 All right, last week's episode was part one of our relationships toolbox. We talked about the science behind social networks from first degree connections that form your reference group all the way to the massive influence that all of these groups have on us. Looking at friends of friends of friends and the influence that they exert very fascinating science there. We also looked at norms and how these get spread across our reference group and how easily we can start to view and shift and change our opinion differently. We also talked about the ways that we can actively shape our social network so that it supports the life that we want to live. And lastly, to make it hands on, we did give you some challenges as well. So if you haven't had a chance to listen to last week's toolbox episode, please do. This is a continuation, part two of our relationships toolbox. In this episode, Johnny and I are going to look at the three most common types of relationships. Romantic, platonic, and professional relationships. And we're going to share some interesting studies as well as give you some hands on advice on how to make the most out of all of these relationships. It is Valentine's Day this week. Hopefully you ran to the hallmark. You got your candy, your cookies, your cards, your flowers. And we're going to jump into romantic relationships first, very timely for all of our listeners. And it doesn't matter if you're in one or if you're not and stressing about Valentine's Day. We want to talk about just the impact that these relationships have on our life. And of course, we're going to jump right into some science here. And this is a hefty study. So the National Survey of Health and Social Life, also known as the Chicago Sex Survey, has done almost 3,500 people between 18 and 59. And it's considered one of the most accurate and complete studies about romantic and sexual behavior in the United States. Well, that's certainly a lot of people, right? That's a good sample size. I would agree with that. That's a very good sample size. In this massive study, it offers an unprecedented overview of health measures, psychological traits, partner choice, and even sexual practices. So I'm sure we've got your attention now, right, Johnny? Certainly. The first thing that surprised us in this study was how people met their partners. Whether that was a lead up to marriage or just a one night stand or even in Las Vegas or maybe all three, wink, wink, 68% of all romantic encounters all the way from one night stands to marriages happened because those two love birds were introduced by someone they knew 68% of the time. So as much as Hollywood movies romanticize this idea of wandering up to a stranger and hitting it off, most of us are going to be introduced to our significant other slash spouse by a family member, a few cases of coworkers, classmates, or neighbors. But typically it's going to be through our social network. Only 32% of those encounters happen through self-introduction. Obviously those are AOC graduates. They have the confidence to walk up to strangers and strike up conversations. But a lot of us are relying on our social networks to find that significant other. And obviously who wouldn't want the ability to walk up to a stranger, but life doesn't always work that way. And we know the importance of building the right social network not only to help our mental health, but now it enhances our romantic lives. It absolutely does. And I believe one of the most popular dating apps right now relies on this exact thing where you're only being introduced to people who are one to two degrees separated in your network. Is that how hinge works, Johnny? I would not know. I am not on hinge. And however, I am on some other dating apps and I know that our friend Evan Katz had some an interesting take on this as well. So I wanted to listen to what he had to say and go from there. Yeah, he joined me for a fascinating conversation around this exact idea and he actually takes a counterpoint. I did a TED talk once upon a time where I spent 20 minutes on this topic and how online dating is kind of broken. It's still, I think, the best option we have, which is not to say that meeting someone in real life isn't better. It's certainly better. Most people don't have the opportunity organically to do it. So to supplement, I highly recommend online dating and online dating in a very specific way. The way people are doing it is that we've gone to the app model. And with the app model, they've taken an already shallow medium, like online dating, and made it shallower. They've taken away anything that resembles depth. They've taken away the profile and they've taken away the emails. So it's swipe right, you're hot, text me. And so it's been great for men in that it's leveled the playing field. You don't have to do any work, except it's entirely looks-based. And that really makes for a frustrating experience for both men and women. Everybody becomes disposable, as we pointed out prior to getting here. Everybody thinks they can do better because on paper they can. And so what you end up is 20 people on your cell phone that you're texting simultaneously. You have no investment in any of them. They haven't distinguished themselves. And what you're trying to do is essentially gamify dating. And the problem with dating is what the TED Talk was about, is that is the gamification. It's the depersonalization of something that should be personal. But again, I'm old comparatively. But I remember before there was internet dating, before I got on board of that train early, you'd go out, you'd meet someone, you'd get a number, and you'd bronze that thing. Like, that was got a goddamn number. How awesome is that? Told your friends it was a big deal. Like a big night. I got a number. And you were all in on that person. Now, I think it's good that we flatten the playing field and everybody has more opportunity. But with that volume comes the desire for speed. And when you have more speed, everybody becomes disposable. And you have women, again, speaking for my women clients, who feel like a piece of meat. The cute guy texted me says he wants to meet me tonight. I'm not ready to do that. But I don't have the courage to teach him what I want. Because women, in general, don't want speed. They want comfort. They want to go out with a guy who's invested in them. They don't want to go out with a guy who's a creep or a serial rapist, which is a perfectly reasonable thing. So guys aren't worried about going on a date and having drinks with a stranger. Women have every right to worry about that. So I try to tell women how to slow down men in this instant gratification society. And ironically, a lot of women don't want to slow down either. They feel caught up in the roller coaster. Well, I don't want to waste time. I want to see if there's chemistry. So it's this sort of race to the bottom where everybody's complaining about the flakes who are texting them and ghosting them, but no one's spending more time relationship building before the date. There's a lot of tension there between the way we're doing things, where we've come technologically. Dating apps are so addictive. We're in little dopamine spikes every time you swipe, right? They're so addictive. But they're not good for you. And we know it because everybody's complaining about it. So how do we put that genie back in the bottle? And that's a big part of my job is getting women off of dating apps and away from texting, despite everybody's propensity to do so. Now, here's what's so fascinating about that stat. When we think about this, it makes sense, right? If we're being introduced by people in our network, odds are we have a few things in common. The people in our network know us pretty well. They're going to know a lot of our likes and dislikes. They're