 The Harold Perry Show! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harold Perry as Honest Harold the Homemaker. The month of March brings cold winds and the big blow income tax returns. Our friend Honest Harold is following the good old American customer getting his return in on the last day. It's the morning of March 15th and we find Harold just finishing making out his form. Well, that just about does it. Let's see. Better make sure I get down all my income. There's my salary. That sure didn't take up much space. I put down that Christmas bonus the radio station gave me. Three Vaughn Monroe records. Well, I guess that's all the income I have to declare. Oh, I did get a 50 cent refund on those old Citronella bottles grandpa left down the cellar. Nah, the government wouldn't be interested in that. Still working on your income tax, Harold. And I just finished it, Mother. My, I don't see how you do it. Filling out that complicated form all by yourself. It really wasn't much, Mother. All it takes is a little intelligence, a keen mind, hair-trigger thinking. Oh, yeah. Yes, sir. It's a wonderful feeling, though, having your income tax all made out, Mother. I don't want to be late with it. The government needs the money, you know. How much are you sending to government? Oh, I get a refund of $1.60. Harold, I just thought of something. What's that money? I wonder if I have to pay income tax this year. Mother, what income did you have? Well, it wasn't exactly income. I traded a chocolate cake for a pillow with Washington DC embroidered on it. A pillow with Washington DC? What's that got to do with income tax? Well, I thought it might be a capital gain. Very good, Mother, very good. That was a quip I read in the Pathfinder. Well, that's one quip that should have passed in the night. What? Skip it, Mother, nautical term. Well, I think I'll drop down and see how Doc and Peter, coming with their income tax, maybe I can help them, huh? Might as well stop by and see Flora Bell, too. It'd be kind of fun to help her. Harold. Well, all I have to do now is put this tax return in the envelope. You want me to mail it for you, Harold. I'm going right downtown. All right, Mother, thanks. Here you are. Eat gods, what's that? Oh, that's Mr. Walker. He's calling for me in this tractor. Mother, his tractor. Well, his Rio is in the garage today. He's getting his 100,000 mile checkup. Where's that rickety Romeo taking you today? We're going to a meeting of the sunny side of Seventy Club. We're both on the Taffy Pool Committee. Come in, Ogilby. Ogilby. Good morning. How are you, Ogilby? Just fine. How are you, ma'am? Good morning, Mr. Walker. Oh, I didn't see you there, Sonny. Thought you was a rubber plant. Very funny. Well, maybe I was stretching things a little. I guess he reads the Pathfinder, too. Well, Mrs. Hamper, are you ready to go? Yes, I am. My carriage awaits with us, fair lady. Some carriage looks more like a cement mixer. I'll get my hat, Mr. Walker. I think I'll wear the one with the plume today. Well, got to be going. You want to lift downtown on my tractor, Sonny? What? I haven't got any room up front, but you can sit on the corn, Shucker. No, thanks. Do I look like an era corn to you? Want me to answer that, Sonny? They're pretty cute, Mother and Mr. Walker. It's a wonderful feeling to have your income tax all mailed out. I mean, all made out, mailed. But old Doc Yack Yack hasn't finished his yet. I think I'll have a little fun with the old horse, Doctor. Hello, Herr. Hello, Doc. What's you doing? I'm trying to make out my income tax. Well, mine's all finished and mailed. I didn't have a bit of trouble. Well, yours are simple to make out, but don't forget I got 17 dependents. What? Well, there's Silver Moon, my horse, an evangelion, macaque or spaniel and her 12 puppies. Oh, my. And then there's Arthur McGoo. Yes, good morning, Arthur. Doc, you can't put down animals for dependents. Arthur, you're goat. I don't see why not. The form says a dependent is anyone who earned less than $500. And that goat didn't make a cent last year. That's what you think. Well, anyway, he receives over half his support from me. Why, I've kept him in tin cans ever since he was a kid. Haven't I, Arthur? Doc, are you really going to list your animals as dependents? Oh, of course not, Herr. You had me worried there for a minute. I couldn't list Arthur the goat. Dependent has to be closely related to you. I, of course. And Arthur and I are only second cousins. Believe me, Doc, you're a lot closer than that. That's Flora Belle's having a lot of trouble with her income tax. I'll just be big-hearted and offer to help her. While I'm adding up her income, maybe I can deduct a kiss or two. Oh, Harold. Well, hello, Flora Belle. Just happened to be passing by. I thought I'd drop in. In case you needed any help with your income tax, as