 Screen Directors Playhouse, Stars, Dana Andrews, Louie Jardin, Production, No Minor Vices, Director, Louis Milestone. This is the Screen Directors Playhouse, the Thursday night feature on NBC's All-Star Festival of Comedy, Music, Mystery and Drama. Brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. By Chesterfield, the cigarette that has, for you, mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste. The cigarette that brings you Bing Crosby and Bob Hope. And by the makers of Anison, for faster relief from the pain of headache, neuritis and neuralgia. The Screen Directors Playhouse is pleased to present the story of a fabulous triangle. Here are Louie Jardin and Dana Andrews, starring in the first radio adaptation of the major comedy entitled No Minor Vices. But before our first act, here's a word from RCA Victor. It's been said that the entire history of the American people during the past 50 years can be summed up in one sentence. The automobile took them out of the home and the television set brought them back. And the set that does most of the bringing back is an RCA Victor. And that's because RCA Victor television is owned most, proved most. In fact, it's million proof. Almost two million families are happily enjoying RCA Victor television in their homes today. If you want to see a set that turns Gatabouts into homebodies, look at the new RCA Victor Regency console. One of the 14 new RCA Victor models for 1951. It has great big 17-inch television, clearer and more powerful than ever, framed in a luxurious cabinet of authentic Regency styling. See the RCA Victor Regency console. And then bring your family happily homeward every day with America's favorite and best-looking television, RCA Victor. No Minor Vices, starring Dana Andrews and Louie Jardin in their original roles of Dr. Perry Aswell and Ottavio Quaglini. Life is a dismal swamp. I should be sad. I am sad. I'm taking my bath. Now leave me alone. My soul is dying. Uh, is this the Ellis apartment? Upstairs. Thank you. Wait. Yes? Come here. I don't want to interrupt the death scene. The piano. You heard me? Yes, very impressive. Such anguish. Such suffering. You think I feel it? Well, you cried. That shows you how stupid you are. I cry whenever I wish. But I feel nothing. Nothing. I can't suffer. I don't know how to suffer. Have you tried listening to a leaky faucet at midnight? I'm empty. Empty. An empty nothing in the bottom of a hole of a bottomless hole of empty nothing. That's me. Allow me to introduce myself. Ottavio Quaglini. How do you do? Dr. Perry Aswell. Ah, doctor. Tell me, doc. Uh, what do you know about painting? Uh, nothing. Good. Now, look at this. My latest creation. The inside of the inside of a man's soul. Looking from the outside, of course. Now, give me an opinion. You want the truth? Uh, who knows the truth? Just tell me. I'll decide how truthful you are. All right. It's junk. What? It's a neurotic nightmare. Fine. I'm a neurotic. I want people to love me, and they reject me. This painting is what I feel. It's nothing but a self-indulgent, childish glorification of a feeling of rejection. Petulant, precocious, pyrotechnics. Not truth, not art. Just junk. Junk? All right. He tells me how to paint. Everyone is a nought critic. You must teach this critic a lesson. Make him suffer. Torture him. And start right now. Junk. My opinion. You're right. I like you. At last, Frank. Well, excuse me. My patient is... I am your patient. You can be my doctor. I'm sorry. I'm a pediatrician. Oh, a child doctor. And a child psychologist. Good. I need you. I never grew up. What you need, Guadini, is a psychoanalyst. Oh, I tried them. You know what they said? I can imagine. A man without inhibitions, without dreams. A man without a subconscious. Nothing to work on, nothing to cure. I got my money back. That's ridiculous. So I'm ridiculous, but don't laugh at me. Because I exist. I live. This is my great accomplishment. Tell me, Guadini, just how do you live? Oh, I sell paintings to a duchess. A duchess buys this trash? Well, what else can she do? She's my mother. She'd have to be. Secretly, she hates me. She rejects me. But she has to buy. And if she refuses? Oh, very simple. I threaten to kill myself. Nonsense. Oh, yes. I'm very convincing. Sometimes I believe it myself. Now, look, this paint now. I'll show you. Now, stop me if I get too worked up. Now, wait a minute. Oh, I bear my risk to the blade. Now, why should I live in a world that rejects me? He doesn't want me. I don't want it. Now, the blade finds the blood. Now, stand back, doctor. It squirts. It squirts. Now, Guadini dies. Now! Oh, for heaven's sake, stop. Sure, doc, sure. I'm much better with a butcher knife. You blame your mother for what you're doing to yourself. Why don't you... Why don't you really paint? Get out. Paint people. People? What people? Plain ordinary people. Kind I see in my office every day. All right, doc. Let's go. Well, I'm afraid not. I have an appointment. After the appointment. No, Guadini. I'm a busy man. You're rejecting me? Please. That's the night. No, don't get excited. I'll... I'll phone you about it. I thought you were my friend. You hate me. Like this, you hate me. Hate me. Hate me. Hate me. Please. Stop that. Stop it. Well, okay. Come on, Guadini. But is he married? One question, doc. Are you married? I guess. Happily? Most happily. Fine, doc. Fine. I like to see my friends happy. And you're my friend. Yes, sir. Dr. Aswell's office. Yes, Mrs. Tajkir. I think the doctor can take you tomorrow. No, I'm afraid Dr. Aswell will be busy. But his assistant, Dr. Sturdivant, will see your little girl. Yes. Goodbye. As you see, Guadini, I have a waiting room full of patients. You'll have to... Oh, excuse me. Any messages? They're on your desk, doctor. Except this last one. Thank you. And, uh, you can take this, darling. Well, and thanks for the kiss, too. Now, that's what I call a reception from the receptionist. Come on. Oh, uh, this is Mr. Guadini. He'll be with us today as an observer. The inner sanctum of a child specialist. I can smell measles. Why don't you take your sketchbook and, uh, wander around? Right. You better go out this way. There's a door behind the screen and don't make a nuisance of yourself, please. Don't you worry, doc. See you later. I'll see Dr. Sturdivant now. And see. Stay behind the screen and eavesdrop. Oh, Guadini, Guadini. A gentleman wouldn't do that. Oh, Dr. Azwell, something, something wonderful just happened. Just a moment, doc. So, so this is Dr. Sturdivant. See how he hops up and down with excitement. He looks like a numlet making love to an egg beater. Well, Dr. Sturdivant. Well, I've just received the greatest compliment in my life. Mrs. Gliss says I'm beginning to talk and act just like you. Well, of course, a moon is sometimes brilliant, but only when it reflects the sun. What's the matter with the Gliss child? Bad tonsils. Did you order a tonsil egg to me? Oh, no, doctor. I wouldn't do that without your approval. Well, that's what I'm here for. Well, I'll go out and take a look. And, Sturdivant, you're letting yourself brood again. What you need is the right woman, someone to ignite your fire. Well, I guess it's just that my matches are wet. Ah, nonsense. When the right one comes along, you'll burn with a roar like a bonfire. It happened to me. Poor Dr. Sturdivant. You'll never make it. It's like trying to burn a damn sponge. Or perhaps I should walk out in front of the screen and inspire him. I should... Ah, Sturdivant is watching her. Mastering up courage. Um, Miss Darlington. Yes, Dr. Sturdivant. Will you send me up in flames? What? Well, I mean, I mean... Will you go out with me tomorrow night? Who's idea was it, Dr. Aswells? Well, he advised me, generally. You were my idea. It's not a good idea. And Dr. Aswell shouldn't advise others about women. Look at what he chose to marry. Yes, she's a regular blowtorch. Are you all right, Dr. Sturdivant? The glist tonsils will have to come out. Oh, good afternoon, Miss Darlington. Good afternoon, Dr. Well, I've got some patients waiting, you know. Uh-huh. This Darlington woman. She shows symptoms of jealousy. See how she flits around, Dr. Aswell? The glances she shoots at him. She's dangerous, that nurse. Like a shotgun. Loaded with affection and no place to shoot it. Dr. Aswell, the receptionist forgot to give you these calls. Oh, thank you, Miss Darlington. She seems to forget these important details. The receptionist happens to have a more important function around here, as you well know. I want it in room two. Very well, thank you. Sweetheart. He calls himself a happily married man. Well, with a receptionist like that, any married man could be happy. You forgot to give me some phone messages. If you don't like my work, buy me. Not without my wife's approval. Oh, she'd approve. She knows you're carrying on with your receptionist. They are getting too brazen. Maybe I will get rid of you. How? Drop you right off my lap. I'm busy. Kiss me goodbye. Goodbye. Have we still got our date? Five o'clock, Darling. Don't be late. This is becoming boring. Perhaps you should inspect his wife or his sweetheart. You see anything interesting? Yes, yes. I am shocked at what goes on in a doctor's office, and when an artist is shocked, it's shocking. Medicine has its rude moments, but, nevertheless, all this is my heaven. I'm fascinated by this flight of stairs, doctor. What's up there? That's where heaven ends. I live up there with my wife. All too bad. Where heaven ends, Guilini, paradise begins. I told you, I'm very happily married. She's very lovely. Lovely? That's very nice. Is she up there now? Yes. Oh, doctor, as well. Busy. I'll see you later. This as well. Downstairs heaven, upstairs paradise. That devil is probably saving his money for an elevator. Well, there's no doubt of this art critic is much too happy. Well, he brought it on himself. Revenge is sweet, and the lady is lovely. Guilini, get up those stairs. Let's take time out for a message from Bing Crosby and Bob Hope. Say, Bing, you got a minute? Oh, sure, Bob. I've got all the time in the world. Don't tell me you own that, too. Never mind that stuff. Get to work, will you? OK, folks, better-tasting Chesterfield is the only cigarette that combines for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste. And you can prove that yourself. Just make our mildness test. Try Chesterfields and open them and enjoy that milder mellow aroma. Now light one up, and you'll know Chesterfields milder because it smokes milder. And Chesterfield leaves no unpleasant aftertaste. That fact has been confirmed by the country's first and only cigarette taste panel. Yes, mildness and no unpleasant aftertaste are what you and I and every smoker want. Hurry up, Dad. Here comes the music. Chesterfield, Chesterfield always takes first place. That milder, milder tobacco never leaves an aftertaste. So open a pack, give me a smell, then you'll smoke them. And here is the second act of No Minor Vices, starring Louis Jourdan as Octavio Qualini and Dana Andrews as Dr. Perry Aswell. The receptionist. What are you doing up here? Oh, you're the observer, aren't you? Octavio Qualini, and I wish to make an observation. Oh, go right ahead. I'm confused. Now what are you, the receptionist, doing in Dr. Aswell's kitchen? I'm cooking dinner. Why are you? That's a good question. Why am I? Why are you? Why is anybody? It's our parents' fault. Before I was born, I was very happy. Then, suddenly, one day, a doctor slapped me on my bottom and people have been slapping me ever since. Why am I a question without answer? What am I an answer without question? What are you cooking? Oh, I'm going to cook some lobster, but what are you doing here? I asked first. Why do you cook for Dr. Aswell? Because I'm his wife. You? Exactly. Wife and sweetheart, both? Well, I killed two birds with one stone. You are Mrs. Aswell? April Aswell. Nay, April Mohart Vienna. How do you do? Vienna. Vienna. I see it. He, a medical student, you, the landlady's daughter. A professor's daughter. A Sunday date. A walk in the woods. It rains. A shack. A kiss. A proposal. He struggled, but finally he accepts. A wedding. A one-room flat. A two-room flat. You work hard. You cook clean. He needs you, you need him. Blissful happiness. Ecstatic. How do you know? I see it in your eyes. And more, I see. I see dark tragedy. Perhaps it's just mascara. No, no, no. I see you in America. Yes, in America. Success for your husband. You still need him, but now he doesn't need you. Now I know it's mascara, I think. But you just pretend he needs you. So, so does he. So you still cook for him. And he thinks it makes you happy. And you think it makes him happy. So tragic. Such a completely cockeyed analysis could only come from an artist. Now how do you know I'm an artist? I know the charcoal pencil in this pocket and the sketchbook in that one. Ah, Dr. Aswell invited me to study people and to paint them. Then you shouldn't have come at dinner time. I've got to get this lobster boil. Perry loves lobsters. Just let me put this pot on the stove. Oh, oh, poor ugly beasts. But they're still alive. They won't be for long. Oh dear, there's one too many. Why spare him? Why not massacre him too? He won't fit in the pot. He can live till tomorrow. But that's not fair. Why not? But why should he be the one to go free? Is this democratic? Don't think that lobsters believe in politics. But they believe in life. I know, I understand. Lobsters are my brothers. All right. Since it's a family affair, you pick the one to be reprieved. No, no, no. They take them all out of the pot. All? But of course all. It's the only way. If you have a heart, if you have a soul. All right, old Tavio. I shall dump them all out of the pot with all my heart and soul. Good. Now, shut your eyes. How do I know you won't put a lobster down my back? Oh, what would that accomplish? Discomfort for you? Frustration for the lobster? No. No. Definitely no. Now, close your eyes. They're closed. Now, pick a number between one and six. Four. Now, open them. One, two, three, four. This is the one that lives. Ah, may it no more happiness than, oh, Tavio, quality. Pardon me. Where are you going? Well, it's his last day on earth. The least I can do is to put him in the bathtub. Where are Mrs. Aswell? This lobster guardian is a little too charming. He's completely mad, but supposing there's method in his madness. Get rid of him. But why? You can always get rid of him later. Oh, he's not that fascinating. What are you so worried about? Uh, he's in the bathtub. I think he's trying to strike up an alliance with a cake of soap. Oh, I'll never have dinner in time. Oh, Tavio, can you mix a good cocktail? Mrs. Aswell. Everything I do, I do superbly. All right, martini's there. Not too strong. You'll find the makings in that cupboard. And I just have to get dressed. And when they're ready, please. You should have been an actor, moments when you know you adore Mrs. Aswell. You are the heart of loveliness. I'm sorry. It's almost five o'clock. You'll have to leave. But the cocktails? Oh, Tavio, from five to seven, Perry must relax. I hate to throw you out, but this time belongs to my husband and me. I understand. It's just that, well, you might at least have offered me a drink. A drink, then. Don't sip. No time. Swallow. To the most beautiful person I know. Mrs. Aswell. Oh, Mrs. Aswell. I would like to paint you. Paint me? I'll have to be alone with him. See the way he looks at me. Could be dangerous. But it might shake Perry up. Maybe he needs it. Trouble is, uh, might shake me up, too. Well, Mrs. Aswell. Mrs. Aswell. Would you like me to paint you? Oh, well, that would be nice. Why don't you speak to Perry about it? I will. Immediately. I'm inspired. Oh, Tavio. Yes? I'd like you. And that, Mrs. Aswell, is exactly as it should be. Malini, I thought you'd left. I'd like a few words with you. I can't know. My wife is expecting me. I know. Five o'clock. Oh, I see. She asked you to leave? Rejected me. At first, I thought I would kill myself. But you changed your mind? Why? I was hungry. Uh, Doc. Doc, there's something about your marriage. You ought to know. All right. What about my marriage? Well, it's not a marriage at all. It's a mess. A mess? You're a blithering idiot. Why? You've enslaved April. April? You've enslaved her. I know. The rattle of a chain keeps me awake, Knight. You may well make jokes. She works for you, cooks for you, spends her youth in servitude. She hasn't complained. I know. I know very well. And that's the tragedy. Now, Doc. Doc, be a man. Let her go. Let her find someone else. Someone who understands her. Oh, now I get it. You've fallen in love with April. You did very well. Yes, sir. Oh, why didn't you say so? All my friends love April. But I happen to be in love with her. You ignore her, so my conscience is clear whatever happens. Oh, fuck. Coilini, for once in your life, face reality. I love your wife. If it gets much more real, it won't be decent. You're the one who's not facing reality. Now, confidentially, Doc, did you have a happy childhood? Well, as a matter of fact, my father and I didn't... What difference does that make? No, lie down. Lie down on this couch. Tell me all your innermost thoughts. Coilini, I'm... No. No, you're just trying to provoke me, and I won't let you do it. No? No. Doc, I want to paint your wife. No. I want to put her on canvas so she'll see herself as she really is and know that her life with you is tragic. That does it. That does it. Put up your hands. I'm going to punch your nose. Come here, Doc. I've got a punch like a mule. Okay. I warned you. No, no, no. Don't do this to yourself, Doc. Don't do it. Well, I told you not to do it. Come on. Get up. No, I prefer to settle our differences intellectually. How do you do? I was just examining the rug. I'm sorry, I'm late, darling. I was delayed. It seems our friend Coilini would like to paint you. Yes. Isn't that a wonderful idea? Well, I'm glad you agree. But after all, who could refuse? Only a violently jealous husband who doesn't trust his wife. What wife would have such a husband? All right, all right. Let him paint you. It might be amusing. Thank you, Doctor. April, come to my studio. I'll be waiting for you. Day, night, whenever you say. You'll paint her here. Oh, all right, here. Now that that's settled, why don't we ask Utave you to dinner? He did help prepare it. Oh, did he? Well, I don't think he could possibly make it. You don't want to stay for dinner, do you, Coilini? Oh, I'd love to. I'd love to dinner with an art critic and his wife. But Perry isn't an art critic. He's a doctor. Yes, we'll try not to let him forget. My arm, Mrs. Aswell. No matter what you now take for headache relief, we urge you to try anison for the incredibly fast relief these tablets bring the next time you're suffering from a headache. Now the reason anison is so wonderfully fast acting and effective is this. Anison is like a doctor's prescription. That is, anison contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy-to-take tablet form. Thousands of people have received envelopes containing anison tablets from their own dentist or physician and in this way discovered the incredibly fast relief anison brings from pains of headache, neuritis, or neuralgia. So the next time a headache strikes, take anison for this wonderfully fast relief. Anison, A-N-A-C-I-N. Anison, at any drug counter in handy boxes of 12 than 30. Economical family size bottles of 50 and 100. You are listening to the Screen Directors Playhouse, the Thursday night feature on NBC's All-Star Festival. Brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television, by Chesterfield, the cigarette that has for you mildness with no unpleasant aftertaste, the best cigarette for you to smoke, and by the makers of Anison for fast relief from the pain of headache, neuritis, and neuralgia. The Screen Directors Playhouse presentation of No Minor Vices, starring Dana Andrews and Louis Jordan, will continue in just a moment after a brief pause for station identification. This is the Screen Directors Playhouse. We continue with the third act of No Minor Vices, starring Louis Jordan as Otevio Qualini and Dana Andrews as Dr. Perry Aswell. Sit down, Dr. Aswell. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable. Let me mix you a drink. I can mix my own drinks in my own home. Thank you. Oh, please. Please, I insist. You always do. If he's the host and you're the guest, it's in fixing his dinner. Why don't you strangle him as well? Why don't you put your hands around his throat and choke me to death, doc? Hmm? Huh? You'd like to, hmm? I can see it. I can feel it. I enjoy it. It's nice to be important to someone. Here's your drink. I don't want it. Oh, then I'll drink it. Tell me, doc, what made you decide to let me paint your wife? So that April will see what a fraud you are. Ah, there, there. You make your mistake, doctor. Now, which is more attractive to a woman? A sincere fraud or an insincere husband? Huh? Thank you, April. Dar, you can ponder that little question while we... It should stimulate your appetite. Carlini, I intend to enjoy my dinner. Oh, I see. I can make overtures to your wife, but not your digestion. Right, and, uh, carry here. But that's my seat. But Ottavio is our guest, darling. Ah, ah, ah. The lobsters. Yes, a succulent little beast, aren't they? Go on, Ottavio. They're really very good. I can't. Hmm, delicious. Uh, I wish to make an observation. Go ahead. Uh, nothing personal, doc. But you're disgusting. Why? That lobster, it looks alive. It makes faces at me. What's wrong with this lobster? It's just that I find it difficult to stick forks in a fellow bear. Ah, you're crazy. April, you're not eating. I can't do it. It's Ottavio's brother. Yeah, we used to take out the same flounder. What's the joke? Oh, Perry, you wouldn't understand. Well, if he likes them so much, you should eat them all. There. I'd love an egg. Coward. So would I. I'll fix them. I'll help you. And as he's trying to give me stomach trouble, I'll show him I'll eat myself sick. Pretend the lobster is... It's just that I'm not hungry. Lays the piano very well, doesn't he, dear? Perry? He's very talented, isn't he? Of course there's Ottavio Qualini. He doesn't interest me in the least. Of course I'm an awful liar. Now, for one day, you've tortured him very nicely. Perhaps too nicely. No, no. And why pamper him? If he says he can't go on, don't discourage him. My love is a lonely eagle crying from a mountain at midnight. It's not midnight. It's one o'clock. For a lonely eagle, it's always midnight. Good night. Driven him out of our home. I missed a wonderful opportunity to ask him to stay. No, to kick him down the stairs. Uh... April. Yes, dear? Do you really think it's such a good idea? What? Letting him paint you. You started it. You told Ottavio to paint people. We can't turn him away now. You want him to paint you? Yes, I think I do. That's the way you feel about it. I think I'll take a cold shower. And I don't want to hear any more about Ottavio. You're just tired, dear. He's really a very charming man. What? What is...? Perry, what is it? What is this lobster doing in my bathtub? Oh, Perry, it was Ottavio's... We didn't want him to die. If Ottavio wants to die, don't stand in his way. Not Ottavio, the lobster. He started to cry. What does this lobster have to cry in my bathtub for? Not the lobster, the Ottavio. He wouldn't fit into the pot. I didn't know Ottavio had a pot. Lobster! It was the lobster's last day on Earth. And Ottavio put him in the bathtub so he'd be happy. That's all there is to it. So just let him dawdle away his last few hours. I can think of nothing more horrible than a lobster dawdling in my bathtub. I refuse. All right, Perry. Let's eat him. Eat him? How can I eat something that came out of a bathtub? Then put him back. All right. Thank you, dear. If it helps, it makes you happy. It does. Because I want you to be happy. I am. Dying. This has been our first battle. Well, the honeymoon is over. Now you're married. Then it's late, Perry. We'd better go to bed. After I put the lobster back in the bathtub. There's something wrong. Every time I closed my eyes last night, I saw Quaglione on her bed post, leering at me with a flaming paintbrush. Dr. Aswell, I think you've been working too hard. Maybe that's it. You must take a few days off. I insist. Go away and leave you here alone. I'd have to look after the office. Oh, no. Why can't we both leave? Go to the country over the weekend. Just like our honeymoon. Why not? Yes, Dr. Sturdiven can take over. Start packing, Mrs. Aswell. Right away, Dr. Aswell, darling. Oh, I'll see you at the door. Good morning. Good morning. How are you? This beautiful, wonderful morning. I brought my easel and paints. Aren't you a little early? I couldn't wait. My heart was breaking. Please, pass it over. Oh, of course. Here. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Marlene, my wife and I have made other plans for the weekend. Well, just five minutes, April. Give me just five minutes to capture what I see in your eyes this moment. See what you find in my eyes. I never looked. I never looked. I never looked. I never looked. At bloodshot eyeballs before breakfast. April. Now, April, just sit here. I've never posed before. Oh, I'll show you how. Relax. Now, don't hide anything. And don't pretend anything. Now, don't move. April, have you changed your mind? About what? I thought we were going away. Oh, of course, dear. Oh, Tavio, I'm sorry. But I did promise, Perry. I'd go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I did promise, Perry. I'd go away with him. All right. Go away. Desert me. Oh, Tavio. I'm only an artist. Don't worry about my feelings. Trample on them. Everybody else does. Perry, see what you've done. Johnny and Act, I've seen it before. You cruel, skeptical man. Did I ask you to come into my life? Like an innocent child, I bade my soul to you. This innocent child lives by defrauding his own mother. But he's an artist, Perry. How else can he live? He can't understand, April. He can't. He can never understand souls like ours. Poor, hopeless, shivering, brave, defenseless, beautiful soul. You fiend. Why don't you tell April how you terrorize this poor mother of yours? April, if she refuses his slightest wish, he threatens to kill himself. But, Perry, the parent is the one to blame, not the child. You taught me that yourself. He teaches slavery. He teaches people to worship him. That Miss Darlington, this poor Dr. Sturdivant, they all worship him. And when anyone refuses to worship, he becomes violent. Oh, now, Tavio, that's not fair. Thank you. My wife finally defends me. But she doesn't know that you struck me yesterday. Knocked me down. Perry, is that true? You're darn right I did. You ought to be ashamed. Just because I told him the truth. I told him you were living a tragedy and didn't know it. This monster had the gall to blurt right out, that he was in love with you. Oh, uh, well, uh, but Perry, people can't help what they feel. Miss Darlington's been in love with you for years. That's fantastic, but she's... she's only efficient, that's all. Ah, you see, you see, he said it. To him a woman is only efficient. A machine. But a love like mine. A pure love. A sublime devotion. This he cannot understand. For this he strikes me. And now in his mad, jealous insecurity, he's trying to rob me of the one inspiration upon which I can rebuild my life. Is there any more toast? No. Don't be fooled. In another minute, he'll pick up this knife and threaten to kill himself. Right, Qualini? Right. Well, go ahead, Octavio. Why should I live? This poor rest. This sharp blade. I end it. Here. Watch. See how the life pours from my body. No! Octavio, don't do it, please. All right, I won't. Why you? You are a fraud. And of course I am. Everything he said about me is true. See? But why? Because I don't know any other way to say that I love you. Yes. Well, now go away and enjoy life. In this world, joy and misery can only be separated if someone takes unto himself the misery, leaving happiness behind for the others. Goodbye. Poor Octavio. We'll never see each other again. Now I feel like eating breakfast. And, Dark, you will live forever with your ghastly doubts. What ghastly doubts? Did you really care for me? What would have happened if you had painted her? What would the portrait show? A tragic marriage or a happy woman? You'll never know. Poor miserable man. Goodbye. Wait. Yeah? April, we're not going. Hurry. I want Octavio to paint you, to take you to his studio. Why should I live in doubt? Why should either of us live in doubt? Why should any of us live in doubt? My heart is bursting with gratitude. Let's make some more toast, huh? Yes, Dr. Aswell? Ms. Darlington, are you sure there hasn't been a call for me for Mrs. Aswell? Positive, Dr. Aswell. I'll come in here and straighten out these reports. I can't make head or tail of them. Yes, Dr. Aswell. Just because your wife spends every day for a week in that artist's studio, he's just painting her. I suppose he hurt his hand and can't... Dr. Aswell. What if she really is in love with you? Don't you find out? Come on, Aswell. Will that be all, Dr. Aswell? There'll be one more thing, Ms. Darlington. Come here. I'm going to kiss you. Dr. As... Send in Dr. Sturdiment, please, immediately. Slave, he won't believe what he sees, just what I tell him. You wanted me, Dr. As... Oh, my. Well, what are you staring at? Well, nothing, Dr. Aswell. It's delighted. It makes me squinted. Oh, I'm working on the glist child's tonsils. Lovely, aren't they? Does it? It's true. Everything Quinine said is true. Oh, by the way, Ms. Darlington's just fainted. Please take care of her. Oh, yes, yes, yes, doctor. I'm going to pay a call on an artist. Captain. You fainted, Ms. Darlington. He kissed me. He must be losing his mind. Well, I think it's that observer fellow. He's upsetting him. No, it's his wife. She upsets him. And he upsets me. And she upsets me. Ms. Darlington, I just had a terrible thought. What, Dr. Sturdiment? I don't think we're leading our own lives. Just sit still. Now, don't move. I'm almost finished. But I should phone Perry. After the portrait is finished. You know why. You've really fallen in love with her. Isn't his wife you've painted? It's your wife. He isn't laughing anymore. And his heart, he mentioned, is pure, sublime love. But what's this? He's coming over to you. Something's happening here. That's not a look of purity. Be gentle, quietly transfer with words. Brace yourself, Mrs. Aswell. Here it comes. April. Oh, April. Good evening. I was just out for a walk. I dropped in. I was just walking. You don't have to explain. I have a right to explain. I don't want to pose anymore, Octavio. I'll change my clothes. Aha. I object to that statement. How long has this been going on? What has been going on? What I saw when I walked in. You didn't walk in. You came bursting in. Determined to fulfill your jealous hallucination. That was no hallucination. Or maybe it was a mirage. Have you had enough water lately? Tell me the truth. She rebuffed you. My friend. I've often been rebuked, but never rebuffed. Aha. You already said that. So you weren't rebuffed? Why, I don't know if I was or not. I don't know, Doc. Doc. You won't believe me, but we're in the same boat now. I'm really in love with her. Really, no fooling. Octavio. Why must you always blurt out your emotions? Because they're honest. Well, I must say, you're much more interesting as a fraud. Now that you've become honest, you've become a little boring. Perry, I'm ready to leave. Just a minute here. Octavio, what about the portrait? The portrait is finished. There is April as only Octavio Cualini can see her. Now we'll see whether her life is tragic or not. Go on, dear. Look at it. Why? If I'm wrong, I'll give you up. That's fair enough, isn't it? Then you don't want me. Octavio was right. You don't need me anymore. No, darling. I don't want to give you up. Then you lied. You won't give her up. I will, too. Look at it, April. I won't look at it. If you can give me up, I don't need a portrait to tell me my life with you is tragic. Octavio, see me home. No, you must look at the portrait and choose between us. It never occurred to me that there was a choice. As far as I'm concerned, there isn't. Who'd have that smirking lunatic anyway? Well, why are you such a bargain? Yes, why? Or you either, Octavio. Gentlemen, list your virtues. I'll stand on my record. I refuse to admit that as evidence. Overall, I'll accept that for his virtues. What about vices? Nothing to speak of. I think I have most of the major virtues and only minor vices. And you, Octavio? I have none of the major virtues. But I'll say this for myself. I have no minor vices either. No minor vices. No? Only the major ones. Then I don't have to look at your portrait. Doc, Doc, you look at it. I'll be darned if I will. Well, somebody has to look at it. Will somebody please take me home? I'll take you. I'll take the portrait. Now wait for me, wait. You're rejecting me again. I'm not sure I want either one of you in my home. I'm your husband. I have certain basic rights. I'm an artist. I have all rights. Basic and otherwise. I'm a baby doctor. I don't have any rights at all. Sturdy. And Miss Darlington. We're going to fight back against you. We're revolting, aren't we, Sturdy? Yes, we're revolting. You certainly are. Portman. Yeah, and drinking our liquor. I want to talk to Aswell. Later, Sturdyman. Do me a favor. Get out. I will not get out. I'm Sturdy. Hit him in the nose. Just point it out to me. What have you agreed me for? You won't let us live our own lives. You upset us. You're upsetting him. And you upset us too. Why does everyone ignore me? Don't I upset anybody? You upset everybody. Thank you. This has gone far enough. Miss Darlington, come here. Oh, the last time you said that you kissed me. Yes, and I intend to do it again. Oh, Doc. Now, Dr. Sturdyman, please take up Miss Darlington