going to understand our personality. So these warm connections are going to go a lot further in terms of us finding a partner. And I know, even in my friend's network, there are a number of friends who met through Friends of Friends. Certainly, I agree with Evan that adding these apps and online dating is certainly going to help you find that person. But it's certainly going to broaden that pool. And what I want to add to that, and I don't think that anyone is looking at it from this direction because everyone sees that these apps, it's a dating app. They don't see it as social media. But it is social media. And in fact, it is so social media that those apps don't want you finding the right person. They want to keep you on their app just as much as Instagram does, just as much as Facebook does. So much so that they are now branding and advertising their apps as a lifestyle. Here in Los Angeles, you will see posters and advertisements that say the swipe life. And the swipe life is just another week of who are you going to hang out with, who are you going to go on a date with. And I'm involved in this. I have to deal with this. I've sat next to you swiping away. And I also want to say that at this point, I'm really busy. So I find them convenient. However, how about let's go back to how we've been railing on social media and how it's done a number on everybody socially. Well, and of course, from 2009 to 2019, in this 10-year span, where is this seeing chaos in everyone's social lives? And that's including dating. And if you think that social media and everyone yelling and arguing and screaming is just stuck to Facebook and Instagram, I got news for everybody. It's in these dating apps as well. And dealing with it is really difficult. And for myself, in doing the research for this and thinking about this today, I had to come to terms that I'm a serial data. And I wanted to make sure that by saying that, that I actually was clear in what I was calling myself and when I was labeling myself. So I looked up serial dating. And there was a couple of things that stood out to me. One is that you're too immature to have a real commitment, debatable. Check. Ha ha ha ha, debatable. Another one was player, debatable. Check. And I'm gonna say debatable. And however, so I'm going through these things and I'm swiping and I'm getting some matches. And I will say that in the past, one of my things was if I got a match and we chatted a couple of texts back and forth, oh, you know, what's your Facebook? What's your Instagram? We'll swap and then we can do a little bit more research on each other and then we'll go on a date. That's not changed. At this point, I don't wanna know anything about the person because going into these dates with too much information is a landmine about to explode in your face. And you would think like, oh, if I go on social media and I will have all these wonderful things to talk about, I can find some commonalities. No, because what you're seeing is the squabbling, the drama, the bickering, the political sidings. And it's insane. So you like the surprise of just going in blind. Well, if you go in everyone's social media, the only thing you start looking for is reasons why you shouldn't be going out on this date. And it's getting to the point. And now let's also go with the obvious hiccup that I have to deal with, right? I can't give anyone my social media because if they start doing some looking around, well, then they're gonna find out that I do this show and then through all the social... You actually had an interesting interaction. I did, maybe she's listening as well. It was the first time that this happened where I was chatting with a girl and she's like, yeah, I thought you looked familiar but I'm a huge fan of the show. And that was the first time that it happened and I always wondered what would happen if that happened. And the other thing about this is the reason I'm on these apps is because of how busy I am and I find it convenient. It's like, oh, well, Thursday night, I do have some time. It'd be nice to go out with somebody and see who I'm chatting with and make a date. But there's so many of these matches that there's just people falling through the cracks. There is, I get busy, it's on to the next one. There's a new girl chatting me up. The app is dragging you back in. It's dragging me back in. And to go back to what we were saying, it's too much information. It's insane. And as I was saying, the apps, they're acting as social media in the attention economy. They don't want you off. They don't want you finding your... They want you paying the membership. They want you sticking around. They want you sticking around. They want you to get dates but they want you to keep coming back. And they want you involved in what they've now developed is the swipe life and they're advertising it as this glorious and fun and I'm sure for some people, it might be. But as for somebody at my age who's extremely busy, who is looking for somebody cool to hang out with and have some fun and be a part of my life, it's a bit insane. And granted, I am having some fun meeting and having options. That's there and I'm trying to use it like I'm trying to use Facebook and other social media as a tool to enhance what's already going on. Let's unpack this a little bit more. I am in a relationship, committed relationship. I've never messed with the app. So I wanna ask you from your perspective, Johnny, and you have dated in your social circle. You've been introduced to friends of friends in your social circle. Do you find a difference in the quality of those dates from the apps to the people who warm ties and connections match you up? You know, it's interesting. At this point, I like the dates on the apps because it's a mystery and I quit getting information about those people. So now the only information that I have is the couple of pictures that I see. So you like the mystery box. You're the guy who grabs the sucker with the question mark wrapper on it and is like, oh, what's this flavor? It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. And because it's two people who don't really know anyone, know each other, there's no pressure on it, right? So if like, if your friend hooks you up with a friend or you met somebody through a friend, now they get to watch the entertainment of the drama of you dating the friend and there's a whole soap opera that goes with it and everyone's in your business. When you meet somebody on one of these on Bumble or Tinder, no one knows who you're going out with. You could go do your thing. If it works out, great. If there's another date, fantastic. There's not, she goes back to her friends and they go gagging about it. You go back to your guy friends and you guys talk about it. That sounds like some serial date or problems right now. When the drama gets back to your network. Oh, yeah. And so, point being that I'm trying to use them to enhance what's going on and to make like easier. Well that is certainly the point that Evan is making. We're not saying you should discount them but the apps have a place they should not consume your dating life. And again, the numbers point out that most of us are gonna meet through our network. Whether that's through coworkers, friends, family, we're gonna meet someone within our extended network and settle down with them. Well, to go along with that and living here in a large city, any time that any of my relationships had gotten to a point where it's like, okay, we've went out a couple of times which are social media. It's like, whoa, there's always a connection. There's always a sixth degree of separation of, oh, you know this person, this person, this person. Well, you need a Instagram. A Instagram? Yeah, a real Instagram that has no real connections on it so that you can send them