 All right guys welcome back up next we have our unannounced speaker sock He's been involved for a couple years now and actually before he comes on stage Anthony would like to have a word. So here you go Okay Next guy haven't promoted him at all nobody here or very few of you do you know who he is most you don't The and I'm gonna put pressure on him because I think he I think he can do it I think this is gonna be the most unexpected and surprised speech at the event I mean right off the bat hitting the home run and I think potentially one of the best speeches ever given at the event. I am very I have very high expectations Not to necessarily put that on him maybe but just because I know him at this point And I know his ideas really well from talking to him in person over the past year and a half and from reading What he has to say on various forms we post on This topic is gonna be relationships and then a few other things branching off from that And that sounds so generic, but this is like so contrary To what you see elsewhere in in anything and in say general dating advice or even like hardcore PUA stuff it's totally Either not mentioned at all or it's complete opposite of what you see on the mainstream So sock short Socrates is I think very has very contrary ideas to what we accept on a very broad scale in society today No matter where you go The ideas are essentially right by my judgment I think they are Outstanding and if you apply them to your life and the context he gives you it's it's me badass So with that said welcome sock the stage. Thanks, man. Appreciate it coming Hi guys, I'm actually really pleased to be here particularly proud from a number of reasons You know my my personal path has been kind of one in which I've stumbled tried failed But it's one in which I was not satisfied with by maintaining the current patterns of behavior and what I did is I decided to find other men find friends and To kind of put myself back together to look at where I wanted my life to go and to basically self-educate And when I say self-educate, I mean steel I took anything everything transferred information from one realm and put it into another and that has been a Evolving process some stuff that I started when I was very young to to the current date and it's it's been very insightful for me And it's been successful My name is sock short for Socrates One of many names and identities that I go by and identify with and that's really less important than who I am Who I am is quite literally as I stand here before you I could be your father More likely I could be your older brother without a doubt I could be your friend but the bottom line is and most importantly to me is the fact that I Can be you in many many ways. I've I'm not an expert in my field. I'm not a commercial operator I'm a ranked amateur. I've gotten good at what I do Particularly proud of that, but the the issue is that I tried I stumble I make mistakes and I evaluate those aspects and I apply Reasoning to what I do and some insight to what I've done and why and today What I'm going to try to convince you guys of is that it's going to be a contrarian point of view And for a lot of the men's men's organizations men's community is that there's some very very strong Positive aspects to interpersonal relationships with women. I'm going to use some really vulgar language I'm going to talk about commitment. I'm going to talk about monogamy All right, and I'm going to say them in positive aspects. All right, I will try to not use that so much I'll use other terms that you're probably more frank with but it's it's an aspect of the community I think fails in a number of ways So a large portion of my speech today is literally going to be about the positive aspects on being in relationships with women And that means the committed one. I'm going to be looking at several technical skills on relationship development Skills you're going to need in having relationships and primarily those are going to be filtering screening abilities your ability to create boundaries And then the the other interesting one is I'm going to talk about your brand identity your social relationship brand What are you offering to other women? What do you offer a offering to those relationships with people you do have? Then I'm going to actually look on a very critical skill I think it's the essential and that is the aspect of critical confrontations the ability to actually have a Confrontation that has positive results. There's ways in which to do that There's ways not to do that trust me. I've made a lot of foul ones Okay, and so there's a lot of this is from experience Then I'm going to move on from that is that the aspect of being able to have Relationships at times you're going to need to know how to end them and then why to end them And so we're going to cover that and then for a little bonus that are really kind of out there I'm going to actually give a kind of a small brief talk and some very basic ideas on that very notion That's tap very taboo on getting your ex-girlfriend back Don't want to do it in every case There are some positive aspects to do it and some things you're going to want to take into account on why and when to do Certain aspects when you evaluate it all right Getting back to the main purpose of the talk is is literally about the positive roles of Interpersonal relationships and intimate relationships with women particularly in committed relationships now a lot of you are going to be younger You can practice these skills without being in a relationship You can actually practice having relationships without being in the committed one you do it with your friends You do it with your family you do it with your co-workers your bosses anybody you have that relationship with these these skills pertain They're transferable skills and if ultimately you want to have a relationship You want to have a wife you want to have a better quality life Having these skills in your pocket is vastly better than trying to learn it on the job under fire Trust me you're gonna make vastly different decisions different reactions and you're gonna behave differently in the heat of a moment You don't want to be learning in that case because it's gonna cost you dearly and it's gonna be more than emotional It's gonna be more than financial it can change your life and in many ways Behavioral patterns such as these affects greater society on a whole how we go through life interacting with people Reverberates through communities a reverberates through societies how we regard women how we regard ourselves in culture as men as Men and women those relationships spawn off and unfortunately when I bring up the term spawning we can also talk about children You know what are your relationships with children? What type of man were you for for the mother of the child? What type of father were you to that child and these are relationships that will then get projected so a lot of times I'm gonna be kind of flipping. I'm gonna be derogatory in cases, but it does not mean I'm not being serious The other aspect is this is a serious aspect, but this should also be fun It's it's probably one of the most important investments. You're gonna make in your life. All right One of the most important aspects of being in a relationship is that you have to be in one to really understand them Knowing can tell you what it's gonna be like. You can't kind of project accurately What being in a relationship is truly like until you're in it and on the community side to be very much like a Keyboard jockey is telling you what's you gonna do when he approaches a girl what lines he's gonna use and how it's gonna Be scripted out. That's great for practice. It's good to have that idea and fallback It's good to have a plan, but I'm telling you the shit's gonna hit the fan as soon as you get out there You're gonna make decisions situations are gonna change Context are gonna change anxieties are gonna perform and Context is in ways in which you're not gonna be able to fathom or imagine are gonna come up And you're gonna have to make decisions and react to certain aspects Judgment calls so forth that you're not gonna be able to anticipate and you're gonna make errors and the issue is you're gonna Want to have some practice in doing is maintaining these the better skill proper skills You have the better you're gonna be able to perform and they're fairly basic in many aspects The other aspect to being in relationships. I think is one of the biggest failures of the men's community We focused in on getting the girl, but not what to do once you get her other than fucking her And I think that there's a terrible terrible letdown because I don't think that's what most people want And it's why with the men's population tip Community groups tend to actually lose its members Because one of the aspect is I don't think guys go out with the intent of actually going out and getting a girlfriend They end up with one worse yet. They end up with a wife You know and then you find out not only do they end up with a wife But they end up with a child mortgage payments everything else and that doesn't work and then you have catastrophic loss You have you know people are getting hurt another aspect on Interpersonal relationships is it's going to be probably the second most important investment you make in your life The first is what you're doing right now. You're investing in yourself. You're investing in your education You're investing in your life and developing those skills getting exposed to different ideas Making connections with other people other members of the community. These are very very Essential elements to your development. These things are you you control Relationships you can also control and there are gonna be skills in which you're gonna be able to filter out people Look for certain aspects, but you ultimately you need to treat it like an investment because ultimately it is your time Resources energy their commodities how you spend them Conitates value and I hate to have you sit down and not value yourself to the point that you just take what's handed to you Take what's what you're able to get I think we should be able to look for certain things enjoy our lives enjoy as other people's company And actually look to get the best that we can for our value and our work And I think too many times men are sold short by not only themselves culture and society are teaching you to sell yourself short And I'll cover a little bit that later on The other important aspect to interpersonal relationships is the idea of a psychological mirror relationships are phenomenal mirrors to your own self psyche of What we end up end up doing is we project on a subconscious level undeveloped needs or desires or aspects of our own personality that are unresolved Into the relationship when we look to fulfill them You'll hear them in women's culture the the simple term you complete me women are very cognizant of that men typically are not You'll find other aspects who you choose to date who you and choose to bring into your life Who you allow to enter in your life how you spend that time how you value those aspects are all value in judgment Aspects that reflect upon your your ideas and your sense of the world your sense of self entitlement what you expect for yourself Wait you expect for your life. They're terribly Eye-opening and if you spend time to actually look at the natures of your relationships You can tell a lot about an individual you can tell a lot about