long as I was passing by. Now, Harold, I'm on to you. Last time you helped me with my income tax, it took us three hours to get past my social security number. Well, it was a long number. While you were adding up my income, you kept trying to kiss me. You said that was part of the withholding tax. I did. You're not going to fool me this time. I'm going to do my income tax all by myself. Oh, well, I tried. See you later, Flora Belle. Of course, if you want to come in and keep me company. You can just sit and watch me if you promise to behave yourself. Sure. Well, shall we go in? All right. Now, you sit right there on the sofa. Why don't you sit on the sofa, too? It's more comfortable. Now, Harold, none of your tricks, remember? You promise. Oh, yeah. I'll just sit over here at the table. Now, let's see where I was. Oh, enter your total wages and salary. Yeah. Gosh, Flora Belle looks cute in that apron. That ink smudge on her nose. Yoo-hoo, Flora Belle. Harold, now, you stop disturbing me. I'm having an awful time figuring out my deductions. You want me to come over there and help you? No, I don't. I'll come over there. Well, I'll just sit here beside you. But remember, it strictly business. Oh, sure. Maybe I'd better sit a little closer so you can see the small print. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your hair is tickling my nose. Do you like my new perfume, Harold? Yeah. It's called Monsoon Madness. Well, here comes Hurricane Harold. I think I'll turn on the radio. A little music might help me concentrate on my income tax. Yeah, good idea. Well, I declare they're playing one of our old songs. Oh, remember when they played that at the senior class prom and you kept wanting to dance in the dark corners all night? Yeah, I had on a rented tuxedo and my pants were too short. Oh, hell, why don't you sing it for me now, tootsie roll? All right, cream puff. In my... Remember what I did? What? I gave you a kiss like this. You never kissed like that in high school? Dear, you're getting romantic this way when you know I'm trying to do my income tax. Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Yeah, I hate myself for doing things like this. Give me a minute, boy, I'm on the phone. Oh, go right ahead. Talking to my girl, Eloise Zeigenfuss. Cool. Sorry, Eloise, a friend of mine just come in. What's that, Eloise? What's that, Eloise? Declare, Eloise is jealous. She thinks you're another girl. Oh, goodness. It's just my friend, Harold Hamp, honeybun. Honeybun. And beside Eloise, you know you're the only girl for me. And that's the way I feel about you. Goodbye, Eloise. Declare, she sent me oceans of love. Sounds like she's talking underwater, all right. Pete, have you finished your tax report? Well, I'm working on her, boy. I hope I get done by midnight. Well, it's simple if you just follow the directions. Well, I hope you got it right, boy. There's a special investigator in town. Special investigator? Yep, internal revenue, man, from Washington. Guess he's here to check up. See that nobody's trying to cheat on their income tax. Cheat? Oh, hell, I got nothing to worry about. You sure you put down all your income, Harold? Of course I did. Well, everything except 50 cents, I got back in some old Citronella bottles. You are in trouble, boy. Pete, the government isn't interested in a refund on some old bottles. What can they do with 50 cents in Washington? Well, they'd buy Harry Truman a box of stationery. Yeah, it could be. Gosh, I wonder if I am in trouble. Which mother hadn't mailed my income tax letter? I hope that the investigator don't catch your hair. Oh, Pete, those fellows have got more important things to do than... Good morning, gentlemen. Well, good morning. Are you the marshal here? Yes, sir. Except on Sunday. Well, I'm from Washington. You're from Washington? Yes. My name is J. Edgar Benziger. Uh-huh. I'm a T-man. A T-man? Oh, well, I'm a Sankerman myself. Harold, this is the man from the Internal Revenue Department. Oh! Oh, well, I guess they keep you fellas pretty busy this time of the year. Yes, unfortunately, a lot of people think they can cheat the government on their income tax. But they very seldom get away with it. No, I guess not. But I suppose you spend all your time going after the big fellas. Oh, no, they're all criminals to us. No matter if they're trying to get away with $10,000 or 50 cents. Zoink. That's you, boy. Quiet, Pete. Yes, sir, there's only one place for a man that tries to cheat the government, and that's jail. Jail? It'll be nice having you here, boy. Shut up, Pete. Yes, sir, it makes no difference to us if it's $10,000 or 50 cents. How do you guess it? Well, nice to have met you, Mr. and... Benziger, J. Edgar. I don't believe I got your name. My name? Let's see. Oh, yes, I'm Harold Hemp. Hemp? Well, I hope I never have to rope you in. We'll return for