off the trail. It is, oh, the other thing I wanted to say about it is I think somebody, younger people would have a much more fun with the insanity of the dating apps where as somebody who is in a career who is very particular about all the habits that they've worked so hard in putting together to just bring anyone in to wreck, like we cannot have this. So that makes it even more difficult. And again, having not used the apps, what I've found to be so ironic about these apps, especially going out in LA, I'm out in social situations, events, parties, bars and restaurants and I see ample single people. I see ample attractive single people and yet they're glued to their phone swipe lifetime. Absolutely. When they're out missing out on opportunities to actually make some of these loose connections. I agree with that. And also to go along with that, when I am on some of these dates, I get the feeling that some of these people are Los Angeles is a big city and any big city, the more people, the larger the city, the more alone a lot of people feel. And I also notice on a lot of these dates that when I am out that I, because there is these two people who don't really know each other and there's a comfort of being able to just talk about what's going on. And I hear a lot of I'm lonely or I haven't met anyone interesting or a lot of this kind of talk in it. I think that's just big cities in general or that sort of isolation and takes place no matter what. I mean, there's a, there was a song that a lyric that always stuck in my head of how lonely people bump and grind on the hot city nights. And it's like, the more so many people around but yet no one knows each other, right? Everyone's feeling this lonely desperation. Well, I think the other big part of it is it seems like endless opportunities. It seems like you can hop on the app and dial up some more matches at any given time. So we're also quick to write people off. I agree. And quick to nitpick people. And I've overheard some conversations. I'm not gonna name any names. But the things that I'm hearing for writing off people these days are the smallest of items. He invited me to his work party. Can you believe it? I've only known him for two weeks. He wants to see you. So the things that I'm hearing about, oh, he's needy or oh, he's too much. These are things that 10 years ago would have been seen as romantic and would have been seen as, oh, that's nice of him. But now I can go swipe life and I can hop on an app and there's another six guys who are right in line who maybe don't have these flaws or maybe they have some other flaws and I'll figure those out when we swipe. It's gotten so bizarre. I remember when Tinder and Bumble and these things first came out and it was innocent. Everyone's putting their best pictures and you put a little description. But now all the hatred that's on social media has also infected these dating apps. So it's like whoa. Oh, you were saying, yeah. And it's been politicized. You've seen profiles switch from, oh, some silly lyric or some silly bit about me to no Trump supporters, no liberal loonies, no lefties, no righties, don't even apply, don't even swipe. When you think back to enjoyable, interesting relationships, it was a lot of the opposites are coming together or... Well, even you and I disagree on a number of things. But it makes for great conversation. It's pretty boring when you have someone sitting next to you who's a clone of you. And if you don't feel comfortable enough explaining your viewpoints and having a counterpoint and a discussion to it, you're doing yourself a disservice. So that politicized anger is there. You know what else is also in there? The shameless self-promotions of your other social medias. So it's like, and girls flat out, I have no interest in dating, but follow me on Insta or the new one that's been popping up is send me five bucks and see what I send you. And it's usually... A larger bill, I would assume. It's that, but it's this thing of premium Snapchat. Yeah, everyone has their real Snapchat and then they have their pay-for-play Snapchat. It's so bizarre. So how do we get your pay-for-play Snapchat, Johnny? Where do I got to Venmo this money? Well, yeah, so I'm gonna ask you to Venmo so I can see what I'm gonna get. But it's what I've been laughing on. When I was talking, when I was putting this together today, I was laughing. I was like, how much of this stuff is actually discussed? And when I talk to you about these things or you haven't been on these apps, you've been in a relationship for a while now. And I always, you're just like marveled at the insanity that social media had went into. And as I said, these things started out as a dating app, but they are just, they are social media apps. They are competing for attention economy just as much as any of these other ones. That's the problem. Your social media pulls into them. It's pulling photos into them. And I remember, I am certainly not an online brand expert. The handful of our fans that have followed me on Instagram know that I post sparingly. And I've even been flamed by some of Amy's friends over what the heck is your boyfriend posting or not posting it. And just this idea that every aspect of our online experience has to be curated so that before I even show up for the date, you know that I check 17,000 boxes. That doesn't sound like a fun date. That doesn't sound interesting to me. That's why I quit asking for social because as I said, it got so weird and there was this obsession and learning about these people before you even met them. And there was just way too much information there. And as I said, the dates have been better when I, now that I go in blind and I believe that both people are a little bit more relaxed. I- One of the biggest things that we tell all of our clients and we just wrapped a female, we just wrapped a women's program. We said the same thing to the women that we say to all the men who've come through the program. Build yourself, become a better you. Sure. Focus on friendship and friendship surrounding the passions that you have in life and then start inviting people into your life and giving them an opportunity to invite their friends. This whole idea of a social sales funnel and we're gonna cover it a little bit later this year but welcoming more people into your life gives you more options than just relying heavily on online dating and just relying heavily on who's in your network. And as this stuff gets bubbling, you become more dynamic and interesting in conversation because you just have more stuff going on. The thing that saddens me the most is the clients who right after the program just dive wholeheartedly into online because it is a bit of a cheat code. You don't have to approach someone. You don't have to walk up there and really practice anything. They think it's a cheat code. They think it's a cheat code. And my favorite part about this is, we still get, with all this technology, we still get the basic questions. I'm having trouble carrying a conversation on my first date. I'm too nervous. Well now you have the social media, you've seen all the pictures, you know what they do, you know what they're excited about and you still can't figure it out. Well, what does that mean? That means there is a basic fundamental that you haven't developed in yourself to be able to do this and that fundamental is being comfortable meeting new people. And when we're focusing on the apps, that becomes a crutch, right? You have time to respond. You have time to slow it down and think about it and know I'm gonna send this and not send that. But when you're in a conversation, that's where the chemistry, that's where the compatibility is truly gonna come. And we've had many a jokes about the YouTube algorithm. When you rely on these algorithms to find your