 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted. Cigarette, they take fine tobacco with light, Tobacco with smile, Tobacco too. And it's toasted, yes, it's toasted, because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So to get better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted. Cigarette. This is Don Wilson, friends. There, in words and music, is the story of Lucky's better taste. It's toasted. A Lucky taste better simply because it's the cigarette of fine tobacco and it's toasted to taste better. It's toasted. The famous Lucky Strike process brings Lucky's fine tobacco to its peak of flavor, tones up this light, mild, good tasting tobacco to make it taste even better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. That's the Lucky Strike story, pure and simple. Remember that, friends, the next time you buy cigarettes and make it a carton of better tasting Lucky Strike. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted. Cigarette. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Benny is leaving tonight to start a personal appearance tour in Dallas, Texas, where he opens on June 14th. So let's go out to Jack's home in Beverly Hills, where Jack, with the help of Rochester, is preparing for the trip. Have you got everything packed, Rochester? I think so, Mr. Benny. Fenty of shirts, socks and underwear? Uh-huh. And you know, it gets kind of hot in Texas this time of year, so I hope you pack my white formal dinner jacket. You can't take that white jacket, it's got blood on it. Blood? Yeah, it hasn't been clean since you played at the opening of that meat market. That's right, I did play my violin there. What are you laughing at? That was the first time I ever saw pigs feet walk out by themselves. Don't stop being so smart and finish my packing. Yes, sir. By the way, Rochester, there's the door, I'll get it. Hello, Jack. Hello, Mary, come on in. Okay. I'll leave the door open, everybody will be dropping in to say goodbye. Say, Jack, the reason I came over a little early is that I wanted to ask you to do me a favor. Certainly, what is it? Well, you know, Dallas has one of the finest department stores in the country, Neiman Marcus. Uh-huh. And I'd like you to go over there for me. I'll be glad to. What do you want me to buy for you? Nothing. Just see if they have an opening in the stocking department. Wait a minute. You mean you can't get your old summer job back at the May Company? Yes, Jack, but I thought if I worked down in Dallas, I might meet one of those oil millionaires and marry him. Now, wait a minute, Mary, if you'd become some guy's wife just because he has money, why don't you marry me? Jack, I don't want to just look at it. I want to spend it. Oh, oh. Well, I hope the Texas climate agrees with you. Say, Jack, who's going to Texas with you? Oh, I got a great show, Mary. There's the Will Maston Creole starring Sammy Davis Jr. and Giselle McKenzie, one of the stars of the hit parade, a lot of other great acts. And after Dallas, I go to Portland, Vancouver, and Seattle. I'll be gone six weeks altogether. Gee, that's a long time. While you're gone, will it be all right if I come over and use your swimming pool? Certainly, any time you want. Not only that, but Rochester will be here in case you want anything to eat or drink. Good. And I'll be able to charge it now that I belong to the diners club. Mary, why don't you once let me make a generous gesture without... Hey, anybody home? Yeah, in here, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Come here, Mary. I got a big kiss for you. Well, goodbye, Mary. Have a pleasant trip. Dennis, what's wrong with you? I'm the one who's taking the trip. I'm the one you should be saying good-bye to. I'm the one who's taking the trip. I'm the one you should be saying goodbye to. Okay, but we'll just shake hands. Of course we'll just shake hands. Whatever gave you the idea that I'd kiss you. I thought you might try to make Mary jealous. You know, Dennis, you're the only kid I know whose parents run away from home. Dennis, don't annoy him today. He's all excited about his trip to Texas. You know, Mary, Mr. Benny isn't the only one who's going to do personal appearances this summer. What do you mean? Well, on June 8th, I'm opening at the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas. I didn't know that, Dennis. Did you make a good deal? I'll say they're paying me more money than you ever made. Look, kid, everybody knows that Las Vegas pays entertainers lots of money. I've had offers to go there, too. And I dare say for more money than you'll be getting. Oh, yeah? Mary, tell him that last offer I got from the Flamingo Hotel. 