yourself The biggest issues is when you start to have trouble in the relationship or when there's a failure of one or when you start looking at your emotional needs Relationships again are amazing mirrors to that self reflection You can find and discover a tremendous amount of yourself about that and they're there They're signs to sit down and say these are things I need to look at these are these are elements I should study these are elements I should probably investigate a little bit further to actually get a better handle on myself my life and why I'm doing this We also can look at you know the psychological mirror for your personal baggage At no point can we all sit down and say we're all innocent You know you've had issues you've been hurt you've been scarred We all come with a number of things relationships can help under underscore some of these issues Looking into handle ease will actually free you up in a number of ways and many of them can be very very heady And it can have a tremendous amount of emotional weight you don't need to be carrying that and Relationships can actually help you discover these aspects in your own behavior and insight and how you regard them and so in that regard You know cleansing yourself of that I think are phenomenal the other aspect is your ability to use a relationship as a testing ground What are your interpersonal skills like? How are you able to communicate? How how much empathy are you able to show are you able to relate with other people? Are you a selfish individual and there are amazing testing grounds to sit down and say I want to learn and develop particular skills And then utilize them and of course this doesn't necessarily have to be just in in very intimate relationships committed monogamous Relationship as younger guys. You should be dating. Okay, that's what these things are for it's part of an interview process And you can have a variety of women in your lives and be utilizing these same skills appropriately Now these are still relationships. Okay, they may not be monogamous. They not be highly committed But at the same time, they're still relationships and developing a better integrated aspect of you is what we're trying to Achieve we want you your aspects to be integrated in a very cohesive way that that's also socially and culturally appropriate to your own morals And it's it's it's it's a tough tough kind because you're operating often without a net You're going to be invested, you know, you're going to have something at stake you literally have skin in the game and That that makes decisions much more harder. There's no reset button like on a video game, you know God, I wish there was you know, let me let me save to this point go back and redo it until I should get it Right. Unfortunately, you're gonna have to work to a process We're involved with somebody to the point where you come across that again that make it may take time It may take years, you know But the idea is you're gonna see reoccurring themes again and again and again in your lives until you are able to better handle it And you don't know if you're gonna be able to handle it until life Presents you that same issue or a similar issue and you don't make the same mistakes again You know awareness is not the same thing as knowledge knowledge is when you don't do it and trust me I'm aware of so many things in my life I don't necessarily do what I know I'm supposed to and that's human nature You can't be flagulating yourself as well You have to sit down and be a little bit easy on yourself But to sit down and say you're human but to be aware of this situation try better and when you know better do better one of one of the most important aspects of Interpersonal relationships, I feel is not just all the things I've listened This in a very very serious way is where the real damage is done This is where it's gonna cost you dearly. This is where your self-esteem is gonna take a beating This is where you're gonna get gut punched with your self-respect when you put yourself out there. You're highly vested Whether it's emotional monetary commitment any number of things you are gonna be highly invested in an individual in a relationship Often we project our self-identity in them and they get destroyed for any number of reasons One of the sariest aspects and we hear people talking about this within society the breakdown of family structures When you actually commit to the point that you're married to an individual have families and have that and then the failure This affects our world community affects our society Learning basic interpersonal relationship skills I think it's integral to actually alleviating some of that not only in your own lives But in in the greater aspects of the world in which we live in some regard That's that's the real seriousness of what we're talking about the fun side about it is you want to sit down and say I'm gonna have better quality relationships I'm gonna have better quality women my life and I'm gonna enjoy myself in a manner Which I wasn't free to do before these are all very real things on a very selfish level I'm enjoying learning about interpersonal development within relationships because I like one in the client again It's an economic business term. It's easier I'm telling you the idea of being able to have a woman on a regular basis not have to go out every day and hunt for Your food bring it home and kill it and drag in the house and repeat that process on a daily cycle It just makes economic sense emotionally physically everything. I don't want to have to be doing it not only that I'm getting older I'm not like a lot of you. I don't have you know, George Clooney's mug You know it takes work and in relationships are like that. They're also highly beneficial and it's not always about the fucking It really really isn't and that brings me to the last point of why I think interpersonal relationships are so critical Is because the highs and lows of your life the amount of tail you got last night just isn't gonna cut it all right when when you're dealing with Professional development personal achievements day-to-day grind where you've achieved you're gonna want to share that with more than your family and friends No matter how close you are it is not going to be the same thing as when you are actually very very connected with a Specific individual that you share the daily days in days out grind with and That that is a serious issue one of the worst ones is not necessarily when you're alone and you're you're a high point Because we know they may not occur, but I can guarantee you're gonna have low points in your life Some of them are going to be extreme. I went through one pretty much three weeks ago Wasn't in a relationship and I felt it Literally had to face death Lots of loved one in my life and it was a devastating aspect You know and I had to come face-to-face with that be responsible for the terminal care of an individual and What I wanted more than anything else in the world at that moment But somebody I can be emotionally weak with Emotionally vulnerable with and emotionally real with and when you're alone you're alone You don't get that back All right, these are kind of the serious aspect I don't want it to be super super serious, but it's things that we don't necessarily talk about It's things that we don't relate to and men need to be talking about these things All right Moving on from the purpose of why I think relationships are actually a positive aspect committed relationships You're gonna need to know probably some basic elemental skills and one of the more important ones I think is the notion literally of filtering and screening people of Making sure that you're you don't have to deal with toxic individuals things You don't want to do and actually you're dealing with the elements that you want And if you don't have an ability to screen You're gonna be dealing with everything the best way I can relate to it is if you go to a restaurant and you order food And every time you get is a garbage plate You know anything the chef could actually slow throw and slop onto a plate. That's fine as a novelty Sometimes it's damn good more often not you're gonna find stuff like what the hell am I dealing with you know On the flip side is you don't want to have your your control so tight that you have the opposite problem Where you have a fine dining French dish where it's mostly plate It's just a little bit of food. It's not gonna subside you and the elements are propped up in an odd way You're gonna have to moderate and into the degree in which you filter and Screen individuals in and out of your life and you better start having an idea of a sense What do you want? What do you want to screen for? What do you want to screen against? One of the things that I'll typically do very very early on is What something I'll call the screaming narrative people project their life story constantly Watch for it. What are they telling you? What are they telling you by the non-verbal cues? What are they telling you by the verbal cues and one of the fun fun ones? I did it last night with with talking a couple of the guys ask It sounds stupid Look at a girl and ask tell me about yourself and if she sits down and says I'm crazy I'm wild. I'm out of control and I'm an American princess. I Tell you I'm gonna introduce you guys to her Okay, you want to stay away from that one unless that's exactly what you want but Ultimately if you're looking for a long-term committed relationship, you want to have somebody in your life Those may not be the qualities you want to exhibit All right another one a psychologist friend of mine and God. I wish I could pay him every time I use it Is I'll ask a simple question Tell me about the relationship you have with your father which which incidentally is going to be the longest male running male Relationship she has All right, and in most cases this is going to be the most experience. She has with inner male Intersexual relationships and what you what you're looking for is not the specific answer, but the tone of it You know what it's not whether it was healthy or an unhealthy if it's healthy Bravo outstanding probably a good sign if it's unhealthy Really pay attention How is she handling how is she working through it or is he just the biggest asset on the world is a son of a bitch? Guess what she's gonna do Re-enact that relationship with probably every male. She has in her life. You want to watch for these aspects So that'd be the first aspect of of filtering screen The other aspect is a business notion and that is that you make your profits at the buy not at the sell And the notion there is What happens is the people you let in in your life the quality of those people that you let in Determined the profit margin you're gonna have most people are not gonna all of a sudden break out and have a massive Transformation they're not gonna all of a sudden become these glowing swans of fairy tales They pretty much will move through their life Consistently evolving a little bit But not a big marker change and the quality of those individuals you let in your life Determine the content of it All right, and in another way of Analogizing is don't let people in it's almost like taking a train right get on the wrong train and Every stops gonna be the wrong one same thing with people let the wrong people in Every stop every aspect of your life is probably gonna be the wrong one you want Another aspect I'd like to cover is the idea of not giving women a