 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Rousse, and Whitfield Rosemary, Walter Sharp and his music, yours truly Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Hi everybody, this is Phil, and here's a word from RCA Victor. It's America's smartest television by RCA Victor Million Proof Television in a smart RCA Victor console cabinet. Here is television that's better looking in every way. Every one of these superb models brings you world famous RCA Victor Million Proof Television, quality proven in over two million homes. Television with such exclusive RCA Victor features as the eye witness picture synchronizer and RCA Victor's golden throat tone system. And every one is a masterpiece of fine cabinetry too. Other period models like the Regency and the Rutland and the Hillsdale, classic models with the dignified simplicity of the provincial, clean line functional beauties like the modern on a swivel base. You'll be proud to have one of these console cabinet beauties in your home. So step into your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow and pick out your RCA Victor Television Console. You'll agree, RCA Victor Million Proof Television in a console cabinet is America's smartest television. Better looking in every way. Mr. Scott, the sponsor has arranged a big Mother's Day party today for the employees of the RCA Victor Company. Alice and Phil and their mothers have been invited. You know Alice, I think it's swell of Mr. Scott to have a party for all of us and our mothers. Yes. And you know Mr. Scott is offering a prize for the mother who is the best cook and one for the prettiest mother. I'm sure my mom will win the prettiest mother contest. Silly girl. When it comes to looks, my mom is known as the middle-aged Ava Gardner. Well, that's a novelty. A middle-aged man with a middle-aged mother. I know my mother will win it, but if you don't believe me, ask anybody like my brother Willie. Willie? Willie, whose mother is prettier? Ours or Phil's. I think Phillip's mother is prettier. Willie, how can you pick his mother over ours? Because Phillip gave me five dollars to say it and you didn't offer me a nickel. I should have known better than to ask you. I'll ask the children. Baby Alice, who do you think is prettier? Grandma Harris or Grandma Fay? Oh, I think Grandma Harris is prettier. I'm going to cut this off without a penny. What made you pick Grandma Harris? Because she looks just like Daddy. That's a nasty thing to say about your own grandmother. The trouble you face is you're just jealous of the Harris family beauty. It's our Indian blood that gives us our fine, classical features of the true early American. Oh, well, it serves me right. Grandmother told me never to marry a pale face. Your grandmother never liked me. Well, why should she? You don't make any effort to get along with her. Now, how can you say that? Once a month I go out to see her at the reservation. Big thing. She goes to see her at the reservation, but you never hold a conversation with her. I tried to, but she doesn't understand me. She would if you took smoke signal lessons like I told you. Oh, Phil, let's not argue. Both our mothers are pretty, but I'm sure my mother will win the prize for the best cook. Have you ever tried her corned beef and cabbage? You haven't lived until you've tasted my mother's buffalo meat blences. And it's for her dried corn popovers. Well, they're just, uh, come in. Hiya, Curly. Ah, hello, Frankie. Happy Mother's Day, Alice. I brought you a present. Oh, thank you, Frankie. What is it? A greeting card. Go ahead. Read it out loud. Okay. To a sick aunt. A sick aunt. Well, they're all out of Mother's Day cards. But I like the sentiment of this one. Go ahead. Read it. Okay. It grieves us so to see you ill, lying there so white and still. So get out of bed as soon as you're able. We need the sheet for the dining room table. What kind of a card is that for Mother's Day? I hope you gave your own mother something nicer than that. Naturally. You see, in my youth, I was a bit of a problem. And as a result of my adolescent escapades, Mother has grown old before her time. But I think the present I gave her today will remedy that. Oh, what'd you give her? A gift certificate for a facelifting job. Oh, what a lovely gift. Well, if you like it, Alice, I'll get one for you too. This boy's always thinking of the welfare of these loved ones. Like last year, the doctor said his grandmother needed some rest and quiet, that she should get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. And you know what Frankie did? What? He bought her a do-bill for a two-weeks vacation and a duck blind. Greater love hath no man. Like Frankie, are you taking your mother to the party tonight? Of course. Who's having a party? Mr. Scott's having a party for all the employees and their mothers. And he didn't invite me? Oh, don't feel bad, Frankie. Well, it's