 Alhamdulillahi Rabbil Alameen, Allahumma salli ala Sayyidina Muhammadin wa ala alihi wa safi wa barik wa salaam. Assalamu alaikum wa raftullahi wa barakatuhu everyone. Thank you so much for joining us for MCC's New Muslim Ramadan Stories series. Today, Alhamdulillah, we have Sister Kay with us. Assalamu alaikum Kay. Thank you so much for being here and being willing to share your story with us. We're really happy you're here. Alhamdulillah. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself? Yeah, so I actually became Muslim on this very platform, actually right where you're sitting on that side, but Alhamdulillah. I am 23, I'm a college student. I took Shahada just about two years ago now during Ramadan of 2019, Alhamdulillah. And I would say my story is very similar to the stories of many Christian converts out there. I grew up loving my religion, really loving being in church environments, being surrounded by people of faith. That was something that really mattered to me. And then I think as I grew older, this passion for loving and knowing and serving God remained. But I think that as I maybe dove more into Christian theology, like there was a thing that just didn't really make sense to me. So when I was in my early teens, I just started doing a little bit more research and seeing what was out there. And I read about a lot of different religions and Alhamdulillah I looked into Islam for I think it was like four and a half years. But I took Shahada and Alhamdulillah I'm Muslim. So how many Ramadan have you experienced? Yeah, so I took Shahada as I mentioned in Ramadan of 2019. So the only full Ramadan I've actually experienced is the one that we had last year, Alhamdulillah, in quarantine during 2020. So tell us about your Ramadan. I mean you've had to it sounds like the first one was a little bit partial. Right. Do you took Shahada during Ramadan? Yes. Okay, Marshala. So can you tell us a little bit about that? How did you feel? Like was there something specific that made you decide to take Shahada during Ramadan? And then also how was that first Ramadan? And then also your next Ramadan? Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Well, I think that I think one thing about my conversion story that I always try to remind myself of is that I actually I didn't plan to take Shahada until like a couple days before I did. And I think that goes to sort of show how full of mercy the month of Ramadan really is. As I said, I was looking into Sam for several years beforehand, but there was nothing that there was no trigger. I think that that that made me buckle down and say, Hey, I want to do this. I want to commit to living this way. I want to commit to, you know, affirming the oneness of God and the prophethood of the Prophet. So I think that yeah, I think that I tried to remember that I'm going to be very honest. My last Ramadan during quarantine was not easy. You know, it was very isolating and it was hard, you know, it's hard. I think fasting is hard on the body. It can be hard on the mind as well. It's a battle against yourself. But I think one of the biggest takeaways, like I mentioned, was just remembering that regardless of how hard it is and how regardless of how much you struggle, it's a month of mercy. And there's there's so much blessing simply existing during that month and simply being present during that month and making those attempts to to purify yourself and to perfect your fast. So yeah, that's what I can say. So, so fine. Okay, so you had, I mean, it's hard because last Ramadan was your first full Ramadan. But in general, like, let's say put aside the pandemic. Sure. What was your biggest struggle in your in your first full month of Ramadan, even in the first, you know, partial one? Yeah, I would say that one thing I've struggled with I struggled with during Ramadan, but then I also struggled with a lot. In general is how do I say this, perhaps like differentiating Islam from Muslims. And I think particularly because I wasn't raised Muslim, I wasn't raised around anyone that was Muslim, I wasn't even raised around like ethnic groups that are traditionally Muslim at all. So I had no contact. And when I came into the religion, I, I experienced sort of a culture shock. And I didn't see anyone around me that looked like me or that did anything like me, ate the food that I ate, you know, had the same traditions that I had. And I think that when you're in a situation where where you feel alone in the communities that you're in and alone, people that perhaps you so badly want to consider that your brothers and sisters. I think that that can be a very big struggle. And so I think that, you know, I definitely I experienced that my first Ramadan, I experienced that in subsequent Ramadan, but I think if anything I came away, especially, you know, during this past year since this this Ramadan 2020 with just like a better understanding of the fact that, you know, first and foremost as Muslims, we are all slaves to God. And we, you know, Islam is not, it's not, it's not, it's not a race for, sorry, not a race. It's not a religion for just one certain race or one certain nationality. It's a religion for, for all people at all times. It's a religion for people that are incredibly pious and it's a religion for people that are not, you know. And so just trying to trying to constantly remind myself of that that, you know, just because I, I don't look Muslim or feel Muslim doesn't mean that I'm really Muslim. You know, obviously I had a very non traditional fasting experience last last year and even the year before that. But that, that doesn't, that doesn't in any way sort of have to define my relationship with my creator and my relationship with my religion and that I can, I can still be Muslim and have that, you know, submission to God without any of the other frills, I guess. So Ponal, I mean you touched on two things that actually and say tomorrow and and say Nadia talk about in their book Project Lena. They actually talk about how, you know, there's a big difference for new new Muslims as to when they actually feel Muslim. Right. Like there's, there's that like period where like they take Shahada and then they don't feel Muslim for a while. Or, you know, they there's a transition period until you actually get that feeling. However it is, right, whether it's through community or just like that personal feelings. So Michelle, it