50 cents a bundle, rough dry. Rough dry, rough dry. Mary, that wasn't a bit funny. I thought it had an element of humor. Oh, you did, eh? Well, Dennis, do me a favor. And sing my song. Yes. That has an element of... Never mind. Just sing the song. And I, Richmond, and I, Richmond will steal your heart away. He'll be devil you and be guy you with his hollowed-the-lubilee. When that rogue turns on the brogue your heart will go astray. Oh, and I, Richmond, and I, Richmond will steal your heart away. An Englishman has manners. An Englishman has charm. They say it's truly difficult to raffle his plums. He'll hurt you and he'll kiss you but wherever he may be. At four o'clock he'll have to stop to sip a cup of tea. But an Irishman, an Irishman will steal your heart away. He'll be devil you and be guy you with his hollowed-the-lubilee. When that rogue turns on the brogue your heart will go astray. Oh, and I, Richmond, and I, Richmond will steal your heart away. Italian men are fiery. Italian men are warm. And when they love, they love with all the fury of a storm. But you can turn the flame to whites and make them run for life. For all you've got to do is eat a spaghetti with a knife. Oh, and I, Richmond, and I, Richmond will steal your heart away. He'll be devil you and be guy you with his hollowed-the-lubilee. When that rogue turns on the brogue your heart will go astray. Oh, and I, Richmond, and I, Richmond will steal your heart away. A Frenchman is romantic. And the French have savoir faire. When he makes love to you it's always Torre Torre debonair. He'll say to you, my life and you depends. But next day he'll be making love to two of your best friends. Oh, and I, Richmond, and I, Richmond will steal your heart away. He'll be devil you and be guy you with his hollowed-the-lubilee. When that rogue turns on the brogue your heart will go astray. Oh, and I, Richmond, and I, Richmond will steal your heart away. The German man is steady. The German man is smart. For he'll come around and around again to win the Fraulein's heart. But you can lose him easily and make him hide his face. When he comes round to see you tell him, this is not the play! Oh, and I, Richmond, and I, Richmond will steal your heart away. He'll be devil you and be guy you with his hollowed-the-lubilee. When that rogue turns on the brogue your heart will go astray. Oh, and I, Richmond, and I, Richmond will steal your heart away. Dennis, Dennis, I don't know, you drive me nuts when you speak, but when you sing, you not only have a nice voice, but you do such clever things with lyrics. You're just wasting your time with those compliments. We're still just gonna shake hands. Dennis, leave me alone. Well, I've got a pack. Okay, I'm going in the other room and listen to the radio. Good, good. Oh, Mr. Benny! Yes, Rochester? I've got everything packed, but I can't find your briefcase and notes for your personal appearance. Well, didn't I bring it home after my last broadcast? Oh, for heaven's sake, now I remember. I left it at CBS. I better call and make sure they send it to me. Oh, CBS, the stars are dressed. Why? Well, I'll see if I can get it. Hold on, please. Who was that Gertrude? Mr. Benny. He forgot his briefcase here and he wants I should call the Lourston found department and see if it's there. Well, it's lucky he didn't ask me. I'm never gonna do anything for him again. She, Mabel, I didn't know you were mad at Mr. Benny. Yeah, I had a birthday last week and you should see the lousy present he gave me. I thought it was a nice present. A genuine alligator leather handbag. It was imitation. You, he can fool with that genuine stuff. Me, he can't. Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting how you used to wrestle alligators for a living. How I drove the panel nuts on what's my line. He got no grudge against Jackie. He's been very nice to me. In fact, last Friday he called me and invited me to a masquerade party on Saturday. Did you go with him? Yeah, I went to Charlie Chaplin. I put on baggy pants and a derby and painted a mustache on me. You painted a mustache? Yeah. It's a shame he didn't let you know a little sooner. You could have grown one. Fucking crazy legs, Mabel. I can't understand you. Why should you waste your time on a man like Jack Benny? Because he can do me good. He has a lot of influence in Hollywood. After all, it was him who got me the part in that movie. Some part. An octopus in the sea around us. You're just jealous because he happens... Hello? Gertrude, what's taking so long? I'm sorry, Mr. Benny, but I keep getting a busy signal at the Lourdes and Fawn Department. Well, Gertrude, keep trying. When you get him, please ring me back. Yes, sir. Did you get it, Jack? No, the Lost and Fawn Department line was busy. Well, why don't you stay on the line with Gertrude until you've got the number? Look, Mary, I don't want to bother her needlessly. She's got enough work. You know, she's only got two arms, you know. That's funny. I saw her in a picture and she had eight. That was just makeup. She was the same makeup man, you know, that Long Cheney had. Hello, is anybody home? Why, Mr. Kitzel. Mr. Kitzel, I wasn't expecting you. The door was open, so I took the liberty. Oh, I'm glad you found time to come over and