free pass Too often as men we do this They're they're cute they're female I want to show them attention and we start becoming performant monkeys. That's not necessarily a smart thing You know wait and make them earn your respect and attention Because you're a noble being up by your own right and we don't treat ourselves like that Doesn't mean you have to be ugly doesn't mean you have to be an asshole, but just don't give yourself away from nothing All right, they won't respect you they don't understand it and in trust me they will run with it What happens when you give something away from nothing when you continuously do that? Bingo Value yourself first. I think you guys are doing that right now. You're here. You're projecting yourself You're putting yourself out there. You're investing your hard-earned money and coming in attending a seminar like this You're interacting with each other Learn steal ideas share make them there your own. All right One of the aspects I was talking about is filtering is not necessarily always in a derogatory sense of things you want out Filter and screen for those attributes and abilities you want it What are the attributes you're looking for? What are the elements that you find desirable? Go looking for those don't always do it in a negative aspect because it's gonna jade you Go looking to find the superior woman not necessarily in all ideals But look for those elements and those those gifts that each individual woman will actually have an exhibit if you can find those and Identify those with an individual and pull those out. I think you're gonna find a goldmine in many cases All right, and in stocks. It's it's looking for a pullback when people aren't necessarily Project in a particular thing you can find it. It's like buying low and selling high That's ultimately what you want to do in an economic sense But with people you're having to look at an abilities resources and values how they do things what their skill levels are like how they relate to everyone else You're looking for the rare find and trust me guys all over we're competing for that But I don't think we're actually looking for the same thing and many times I think in many cases we're gonna overlook some high quality stock We're gonna overlook some high quality people so don't just screen the negatives because it's gonna jade you go looking for the value And ultimately that's what I think you should be doing is looking for the value because that that's it's it's a measure of integrity You know it's your it's yours gonna do you as much good as it's going to do them It's not gonna bring your your energy levels down. It's not gonna warp your sense of the world The last one on on the filtering screening is something I do on a regular basis these days It's gonna sound a little odd I I do two things simultaneously and and I have no problem communicate this with the woman I'm dealing with I try to remove their beauty As far as what they look like and the validation I may receive by being around them and I try to throw sex off the table as fast as I can Then I sit down and look at the individual I go. What am I dealing with? How do you think does that work with women these days the women that were downtown last night? Dressed up looking good acting in a picture of the way because they're entitled because we taught them They've been able to be entitled they can act in particular way. They can demand drinks. They Couple of weeks ago one was saying would you mind picking up our bar tab? I don't even know you didn't even spend time with us and a response is I'm cute You know, I'm saying You're ugly on the inside, but that doesn't come out tell you open your mouth you know and in the issues if you can remove a woman's beauty and Not have to deal with that and train yourself. It's gonna be hard. Trust me. It really is Remove sex from the table so not that you're not interested. That's just not your point. That's just not your goal Too often I'll talk to my friends and we'll sit down and say I think the pussy gets in the way of the girl The girl is the prize not not the tail Don't be falling for it. What's your objective? What's your real goal? You know, is it the quality of your life quality of the part and you want to have in life? How much does sex really play into that? You know or is it a hell of a lot more? Are you screening for it? Now the flip side of that is let's say you do want to go after the tail by God go out there and do it Don't get confused with trading with investing Don't get confused with chasing tail and having a hell of a good time. We're trying to have relationships Don't don't negotiate between negotiate your time and value and spend it accordingly The second the second major skill set I like to talk about it is about boundary setting Okay, and that is going to be about defining your values through a course of actions defining your beliefs and values through a through a course in actions and that is basically taking up a measure of emotional space All right, and and don't don't be fooled by the fact that this is really negotiation and like negotiations They typically are ongoing just because you know you come to resolution on a particular issue doesn't mean it comes back up You can't whip out an emotional contract and go Says right here. We agreed to it. It's going to change and part of Setting in establishing emotional boundaries is to actually understand what yours are and they're gonna be they're gonna be different for each Of you they're probably gonna be several common of them, but they're gonna be different in each case The biggest one is gonna be a measure of self-awareness What do you find is a deal breaker what are not what what are issues? You're willing to tolerate what again are not and again being in a relationship being with an individual It's gonna be vastly different than sitting on the sidelines and thinking about it But the idea is if you have an idea of what you're gonna want how you're gonna live your life and what you expect others of Within that relationship frame to to behave and behave like is gonna be vastly better than if you have no game plan at all The second way aspect of this is actually setting the boundaries in the first place Actually having the skills to sit down and to find what's appropriate behavior from inappropriate behavior or how to guide that All right, and that and there's gonna be many skills on dealing You're gonna have to communicate it both verbally non and nonverbally you're gonna have to have that measured express You just can't sit down in your head and go I have a boundary and when somebody crosses it feel bad about it Needs to be expressed unspoken boundaries tend to get violated So if you have a boundary and it's an issue and it's a prime one Communicate it because you're gonna need proper communication skills to do that Another interesting aspect is the fact that just because you have a value system and have established a boundary Don't expect the world to have the same boundaries It's kind of what makes it interesting in many cases somebody's gonna have an opposing boundary view and they're gonna clash You're gonna need to be able to take up emotional space and defend those boundaries You're gonna need to be able to do it on the fly and this is always gonna be spontaneous It's gonna be difficult when you do it's gonna be uncomfortable The more familiarity you have in doing this the better your odds are when you have to do it when you're highly invested in a Relationship probably the better success you're gonna have Another interesting one and I was taught this by my bulldog who is notorious for finding the boundary Pulling off kind of body rocking away and then coming right back in and making you renegotiate that boundary Because the reality is a boundary that gets renegotiated. That wasn't really the boundary You know, he'll move it again and people are like that people will actually agree to a something behave it and then they'll slip and Any of you have met my dog. He was notorious Absolutely notorious for it and he taught me a lot by just watching Analystic nature dealing with boundaries on something he wanted there wasn't anything vicious about what he was doing It was just natural people are doing the same thing. I don't think there's a lot of malice intent Sometimes there are I don't think it was a lot of cases But it plays out and what we want to do is to create a better life and a quality life of our own construct and Part of that is that having proper boundaries having established boundaries Making sure they're established defending them and making sure that you're vigilant So it's another way of renegotiate the boundaries It's just make sure that the boundaries are you're vigilantly maintained that there's maintenance going on you're aware of it And when there's an encroachment it needs to be brought up The last is that that the notion that boundary setting is actually a skill set and Like all skill set. They're perishable These need to be practiced. They need to be maintained All right, just because you learned it in you know a year or two ago doesn't mean you're gonna be as proficient as you are You know we're today as you were then there's skill set and they're gonna perish Now it's not that they're gonna go down to nothing But the ICO that you can master boundaries or any other skill set for the rest of your life Probably is not gonna be there so the idea is you're gonna have to be able to maintain these and look for opportunities to do such Look for specific opportunities to sit down and say, okay I'm gonna do this very much like for example if you want to be social and you don't want to have approaching anxiety You talk to everybody and you just get in the habit of doing it And it's just something you do on a regular basis same thing with any skill set boundary settings. No different The last of the three general skill sets that I would like to talk about on in a personal relationship It's gonna be kind of a novel one and that is literally about your brand identity And leave no mistake. You are both a product and a service provider You know specifically in relationships everybody is you are communicating that brand your identity What are you offering? What are the values that you have that women can actually see and perceive and they can Come to expect from you again and again as they have dealings with you All right, a lot of guys don't realize that they think of their own image But they don't necessarily think what is their behavior doing? What are the relationships aspects? What am I like? What's the customer satisfaction response to any engagement you have with people? I literally had a friend when I was living up in DC kind of the lark had a little 4x4 card there was a customer satisfaction survey of every woman who spent the night with him and It was kind of a joke, you know He left a mint, you know and one of the stupid question is would you recommend me to your friend, you know Very much like what you'll find in their hotel rooms and it was geared beard based on that now The interesting thing is women actually fill these out and he actually became comical Actually have a notebook that he had on his coffee table and flip through these Some of them were enlightening, you know, I was expecting a quote. I was expecting better turn down service, you know You know and and so you get some of you know Relatively interesting feedback and he actually actually integrated these into what he was doing and so he had this idea