compatibility in your match, well, you're gonna be watching World Trade Center conspiracy videos in no time. No time. How do we make the most of these romantic relationships? Well, we have one of our favorite researchers, Dr. John Gottman, introduced to us this concept of emotional bids. In fact, we covered this as an entire month. Yes. Theme after theme. Episode after episode for an entire month was all around this exact theme. And check it out. It was September 2018. Way back machine. Because research conclusively shows that your ability to react positively to emotional bids is a solid indicator of a healthy relationship. In fact, during the month, many listeners wrote in to tell us that they listened to those episodes with their partners and their relationships were strengthened. And let's go into this a bit, right? We're talking about this. I need to look at this person's social media so I can go into this date with a whole arsenal of things to talk about. And actually with Dr. John Gottman, all you need to be able to do is validate their emotional bids. An emotional bid. So then this and this and when you strip everything away and just focus on being present and listening so you can pick these up, dates go amazing. Connection goes amazing. And then you could work from there. One of my favorite things I was going to a date and my Uber driver, she was very curious why I was dressed up and I told her and she was like, she's like, oh, I hate going on dates or so it's a drag or so. So much anxiety and stress. And I'm like, actually at this point, I quite enjoy them. It's better entertainment than any television show or any Netflix special that you could come up with. Serial data response. It's quite interesting. I get a lot of entertainment from them. And you, well, you get the story afterwards. I get to hear it all on the rower. Now, Dr. Gottman is one of the world's leading experts on relationships. And he coined this term emotional bid. Now an emotional bid is nothing more than one person's attempt to establish an emotional connection. These can be very deliberate and overt or very subtle. Something as simple as you'll never guess what my boss told me today or I'm really stressed about this project at work or even as simple as I like this cup of coffee is one person's attempt to get a response and get some validation from the other person. Now, what we're saying is most of us struggle in our romantic relationships because of swipe life, too many options and not being comfortable actually picking one like a serial data is in Johnny. So those of you who've been swiped have experienced Johnny in your life, I'm sure. The other one is we are so in our head we're so worried about ourselves and some of us are so self-absorbed that we're not actually catching our partners or potential partners bids for connection. Now, Dr. Gottman calls this turning away from an emotional bid. When someone attempts to connect with us and we don't respond to it that builds a very small amount of resentment. Now you can imagine over time that resentment builds to disrupt the entire relationship and dissolve it and even end in divorce. So those of us who are in romantic relationships and the month of September last year helped my relationship with Amy tremendously and I've been very conscious of validating and turning towards her emotional bids. I think the letters that we had got from that month says it all. I mean, it was overwhelming and it was great to be able to do something like that and really get you guys engaged. And you don't have to agree with what they're saying. You're simply letting them know you understand where that emotion is coming from. You can understand why they're nervous. You can understand why they're frustrated. You can understand why they love that tea if they're a tea connoisseur. When Dr. Gottman analyzed the conversations of married couples that last, we're talking married couples that have been happy relationships for 40, 50 years, they turned towards each other's emotional bids 20 times more than unhappy couples. So when you think about all the moments your partner, potential partner expresses that bid, expresses that attempt for emotional connection, make sure you're turning towards it and accepting it and validating those emotions. When he studied the same behavior in newlyweds throughout conversations that they had in his laboratory and he nicknamed this the love lab, he found that those who were married six years later turned towards their partner's emotional bids 86% of the time. Those that ended up getting divorced six years later had only turned towards their partner's emotional bids 32% of the time. You know, something to go along with this when I was thinking about it when we were putting this together and it's such a lovely concept. And we understand in order to recognize these emotional bids, you have to be present. You have to be listening. You can't be on swipe life and picking up emotional bids. You can't be on Instagram and picking up somebody's emotional bids. Now, with everyone being so busy, with people's work coming home with them now and the rest of all the competition for your attention, the idea like, well, you know, we should schedule a few hours of evening that we are present with each other. And I can understand people's hesitation towards that because it's like, well, I'd like for us to, for it to be organic and natural. And unfortunately, we're just now at a place where if it's not getting scheduled in, it's not happening. Yeah, and unfortunately, a lot of us are so distracted by all those things we can't even possibly pay attention to these emotional bids. So if you're listening and you feel that your relationship might be suffering a little bit, might be a little rocky, check out episode 719 to 722, open up your podcast app, go to the art of charm, scroll through, download those episodes. You're gonna get a lot out of them. Now, we wanna transition to relationships at work. A lot of us struggle in this area as well. We're running into some difficulty with our coworkers or we're trying to make a great impact on a new team. Now, these are the second relationships in our life. It comes right after that significant other or spouse, who are we spending our time with, our coworkers. And I'm sitting across from my coworker and I know over the years, we've had some strife, we've had some disagreements, we've had some conflict, but at the same time, navigating that conflict has made us a stronger team and ultimately has made us better friends. So we also not only become a stronger team with our coworkers, but a lot of us end up having friendships with our coworkers when we do it right. So why are these relationships so influential? Well, obviously we spend a lot of time together, right? We're working together, you're gonna spend time with your coworkers. They also have a huge impact on career opportunities and income. If you're not making a great impression on your coworkers or your boss, well, odds are you're gonna struggle when it comes to promotions, you're gonna struggle with references, you're gonna struggle in your career to make ends meet. And also, let's be honest, work is stressful. And if we're not managing the relationships in our work life, it's gonna cause problems in a lot of areas in our life. And for many people, work and purpose are interlinked. So it makes sense that the workplace is where we're gonna find some of our purpose or all of our purpose and those meaningful connections are also gonna come together. So it allows us to pay all of our bills and go on vacation and having a happy life with your coworkers, a happy relationship with your coworkers goes a long way. Now, the science behind this really introduces a fascinating concept and I've heard this talked about in sports, that was the first