takes time. And I think it's a different, it's, it's different for everybody's upon. And then also one thing that you touched on, they touched on the in the book about how, you know, they recommend that you should look for Congress. They recommend that you look for people who think like you, not necessarily look like you because upon a like, I mean, I'm also a convert. But then, you know, it's easy to find people that look like me because, you know, there's a lot of people from Indian, you know, they see backgrounds. But it's hard for Congress to come from other backgrounds that, you know, they feel like there's no, there might be very few people who look like them. So, I mean, inshallah, as Ramadan, you know, and, and the years go by as the pandemic goes away, you'll you'll feel more like you'll find people who are like minded inshallah. And who look like you so far, like Allah guides whoever, whoever they want upon Allah, Allah guides whoever he wants. So, you know, you touched on this already, but so I just asked you about the struggles. Sorry, I'm like, no, I'm like, okay. So can you tell us again, we have it's only been a couple of Ramadan's for you, but do you have a like a special Ramadan moment or memory that kind of is special to you that you hold dear. Yeah, my favorite, I can't say that I do have any like, profound, other than the moment, the instant that I decided to convert to Islam, actually, maybe I can tell the story. I, it was like, I don't even know what day of the week it was, but I was, it was during my finals week, and I was studying. And again, like, I had no intention of my heart at that point. I was conscious that it was Ramadan, and I knew that the Muslims of the world were fasting. But I was just living my life doing my college thing, and I was sitting in the library, and I was like, why don't I just put on some Quran, like not there was no real reason that I decided to do that. But I put on a YouTube video and it was Surah Taha. And I don't know if I'm going to get this 100% correctly, but like the first few lines are like essentially communicating to the Prophet that like the Quran was not sent down to you to cause you distress. And it is only reminder for those who are conscious or who fear Allah. And, you know, that the God is the Creator, the Heaven, the Earth, and that, yeah, he didn't send this book of guidance down to make our lives difficult or to scare us. He sent this down as a guidance, as a mercy to us. And I remember sitting there in the library and being like, wait, I fear Allah. And this book was not sent down to ruin my life or make my life difficult like this, so this applies to me. I remember that exact moment, and I think it was that point. And then I was like, you know what, I think I'm ready for it. I think I'm ready to take Shadda. I think up until that point, I think thanks in large part to the Western media. We have this image of Assam being this really scary thing. And obviously I think that Islamophobia can really like make its way into your brain. And also, you know, it's just hard. It's foreign. It's a really big commitment, especially being, you know, young person. So I think that, yeah, just those first few lines of Shadda, reminding me that this is not supposed to be a thing that burdens me or scares me. This is a mercy for those who have that mindfulness of God and who seek that closeness to God. Yeah, that probably is my most vivid Ramadan moment. Mashallah, it's amazing. It doesn't have to be that you were Muslim at the time. Mashallah. Mashallah, Allah is amazing and is the best of planners. Alhamdulillah. Okay, so as a convert, we don't have Ramadan traditions because we didn't grow up as Muslims. Celebrating or observing Ramadan. So what traditions going forward or have you already are going forward? Would you like to start for yourself for, you know, for a future family? Absolutely, yeah. I think, you know, in some ways I think that maybe not having traditions has been very helpful for me because it's given me sort of this clean state to start on. Mashallah. And I think that one thing I've really appreciated in my journey is obviously our prophet had, you know, many difficulties during his time of prophethood and he encountered a lot of, you know, violent pushback and I don't even want to call it pushback. But, you know, it was, you know, Syria is not just, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. And there's, I think, a lot to draw from within the Syria that are just like the Sunnah in general. Like there's, it's such a wide, it's just a vast tradition and it encompasses so much. And so I think like something that I've sought comfort in is just being able to look at the Sunnah, you know, look at the Ramadan traditions that exist within the Sunnah, the foods that the prophet ate, you know, the way in which he slept, the way in which he cleaned himself, the way in which he, you know, took care of his body during this month, you know, his practices in regards to prayer and regards to other acts of worship. I think that is, that, that I, you know, can't say that I've implemented 100% but something that I have had a lot of interest in and have tried to sort of incorporate it into my own life. And I think that, you know, potentially if anyone is interested in Islam or like struggling with creating those traditions, I would say, look, look to the seerah of the Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, look to the Sunnah, look to all that's out there because there's a lot out there. There's a whole lot out there, alhamdulillah. Masha'Allah, that's really beautiful. It's a beautiful reminder, Masha'Allah, to just return always back to the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Okay, so this is going to be our second Ramadan during the pandemic and you've already mentioned that, you know, last year was, was pretty difficult for you. How did you, how did you manage? I mean, I can't imagine not having, you know, Muslim family and having it be your first Ramadan during a pandemic. How did that, how did you make lemonade out of lemons last year? Yeah, you know, I can't say that I did. And I think that's okay, you know, and I think that, I think it's okay. I think you'll often hear converts talking about how, you know, we shouldn't, we shouldn't put pressure on ourselves. I think that it was, it was a hard Ramadan. It was a very, very hard Ramadan, but