of brand recognition And I suggest you guys do the same thing not necessarily in that form But realize you're making a promise to everybody that you have a relationship whether it's your employers your friends your family What's your reputation like? How well do you guard that reputation? You know, are you promoting that reputation? That's a form of advertising Another aspect that I would be really kind of intrigued with is the fact is do you know how to market and have brand placement? You have a particular identity. Are you putting that out where that's gonna be bought the best way? I could sit down and say this is sit down and say We all want to meet women right go where women are at That would be the ladies room. I Don't expect anybody to have any success somebody out there is gonna prove me wrong of Cold calling and approaching a woman in a woman's bathroom on a regular day All right Having some relative cognizant ability to sit down and say what's appropriate where where are they looking to find me? Where where are women that I want to relate to that are looking to find me and are looking to purchase my service and products Where are they looking to make that take place? That's where you want to go? All right Again, this is about a relationship not only just between you and a specific individual But you with everybody you come in contact with what are you promising the world? All right, and it's also another aspect is people value sometimes what they don't have all right I joke with a friend of mine. I actually was a speaker last year a right-hand man Tim who gave I think it was a 20 things to not do in your 20s and I'll be honest I was probably the individual that he rolled model that speech off for any number of reasons It was true. It was harsh and he was pretty much dead on on a lot of it I could argue with some manics, but the the the issue is that He he was presenting certain aspects And I can sit down and say that I can look at him in a number of ways and and come up with this statement Is that women understand special? When it's bought at Walmart Nothing says special better than Walmart The quantity guys are marketing themselves. He's a quantity guy He's a great guy. He offers other things, but he's known for doing quantities. It's numbers Okay, and don't get me wrong quantity guys put up the numbers and they're staggering they have some amazing stories I'm looking to do something different All right, I know what I would like Understanding how to place out what how to put put yourself out there What type of clientele you want what type of clientele you want to avoid what type of clientele? You want to have my word of mouth with terribly important. All right? I would like to see the difference between for example the women that Mystery is being with completely as an individual for example, who's knows his brand Who's been very successful going after the type of women? He wants to be involved with compared to George Clooney who's also been incredibly successful has a great running brand as a male All right notice the two different worlds, and I'm not saying one's better or wrong They're both are highly successful both are self-made men. You have the same opportunity here as well What type of white what type of life do you want to live? What type of individuals? Do you want to have in your life? What type of employer? Do you want to work for it? Do you want an employer? What type of woman do you want to have in your life and what type of wife do you want to have in your life? I'll even say it goes to your children. You know those that have children. What's your brand identity as a father? That's your legacy. All right The next aspect I'm gonna talk about is the probably one of the most critical skills You're gonna have as far as interpersonal relationships go if I had one thing I want you to walk out with this is gonna be the next series of discussions and it's literally on how to have a critical Confrontation and that means an argument that means when the boundary has been violated What do you do and literally when we talk about critical confrontations? We're talking about the tools for resolving broken promises failed expectations and bad behavior All right ultimately it's not about any one of those things It's not about the bad behavior. It's not about the broken expectations. It's not about the broken promise It's about the relationship How do you curb behavior? How do you rectify these elements and still? Maintain the relationship that is gonna be critical when the first things I would have to tell you though If you don't get anything is stop keeping the peace at your expense My father was great at it Jesus Christ You know the problem with that is it was apparent you knew it immediately when you got something wrong But you're highly highly defensive in the process It didn't get you where you wanted to go the behavior was recognized, but it didn't get him what he wanted All right, I don't want you guys doing the same thing, but for a lot of people and I was guilty of it as well I didn't even do that You know and that was part reaction to my to my upbringing and consequently I had a series of ruptured and failed boundaries and It was very difficult to renegotiate failed boundaries once they're established So if you just do that recognize it take up emotional space act when the boundaries broached You're gonna be a little bit better off. You're not gonna keep the relationship, but you're gonna be better off Don't don't don't get me wrong there One of the things we'll look at for example on critical confrontation is the event horizon and They're common-sensing the first time something happens. That's an event. It's an anomaly. It's a singularity I would sit down and say you need to address it right then. They're gonna happen Spontaneously, they're not gonna be convenient. It's gonna be a difficult social challenge to deal with and that's what makes it more challenging But what happens is if you don't deal with it, they start to slip it'll happen again Okay, and then you're dealing with a pattern when it happens twice You have a pattern not only that when you don't deal with it You have time away from it the value of that incident is lost because nobody's gonna want to deal with it So the value of it's been watered down. It's probably been meaningful to you It's bothered you enough that you were disturbed by it. You don't want to live that way The third time that happens is no longer an event This is accepted case history This is accepted behavior you've allowed it you've fostered it you've enabled it This problem is no longer a problem. This problem is now your reality And it's gonna be vastly more difficult to come back to combat it to get to a course of action back on a reasonable tack It can be vastly more difficult When you when you identify a Critical time for a critical confrontation whether it's a broken promise a failed expectation or bad behavior You're gonna need to address it what I recommend at that moment And God knows this is where I get it wrong again and again and again Is take a breath and it's something what we call the hazardous half minute The first 30 seconds of the next verbal confrontation is going to be more critical than what you actually say All right, how you say something the manner the tone the inflections Are going to be vastly more important than what you actually say All right, my approach is to sit down and at least I talked to the individual name It's usually kind of a simple one babe, you know stop starting you don't yell don't make it shocking But the idea is you want to ease into it recognize it interrupt whatever's going on Occupy emotional space but interrupt that train to address that issue But you need to do it in a very sensitive manner if you're going to preserve the relationship The other aspect is just that people need to feel safe when you have a critical confrontation if They don't feel safe. They're gonna get defensive. They're not gonna be open. They're not gonna be willing to listen They're not gonna be willing to empathize or understand that doesn't help you with where you want to go That's not fostering the connectivity between people. That's not helping your relationship out All right, so people need to be feel safe when you approach that first half minute You knew you'd express it you need to identify the issue You need to address them, but they need to be feel safe in the manner in which you do this All right, ultimately, we're gonna be talking it's it's it's about maintaining the relationship not the behavior You can tolerate the behavior once or twice But what you don't want to do is lose that element of trust and respect that is integral to a tight bond and connection with an individual That's the core of a relationship. You lose that and you're losing everything All right far better to let something slide and maintain the relationship Temporarily than it is to jump on something and to destroy it by corrective action All right, so it takes a delicate hand and trust me these are difficult skills to learn and to employ I suggest you do it with friends family co-workers pets wherever you can't even I'll even say this do with your own self talk When you're doing something, you know, you probably shouldn't be slacking off everything else I should have worked out I blew my diet whatever it is What's your self-talk like are you being abusive? Are you treating it with respect? How much kindness and consideration is being executive, you know Are you fostering a healthy relationship while addressing the issue you need to be doing these things and again These are transferable skills whether you're in a relationship or not But ultimately you're gonna want to be in one and these are these are important aspects to have to be able to Maintain the quality and the nature of the relationships you aim for and strive for All right, the last element to all this and it's gonna be kind of an odd one Is that when you project the element about the relationship and you get them involved in it and In you you're asking open open-ended questions. For example, babe, why do you think this is acceptable? You know what you're not necessarily why are you doing this? But why do you feel this level of behavior is appropriate? You know, why do you feel that when you sit down and say I'll be here at a certain time and you blow this off by an hour that That this is okay. Is this you is this you respecting the relationship is this you respecting me Is this you respecting us is this the relationship you want ask open-ended questions work it through together Any decision made jointly is gonna have a vastly better chance of succeeding than one that you dictate That's just human nature And when you resolve that issue You've analyzed it There's a phrase called pop in the question It's called verifying acceptance Let's say she's late and she said she won't do it again. You talk through it's inappropriate Disrespectful any number is not necessarily that serious, but you sit on and recognize the issue asks the question Are you gonna do it again? Are you okay with this get them to commit to the solution? They've just laid out it sounds stupid But you will know immediately whether or not you'll have likelihood of achieving it I've had women flat say after an egregious altercation I'm good enough the way I am Don't expect this after working through the whole thing Guess what? You've got a real problem which brings us to the next aspect and that is actually making a cut