and get out of here. Oh, my. She did it again. Oh, poor woman. Perry Aswell. You didn't have to kiss her. I was right about them. I'm always right. But you're not right about April, darling. Your life with me is not tragic. Octavio, give me that painting. A pleasure. Now, look. Am I right or wrong? Octavio, you truly understand me. What? See? You've made me realize that my life is empty and tragic. Oh, what have I done? Perry, face it. You must know the truth, too. Let me see that painting. Let's see. He didn't paint me as a wife at all, but as a mother. Or the child. A little boy. April. To be the wife of a children's doctor and no child of my own, I didn't know how empty my life was. For a moment, I thought, darling, forgive me for ever doubting you. Octavio, this is true art, finally. Finally. Well, now you have your wife and I. I finally, I know how to suffer. Yes. I'm suffering such a magnificent agony. It's wonderful. Thanks, Octavio, for everything. Now I will go away and we'll never meet again. Never. And, Doc, the next time you are privileged to look at the work of an artist, remember, in this imperfect world of ours, not everybody is a art critic. And, Doc, if ever you think badly of me, just remember the sweet innocence of the little boy I painted. Goodbye. What an amazing man. You know, I think I like him. Perry, what did he mean about the little boy? Why, our son, the boy with you in the painting. Sweet and innocent. You see, how... April. Oh, Perry. He doesn't look like me at all. He looks like Octavio. I've seen that beast and monster, that terrible assassin. So ends our presentation of No Minor Vices. Our stars, Dana Andrews and Louis Jourdan, will return in just a moment with tonight's guest director. Next Thursday, the screen director's playhouse presents a dramatic document as powerful as the stars who portray its characters. For the first time on the air, you'll hear The Damned Don't Cry. And our stars will be Joan Crawford and Frank Lovejoy with screen director Vincent Sherman. Now, here again at tonight's stars, Louis Jourdan and Dana Andrews. Well, you just portrayed one of the most monstrous fakes ever foisted on an audience. Yeah, but Dana was Octavio really a fake. And if Dr. Aswell hadn't walked in on him in April, would she have let him kiss her? No. But I don't know. Poor audience, poor miserable audience, they'll never know. Nobody will ever know, Louis, not even the director. Poor miserable director, then. You seem very sad, Louis. I've been rejected. The director of No Minor Vices, Louis Milestone, is on location. He should be here and he couldn't be here. So I'm sad. Well, cheer up, Louis. We've got another screen director for you. Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce the creator of the Academy Award contending motion picture, Sunset Boulevard, and of such other memorable films such as The Lost Weekend, Double Indemnity, Mr. Billy Wilder. Thank you very much. No Minor Vices you already know about. In Sunset Boulevard, I'm tired of talking about. So that leaves Louis Milestone a wonderful subject and a truly remarkable man. Tonight you have heard a comedy that Louis has directed. A few people and amusing situation. And yet it is the same man who has brought to you such brutally real war dramas as all quiet on the western front and the halls of Montezuma. So here's this Louis Milestone, a director so marvelously expert that he is equally at home on the battlefield or in the drawing room. It should happen to all of us. Good night and thank you. No Minor Vices was presented through the courtesy of Enterprise Pictures, released through Metro-Golden Mayor. Dana Andrews appears through the courtesy of Samuel Goldman and will soon be seen in the RKO production Gaunt Woman. Louis Jordan can soon be seen in the 20th Century Fox Technicolor production Bird of Paradise. Included in tonight's cast were Maria Palmer as April, Jim Bacchus and Ann Diamond. No Minor Vices from the original screen play by Arnold Manoff was adapted for radio by Richard Allen Simmons. Portions of tonight's broadcast were transcribed. This is Jimmy Wallington speaking and inviting you to listen next Thursday when we present The Damned Don't Cry, starring Joan Crawford and Frank Lovejoy with screen director Vincent Sherman. The battle against heart disease, our nation's leading cause of death, is being waged this year with increased intensity. Your help is needed to fight and eventually defeat this killer. Send your contribution today to heart, H-E-A-R-T, in care of your local post office. Listen again next week to screen director's Playhouse, the Thursday night feature on NBC's All-Star Festival of Comedy, Music, Mystery and Drama. Listen tomorrow evening to the one and only Duffy's Tavern, the Friday night feature of the All-Star Festival. William Bendix lives the life of Riley tomorrow night on NBC.