 Ha Brest implants on babies. Yeah would not be sexy. We're just gonna have to agree to disagree. Are we alive man? No, episode number 18 of the Martin, Markle fully actual podcast and Wow Wow, this is gonna be a great episode, I'll tell you why one. This just broke Fuck off your bro. Oh, how do you break them to help? What are you fucking talking about? I'm just touching it or touching it is breaking it Man, we're getting you a new chair in two episodes this can't happen. Oh look I'm breaking it Matt Oh, I'm breaking it. Don't yell at me. You're the one who broke it All right And we're back. Sorry about that. Anyway a fucking jam-packed episode my guts are a grumbler Oh, yeah, so I think that there's gonna be some some fart art today Our partners here Monique and Amber. So they've promised me but they'll fucking look away When I'm doing my thing. That was the only thing because You can you imagine? Yeah, well, why are you so afraid if they see because it's like that Modern will never be attracted to me ever again Dude, it's a fart art. It's a beautiful thing is so true and I will spoil you boys today Oh Like at least I reckon like 30 episodes since you farted. Yeah, I know it's ridiculous We got prank call we're gonna try the billboard guy again But if he doesn't answer we've we got a plan B We're gonna this random note was at Michael's house today. So we're gonna call it It's from the RSPCA and it just got a number on it And so I'll prank call that worst-case scenario. What else we got and we got we're gonna try the screaming segment Where we just call someone and scream until they hang up Do you reckon we should do lockie? We use lockie and Greg for literally every Thing there is we need to expand our mind lockie for the lie I would just yell at screamer Julian because he'd hang up I reckon we call lockie and we scream at him and then we call him back and Lie to him and say that we didn't scream to him I reckon we call Domino's and scream at him. Okay. Yeah, we do both maybe it does Have to be someone we know Anything I'm down for anything and what else is that is there anything else in you that's happening? Yeah, you guys want to oh yeah onto shit talk and fucking out We had a bit of a fucking wild one didn't we hey don't even remember what the movie is about Fully just don't know what it's about Did you watch it? Yeah, we'll sit in there Looking at the screen but for fucking no shit I reckon at least 15 minutes of the movie because the Carson crew is directly in the row behind us Michael and I were greedy little pigs and we want to be right up at the front and the whole Carson crews behind us So and like fucking half an hour into the movie We've had a fair few drinks and I start hiccuping so loudly and it's so hard trying to muffle it And it's like the longest fucking hiccups I've ever had and then as soon as I'm done Michael starts hiccuping but Michael just doesn't give a shit how loud his hiccups are so he's sitting there a mouth open Fucking loudly and man. We had a fucking wild night. We went to this red carpet event Oh, my god promote this movie called spider heads with Chris Hemsworth in it. We're told he'd be there And we thought red carpet event meant red carpet like a black tie event. Do you wear a black tie? Do you know what that means Matt? Doesn't that mean you wear? Like a it's like suit. It's not as necessary a black tie. It's like what about a 70s party Matt You go dress the 70s. Yeah. Yeah, so red carpet event. We think red carpet So we wore red carpet to the event. It was so funny. Did you meet Chris Hemsworth? So annoying Second where we could have spoken to him I would have been there I was just but he's yeah, look pause. He's going to bed now. Everyone shut up Look right at my knee in fear and he wasn't looking There's so much pressure on my cheeks. There was a little flick. Yeah. Yeah, it started I feel something swirling. I'm getting a lot of false positive readings now. I Don't know when it's ready and when it's not Well, like I just gotta relax. I just gotta relax. It could come back, right? Yeah, you're fucking better come back. I've been holding this shit in for an hour He never holds him, but I made him hold him today. So you're on the red carpet We're on the red carpet Chris Hemsworth isn't there Lied to he came to talk about have a quick interview before the movie Then he fucked off out of there and we didn't get even get a chance. That's some of the tick-tockers and shit there We met some Netflix people. We did some crazy. Look away And that's your fault Monique Anyway, it was a wild night. We had a lot to drink Michael fucking smuggled drugs. Oh, don't say it like that Just getting the cobwebs out it's getting the cobs. It's gonna be fine. Okay, Monty's hit a party tonight Oh So many interruptions Anyway, I'm so scared. Sorry, look they're confused. They don't know how it happens Anyway, so Michael smuggles marijuana in his pants Okay, it was oregano over to Sydney, right? I and then after we finished the red carpet event We tossed our rags to the side and we went home and we had a big old joint And that's when Fucking hold it in man. Something goes wrong It's all like clogged up and gapped So gapped But there's so much of it, but there's large gaps in between in my gut Matt And anyway, we went back to the room and smoked a fucking fat one Weaned out and Michael fully greened out and I don't know if you saw our stories, but man It was fucking fucking holy shes vomiting hot chips Just had like a whole large chips Matt and then I had to vomit that up. It was like warm potato paste And it was just so much of it and it had to come up in clumps because it was like just so pasty And then and then the whole next morning. Oh my god, what a fuck around We wake up early wanting to get home early, right? Then we fucking where what are we waiting for the uber? Oh, yeah, we're about to get in the taxi Michael looks at his phone. Oh jet-star message. Yes. Yeah flights cancelled Yesterday, yeah, we thought it was like a confirmation text thing Heaps of him before the flight you didn't they sent it like at like five o'clock when we'd got to like the event Yeah, so it was already too late We got interviewed by Channel 10 too, and I'm pretty sure that what's her name again Tracy Bishop Tracy bishops No, no channel 10 Angie Bishop I don't know anybody from anyway. She interviewed us and She was like, oh, what type of content do you do and Michael told her about the corn recycling video that we've done So I haven't seen that on channel 10 yet, and I highly doubt that they will put that on But yeah, there's some crazy videos on our website. Oh, yeah, we've logged it. So that's how we're gonna be out Not now soon. I don't want to I don't know what's going on man. I won't make you hold it anymore I'm sorry for making you hold it that is now feel all fucking Anyway, yeah, we've logged the whole fucking thing and that'll be out on the website soon All right, so if you want to see our wild night being red carpet at a red carpet event Sign up Matt sorry Hang on we're not there yet. Yeah, we aren't there yet man We just spent 20 minutes trying to tell one story with like 15 attempts at farts. What happened and then right We wake up we get to the airport and we're like, oh, we got to buy the fucking next available It's not till midday and it costs a lot of money if you if you know, you know book flies So they didn't give you another flight. They just can't they're all full. They're jet-star. Yeah jet-star like Just go bust already jet-star. Who the fuck flies jet-star anymore such a piece of shit Airline wait, so I booked it Canceled your flight and then they're like and cancel all the other ones How are you meant to get home? Well, there's book another one. Let me just interrupt you. There was a power outage Michael the microphone now look away. I think you need to hold out. Just a little bit What do you mean hold out man? I've been holding out all no, you know, you know, you know get with me You're just you're trying to get him out of little bits. I think something's broken if you hold on feels like a large amount of air in me I can just go as hard as you can as fast as you can. I don't want to shit here, man Well, don't shit, but like try and get it out faster so it's allowed us out I am going as hard as I can okay, sorry, but you do have to sort of do my best This is gonna suck for anyone watching us doing well. Yeah. Yeah people people look it's What's worth it if I can get one and again something happening I can feel something happening just hold off wait for the next feeling Just see if it builds up This is exactly what got me in this mess. Just wait Anyway, we booked a flight for midday jet stars fucked and then I realized we're checking Well, I'll just go check in and sleep on the floor somewhere as we're checking in. I'm looking I've left my watch my ring and Something else at the at the place where we stayed so it's worked out. All right So I was like, oh, let's just uber it back and checkouts not till 10 from our place So then we can have a sleep for another hour. Yeah, we had another nap So we get there we get into the room and my ring and watch isn't there and I'm like, oh fuck It's in my bag So we didn't even need to go back to the room. We sleep for an hour We go back to the airport and we fly home as