time I heard it, this concept of a glue guy or a glue gal. But what do we mean by that, right? What do we mean by a glue guy or a glue gal? Well, these, when it comes to teammates are typically the behind the scenes teammates. They're not the stars on the team, but they're the people who manage the emotional state of the team, especially when it comes to adversity and helping those teams get through the lower ports of their season. Now, the glue guys are the ones in the high stress environment that tend to be the loosest, that tend to be the most relaxed, that allow everyone else on the team to feel relaxed and perform in these high stress situations. And psychologists have found that very often the success of a winning team can not only be traced back to the key players or the coach, but to these players they've named the glue guys or glue gals. And these are, as I said, the background players, the bench warmers that tend to step up in key occasions throughout the season and their personality and support of the team is what holds it together to push them forward. These same individuals show up in the corporate environment. Organizational psychologists also see the same phenomenon. They're the ones who are actively investing in relationships. They're curious about how their colleagues are doing, they're checking in, they're looking to support, they have that friendly smile on at work, they're open to conversation so their coworkers can let off some steam, can talk through some issues, and they genuinely care about the people they work with. I think there is a reward in being that guy that's able to loosen up the rest of that team. And it's also, there's a reward coming from being somebody that they can count on for support and encouragement because for the team leaders who all the stress is on, they act as relief valves, right? And without that relief valve, the leaders of that can crumble under the pressure and stress that is constantly being put on them to perform. And when we think about this whole idea of glue, glue is what holds the team together. So they're the ones who are going to be the most resilient, the least influenced by positive or negative emotions, the most willing to step up in that support role. And this doesn't mean that they have to be top performers, right? A lot of times listening, offering some words of encouragement, celebrating your teammates, and giving gratitude. This is fascinating. In a 2009 study beyond reciprocity, gratitude and relationships in everyday light, Sarah Alglue and team showed that gratitude creates a self-perpetuating cycle that fosters relationship growth between individuals and the team as a whole. When we start showing gratitude to our team members, we're leading from the seat that we're in, we can become that glue guy or glue gal in our work organization. And think about what some would consider talents and others would cannot consider talents but are there within those people. The willingness to show up on time every day and make it work, the guy who's gonna clock in the stability to be there day in, day out, grind it out. The person who is able to see the positives in everybody and no matter how their coworkers are feeling are able to focus on those things and lift those people up when they're feeling down on themselves. The person who is willing to be there all day and if you need somebody to stay at the office afterwards and help you out with some things, you know that they have you on their back. And these aren't things that you need to be born with. You can be an integral part of that team just by taking that responsibility. And this is some of the small things where I know that a lot of times on a team or in an office, if you're not the star or the person everyone's counting on, you can feel as if you've been lost in the shuffle but this is where you and I, we've talked about this all the time, lead from the seat you're in. Those traits will be seen by the right people because you cannot have a functioning, excited, a passionate team without these guys. At all, it ends there. And that's why GLU is exactly what they're called. Now, gratitude is a great way to do this. Expressing gratitude for your teammates and team members and celebrating when they're giving those small victories or big victories, thanking them for their efforts is huge. Another one that is absolutely fantastic is asking for help. Oftentimes it's difficult to get your coworkers to do what's needed. But simply saying, I need your help with something can prime them to feel needed and allow them to feel like they're making a difference. And when we're making a difference and when we feel needed as humans, we lean in. We relish that role. And let's be honest, there's always going to be confrontation on the team as well. There's going to be strife. There's going to be situations where team members are upset and simply being the person that says, that's completely understandable. You know, earlier today, I was doing a Facebook Live with the challenge group and one of the questions that I got was from somebody who was asking, is being too honest a weakness? And somebody who was trying to answer that posted some of Robert Green's Laws of Power where, oh, I would try not to give too much information, try to hold back, try to show some misery. And I understand that those sort of things, those tactical ideas work when they're in competition or to intimidate. But when you're on a team, intimidation should not be on your mind. Revenge should not be on your mind unless it's for the other team, not within your group. And I was laughing at it because obviously I have to think about the work relationship that I know best, right? It's ours and everything that we've put together and of 12 years of building this. I know that in those times where things aren't moving all that well or that were difficult, it was the honesty that we were able to lean into that we're able to ride out the storms. Larger poison for the team than dishonesty. And there are team members that are no longer team members because of the dishonesty. So when you're trying to build and foster a team that supports one another, you have to be honest. You have to be open. When you're choosing to withhold information, you're damaging the sanctity of that team. And how many times have we seen it where somebody was withholding information because they were looking to cruise ahead, right? And it's like, okay, now you've chosen yourself over the idea. You've chosen yourself over the company. And when we had put this together, it was about the company. It was about the idea. It was about the vision. And the other thing that I was able to talk about in that Facebook Live was that through vision and through having the same ideas, because his other question is, do you and AJ seem so different? And I was like, well, we are. There's a giant, well, not a giant, but there's an age difference. There's hobbies different. We're almost like a giant. I like giant. I'm sure you like that. There's a height difference. Yeah, there's differences. There's quite a lot. But those things go to the side when it comes to passion, vision, and the fight for the idea. And you can only have those things and believe that everyone's fighting for the same things if honesty played a large role in building those things. Trust is built on honesty. Trust is severed with dishonesty. So how do we join the challenge? Johnny goes live on Facebook in the private challenge group. You can check it out. We have some social skills challenges to get you moving outside of your comfort zone. Shake some things up if you need. You can check that out at theartofcharm.com slash challenge. Now, when we're asking for help or when someone is angry and we're telling them, hey, that's completely understandable, we are validating the