say goodbye to me. You know, Mr. Kitzel, I haven't seen you for such a long time and you look just wonderful. So healthy and tanned. Yeah, this is because of my new job this summer. I'm a lifeguard by the beach. I didn't know that. That's surprising. I thought you knew I was a lifeguard. Didn't Dennis Day told you? No. How would Dennis Day told me? How would Dennis Day know that you're a lifeguard? Well, last Saturday he came down with his mother and they went in the water and he started to drown and I rescued him just when he was going down for the 16th time. Dennis went down 16 times? Yeah. The drowning person only went down three times. Not when somebody is pushing you. You mean his mother? Aha, with the help of two total strangers. Well, that figures. Well, I got to be running along. I got to see my cousin who just arrived in town from the east. Your cousin? Yeah. Haven't you heard? Fine gold is here. Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel. Goodbye, Mr. Benjamin. Mr. Kitzel, come over and say goodbye to me. You know, Mary, he's such a... Oh, my goodness, Mary, look what time it is. We've got to get to the airport. Come on, let's go. You know, Jack, Los Angeles Airport is one of the busiest in the world. It sure is. Gosh, it's back. Come on, let's go in. What about your baggage, Mr. Benny? Rochester is checking it through. Come on. Light number 17, now loading at gate 5 for Anaheim, Azusa. Come on, guys. Gee, I should have brought a book along to read on the plane. Well, they have books right here at the newsstand. I'll go over and get you a copy of the Cain Mutiny. The Cain Mutiny? Yeah, that turned out to be such a great picture that they wrote a book about it. That's right, Dennis. They wrote the book after the picture, yes. Attention, please. Attention. Will the pilot of that helicopter please turn over? You're upside down and you're cutting the grass. I think I better go and buy my ticket. Well, Jack, Jack. Huh? Oh, hello, Don. Jack, the sportsman I came down here to say goodbye to you. Oh, well, that's thoughtful of you. Oh, gee, Jack, I envy you going to Texas. I enjoyed myself so much when I was down there last summer. I didn't know you were down in Texas, Don. Oh, yes, spent a couple of weeks on my friend's ranch, a real big one. When I left, he had 10,000 head of cattle. Guys, that must be worth a fortune. No, he just had the heads. I ate the rest. Living desert. Look, instead of telling me corny jokes, how about letting the sportsman sing goodbye to me? Oh, they've got a number very appropriate for your appearance in Dallas. They have? Well, good. Get it, fellas. It's a roundup time in Texas And the bloom is on the stage Then along to Breeding Texas Back riding on the rain Just to smell the bacon frying When it's sizzling in the pan Hear the breakfast horn in the early morn Drinking coffee from a can Just to ride in Rocky and Rubin Hound and leather all day long Just to swear and sweat and swearing Listen to a cow hand song You get lots of laughs from Benny He might even tell his age So we say again, hear him play again Love and bloom there on the stage Smoking time in Texas And you light a cigarette You'll be puffin' down in Texas On a lucky strike you bet You'll enjoy that fine tobacco LSMFT you'll say It's your favorite brand along the Rio Grande Everywhere down Texas way When you're puffin' puffin' puffin' On a lucky strike all day There is nothin' or there's nothin' That beats better taste you'll say It's a cigarette that's toasted It's the best smoke you can get Puff a lucky strike, it's the smoke you like To light a cigarette Well Don, fellas, really swell of you to come down here and say goodbye to me like that. Attention please, attention, passengers who are supposed to arrive from Las Vegas on the DC-6 are coming in on two DC-3's The pilot is making it the hard way. Excuse me Don, I better go get my ticket. While I'm at the ticket office Maybe I can arrange my flights to Portland, Vancouver, and Seattle on Western Airlines. Then I won't have to... Hey Jack! Oh Bob Crosby! Hello! It's nice of you to come down and see me off. Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't know you were leaving. I just came down to see Sammy the drummer off. Sammy the drummer? Yeah, he's going to Mayo Clinic. Why? What's the matter with Sammy? Well, nothing. They're just conducting experiments. They're trying to grow hair on his head. Gosh, I didn't know that. Well, I certainly, Jack, Sammy goes there every summer in the interest of science. Now, last year they tried about 20 hair tonics and oils and mixtures on Sammy's head and one of them did stimulate a little growth. Gee, which one was that? Vigoro. You mean Vigoro actually grew hair? Well, it grew something. There was a picture of Sammy's head on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens. Well, I certainly hope they do something for him. Tell me, what are you going to do on your vacation, Bob? Well, my