I'm here, alhamdulillah. I made it, you know, I made it to like, insha'Allah, make it to the next one, you know. And just, I think more than anything, it reminded me firstly of like, that I'm probably never going to have that bad of a Ramadan again. So, you know, it's just any matter from your alhamdulillah upwards and upwards and upwards. Yeah, exactly. And like, you know, I think having that moment, like having that, having to spend that time alone and really like, really like only rely on myself to get through, I think that even that spirit will probably, you know, continue insha'Allah to propel me through my life as a Muslim. And then I think secondly, I think it really taught me the importance of like solitude and isolation and just remembering that like, I think especially when you initially convert, a lot of times there will be a lot of fanfare around like the new Muslim and it'll be everyone trying to give you their phone number and everyone trying to like, you know, teach you what they know and masha'Allah that's, that's excellent. But at the end of the day, this is like a relationship, Islam is you submitting to your Creator and so I think that that downtime, that time alone, you know, you sitting just you in front of Allah and just speaking you to Allah, not anyone else, not anyone telling you what to say. But I think solitude is incredibly important for establishing that connection and that really, you know, that you can turn to Allah for everything and you speak to Allah about everything. So I would say that, yeah, I think that, I think quarantine has taught us all about solitude but I think particularly I came with like a, came away with a renewed appreciation for it, yeah. Masha'Allah, Alhamdulillah. Did you have some sort of buddies or anything like, you know, to kind of get you through like with Sahur or did you just, it just came in more naturally for you, just did what you had to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, I definitely, I think any Muslim can relate, you know, there's sometimes in your life where you're just going to engage in acts of worship and it might feel like you're going through the movement and you're just doing what you have to do. But, you know, Alhamdulillah, like I had a few friends that would call and check in on me and I think that's all I really needed and just to just, you know, telling yourself, hey, I'm setting the intention to do my very best, I'm setting the intention to do this for the sake of Allah SWT. It may seem like I'm, you know, maybe even doing the bare minimum or maybe I'm really struggling to even do the bare minimum or maybe I just, I act, I look like I'm just doing, doing the motions, you know. But just pushing yourself through, knowing that, you know, a lot, a lot, you know, what is it? Like even a pinprick of pain we experience like that can be expiation for us and it's the most merciful and he sees everything. Nothing is lost on him. So no matter how discouraged you feel or how alone you feel, like he's there for you and he will never, he will never leave you. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah, Mashallah. And I think that's, I mean, Mashallah, it sounds like you did your best. You made your intentions and you kept putting one foot over after the other and doing your best, Mashallah. But also you brought up the fact that you did have some friends calling once in a while and checking up on you. And Subhanallah, that can make such a big difference for, you know, commerce and anybody who, any Muslims who are practicing on their own and trying. So insha'Allah, may Allah make us amongst those who, you know, support our brothers and sisters, especially during Ramadan when it can, and during the pandemic when it can be so isolating. Subhanallah. Okay, so, Kay, one last question for you. So what would Kay, and it hasn't been that long since you converted, Mashallah, but what would Kay of 2021, what advice would you offer Kay of 2019 when you were about to take Shahada? Yeah. Not take Shahada, when you were about to go into your first Ramadan, which is basically was the same time. Yeah, yeah. I would say that I once heard about this metaphor of Islam being this very big tent and there are many corners in this tent. And what I took away from that was essentially like there's something in Islam for everybody. And I think what I would tell myself 2019 Kay would just to be to find what, what that thing is for yourself that corner of that tent for that like, you know, metaphorical corner of the tent, figure out what it is that you, you know, perhaps like enjoy doing the most when it comes to worship. Maybe you like personally, I really like language. So I like started learning Arabic, and I really enjoy trying to like, not very eloquently, of course, but like trying to read the Quran in Arabic, that's something that like allows me to feel very close to God. Maybe someone is, you know, very into zikr, maybe they're into singing Nashid, maybe they're into, you know, there's a million in one ways you can worship. You can even worship like by eating Sunnah foods, you know. So finding that niche for yourself, finding what it is that you enjoy, finding those actions that you feel like you feel the most connected to God and understanding that, you know, I think, I think that would have, that would have helped me a lot if I'd known like, hey, you don't have to do everything all at once, and also be, it's totally okay to just like find it is that you really, you like doing it, you're good at, and then just, just trying to, trying to keep that up and trying to engage in that as much as possible and connecting through God through that. So I don't know if that makes sense, but that's what I've tried to run myself of. Yeah. No, Masha'Allah, it makes perfect sense. Basically, like, you know, find your, your way of worship, because Subhanallah Allah has made so many, like we can make our actions worship just with our intention, Subhanallah. So Masha'Allah, that's a beautiful advice. Thank you so much, Kay, for being here, for being willing to share your story with us. And we hope and pray that everybody has a beautiful and blessed Ramadan that brings us closer to, to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. Insha'Allah. I mean, thank you. Thank you to everybody who watched the video. As-Salaamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh.