clark M. Sykes of San Antonio, Texas, who was flying a P-38 reconnaissance plane armed only with cameras over a ball-new Britain. Captain Sykes and another pilot in an armed P-38 were attacked by four new inline Japanese fighters and during the fight, their scouting lightning had both motors put out of commission. Seeing his companions distress, Captain Sykes roared into the Japanese formation, left them long enough for his escort to get one motor working and escorted him safely back to their base. In your honor, Captain Clark Sykes, the makers of camels are sending to our soldiers overseas 300,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the four camel radio shows honors a yank of the week. Send 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravans have thanked nearly three and a half million yanks with free shows and free camels. Listen to each of the four camel shows. Tomorrow, Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante. Saturday, Bob Hawkins, thanks to the yanks. Monday, Blondie. And next Thursday, Aberdeen Costella with their guest, Miss Veronica Lake. And now, here's Aberdeen Costella with a final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costella, here we are. The end of our second Thanksgiving Day show for camels. That's something to be thankful for, Aberdeen. And next week, our guest will be Veronica Lake. You mean a girl that wears a hair over one eye? No, you dummy. She doesn't wear a hair over one eye anymore. Oh, that's right. The demots have been lifted. Oh, come on, Homme. Great job. And now, here's Aberdeen Costella with a final word. Thanks, Ken. Well, Costella, here we are. Come on, Homme. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Aberdeen Costella show. And remember, camel cigarettes are first in the service. They've got what it takes. Camels stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world. This is Ken Niles wishing you a very pleasant good night from Hollywood. More pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the whole world. Want to know why? Your tongue will tell you the first time you light up a pipe full of Prince Albert. Yes, sir. PA's no-bite treated to give you cool, comfortable, tongue-happy smoking. Crimp-cut, too, to pack and burn and draw just right. You'll find around 50 fragrant, nut-sweet pipe bowls in every big red two-ounce package of Prince Albert. More pipes smoke Prince Albert. It's the National Joy Smoke. This program has come to you from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcasting Company. KFI Los Angeles