all right. If he doesn't want me, he doesn't want me. But I'll get even with him. When mother and me get to his party, we won't talk to him. Ramley, you can't take your mother to a party you haven't been invited to. I have to. Mom's going to think it's awful funny that the company has a big party and doesn't invite the president and his mother. Ramley, you didn't tell your mother that you're the president of RCA Victor. Oh, of course not. I couldn't tell her a fib like that. Thank goodness. She thinks I'm still president of the Rexall company. How can Scotty do this to my mother? All right, all right. Don't get upset, Frankie. He was probably an oversight. He wouldn't do... Wait a minute. Come in. Hey, it's Scotty. Hello, Mr. Scott. Hello, Mrs. Harris. Mr. Harris, I was... Oh. Hello, Ramley. Don't you talk to me. Harris, what's bothering Lefty the Lush? You know what's bothering me? You're having a party tonight. You didn't invite me. Why? The party is only for employees and their mothers. Well, I have a mother. Oh, you're kidding. I'm sorry, Ramley, but the thought didn't occur to me that you ever had a mother. Where'd you think I came from? I thought you just accumulated like the sediment at the bottom of a beer barrel. Because, Mr. Scott, you're a nasty old man. But in spite of your nastiness, I want you to know that I hate you. Frankie, Mr. Scott is a very nice person, and you're the only one I know who hates you. I am not. I've got my mother working on it, too. Oh, keep quiet. Now, Mrs. Harris, I'm planning a little entertainment tonight. I was wondering if I could get somebody to sing for us. My mother will be glad to sing. Your mother sings, Harris? Oh, sure. I want to hear mom's rendition of the thing in Cherokee. Well, that's not exactly what I had in mind. It ain't, huh? Then I'll be glad to sing for you. That ain't what I had in mind, either. Mrs. Harris, I thought perhaps you'd sing. Oh, I'll be glad, too. What do you want me to do? You can be one of the judges for the contest, Harris. Oh, OK. As you know, I am personally donating all the prizes. I don't like to brag. Them don't. Uh, what's the first prize, Mr. Scott? Well, you've seen that beautiful RCA Victor 19-inch television set I have in my home. You're giving away a television set? No. No, but the winner will be allowed to come over to my house and watch a whole harpalong Cassidy picture free of charge. Well, I don't think my mother would be interested in the first prize. She's a Tim McCoy fan. Why stay? Look, um, Mr. Scott, what would mom get if she won second prize? A free ride on a 45 RPM record player. Emily, will you please keep out of this? Not unless you invite me to your party. All right, all right. You can come. Oh, by the way, Mr. Scott, is there anything in particular you'd like to have me sing tonight? Oh, I'm glad you asked that, Mrs. Harris. I, uh, wrote a little song that I think might be appropriate for the occasion. Oh, nice. Uh, what's the name of it? I call it that RCA mother of mine. That's cute, isn't it? Yes, yes, it is. It has a nice, saleable sentiment to it. I think, though, it should have an arrangement for cash register, don't you? Uh, I got an idea, Scotty. Why don't you let Alice and me do a duet? What duet? The letter. It's a record we made for your company. I'll tell you what. We'll sing it for you right now. The record sells for 85 cents. Do you want to pay us now? Or would you like to wait until we finish? I'll wait. Right, oh. I had planned to be wed to a redhead named Red, but I had to go away. Now, to Red, I was true, and I thought she was too, till she wrote me a letter one day leaving. Dear John, I think the world of you, but I'm in love with someone new. I could marry one, but I can't marry two, so farewell to you, dear John. Dear John, dear John. In Paris, I met a brunette named Yvette. Sir Sherlock Femme, she was my sherry. The wedding was set, but Yvette, I regret, sent the following letter to me, reading. Dear John, I think the world of you, but I'm in love with someone new. I could marry one, but I can't marry two, so farewell to you, dear John. Dear John, dear John. I'm in Dublin one day on the loose, and I asked Kitty O'Shea. I said, kids, would you be my Colleen? A letter she wrote, and inside of a note, sure a shamrock was pressed in between, reading. Dear John, I think the world of you, but I'm in love with someone new. I could marry one, but I can't marry two, so farewell to you, dear John. Dear John. When Sweet Lelani showed Hawaii to me, I fell for her native charm. Give me something, said I, to remember you by. So she drew a tattoo on my arm, reading. John, I think the world of you, but I'm in love with someone new. I could marry one, but I can't marry two, so I loathe to you, dear John. Dear John, dear John. But now I got Sal, just a hillbilly gal. She's pretty, she's big, and she's dumb, a buttermilk drinker. She's learned how to fight, but she learned to write, so I reckon no letter come. Reading, dear John, I think the world of you, but I'm in love with someone new. I can't marry two, so farewell to you. What's my name? Claw. The song will be perfect, but tonight, Mrs. Harris. You know something, Scotty, I can't wait for your party tonight. Gee whiz, we ought to have a lot of fun. The rest of you will, but I don't think it will be a very pleasant occasion for me. You see, my mother isn't coming. Can't stand the sight of you, huh? It's not that. Mother lives in the east. She was flying out here for the party, but she was forced down in Chicago. Her arms get tired? Will you please keep quiet? It won't be much of a party for me, but I'll make the best of it. Well, I have to be running along. I'll see you all at the party tonight. Goodbye. Goodbye, Mr. Scott. Come on, Scotty. I feel terrible about Mr. Scott. He'll be the only one whose mother isn't here. Yeah, that's right, and the guy should be Neri's mother on Mother's Day. I feel sorry for him, too. Don't you, family? My heart cries for him, dies for him. Oh, I never mind, never mind. Curly, maybe we ought to... Wait a minute, just hold it. Will he come in? Hi, everybody. Hello, Judas. Hey, how are you, kid? Where you got that? And as much as this is Mother's Day, I have brought a present for the fairest flower in all the land. Here you are. Thank you, son. Now you may kiss my cheek. I'll just put these in the bar. Get your grubby... Defamous Faye. Oh, it's very sweet of you, Julius, and I love dandelions. I know you wouldn't, and they're very practical, too. When a bluest guy can make wine out of it. What are you trying to do? Make a whinoe out of my wife? Why don't you get your mother, Julius? I bought her a crash helmet. A crash helmet? Yeah, she's the anchorman for the women's roller-divey team. She loves skating. She's always on roller skates. Don't they get rusty when she takes a bath? She lost her skate key. For two days, she couldn't get her skates off. Pop almost left her. Why? How would you like to wake up in the middle of the night with cold wheels running up and down your... There's always been a roller skater. Oh, no, she used to be in Waterville. She was one of the greatest mimics in the business. Her best imitation is Jimmy Duranty. Say, Julius, maybe you could bring your mother to Mr. Scott's mother's day party tonight to entertain. I'll be glad to. Sounds like it ought to be a lot of fun. Well, it will be for everybody, except Mr. Scott. Poor man. His mother won't be there. Yeah, and I wish we could help them. Mr. Scott's party and you ought to have a mother. Why don't you call Abby Rents and hire one for me? Don't be crude. Say, that gives me an idea. Excuse me, fellas. Hiring a mother isn't such a bad idea. Mr. Scott ought to have a mother this evening, and I'm gonna get him one. I'll go over and see Mrs. West. She plays mother roles in pictures, and she'd be perfect. Oh, Phil, I'll be right back. Okay, honey. Gee, well, that Scottie should have a mother tonight. I wish I could help him. Hey, uh, excuse me a minute, fellas. My sponsor needs a mother. I'll hire him one. And I'll get one who looks the part. Now, let's see. Where does the guy go to find a mother who looks like a television set? Hey, Remly. Huh? Entertain Julius. I'll be back in a minute. What do you mean I should entertain him? You hate him, Mac, entertain me. I gotta do something. Excuse me. Scottie was nice enough to invite me to the party, so I'm gonna get somebody to play his mother. She ought to resemble Scottie, but where can I find a mother with a mustache and a horrible disposition? No, a woman. I'll get him a pretty mother. Hey, Julius, talk to yourself. I'll be right back. What kind of a house is this? Here's a shame about Mr. Scott. He ought to have a mother for the party. Why do you want me to pretend I'm somebody's mother, Mac? Of course I can, son. Gentlemen of the jury, don't send this boy to jail. Not my mother! My best? Well, if that's the one you want, okay. Please, attention, ladies... Ladies, ladies, please. I want to take this opportunity to welcome all you mothers on this happy occasion. We're going to have some entertainment by the mothers themselves. First of all, Mrs. Remly will deliver a short lecture on the evils of having children. After that, Mrs. Fay will give an impersonation of Rudy Vassal, the son of Mrs. Remly. After that, Mrs. Fay will give an impersonation of Rudy Valle singing the Wuffin Poop song. It will be the highlight of the evening. Mrs. Harris will give an exhibition of Indian wrestling. Yes, Mom, keep your blanket on till it's your turn. Before the entertainment starts, I'd like to say a few words. You've all noticed the empty chair at my side. It seems that my mother... Mr. Scott, Mr. Scott, don't say anything about your mother not being here. I had an actress to play your mother. Well, Mrs. Harris, you shouldn't have... Oh, it's too late. She's coming in now. Hello, son. Hello, mother. It's so good to see you, son. Did Alice tell you this is costing you four bucks an hour? It's good to see you, too, mother. What do you mean, four bucks an hour? Oh, you're looking splendid, son. Stop beefing. I usually get time and a half on Sunday. Well, sit down next to me, mother, dear. I'll make a flat deal $8 for the whole evening. Folks, I didn't expect mother to show up, but she did, and I must say this is a surprise. Scotty, Scotty. You don't know it, but you're in for another surprise. I hired a mother for you, too. You didn't. Hello, son. Oh, it's so good to see you again. My boy. Folks, I want you to know that I'm so happy to be here with my son. The maker of those wonderful RCA Victor television sets, the set that has a clear, bright, steady picture. All right, lady. All right. Let her talk. Please continue, you dear old commercial mother of mine. Just a moment, Mr. Scott. Do you mean you have two mothers? Yes. Father was very rich. He overdid everything. Seriously, folks, I don't really have two mothers. No, you have three, Scotty. Three? Scotty, I want you to meet your mother, Bubbles Laverne. Hello, sonny boy. Aren't you going to give your mother a great big kiss? Now look here, young lady. Oh, mommy. Come sit on your little boy's lap. Mr. Scott. Oh, yes, Mother's Day, yes. Folks, there has been a misunderstanding, but I think this is my last mother. You want a bet? Now, I'd like everybody to join me in singing a little tribute to the one we all love best, our mother. Ready? Happy Mother's Day to you. Happy Mother's Day to you. Stop the music. Stop the music. Which one of you is Clyde Scott? I'm Clyde Scott. Who are you? I'm your mother. I have a lip, sonny, and give me a kiss. I don't want to kiss you. Then sharpen your nose and we'll do-leach you. Billion of them. Look, look, look, lady, I'm loaded with mothers. I don't need you. Go away, please. To think I'd ever hear this from my boy Umbriago. All right, I'll go, but remember, who will be with you when I'm far away, when I'm far, let me hear that hyno. Who's a mother? This is embarrassing. I realize it's a little unusual for a man to have four mothers, but I can explain. You see, my mother was supposed to be here, but her plane was grounded in Chicago, and these people, meaning well, went out and hired- Hello, son, I'm here. Oh, no, another one. Now look, lady, I've... Mother! My real mother, Mom, I thought you weren't coming. I got another plane out of Chicago, and here I am, son. Oh, it's so good to see you, mother. Folks, I want you to meet my real mother. A likely story. Will you wait for him to applaud for his real mother, please? Of course, I don't believe it myself. Where did he hire? Imagine a guy hiring somebody to play his own mother. Oh, but gentlemen, this is... I'm taking my mother out of here. Hold your teepee, Mom. I'm leaving too. Come along, bubbles, dear. Now, don't everybody go. I tell you, this is my mother. This one isn't a phone, she's the real McCoy. Please come back. Oh, Mama, everybody's left my party. Now, now, don't cry, Clyde. We don't need them. We can have fun ourselves. But you can take me where you took me last Mother's Day. Can I? Yes, we'll go to your factory, and I'll help you polish the 17-inch screens. Oh, Mama, you and I'll wipe. We'll be back in just a moment. Only RCA Victor could bring you an album like this. It's the exciting new album of six hit songs and the overture from the latest Rodgers & Hammerstein Broadway success, by the way. Here are the songs that have taken Broadway by storm, superbly sung by four great RCA Victor recording stars, superbly recorded in one spine-tingling album by RCA Victor. To cast this brilliant The King and I album, RCA Victor has picked four singing stars, such as have never before been assembled between the covers of one album. Think of it. Diana Shaw and Tony Martin from the popular field, Patrice Montsell and Robert Merrill from the operatic field. Only RCA Victor could ever present the marvelous music of The King and I, so expertly cast, so beautifully sung, so superbly recorded in all three record speeds. Get The King and I album at your RCA Victor dealer tomorrow. Folks, you know what traffic accidents are. There's something that happened to other people, but not to you. That's the thinking of the majority of America's drivers, and that's the thinking that causes traffic accidents. Obey the traffic regulations and drive carefully. The care you take may save a life. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. Remember whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a spectrophonograph, or record, put your faith on the cornerstone of American home entertainment for three generations. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. Stay tuned for Hedda Hopper on NBC.