 So today after therapy I had to rush home because the baby was crying and wanted to nurse so I Didn't get to record this Right after my therapy session like I usually do but I still wanted to record something I was just about to happen a shower. I said let me record this because if I don't do it now It's not gonna happen and to be honest. This is gonna be my last Therapy Thursday video for a while because I won't have therapy for the next three weeks or so because my therapist is Traveling and I will resume Two words mid-August so Today's therapy session was pretty good. It was not heavy and emotional like my previous sessions were And I also wanted to share this because I want you all to see that therapy is good for a number of things. Yes, I Am able to be vulnerable and sad and emotional and cry and all of that but some sessions are just Us talking like of course we talk every session But like talking like we catching up that kind of way I don't know if that makes sense But today we talked about a number of things first. We talked about my mango melee experience because that's something that was Preparing for that was a topic in my previous session So we did a follow-up on that because mango melee was just this Sunday that passed and I Was just telling her like I did very well and it wasn't like yes I did well financially but just overall is it was the best vending event that I've had thus far and I was able to be in my zone and focus my sister Came through and was super nanny that day and I was so so grateful for her because she took the boys all day So I was able to focus. It's my first time vending. I didn't have the baby attached to me all day so that made a world of difference as well and then Just the connection that I was making with a lot of the young ladies that was coming through being able to talk to them and The in-person connections, you know, it's different than social media way different So overall, I just had a very great experience and I was we was just basically Discussing my business goals because that's something else we discussed a lot like we discussed everything So this session we talked about my goals in business like what what do I want? What do I see for myself and my business and I was just explaining to her like I have this whole vision I'm not gonna get into details on camera because I know better than to do that but I have so much great ideas that I know is gonna come to reality and It's gonna take my business to the next level because I just like I don't Anyways, it don't matter just know that that was a topic in my session and then We were just talking about what? The rest of the month my goal for me, especially since this is gonna be my last session in a while and being that Next week Monday is my children's father's birthday Doge has already transitioned and Then Friday is my son's birthday and then the following week would be the one year anniversary of his passing So I was just saying that like, you know, I don't know what's gonna come up for me But I am just keeping out in mind to come back Expecting it to be bad expecting it to be good. I'm just gonna go about my day and see what comes up and Documented journal she was just asking me What has been my thought process since all of that is coming up and Since he's been coming up a lot for me Through my children bringing them up to my parents bringing them up like even just the other couple days ago My father said something and my mother said she said every time you say that Every time you say that you remind me of him because He used to say that a lot so my father just said well, I guess I say it now or whatever no big deal Then she was like, are you okay with that? And I'm just like I didn't even think about it like I Didn't even connect that to him until you just said it. Yes. He used to say that a lot, but in my brain I wasn't thinking about it But now I am aware of it because you just brought it to my attention So she was like, oh no, I didn't mean to do that, but it just every time he said it I always wonder if it bothers you I was like it didn't and if it was to bother me it would only be because you just brought it to my attention But anyways, the point is that he's just been coming up in all kind of different ways and then last night I had a dream about him Which I don't often he rarely appears in my dreams but last night he appeared in my dream and So I talked to her about what that dream was and she was like, do you do I think that I am so holding on to something regarding him and I Said maybe maybe As of late What's been coming up for me because even if I'm busy working or doing something sometimes my mind is still thinking about something else so I Been just thinking about a lot of the little things that he's done were earlier on before things got physically abusive That still made me feel unsafe and not trusting Just small things, you know the fact that I always had to be in charge of our Well-being in terms of our finances our housing situation like Logistics stuff when they're traveling when we're doing anything of Importance, I was always in charge of and whenever I gave him a little leeway to take something on It blew up like it just I could never just fully rely on him And I would just explain to her little incidents that happened that you know It would be his fault, but he found a way to blame it on me. I'm not gonna get into details But for example one Specific thing when we lived in Florida We had the house we lived in was a brand-new like it was a new construction town You know like I was a Owner it was in my name. I did everything so On paper. It was my house, but we both lived there the guest bathroom shower like the lower Cross-it thing had the thing that you pull up had broke so I told him to go to only one again Next one, but take the old one to make sure you get the right one Anyways, it took the old one went to home people came back saying that he couldn't find the Exact one so he got something else So I'm like, are you sure that's gonna work cuz you want you don't want any issues? Like are you sure that's gonna fit? He was like, yeah, man, it's gonna be fine. Anyways, he went he did whatever Got it on. I was like, is it did it fit? He was like it's pretty not like he knew it wasn't The right thing, but he made it fit some way anyways at the time my best friend and her boyfriend was visiting us so One of them I think was in the shower and the rest of us is downstairs and all of a sudden the ceiling just started leaking water like from multiple spots just dripping water mostly in the kitchen our big light in the kitchen Falls full of water just complete mess. Okay, turns out Whatever he did to put that thing on Was causing water to back up into the wall and that water build up and build up till it just was coming through the roof the ceiling of Yeah, the ceiling so Guess who he blamed for that Me stupidest thing ever he said it's my fault because I kept pressuring him to fix it I should have just leave it. What? Anyways, I it's just like little things like that like He could never hold himself accountable for anything that went wrong. That was clearly his fault He had to find a way to always make it something that I did Or something that I must fix It was just