other person on the team. That allows us to become that glue guy, that glue gal. Here's another little hack and we're gonna talk more about toxicity and how to deal with toxic people, but we've all been there. We're sitting there, we're having our lunch and all of a sudden our coworker wants to come over and gossip and get something off their chest about another coworker. And how do we handle that gossip? How can we navigate it like a pro? This is what I love. I love this tip. Shutting that gossip down with a compliment about the person they're gossiping. Saying, you know what? I think Steve is awesome at customer service though. I love that. That diffuses the negative conversation, allows everyone in the room to see you're keeping it positive and you're leading from the seat you're in. There again is nothing more toxic than backstabbing, gossiping and not being able to say things that matter in front of the people that matter. So we have a challenge for you. We wanna help you make the most of your work relationships because we know they're a big part of our lives. As you go through your work week and you chat with your colleagues, make it a goal this week to find out one new thing about each one of them that you didn't know. Maybe it's their hobby or what they have planned for an upcoming vacation or maybe it's what their favorite restaurant is and why. It's not about the exact question. It's simply about investing a little bit more in your team members, moving away from that common small talk questions and just being genuinely curious about the other people. Those little moments go a long way and even in our team, everyone in our team is working on themselves. They got a bunch of hobbies and a bunch of things going on outside of work and when you can surprise them with a pat on the back, hey great show Johnny, hey I saw that you guys killed it and Improv, Aaron and Suzanne. Those go a long way towards celebrating your team members. You're taking a risk by being vulnerable and getting excited for what they have going on and we're gonna discuss that in part three as well. Now the challenge doesn't just stop there because we want you to remember what you learned about them. Just getting information and not doing anything with it is a disservice to your team members. So a few days later, bring this back up. That shows them that not only you're curious but that you care and when you start caring to remember about those details in your coworkers' lives, goes a long way towards positioning yourself as that glue guy or glue gal that we learned today holds the team together. Now if you're a freelancer working by yourself then bring that interest to your clients. Invest in your clients. They are technically your coworkers as a freelancer. Last month's toolbox, we covered an amazing study and this one is worth going into again because when we talk about relationships, obviously this is a scary statistic. Now the study we referred to was done by Miller McPherson and his team. Their paper, Social Isolation in America, Changes in Core Discussion Networks Over Two Decades found that between 1985 and 2004, the number of people saying there is no one with whom they can discuss important matters in their life nearly tripled. So in 1995, when participants were asked how many close confidants they had, the most common answer was three. By 2004, the most common answer was zero. And I know, Johnny, we see this in our bootcamp participants, both the men and the women. We just wrapped a women's program and they have this feeling and I've been through it myself, moving, changing careers that you don't have any close friends. You have acquaintances, you have some coworkers, you spend some time around, you got your buddies that you're in the beer league with, you got your buddies that you hang out with at the bar, but you don't really have the vulnerability and the connection with them to share some of your deepest secrets, some of the darker issues that you're working through and struggling with. And we actually have a homework exercise in bootcamp where we ask you to reach out to your five closest friends and be a little vulnerable. And it is one of the most nerve-wracking exercises during the week because, going into it, a lot of people realize, well, wow, AJ, I haven't been that vulnerable with the people in my life that matter to me. And this statistic is just shocking. It's sad to think about that 20 years ago, we had three close confidants in our life we could lean on and now we're feeling that we're out here all alone. Well, with any science that we get that is shocking and it's not too hopeful, by embracing it, you can fix that. And that's why I was excited that we would start off with this when it comes to the platonic relationships that we want to discuss because we should be starting with that. We should understand that what you're feeling, the isolation you're feeling, the loneliness that you're feeling is shared, it's common. Everyone is feeling that. So what are we going to do about it? And I think the other misconception or myth that we've been busting for the last 12 years is that you can learn social skills. You're not just born to suffer through some anxiety, awkwardness, and not connect with people, right? There are a lot of people listening who are like, I don't have friends, I don't know how to get friends. I don't even know what it would take. Well, guess what? You can learn it. We've been preaching it here on the show. We've been preaching it in our bootcamps. You can learn social skills. Yeah, you know, this is interesting. We're seeing this more and more. And that uncomfortable feeling of being alone, how do you cast that aside? What do you do to not feel that way? You pull out your phone, you get on your laptop, people can't even stand in line at the bank anymore and have some thoughts about what they're feeling and what's going on and how they wanna fix it. Because of this, there is a lot of people who are refusing to work on themselves at any capacity anymore. And certainly even the idea of diffusing thoughts and feelings that are attached together that need you to be reflective in order to separate those. And not only are these people continuing to feel more and more alone, those skills that they would use to fix that are being eroded and it's showing up everywhere. And I think that is another reason to why social media has turned into such a shit show. Well, as we learned earlier in the episode, so was online dating. That, absolutely. We look around. Absolutely. We feel judged based on the comparisons that we're doing with everyone we're seeing in social and all of these profiles. And then on top of it, we're also really hard on ourselves because we're struggling to make these connections. So how do we fix that? The first step is making an effort. Yeah. Making an effort. And it doesn't have to be a Herculean effort. It's not pushing a boulder up a mountain, but inviting people out into your life of brown the things that you're excited about. Well, AJ, what if I invite some people out to do something and they don't show up? Great. They at least know that you're looking for a relationship. You're taking that step. You know, and the reason I said that was, and you mentioned it, it doesn't need to be this Herculean effort. We are seeing some of the smallest things having the largest impact on everyone's lives. And this is why this show is popular. This is why people enjoy listening to it because when they hear these small things that they have been missing in their lives, they implement this and their lives get enriched, they start to feel better. Well, then you dive into self-development, like what are the awesome things that are small that I can do that have this large effect on my happiness, my well-being, and those people who are around