soon as I get home as a fucking possum in my bedroom and Are you right Matt it was fucked anyway, it was a fucked day and oh my god Hungover as fuck. Be careful everyone Michael's vomiting all the next day We had to get out of the cab just a word to trigger you to follow. I was watching a story or something And someone mentioned vodka and he's like turn it off. Turn it off I kept pausing it and I'm pausing and I'm pausing driver can pull over now pull over now He's like $200 fine. I was like, oh shit, and then I just went out into the pool So wasted. I was just checking. Yeah I could have dragged that out for at least three seconds next time you attack them. I see just can't win Anyway words can trigger you to vomit. That's for sure Sam. So though you got home the possums in the house Yeah possums in the house I call the fucking possum cunt and that because the possum must have crawled in the night before Because I wasn't at home and neither was mine. It was just Bosley there. It must have gotten in somehow and Fucking out. There's just a possum on the curtain rail Maybe then I kept trying to broom it out the window But it was just too scared of me and and then I call the possum guy and he said just wait till night time and it'll leave So just open the window and then sure enough at night time. I fucked off Thank God and left a huge pile of possum shit in our bedroom. Oh, yeah Yes, yes immediately I cleaned it Michael. I did not wait Wow Whatever do you think Bosley and the possum had a bit of a Bosley wasn't happy with its presence there. He kept like jumping up and making real weird sounds He wasn't happy that it was there. Do you reckon they had a bit of a battle when it was just them too? No, if Bosley saw it he would he would have charged it and tried to tear it into pieces. Wow. What's wrong? What's wrong? Sorry. All right, and that's shit talk What happened to you on the fucking weekend, huh the fuck were you doing hunting stalking waiting lurking feeling swelling tossing coming Wow, that was a lot of yeah, I don't know. I just spent the whole weekend sending messages to either with no reply Oh Everyone message Ilaro Doherty and tell her that Matt's been messaging her and she hasn't been replying All right, ringworm the fully actual army go to Ilaro Doherty's Instagram. Oh, don't say no Because you didn't reply to his messages and he's been thinking about you What else happened that Yeah, I hung out with James watch some UFC. Oh, yeah, and you went cactus hunting. Oh, no, no, I didn't do that I didn't do that. You just chilled at home and played command and conquer Oh Yeah, I really enjoyed that game Yeah, I never played it. It was like Age of Empires, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was it was a great game And to be honest, they should really think about remaking it. They have so I think they did. No, they didn't yep What does it mean? Matt just be careful your toilet All right Only two more episodes everyone and mr. Brown gets a new fucking chair and he's gonna look so Spectacular in his oh, it's good. Can we give it to him today? Oh, I really wanted to a but I feel like we got a lot of good shit this episode We cuz we had great stories in the weekend and you just spent you just fucked them with this fart interruptions Yeah, yeah, sorry about that ruin the start of the podcast That's okay. There's hope is now they know to stick around because there's gonna be better ones I really hope that there's better ones. There will be really what you did down there before but up here Maybe I've just forgotten how to do it be perfect if they were there, but they're not they will be I can feel it man They're there. Maybe we just cut all of them. Anyway, that's shit for the weekend All right, and let me fucking tell you about our sponsors cunt Yeah, you were depressed lonely bag of shit sitting at home with no one to look at but yourself and porn We'll fucking listen here dickhead go to manscape.com you fucking wanker and buy their fucking shit cunt All right manscape.com. They have the best male grooming products that anyone has ever seen in the fucking world And that is a true Fact there is a survey done. It's real survey done and manscape has the best products in the world Do you understand go to manscape.com right buy a bunch of their shit Use that discount code fully actual 20 for 20 percent off and then groom yourself So that you want a lonely pig sitting at home watching porn Okay, manscape.com fully actual 20 we use their shit Michael I used it on the weekend Hey, I actually use it on the weekend. Did you have sex on the weekend? No, did did you have sex on the weekend? No You did have sex on the weekend have sex on the weekend. Oh My god, he did have sex on the weekend. How would you two know? I didn't say shit. Yeah, who did you have sex with no one? Who did you have? Oh, he's dead girls or two-year-old two girls or a two-year-old two girls What the fuck are you going about? Holy shit mad brown? We have a good brown installed for today Matt doesn't you're gonna love anymore Matt doesn't even tell us anymore because the podcast has overtaken our You're ruining my love life. Why would I tell you's anything and I didn't have sex? Last weekend when's the last time you got a you got a big batch of mince off in something I'm now. I'm definitely not saying anything as that fucking cum bucket coming along come. Yeah, holy shit Have you been adding to it? I'm not so I told you Michael. I'm not gonna tell you anything anyway manscape.com go and check them out Look away look away That's improved We have so many new fans who haven't heard a proper one yet. Yeah, that's what I'll stick around to see Yeah, that's what I was thinking like new people will be like what the fuck are they doing and that is it and our other sponsor The University of Markle where we post weekly fucked up videos that are too messed up for social media The University of Markle comm that it's the best content. You won't see this type of content anywhere It's like a mix of like scat porn Jackass and just fucking sketch comedy. It's a fucking weird mix and look Just don't take my word for it. Click the link at 21 day free trial You can have a look through the videos if you're not laughing enough to stay around and pay for it Then you can leave free of charge free and they yeah free to leave it before the 21 day free trial ends man Oh, they keep telling me not to say that to people because people are getting on and binge watching everything and then I'm Subscribing and we're left with the data bill so they keep saying you are sinking this business Marty Please stop telling people to do that, but I cannot stop. Yeah, he's done it a few times now. Should I sign up? What do you mean? You don't you don't do it for free. No, you know what? I don't want you to sign up All right, fuck off. I'm gonna block you from ever seeing that content. Maybe don't sign up everyone Yeah, maybe if you don't feel like it then don't Speaking of doing things we're currently running a comment competition. All right now listen to this This is crazy last week's podcast broke the comment record by the way We're already at 1.1 K comments after like 24 hours. That's unheard of. That's our biggest. That's unheard of. Yeah that's unheard of big and We're running a competition. Okay, we're gonna pick one Random comment from all episodes this season and we're gonna give that person a thousand dollars on the season finale Isn't that outstanding? So the more you comment the more chances you have of winning and you don't even need to comment things Like there's a need to be a good comment Just comment a fucking full stop because it would be funny to see a thousand dollars So just the more you comment the more chances you have of winning so it sort of makes financial sense I'm not a banker, but comment dividends heaps of dividends chances are just bigger I don't want to your comments when that would be cool. Yeah, that would be the best if one of our comments one That would be the funniest because everybody look fuck you you cheated, but we're taking that cash We should start getting fucking mononamid a comment to what if one of Matt's replies wins? No, we can't have Okay, we don't count you exclude the actual channel. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but we comment on our own vid So like if the Marty and Michael one wins they win it Yeah, but what if it's one of the white timestamp like comments that could win Yeah, 100% any comment could win. That's the crazy crazy shit. Fuck it five people win a thousand dollars. No, no, no Five people now, okay, we're up in this competition trying to say for things. What are you doing? I know I just get excited. Actually don't come in five grand six grand 2000 then that's what we're doing. All right. Yeah, we're doing now we got to do it All right, people also like and subscribe if you haven't already Me you need to sort this out now because now you fucked with everyone's minds cut us saying five people will get I can leave that in oh But now I'll correct myself here Okay, it's only one person that wins the one thousand dollars at random and the one person from the comment of the week segment Which is coming later on which is pretty much five people fuck it to five Stop no five people will go with two, but that's it will say it's five people. All right. All right All right, I'll why people are winning money, but really too. I'll step back. I'll back out of this Yeah, you've just you've just thrown a grenade and walked away Anyway coming out of your pay man Anyway, that's the fucking Sponsors and it's not no Nord for the next two weeks. They're back again after though I hope you guys downloaded Nord because they might not be back How's your Nord subscription going? I've bought another one really really that's great That's great to see you you didn't use our discount code though. No, no, I forgot on the second one. Oh, that's sick Yeah, no, I'll buy a third one. Anyway, you can have three. That's the sponsors. All right now Let's fucking move on God damn it. Where's the phone on this day in? 1994 Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Injected a large amount of black tar heroin and enjoyed the view one last time Humpty's depression had won He lent back and purposely had a great fall His egg body smashed into hundreds of pieces and he was dead on impact all the king's horses and all the king's men Witness the incident the king told his mentor hose the cunt off the floor Then he told his mentor tell everyone that it was an accident The king continued telling the royal doctors to prescribe heroin to every patient they saw and that it was healthy King Pfizer knew very well that heroin was dangerously addictive But wanted to ensure that the people were dependent on his medicine so that they would keep giving the king their money Fuck that sounds so relative. Oh Very good. Yeah, well done man. That's some great top-notch research That's every time you hear that fucking Humpty Dumpty song you stop You stop whoever singing it and tell them that they're wrong and that it was actually King Pfizer He spread rumors and that is not what happened to Humpty at all He didn't Humpty Dumpty committed suicide after a severe heroin addiction. Oh, so he did kill himself. Yes, okay He did kill himself one last hit and then he rocked back Okay, that's a wouldn't be a bad way to do it to be honest, but it's because of the king Yeah, well the king prescribes Driven to kill himself. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Do you understand? Yeah. Yeah, it sounds very similar All right, let's Let's let's have a quick fucking bong fucking break and then we'll get on to Michael's Bible and the darkest most disgusting segment Oh, I'm shaking Matt's black book Matt's black fucking book fuck bomb break And we're back and we're back Try to come back with a with a bed wait. Oh man. It's like it's like it's so deceptive today It's so weird cuz every time you have held them Problems arise my guts are just lying to me now brown. Where are your head masks? Where is your head mask? Michael's Bible this is a Michael is fancies himself a God a God among men and he has started writing his own Bible of lessons and teachings and wisdom and He's going to read and excerpts out of his his own Bible Michael is Beezus he's not Jesus. He's Beezus Understand that that's just soak it in okay. This won't work unless you just truly listen to the words Chapter 603 score and six Stay docile stay dumb. It will only make the browning more fun. You be I and I be you prepare before Sorry Browns change is due have another stab at trying to feel good one more can't hurt a brown boost could Data can become data and brown had it matter. So love what you have. I love amber Anyway, did you really write that last bit? Yeah, he did he did he spelled amber on those huge wrote ember Yeah, cuz it rhymes with it more Sorry about that No It's time everyone God I'm I'm close to panicking Okay, it's time for Matt's black book everyone Just just give me some air right now. Oh fuck in this black book right here Matt has detailed every single encounter that he has had sexually in his entire fucking live And I'm about to read one out, okay It's okay everything's gonna be okay Everything's gonna be totally fine What happened last week again, oh the epileptic Ah, yes, so we continue the story Matt Brown's gotten out of jail and he Had a very sick person last week and he feels as though he is his power is returning So Number 55 it was a crisp winters night I bit into the cane to it in my hand and felt it to poison splash up onto the roof of my mouth I chewed slowly savoring the tangy flesh and watch the life leave its body Once I finished my snack I pulled my balaclava down over my face and check my watch. It was go time I pulled my bag over my shoulders and started scaling the fence in front of me like a gecko on meth I grabbed the barbed wire at the top of the fence and slung my body over I was in I saw my target I dropped all fours and started running exactly how a rat runs sticking close to the walls and stopping Occasionally to sniff the air for predators. I reached my target and read the sign biohazard above the bin The padlock on the bin was strong, but it was no match for my mints I unzipped my bag and pulled out a small jar of mints Then I poured some directly on the padlock and watched it eat through the seal in seconds I opened the bin and looked inside. There were many plastic bags with human remains in them I picked one out at random. It looked like some sort of damaged human organ useless I tossed it aside. I picked up another bag this time. It looked like a miscarried baby Interesting, but not what I was after. I slung that out of the bin as well I picked up a third bag It was a severed breast a breast riddled with cancer jackpot I eagerly stuffed the sick tit in my bag. It was all I needed I closed the biohazard pin turned and sprinted full pelt backwards towards the fence While at full pace I leapt and cleared the hospital fence. I landed and looked around I had not been seen I removed my balaclava and stuffed it under my foreskin Then I bounded backwards all the way home reaching speeds of up to 160 to 190 kilometers per hour at times. I exploded through my front door and scuttled downstairs into my basement I opened my hidden closet and revealed my very own creation Requiffed and I called her It was a human body that I'd been putting together using various discarded body parts from the hospital's surgery bins She was made of a human torso which was entirely covered in cancerous breasts Hundreds of them. She also had internal organs two different sized legs She had a head but it was burnt so badly it was hard to make out its features I had stolen it from the flames of a cremation months ago when I noticed it hadn't fully burnt My plan was to have a female creature that I could have whenever I wanted so that I could practice having and becoming the top HAVA of my family again My creature was nearly done. She just needed one more large tit I retrieved the sick tit from my bag and using a blowtorch I melted the tit flesh under the last remaining gap on the torso I started salivating and sweating. She was complete Now it just needed life I placed a steel knife in a requistan's mouth and guided her into an electrical socket in the wall Then I turned the power on Electricity surged through my tit monster's body She stiffened and spasmed and I laughed with pure arrogance I flicked the switch off and took a step back Had my experiment worked the smoldering requistan lay still But boom, but boom, but boom, a heartbeat Then BAM! requistan sprung to life She rolled around on the floor screaming What am I? Why? Everything hurts Please kill me I immediately started ripping my pants down I couldn't believe that this had worked Requistan couldn't stand because she had no arms to get off the floor with She just rolled around on her tit torso screaming in agony Screams of agony were my favorite and I slopped my now naked body on top of this creature To stop it from rolling old milk oozed from a few of the tits As I methodically sucked on each tit, cancerous or not, I rubbed my balls on the burnt, screaming skull of requifton, and necked a tolly. I was so rexed that the skin around my dick was ripping open. I turned requifton over so she was facing the ground, and slung my hard bloody cock deep into the guts of my decomposing fuck monster. I started pounding long, slow strokes in and out, deeper and deeper. My hands were feverishly groping and squeezing as many of the tit as I could. I almost ignored the burnt, screaming skull. AHHHHHH! I SHOULDN'T EXIST! I watched all the tit shake in unison as my thumping intensified pleasure was starting to swirl in my ball bag. Then I stood requifton up on its two legs and bent her over, grabbing its shoulders. I rammed my cock and balls, both deep into its fuck monster's cunts. Bang bang bang bang bang! The tit stingled and dangled everywhere as my fucking speed tripled. Then I arched my back, let out a mighty howl, and chundered over 10 litres of molten hot mint into requifton. I heard her inside sizzle as I unplugged my now flaccid little brown. I was so relaxed and satisfied. Requifton was still screaming, NAH! TIT SHIT! JUST FUCK ME! I WON'T EVEN AM I! I chuckled to myself and dragged her back to her cupboard and locked the door. I gave her a fresh bowl of water and some food. In an hour I'll have her again. But training has officially begun to become the best HAVA the world had ever seen. So this is all because of your brother? That's why you made requifton. If