 Think Tech Hawaii. Civil engagement lives here. We all have Friday and welcome to Perspectives on Global Justice Think Tech Hawaii program. This is your host Beatrice Cantelmo. Valentine's Day is celebrated on different dates around the globe. Some countries do not celebrate Valentine's Day at all. And in the US, Vida is just around the corner. I wanted to dedicate part of today's program to talk about love. You must be wondering, what does love got to do with social justice? Because this is a program about perspectives. I'd argue that without love, we don't have social justice. Because at the end of the day, human rights is about the people. Many people across the globe feel their love is in need of love. Everyone, even Mother Earth, longs to be loved and longs to know that here she is lovable. In dark times, when we face so many fears, crisis, political turmoil and human rights violations across the globe, knowing how to be loving is as crucial as being loved. Today's episode of Perspectives on Global Justice Think Tech Hawaii is blessed with the presence of guest Lani Wan, a skilled life coach who have assisted many individuals and organizations embrace the path of positive psychology to co-create the changes they wish to see in themselves and in the world. Lani is the founder of Creating Your Calling and she's also a book author, a yoga instructor, a mother and one of my favorite classes on Earth. By the end of today's program, I hope our viewers will feel inspired and a sense of renewed hopes to live life from a place of co-empowerment. Let's turn hardships into learning opportunities and invitations for changes. On that note, welcome. Thank you. Aloha. Aloha. Wow, nice seeing you too. So quite a mouthful introduction for who you're about to talk about. You know, this is really a very important conversation because we always talk about politics and what's in the news and policy and how it's impacting people. But very seldom, there are platforms like these where we can actually talk from the heart and where things really stem from, where it should really come from. So I'm very grateful to have you here. It's great to be invited to be here. It's wonderful also to see all your viewers and hope that they get some information that's helpful to them. Absolutely. Well, and we should need that jolt of inspiration and perspective because it's so easy to get dreaded into the negativity of what's going on on so many different areas. Absolutely. And you know, it really is a challenging time, but it's also, I feel, a real call to activism and a real call to love, a real call for each of us to step into our power and to really find a way to connect with other people who are aligned in community that has similar values, that really cares about other people. And so it is possible, even in the midst of a very difficult time, to find hope in activism and in loving. Absolutely. Well, you know, and I think like for me personally, the biggest challenge, but also the biggest invitation for growth has been to reach out to those whose love are quite dysfunctional at the moment or we're just out of sync. Because, you know, even when we cannot agree on political issues, I think that when we can bring historical context or even context that would impact people personally, there is that one thread of hope that people can start to relate. So even if it's one seed in our conversation instead of just chopping people off, you know, I'm spending more of that time also in addition to continue to do the activism work and the advocacy work to really create the space that we want to see. Oh, definitely. And there's opportunities. There's many ways to communicate effectively and lovingly. It is a very difficult time. And so sometimes people speak in a very impassioned way that might be misconstrued or they might lose their temper and forget that the people that they're speaking with are their family and friends and people who need to hear a message that is not just based in ideology, but is based in love is based in what we have in common more so than what we have that's different. And also I think it's very important to talk about and what's disconnecting because I think that there is this tendency where, you know, when there's a lot of differences, it's like we don't talk about those differences so that we can sustain a peripheral relationship with someone in family or walk. But we are at a point where there are so many human rights violations at stake. Yes. So we do have to talk about these issues. And that is a loving conversation to have with our friends and family. And it is possible to have that conversation to have that dialogue in a respectful way, but also holding your ground. And at the same time, genuinely trying to understand why they have that view. I have a friend who is on the opposite side of the political spectrum from myself. And I realized very quickly when I was speaking with her, she was basing much of her information on news sources that I do not subscribe to that I don't watch or read. And I realized that information really is power. And so making sure that we're taking in information from a variety of sources, making sure that we're knowing what the political slant is of each of those sources, before pointing fingers and accusing people of not being informed, she was informed. Unfortunately, the news that she was subscribing to tended to be propaganda and not actually information. So it's very interesting you bring that because there's that saying that everybody's entitled to their own opinion, but not necessarily hold the truth or the right information. And from her perspective, that was the absolute truth and right perspective to hold. So it's been very interesting for me to move from that place of trying to