How many times in men's community do you hear when is it appropriate to end a relationship? How do you know when it is to end a relationship with a friend or when to cut a Parent out of your life because it's a toxic or unhealthy event We don't talk about these things because we don't focus in on relationships begin with we kind of have a general idea Of when a toxic relationship exists but when you're in one you're really invested in ways you don't anticipate and Making the decisions often often very very difficult. It's not pretty. You don't necessarily have all the facts You don't necessarily have all the answers. You don't know how this is going to resolve, but it's not working and There's several indicators that you can sit down and spot kind of a dead horse coming You know literally when you don't have trust and respect in a relationship. You don't have squat What you do have is codependency and if you don't know what codependency is go look it up read Okay, I know I was guilty of that or not I say guilty I was subject to that and it's it's so easy to do it's so easy to become a lot of male culture Teaches you to become codependent step up be the man rescue the girl doesn't matter what her behavior is culture will reframe it She's good enough the way it is How often do you hear about the fact that is the guy that good enough the way is no He's subject to change be the man step it up All right, you want it to be an amicable relationship. You want it to be a relationship of integrity All right, and when you don't have fundamentals of respect and trust you don't have a relationship Time to cut it. That's an easy one Another one is when you have a lack of exchange value when you're constantly putting in the effort and it's not coming back All right doesn't have to be a hundred percent equal You don't have to track it, but you know when you're putting in the lion's share You're doing the heavy lifting and someone's going along for the ride It's time to renegotiate that relationship. Well often it's gonna be time to get out Another one is when you have a lack of consideration When they just don't consider you it's all about them. It's an unhealthy relationship Probably another time to look at it probably time to get out a More difficult aspect and it's going to kind of an interesting one There are being in times and I faced this recently when your values don't align It may not be major things It may be kind of subtle things and often when you're in a relationship These will actually worm their way to the surface that you would never recognize in a normal relationship and Much like having roommates. You don't know what people are like until you live with them Ultimately with the relationships are you don't know what people are like until you're actually in a relationship with them You know, you're not dealing with the representative anymore You're really dealing with them and often someone's values comes up. It's it may be minor It may be more significant, but the more significant they are you need to take that into account All right, and again, it's not either a cut or dry issue. These are all kind of judgment-based decisions But these are elements that you need to look at identify Be comfortable with and be willing to make a decision based on some of these and again Your decisions are never going to be made perfect You're not going to have all the facts lined up But again, you want the majority in the weight of the evidence in your favor on making a positive decision Ultimately, what does this say about where I'm heading in the quality of life? I can expect all right We can talk about when relationships are more of a struggle than they are fulfilling For example, I'm 43 at this point. I like 20 year old girls. They're great. They're pretty they're dynamic a lot of energy Not worth my time because they're too much of a pain in the ass. I just don't have a tolerance for nothing against 20 year old girls They're great. They're being 20 year old girls All right, but that's too much of a time struggle too much of frustration for me to deal with it Therefore don't involve yourself with these women. All right Same thing with much older women that are bias jaded any number of things. I don't necessarily need that Judgment systems how much struggle are you having to do how like each other? Are you feeling energized by the relationship? A good relationship is actually going to lift you up a good Relationships and a healthy one is going to motivate you to do things to be a better man than you are We kind of forget that when we're involved with somebody we get attached. We're used to the comfort We're used to the familiarity. There's a lot of value in there We have an aversion to sunk costs the emotional investment financial investment history the embarrassment I got to tell family friends whatever it is These are all aversions. These these are real things. It's kind of funny to talk to him that hindsight But when you're living it, they're not funny All right, and you end up making poor decisions not bad decisions poor decisions in a series of poor decisions One upon another not healthy It's not where you want to be All right Part of knowing when to make the cut is actually knowing how to do it All right, how many people have fired somebody in their life? You know not pretty all right even when it's coming. It's not pretty Knowing how to actually make a cut to be able to look at somebody and say I've spent time with you And I don't want to do it anymore All right, you can be rude You know you can be brutal, you know Friends and I used to joke you just walk up to her shooter in the head and walk away, you know, it's quick It's you know gets the job done Not a lot of integrity it's not caring for the individual again It also doesn't sit down and say she's still alive and guess what in this case the dead do talk All right, and what do you think my sexual relationship brand just did it tanked? She's going to go around and she's gonna hear every everybody she can talk to your friends everyone else and God knows They will he just did it this way. Oh my god. I can't believe I Know I wouldn't want to be treated that way. I suggest you guys don't do either But at the same time there's a ruthless efficiency on just getting the job done And I had a close friend of mine who was dating a girl great gal Just wasn't going where he was wanted to go some of the values weren't aligned Otherwise they would be able to maintain it and she was more than willing to let it ride Not necessarily healthy would not necessarily productive, but that's what people do and At one point he just realized to maintain his own integrity to respect her to respect what they have to respect the memories They created he couldn't do it anymore and wasn't going to do anymore and What he ended up doing was going up to her house ringing the doorbell she answers and Says I have you have a key and he was I know gives it to her and he says I love you I care for you and this hurts me into immense degree But we're not right together and I can't do this to you and I can't do it to myself Gives her the key And he goes I'm gonna miss you and I can't see you again It's gonna hurt too much. It's gonna influence me Hugger gave her a kiss. They cried and he left That to me is brutally honest It's equivalent of shooting somebody that hadn't walked on away just not as brutal it has integrity has merit All right Doesn't mean you have to always do it that way I'm also kind of fond of a relationship where you do want to maintain A friendship after you break up with somebody I think an exit interview is an outstanding idea we do it in business Sit down without passion give it a little time and have the exit interview And it sounds kind of silly, but you sit down and talk about what with what were the problems? Did you see what were the problems? I say you're not gonna be throwing eggs at each other It's gonna be emotionally volatile the idea is not to have drama But to come to a relative understanding to have your peace give her the opportunity of peace of mind and respect call it a day You know, it's an alternative. There's a myriad of other ways My suggestion is if you're gonna get in relationships know how you're gonna get out of it's kind of like in business as well Your first day of business you better ask how are you gonna get out of business? Which what's your exit plan now that you're planning for failure? It's just not allow companies go on forever Not all relationships go on forever But having an idea of how to handle these touchy highly charged emotional settings And having an ability kind of think it through before you have it You're gonna be a hell of a lot better off than you're in the moment Because last thing you want to do is somebody has doesn't know how to do it God knows I face this of a woman who realized this isn't working for me It's panicking feeling pressured in any number of ways and how do you get out of a relationship? You don't want to be in and don't have the skill set to get out of it appropriately You get out of it inappropriately All right, and I can tell you to this day. She regrets it to this day. She's earned the reputation for what she did All right, I don't like it. I don't like what she did. She didn't have the skill sets involved I can understand that I can forgive her for that But at the same time I don't respect her for how she handled it. She knew better She could have cut she could have acted better and she chose to do the easy path She chose the easy expeditious thing and that was to behave abominably All right, don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to the relationship Don't do that to the good memories that you had because that's kind of all you have All right All right, we've talked about making the cut One of the other aspects on making the cut is this aspect of the notion of learning through failures You need to be able to understand that failure is often where you're gonna find the most growth All right, and you need to develop a personal culture of personal failure without becoming a failure yourself There's a great Ted talk by McChrystal who gave it a talk just about just about that US military special forces commander talked about this idea of Developing a culture of failure without being a failure. I learned it in the same place heated in the military It's paid huge dividends to me, you know of being able to push yourself To to try something new and know that when you push yourself Part of the cost of pushing yourself is the risk of failure Recognize that as part of doing business. Don't get in the habit of just being a failure Okay, but know that you're gonna try you're gonna stretch You're gonna you're gonna try to actually achieve something you haven't done before Recognize that you are and don't beat yourself up when you don't quite measure up to what you expected All right Now part of what we talked about is when you actually make the cut I would like to follow up with the other end of the shovel Okay, when you actually get are the one that gets dumped and this is where the damage typically gets done when it's not a choice of yours You didn't necessarily see it coming. What the hell do you do? All right The important aspect to hold on to any relationship, especially when it ends is not to hold on to anything past its lifetime Don't hold on to anything that's already gone. All right part of The analysis here is to recognize when it's time to let go and that is just basically facing reality and the harsh reality on this one Is she's gone? All right, and it's gonna hurt All right, which brings us to the idea that that resistance to reality is the hallmark of suffering All right, there's a difference between being hurt being in pain and suffering suffering something you choose to do for yourself Something that you take on yourself. You choose to suffer something. All right pain. You can get through hurt You can get through disappointment Frustration you can get through a Sense of loss you can get through these aren't suffering These are real emotions that are legitimate that are tangible to an event during a particular piece of time All right suffering on the other hand is a willful choice to endure something through holding on to something that's gone It doesn't have a point other than the suffering itself. All right, I Also say this I don't think pain is circumscribable. I don't think you can get around feeling the pain and actually grow and have a healthy life You have to face this. All right part of that is realizing you're vulnerable You're emotional you have a sense of loss. You've lost something you are projecting you have expectations for your life Plans events tremendous amount of assets allocated to future projection. That's normal You need to allow yourself that opportunity to grieve that loss to feel that loss to express that loss To be able to let it go if you don't time will not heal all wounds Time coupled with healing and appropriate healing will heal heal wounds. All right Many of them are going to be very very profound nothing more profound than a loss of a family never nothing more loss Than a loss of a wife and a child Okay, and what's worse than even death? These people are still alive. These are choices are making because of a failed relationship All right Again the aspect is that you're not a failure just because something did fail don't get stuck in that rut Another kind of aspect I'll hold on to is that even in your darkest hour It only lasts 60 minutes your darkest moment only lasts that long So as you're facing these immensely difficult and challenging situations emotionally Embrace it and know it doesn't last Don't sit down and think this reality is going to be your your existence. It's not it's only going to be your existence If you allow it My aspect is don't allow it to take over your life Letting go of the relationship letting go of the woman is about you not your ex this is something you do for yourself and it's an aspect of Forgiveness you can't let go until you forgive yourself And I'm not necessarily saying you don't forgive her that comes out of much later Standpoint but initially you need to give yourself for forgiveness and that is often the difficult task We're not trained to do it. We're not cultured to do it But it's something I think is a critical aspect to naturally healing natural growth progression Especially in an adverse situation where you've been dumped and it's not pretty it never is All right chances are you won't move on Until you're actually ready to all right. That's terribly telling I've known I I tend to cling on to old Relationships even if I've been years later you kind of hold out hope you kind of hold out for something And often what I realize is I'm holding out not necessarily for that relationship or that individual I'm holding out hope for the individual. I wanted her to be I'm holding out hope for that relationship In the way in which I wanted or anticipated to be and the reality is that relationship never existed All right, so often I think we cling to things because we wish they were the way they weren't Recognize the difference between the two One's a real loss. The other is is a loss of anticipation or desire still hurts But the reality is when you're faced with it and you have her back. Let's say God forbid It's not gonna be what you want it to be Now as far as a breakup, I'd sit down and say there's gonna be a number of steps You're gonna want to take the first and most important especially when you've been dumped is gonna what I'm gonna call she talks You're gonna literally need to detox your sides yourself from that relationship the first and most critical aspect to this is Don't have contact Don't write her don't contact her don't call don't stock don't drive by don't let her in the house Don't communicate Stay the hell away All right, you cannot get past your time To get through this without having contact All right, it's a form of addiction. All right. It's it's a hormonal addiction. It's an emotional addiction It's a behavioral addiction and she's damn cute You like her in the first place and it's a it's a solution that wasn't of your design. This isn't what you want it You're very very susceptible treat yourself like a recovering addict. It's gonna be very similar part of that process To acknowledge it to acknowledge that you had expectations that were lost Acknowledge that you had desires and wishes that weren't fulfilled All right The other aspect and I think this is part of something that you don't hear a whole lot of is start to accept Accountability and accept responsibility for its failure and I'm not saying you're to blame But take on ownership of the aspects you were What role did you play in this? What role enable this sort of to take place? What role did you play to put yourself to make yourself so vulnerable? Part of that is then Looking at it and saying what can I gain? How do I prevent this? How do I improve? How do I grow and I think that's what the most critical aspect of the entire growth sequence of healing It's to sit down and say how do I become a better man for having gone through this experience no matter how heinous it was What you ultimately don't want to do is be the same guy You were when you first had that relationship you ultimately want to be a better man What can you salvage out of this burning house that you're gonna be able to take forward and make a better life for yourself? Often they're gonna be very minor things, but they're gonna be significant Sense of pride for having put yourself out there sense of worth for having been vulnerable Willing to engage this to have lived up to your ideals Even if you're egregiously wrong Did you live up to your own expectations? These are things you can't be taken from you. They're yours Don't give them away Don't throw them away with a relationship even a failed This is where I'm gonna sit down and be a little more confrontational as far as what community members will actually sit down and talk about there's this notion of What happens when you have a relationship either you dump her or more importantly She dumps you and this idea of how do I get her back? The community response is cut her loose new pussy. It solves all your problems. I'm not a big believer in that All right, I'm also not in a big believer is that she's the one I don't think there is just the one there are billions of people probably a billion people on this planet You start doing the numbers. Okay, you probably have a lot of relationship potential here All right, but the issue is that you found somebody you value one reason or another And you're not quite ready to let it go or it's re-emerging from a distance path The question is is is when is it a healthy to re-engage in a relationship and resurrect an old relationship? And I think it kind of comes down to kind of a real basic elements. Who's fucked up? How much responsibility is out there and where does where does a real burden kind of lie? If she did you wrong behaved abominably did a bunch of things and she's coming back and you're having to chase her I think you're putting yourself in a bad situation That's a high-risk investment All right now if she had and she's learned gone to therapy worked on herself proven herself done a number of things And she still has value Consider it. It's an interview process All right, same thing with you How much were you responsible? Did you care and consider her in the relationship? Were you in the one that was did wrong and we go back to the critical confrontation when we talk about our critical conversations When we talk about the event horizon, where are we on the event horizon? Was it a single anomaly that destroyed and torpedoed the relationship in? Most likely you can probably get over almost anything Okay, if it's a singular event and in that regard I would recommend each and every one of you learn how to give a proper apology That doesn't mean just saying I'm sorry It means identifying what was done Taking ownership of that action without question without justification without excuse All right, it means owning it. I Did this and it was wrong period Follow it up by Acknowledging the damage and harm that was done because it was she was hurt. She was egregious You're you're at fault. You can't physically repay, but you can emotionally repay. I know I harmed this relationship I know I broke this trust I know I treated you in a manner that wasn't becoming of you because you're an individual that has earned my respect And I did not reflect that I was not operating with my own sense of entitlement or my sense of identity This is these are not values I hold and that my actions were counter to that Then you need to apologize express your sorrow and Again pop the question in aspect cap it off with tell her how you're gonna change Don't just say I'm not gonna do this again Relate how this has affected you I'm ashamed of my behaviors and because of that It's influenced me to prompt me to never want to do it do this again All right in that in these particular case if you're able to do that and it's real and sincere You may have a fighting chance All right, otherwise you're gonna have to showcase change Saying you've changed ain't gonna cut it All right resurrecting the old relationship again isn't gonna cut it people that have healthy sense of who they are Where they want to go and want a healthy life don't want the same failing relationship. It's already failed once don't repeat it again Don't propagate the notion. You'll just do better. Okay. We'll have the same relationship and it'll be fine It's not gonna be fine intuitively people know it's not not going to be all right You need to showcase change you also need to showcase the lack of neediness especially in getting her back All right I've never heard somebody say neediness is attractive on the contrary women again and again and again We'll sit down and say a sense of confidence is attractive All right, you begging pleading doing all these supplicating elements trying to get her back not gonna work She may entertain it and may validate her that's fine Don't expect a positive healthy relationship by acting through a supplicating manner You also need to be able to re re-establish trust and respect It's gonna be a little more difficult that I think is established initially by by the lack of content or not content contact When a woman sits down and dumps you and says I don't want to see again. Don't be hounding her respect that decision It's gonna be tough one If she's willing to meet with you and you say I'm gonna meet you at a certain place certain time do that Don't leave her hanging. Don't throw the women that you've been seeing in her face and it's fair to do that, but don't do it Okay, it's not showing respect. It's not gonna build that trust All right You know you can play on people's emotions It may be successful in the short run It's not gonna work out long term and you're also establishing a sense of behavior and propriety