your brother never did what he did, you wouldn't have had to make requifton. Holy shit I forgot what requifton was. So requifton's like a Frankenstein tit torso with legs and a burnt skull. Do you understand? Picture that. And Matt's just rolling that around on the ground and fucking it until he unloaded 10 litres of mint so hot her inside sizzled. Is that about right there Matt? She's in a cupboard. Now she's back in her cupboard with a fresh bowl of water and food. Oh my god dude. Wow man that is yeah you're taking some outrageous steps. That's some amazing science though. So you broke into hospital the bins there where they would discard human waste after surgeries right? And then you broke in and you select the tits out and then you leg it back to your home. It proves Frankenstein's real. Yeah well yeah that's like a true story. True story I think that one. Just as requifton's is... This is all Queston's fault. So that's exactly it. Queston's not going to be happy to eat some of that. That's exactly it. Anyway that was the black book. Oh! Fucking disgusting. Yes. Pig of a man. It's time for Bachelor Brown. Hang on, hang on. Bachelor Brown! Hang on, hang on. He's right behind you! Matt Brown he's right behind you! He's always, always, always standing behind you! Even if you're right up against the wall he's right behind you! And this is a segment where we call Michael and I have taken it into our own hands to find Matt a partner. Because Matt keeps going for these like fucking just like what would you call them? Like uh... Requifton's. Yeah well just things that don't suit his what he needs. Oh shit that sounds mean they're not all. Requifton's yeah. Some of them have been okay. They do have tits. Yeah like a lot of tits. Like that'd be kind of hot to a lot of people to have that in your cupboard. I'll pull my hand up. I'll pull my hand up. Is Requifton still alive? I'll pull my hand up. Well I don't know. I'll pull my hand up too. It's in the die. Yeah next week we find out. Maybe. I need we need to have a chat. You it's not about Bachelor Brown anymore. It's about how far can Marty and Michael fuck with Brown and his love life. Brown. No this one you loved it. No I don't trust it. I spoke to her last night. You're excited about it. Look she's beautiful. The fact that Amber knows is even telling me something's wrong. Matt we look there were a couple of stitch ups where we put a guy on. No it's even Ethan. Yeah you gotta have some fun. But even Ethan was okay. Yeah so. Ethan was actually great. It's other than that. Other than that where where has been the negative? You employed Jackson O'Dowdy. Yeah so yeah. Eila does not make up. Because it's the opposite of Jackson. Eila had no intention you conned her into doing that. Breaking my heart even more. No but it's the opposite of Jackson. So this is episode number 18. Okay we've got you 17 dates. Two of them two of them have been unacceptable. Okay if someone said to me if I was a single 45 year old man all alone in my apartment you can have 15 dates with females. 50 that your friends have hand selected. But you also have to go on two dates with two guys. I would do that Matt. And I would be grateful so fucking thankful that my friends had done that for me because they just want to see me happy. And they're sick of seeing me walk around third wheeling everywhere looking pathetic puppy dog eyes crying yourself to sleep most nights. I'd buy them cars. You should buy us a car. Anyway so that's how I feel about this. All right now we have at you a lovely young lady. A lovely young lady. Her name's Jess. Her name is Jessica. And you are going to love what she does. Because do you know what Matt? We found out. Oh you've even got the detrust face. No no we can't we got to let it happen naturally. Yeah yeah no I'm not gonna I'm not saying nothing for you. You're not saying nothing. But you need to you need to be shown some appreciation young man. Open the door. Open the door. Open the door of love. Because here she is. Oh man I was just fucking so good. Dude I'm so good. If we had a girl walking. We had a girl wheeling in wheelchairs. I thought Matt hates girls in wheelchairs. He can't say that. He might have said that. Look I'm just guessing. Anyway look um all right I've got a number. God I hope this might not work on this phone. Remember it's shit and weird. That's because it's overseas. So it means she's on an Australia. No it will work. All right let's try it. Uh it said call failed immediately. I'm gonna have to just put her on loudspeaker everyone. Because um it won't call off my phone. So this is my next phone. I can't connect to them. It must be an overseas number. That's correct. Here we get very frustrated. All right. And the questions. All right here we go. Here we go. Get your fucking game face on Matt. Oh yeah. It's daytime cunt. Here we go. Come on confidence. Smooth calmness about you. But confidence as well. Please stop yelling. Come on. Hello am I speaking with Jess? You are on the greatest podcast known to mankind. You are on the Muddy and Michael fully actual podcast and sitting next to me I have the very single and super available very very single Matt Brown and Matt would love nothing more than to get to know you Jess. Thank you so much for coming on. No worries. My life is fucking complete. You farted in my face. I love it. That was actually Matt. I was actually Matt doing that. And yeah. Oh yeah. Sorry. All right. I love it. I won't kink shame. Yeah so um look I'll hand it over to you guys. Matt he's become quite the conversationalist and he'd love to carry this conversation and get to know you. Go go Matt. Go. Talk to her. Ask her what her name is or something. What's your name Jess? Oh my god. My name is Jess. I'm so sorry Jess. Sorry about that. Where abouts are you from? I'm from England. Where I used to live in New Zealand. Oh that's pretty close. Cool. You were going to England was I? Come on Matt. What are you? I'm so sorry about this Jess. He's got stage fright again. He's um would you mind? Maybe yeah he really does get very shy. Would you mind maybe just asking him a few questions about his life. Maybe um CEO for anything you like about him huh? Sure Matt what do you do when you're not working with these goons? Oh just that's romantic. That's definitely romantic. I don't know what I do on my spare time. He's at her. He's at her. Um not I don't know not much. I go I don't know nothing. Oh what the fuck answer is that? You gotta say something. You can't say nothing. Tell you fucking love go-karting. I love go-karting. Oh that's pretty good. Oh um what do you do for what do you do for a living? What do you do? What do you do for fun? I do only fans. You do only fans? Yeah full time. Full time. So you must be successful at it. Yeah it's going all right. It's pretty good. That's good. He's all of a sudden he's gonna he's smiling like a cheshire cat suddenly. Very strange Mr. Brown. Continue the conversation here now. He's having a look. We're gonna be so proud. Come on Matt. Come on! Ask her about it. Say do you do only fans. She has any brothers or sisters or something. Do you have any brothers or sisters or something? I have one brother. Wow nice. Well one full brother and then my dad was a slut so I've got like a bunch of half brothers. I like him. He likes him. Matt laughs a lot. He had a good belly laugh at that. That was good. Have you ever been on strike? I actually slid into Matt's DMs once. He's sitting in my DMs. And I was like saying like enjoy the wedding and he was so fucking pissed. He was like pissed replying. It was amazing. Really Matt? I was drunk. Well I'm pissed. What are you drunk? Just adopted me a bit there. Well do you mean angry pissed or drunk pissed? No drunk pissed. Matt really? Brown. That is so that. Well actually that's very that's kind of strange because I don't usually drink that much. But when he does he's an angry man. He was nearer at a wedding I think. I must have been at a mill's wedding. I was with the Brown. Is that? Was I nice to you when I was drunk? But him? Was I was I nice when I was drunk? Yeah you told me you missed me so fucking much. Yeah I do. And I read that every night before bed. Holy shit. Is it a couple? They're a couple now. She's the one dude. Would you ever consider moving to Australia for Matt Brown? In a heartbeat. Oh my god because you can work from anywhere and Mr Brown can do nothing anywhere. You guys can go wherever you want. Anything to be one of the Brown's babes. Oh one of the Brown's babes. Is that what you just said? Do you love it? Yeah. A Brown baby. I reckon you should try and kiss her. Stop making me kiss. Jess they made me do this thing where I kiss through the microphone. It is super cringe. Would you kiss the phone Jess if he kisses the mic? A digital kiss. Three two one. Oh he's still kissing it. He's still kissing it. Okay stop now Matt it's gross. Yuck Matt. Oh way too much. Oh whoa. Fucking disgusting. No don't don't. You'll break the microphone. That's so gross. He's stabbing it. Deep throated it Matt. God too much. Too far. Yeah. Oh well okay. So will you know the drill now? Matthew Brown. Matt Jess if you wouldn't mind just DMing Matt Brown's Instagram again just so you pop up to the top again so he can continue getting to connect with you and who knows if you're in his top