me? And what I love doing personally is inviting people out, especially when I'm seeing something go on in their feed that they're excited or proud of. Yeah. You know, I've had friends win business awards. I've had friends go on amazing vacations and come back from them and wanna talk about them. And all I'm doing is inviting them out to dinner and cheersing them and cheersing the things in their life. I'm not pounding the like button on Facebook. I'm not giving them the little heart on Instagram, but I'm actually inviting them out for a human interaction to celebrate them. I love that you mentioned the like button. How many times have your friends, and this is to you out there who are listening, who are celebrating something and you hit like, and you were like, well, I like their post. What do you mean she's mad at me? Yeah. I said congratulations. I don't understand where all the shade's coming from. And I'm sorry, but that is, and we've talked about how that action is such a surface level, it's junk food. It is the same as eating a whopper and saying, yeah, I'm good to go. You're not good to go. You're eating garbage. And that is garbage connection. Yeah, when we just rely on social media for our communication with the people that matter and for our celebration of the people that matter in our lives, we're doing ourselves a disservice because it's not a real connection. It's not fostering anything. And I know very few people who pay attention to every single like and every single comment they get. But guess what? They pay attention to who's inviting them out. They pay attention when their phone is ringing and you actually wanna have a conversation with them. I had this vision and I think this vision, it probably goes to a lot of the reading and the research that I do. But when you do a lot of research on this stuff, you have to start looking at primates and how they interact in interactive groups. And when you read this participant study from 1985 to 2004. So I had this vision of this lone chimp in the corner, alone, scared, terrified. And all that you want to do for this poor animal is to hug it, give it some food, nurture it, welcome it back into some happiness and get it laughing. And we're not so far removed from that frightened, scared chimp. Yeah, we all need a hug. We all need a little human connection. Yes. So when we talk about showing up for the people in your lives that matter and trying to foster these friendships that we know are so important to our mental health, the easiest way to do that is to look at what we perceive as value and that's give them some attention and give them some attention off of social media. The second thing is appreciate them, approve of them, celebrate them. Yes. And do it in person. And the last thing is acceptance. We're all looking for acceptance. The easiest way to give someone acceptance is to give them an invite. Invite them out. Invite them to hang out with you. Invite them over to check out Fortnite. Whatever it is that you're doing, invite people in instead of waiting for that invite. When you start to take control of your social life and you start to be more vulnerable and show up for the people around you, they automatically start to feel closer to you. That's the power in this. Instead, if all we're doing is waiting for other people to show up and waiting for other people to invite us, well, we are gonna be that lonely chimp in the corner. You know, and to go along with that, and we were talking about putting yourself out there and be the leader, you know, making, putting this action together and for myself. And I don't know if I said it on this show, but I think I said it at dinner a few nights ago where I had a friend who contacted me and said, hey, this is, well, let me preface this to you. This is a friend that we would go out. I'd see him at some shows, would have some drinks and we'd chat, but that was the extent of our relationship. And then one afternoon he texted me and he's like, hey, what are you doing this weekend? Would you wanna grab some lunch or dinner? And now that's out of the blue. That was odd. And what do you think my first thought was? What does this guy want? What does this guy want, right? Cause usually I'm the one making, putting myself out there. And so I'm like, yeah, sure. You know, that'd be rad. I was a little bit curious. I'm trying to, and I'm going through like scenarios that have happened. Maybe something happened to work or whatever. And so I was playing out the evening before our dinner and he shows up at the show. And I said, hey, I'm really excited to go to dinner tomorrow. But I was curious, is there something in particular that you wanted to discuss? And he says, well, no, I just figured we'd just hang out. I see all the time we don't really get to chat. And I was like, oh, well, right on. And the next day we had a wonderful two hour dinner. We were just talking about all sorts of stuff and work and just all, and it was wonderful. It was amazing. And here's what's great about this. You know, I finally got to experience to be on the other side of that. And how wonderful that was. And for myself to be on the other side, understanding that, it's like, well, why wouldn't I want to do that more for other people? Absolutely. And if you think about it, we've all had that awkward moment with people in our lives of who's gonna make the first move? Who's gonna connect us? All we're saying is be the leader. Be the person that's going out, high-fiving people, celebrating the people that you're interacting with and inviting them into your life and giving them an opportunity to get closer to you instead of waiting. Now, when we talk about going to events, identify some things that interest you. All major cities have a bunch of activities and events going on. Pick up your local paper, check out online, what's going on, start making some plans early enough in the week, and then just send out the invite. And here's the best part. If people can't show up, it's not a big deal. You're still going out to experience the show you want. You're still catching that comedian you love. You're still enjoying yourself. And that invite has a little bit of a social contract tied to it. Of course. Another person now feels inclined to invite you to something else or make it up to you if they miss that opportunity. Most people are not just gonna turn down an invite and then drop off the face of the earth. They're gonna see that effort as something that, yes, this person wants to build a deeper relationship with me. You know, to go along with that, all the studies that have been shown of how even like folks in the military who have put themselves in stressful situations, when they get back to America and when they get back home that stimulus and that camaraderie of that that goes along with being in those situations together is gone, those guys try to figure out ways to get back in that action. They get back in feeling that camaraderie that goes along with those stressful situations. You're not gonna find that playing Call of Duty. No. As much as we'd like to put on the VR headset and pretend we are. And then it goes one step further. Okay, so what can you do to find yourself in stressful situations or adversity with people who are close to you to build and strengthen these relationships that you wouldn't have 30 years ago but that you're not having now? Well, as you were saying, of going and supporting your friends who are putting themselves out there, guess what? To put a show together, to put your art up for people to see, to get on stage for the first time to give your best shot at a comedy bit. This is the scary stuff that the people around you are working so hard to get through. And if you can be there for that person to be their cheerleader, to egg them on, to support them and