convince someone that they are wrong to helping them started to elaborate a little bit deeper into what is it that they believe in and why and to substantiate those arguments. Exactly. And even if I don't agree with, I think it's a starting point to at least help that person feel validated that they got my attention. I'm listening intently. Exactly. And that that that is an engagement of at least showing that respect and trust to be able to do an exchange. It really is. And you know, relationships at all levels are interpersonal relationships are professional relationships. There are those common elements, the respect piece being key, the being willing to listen even if we don't agree. And definitely a willingness to for a moment put aside our own belief system just to listen. That said, there are things that really are facts, things that happen in real time and space and things that don't happen. And of course, spin that people might put on these different events. So, you know, those things happen, what we make of them may be different. But how we treat people that we want to understand, it really is important. I would caution, however, there are certain groups that are not likely to want to understand us. For example, hate groups, groups whose ideologies include violence. In cases such as that it really is better to to seek peaceful, safe locations to if you're are protesting, making sure you're keeping yourself safe, of course. But there are certain groups that are not unfortunately open to having those kinds of conversations. In interpersonal relationships, there are times when relationships are like that too. But there is some really great positive psychology research on what makes relationships work, and what doesn't make them work. So, I'm excited to share that with you too. I want to talk about that too. And you're so right on that, you know, it's not just, you know, in doing protests and those connections, you know, where you find so much resistance that we have to protect ourselves and assess the situation. I think it's every single opportunity for interaction, be it online, being face to face over coffee or somewhere else with another person, whether it's a stranger or somebody that's close to us. And I'm guilty as charged, you know. I think part of this process for me has been a very humbling, unlearning opportunity because I think when people are hot, and, you know, and then there's so many people, you know, who are hurting collectively. And a lot of that pain that's being inflicted, you know, stems from the same source until you get to that point where fight and flight is no longer, you know, dictating your reactions, you know, and responses. It's very easy to get caught up in the same cycle. So, we ended up also fueling, you know, that space. And a quick example of that was a women's march on the afternoon I went to Waikiki for the refused fascism march. We were around the Trump Star and across the street from where we were gathering were a small but quite vocal group of Trump supporters. And they wanted a fight. They wanted an argument. They were saying things to provoke. And, you know, it was a very powerful moment for me. I was holding one of Amnesty International's banners that says human rights, you know, it's my pride to be able to just hold that and just point it out to that. And that was my affirmation silently, not violently for the 40 minutes that we had to face these individuals. It's like at the end of the day, we are here because it's about human rights and it's about people's dignity. It is. And it's also really crucial to consider self-love and self-compassion in the mixture here. And the research that I've done, I did an article just recently for Natural Awakenings on soulmates and whether they're for real or not. And how do you find your soulmate? How do you find your soulmate? How do you nurture it? How do you sustain it once you have one? I personally do believe soulmates are real. But the research that I was doing was interesting because it stems, of course, from self-love first. And in a book that I found that was incredible, had many articles on positive psychology research on love, it was talking about our love style, our attachment style. And of course, how do we develop our attachment style, our family relationships, our mom and dad, how they treat one another. And if you grew up in an avoidant household where love was a scary thing, it's a lot harder to be in a couple, to be in a relationship with somebody else. If you're in an anxious attachment style where there's always drama and there's always a fear that the other person is going to leave, of course, that's a recipe also for a very difficult relationship, fraught with ups and downs and dramatic runaways and coming back together. The attachment style that they recognized as the most effective was secure. And the good news about that is even if we personally might have an avoidant or an anxious attachment style, if we're with someone who grew up secure, we can actually learn to be secure. We can also learn to be secure even if we're not in a relationship. We can go to therapy, we can do our own personal work, and we can reprogram those early programs that we were influenced by. And we can really change our own relationship to what we think a relationship should be. So ultimately, the first relationship is with ourselves. Absolutely. And I think a part of talking about the magnificent changes starting within, which is the title of today's program, how to do with that. So let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. All right. I'm Ethan Allen, host of a likable science on Think Tech Hawaii. Every Friday afternoon at 2 p.m., I hope you'll join me for a likable science, where we'll dig into science, dig into