three at the end of the season we will fly you out all expenses paid and you can live with Matt for three months. Oh so my pot wet. All right well thank you. Thanks for having me on. No thank you so much for coming on. We really appreciate it. Thank you Jess. All right that was good. Okay see you guys. Bye. Bye. It's not bad. Are you happy? That's not bad. Happy about what? You're with someone now pretty much. I've been with the last five you've put on. This one seems serious. Yeah this is serious. This one seems real serious. That's your third. That's the third only fans girl you guys have brought on. Really? Is it do I give off the vibe that I want to get on only? Get on camera and have some fucks. Yeah of course you give that vibe. Well she's moving to Australia. That's not bad. And we both had a look and we're like oh Matt's really going to like this girl and then Michael had a quick chat to her and we made sure that she wasn't some crazy bitch. See I feel bad because like you guys are out of control and I'm just like I'm just like getting done with it. Mate if you spoke the entire time I wouldn't say a word. So I'm just trying to feel the awkward air. You would not. Mate give me a chance. No matter what I say. Give me a chance. You will react. Give me a chance. Look I might react over here with Michael and be proud of how you've gone. I reckon that one we hardly said anything. We probably said like I don't think I made a noise in it. She did not. Dude shit. I do have a memory of texting someone at the wedding. I was like replying to people. Oh well there you go. I don't remember her though. It was funny that she knew that I was fighting when she answered. Yeah that was very nice. And then she was okay with that. That means she's got a good personality. And so the only fans is her career Matt. So you know get in there. You could like you could get a slice of that pie. You start making content with her. You get a slice of that pie and freedom awaits. We'll make a couples only fans. That's what I'm saying baby. That's what I'm fucking saying baby boy. You guys right talking between our podcast. This is my love life and it's a joke to you. Oh brown. Here you go mate ready. Oh please. You were pretty confident about it though. Oh wow clearly. Yeah she's quite coordinated. For a hot hot girl. I'm sorry I yelled just then. All right moving right along there. So that's the bachelor brown segment. And we will be picking the three. Matt's three finalists at the end of the session. Yeah we're not doing this either. If Matt can't decide on the three. Michael and I will take it upon ourselves and find three women all right. And we are getting you married. Oh I've picked my three. All right. Isla Jackson and Ethan. All right well that will make it easy for us. Wow that's so easy. That's easy for me. Ethan I'll have a chat with beforehand and the other two will just be fine. Why can't you take this a little more seriously. Because you don't take it seriously. Sorry. You want to. You lose the axe now. You hit me with an axe. Give me the axe. Okay sorry about that. Look Matt if we think that. This is a serious podcast. Obviously you aren't going to be with Jackson or Ethan. All right those were joke dates. So no I'm sorry. Maybe it's a plan to get Isla here. Yeah well don't worry. We'll make sure Isla gets here. It conscious or not she'll be here. Sorry don't forget to DM her everyone. Anyway moving fucking right along. What are we up to now. This is getting crazy isn't it. Getting on edge about the video. What video. The video the battery. Oh what's it down to. No then just keep going. All right. Yeah the laptop's running out of battery. Yeah this is pressure. Even me just talking right now wasting time. It's so bad. Like we could not finish them. We might not finish the podcast. So anyway I'll continue on with the podcast now. And we'll get through it as quickly as we can. We'll get to the end of this podcast. Just because we have an issue with time. The fuck are we going. Many. We might not make it to the end. But absolutely. So the next segment. Screaming segment. And this is where we call a friend a place a business. And we just scream as loud as we can as soon as they answer. Okay it's going to get loud in here girls. So get ready. Now we have to take a bet on how long they're going to last before they hang up. And let's give this a cap. All right let's put a roof on it. If we have to scream for over a minute straight. I'm hanging up. Agreed. Yeah I reckon it will be 15 seconds until they hang up. I reckon that if depending on who we call they might like find it funny to begin with. Well I reckon let's do dominoes and see what happens. There's like a prank call before a prank call. You guys get two prank calls today. Very exciting. Because this might be shit. Or should we call a friend. So we'll do both and we'll see what happens. But I reckon dominoes will hang up within 15 seconds. Yeah actually no we're changing dominoes to Justin Ryan. All right we're calling Justin Ryan. I don't know if this number still works. Whatever. Oh why is the call failing every time? Have you got it on air? Oh my god you know what I didn't do. The Sims. The Sims. I didn't put the Sims. Maybe we can use Mont's phone. Yeah yeah yeah. Fucking thank god where you bloody birds came this. I like you I pestered you both to come. Look away for a sec. It's broken my voice. Michael microphone. How close are you holding that microphone? Show me with your fingers how far away. It angled away? It angled away there's not going on it. Thank you. Anyway sorry about that. Did you guys watch them? No they didn't they were good. Yeah you keep an eye on them. All right it's going to get real loud. Get ready. How many seconds? That was probably 15. That call lasted. 10 seconds. Holy shit. Fuck you. All right just leave it there. Puzzly move the light. Puzzly woke up because of the screaming. Come and see what's going on darling. Oh that's a 10 seconds. He's usually so good at navigating the equipment and I think he was panicked. All right so that's not too bad. Okay 10 seconds. All right comment and let us know what you think of that segment. If you think that something good could potentially happen or if it's just a man screaming at the phone. I reckon it was really good but I think we have to start hitting friends because they're going to talk back. Maybe should we just do it next week? No no we'll leave it now. We're running out of time. We'll need some breaks between them. Also guys the lying to lucky segment we've decided because we're having time issues because he's away anyway. I'm pretty sure he's on a plane right now. That's not a lie. I'm pretty sure he's on a plane right now. Okay so he won't answer his phone anyway. The little fuck with. Really? Fucking little fucker. You can't call the plane. Lying to lucky back next week. If you have any lies you want to tell him you know what to fucking do. Comment below and DM Ilar and tell her Matt's not happy. All right moving right along to the the cow the comment of the week. This is where who's picked the comment this week? We didn't pick one. I've got it. Matt Michael has picked a comment. Okay comment of the week. Yep go the last one. Let me explain what comment of the week is. So comment of the week we are one of us picks a comment from last week's episode. We pick our best comment and we print it out and we put it on a fucking stupid little bit of paper shit here. Right and then you have a one in 39 chance of winning another thousand dollars at the end of the year. We're going to pick the best comment of the year that year. That's a separate competition from the other comment competition. I don't think any confusion out there. I don't think you did. We need to have every entry from Matt Brown's diary and black book put into compilations for sure. All right Dakota you win. All right we're going on the board. Did you say it before I can't remember in your words did you say that that was it? No I was just reading willy-nilly. I thought you did. All right Dakota regardless. Dakota it was a top liked comment anyway and we liked it too. And I agree with you. Someone we need to do that. We need to make that happen. All right now it's time for questions everyone and this is where we answer your questions that you've commented on the Marty and Michael Fully actual YouTube channel. If you want your question answered comment your question. We answer the most likes questions first. All right so after you've commented your question have a scroll through and read the questions and like the ones that you want us to answer as well. Well we're getting in my groove and rhythm back baby. That was like a jungle. Welcome back. Welcome back. Unpredictable. Welcome back. I was so unpredictable. It was good ending. The ending was my favorite. Yeah a lot of positive energy then. Nice question. All right top question went to Dylan B. We kind of answered this actually last week but it's a little bit different. But it is a top question. Michael what do you think you'd be doing if you didn't make money off social media? I could see Martin having a normal job but you I can only see being homeless. I reckon I'd be just like traveling. He'd be a professional traveler. He's basically saying he's homeless but he'd move around. Yeah exactly. He'd