a lot of manipulation as of late these past couple weeks I've been thinking about a lot of those incidents that has happened throughout our relationship And it's just making me think of all the things that I do and don't want in A future partner. I know for sure For sure for sure that I don't want another him in any way even the Handful of good things. I don't want another him Because and this is what I discussed in therapy. That's why I'm saying this is that um At one point in my relationship. I had to like I vividly remember telling myself Just focus on the good things Just focus on the good things Because if you focus on the bad things You're not going to want to stay in this relationship So I remember vividly telling myself just focus on his good qualities Focus on the good in every capacity and Then you'll be fine. So I that's what I did I just focused on the good and that's what kept me there And this is before things got physically abusive. This is before the rage came out and all of that So I just focused on the good I focused on the fact that He was a great cook And would prepare meals anytime of the day I focused on the fact that he was a hands-on father Did everything for our son as I did as well I focused on the fact that he did all the grocery shopping and He was a great farmer, you know, he had us a very beautiful garden I was able to just go out and eat straight out of the garden I focused on any good quality that I could possibly think of Just so that the bad didn't matter It mattered, but just so that the bad didn't push me You know to my limit to my breaking point My therapist said like yeah, I did that but I did that out of survival I did that because If I didn't things probably would have escalated Sooner and cause more turmoil because then you wouldn't have been home yet You would have still been in a state with no family um Just him and things could have gotten real bad too soon before you were in a space to Safeguard yourself if that makes sense in the moment. We never really always we never really think about why We do things and then in hindsight we might we might say like oh, I should have done this Oh, I shouldn't have done that but in reality Everything we do is for a purpose even if we don't know that purpose right then and there and every decision I made throughout my time with him Throughout my time physically in his presence. I made because I had to I made because it was my my way of surviving If that makes sense so Yeah, it was a good session session There was no waterworks or anything, but I was just able to really sit on reflect And as of late, I've just been thinking a lot about in the future when I do Put myself back out there to entertain Another potential partner. What do I want? What? would be Some important qualities that would be non-negotiable One of the things I pointed out was that healing is a continuous journey So I don't expect someone to come to me healed But I need to know that you are healing You know, I need to know that you're aware and you're intentional and that you're working on you Because I don't I don't expect you to just be this Picture-perfect person with no any trauma, but I need you to be aware of what your traumas are I need I need you to be aware of what your triggers are And I need you to be intentionally healing. We can heal together That's cool But I need you to be doing the work already or be on on the path of finding out how to do the work something And with that being said, you need to I need you to either have gone to therapy Be in therapy or planning to go therapy Because and I'm not saying you got to be in there forever, but You need to you need something to help guide you through that in some capacity Because we are not our own consultant all the time That's something you used to tell me. Oh, I don't need therapy. I'm my own consultant Need therapy, okay That's a non-negotiable for me because I'm not I'm I'm not trying to fix a broken man. You know, am I trying to take care of a broken man? That's not my burden to beard You know, I tried that before And it didn't work and The hard part is when they they don't even think they have a problem or they don't even think they need help So I'm not going there again You have to have some self-awareness The next big thing on my list is that You have to have a relationship with yourself. You have to have a relationship with God You have to have a relationship with God And it like If you know, you know, but You have to have a connection With the divine You have to be in some type of awareness Of self and see yourself beyond your physical body You have to Take care of yourself and I don't just mean about how you look and how you smell and what you wear I mean like you have to take care of yourself Because if you're not taking care of yourself, that means you can't take care of me Or potential children Or a household that mean you can't leave you can't provide like you have to be able to take care Of yourself first before I could ever trust you to take care of anything else regarding my life But anyways, I'm not going to get into my long ass list, but we spoke about that. We spoke about What I'm doing to work on channeling my frustration when I get overwhelmed and frustrated And I was just telling her one of the things that I've been implementing is that like for example, even with my children If I'm frustrated in a moment like today I was like in the car and I said listen mama is very frustrated right now So I just need a few moments of quiet and then I turned on some music and that helped So like when I get frustrated, I just turn on some feel good music and buy about and that's been helping as well because there's a lot of different things that Are beyond my control but can get very frustrating and overwhelming But I don't want to carry that frustration with me And I've been doing that a bit more than I've A bit more than I even want to these past few weeks And I don't like carrying that around with me and have to Feel that frustration while I'm dealing with my children while I'm interacting with my parents and all of that And I know they'll see it. I know they'll sense it energy don't lie. So I've been working on that as well but um Well, this is becoming a long video, but Today's session was great and I'm excited for what I have in store for me The life that I'm creating for myself and my children Because I am trying I am not trying I am being More strategic in how I move business wise and personal wise That's a thing that's a thing anyways. Yeah, I know that in the end It's gonna all work out being patient with myself I'm gonna continue to be intentional with everything I do I'm gonna continue to be authentic and everything that I create and let it grow from there But that's the it for this video if you've been thinking about Going to therapy and haven't decided yet. Let this be your reminder to look into it further and Make that call Anyways, let me go take a shower and go to bed because it's past my bedtime and I'm tired I know you can hear it in my voice to all my melanated women Protect your room by any means necessary and to everybody watching protect your peace by any means necessary I wish you all love Light and prosperity and you see me in my next video