the meat of science, dig into the joy and delight of science. We'll discover why science is indeed fun, why science is interesting, why people should care about science, and care about the research that's being done out there. It's all great. It's all entertaining. It's all educational. So I hope to join me for a likable science. Aloha. My name is Mark Shklav. I'm the host of Think Tech Hawaii's Law Across the Sea. Law Across the Sea comes on every other Monday at 11 a.m. Please join us. I like to bring in guests that talk about all types of things that come across the sea to Hawaii, not just law, love, people, ideas, history. Please join us for Law Across the Sea. Aloha. Welcome back to Perspectives on Global Justice, Think Tech Hawaii program. This is your house theater. You can tell me, and I'm here with Lani. So Lani, we were talking about attachment styles of love that we inherit during our bath and as we spend our formative years. And some of us, as you said, you know, have different experiences that help shape that, but we also have the power to reshape what we have by foundation. Yeah. We really do. And, you know, our early experiences within our family, I remember as a child thinking, you know, this is it. This is the way people interact. This is the way married couples are. And my parents were constantly fighting or rather my mother was fighting and my dad was avoiding. He was ignoring her. And so I just remember thinking to myself, I don't want that at a very early age. And I was fortunate that I had a friend in school whose parents were very loving toward one another. So I realized within my elementary years that it was possible to have a loving relationship that marriage wasn't necessarily arguing and that it was possible for me to make different choices. So that was exciting. And of course, I went through my share of ups and downs later in my youth. But ultimately, I think I've developed a more secure attachment style instead of an avoidant or anxious one. Not to say that we don't all have those moments of insecurity, but it is possible with a variety of techniques that, you know, self-help books are terrific. I highly recommend Dr. Kristen Neff's book, Self-Compassion. It's a research cutting edge research on how to be more compassionate toward oneself. A lot of people think that means being selfish or weak. But the truth is the more compassionate we are to ourselves, the more compassionate we'll be toward others and the better we'll be in relationship to others. And we have to start with ourselves. And I think I was raised with that belief that self-care was just not possible. You know, part of being a, you know, a servant leader and part of being, you know, somebody who cares about all those is that you have to take care everything and everybody else. And you are the last person, if there is time to do anything, you know, there could be like a lot of self-care. And I'm learning that, you know, now in my 40s, because, you know, life is not like a marathon that you can run on a sprint. You have to have times to breathe, to take breaks. It's an endurance race, it really is. It truly is about endurance and resistance. Yeah. And I think part of that is being able to look at this for the long haul and to say, okay, what do I need today? You know, and it's very different, I think, for very different people, but even to be able to ask yourself, you know, that question, not even asking permission, but recognizing what is it that's needed. What do I need and am I worthy of that is the other question. Even basic things like rest and, you know, good nutrition and making sure that we have time alone is very difficult, particularly in busy families nowadays. Both parents are working often and the kids are busy doing activities as well. So trying to find a good balance for yourself and your family, though, is really crucial for your own well-being as well as the well-being of the people you love. So it is possible to do it. And it's not always a big amount of time. One of the things, when I'm working with clients, we look at how they're currently spending their time, what their ideal situation would be and where exactly they might adjust things so that they can spend the quality time they want. For example, one of my clients, when she filled in one of the forms in my book about setting her intention, she was surprised to realize she was spending a lot of time worrying and it was really draining her joy in life and her ability to get things done. Once she realized that, she actually decided that she needed therapy in addition to coaching. She realized that coaching alone wasn't going to help her, that it was a deep-seated challenge that she needed to overcome and she couldn't at that point do it on her own. But she, it was such a triumph for her to realize that and she realized that she was worth the time to be happy. She was worth taking the time and not being anxious anymore. So that was a really inspiring story. Other clients I've worked with, they maybe needed to just adjust half an hour. I had another woman who I was working with and she was spending time with her husband watching the news. She didn't particularly like the news, but she wanted to spend time with him and that was the one way to do it. But it was depressing. But it was not quality time. It wasn't satisfying for her. He didn't want her to interrupt. And so ultimately she decided that wasn't the best quality time she could spend with him. And so what she did instead is she let him do what he needed to do and wanted to do. That's the best healthy thing you can do is allow people to be who they are. And she took that half hour and spent it on herself or going out with her friends or she spent it with her children. Her children at the time