walk from place to place eating a banana here and there. Or possibly tennis coaching still. Surely you would have fucking quit. Yeah true. I can't do that for the rest of your life. You'd still be tennis coaching living at Greg's. Oh it'd be so hard but yeah that wouldn't be a bad life living at Greg's tennis coaching. I reckon we'd be well honestly I reckon we potentially could be junkies. Yeah true we probably would have died. Because I remember we even spoke about if we don't like towards the end of us making videos for like four years we'll so much debt living in squalor him living in a shed and we said all right look if we're not making money from this in another few years let's just try heroin. We sort of did have chats like that. I remember making a mental note to make sure I found someone and we can get heroin off if the day ever came. Should we do it now? I reckon we should do it for the podcast. All right. Would you do heroin or meth? Just like a really small amount. A grand for heroin or meth? What would you rather do Matt if you had to do one? Might be meth. Yeah yeah I reckon meth for sure for you. Anyway a lot of people ask questions about the possum how you got it out of that place. Oh did they? Really I didn't know that was like a renewal about that. It wasn't a highly liked comment but it was a few people asked so yeah. With a broom. With a broom. Next question is from NickoJC. I saw the Marty and Michael golf store on Instagram. Why is Matt Greg so fucking shit at golf? Please do a how-to with the brown. I put in some time last time and he actually got better. He sucks. That's true. You can't get good. You'll never be good at golf but you might hit it straight if you follow what I say. No I remember I used to be pretty bad at golf too. You have more technique. He spins around like a ballerina. It's like his legs can't stay planted. Or maybe he just likes dancing. Yeah true but you can't mix the both. I've got a glimpse into what it was like to be coached by Michael and he's so like thoughtful and giving. And if maybe for but in his eyes I could tell. Did he kiss your neck? No but in his eyes. He could kiss his clients necks. It was like a poker face so in his eyes I could tell he fucking hated me. There were some shots I lashed out with my eyes but they were shit. And like but yeah. I hit a guy hit one or two good ones after your training. The weed made me more empathetic to help you. That's why we smoke it and the stone at all times. Yeah okay. That's good times. Next question is from Trent J. Benson. If I send in if I send this in would you guys be down for a small bottle of THC oil? Yes yes of course. Just please send that in and we will show you how committed we are to sculling the bottle at the beginning of the podcast. Oh no. That would be so funny. Imagine if we did acid like at the opening line. Oh dude. That would be so exciting. Under the couch by the end of it. Shivering. And I'd have more coats on and I'd be still be cold. Next question is from Sam Richardson. Look away turn away a virtual gaze. There wasn't it needed a finishing element. Needed more substance. Just didn't have that little zing at the end. Next question. Sam asks why does Michael hate Germany so much? Is there some past relatives that fought in the in the two wars? No just listen to Marty on the phone to his mom. He doesn't hate Germans he just he just thinks. It is ridiculous. The culture and the language itself is hilarious. He thinks it's a joke and that it shouldn't exist. Listen to him talk to his mom and you will be in the same position as me. What do you think about that Brown? He taught me a word the other day. Gahaktas fly. What the fuck is that? Gahaktas fly. Gahaktas fly. It's been saying it when he was hung over in Sydney and we got all these replies on Instagram. Oh you speak a German. People thought I was German. No I was just saying. Just saying it's me. Yeah he's saying it's me. And he was eating a sandwich at the time so it sort of made sense. But I really just German. He's making fun of the word because that's fucked. That was ridiculous. Now you're getting racist. Okay there's a fine line in there. Gahaktas fly. It was funny and now it's okay. That's borderline mate. Sorry sorry dude. That's my friend. But you need to bottle that hate. Okay next question is from David Hasselhoff. He's famous in Germany. Did you know that? Bisoner. Yeah he sings that. I don't know. I saw it once. I don't know this. I don't know this song but thank you. What's do mean in German? You. You. Okay. Got YouTube it. It's very good. Next question is from David. How long do each of you think you'd be able to survive in the woods alone? Like two days. I reckon Michael might indefinitely. Yeah I reckon Michael could. But his body would just adapt to its environment. His fingernails and fingers would grow long and strong and stiffen and be able to scattle up trees and shit. I could see Michael living indefinitely out there and starting some sort of hybrid family with a moose. That's funny you mentioned that because that leads right into the next question. Joey Evans has asked if you had to reproduce with an animal to create a crossbreed baby what animal would you choose? That is a great question. I reckon any kid now. I can't believe that came just after you said that. Yeah that's not bad man. Yeah that'd be good for you. I can see that yeah. Protect you. Being good to having the family. Yeah like I'd probably go maybe like a cow probably dude. Yeah cows just for fun though. I don't know if I want to breed with them. It'd be so annoying. And then maybe I'll be attracted to my own child if it's half cow. Yeah okay true. You can't risk it man. Yeah okay yeah you can't raise a cow. You don't want to risk it man. You'd probably fuck like a bear. A human bear. Bear would be good. Sex would be shit. Well you'd have a big kid. Yeah and they'd be dangerous. Big and strong. It's how bigfoot was made. We just we just fiddled out the riddle. A pelican could be funny. A human pelican. Because if it can fly right then you don't have to pay for airfares ever again can't. What about a brolga? A graceful brolga. Yeah yeah brolga. Yeah yeah same thing. It's the same boat. Okay all right next question from Dean Moore. Michael if you were gonna be a boxer what would your music walk out music be? I reckon it'd be like why not by Hilary Duff. What about wrecking ball from Miley Cyrus? Hilary Duff is way better. And then as the as right as that bit starts the light the spotlight jumps on you and you pull this cape off. Yeah no I'd prefer Hilary Duff. Next question from James Kirkpatrick from Scotland. Boys from the website what's worse running... Can you know you ran through rubber tape the other day? What's worse running through foil rubber bands or cling film or cling? The foil was the worst. It was most abrupt. Yeah it was like a wall just completely coat hanging me. We did another one of those the other day with um drywall? No not drywall it's um it's um it's a wall. It's like a wall a plaster wall. Yeah drywall. Yeah and yeah. Plaster board. It's a big deal. Things happened you'll have to excuse me just one second. That one was so good. I'm really blacked out there man. It went on such a journey. After going in such deep states of don't even look at each other. I started trying to look at Amber Halfway through him on very off-putting. I need to be alone in my own space when I'm performing that. Okay. Holy shit that was very lovely. Thank you very very very. On with the questions. Next question is from a muscle hamster. Q boys please explain what's going on with the merch. Oh yeah oh look look. There is half of our merch is still at the center that we ordered it from and we cannot be fucked going to pick it up. Yeah I don't even know if we count that as our merch. Look there's a lot to just to talk about with the merch right. We've tried a couple of times we tried it like the end of last year it fucking failed again all these random little issues. So we just said fucking let's just pull a pin and next time we do it we're going to do it fucking proper right. So there is something coming and we're gonna we're gonna be making our own brand of products weed products probably. But anyway and there'll be shirts and shit there too Matt Brown Matt Brown a piss test we should sell piss tests. Yeah yeah piss tests are a good idea I'd buy that. Yeah they will know. And then you can yeah exactly write that down write that down. And pregnancy tests yeah. That's all them. I'm seeing a handy. And blood tests. Fuck it. Yeah we can do medicine. Three questions to go. They're easy. All right. Yeah merch is coming all right just I don't want to say when. I reckon I don't want to disappoint anyone. That would be a good setup. Next question is from VY. If Mr Brown finds a nice lady during the season does that mean it's the end of the bachelor brown segment. Not three people have to live with you for a month. Look it's look we would consider it but it's not going to happen. Matt we know Matt Brown Matt Brown. I don't think they've been right about much but they are probably right about that. Matt but look at this see look at this. He's he's you can't even think like that. All right next question exactly why we're doing what we're doing to help you help. Next question from Joseph