the second act of our story, honest Harold, in just a moment. Judy Garland will be Bing Crosby's guest in a merry musical half hour with a decided Western flavor on CBS Later This Evening. Following this CBS Bing Crosby show on most of these same stations will be the world's welterweight championship battle between Charlie Fuseri and Johnny Breton. That's two great broadcasts on CBS Later Tonight. Judy Garland as Bing Crosby's guest and the Charlie Fuseri Johnny Breton battle for Sugar Ray Robinson's vacated welterweight title. And now, back to Harold Perry as honest Harold the homemaker. Well, March the 15th has turned out to be a taxing day for honest Harold. He forgot to include a 50-cent item in his tax return and he has already given the letter to his mother to mail. Right now we find honest Harold in the living room, a very worried man. Why did this have to happen to me? Just when that tea man is in town? Say, maybe if I just offered to give him the 50-cent. No, I think I'm trying to bribe him. Is that you, mother? Oh, hello, Harold. I have some wonderful news. Oh, what's that? At our club meeting this morning, Mr. Walker and I were elected King and Queen of the Tapley Pool. Oh, that's very nice, mother. I suppose you mailed my income tax return. Harold, I have a confession to make. I didn't mail your letter. What? You didn't? No, I gave it to Dr. Yancey to mail. Yeah. Well, we met downtown just now and he said he was going to the post office. I thought that way the government would be sure to get it. Yeah, sure to get me too. What, Harold? Nothing. Goodbye, mother. Got to see Doc about jail. I mean bail. Oh, mail. Doc, you're just the man I want to see. Oh, I am? Yeah, you see. That's nice of you to say that, Harold. What? And I want you to know that I always enjoy seeing you too. Doc, will you keep quiet a minute? Oh, all right, Harold. I won't say a word. My mother just gave you a letter to mail. What'd you do with it, Doc? Doc, say something. You told me to keep quiet, Harold. Hi, Doc. I'm sorry. I apologize. Apology accepted. Good. Now did you mail a letter? Well, here's what happened. See, I was on my way to the post office when I passed the pet shop. Yeah? I saw the cutest little puppy in the window. I just had to go in and say hello. Oh, my goodness. And then the letter fell out of my pocket and I reached over to pick it up. The letter? No, the puppy. What happened to the letter? Oh, the puppy picked that up. Oh. She was your retriever, Harold. Doc, did you mail the letter? Well, every time I started to leave, that little puppy went, sounds like the lunch whistle at the laundry. Oh, so I just couldn't leave her? Please, Doc, what about the letter? Well, Pete came along and I gave it to him to mail. Oh. Well, Harold, I couldn't leave that little puppy. Why, you should have heard her. Doc, why don't you go home and take it this temperate shot? I got to find Pete. Oh, howdy, Harold. Pete, you sure were speeding along there, boy. You better watch it. This is a 15-mile zone. Pete, what'd you do with that letter that Doc gave you to mail? Letter? Yes. It had my tax return in it. Oh, yeah. Now, let me see. What did I do with that? Come on, Pete. What's the matter with you? Can't you remember anything? Boy, I swear since I fell in love with Eloise, I'm in A days. I just go around singing to myself, I love you, a bushel and a peck. Pete! A bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck. Pete, listen. Doodle, doodle, doodle, doodle. Pete, will you stop that doodling? Did you mail the letter? Oh, say I remember now. I just put it in that mailbox there on the corner. Oh, no. Doodle, doodle, doodle. You're crazy in the noodle. Goodbye. Guess there's no use hanging around this mailbox. A letter's in there and I'm out here. Say, maybe I can talk Fred the mailman into giving it back to me. He owes me a favor. I was a witness for him in court the time that Airdale bit him in zone 26. Let's see here. What time's the next pickup? 5.20. Guess I'll just have to wait. I wonder if I could see my letter if I look in the box. Wouldn't it hurt to take a peek? Yeah. There's my letter right on top. Yeah. I might just stick my little hand in there. See if I can touch it. Small opening. Ain't got to get my hand out. Somebody might think I was... stuck. Oh, get out. How are you, Honest Harold? Hello, Mr. Ben Singer. Having trouble getting your hand out of that mailbox? Oh, is this a mailbox? Thought it was a Coca-Cola machine. Just trying to get my nickel back. My hand out. I'm glad you weren't tampering with the mail. You know you could get a jail sentence for that. You can? Yes, almost as long as for cheating on your income tax. I'll be very interested in looking over your tax return. Honest Harold. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, brother. Well, see you later. If I hand the wings of an angel over these prison walls, I would fly. Hey, nice voice. Ten minutes late now. Getting cold, too. He got Mr. Walker and his tractor. He's going to stop. Trouble ever since I dropped a cake of yeast in the gas tank. What are you here for, sonny? If you must know, I'm waiting for Fred the mailman. Well, you'll have a long wait. Fred's laid up with a lumbago today. What? Well, who's taking his place? I am. Oh, no. Yep. Always call on me in emergencies. I'm in the mailman's reserve. Company B. One sight, sonny. The mail must go through. Yeah, let's see what we got in here. Mr. Walker. Wait a minute, sonny. I'm sorting the mail. Let's see here. Mm-hmm. Hazel Wilkins is writing to her old boyfriend in Charlieville again. Must have broken up with that window-blind salesman. Mr. Walker, there's a letter of mine in there, and I'd like to have it back. Sonny, do you realize that's tampering with a U.S. mail? But it's my letter. Not when it gets in this box it ain't. It's the property of the U.S. But, Mr. Walker, if I don't get the letter back, I might go to jail. Oh, that's too bad. Now look here, Walker. I've got to have that letter. Oh, over my dead body. Don't tempt me. Well, I guess I got all the mail. Let's get this bag on my shoulder. There! See you later, sonny. But, Mr. Walker, wait a minute, please. I can't wait. Mail's got to go through. Neither snow nor sleet, nor gloom of night. Well, there's something like that. Mr. Walker, you don't know what this means to me. I can't tell you from the mailbox, sonny. Both look kind of green. Oh, the torpedoes! Full speed ahead! I guess it better go home. Can't just keep walking the streets. I could only get my hands on that letter. Well, I didn't. Hope I get an outside sell. We're gonna miss my friends. Oh, Doc and Pete. Wonder Flora Bell is gonna wait for me. I don't know. She's pretty fickle. Never forget when I went away for a weekend once. When I came back, she was engaged to the basketball captain. We lost every game that year, too. Oh, well, yes, mother. My, you're late, son. I've been waiting dinner for you. I'm not very hungry, mother. Oh, Harold, there's a man here to see you. There is? Yes, he wants to talk to you about your income tax letter. Zeef. He said you did something wrong, Harold. Oh, this is it. I tried to tell him that you didn't mean to cheat the government. Thanks, mother. You're true blue. But it was my mistake. I'm ready to face him now. He's right in there, Harold. Yeah, here I am, sonny. Mr. Walker, what are you doing here? I came to see you about your income tax letter. You forgot to put a stamp on the envelope. Huh? A stamp? You can't get away with that, Buster. I have to give this letter back to you. There. Well, thanks, Mr. Walker. I love you. Well, you're kind of cute yourself, sonny, but your mother's seen me first. Well, shall we have dinner now? You two start without me, mother. I've got to clean up a little business with the government. Say, what about you folks listening in? Have you mailed in your income tax returns yet? Don't forget, tomorrow's the last day. You don't want J. Edgar Benzinger after you. You've just heard the Harold Perry show, Honest Harold. The supporting players tonight included Joseph Kearns, Jane Morgan, Marley Bear, Cliff Arquette, Shirley Mitchell, Ken Christie, and David Light. Norman MacDonald directed and the music was composed and conducted by Jack Meakin. Good night, Ingy Phu. Honest Harold, created by Harold Perry, was written by Gene Stone, Jack Robinson, and Dick Powell. A brand new program, exciting stars, plays of the best from Broadway and Hollywood. Original stories by Hemingway, Steinbeck, and Faulkner, America's most famous authors. You'll hear the premiere on most of these same CBS stations tomorrow evening. Tomorrow evening? Yes, the opening show tomorrow. Louis Calhurn, Dorothy McGuire, and Richard Carlson in the brilliant stage and screen hit The Errors. Thursday night on CBS already is very famous for suspense and for the dramas presented by James Hilton. Now, here's this new Thursday night Playhouse program at CBS, The Stars Address. That again? The Stars Address. Oh, yeah. Louis Calhurn, Dorothy McGuire, Richard Carlson in The Errors. Through the years, Red Cross has helped the victims of disaster, brought comfort to servicemen in camps and hospitals and to their families. Today, with the country rising to meet the challenge of aggression, the Red Cross has been asked by the government to undertake tremendous tasks. By giving generously to the Red Cross, it will help mobilize for the defense of your families, your community, and nation. Give as much as you can. Now, stay tuned for the Bing Crosby show, which follows immediately on most of these same CBS stations. Roy Rowan speaking. This is CBS where you throw the suspense on Thursday night at the Columbia Broadcasting System.