wife, June, and I and the kids were going to spend a little time at the brother Bing's place at Hayden Lake, Idaho. Hey, hasn't Bing got a place at Pebble Beach, too? Yeah. He's got homes here in Hayden Lake, Pebble Beach, Elkland, Nevada, and Palm Springs. Gosh. Five homes. Yeah. Gee, when Bing's things come on to my house, you don't know which way to go. I can believe that. Attention, please, attention, flying saucer from Jupiter, Mars, and Venus. Now arriving on runway six, flying saucer, now arriving on runway six, seat pilot. You know, Mary, Mary, as soon as I arrive in Dallas, I'll call you up and let you know exactly... Hi, Rube. Huh? Well, are you going away? No, I'm waiting for my wife. She's coming in from San Diego. Well, well, nice to see you. How are things on your farm in Calabasas? Oh, pretty good. Bought some milken machines last week, but I'm afraid I'll have to get rid of them. Why? My cows like the personal touch. Great, and my beans are sure growing. Oh, oh, oh. Here comes my wife now. Hello, honey. Hello, dear. Honey, I want you to meet a friend of mine. This is Jack Benny. Mr. Benny, this is my wife. Ah, hello, Mr. Benny. I'm so pleased to meet you. Yes. This is your wife? Yeah. Ain't as big a hick as you thought I was. Oh, I guess not. Got to be running along. So long, Rube. So long. I'll get her and get your ticket. There's the ticket clerk over there. Oh, no. Why? What's the matter? Look who the clerk is. It's the guy I always have trouble with. Oh, Jack. Look. Jack, maybe if you try being nice to him, he'll be nice to you. What'd you say, Mary? If you try being nice to him, he'll be nice to you. Do you? Gee, I don't know. You really think so? Well, sure. Go ahead. Be nice to him. Okay. Oh, clerk. Clerk? Yes. How do you do, clerk? How are you? Fine. How are you? Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine, too. Thank you. You're certainly looking well. As a matter of fact, I've never seen you look better. Oh, well, thank you. Thank you. Lovely weather today, isn't it? Yes. It seems that lately we've been very fortunate with our weather. That's right. That's right. By the way, clerk, I'd like to fly to Dallas. So would I now that you're here. Don't you have a plane leaving for Dallas in a few minutes? That's right. It's a non-stop flight. We also have one that makes a few stops between here and Dallas and is quite a bit cheaper. Oh, really? How many stops does that plane make? 982. 982. 982. 982. What kind of a plane is that? It's a DC Pogo stick. Now, cut that out. Look, I want to take the next plane to Dallas. Well, let's see if there are any openings. Oh, yes, there's a room on a plane leaving in three minutes. It's flight 55. Here's your ticket. Thank you. Now, look, as long as I'm here, I'll be coming back from Dallas the 30th of June. Then I have to go to Portland, Oregon. We're open my show on July 1st. So I might as well buy my ticket now for Portland. Very well. I can get you on flight 63, which makes one stop at Reno. Well, that sounds all right. How long does the plane stop at Reno? It's six weeks. Six weeks? The pilot is getting a divorce. Never mind. I'll make those arrangements when I come back. Attention, please. Flight number 55 now getting ready to leave for Dallas, Texas. Jack, Jack, hurry. That's your plane. Yeah, I better get going. Well, goodbye, Mary. Bye, Jack. Wait a minute. Aren't you going to kiss me? Goodbye? Oh, sure. There, Mary. How was that? Hi, Eru. Jack, we'll be back in just a minute. But first, a word to cigarette smokers. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yet it's the toasted. Cigarette, they take fine. Tobacco, it's light. Tobacco, it's mild. Tobacco, too. And it's toasted. Yes, it's toasted. Because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So to get better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yet it's the toasted. Cigarette. Yes, friends, for a truly better tasting smoke, better light a Lucky Strike. It's toasted to taste better. Of course, Lucky's better taste begins with fine, naturally mild, good tasting tobacco. LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And then that tobacco is toasted. It's toasted. The famous Lucky Strike process tones up the tobacco to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So for the better taste you want from your cigarette, be happy. Go Lucky. Buy a carton of Lucky Strike. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yet it's the toasted. Cigarette. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last program of my current Lucky Strike season, but we'll be with you again in the fall. On behalf of the American Tobacco Company, myself and my entire cast, I want to wish all of you a very nice summer. Goodbye. The Jack Benny program is written by Sam Perrin, Milt Joseph Third, George Balzer, John Packaberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. The Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is the CBS Radio Network.