Morton and it's a very good question. I'm glad he asked it. Hey Matt what's your favorite type of concrete. And I will tell you a polished expose. I can picture it. What else is there that's just what's the concrete called on the footpath. Just silver standard gray concrete. Yeah is that its name. Oh yeah or it would be like a 20-20-80. Now he's saying numbers. Yeah holy shit it's very concrete. Is that what you say. But that depends it could be 25-20-80 if they want to put something heavy on it. Oh if we're talking about trucks boys we might be getting up to 32-40 you know what I mean. Oh no there's a sparkly in his eye. Do you know do you know. Have you been to Bunnings. Do you know the mix. Oh let's talk about Bunnings. Bunnings you've been you've been shoeless at Bunnings right. That's probably today. It feels it feels good right. Not really. They do these cool burnish floor mixes. So good. Oh wow okay. Fucking hell what do you know what goes into making concrete. Three ingredients. We don't have enough time. Sand concrete water isn't it. We don't have enough time. But you're getting close. Sorry. All right final question from Agent Sloth. And he's not from Australia and he's wondering what would you rather. Would you rather steal an emu's mother's egg. Or would you rather challenge an alpha male kangaroo to a fight. Yeah it's no emus can devour you. So I'd probably go the kangaroo. Yeah but that's only if it catches you. Emus are fucking violent man. It's only if it catches you. Of course it's going to catch you. It's faster than you. What if you have a gun. Shoot the fucking thing and take the egg. No but it'd feel you'd feel bad. I reckon I could be a kangaroo. I don't know. Have you looked it up. They are fucking massive man. The Australian army lost a battle to a bunch of emus once. Yeah so yeah I'd go to the kangaroo. All right well. That's a true fucking story. The kangaroo can't reach you. Dude it uses its back legs and it's got claws on it too. And it'll strip you to pieces. Oh okay yeah that changes. They lean back on their tail and go and kick out and fucking. Yeah I don't know. The kangaroo is scary. Yeah maybe. An alpha kangaroo. I reckon I'd sneak up on an emu. You grab its neck and then you're in control. Although okay. Dude the Australian army lost a war. Please it's hard to hit the emus. The Australian army lost a war to emus. Yeah well. All right fuck it. We'll do the kangaroos then. Let's test it. Let's go out and film this next week. Oh you guys. No weapons allowed. You'll get fucked up. Mono in mono. Marty and Michael versus emu. And then Marty and Michael versus kangaroo. See which is the better one to choose. Who's harder to fight. All right that's questions. All right moving right along to the PO unboxing segment. This is where we open all of the fucked shit that you guys sent. Last week someone sent us horse smegma. Here it is. That's horse dick cheese. That's horse dick cheese there in that container that Michael is showing you. I should put it on the floor. So that just goes to show how unpredictable right. This PO box segment is and Michael that smells fucked. Okay. That is so bad. What is this. Oh my god. Smell my thongs. All right so I've just been handed a package from Matt. It says smell my thongs on the front. Number of days worn. Two. All right. I might save this. This is a website maybe. They're trying to promote. I sure do hope so. It's just a prank bro. Oh I see what's happened. He lied to us. There's something in here though. There's something in here. Oh a little lolly. I'll have that. Where's the lollies gone from last week. They're in the hat over there somewhere. Okay. Drake and this is safe to eat from that guy. Well done. Did this happen. No I would never eat that. Yeah that doesn't even look like a normal man. Looks like a shit lolly. As if you'd eat a high chew. So someone's just pranked us. We thought we were getting unused but we weren't. Michael's just opened a box. Michael explain what you're saying. That's smelt funny. Okay I got. Oh no. This is my worst nightmare. Yes. Oh my god. Okay this milk is for Michael. If you know what I mean. We will let you guess what type. Oh. Explain. That is I reckon breast milk. Oh that is. Oh it smells sour. It smells sour. There's a baby bottle in my. Oh my god. Oh what the fuck is that. I can't even describe what I'm seeing. What the fuck is that. Oh no this is a used fucking tampon. It looks. No. No. Michael don't fuck it over. We have to sniff the blood. We have to sniff the blood. Dude what the fuck are you doing. Don't open the. Oh my god someone has sent us a fucking used tampon in a jar. I feel like it hurts the eyes. Michael is just torn the plastic off the top of it. What does it smell like. Dude please. This is not a joke. This is not a joke. Put that away. No no no. Okay okay we won't we won't. We won't. It's safe. Now I have the power. You may look from a distance. Oh it's really really. Why is it so big. Do you know what happens when they. Oh it's fucking messy. Oh it's freaking me out too. The thought of it. Man it's like. Oh there's like it's all clump. All right there's also milk. There's a baby bottle full of some strange looking milk. I think I can handle the smell. I don't think I could either. We give it to Matt. Oh no. There's electrical equipment. Smell it. See what it is. I can't. Oh dude it tastes like actually. Oh it actually does look like breast milk is it. No it smells like vanilla malt. I like that is so the thought of it. And it's all over my seat now. Oh well. The same person that sent a used tampon. Sent us a baby bottle full of a strange liquid. And now you have it splashed on your legs. Oh I feel like. This milk is for my god. Oh my god dude. If you know what I mean. We will let you guess what type. All right look guess what type. It is person who sent us this. Thank you. Can you tell us what type of milk that is. And if that tampon was real please. Oh it's on my fingers. Look it's all. Dude. Dude. Dude. Fuck. Stop. Okay so. We have to remain scientific. Because sorry. Oh blood and milk are our worst enemies. Who would have thought. That was fucked man. Yeah anyway that's the PO unboxing segment. If you want to send us bits of your body and shit from your guts. Go to PO Box 256 Taken 4018 Queensland Australia. We'll open it live on the podcast. Even if it's a baby. Oh wow. What that was. I can see it. This stain on my hands. Oh yeah. It's milk. Moose. Say that. Moose. Moose. See. Moose. Moose. That's milk in German isn't it. It's beautiful. Moose. Baby Moose. Moose. Moose. What's baby. What's baby in German. Moose. Moose. What's baby in German. Baby. Shut up baby. Baby Moose. You know English comes from Germany. English comes from Germany man. Yeah I know but we fixed it up. Maybe. Baby Moose. Fucking hell. What a weird time. What a weird time. What a weird time to be alive. We got sent our first ever used tampon. No it's our second actually. Oh. Remember when we had one a while back. It's like oh yuck. Please me out. Anyway moving along to the last. Can't wait to take the photo with that. The last fucking segment. We have the prank call. All right and now I'm going to attempt to call the billboard guy again. Conor if this doesn't he doesn't answer we'll leave it in because people keep wondering why we're not calling the billboard guy. So leave this explanation in please. He hasn't answered the last two weeks and I can't keep calling him because then he'll know that something suss you know what I mean. And the two weeks ago I accidentally called him from my actual number. So I couldn't call again because then he would have stopped saying that because he could go back in time and find it. Yes. From now on. Okay. What um what should we are you going to go as Ronda? Oh he's going to be so frustrated with Ronda. And Ronda's going to be annoyed because of the way he spoke to her husband. Okay. Yeah. Yeah okay. Fuck. I reckon he'll give Ronda like a minute of his time if he answers. Yeah I think it's on private. He's going to be frustrated. I don't even understand you I reckon he'll say and then he'll hang up. That's my prediction. Ronda excuse me sir. He's the billboard guy. Come on around seven o'clock. Fuck. Okay so he didn't answer again. So on to plan B. Where I'm fine we'll be calling this mobile phone number left here by a stranger. All right here we go. Fuck I hope this answers. So yeah tell them about your pig business. What's a road close to here so that I can say that that's where I live? I don't know. Roadie road. No. Roadie road. Yeah I could say roadie road. Say roadie road. That's down a germ side there. That's a germ side. Be quiet I try call the fucker me. Sure shut shut your mouth. Fuck me. He swears so much now. Look at all the fun. The temper. All right this is me calling a library. I don't even know what I'm going to do yet. Do you know what I mean? Is that the code? I've even forgot. Good option. Fuck the library this is Sarah. Yeah hey look I've just like hired a few books from you guys and I've opened one of the books okay and there is quite a derogatory statement in here. Like someone's just someone's just written it obviously. And yeah like it's kind of like it's triggered me and it's actually like super offensive. Okay. Yeah so like I don't know what you guys want to do about that but