high-five them when they walk off safe, when they're covered in sweat because it was such a terrifying experience, you now have- Are building a real connection. You're building a real friendship. And the other thing is we gotta get vulnerable. We all have our struggles. Reach out to the people around you and ask for some help. Hey, I'm struggling with this. Can you help me out? That ask for help, again, is a strong signal and sign to someone else that you're looking for a connection, that you're looking to build something deeper. A lot of us, we wanna put up this shell, we don't wanna show any vulnerability and in doing so, we're not connected. We're just merely acquaintances with people. Well, to go along with something we touched on earlier in this episode when it came to work friends, right? It's there, you're gonna be in stressful situations where that camaraderie is going to be built of cheering somebody on, being with them at low times, high times. And you can find that outside of work. It's not gonna be difficult. Find out what their passion about seeing, find out what people are putting themselves through. For instance, when we did the race in October, right? To have people come down to cheer us on. I mean, how amazing was that? You know, for our trainer, who we figured he just hated us, look at him. Well, we still think he hates us, but he showed up. He showed up. And that's what I mean. Showing up for people is the clearest signal that you're ready to foster a deeper relationship with them. And as somebody who puts on shows here in Los Angeles and I invite my friends and I perform regularly, I know who shows up. I know who's at that show. I know when they show up. I know what band had come to see. I get all that information. And I know that the power of the invite in going to events, it works. In fact, in core confidence, our group coaching program, Coach Michael has an entire week dedicated to this. And everyone gets this homework assignment and thinks, oh, I don't know. I don't wanna get turned down. I don't wanna put out the invite and people don't show up. And then I have to go alone. And without fail, the following week on their session, they get excited and go, this was so easy. I can't believe it. Guess what? A lot of people don't have time to plan out this amazing social life. They're just looking and waiting for an invite. How many times have you gotten an invite and been excited to be like, yeah, I'm gonna show up? It's great. So put in a little bit of legwork, a little bit of effort, it goes a long way towards fostering those friendships. But if you want encouragement to do things that you find difficult but you've always wanted to do them, the way you're gonna get people to show up is for showing up for them. Absolutely. And when we talked earlier in this episode, what do we say? Most of us are gonna end up with someone in a romantic relationship through our social network, through our friends. So working on fostering more friendships is the easiest way to grow your opportunities with the opposite sex. So if you're sitting here single, getting ready for Valentine's Day, putting some effort into your friends, inviting your single friends out for a fun night, will also strengthen your ability throughout this upcoming year, 2019, to maybe find that person you're looking for. It all starts with you. Now let's end this episode with the most important relationship we all have in our lives, ourselves. A lot of us are beating ourselves up. We're not our biggest cheerleader, our biggest fan. We don't give ourselves room for the vulnerability or the mistakes that need to happen for us to grow. Here's one, how do you show up for yourself? How do we show up for ourselves? By putting your goddamn phone down when you're at the bank and think about what you're feeling, what's going on, and getting in touch with somebody and showing up. Yeah, and not looking for that escape, right? Not looking for the nearest video game console or the quickest hit of dopamine on your Instagram. Oh no, I'm uncomfortable. Need the phone. Right, that's safety mechanism. I'm uncomfortable, gotta get on Facebook. I gotta see what someone says doing on Instagram. So when we're looking for that loving partner, when we're looking for stronger relationships at work or with friends, we gotta start some self-love and we gotta start caring about ourselves and putting ourselves first, thinking a lot about how we can be a better person and ultimately that's gonna then follow through in this showing up, whether it's in your romantic relationships, in your professional relationships, or those platonic relationships. And when we build on ourselves, all these other things fall into place. We were talking about earlier today. So identifying your passions, working on yourself, you're gonna have a wealth of opportunities to meet some new people and foster connections. You know, and this is why I think our alumni enjoy all the activities that we have at ANC, right? We have a tough mutter coming up that we invited our alumni to go to. We have masterminds. We have one in Tulum coming up. And it's once again, here's an opportunity to be around great people who are like-minded people who are looking to better themselves where you can connect. I mean, and it's these moments that these guys and girls are cherishing because they are building the lives and doing the things they've always wanted to do happily with support. And what's so amazing about the week-long program is throughout the week, we're working on ourselves, we're getting vulnerable with our classmates. And at the end of the week, you end it with six, seven, eight new friends. And a lot of our alumni go on and travel together. And as Johnny said, they're looking forward to these events because we've been able to foster an amazing community now of men and women who are looking to get better socially or looking to be a bit more charming and ultimately just get more out of life. Well, and part of that fun is for the opportunity for us to be doing some of these crazy adventures for the first time surrounded by you all. Absolutely. It's crazy. And if you're ready to become one of our alumni, check out the Art of Charm Bootcamp. You can go to theartofcharm.com slash bootcamp for more. Now we've covered three types of relationship in these episodes, the first being romantic, obviously top of everyone's mind with Valentine's Day quickly approaching. We also talked about professional relationships and how important it is to be that glue guy or glue guy. And lastly, we talked about how we can start strengthening some of those acquaintances and relationships in our lives and move them into closer friends through showing up, giving them some value and ultimately being a better person ourselves, working on ourselves. So we're gonna end with one question for you today. What interesting fact did you find out about that colleague? We wanna know. Add it on social, hit us up at theartofcharm on Instagram and Twitter. What did you find out from your coworkers that you weren't expecting following this week's challenge? We'd love to hear from you. As always, we're gonna wrap this month with a Q&A session. If you have some questions, you'd love to hear me, Johnny, or our upcoming guest answer, go to theartofcharm.com slash questions. You could submit an audio question, a written question. We'd love to hear it. You can also just email us questions at theartofcharm. And as always, you can find us on Instagram and social at theartofcharm. If you could do us a favor before we wrap, we would love a review and iTunes. Go ahead, search theartofcharm, look us up, give us the proper amount of stars and let us know what you're thinking about the show. Johnny and I love seeing the reviews. Until next week, have a happy Valentine's Day. Cheers, y'all.