in the relationship She's entitled to do that to you All right. I don't necessarily like tit for tat. It's it's not healthy. It can be insidious. All right Another aspect is don't dwell in the past Apologize make amends, but don't dwell on it Now the flip side to this is you want to kind of tap into a little bit of the nostalgia Relive some of the good times, but don't do it too much because in the back of her head and in human nature We all know how this relationship ends. The story doesn't end. Well Dwelling on the past doesn't get you into the future. All right Utilize it to a minor degree. Don't be dwelling on how you did poorly. Don't be dwelling on how you did her wrong Cut it short. I've apologized for I meant it, but I'm not gonna be hounded. I'm not gonna be you know whipping post over this All right The other aspect is the notion of conscious living You need to be living your life for you You need to be living a life women want to be naturally a part of it shouldn't necessarily be just your sole goal That women are gonna find attractive that is gonna want to lure her back in in a healthy manner When she sees you living your life being the man you should have been and could have been All right, that's an entirely different thing than saying I'm gonna change That becomes attractive Especially if she's holding out a little bit of reservation on it and the last one on on this entire talk is when you cap this off It's not enough to have a life that women want to be a part of You've got to be able to make that connection with her and that connection with the life You're living and be able to project that in the future And that's ultimately what relationships all about is about making that connection with an individual Sharing that familiarity that bond that trust that respect and projecting that into the future So ultimately I would sit down and say that Relationships are very very very positive aspects on human human development on male Culture and I think we'd need to be celebrating these in many more ways I think we need to be looking at I think we need to be studying them I think we need to be developing skill sets to be able to have healthy relationships I think they're gonna affect not only our own lives. They're gonna affect our family's lives They're gonna affect societies and cultures All right, you want to be a better man not just for yourself You want to be a better man so that you can project that to have a better life You can have a better choice of a partner. You can have a better family Okay, strengthen your family tree strengthen your cultural tree All right Any questions dead silence I'm curious you mentioned at the beginning Monogamy and aspect of relationships and you didn't mention it again, but I'm curious a dirty word as right I'm curious as to your views on And acting this stuff I've done both. I've done monogamy. I've done Polyamory or plague me and I Don't know if it's just I'm not ready for a monogamous relationship or that It's not for me. I'm not really sure what it is but I'm curious as to your thoughts on the benefits of Just having One woman to have these deep relationships with as opposed to having One or two or three, okay? It's fair. Ultimately, you're gonna have to make your own decision and then that's gonna be the most Decisive it has to be your decision for you I can sit down and say when you commit to a woman and you have you know commit to not only an idea of a Interpersonal commitment, but one of monogamy you're operating without a net and Anytime you operate without a net and a chance of real failures there You're gonna act more decisive You're gonna have to actually pay more attention to it because you have more at risk Okay, the nature of that relationship is going to be different now. I'll also I'll be really honest I've done similar things as you have when you have multiple choices when you constantly have opportunities I'm gonna sit down and say honestly you're gonna make better decisions You're gonna make better decisions They're gonna come easier to you than if you only have one choice or one decision But when you're dealing with one individual you're talking about the nature of not having necessarily Picking the better apple off of a tree using a gardening aspect. You're actually talking about tending the garden You're actually tending to an individual Okay, and the idea of a partner is in a very real sense here You're partnered together and so you kind of have a responsibility and obligation to help foster an environment where the individual is going to Basically thrive and flourish and I you want the same from them. They you want them to be doing the same thing I think there's a level of intensity a level of Commitment to action that you get in monogamy and in a committed relationship that you don't when you have a plethora of choices And the the key in all this is you need to experience at all, you know experience Dating experience not dating but seeing a bunch of different women Experience the idea for example of taking a summer lover of saying, you know for this summer I'm gonna commit to one individual for a little while I know it's not gonna last long and can relatively communicate that you know and that's fair You're not stringing along you're not building up expectations But to sit down and say I'm gonna dedicate this period of time between you and I to see what happens to Allow something to foster that may not have fostered when there are other individuals in play and the reality is the less complexity The more players you have involved the more complex it gets You know and that's just kind of simple math and dynamics of any time you have more players You're gonna have more possible outcome and more difficult It's gonna be not that it can't be achieved it can be it has been and there's case histories for this throughout time But I think it's something that everybody has to make their own decision of what their life is going to be like How do they want to live it and find that aspect whether it involves being in a relationship or not being in a relationship? You can live a happy fulfilling productive life and never been in a relationship. I just know for myself and a lot of other people That's not always the case. It's why as a men's community agreement We lose a large number of individuals because there's no place for him in the men's community once you're in relationship You're ostracized, you know, I've been told that very directly It's not something I believe in I haven't gone away You know, that's one of the reasons why I'm staying in here today is to be able to implement that change be that aspect Support others that think that way give them an opportunity to flourish. I Had a question that was more of a point of point of clarification You you talked earlier about the idea of removing sex from the table Yeah, I guess when you're like my question is are you saying that when if you're if you're trying to find a relationship with a woman then Remove the physical beauty aspect from it and just look at her as a person and decide if you want To have a relationship with this person and then otherwise, you know, you can You know pursue the other route of chasing tail and that sort of thing. Yeah, I What I find is when I have a cute girl in front of me I get stupid. I Don't make good decisions. I I blather. I stutter. I don't make good decisions. I really don't And so part of the aspect is I you know You want to be with somebody of high quality you want somebody that you're attracted to so How do you actually get around that and part of that is just running a mental exercise of ignoring the beauty? Okay, the other aspect is I've come across in so many cases Individuals that were gorgeous physically that were heinous on the inside and the thing is I want to make sure I'm not responding to the physical beauty the glitter Okay, the flash and I want to respond to the individual so part of what I actually you know Physically do is to screen that out mentally don't respond to how pretty they are. Don't don't make comments God you're gorgeous. God that looks great on you. God. You're really attractive. Okay, the other following on is to sit down and have the Anxiety where you're looking for sex. Okay, that's a human drive. It's a human need. It's natural But don't make that the goal don't don't be confused with where you want to go go and have a relationship And have sex get in the way because women are actually very concerned about your ability to commit an exchange Because a lot of a lot of women the only two things they work with are the exchange and beauty value and sex value and Often what you'll find is they don't have anything else that they bring to the table And that's a sad story, but you'll you'll see it in a number of different women's in a number of different ways I look for somebody that brings a hell of a lot more to the table a measure of charm measure of intrigue intelligence Interest things that I can actually share and banter ideas with somebody I can trust You know and that's going to be exhibited in a number of ways in a lot of cases You need to do this interviewing process a screening process and Avoid some of the more common pitfalls now the reality is I respond to these things and I know it You know can't help it. It's ingrained Don't respond to it when you're having to make decisions. All right, and there's nothing wrong with saying I don't want a relationship I want pretty women in my life, and I want a lot of sex We can do that the pickup community has been phenomenal in developing fostering this sort of content fostering the community that way I think there's more to life, you know, I think there's an enormous market out there for Coaches whether it's lifestyle coaches pickup artists or any number of aspects to sit down and say the real market is not on getting late We talked about it last night about the the narrow market niches as far as what what a lot of pickup artists I should talk whether it's text game whether it's stripper game whether it's day game or whatever real narrow category For a very short period of time. What happens when you actually get the girl when you actually get the relationship I think there's this huge market out there For guys that want relationships want better quality relationships want wives How do we get them there? How as men do we evolve that when we don't have this as far as fathers brothers and Society helping to teach us when we don't have these elements to where we can learn and express it. I Knew I have gotten in verbal altercations with females Female friends of mine that were very very upset with the notion that I'm actually speaking to a group of young men on How to be better men? Why does it have to be a men's issue? It's not it's a person issue. It just happens to be men's in this issue And we also don't have the resources that a lot of women do for example at all universities. You'll probably find a women's department study history culture Whether it's literature studies on these things. We don't have that for the males And I think it shows in our society. I think it shows in our divorce rates I think it shows in our failed marriages whether they've separated or not. I think it shows in our failed relationships. I Think it shows in how we respond to the sexes. I think it's atrocious Got one from Anthony this guy ball buster one kind of Tim last year when he gave a speech top 10 six point your 20s right a man friend yours He talked about marriage specifically being