look it certainly wasn't mean. If you return the book to us and get to one of the staff then does that mean you're off and then we'll probably get rid of the book. Okay yeah look I'm not sure I'm not saying it's like your fault or something but like how come that wasn't like picked up or something when someone handed that book back? Like don't you guys like check the insides of them or something? They're very every page. Yeah okay. We'll notice like watermark on the edges or something. Yeah all right well look maybe look that I've just sort of highlighted quite a vulnerable part of your system there. Do you sort of see like that anyone and like if I wanted to write just picture this. I could hire like 10 to 20 books every single week okay and I could write something offensive at the beginning of the books every single time okay and then the next person comes along and hires that book and then their night is is ruined okay. There's even swear words in it. Do you know what I mean? Like there's even swearing in some of it. I'm so sorry this is happening. Yeah I know it's like well I just like yeah it's I'm shaking right now like books are so bad for the environment. Yeah I'll pass this on to our team later. Yeah that would be great thank you. You can bring that book back and we'll take care of that. Okay great is that like am I gonna have to like pay for that or something because I'm not doing that I'm not paying for a book if it's got smart at the beginning of it. If he bring it up to the staff member. Yeah okay which one like because there's like so few staff there sometimes I'll go there and I'm literally like walking around for I'm not even joking like a minute. There should be there should be normally someone around on the floor. Okay all right. And if not just tap on the yellow door. The yellow door okay hang on let me just let me just write that down. So there's normally there's like returned trolleys. Yeah okay right. There's like a swipe card access and there'll be like a yellow door. Okay yeah. Has a pineapple. Right all right. Just tap on that if you can't see anyone on the floor. Yeah yeah okay I'm with you. There should be normally someone on the floor. Right. But if it isn't just tap on that. Great. And someone will get it off. Also just just add a curiosity to like what's your like CO2 emission levels like annual I would I would just want to know like annual because like I noticed that yeah that there's quite a bit of electronics going on in the library quite a bit of electronics are on and yeah just like obviously that's quite bad for the environment. Probably take that up to the like feel free to write like a letter to the manager. Okay yeah I might do that yeah. That's so old-fashioned I love that. That's so old-fashioned I love that. Writing letters yeah okay yeah. I wouldn't say that. You don't need to talk like like you are not low on the pedestal. Everyone is equal in my mind on seriously you are just as important to me okay. As the owner of the library does that make sense to you. Yeah like that's right like you are the same to me like you me and everyone. Everyone is equal in my eyes okay. So don't don't say that you're low on the pedestal darling because you're not okay. You can be anything that you want to be. I'm sorry it's just. No that's okay. If you bring that up if you bring that up to the staff member. Okay yeah. I will also say this to my team leaders so we can know. Look what was your name I'm so sorry if you said your name at the start I didn't quite catch it. What was your name again? Sarah okay great well thank you so much for chatting with me Sarah. Look I'm gonna I'm gonna do you guys a favor okay. I'm gonna white out on this book okay. I'm just gonna I've got a bit of spare paint left okay. I'm just gonna slop a bit of paint on where it says these nasty words. Okay it's just a little bit like a just a one like sort of big blob like on the second page. And then that way. Yeah yeah unfortunately someone has has written in the book and oh my gosh I like it is beyond offensive like it really was just like it said look I'll mention it briefly okay yeah well look it's just it has said something like um go go Donald Trump you mother effer or something like something like that. Yeah yeah and it had like a picture as well had a little had a little picture of like a dick okay like a dick it was either you know ejaculating or urinating or something but yeah very detailed very detailed dick underneath the Trump thing oh my god why did that all cover it or something okay yeah I've got a bit of house paint I've just got house paint on the house paint on the book even just stick a paint piece of paper on it to cover it or something yeah well yeah look I'm just a little blob of house paint on the second page cover it straight up and I'll bring that straight in okay and then yeah I think we should also talk about the co2 emissions next summer come in because yeah obviously we're gonna have to do something about that maybe solar panels for the roof or something anyway I'll chat to to you Sarah or should I talk to someone else about that you can chat to my team leader about that okay great no worries and you can pass that on to her bosses and bosses okay all right well look look at this Sarah look at I'll come in um I'll give the book back just uh expect to be house paint on page two of one of the books and then look we'll get this we'll start the co2 discussion and we'll move on from there okay how's that sound and remember I don't want to hear any more of this lowest pedestal stuff okay we're all equal okay don't forget it could I grab your name as well yeah sure no no worries at all so my name is dakota d8 and dac k dac k so weird ot ah dac k ot ah yeah do you want my last name or if you want yeah I'm actually to be honest there I'd probably prefer not to but I'm happy to show my id when I come in that's totally fine it's just you know I don't like to say stuff it's just not good for the environment no that's fine okay um bring it in and we'll yeah okay great okay no worries thank you so much Sarah I'm gonna go paint the book okay no worries see you later and so we close at eight o'clock okay no worries again tomorrow at 10 okay that's that's pretty bad for the environment but okay no worries I'll see you tomorrow darling if I can go into that library and just with a book that's just completely covered in white crusted paint that's a good way if you actually hand it in yeah that's what I mean that's a great idea but then I have to be dakota and then they'll say I'm a grown 37 year old man and I'll see that it's not even one of their books just say that you got your friend to um you just want to know that they got it okay last no I can say friend to drop it I can just say oh hey I just found this out the front of the library um it had like a note with it too and then handed in as an innocent bystander yeah as an innocent bystander bystander yeah okay that's happening we'll get it also if you um accidentally handed in graffiti on a book or something or accidentally spill paint on a book you can use that you can use that and just pretend you're offended or something that was written in there and then you're allowed to paint library books now that's pretty cool oh because dakota all along I was trying to make it sound like I had just accidentally spilled paint on my book so now if you've accidentally spilled paint you can just say that yeah fucking hell that was intense like it was hard it was always hard going through a dakota prank call so such a lovely person but yeah she was lovely she's a bag of shit Matt Brown no dakota's a bag of shit the the librarian oh yeah the librarian was a lovely young lady she was very dare she refer to herself as Loa on the pedestal I will not stand for that me not dakota either I agree with her very equal oh there we go anyway we got our engagement party this weekend so next week we should have some fucking stories for you guys there's gonna be something I will make a mockery of myself for a story in the podcast we've got some bachelor brands coming too oh yes fuck off you're inviting me yeah no yeah that makes sense invited heaps of my light is coming is that okay I forgot to tell you I forgot to tell you I know they're not because I caught Mon saying she's not and I trust Mon's whispers anyway everyone enjoy your week get out there and love thy neighbor promise me promise me be to be kind all right because the world doesn't need any more mean yeah especially in these times it's trying trying times oh my god oh oh on his head what the fuck is going on on your arm on your arm I've just sent the tampon from there's blood on your arm I said to be kind I said to be kind oh it's on a hand I said to be kind oh yeah we're the best we're the best after go you guys got pranked this podcast is not over oh my god so you guys you guys sent that in oh my god you ruined the podcast so our partners are the ones who sent that in I was in on it too you knew that that's why I texted you today and said I'm gonna it's gonna be normal time it was actually them wanting to get in early wow oh she's got fucking gals of natural prank we got pranked by our partners and that is why we are the best and we'll continue to be the best let's get out of here fuck me what is that tomato sauce no it's real blood