were grown, but she would call them. And it was much more satisfying and that was just one half hour a day difference. But it really fulfilled her in a way that the news didn't. Well, it's like the small pleasures that really make big differences at the end of the day. You know, it's that one time to reach out to somebody who's not sharing as opposed to that person that you used to vent with, you know, and then both of you are charged up at the end of the conversation. And there's a place for that too. But it's just minor, you know, adjustments that makes a big difference. I agree. Definitely. And conscious choices. Same thing goes for conscious choices in our relationships. You know, the research I was doing, okay, so in answer to your question, do soul mates exist? I do believe they do. But the research shows that if you think that it's a destiny type of situation that you're destined to be together, chances are your relationship will not be as successful as if you believe in growth. And it makes sense logically. If you think about it this way, somebody who believes they're predestined to be with one and only Prince Charming or Princess Charming somewhere, and then you get in an argument, you start to go, oh, maybe that isn't my soulmate, and they break up. Whereas if they believe in growth theory and they believe that yes, it's natural in relationships to have disagreements and to grow apart and then to grow back together, those are actually the solid relationships. Well, I have a perfect quote for you. No mother, no lotus. I think that we have as humans been fed too much of this idealized concept of relationships. It's very Disney, you know, a couple of adversities, but you bond it together. And the truth is that life is mucky. Disney's gotten better in recent years. It hasn't just been focused on the prince and princess getting together. They've had, you know, the relationship in Frozen where the sisters, the focus was really on the love of the two sisters. And so I give kudos to Disney for trying to make it work. It's a good advancement. But you're absolutely right. We read as children that are still embedded in it. And we're looking for, you know, those kinds of ideal relationships and pillars that support relationships that are not realistic. And people keep mirroring and hoping for that in their lives and the skills that are necessary to really dig in and work things out. So there's a terrific book exactly on that topic that I want to recommend to your viewers. Another book that I did in my research that I really found helpful was Calling in the One by Catherine Woodward Thomas. And she's a psychologist, she's a psychiatrist. And she has a book with exercises that you work through. And one of the things she says, the reason people don't find lasting relationships is they are themselves not ready for those relationships. They have to do the work on themselves first to release all the past trauma and the past story that they've told themselves about relationship before they're willing to open their eyes and be with someone maybe that they never imagined they'd be with. I also would love to add, you know, to people who are not in monogamous relationships, I think nowadays there's much more flexibility and fluidity in gender and in sexuality and in types of relationships that people might choose to be in that could be satisfying for them. I don't subscribe to any particular religious view or secular view, but I just want to put it out there because I want to acknowledge the viewers who may be in polyamorous relationships or may even choose not to be in relationship at all. Exactly. Who are perfectly happy being solo. I am very happy you're saying this because there are so many programs and conversations, you know, I always have that focus of couple and heterosexual and we do not ascribe to older you know realities and older ways of being in this world and I think I'm beyond that place of tolerance. I work towards acceptance and it's very hard to raise people, you know, in today's world even to learn to accept without judging people's choices and so you know it's very important that in this place of loving and co-creating love to really see the changes that we want to see human rights in so many other aspects not just, you know, direct connections but with strangers and with the rest of the world that we have this foundation. We have one minute left so if you could leave a message to us. So moving into community co-powerment and love and alignment with communities that uphold versions of love that you believe in it's really really important to find people who support you and who are guiding you who have experience in whatever lifestyle you choose to live as an American as a free citizen. My last word would be that each person has a right to empower themselves and connect with others to co-power the world. That's my goal as a coach when I'm working with a client I'm supporting them and empowering themselves so that then they can connect with others and make the world a better place. Absolutely. Well I couldn't ask for a better closure to this program. I hope you come back many times over the years you know so that we can give continuity to this conversation we just opened and you are one of my favorite persons on earth and I think part of this is that kindred spirit connection but also the safety to be real and to accept you as real as you are and thank you so much for being a part of my life and for that you're doing this community. Truly my pleasure and if people are interested in connecting with me you can reach me at my website it's at www.copowerment.com. Thank you very much. Well this concludes another episode of Perspectives on Global Justice Think Tech Hava'i and I'll see you next Friday. Hau'i Hau.