potential mistake and I think specifically in like a legal context of Kind of the law says the legal system being set up for men to fail and kind of get bucked Just to put it bluntly. Do you have any thoughts on that? Maybe you should recommend that or how to deal with that. I can I've never been married never curious to yeah So, you know, I don't have personal experience. I can sit down and say in many states. It's a contract a Legal contract not necessarily, you know, obviously religious mind and say to Florida believes that I think that when you partner your ship like that You are taking incredible risks I think people vet business partners that they have the same contractual obligations for in a much better way than they do a marriage Often in business, we don't put we're not emotionally at stake We don't project our sense of identity the same way we do with marriages. So in that way particular way I think the costs are much much higher I think it's terribly at risk. I mean the running joke literally is is that you know marriage is the leading cause of divorce You know, I think that's true. I also think it's an institution people fall into too readily I happen to be a believer in But I think we do it too fast, you know, again, I think we end up with people we end up in marriage We end up because it we are pushed into it by peer pressure It's not a conscious decision the notion to sit down and say I'm gonna be financially emotionally Physically responsible for another individual for life is one hell of a commitment and as a man you're making that commitment and as a man you have an obligation to fulfill that commitment doesn't mean you have to be Held hostage to it. I think it's appropriate to have divorce But I think we do it too often and I don't think there is a responsible or accepted cultural alternative to other than hooking up I think it's a shame But you know, it's it's it's convoluted. I know Tim got hurt, you know, I know about that personally I've seen the ramifications of it. I've seen how he's treated women. I've seen how he's treated himself because of You know, and they leave psychic scars he's not emotionally available and Unfortunately, there have been a number of people in his life that I've met and enjoyed that he wasn't open to that his Life probably could have been changed had had had he opened up to it and unfortunately this individual is killed She died in a car wreck and there's no getting that back and then that that'll wake you up That will wake you up, you know and make you realize some different things. So I don't think necessarily marriage is inherently bad I think it's a terribly risky There's a lot of risk involved. I think there's some rewards too, but I think it's a no a noble effort No, you know institution if we'll call it I've been to every 21 convention event since it's I guess inception Prior to 2007. I encourage you to take the stage continually on this. I Guess content. I think it's a great direction for the community And I think there's more power with what you're saying than probably a lot of the men in this room especially young men realize and I think it also underlines the why and why this event has potential to really help men become ideal men Steve my idea says a lot that men have forgotten how to be men And I think that statement is incredibly powerful And that doesn't always necessitate or mean that we go to a club and we can walk in and Bang the first chick we see within 20 minutes Is that really a definition of a man? If that is the definition for you the community has given you the house to do that But I think the larger aspect of men and the success of a greater society Does not fall in that definition of men. No, I would agree and I'm glad Anthony invited you and I Applaud him for having you and I agree your speech has been one hell of a speech Thank you. Thank you. It's it's been meaningful to me because again I'm I consider myself a rank amateur I've tried I failed I picked myself up and I tried to learn on every account and then you join a community of God You know men, you know guys like yourself that are doing the same you share and open yourselves up And I put my content out there good bad and ugly. It's still there And you learn from it and one of some of the best aspects I've learned is one I'm thinking a particular way and I have a close friend that has that knows the information can read it and Sit down. Yeah, but here's something else and that opens up other doors and in a way that you wouldn't expect and to be able to Take all this information Put it to put it together and put it out There's kind of a gift back to me because I know I stole most of the content to begin with I didn't get here because I was just a smart savvy guy, you know, if I was a smart savvy guy I wouldn't have been in that position to begin with And so it's been a wonderful experience for me to be able to sit here before each of you and be able to express all that Information and convey that and to give it to you, and I hope you guys found it of worth and Samaritan Thank you One more I Really enjoyed that and I just had one question like how do you transmute your values? Like let's say you're in a relationship like I'm with Woman, I absolutely adore great relationship Open relationship kind of long distance. We see each other every like five weeks like six weeks and as far as like keeping things growing and Like aligning our values because there's I said We hope you started to grow a lot. So on the few things that You don't really see eye-to-eye or just different for us. How do we go about mingling those or should we? And again, it's gonna be a judgment called the question is how out of alignment are you are the minor issues are the significant Are there things you can live with? I'm not gonna sit down and say you're gonna find a perfect match You know that idea of you complete me then that's a fairytale, you know, we're dealing with people They're gonna have fallacies. They're gonna have errors. They're gonna you're not gonna see eye-to-eye Is it a growth element? Is it something that makes you a better individual? And and that that I think is terribly telling If it's an issue where it's it's it's not gonna be surmountable or it's gonna Become an issue again and again or bother you for a while It will fester and it will start resonating the relationship. It'll start coming out The question is I sit down and say if it's a concern if it's a concern also look at why are you staying in it? Is it because you're too secure? Are you are you being too complacent? Are you are you really respecting your own possibility? For example in a for example a stock investing analogy would be just because you bought in at a stock and it's lots of money Doesn't mean you hold out until it rises back up when you can actually transfer that amount switch boats To a stock that actually will perform that will break out and to get you where you want The other aspect is you sit down and say how much do you value it? Is this something you're willing to live with you know? Are you really that compromised or is it just a difference? You know I've dated vegetarians. I love meat. Okay We didn't see eye-to-eye on it for a number of different reasons doesn't mean we couldn't live together It doesn't mean we couldn't have a relationship together You know, I don't know to what degree, you know that lies But it would be a source to investigate look into it ask talk to her I mean that's gonna be kind of an odd one bring it up have that open discussion bring it to the forefront But one of the sorryest things I'll say is that sometimes love isn't enough and That that is a horrible horrible situation to be in to be emotionally tied to be emotionally connected to be involved with somebody to that degree Okay, and not be able to be able to live with somebody to have an honest healthy relationship You have to let that one go in that case and it's gonna suck doesn't mean you don't stop loving them It's just that you can't live with them. You can't maintain that relationship in that regard. It'll be toxic and That toxicity ends up poisoning the soul and that's not what you want It's better to love somebody and not be involved with them that it is to live through a toxic event like that Bonus question. All right. I just first off one a second what the camera guy said, you know I was a few years ago kind of started to get into the PUA community and got turned off because It was like no soul. I didn't see it and like we what I'm coming across or what I'm getting from What you're saying is like you really care about the people you're with the relationships as well as yourself and so my question is like the specifics you talked about a Friend of yours that ended a relationship and he showed up at this door and he said I love you. I care about you I'm ending this relationship. I'm gonna miss you and thank you. Yeah, and you called it brutally honest Yeah, raw very raw incredibly raw and I know him both no and no no and like him both Yeah, cool and so what my question is is you know with the intention of caring about the other person and taking care of them And the intention of caring about yourself and taking care of yourself and doing what is The best or the ideal? Is brutally honest the ideal do you feel like that is the ideal? No, no, I I would hope that you wouldn't have to be brutal That you could live an ideal recognize it when when it starts to change and in course correct either in into it Appropriately or out without having to be brutal unfortunately though a lot of times you don't know those inflection points You don't know when it starts to go over and tell it's too late And the only way to correct it is to make a harsh correction, you know Such as ending and terminating a relationship fairly decisively and that one was and and it was decisive from the standpoint That they had done it a number of times, you know that they had parted amicably tried to be friends Spent them something happened and she came back An emotional event appropriately she was there for him and then you're invested again as well But the problem is just because again you love somebody and you're mostly invested and connect with somebody Doesn't make the relationship right and in this particular case the relationship wasn't right They didn't necessarily have the same views. They didn't necessarily have the same life objectives He was vastly more social wanted to travel see the world live a little bit more bohemian take some risk over not I say risk Travel the world and actually put himself in a foreign location and get lost She was vastly more conservative That's a hard one to get over and she wasn't going to change and he ultimately wanted somebody that he could share that with Consequently he got to a point and realized I can either live with this individual the rest of my life And it was likely they would Or make a harsh decision to say I want something different for my life And I need to pursue my life for me and unfortunately You're not gonna be happy doing that and she probably would have been drug-along if he insisted or if he coaxed her into it I have no doubt she would have gone. I don't think she would have been happy and So ultimately he wasn't you know took a guy's responsibility took the integrity aspect of it and sat down I said I need to end this and I needed to do it in the following way. I can't have contact with you I wish I could but I just can't We got to wrap up we got to go to lunch Yeah, so guys it's it